It was a *very* scary ham.
May 24, 2024 8:44 AM   Subscribe

A very old ham finally got the funeral it deserved. Ellen Klages, during her intro on a recent episode of "Jeopardy!" mentioned an old, scary ham, and encouraged people to learn more about it. The tale of the "heirloom ham" does not disappoint.

In the early ‘90s, my father’s brother gave him a Christmas present, a ham. Not the kind in a can, but a full-sized southern-style ham. A Smithfield ham. They are supposed to be aged a bit before serving, hanging for six months or a year in a dry Virginia smokehouse. My father hung his in a damp Ohio basement. For twenty years.
posted by davidmsc (48 comments total) 46 users marked this as a favorite
 
This was marvelous. Absolutely marvelous. And this gem from the article:

“We are 50-year-old women. We can’t just set a toxic ham on fire in a public place. We’ll get caught. We’ll get arrested.”

Farewell scary ham
posted by Kitteh at 8:48 AM on May 24, 2024 [4 favorites]


Mary said a few words in Episcopalian. . .

That there is a very nice phrase.
posted by The Bellman at 8:51 AM on May 24, 2024 [17 favorites]


I am dying here trying not to laugh so my coworkers don't know I'm not working and trying not to let that make me cough so my coworkers aren't afraid I am going to give them covid.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:53 AM on May 24, 2024 [6 favorites]


Great little story. Thanks for the post.

I had the privilege of taking a literary theory course with Mary Klages in the 90s. An excellent and kind teacher.
posted by Don.Kinsayder at 9:05 AM on May 24, 2024 [7 favorites]


That was both charming and scary, but not without precedent here in Virginia, where you can view the world's oldest ham online or in person! (In Smithfield, naturally.) More on that "pet ham." One of my faculty has previously 3D-scanned that ham, and every year at Christmas I hang a teeny version on the tree...
posted by cupcakeninja at 9:09 AM on May 24, 2024 [6 favorites]


My wife and I bought a foreclosure and are slowly remodeling/refurbishing it, which delights us because it's like having a human-sized dollhouse to play with.

Anyhow, I'm tearing out the 2nd floor ceiling due to water damage, and on pulling down a chunk of plaster and lathe, I see....a leg.

A tiny leg, mostly just the little bones but some fur.

I work with a mask on anyways, due to the wet and gross blown-in insulation, so I get up on the scaffold and gently, carefully, work on it from above.

I discovered an entire mummified squirrel. It had curled up and died, tucked away in a corner, and wasn't noticed even when they blew new insulation in during the 1990s.

I carefully unburied it, and, as one does, took a picture of its little intact corpse and sent it to my wife.

Most people may react "ew" or "why would you send me this" but my wife is a 3d multimedia artist / sculptor who uses bones and taxidermy in her works, and her response was "YES BRING IT TO ME".

Somewhere in our house there is a box labeled "SQUIRREL CORPSE FRAGILE".

I say "somewhere" because...the box was put someplace for safekeeping and has disappeared from our sight. We've looked for it to no avail.

So, my children, this is a warning, when the time comes to clean out our house, there's a squirrel corpse but it's clearly marked so it shouldn't be too much of a surprise.

The cat mummy that was found UNDER the house, though, we know where that is. Its name is Penny and we're building a glass-topped case for it, to have pride of place somewhere inside the house rather in the dark crawlspace.
posted by AzraelBrown at 9:15 AM on May 24, 2024 [44 favorites]


We don't have a scary ham, but we do have some well scary cheese in the fridge.
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 9:18 AM on May 24, 2024 [2 favorites]


That was a fun story. My parents are decluttering, and as far as I know, don't have anything scary. They do have a rifle that my dad made in school, which prompted a discussion of a whole side of his life that my wife didn't know about.
posted by Spike Glee at 9:27 AM on May 24, 2024 [2 favorites]


All aged cheese is scary cheese. The stuff they sell you in the store just has the horrifying outer crust chopped off. Even scary cheese often has a beautiful delicious center.

Ham, not so much. Do not eat the scary ham.
posted by caution live frogs at 9:28 AM on May 24, 2024 [3 favorites]


I held it together not laughing until 7th line. Jesus god, "The scary ham and cat-shit room" made me look a fool at work.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 9:35 AM on May 24, 2024 [3 favorites]


My parents are decluttering, and as far as I know, don't have anything scary. They do have a rifle that my dad made in school . . .

But, you know, nothing scary about that.
posted by The Bellman at 9:35 AM on May 24, 2024 [2 favorites]


pls add #askme #canieatit tags. kthxbai.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 9:42 AM on May 24, 2024 [6 favorites]


My dad went to a gunsmithing school, so it's just a regular bolt action rifle.
Now while at school, he went to Vegas with a couple of friends in a convertible that had rifle holsters on the sides, for easy access. The 1950s were a really different time.
posted by Spike Glee at 9:42 AM on May 24, 2024 [3 favorites]


also, looking forward to reading this when i have time. thanks for sharing. the summary makes it sound like it's best of web.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 9:43 AM on May 24, 2024 [2 favorites]


I don't know what it is about the elderly that makes them want to take out their friends and family via food poisoning. My father threatens weekly to feed me room-temperature sausage and/or foraged mushrooms. And there is usually one biological experiment at the bottom of his fridge.
posted by credulous at 10:06 AM on May 24, 2024 [3 favorites]


cupcakeninja, thank you for that. the ham scan in question. despite my original purpose in finding that scan, i will not be printing a withered ham tonight. it is absolutely gross.

