An Evening of Carnal Delights as Envisioned by My 10-Year-Old Self

June 15, 2020 8:14 PM

Orlando Bloom looks at me soulfully, and I can tell that he’s about to kiss me the exact way I want to be kissed, which is by darting his tongue in and out of my mouth like a hermit crab. His body throbs because he knows how smart and good at making friendship bracelets I am.
posted by MoonOrb (14 comments total)

The references to the Battlefield Mall have clued me in that this writer grew up in Springfield, Missouri, as did I, and in fact this whole scene seems achingly familiar.
posted by daisystomper at 8:18 PM on June 15, 2020 [5 favorites]

Legolas' father said, "We are going to keep her..."

And Legolas was happy for SOMERISING!!!
posted by Windopaene at 8:24 PM on June 15, 2020

It ends pretty much the way you'd expect.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 9:20 PM on June 15, 2020 [2 favorites]

A dazzling mixture of sweet and disturbing
posted by The Toad at 9:41 PM on June 15, 2020 [1 favorite]

I love the absurd description of how he touches her hair and pats it down like a parent would.
posted by acidnova at 9:50 PM on June 15, 2020 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: A dazzling mixture of sweet and disturbing
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:58 PM on June 15, 2020 [8 favorites]

Alternately,

MetaFilter: It ends pretty much the way you'd expect.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:59 PM on June 15, 2020 [9 favorites]

“A dazzling mixture of sweet and disturbing“

.... much like parenting a 10-Year-old girl

In my humble experience
posted by armoir from antproof case at 10:02 PM on June 15, 2020 [3 favorites]

Metafilter: let’s get down to beeswax.
posted by jquinby at 6:58 AM on June 16, 2020 [2 favorites]

This really really reminds me of the sections of God-Emperor of Dune that deal with Nayla the Fish Speaker.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:11 AM on June 16, 2020 [5 favorites]

Oh lord, I have the theme music for this. Bob Newhart Love Song by Rachel Arieff (record cover NFSW, but yr prob working from home anyway, right?)
posted by sexyrobot at 9:28 AM on June 16, 2020

having uncomfortable flashbacks to virgin tween me attempting to cybersex with my second MUD husband who thought I was 18 based on me having lied to him about that

my first MUD husband was a perfect gentleman & my third MUD husband was platonically tons of fun & possibly gay
posted by taquito sunrise at 9:11 PM on June 16, 2020 [4 favorites]

OK I googled and got nothing, what is a "MUD husband?"
posted by WalkerWestridge at 9:57 AM on June 18, 2020

I was confused too but from what I could find, MUD stands for Multiple User Dungeon
posted by acidnova at 1:33 AM on June 19, 2020 [1 favorite]