Afraid Not
July 4, 2022 2:49 AM Subscribe
So, a string walks into a bar ...
the bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." Disappointed and thirsty, the string goes back outside, thinks a while, twists up his courage and returns to the bar. The bartender says, "hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out a while ago?" and the string replies, "no, man — I'm a free thread."
the bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." Disappointed and thirsty, the string goes back outside, thinks a while, twists up his courage and returns to the bar. The bartender says, "hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out a while ago?" and the string replies, "no, man — I'm a free thread."
lol
posted by taz at 3:01 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by taz at 3:01 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
a guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, "hey, mac, the door's over here"
posted by pyramid termite at 3:03 AM on July 4, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by pyramid termite at 3:03 AM on July 4, 2022 [7 favorites]
a rabbit walks into metafilter: "oy vey i missed the edit window"
posted by Ten Cold Hot Dogs at 3:15 AM on July 4, 2022 [20 favorites]
posted by Ten Cold Hot Dogs at 3:15 AM on July 4, 2022 [20 favorites]
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says,"I think I might be a type O."
posted by dowcrag at 3:24 AM on July 4, 2022 [65 favorites]
posted by dowcrag at 3:24 AM on July 4, 2022 [65 favorites]
Check out this random chord progression.
Thanks for the beginner piano tips last week, I'm ... getting better.
I had to wear a holter monitor overnight on thursday/friday. It's a half dozen electrodes on my chest leading to thing on a lanyard. I dreamt that I was diving and an octopus grabbed me. They say it's to record how my heart works on a normal day, but I did not have a normal night.
posted by adept256 at 3:31 AM on July 4, 2022 [11 favorites]
Thanks for the beginner piano tips last week, I'm ... getting better.
I had to wear a holter monitor overnight on thursday/friday. It's a half dozen electrodes on my chest leading to thing on a lanyard. I dreamt that I was diving and an octopus grabbed me. They say it's to record how my heart works on a normal day, but I did not have a normal night.
posted by adept256 at 3:31 AM on July 4, 2022 [11 favorites]
A chord walks into a barre feeling blue; sorry sir, we don't serve minors.
posted by adept256 at 3:34 AM on July 4, 2022 [35 favorites]
posted by adept256 at 3:34 AM on July 4, 2022 [35 favorites]
Past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
posted by the primroses were over at 3:49 AM on July 4, 2022 [31 favorites]
posted by the primroses were over at 3:49 AM on July 4, 2022 [31 favorites]
I’m always partial to this one, and the whole article:
A guy walks into a bar. It’s a low one, so he gets a raise within his first six months on the job.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:56 AM on July 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
A guy walks into a bar. It’s a low one, so he gets a raise within his first six months on the job.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:56 AM on July 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
It seems like taz tried to line up a free thread with a joke, but everyone decided to string together bar jokes rather than tell any yarns. However, I refuse to get roped into it.
posted by Literaryhero at 3:59 AM on July 4, 2022 [24 favorites]
posted by Literaryhero at 3:59 AM on July 4, 2022 [24 favorites]
I'm annoyingly stuck with no pun for "floss," and I can't seem to move the needle on it.
posted by taz at 4:06 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by taz at 4:06 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
I picked up an almost brand new pair of shoes for free after someone left them at my dealer's place. But I'm not sure what he laced them with because I keep tripping all over the place.
posted by loquacious at 4:21 AM on July 4, 2022 [15 favorites]
posted by loquacious at 4:21 AM on July 4, 2022 [15 favorites]
no pun for "floss,"Well some of those that pun flosses, are the same that make brushes
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:36 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
And the bartender says “You don’t really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist, do you?”
posted by Thorzdad at 4:48 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Thorzdad at 4:48 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
I guess I should be grateful that fireworks are still very much illegal in Massachusetts (yes, even sparklers), but maybe we could use a little enforcement?
Like, there was a guy last night who must have had several thousand dollars worth of areals, and after each firing he was disposing his spent fireworks boxes by tossing them into a campfire around which his family was closely gathered around.
Also it's difficult to imagine, but I think fireworks are getting even louder.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 4:48 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Like, there was a guy last night who must have had several thousand dollars worth of areals, and after each firing he was disposing his spent fireworks boxes by tossing them into a campfire around which his family was closely gathered around.
Also it's difficult to imagine, but I think fireworks are getting even louder.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 4:48 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”
The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”
The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”
Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”
posted by signal at 4:51 AM on July 4, 2022 [39 favorites]
The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”
The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”
The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”
Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”
posted by signal at 4:51 AM on July 4, 2022 [39 favorites]
Two guys walk into a bar. Which is funny because you think the second guy would have seen it.
posted by Mchelly at 4:53 AM on July 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 4:53 AM on July 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
I also hate our stupid habit in the US of terrorizing children, dogs, combat veterans and many others, while starting wild fires, overtaxing ERs, and being generally shitheads wasting massive amounts of public money to create noise and pollution.
Wait, scratch that, it's the kind of jackassery that's perfectly American, isn't it?
Anyway, Superorganism just dropped a new song/video Into The Sunand it's pretty great, especially if you're into that whole low-poly thing. Also features Stephen Malkmus. "Don't mind me, I'm just a fruit fly/floating on by"
posted by SaltySalticid at 4:56 AM on July 4, 2022 [9 favorites]
Wait, scratch that, it's the kind of jackassery that's perfectly American, isn't it?
Anyway, Superorganism just dropped a new song/video Into The Sunand it's pretty great, especially if you're into that whole low-poly thing. Also features Stephen Malkmus. "Don't mind me, I'm just a fruit fly/floating on by"
posted by SaltySalticid at 4:56 AM on July 4, 2022 [9 favorites]
This is your random reminder that Omar Hakim’s drumming on “Giorgio by Moroder” is IMMACULATE and EXCITING. Thank you for your time and why the long face.
posted by aesop at 5:00 AM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by aesop at 5:00 AM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
No joke to add, just happy to see ‘em. Wait — so the mechanic said. “MetaFilter? I never MetaFilter I didn’t like!”
posted by cupcakeninja at 5:04 AM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by cupcakeninja at 5:04 AM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
I really like fireworks
posted by Peach at 5:15 AM on July 4, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by Peach at 5:15 AM on July 4, 2022 [13 favorites]
No but they are getting louder. Sounded like bombs going off outside my window.
posted by bleep at 5:22 AM on July 4, 2022
posted by bleep at 5:22 AM on July 4, 2022
Descartes walks into a bar and yada yada yada he says “I think not” and disappears.
posted by oddman at 5:32 AM on July 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by oddman at 5:32 AM on July 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
Just before the horse, that's odd.
posted by sammyo at 5:45 AM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by sammyo at 5:45 AM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
I really liked fireworks as a kid. As an adult, I think of the animals who are scared or hurt by them—birds especially. Makes it hard to ooh and ahh like I used to.
posted by cupcakeninja at 5:48 AM on July 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by cupcakeninja at 5:48 AM on July 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
Guy walks into a bar with a tiny, foot-high Elton John sitting on his shoulder and a lamp in his hand. Asks the bartender for a double whiskey.