(i do like the ham livestream, like people are going to keep it on in the background in case something happens with the ham)
posted by phooky at 10:16 AM on May 24, 2024 [4 favorites]


OMFG THIS IS THE BEST and somewhat reminds me of cleaning out my grandfather's storage unit and finding very old moonshine(?). This is a Storytelling Story for sure.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:19 AM on May 24, 2024 [1 favorite]


“We are 50-year-old women. We can’t just set a toxic ham on fire in a public place. We’ll get caught. We’ll get arrested.”

They're from Ohio. Up in Albany they know what to do with ham.
posted by chavenet at 10:34 AM on May 24, 2024 [3 favorites]


Up in Albany they know what to do with ham.

Steam it?
posted by The Bellman at 10:35 AM on May 24, 2024 [11 favorites]


Do not eat the scary ham.

Pfft. If it had actually putrefied it would have stunk the house out. Just a mouse going wrong in the walls can do that; that quantity of meat going rotten in the basement would have rendered the house completely uninhabitable.

Smithfield knows its business.
posted by flabdablet at 10:36 AM on May 24, 2024 [7 favorites]


this is the opposite of scary ham in many ways & a much less fun story but on Leap Day 2020 taquito boyfriend's visiting brother purchased two packs of Costco chocolate muffins, heroically ate most of them, and left the remaining two on top of our fridge for us to forget about and ultimately throw away months later when we noticed them all gross and moldy

except when we did notice them months later, they were not gross and moldy, they looked fine

taquito boyfriend bought them a trophy case intended to hold a football and they live in there with their little dated receipt to this day, still looking just fine (he says at one point they acquired the tiniest spot of white mold which he picked off & they never attempted to mold further)

anyway our kids are going to have to figure out what to do with these muffins after we're gone because we are ride-or-die for them now
posted by taquito sunrise at 10:40 AM on May 24, 2024 [22 favorites]


A good story, but I'm begging people, please do not throw a ham in your stream. I don't want to be a stick in the mud but my goodness a stream is not the right place to throw moldy meat.

Family legend tells of an ice cream sandwich that fell behind the fridge. No one knows how long it lay there, but when the fridge was moved for a long needed deep cleaning, it was discovered, perfect in its mummification. No one was willing to step forward for losing the ice cream sandwich.
posted by ockmockbock at 10:47 AM on May 24, 2024 [9 favorites]


it's clearly marked so it shouldn't be too much of a surprise.

”I don’t know what I expected.”
posted by zamboni at 10:47 AM on May 24, 2024 [2 favorites]


I forget about this regularly, but when my kids were young we (honestly, mostly my wife) were homeschooling, and one of the projects she came up with when learning about Egypt was making a mummy. We've had a mummified chicken on a bookshelf for about 20 years.

I look forward to the kids having to decide what to do with that.
posted by Ickster at 10:58 AM on May 24, 2024 [13 favorites]


A good story, but I'm begging people, please do not throw a ham in your stream.

For all we know that ham could have been covered with a mold that produces the most powerful antibiotic ever. But you're right in any case.
posted by tommasz at 11:42 AM on May 24, 2024


this is only tangential to this post, but does anyone know why Reactor wants to know whether I'm "between 13-15 years old" for "compliance with applicable privacy laws"? Which privacy laws apply specifically to that age group?
posted by BungaDunga at 11:46 AM on May 24, 2024 [3 favorites]


okay, a Google result blames California's CPRA, but I still don't understand why this prompt wants under-13s to click "no" and presumably be treated as if they were over 15
posted by BungaDunga at 11:48 AM on May 24, 2024 [2 favorites]


In other "antique ham" media (a disturbingly common genre?): John Hodgman rules on the advisability of eating a 50-year-old ham.
posted by the tartare yolk at 12:17 PM on May 24, 2024 [2 favorites]


Aw man, I was really hoping that ham-scan was a CT so we could see what's actually left inside. One can dream.
posted by JoeZydeco at 12:21 PM on May 24, 2024 [1 favorite]


>...that ham could have been covered with a mold that produces the most powerful antibiotic ever.

That would actually be a terrible thing to throw in a body of water - killing all the bacteria in an ecosystem is generally bad (anyone who endured recurring C-Diff after antibiotic treatment can testify to this)
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 12:23 PM on May 24, 2024 [3 favorites]


Then again, here's some prime rib after 550 days and... there's not much left.
posted by JoeZydeco at 12:24 PM on May 24, 2024


In other "antique ham" media (a disturbingly common genre?): John Hodgman rules on the advisability of eating a 50-year-old ham.

By some definitions, 50 year old ham is merely vintage, not antique. Then again, antique dealers generally don't deal in food products.
posted by zamboni at 12:29 PM on May 24, 2024 [3 favorites]


Do not eat the scary ham.

