I am the walrus

July 30, 2022 4:47 PM

Norway has been enthralled for months by a young, female, boat-crushing walrus

Freya the walrus has shot to stardom by traveling the country's coastline, feeding in local harbors and crushing small boats with her hefty frame.

posted by freakazoid (30 comments total)

A role-model for us all. Take up space. Eat. Bask. Force officials to move you.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 5:08 PM on July 30, 2022 [76 favorites]

"Fólkvangr ’tis called,
where Freyja rules
degrees of seats in the hall;
Half the kill
she keepeth each day,
and half Odin hath."
posted by clavdivs at 5:30 PM on July 30, 2022 [14 favorites]

That walrus is living her best life.

How can you not love those sexy whiskers and adorable toofies.

I have the same reaction to watching her that I have to cats. Everything wants to go all boneless in the sun, just like they do.
posted by liminal_shadows at 6:10 PM on July 30, 2022 [7 favorites]

Wasn't there a mononymous walrus that went around sinking boats (presumably unintentionally) just last year in various ports around the British Isles? I believe the prevailing theory is that the peregrinating pinniped had fallen asleep on an iceberg that drifted too far south.
posted by theory at 6:29 PM on July 30, 2022 [4 favorites]

You must be thinking of Wally!
posted by saladin at 6:33 PM on July 30, 2022 [3 favorites]

VENKMAN: Oh, wonderful, we have to get these two together.

EGON: I think that would be extraordinarily dangerous.
posted by mhoye at 6:38 PM on July 30, 2022 [21 favorites]

I feel confident that no walrus has ever sunk a boat intentionally. It’s very clear that they think they are pretty little princesses and have only gotten one part of that wrong. However, I would never tell a walrus that - they are just so full of joi de vivre and fish that I don’t have the heart.

Also, I wish I had a walrus for a BFF.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 7:05 PM on July 30, 2022 [16 favorites]

Someone just needs to make her a boat.
posted by NoThisIsPatrick at 7:13 PM on July 30, 2022 [1 favorite]

Pugs of the sea.
posted by johnxlibris at 7:32 PM on July 30, 2022 [8 favorites]

I hope she's having a great time. Live long and prosper freya.
posted by bleep at 7:48 PM on July 30, 2022 [1 favorite]

The map of Freya sightings since 2019 is pretty impressive. If you've swum that far in three years then I think you should have the right to sleep on any boat you like.
posted by offog at 8:26 PM on July 30, 2022 [10 favorites]

"Oops I Sunk It Again" comes to mind.

Oops, I sunk it again
I slept on your boat
Got lost in the dream
Oh baby, baby
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:35 PM on July 30, 2022 [12 favorites]

Her small tusks, white scar on her right nostril and previous injury on her flipper allow Aae to distinguish between Freya and previous sightings of fellow celebrity walruses Wally and Stena, who embarked on their own European tours for several years before returning to the Arctic to settle down.

Huh. So walruses do gap years.
posted by MrVisible at 8:49 PM on July 30, 2022 [8 favorites]

The idea of a walrus gap year(s) where one does not much but swim, eat, sunbathe, and sleep is very inspiring.
posted by wym at 9:31 PM on July 30, 2022 [10 favorites]

There is at least one published dataset of autonomous pinniped bathythermograph readings. With metadata and everything!
posted by clew at 10:36 PM on July 30, 2022

Finland had a tragic version of that story, earlier this month. A walrus swam ashore in Hamina, where it’s antics transfixed the Finnish public. Once it became clear that the walrus was in a poor condition, an attempt was made to rescue her, which failed, to many people’s shock and dismay. The walrus will be preserved at Finland’s natural history museum.
posted by Kattullus at 11:51 PM on July 30, 2022 [2 favorites]

I jus realized that the walrus in Finland was nicknamed Stena by Norwegians, and is mentioned in the article. Here is a map of her sightings.
posted by Kattullus at 12:10 AM on July 31, 2022

How does a walrus eat oysters? I assume they'd bite off encrusted chunks of them, chew them whole and then swallow. Which would mean an enormous amount of broken, sharp shells in their digestive tract. Sounds painful!

I thought they just ate fish. Learn something new every day.
posted by SoberHighland at 5:07 AM on July 31, 2022

How does a walrus eat oysters?

I weep for you,' the Walrus said:
I deeply sympathize.'
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

O Oysters,' said the Carpenter,
You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none —
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one."

posted by zamboni at 6:32 AM on July 31, 2022 [15 favorites]

SoberHighland, the oysters and clams are why walruses have those whiskers aka vibrissiae!
posted by joyceanmachine at 7:01 AM on July 31, 2022 [4 favorites]

> Also, I wish I had a walrus for a BFF.

“You're gonna need a bigger boat.”
posted by sebastienbailard at 6:09 PM on July 31, 2022 [1 favorite]

I’ve been saying this for at least fifteen years now, but when I grow up, I want to be a walrus. They are essentially living sofas. The world is their comfy spot to lie down. They swim, they eat, they sleep. What more is best in life, Walrus Conan?


(Walrus honking noises)
posted by Ghidorah at 6:26 PM on July 31, 2022 [8 favorites]

E.T. the Walrus
posted by clavdivs at 6:38 PM on August 1, 2022 [1 favorite]

Sensational role model!
posted by The Adventure Begins at 12:29 PM on August 2, 2022

Walrus Freya who became attraction in Norway's Oslo Fjord put down.
posted by Pendragon at 4:39 AM on August 14, 2022

He added that other options had been considered, including moving Freya out of the fjord, but they had been discarded out of concern for the welfare of the walrus.

So tranquilizing and moving her would have posed an unacceptable risk to her welfare but euthanasia was fine welfare-wise?

I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, I guess, and assume there were really reasons beside cost that moving her (or fining or otherwise getting rid of the onlookers) wasn't possible, but I've read this news in a few places and it would be nice if they didn't leave those reasons up to my imagination.
posted by trig at 9:25 AM on August 14, 2022 [2 favorites]

So they killed her because humans wouldn't stay away from her for their own safety?

*facepalm* I guess that figures. God, humans suck.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:01 AM on August 14, 2022 [1 favorite]

They killed Freya the walrus. I am so angry about her pointless death, a comic from First Dog on the Moon.
posted by Kattullus at 3:28 AM on August 15, 2022 [2 favorites]

fucking norwegian fucking bastards
business end of a narwhal's too good for them
posted by scruss at 12:11 PM on August 15, 2022

The latest reports out of Norway are that the director general of fisheries, and his wife, have been subjected to death threats, to the point that police have gotten involved 🙁
posted by Kattullus at 12:28 PM on August 15, 2022