''What's with tiny dancer, there?" asks the bartender.
"You'll love this," says the man, ruefully. "Rub this lamp and whisper to it your hearts desire."
The bartender complies. The bar explodes, as it is now filled with a billion ducks.
posted by es_de_bah at 5:52 AM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
''What's with tiny dancer, there?" asks the bartender.
"You'll love this," says the man, ruefully. "Rub this lamp and whisper to it your hearts desire."
The bartender complies. The bar explodes, as it is now filled with a billion ducks.
posted by es_de_bah at 5:52 AM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
I already said "wassup" whenever I saw Stephen Malkmus around, but now I'm gonna say "wassup wassup sup sup wassup" every goddamn time. He's gonna get real tired of it, real fast. Thanks, SaltySalticid!
posted by BrunoLatourFanclub at 5:55 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by BrunoLatourFanclub at 5:55 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Have you heard about the bar on Uranus? It's fucking cold!
posted by phooky at 5:56 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by phooky at 5:56 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
A grasshopper goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, in passing, ‘Do you know we have a drink named after you?’ The grasshopper says, ‘No really? You have a drink named Howard?’
posted by tommasz at 6:00 AM on July 4, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by tommasz at 6:00 AM on July 4, 2022 [7 favorites]
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana daiquiri. "That'll be twenty bucks," said the bartender. The gorilla sighs, pulls a $20 out of his wallet, and gets his drink.
"You know," said the bartender, "We don't get many gorillas in here."
"At twenty bucks for a lousy banana daiquiri, I'm not surprised!" said the gorilla.
posted by briank at 6:05 AM on July 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
"You know," said the bartender, "We don't get many gorillas in here."
"At twenty bucks for a lousy banana daiquiri, I'm not surprised!" said the gorilla.
posted by briank at 6:05 AM on July 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”
He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”
posted by DreamerFi at 6:21 AM on July 4, 2022 [22 favorites]
The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”
He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”
posted by DreamerFi at 6:21 AM on July 4, 2022 [22 favorites]
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?" "Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
posted by DreamerFi at 6:22 AM on July 4, 2022 [27 favorites]
posted by DreamerFi at 6:22 AM on July 4, 2022 [27 favorites]
I walked into a bar and said “bartender, surprise me!”
He showed me a nude photo of my husband.
posted by kinnakeet at 6:23 AM on July 4, 2022 [11 favorites]
He showed me a nude photo of my husband.
posted by kinnakeet at 6:23 AM on July 4, 2022 [11 favorites]
...got any grapes?
posted by xedrik at 6:56 AM on July 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by xedrik at 6:56 AM on July 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
A Mefite walked into a dive bar, ordered two pints in one cup, and left. Why?
posted by taz at 6:56 AM on July 4, 2022
posted by taz at 6:56 AM on July 4, 2022
ordered two pints in one cup
Two Grolsch, surely
posted by xedrik at 6:59 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Two Grolsch, surely
posted by xedrik at 6:59 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
A woman walks into a bar. Says to the bartender, "I'd like a double entendre, please."
So he gives it to her.
posted by Bee'sWing at 7:12 AM on July 4, 2022 [29 favorites]
So he gives it to her.
posted by Bee'sWing at 7:12 AM on July 4, 2022 [29 favorites]
this is my attempt to add an up-to-the-moment (and therefore entirely disposable) riff on the joke:
All men, over all time and all realities, walk into all bars ever, and one of the bartenders points and says "Well isn't that Strange"
posted by elkevelvet at 7:13 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
All men, over all time and all realities, walk into all bars ever, and one of the bartenders points and says "Well isn't that Strange"
posted by elkevelvet at 7:13 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender looks him up and down in surprise, quietly takes his order and then says, look mate, what's going on? The frog replies, well, it started as a spot on my bum.
posted by paperpete at 7:23 AM on July 4, 2022 [15 favorites]
posted by paperpete at 7:23 AM on July 4, 2022 [15 favorites]
Two strings walk into a bar.
The first string says, "I'd like a beer please."
The second string says, "I'd also like a beer.O^B^@H<8>t^BH<8>^H^@^@^@^@^@5RM^B^@%SM^B^@^O^_^@^O^^h^@^@^@^@<9>
^O^^h^A^@^@^@<9>^O^^"
The first string says, "Sorry about my friend. He's not null-terminated."
<rimshot/>
posted by suetanvil at 7:34 AM on July 4, 2022 [12 favorites]
The first string says, "I'd like a beer please."
The second string says, "I'd also like a beer.O^B^@H<8>
The first string says, "Sorry about my friend. He's not null-terminated."
<rimshot/>
posted by suetanvil at 7:34 AM on July 4, 2022 [12 favorites]
Nobody? Bueller? I am disappoint! Well, okay, then:
They flagoned it and moved on.
posted by taz at 7:34 AM on July 4, 2022 [11 favorites]
They flagoned it and moved on.
posted by taz at 7:34 AM on July 4, 2022 [11 favorites]
I took today off (being in Canada) to make this a long weekend. So far, I've spent most of it playing Factorio. Which turns out to be kind of what I needed.