"To get back to the warning that I received. You may take it with however many grains of salt that you wish. That the scary ham that is circulating around us isn't too good. It is suggested that you stay away from that. Of course it's your own trip. So be my guest, but please be advised that there is a warning on that one, ok?"
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:37 PM on May 24, 2024 [2 favorites]


I love a properly prepared country ham and would be sorely tempted to eat that one. They are SUPPOSED to have mold on them!
posted by TedW at 12:46 PM on May 24, 2024


A good story, but I'm begging people, please do not throw a ham in your stream.

That the scary ham that is circulating around us isn't too good. It is suggested that you stay away from that.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome warmly Country Ham and the Fish.
posted by zamboni at 1:31 PM on May 24, 2024 [2 favorites]


I don't know what it is about the elderly that makes them want to take out their friends and family via food poisoning. My father threatens weekly to feed me room-temperature sausage and/or foraged mushrooms. And there is usually one biological experiment at the bottom of his fridge.

Whenever I commented on my mom's food safety practices or lack thereof she responded with "Well, I haven't killed you yet" and I always responded with "Yet". Eventually though I became independent enough to start refusing the suss food. Somewhere around turning 45 or so.
posted by srboisvert at 1:32 PM on May 24, 2024 [2 favorites]


This is a very funny story, but I really can't relate, I wouldn't have been able to let it go without at least trying to cut into it and seeing what it was like.

You know it's not rotten, because that would have stunk to high heaven, and generally, I think if a thing is ok to leave hanging for a year, it's probably also ok to leave hanging for 20 years, although I'd be concerned about loss of moisture making it just very dried out. There's of course also the risk of stuff like botulism and other scary, hard to detect things, but I'm sure I could look up that risk.

I'm not saying I would have tasted it, but I'd at least want to have a good look, and if it looked fine, I'd definitely consider it.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 1:35 PM on May 24, 2024 [3 favorites]


A good story, but I'm begging people, please do not throw a ham in your stream.

Streamed ham
posted by chavenet at 2:11 PM on May 24, 2024 [17 favorites]


You can only view it if you are between ages 13-15. You won’t get the references otherwise.
posted by amanda at 2:31 PM on May 24, 2024 [4 favorites]


The story was adapted into a short film.
posted by MythMaker at 3:11 PM on May 24, 2024 [1 favorite]


This is a very funny story, but I really can't relate, I wouldn't have been able to let it go without at least trying to cut into it and seeing what it was like.

Second to last paragraph in the story:

After I’d cut it down from the basement ceiling, I tried to carve into it, to see how far down through the mold and mildew I’d have to go before I hit recognizable ham-like-meat. I never found out. I broke three knives trying.

posted by jacquilynne at 3:43 PM on May 24, 2024 [3 favorites]


I hesitate to share this because the series was cut down in its prime, and it's not the easiest to navigate. Nevertheless it carries an important warning about interfering in the affairs of senior hams. Dark Hams by Smallbrainfield.
posted by BCMagee at 4:20 PM on May 24, 2024 [3 favorites]


My wife tried to kill me with old spaghetti
Me: "How old is this spaghetti? Doesn't it smell a bit weird to you? How many days has it been sitting out?"
Her: "Oh, it's fine. It won't kill you."
Me: *spends a week sick in bed*
When your nose and your wife disagree, trust your nose, not your wife.

But about throwing an old ham in a creek: I'm not a hamologist, but considering everything else that gets into a typical creek, I doubt one old cured ham would make much difference. Might even do something positive for the ecosystem.
posted by pracowity at 4:46 AM on May 26, 2024 [3 favorites]


The important take-away is that saving "nice" things for some unknown future "worthwhile" occasion is a fool's game. Presuming anyone in that household actually liked a good ham, none of them got to enjoy it.
posted by maxwelton at 11:00 PM on May 26, 2024 [3 favorites]


I doubt one old cured ham would make much difference. Might even do something positive for the ecosystem.

Now I'm imagining a party of yabbies got up in tuxedos and cocktail gowns and seated in a tastefully decorated room with deep carpet and dark wood panelling while a rather snooty sommelier trout offers several varieties of duck shit to accompany their finely aged artisanal meat bait.
posted by flabdablet at 2:22 AM on May 27, 2024 [2 favorites]


The story was adapted into a short film.

Here she is discussing the planned (back in 2015) making of the film. And here she is telling the story on Jeopardy.

She dines out on this scary ham.
posted by pracowity at 7:38 AM on May 27, 2024 [2 favorites]


Mod note: We will always remember this ham, by adding it to the sidebar and Best Of blog!
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 6:55 AM on May 30, 2024 [1 favorite]


I forget about this regularly, but when my kids were young we (honestly, mostly my wife) were homeschooling, and one of the projects she came up with when learning about Egypt was making a mummy. We've had a mummified chicken on a bookshelf for about 20 years.

I, also a homeschooling parent, remember the mummified chicken phase! We didn't do one, but lots of our friends did. Our opportunity to do it came from some kind of Egypt-themed history curriculum a lot of us were doing.
posted by Well I never at 10:16 AM on June 2, 2024


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