Dungeons & Dragons & Cats & Dogs

November 29, 2019 9:07 PM

DM: ‘You come to large wooden door.’
Cat: ‘I knock at the door.’
DM: ‘An orc opens it and asks you to come in.’
Cat: ‘I do nothing.’
DM: ‘He asks you to come inside again.’
Cat: ‘I do nothing.’
DM: ‘Eventually the orc tires and closes the door.’
Cat: ‘I knock at the door.’

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Dog: ‘I want to scoot ahead.’
DM: ‘You mean ‘scout’’
Dog: ‘No, scoot - something is irritating my anus - maybe I shouldn’t have licked that orc poop.’
DM:....
‘Roll for dexterity.’

posted by Johnny Wallflower (16 comments total)

Dungeons and Doggos.
posted by bonehead at 10:06 PM on November 29, 2019 [9 favorites]

It is a known cat principle that they are always at the wrong side of the door.
posted by Pyrogenesis at 10:30 PM on November 29, 2019 [4 favorites]

Not only are they always at the wrong side of the door, they are perfectly content to remain there - but only if the door is open.

Personally I blame Schrödinger.
posted by flabdablet at 10:54 PM on November 29, 2019 [24 favorites]

DM: ‘It’s late-‘
Cat: ‘I start singing loudly about our adventures.’
DM: ‘You’re not a Bard.
Cat: ‘I keep singing.’
DM: ‘You’re NOT a Bard!’
Cat: ‘Still singing!’
DM: ‘Make a Dex Roll’.
(Fails)
DM: ‘A steel boot flies through the air and knocks you out.’
Cat: (sulks)

Ah, yes, singing the song of his people. No way that could go wrong.
posted by TrishaU at 12:24 AM on November 30, 2019 [10 favorites]

John C. Reilly to play the dog.
@VancityReynolds [Ryan Reynolds] to be the cat.
Tilda Swinton to voice the DM...

shutupandtakemymoney.gif
posted by Flannery Culp at 7:01 AM on November 30, 2019 [12 favorites]

Cat: (sulks)

This is the ending to most of my interactions with my cat.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:27 AM on November 30, 2019 [4 favorites]

It's not often that I can read a whole set of tweets out to my partner and get laughs for each one. These are great.

The Orc should install a cat door - saved us a lot of trouble.
posted by jb at 7:46 AM on November 30, 2019 [2 favorites]

DM: the goblin takes a swing at you!
Cat: I dodge, easily
DM: roll for dodge
Cat: a one :(
DM: you twist your body away with cat-like grace, easily on track to dodge the goblin's blow, when you suddenly stop what you're doing to lick an annoying spot of fur on your shoulder.
Cat: (sulks)
posted by some loser at 8:47 AM on November 30, 2019 [11 favorites]

DM: ‘You take out all the treasure.’

Cat: ‘I get in.’

DM: ‘What?’

Cat: ‘I get in the chest and close the lid.’

Empirical proof cats do not need to roll for traps.
posted by clavdivs at 10:10 AM on November 30, 2019 [11 favorites]

In the DnD campaign I'm currently playing, I'm a Tabaxi rogue. Tabaxi are cat people. I managed to make the mayor of a small town my friend by, inspired by this tweet, showing him MY BUTTHOLE and rolling a natural 20 on Persuasion.
posted by hanov3r at 11:07 AM on November 30, 2019 [11 favorites]

This is so good and right.
posted by doctornemo at 12:33 PM on November 30, 2019 [2 favorites]

DM: ‘You see a goblin war party sat around a campfire eating supper.’

Dog: ‘I go into camp and stare at whatever they are eating.’

DM:... (rolls for reaction)

DM: ‘Surprisingly, they just stare back at you.’

Dog: ‘I beg.’

DM:... (Rolls against Charisma)
(Passes)

DM: SonOva-

I really want to read the full campaign for each of these.
posted by DingoMutt at 12:42 PM on November 30, 2019 [4 favorites]

Also, I just recently started playing in my first D&D game ever and am realizing now that I unconsciously based my character at least in part on my dog, so this is both wonderful and particularly timely.
posted by DingoMutt at 12:43 PM on November 30, 2019 [4 favorites]

DM: ‘With a final roar, the Red Dragon goes down - slain by your good luck and steeled determination. What do you do now?’
Cat: ‘I grab it by the neck and take it back to camp.’
DM: ‘What?’
Cat: ‘I grab it-‘
DM: It weighs over 10 tonnes!
Cat: (Rolls against Strength anyway).

This is one of our cats. The smallest, even.
posted by Stoneshop at 4:07 AM on December 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

"I unconsciously based my character at least in part on my dog"
posted by DingoMutt

Yep, checks out!
posted by I-Write-Essays at 11:21 AM on December 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

DM: You enter the princesses' chamber. It is richly furnished, lined with beautiful and ornate tapestries hundreds of years old, greatly prized and priceless, passed down from generation to gen-

Cat: What is the nearest tapestry?

DM: It's uhhh...of her great-great-grandfather, dressed in golden plate represented by golden thread, having just slain the Great Black Dragon of Orkmist, so beautifully-crafted that the fire still glows in its eyes...

Cat: I scratch my claws on it and then climb it, as awkwardly and violently as possible.

DM: Savage that you are, you wield your claws and tear them down the length of the tapestry, wrenching it from the wall. It collapses atop you, enveloping you in darkness.

Cat: Nice.

DM: The princess lets out a heartbroken sob.

Cat: *zzz*
posted by turbid dahlia at 12:56 PM on December 2, 2019 [6 favorites]