(I try to get to robots as early as possible when I play, then backfill everything I'd skipped. Eventually, everything ground to a halt because I didn't have enough logistics robots so I frantically tried to make more, going so far as to hand deliver loads of plastic bars and robot frames around to speed up production. It turned out though that I had enough robots but not enough roboports to charge them so dropping a half-dozen near the center of things ended up fixing things. So, as in real life, I was stymied by a lack of compatible chargers.)
posted by suetanvil at 7:44 AM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
(I try to get to robots as early as possible when I play, then backfill everything I'd skipped. Eventually, everything ground to a halt because I didn't have enough logistics robots so I frantically tried to make more, going so far as to hand deliver loads of plastic bars and robot frames around to speed up production. It turned out though that I had enough robots but not enough roboports to charge them so dropping a half-dozen near the center of things ended up fixing things. So, as in real life, I was stymied by a lack of compatible chargers.)
posted by suetanvil at 7:44 AM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
A priest, a rabbi, and an Imam walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What's this, a joke?"
posted by mule98J at 7:45 AM on July 4, 2022 [8 favorites]
The bartender says, "What's this, a joke?"
posted by mule98J at 7:45 AM on July 4, 2022 [8 favorites]
Also: So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
(Which I vaguely remember discovering here, so this may be a double.)
posted by suetanvil at 7:49 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
(Which I vaguely remember discovering here, so this may be a double.)
posted by suetanvil at 7:49 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
A baby seal walks into a club....
posted by Floydd at 7:57 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Floydd at 7:57 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
A software validation engineer walks into a bar. Runs into a bar. Crawls into a bar. Dances into a bar. Flies into a bar. Jumps into a bar. Orders a beer. 2 beers. 0 beers. 99999999 beers. A lizard in a beer glass. -1 beer. "qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar goes up in flames.
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:00 AM on July 4, 2022 [32 favorites]
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar goes up in flames.
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:00 AM on July 4, 2022 [32 favorites]
suetanvil, were you playing alone? The best way to play factorio is with 500 of your friends.
posted by antinomia at 8:04 AM on July 4, 2022
posted by antinomia at 8:04 AM on July 4, 2022
NPR is becoming exceedingly good at bootlicking: Why officers shoot what might seem like an excessive number of bullets at suspects.
Such timely reporting.
posted by NoThisIsPatrick at 8:14 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
Such timely reporting.
posted by NoThisIsPatrick at 8:14 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
I ♣ baby seals
posted by Bee'sWing at 8:14 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Bee'sWing at 8:14 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
A man walk into a library and says to the librarian “I’ll have a whiskey and a beer!”
The librarian says “Sir, this is a library.”
“Oh! I’ll have a whiskey and a beer!.”
posted by zoinks at 8:25 AM on July 4, 2022 [10 favorites]
The librarian says “Sir, this is a library.”
“Oh! I’ll have a whiskey and a beer!.”
posted by zoinks at 8:25 AM on July 4, 2022 [10 favorites]
Every Independence Day, I think to myself if we have to celebrate the defying of power with martial display, I wish that instead of reinforcing that with the 1812 Overture, we could stress another approach by accompanying it with American protest songs and spirituals.
posted by jocelmeow at 8:30 AM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by jocelmeow at 8:30 AM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
A man walks into a bar and says, "I have a duck on my head."
............
Here's twenty bucks for accordion lessons
posted by winesong at 8:30 AM on July 4, 2022
............
Here's twenty bucks for accordion lessons
posted by winesong at 8:30 AM on July 4, 2022
A bear walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'll have a beer and..."
posted by AlSweigart at 8:32 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by AlSweigart at 8:32 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Three logicians walk into a bar.
The bartender says "You all want a beer?"
The first one says "I don't know."
The second one says "I don't know."
The third one says "Yes."
posted by johnofjack at 8:49 AM on July 4, 2022 [13 favorites]
The bartender says "You all want a beer?"
The first one says "I don't know."
The second one says "I don't know."
The third one says "Yes."
posted by johnofjack at 8:49 AM on July 4, 2022 [13 favorites]
AlSweigart, why the big pause?
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 9:01 AM on July 4, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 9:01 AM on July 4, 2022 [10 favorites]
A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." The bartender says, "Sorry, don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and again says, "I want to buy some peanuts." The bartender replies, a bit gruffly this time, "I already told you I don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, "I want to buy some peanuts!" The outraged bartender yells back, "I told you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and before the bartender can say a word, the duck asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender looks taken aback and says quietly, "Sorry, don't have nails." The duck asks, "Well then, do you have any peanuts?"
posted by Splunge at 9:05 AM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
The next day, the duck returns and again says, "I want to buy some peanuts." The bartender replies, a bit gruffly this time, "I already told you I don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, "I want to buy some peanuts!" The outraged bartender yells back, "I told you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and before the bartender can say a word, the duck asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender looks taken aback and says quietly, "Sorry, don't have nails." The duck asks, "Well then, do you have any peanuts?"
posted by Splunge at 9:05 AM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
During the height of the Covid quarantines in the United States, there were times there was no automobile traffic. So two interstate highways decided to take the opportunity to meet up. I-95 and The 5, walk into a bar and order drinks. They are having a good time, until I-95 motions The 5 to be quiet. I-95 whispers, "We have got to get out of here. The East Coast Greenway just walked in the bar." The 5 says, "How dangerous is he?" I-95 replies, "That guy is a cycle path."
posted by othrechaz at 9:05 AM on July 4, 2022 [36 favorites]
posted by othrechaz at 9:05 AM on July 4, 2022 [36 favorites]
(the only multi-verse movie worth seeing this summer, imo.. therefore a follow-up joke is warranted)
All people, over all time and all realities, walk into all bars ever, and one of the bartenders points and says "Well isn't that Strange" and another bartender calls out "YEOH"
it is finished
posted by elkevelvet at 9:07 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
All people, over all time and all realities, walk into all bars ever, and one of the bartenders points and says "Well isn't that Strange" and another bartender calls out "YEOH"
it is finished
posted by elkevelvet at 9:07 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Finished!? But we were just getting started...
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:12 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:12 AM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Billy Joel plays Piano Man for the first time at the bar he based the song on.
posted by Mchelly at 9:14 AM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 9:14 AM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
As of today I've lived in my current state exactly as long as I lived in the previous state. Which doesn't have any real significance but feels like it should somehow.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:18 AM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:18 AM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
> You have a drink named Howard?
Steve.
*sigh*
Earl
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:27 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Steve.
*sigh*
Earl
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:27 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
"Sorry about my friend. He's not null-terminated."
