If you are forced to play chess . . . you are in trouble,

July 31, 2019 7:07 PM

Maybe non-chess people will like the first page. Chess people be like - more footnotes ! A great funny chess piece, if you like that, yea ! Found elsewhere, had to share. Kind of concerned about flooding his traffic but, but so good, great even. If you click anyway, get to where he describes forfeit "like the king’s poor diet and lifestyle choices leading to a death by natural causes". Read the rest in a John Cleese voice. Then GRAPHS !
posted by epjr (12 comments total)

This will come in handy if I ever get arrested in Finland in the 1980’s.
posted by rodlymight at 8:52 PM on July 31, 2019 [1 favorite]

Note: PDF.

Comment: happy first post!
posted by filthy light thief at 9:11 PM on July 31, 2019 [3 favorites]

When I record things my drinking buddies say and subject them to complex statistical analysis I just end up looking like an asshole. I'm glad someone can make it look funny.

Seriously though, that was a fun read. I love this guy's humor.
posted by Avelwood at 9:20 PM on July 31, 2019

By coincidence, I just watched this video where he pits several chess algorithms against each other, including ones where he uses the survivability data from this study. Counter-intuitively, it turns out that the one that tries to send each piece to the deadliest square possible actually wins slightly more than moving randomly and thoroughly trounces most of the other algorithms that move based solely on the survival data. The whole thing is fairly interesting if you have 45 minutes or so.
posted by Copronymus at 9:25 PM on July 31, 2019 [7 favorites]

If you are forced to play chess to the death as one of the players, don't despair. Simply deploy the Bongcloud (PDF).
posted by value of information at 9:34 PM on July 31, 2019 [3 favorites]

I ask you ... how many other games are there in which a mere peon may simply take six or seven (hesitant) steps and become a queen ?

Could this have been inspired by (equally ancient folktale character) Cinderella? One wonders.
posted by Twang at 9:43 PM on July 31, 2019 [3 favorites]

The chess bots video that Copronymus links above is, indeed, some of the best 45 minutes I have ever spent watching an internet video. A++, would watch again.
posted by kaibutsu at 10:10 PM on July 31, 2019 [2 favorites]

There was a thread on that YouTube video two weeks ago.
posted by Syllepsis at 10:22 PM on July 31, 2019 [1 favorite]

I forgot about the Bongcloud and I'm crying laughing again at the opening pages of that paper.

I've barely scratched the surface of the main link in the post here and I'm in love with it already. Looking forward to reading more of it tomorrow. Great first post, epjr.
posted by cortex at 11:08 PM on July 31, 2019

Sharing one of my all-time favourite comments on MeFi, from 2008. I'm still not sure if this is a shaggy dog story completely of Kattallus' invention or not.
posted by Molesome at 2:27 AM on August 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Okay I laughed at the 'fool's draw offered and accepted' sequence. That's my level of good sporting chess.
posted by Think_Long at 5:03 AM on August 1, 2019

This is the good stuff. Fantastic.
posted by Literaryhero at 5:35 AM on August 1, 2019