"half-remembered and half-created, neither real nor ideal"

May 22, 2024 10:59 AM

Andrew was convinced the writer had been trans. By this point his friends were tired of hearing about it, but he had no one else to tell besides the internet, and he was too smart for that. That would be asking for it. B. Pladek's new short fantasy story "The Spindle of Necessity" (published in the May 20th, 2024 issue of Strange Horizons) is a captivating, closely-observed story of longing, literary connection, insecurity, queer community, and how we make use of the past. I think this will resonate with a lot of readers who wrestle with questions about representation and what used to be called #OwnVoices in fiction, and mixed feelings about art we love.

From the story:

Adrian was kind, and never told him outright he was projecting. “Finnes had a lot of gay friends, didn’t you say? She probably knew enough to get that feeling right.”

"Haha, yeah.” He tried to sound careless. “I guess it’s doing a disservice to her as an author, to think she couldn’t imagine that experience. Pretty sexist of me, too, right? Expecting a woman couldn’t write beyond herself.” He laughed. Above him the diner’s blue lights blinked, affecting cozy authenticity.

“Nah,” said Adrian, in the tone that meant, I hadn’t thought of it, but yes.

.......

That night he walked for a long time before sleep. He was ashamed, and not even of the right things—like how Finnes’s novels, problematic in the way of all aged art, rung him more than the modern books he was supposed to love; like how the community he longed for was rife with misogyny and racism; like how he could never tell if his fears were his own, or internalized transphobia: all the shameful truths that, before his transition, he’d seen as proof he didn’t deserve it. No, it was the same damn romanticization of lovers who didn’t exist—and maybe shouldn’t, he realized, for all the reasons he’d just listed. Maybe the shames weren’t so distinct.

He walked. Up the lakefront, past the art museum, among the old, car-clogged streets of the east side; down one street which had been the city’s Castro in the ’70s; down another where the famous trans activist had once lived, before he moved west and died young, in ’91. He listened, but the streets were mute, like a refusal. He felt like he was dragging himself along behind himself, an extra weight on his own legs. There was no one to relieve him, to pass the baton to.

........

"[The] books have been something of a refuge for you. Is that right?”

“Yes, of course,” he said bitterly. “That’s the whole problem.”....

“They’re not real, they’re nothing close to my life or anyone’s life. They’re wrong, don’t you understand? And loving them makes me wrong.”

........

You can’t escape reality, he thought hazily, in books or dreams. But you couldn’t live without dreaming either. And sometimes, if you were lucky, you dreamed yourself awake.

posted by brainwane (12 comments total)

[A reminder to my fellow commenters:

This story is fiction, not an essay or memoir. Please keep that in mind while commenting; I write this because sometimes it's easy to slide into forgetting that, when an author writes a story this relatable, addressing hot political topics, in which some characters act imperfectly. I would like to make room for the probability that the author, while describing one particular set of characters grappling with a set of political issues, is not directly prescribing what the reader should believe or do, nor declaring that specific real-life historical literary figures were or were not trans.]
posted by brainwane at 11:05 AM on May 22 [6 favorites]

I'm feeling clever in recognizing the homage to Mary Renault. But it's a false sort of clever - I've only read one of her books (The Persian Boy) and I remember almost nothing of the plot.

I also don't have an interest in debating whether or not Renault was trans; to quote the character Fiennes, "'You have no idea of my pains or pleasures, young man. I’d thank you to stop assuming.'" But maybe I should read more of Renault's books and let them speak for themselves.
posted by jb at 11:55 AM on May 22 [1 favorite]

That was really fantastic, thank you for sharing. I appreciated the vivid window into a very specific angst I had rarely considered - I really felt all Andrew's confusion, shame, frustration, longing so clearly. It was cleverly (and ambiguously) framed and compassionate and sad.

Looked B. Pladek up and you can read more of his short fiction here.
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 12:24 PM on May 22 [2 favorites]

I ended up wishing that there was more to the story, that we could see more of Andrew’s life. Which I guess is a sign of a relatable story.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:42 PM on May 22 [1 favorite]

I don't know Mary Renault (about to go learn!) but I thought of James Tiptree Jr..

I like this; thanks!
posted by librarina at 2:54 PM on May 22 [1 favorite]

Mary Renault is maybe one of the few writers that I actually would be curious about meeting in person.
posted by ovvl at 3:40 PM on May 22

Interesting story! I too enjoyed The Charioteer and felt vaguely guilty about that.
posted by mersen at 4:24 PM on May 22 [1 favorite]

A callout to Hope Mirrlees! Damn.
posted by jokeefe at 5:15 PM on May 22

(not-quite-meeting Mary Renault previously)
posted by away for regrooving at 5:38 PM on May 22

I assume the mention of the Dubious Hills is for Pamela Dean.
posted by PussKillian at 6:18 PM on May 22

The author has specifically said:

"my favorite story I’ve ever written & also my most trans is out..... It’s about wanting history to affirm us & what happens when history refuses.

alternately: it’s about trying to crack Mary Renault’s egg & she says no"

and:

"someday I'll write a story about a trans guy who is not a sad little sack. today is not this day"
posted by brainwane at 8:34 PM on May 22 [2 favorites]

I do admire that they avoided the easy trap of "god like character from your dreams/alternate reality/etc explains it all and delivers the moral"

It's a nice little slice of dreaminess mixed with the utter despair of feeling like you're floundering.

Also, another good avoidance in that Andrew (good name, I like it.:) ) has a supportive community of friends around him and he's not "sad lonely LGBTQ person in a tragedy of solitude"
posted by drewbage1847 at 10:14 AM on May 23 [2 favorites]