I learned about terminating coaxial cables as a college sophomore physics major. Working in a research lab, I had an unterminated cable connected to an oscilliscope and was seeing a strange signal. My professor said there was a standing wave in the cable and socratically led me through determining the speed of the signal in the cable (which is about 0.75 c).
posted by neuron at 9:32 AM on July 4, 2022
I learned about terminating coaxial cables as a college sophomore physics major. Working in a research lab, I had an unterminated cable connected to an oscilliscope and was seeing a strange signal. My professor said there was a standing wave in the cable and socratically led me through determining the speed of the signal in the cable (which is about 0.75 c).
posted by neuron at 9:32 AM on July 4, 2022
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?" "Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
Caesar pauses and reconsiders, then holds up two spread fingers: “On second thought, I’ll have five, please.”
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:42 AM on July 4, 2022 [8 favorites]
Caesar pauses and reconsiders, then holds up two spread fingers: “On second thought, I’ll have five, please.”
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:42 AM on July 4, 2022 [8 favorites]
The bartender says "FIVE? Are you sure?" Caesar slumps a bit, and says, "eh, two it is, then."
posted by taz at 9:48 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by taz at 9:48 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
A male feminist walks into a bar and promptly trips over it because it’s on the floor.
A dung beetle walks into a bar, sits down in the first empty place he finds, and asks the bartender “hey, is this stool taken?”
posted by ActionPopulated at 9:52 AM on July 4, 2022 [10 favorites]
A dung beetle walks into a bar, sits down in the first empty place he finds, and asks the bartender “hey, is this stool taken?”
posted by ActionPopulated at 9:52 AM on July 4, 2022 [10 favorites]
> You have a drink named Howard?
Steve.
Earl
Bob.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:00 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Steve.
Earl
Bob.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:00 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
"And so then I says to her, I says, 'how about a little head?'"
He gets no reaction. He repeats himself. Guy next to him says, "I mean, it's a heck of a story and all, but you know, some people, they just got microcephaly, and I wasn't gonna say anything."
He takes a long look at the guy next to him, sighs, and says, "But look, Mac, I ain't got microcephaly proper. See, I got three wishes from a genie, and she was really hot, and she did in fact say that I could wish for anything, so--"
The other guy says, "Heard you the first time, pal", and drains his drink.
The guy with the perfectly-formed head about the size of a grapefruit seethes for a few seconds, then turns to the other guy, an entirely unconvincing smile plastered on his face. "OK, Mr. I-Guess-I've-Heard-'Em-All, try this one on for size. Priest needs someone to ring the bells on Sunday, puts an ad in the paper, gets twins coming in to try out for the job. Neither one of them has arms, so the priest, you know, they don't get a lot of laughs, he figures he's gotta see this. He asks them to ring the changes, one of them jumps up and hits the bell with his forehead. Then his twin does the same for another bell. They alternate, then one of them hits the bell sideways, the belfry has open sides, he falls to his death. The other one starts double-timing it, then he hits a bell sideways and likewise goes splatto. The priest goes down to give them last rites, a nun walks up to him and says, she says, 'Father, who was that man?' Priest says, 'I dunno, but his face sure rings a bell.' She goes, 'What about that other man?' Priest goes, 'I dunno, but he's a dead ringer for his brother.'
"So... whaddaya think of that, smart guy?"
The other guy shrugs, gets up, and leaves. Guy with the little head seethes some more, then says to the bartender, "I don't get it. That always slays them. Is it... is it my delivery?"
Bartender shakes his head. "No, it's here."
"Whaddaya mean, here?"
"When did you come here? What day of the week is it? What year?"
"Oh, hey, pal, I... the hell? What did you put in this drink?"
"Just regular well liquor. Not great, not watered down."
"I mean, damn... where is this place?"
"Everywhere. It's every bar that doesn't have a visible name, just a beer sign. Every place that looks like it's been closed for years, but is still open, somehow. It's not even the bar; it's just A Bar. The only thing that distinguishes it is the jukebox, which is stocked only with songs that you have on the tip of your tongue and can never quite name, and the clientele. Heavy on the clergy. Sometimes, a horse walks in, stays for a few minutes, then leaves; sometimes he leaves in tears because there's a guy who's hung better than him. Sometimes it's you."
"But I can leave, though, right?"
"Door's right over there."
"But... but what's outside?"
"How would I know?"
The guy with the negligible noggin covers his face with his hands, then stands up. "Well, I gotta know." He pauses, then says, "I guess that I'll be back eventually, right?"
"Sure. Hey, the eighteen-inch pianist is here every few nights; maybe you two could form a team or something?"
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:55 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
He gets no reaction. He repeats himself. Guy next to him says, "I mean, it's a heck of a story and all, but you know, some people, they just got microcephaly, and I wasn't gonna say anything."
He takes a long look at the guy next to him, sighs, and says, "But look, Mac, I ain't got microcephaly proper. See, I got three wishes from a genie, and she was really hot, and she did in fact say that I could wish for anything, so--"
The other guy says, "Heard you the first time, pal", and drains his drink.
The guy with the perfectly-formed head about the size of a grapefruit seethes for a few seconds, then turns to the other guy, an entirely unconvincing smile plastered on his face. "OK, Mr. I-Guess-I've-Heard-'Em-All, try this one on for size. Priest needs someone to ring the bells on Sunday, puts an ad in the paper, gets twins coming in to try out for the job. Neither one of them has arms, so the priest, you know, they don't get a lot of laughs, he figures he's gotta see this. He asks them to ring the changes, one of them jumps up and hits the bell with his forehead. Then his twin does the same for another bell. They alternate, then one of them hits the bell sideways, the belfry has open sides, he falls to his death. The other one starts double-timing it, then he hits a bell sideways and likewise goes splatto. The priest goes down to give them last rites, a nun walks up to him and says, she says, 'Father, who was that man?' Priest says, 'I dunno, but his face sure rings a bell.' She goes, 'What about that other man?' Priest goes, 'I dunno, but he's a dead ringer for his brother.'
"So... whaddaya think of that, smart guy?"
The other guy shrugs, gets up, and leaves. Guy with the little head seethes some more, then says to the bartender, "I don't get it. That always slays them. Is it... is it my delivery?"
Bartender shakes his head. "No, it's here."
"Whaddaya mean, here?"
"When did you come here? What day of the week is it? What year?"
"Oh, hey, pal, I... the hell? What did you put in this drink?"
"Just regular well liquor. Not great, not watered down."
"I mean, damn... where is this place?"
"Everywhere. It's every bar that doesn't have a visible name, just a beer sign. Every place that looks like it's been closed for years, but is still open, somehow. It's not even the bar; it's just A Bar. The only thing that distinguishes it is the jukebox, which is stocked only with songs that you have on the tip of your tongue and can never quite name, and the clientele. Heavy on the clergy. Sometimes, a horse walks in, stays for a few minutes, then leaves; sometimes he leaves in tears because there's a guy who's hung better than him. Sometimes it's you."
"But I can leave, though, right?"
"Door's right over there."
"But... but what's outside?"
"How would I know?"
The guy with the negligible noggin covers his face with his hands, then stands up. "Well, I gotta know." He pauses, then says, "I guess that I'll be back eventually, right?"
"Sure. Hey, the eighteen-inch pianist is here every few nights; maybe you two could form a team or something?"
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:55 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
"Don't you mean two?" the bartender asks Caesar. Caesar turns to his pal.
"Eh! Two Brute?"
posted by es_de_bah at 10:59 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
"Eh! Two Brute?"
posted by es_de_bah at 10:59 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
"...and some pretzels," and the bartender asks the bear, "Why the big pause?"
posted by AlSweigart at 11:11 AM on July 4, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by AlSweigart at 11:11 AM on July 4, 2022 [13 favorites]
Since it's an open thread, and I think about him every damn day, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the late David Berman. Lover of bad jokes and meta-humor. When I saw him play live the first time, he told this joke while his band tuned:
What did one ass cheek say to the other?
We stick together we can stop this shit!
posted by es_de_bah at 11:13 AM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
What did one ass cheek say to the other?
We stick together we can stop this shit!
posted by es_de_bah at 11:13 AM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
Some fishermen are fishing, and a hedgehog comes out of the fog and asks "Fellows, do you have any glue?" -"No, we don't" reply the fishermen. The hedgehog goes back into the fog, but returns a while later and says, "Fellows, I brought you some glue."
posted by Pyrogenesis at 11:16 AM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Pyrogenesis at 11:16 AM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
> You have a drink named Howard?
Steve.
Earl
Bob.
Murray.
[A Grasshopper Walks Into a Bar: Humor as a Tool of Normativity]
[full disclosure: one degree from self-link, that]
posted by jocelmeow at 11:18 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Steve.
Earl
Bob.
Murray.
[A Grasshopper Walks Into a Bar: Humor as a Tool of Normativity]
[full disclosure: one degree from self-link, that]
posted by jocelmeow at 11:18 AM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Bartender asked "so do you want something to eat while you're here?"
"Yeah, a plate of beans would be nice."
"Sure... what kinda beans?"
During this exchange, the other patron at the bar rolls their eyes, puts a few bills down to settle the tab. Then they put a small flag in their empty glass and leave.
posted by pianoblack at 11:28 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
"Yeah, a plate of beans would be nice."
"Sure... what kinda beans?"
During this exchange, the other patron at the bar rolls their eyes, puts a few bills down to settle the tab. Then they put a small flag in their empty glass and leave.
posted by pianoblack at 11:28 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
Deadly Nightshade Cocktail Recipe Lots of other sort of Goth drink ideas for this disaffected American holiday.
Seconding others who hate all the fireworks. Last year, we had a strange dog bolt in through our open front door and cower under my desk and legs all night. His name is Ivar and he was such a good boy and his owner still brings him by for visits and amazingly he remembers us.
Worse still is the smoky cloud that lingers in the air in Koreatown the next morning, with dazed homeless people cowering in bus shelters.
I so wish the US would do something more compassionate, constructive, and environmentally nurturing for this holiday.
posted by effluvia at 11:30 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
Seconding others who hate all the fireworks. Last year, we had a strange dog bolt in through our open front door and cower under my desk and legs all night. His name is Ivar and he was such a good boy and his owner still brings him by for visits and amazingly he remembers us.
Worse still is the smoky cloud that lingers in the air in Koreatown the next morning, with dazed homeless people cowering in bus shelters.
I so wish the US would do something more compassionate, constructive, and environmentally nurturing for this holiday.
posted by effluvia at 11:30 AM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
My neighborhood is nuts about fireworks. We're near Sentinel Peak, also known as A Mountain, where the official city fireworks display is launched. So every year my neighborhood literally explodes from about five PM until the fireworks start, and then starts up afterwards and goes well past midnight.
And I love it. One night a year of stellar pandemonium, rocket launchers going off all around me, the sky alight with glorious hubris. I get massively stoned and go outside with a pair of binoculars and a lawn chair, it's awesome.
But in August of last year I became responsible for a small colony of feral cats. Four regulars and a couple of visitors, and one of my regulars just had kittens despite my best efforts. But I haven't seen the kittens yet and I'm starting to worry.
The fireworks have been going off sporadically for the past few nights, and the cats have been skittish. I can only imagine what tonight is going to be like for them. Hopefully they'll hunker down wherever they've been hiding. And hopefully they'll show up for breakfast tomorrow as usual.
There's not much I can think of to do to help them, though, so my plan is to get massively stoned and go outside with a pair of binoculars and a lawn chair.
Happy Independence Day, everyone!
posted by MrVisible at 12:01 PM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
And I love it. One night a year of stellar pandemonium, rocket launchers going off all around me, the sky alight with glorious hubris. I get massively stoned and go outside with a pair of binoculars and a lawn chair, it's awesome.
But in August of last year I became responsible for a small colony of feral cats. Four regulars and a couple of visitors, and one of my regulars just had kittens despite my best efforts. But I haven't seen the kittens yet and I'm starting to worry.
The fireworks have been going off sporadically for the past few nights, and the cats have been skittish. I can only imagine what tonight is going to be like for them. Hopefully they'll hunker down wherever they've been hiding. And hopefully they'll show up for breakfast tomorrow as usual.
There's not much I can think of to do to help them, though, so my plan is to get massively stoned and go outside with a pair of binoculars and a lawn chair.
Happy Independence Day, everyone!
posted by MrVisible at 12:01 PM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
…And the bartender says, "We don't serve faster than light particles here."
So two tachyons walk into a bar…
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 12:06 PM on July 4, 2022 [14 favorites]
So two tachyons walk into a bar…
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 12:06 PM on July 4, 2022 [14 favorites]
As of today I've lived in my current state exactly as long as I lived in the previous state
Previously: solid state of matter.
Currently: Giorgio Agamben's State of Exception
posted by othrechaz at 12:48 PM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
Previously: solid state of matter.
Currently: Giorgio Agamben's State of Exception
posted by othrechaz at 12:48 PM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
taz: I'm annoyingly stuck with no pun for "floss," and I can't seem to move the needle on it.
taz: "Nobody? Bueller? I am disappoint! Well, okay, then:
"They flagoned it and moved on."
It was interdental.
posted by k3ninho at 12:50 PM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
taz: "Nobody? Bueller? I am disappoint! Well, okay, then:
"They flagoned it and moved on."
It was interdental.
posted by k3ninho at 12:50 PM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Happy Taxation and Representation Day, isn't it? I'm having a f_cking cup of tea here in Britain and trying to swear like Karl Urban in The Boys.
posted by k3ninho at 12:59 PM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by k3ninho at 12:59 PM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Any Highland Park Mefites, hope you're all okay and safe. ......
posted by fight or flight at 1:00 PM on July 4, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by fight or flight at 1:00 PM on July 4, 2022 [10 favorites]
Any Highland Park Mefites
Just a few towns away. Far too close for comfort.
posted by Glinn at 1:19 PM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
Just a few towns away. Far too close for comfort.
posted by Glinn at 1:19 PM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
As of today I've lived in my current state exactly as long as I lived in the previous state
Previously: solid state of matter.
Currently:Giorgio Agamben's State of Exception
Ageing and tiredness, mostly...
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:51 PM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
Previously: solid state of matter.
Currently:
Ageing and tiredness, mostly...
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:51 PM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
Cat and Girl had the Liminal State Bobcats on tee shirts at one time.
posted by Bee'sWing at 2:03 PM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Bee'sWing at 2:03 PM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
A man walks into a bar holding up jumper cables.
The bartender says, "buddy, don't you start anything in here!"
Someone set off fireworks at 145 AM Saturday morning. This was less than a week after the neighborhood had to evacuate after a brush fire on the other side of the hill. So not a fan.
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 2:06 PM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
The bartender says, "buddy, don't you start anything in here!"
Someone set off fireworks at 145 AM Saturday morning. This was less than a week after the neighborhood had to evacuate after a brush fire on the other side of the hill. So not a fan.
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 2:06 PM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop" goes the weasel.
posted by LURK at 2:19 PM on July 4, 2022 [21 favorites]
"Pop" goes the weasel.
posted by LURK at 2:19 PM on July 4, 2022 [21 favorites]
Classic dad joke energy from LURK there.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:23 PM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:23 PM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
I was watching an old episode of MST3k just now when one of the bots spots some underwater plants and says "Eurasian Milfoil".
The autogenerated close captioning displayed "Your Asian MILF oil".
I have nothing to add to this.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 2:28 PM on July 4, 2022 [13 favorites]
The autogenerated close captioning displayed "Your Asian MILF oil".
I have nothing to add to this.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 2:28 PM on July 4, 2022 [13 favorites]
I find myself short on bar jokes, so here's our new cat.
posted by calamari kid at 2:50 PM on July 4, 2022 [16 favorites]
posted by calamari kid at 2:50 PM on July 4, 2022 [16 favorites]
I've got barre jokes, they're en pointe.
posted by k3ninho at 2:56 PM on July 4, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by k3ninho at 2:56 PM on July 4, 2022 [7 favorites]
Years ago, I told that joke to my brother-in-law because I thought it was so damn funny. He thought it was dumb and not funny at all. I asked him what he thought was a really funny joke and he told me this one. That's when I knew our world-views would always be diametrically opposed.
posted by LindsayIrene at 2:57 PM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by LindsayIrene at 2:57 PM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
^ the narrative to punchline ratio alone is just not good
I'm no expert, but your brother-in-law's taste in jokes is shitty
posted by elkevelvet at 3:02 PM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm no expert, but your brother-in-law's taste in jokes is shitty
posted by elkevelvet at 3:02 PM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
Loki, Eris and Coyote walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Order, please."
posted by Chuffy at 3:23 PM on July 4, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by Chuffy at 3:23 PM on July 4, 2022 [14 favorites]
So, most true goths have an Ankh somewhere. Most know that it's the Egyptian symbol of life and not some weird cross thing. Esoteric goths know that it's actually two pieces of rope, the inner loop is one rope and the bar is another bit of rope. Even more esoteric goths would know that the loopy bit is a pinched off piece of chaos turned into order held together by the horizontal rope tied around the middle and that one represents an individual, that's the knot. The truly esoteric goth would know that the the knot is just a hitch and that the ropes are twisted strands of twisted strands of twisted strands and on the individual side those strands are events from the past that twist up to build up the rope and the hitch on the side of the past, and the other is what will happen twisting up to meet in the hitch. Then they realize that the loop will eventually get smaller and smaller until it slips through back down into chaos. And once that happens there's nothing left to keep the hitch in place and that both ropes will untwist back to their original state. The whole thing only happens because the two things have been connected. So in the end... every thing is...
a frayed not knot.
posted by zengargoyle at 6:49 PM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
a frayed not knot.
posted by zengargoyle at 6:49 PM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
Someone described the loud explosions I've heard in Portland, OR holidays like this as mortars. Is that what they actually are? One of the first New Years' Eves I was here I thought I was hearing gunshots. Why.
I'm still testing positive for Covid after being exposed twelve days ago. I feel mostly OK but I've missed out on several rare plans to meet up with real people since then.
posted by bendy at 7:19 PM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm still testing positive for Covid after being exposed twelve days ago. I feel mostly OK but I've missed out on several rare plans to meet up with real people since then.
posted by bendy at 7:19 PM on July 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
Mortars is also a term used in fireworks for tubes like in the military, but pointed straight up. But they are electronically triggered (for big professional displays), or fused, (like in your back yard with a match), and do not use a percussion firing pin as the military ones do. No one is dropping the fireworks in and ducking out of the way.
posted by Windopaene at 7:28 PM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Windopaene at 7:28 PM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
"Pop" goes the weasel.
Oh man. I recently rediscovered Pop Goes the Weasel by 3rd Bass
If there is any song that can drive my (7 and 9 year old) kids insane it turns out this is it. I told them that it was some fresh new beats from the streets (yes those are the words I used, yes really)
If we didn’t have kiddie locks on the car doors I’m sure they would have jumped out. I probably shouldn't have put it on endless repeat. But I love it.
It's ninety-one son, so somethin's gotta change!
posted by inflatablekiwi at 7:34 PM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Oh man. I recently rediscovered Pop Goes the Weasel by 3rd Bass
If there is any song that can drive my (7 and 9 year old) kids insane it turns out this is it. I told them that it was some fresh new beats from the streets (yes those are the words I used, yes really)
If we didn’t have kiddie locks on the car doors I’m sure they would have jumped out. I probably shouldn't have put it on endless repeat. But I love it.
It's ninety-one son, so somethin's gotta change!
posted by inflatablekiwi at 7:34 PM on July 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
A dyslexic person walks into a bra
posted by dg at 11:37 PM on July 4, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by dg at 11:37 PM on July 4, 2022 [8 favorites]
I just found out that I passed the last class I needed for my bachelor’s degree! (Twelve years late.) Now it’s time to get a job.
posted by Night_owl at 1:07 AM on July 5, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by Night_owl at 1:07 AM on July 5, 2022 [13 favorites]
So an Australian rabbit hops into a bar, bounces up onto a barstool and says I'll have a pint of whatever is on tap and a cheese and tomato toasting, and the bartender delivers, and the bunny swipes his debit card, and hoes in. Five minutes later, the rabbit catches the bartender's eye and asks for another pint, and says "can I have toasted Turkey, cranberry and Camembert toasted sandwich this time?" which in a very short time, the bartender delivers. With a very large burp, as he finishes that off, Mr Rabbit asks for another pint and a toasted mozzarella, tomato and rosemary sandwich.
Next time the bartender looks, the bunny is all wobbly and falls of the barstool. "Bunny," says the bartender, "go home, you're drunk.".
Mr Rabbit opens one wobbly eye and looks at the bartender. "Yeah, nah," says bunny, "I just mixed m'toasties."
posted by b33j at 3:47 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Next time the bartender looks, the bunny is all wobbly and falls of the barstool. "Bunny," says the bartender, "go home, you're drunk.".
Mr Rabbit opens one wobbly eye and looks at the bartender. "Yeah, nah," says bunny, "I just mixed m'toasties."
posted by b33j at 3:47 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
myxomatosis , ahh
posted by Bee'sWing at 5:43 AM on July 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Bee'sWing at 5:43 AM on July 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
A/an (insert alcoholic stereotype here) walks out of a bar.
Hey, it could happen.
posted by BWA at 5:56 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hey, it could happen.
posted by BWA at 5:56 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I saw a fireworks safety demonstration that showed what happens when you look down the tube of a mortar when it goes off--a thing some people actually do--and it took the dummy's head right off. I have an abiding hatred for mortars. All the nesting birds I was feeding disappeared last summer after my neighbors lit off several. I don't know if the nestlings starved or died of shock.
posted by LindsayIrene at 8:23 AM on July 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by LindsayIrene at 8:23 AM on July 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
"Yeah, nah," says bunny, "I just mixed m'toasties."
myxomatosis , ahh
Speaking as a person ignorant of rabbit disease, it succeeded as a shaggy dog story, and the revelation that's really a pun makes it better.
posted by othrechaz at 9:10 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
myxomatosis , ahh
Speaking as a person ignorant of rabbit disease, it succeeded as a shaggy dog story, and the revelation that's really a pun makes it better.
posted by othrechaz at 9:10 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
When I was a kid, fireworks consisted of my uncle planting some small tube in the ground at an angle, lighting the fuse with a small punk stick, and running away. The thing would shoot up into the air, there would be a pop, and for a brief moment a bunch of very colorful embers would splash against the night sky. Then my uncle would casually walk to the launch site with another tube to repeat the process.
Now people are buying entire boxes of mortars tied together with a single fuse that when lit, fire projectiles into the sky nonstop for several minutes.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 9:42 AM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Now people are buying entire boxes of mortars tied together with a single fuse that when lit, fire projectiles into the sky nonstop for several minutes.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 9:42 AM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Thanks, los pantalones del muerte. Your joke genuinely made me laugh out loud.
I really like fireworks. I'd much rather see them used for a less ugly holiday, like the New Year or the Solstice. Better yet, May Day. But, I also recognize a lot of people hate them. I'd be willing to give them up. I've rescued a chihuahua running down the middle of a very busy street on the 4th in the past. (Though, if we're going to get rid of fireworks, the military airshows should go first.)
I spent the holiday morning driving the spouse I'm separating from to the airport after the last night living together. I don't really have a model for how to break up with someone you still respect and love but can't live with. I think we're doing it as thoughtfully and ethically as anybody can. At least we're trying to. It's good and necessary, but that doesn't make it less sad. I wasn't feeling up to watching fireworks afterward. Especially red white and blue ones.
posted by eotvos at 9:50 AM on July 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
I really like fireworks. I'd much rather see them used for a less ugly holiday, like the New Year or the Solstice. Better yet, May Day. But, I also recognize a lot of people hate them. I'd be willing to give them up. I've rescued a chihuahua running down the middle of a very busy street on the 4th in the past. (Though, if we're going to get rid of fireworks, the military airshows should go first.)
I spent the holiday morning driving the spouse I'm separating from to the airport after the last night living together. I don't really have a model for how to break up with someone you still respect and love but can't live with. I think we're doing it as thoughtfully and ethically as anybody can. At least we're trying to. It's good and necessary, but that doesn't make it less sad. I wasn't feeling up to watching fireworks afterward. Especially red white and blue ones.
posted by eotvos at 9:50 AM on July 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
I'm happy to report that all four of my feral cat crew showed up promptly for breakfast this morning, looking disgruntled but healthy.
posted by MrVisible at 10:15 AM on July 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by MrVisible at 10:15 AM on July 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
I can't decide on whether sinking my teeth into something meaty, will over come my feelings of floss.
Someone asked for floss puns. In search of flossed puns.
posted by Oyéah at 1:29 PM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Someone asked for floss puns. In search of flossed puns.
posted by Oyéah at 1:29 PM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Mmmmm, hot flossed puns...
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:38 PM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:38 PM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
(Factually incorrect) limerick inspired by a joke about the "Elizabeth Line" Crossrail project on a British panel show I watched last night:
The Brits engineered a big bore-hole
That stretched from Pall Mall to Balmoral
It was done so the Queen
Could traverse it unseen
Without setting traffic a-snorl
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:25 PM on July 5, 2022
The Brits engineered a big bore-hole
That stretched from Pall Mall to Balmoral
It was done so the Queen
Could traverse it unseen
Without setting traffic a-snorl
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:25 PM on July 5, 2022
A cardinal, an imam, and a rabbit walked into the bar ...
The bartender said, Wait! I think this is a clerical error.
posted by Jesse the K at 3:10 PM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
The bartender said, Wait! I think this is a clerical error.
posted by Jesse the K at 3:10 PM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Of all the jokes I've ever heard, that's...one of them.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:14 PM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:14 PM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
...just then the waiter came over to my booth, wiping his hands on his apron, glancing left and right.
"Um," he said. "Those two guys you were sitting with?"
Ah crap, Doolie probably told them I'd pay his check. Little bastard. "Yeah, what about them?"
"Um, is that your red one-ton outside?" Ah, man. I'm not gonna like this. "So...?"
The waiter said, "Well, the one in the yellow jacket just keyed your passenger door."
Shit. That probably means his check is no good, either.
posted by mule98J at 8:59 PM on July 5, 2022
"Um," he said. "Those two guys you were sitting with?"
Ah crap, Doolie probably told them I'd pay his check. Little bastard. "Yeah, what about them?"
"Um, is that your red one-ton outside?" Ah, man. I'm not gonna like this. "So...?"
The waiter said, "Well, the one in the yellow jacket just keyed your passenger door."
Shit. That probably means his check is no good, either.
posted by mule98J at 8:59 PM on July 5, 2022
Luckily no fireworks for us in July.
But in November we get an unfortunate overlap of Diwali and Guy Fawkes which means a week or two of fireworks. At least these days it's not so bad as it's illegal to sell or set off fireworks except if you've got a permit for a big public display.
Before that, things could get a bit much. Especially those big thunderclap things, or whatever they're called, that just make a massive loud boom.
My little rescue budgy Norma Jean had started trusting me a bit more. I've had her for 3 years. Her previous owner traumatised her badly, handling her roughly and starving her.
I got another rescue, Carlos, who is a big, outgoing, confident bird (well, big for a budgie). He's got a habit of flying over to me and perching on my head. Then he slides down my fringe and pecks at my forehead until I let him climb on my hand.
Emboldened by Carlos, Norma Jean has started flying over to me too. I can always tell it's her sitting on my head and not Carlos, because she's so incredibly small and light. Also she doesn't growl at me like he does.
posted by Zumbador at 11:22 PM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
But in November we get an unfortunate overlap of Diwali and Guy Fawkes which means a week or two of fireworks. At least these days it's not so bad as it's illegal to sell or set off fireworks except if you've got a permit for a big public display.
Before that, things could get a bit much. Especially those big thunderclap things, or whatever they're called, that just make a massive loud boom.
My little rescue budgy Norma Jean had started trusting me a bit more. I've had her for 3 years. Her previous owner traumatised her badly, handling her roughly and starving her.
I got another rescue, Carlos, who is a big, outgoing, confident bird (well, big for a budgie). He's got a habit of flying over to me and perching on my head. Then he slides down my fringe and pecks at my forehead until I let him climb on my hand.
Emboldened by Carlos, Norma Jean has started flying over to me too. I can always tell it's her sitting on my head and not Carlos, because she's so incredibly small and light. Also she doesn't growl at me like he does.
posted by Zumbador at 11:22 PM on July 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
cockatoos meet each other in pet store
posted by pyramid termite at 6:49 AM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by pyramid termite at 6:49 AM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
An Engineer’s Guide to a Cat’s Posterior Alarm System
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:21 PM on July 6, 2022
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:21 PM on July 6, 2022
I'm not sure this is FPP material (though I have 100% posted twitter threads as FPPs) but I'm tossing this here:
in nuclear they have something called a "dose monkey": a low-level contractor payed a lump sum to work until they max out their allowed yearly radiation dose. sometimes that's months. sometimes it's a day
consider: "to what extent am i a dose-monkey for stress?"
posted by curious nu at 5:03 PM on July 6, 2022
in nuclear they have something called a "dose monkey": a low-level contractor payed a lump sum to work until they max out their allowed yearly radiation dose. sometimes that's months. sometimes it's a day
consider: "to what extent am i a dose-monkey for stress?"
posted by curious nu at 5:03 PM on July 6, 2022
Hahahah, I'm not ALLOWED to max out on the stress I have to take.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:37 PM on July 6, 2022
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:37 PM on July 6, 2022
One of these days.... I have a good grand unified theory of everything that involves hourglasses, the karmic cycle, multiple dimensions, and life strategy that comes down to "unique cat buts".
If you're up for dirty-not-dirty math jokes....
Impure Mathematics: The Adventures of Polly Nomial -- aka The Tale of Curly Pi and Little Miss Polly Nomial.
My other good math joke is #47 but I keep getting the timing wrong.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:51 PM on July 6, 2022
If you're up for dirty-not-dirty math jokes....
Impure Mathematics: The Adventures of Polly Nomial -- aka The Tale of Curly Pi and Little Miss Polly Nomial.
My other good math joke is #47 but I keep getting the timing wrong.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:51 PM on July 6, 2022
That Polly Nomial story is the second time today, and also the second time in my entire life of math-nerdery, that I have encountered the word surd, which refers to either a square (or higher) root which can’t be simplified away, or to the √ part of the radical symbol.
It’s like that time that three people taught me about the Badger-Meinhof effect in the same week.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 6:50 PM on July 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
It’s like that time that three people taught me about the Badger-Meinhof effect in the same week.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 6:50 PM on July 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
Dear autocorrect: Baader, not Badger.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 6:57 PM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 6:57 PM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
"Badger-Meinhof effect" would make a fantastic username!
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:14 PM on July 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:14 PM on July 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
badger badger badger badger MEINhof MEINhof
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 3:25 AM on July 7, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 3:25 AM on July 7, 2022 [8 favorites]
I am not going to curse the front page by putting this on there again, but it looks like there is a decidedly real chance the Depp/Heard verdict will be thrown out. Seriously. One of the jurors wasn't who they summoned. She was her daughter.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 4:08 PM on July 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 4:08 PM on July 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
i want to share this heartwarming email i got this evening from some unknown random firstname.lastname###@gmail.com that i have no idea whom they are. no subject. plain text, no html.
posted by glonous keming at 10:20 PM on July 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection sincerely apologize if I offended you with this note.thats it thats the message ✌
posted by glonous keming at 10:20 PM on July 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
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posted by mmoncur at 2:59 AM on July 4, 2022 [14 favorites]