"I don't want nothing anymore; I want everything."
July 12, 2024 9:18 AM Subscribe
At first, I wrote: sobriety has made me ruthless. But it hasn’t, any more than it was ever going to make me selfless. Ruthlessness is just something I’ve excavated from myself since I quit drinking, this frantic drive to snatch up what I want. Writer Rax King on sobriety.
Scroll down a bit past the intro to get to the essay.
Scroll down a bit past the intro to get to the essay.
Yeah, in some ways I feel like sobriety is just my non-sober life minus alcohol. I didn't magically become a better person; I am still fundamentally myself. But I'm a version of myself that's not spending every third day with a hangover, or ashamed of what I might have said last night, etc., etc. It's remarkably easier to build a better life when you're not tearing things down three times a week.
There is also the boredom of drinking - you end up at the same place most of the time, and while the path might change, the stations are the same. I traded that for the boredom of not-drinking, which I much prefer. Alcohol made me complacent, able to cope with hard things I felt were unchangeable, but really, it was just self-sabotage. Not drinking has made those hard things unbearable so I started doing the work to get rid of them. It turns out the problem was not that I couldn't cope with my shitty job or my fears of the future, it's that I needed to get a better job! And a future that I felt better about!
So - alcohol made the pain bearable but it turns out that pain is a signal - a symptom but not the disease itself. I got so used to ignoring myself and my needs because I could just have a drink and not have to think about it or work to change things.
Sobriety, therapy, and medication were three giant shifts I made to my life. I wish I'd pursued them in that order, instead of the reverse, because therapy and medication didn't really have a chance of working for me when I was still drinking. Also my mental help diagnosis was wrong because the drinking covered up half of my symptoms, which uhhhh made things a bit harder than they needed to be.
Kitteh, thanks for another great link to writing about sobriety! In the early days, I think I read every book and essay about sobriety, and there's a lot more out there now. Not everything resonates but there's usually something to connect to in each piece.
posted by punchtothehead at 10:35 AM on July 12 [36 favorites]
There is also the boredom of drinking - you end up at the same place most of the time, and while the path might change, the stations are the same. I traded that for the boredom of not-drinking, which I much prefer. Alcohol made me complacent, able to cope with hard things I felt were unchangeable, but really, it was just self-sabotage. Not drinking has made those hard things unbearable so I started doing the work to get rid of them. It turns out the problem was not that I couldn't cope with my shitty job or my fears of the future, it's that I needed to get a better job! And a future that I felt better about!
So - alcohol made the pain bearable but it turns out that pain is a signal - a symptom but not the disease itself. I got so used to ignoring myself and my needs because I could just have a drink and not have to think about it or work to change things.
Sobriety, therapy, and medication were three giant shifts I made to my life. I wish I'd pursued them in that order, instead of the reverse, because therapy and medication didn't really have a chance of working for me when I was still drinking. Also my mental help diagnosis was wrong because the drinking covered up half of my symptoms, which uhhhh made things a bit harder than they needed to be.
Kitteh, thanks for another great link to writing about sobriety! In the early days, I think I read every book and essay about sobriety, and there's a lot more out there now. Not everything resonates but there's usually something to connect to in each piece.
posted by punchtothehead at 10:35 AM on July 12 [36 favorites]
It's interesting to read about other people's experiences with sobriety. Since I'm brewing adjacent and a hobbyist brewer, I've known a lot of people who've made that transition and the various stripes of experiences is fascinating. I've known people who've embraced their programs as a medical/wellness effort. Others with the radical fervency of an addict chasing a hit. The ones who look at it like a hangdog Catholic contemplating their sins. And of course those who blossom like a sunflower finally clear of all the toxicity in their lives.
Its been a good thing for them with shades of ok, except I'll never quite understand the angry sober people who just seem bound and determine to make you feel both how pissed off and superior they are now that they're sober.
posted by drewbage1847 at 10:44 AM on July 12
Its been a good thing for them with shades of ok, except I'll never quite understand the angry sober people who just seem bound and determine to make you feel both how pissed off and superior they are now that they're sober.
posted by drewbage1847 at 10:44 AM on July 12
. I wish I'd pursued them in that order, instead of the reverse, because therapy and medication didn't really have a chance of working for me when I was still drinking.
Ha ha, same! Medication and therapy don't do shit if you are still drinking A LOT (and yes you know your excess drinking has to do with your anxiety disorder, depression, abandonment issues etc but self-medication, baby!).
I don't get tired of alcohol recovery narratives because, for me, they remind me that I am not alone. I struggle some days, but most days I am okay. It reminds me that while the culture in which I live in tells me that alcohol is imperative to good times and memories, my story is not. It can't be. It tried and I nearly lost everything while trying to make that promise match up to reality.
posted by Kitteh at 11:02 AM on July 12 [12 favorites]
Ha ha, same! Medication and therapy don't do shit if you are still drinking A LOT (and yes you know your excess drinking has to do with your anxiety disorder, depression, abandonment issues etc but self-medication, baby!).
I don't get tired of alcohol recovery narratives because, for me, they remind me that I am not alone. I struggle some days, but most days I am okay. It reminds me that while the culture in which I live in tells me that alcohol is imperative to good times and memories, my story is not. It can't be. It tried and I nearly lost everything while trying to make that promise match up to reality.
posted by Kitteh at 11:02 AM on July 12 [12 favorites]
Yes!! This does feel lonely sometimes. My social life really changed; some people didn't want a non-drinking person around them and some people I just outgrew. I get invited to to work happy hours but leave early, and I'm never invited to the secret second happy hour that happens after the first one.
And there's the more subtle stuff; you don't really realize until you don't drink how often people reference it. Alcohol is a common touchstone in American culture, in a time when we don't have many, and I've opted out of that.
I try so hard to be a "cool" non-drinker, though, for fear of being perceived as "pissed off and superior" (no shade at you, drewbage; it's a pretty common stereotype, probably because most people who don't drink are either surrounded by other non-drinkers or keep quiet about it, so the preachy types dominate the image.) I don't want people to feel like they can't drink around me, or that I'm watching them, or that I feel superior to them. Really, it's the reverse - I wish I could be like them and drink in moderation, but I'm not, so I don't.
posted by punchtothehead at 11:29 AM on July 12 [4 favorites]
And there's the more subtle stuff; you don't really realize until you don't drink how often people reference it. Alcohol is a common touchstone in American culture, in a time when we don't have many, and I've opted out of that.
I try so hard to be a "cool" non-drinker, though, for fear of being perceived as "pissed off and superior" (no shade at you, drewbage; it's a pretty common stereotype, probably because most people who don't drink are either surrounded by other non-drinkers or keep quiet about it, so the preachy types dominate the image.) I don't want people to feel like they can't drink around me, or that I'm watching them, or that I feel superior to them. Really, it's the reverse - I wish I could be like them and drink in moderation, but I'm not, so I don't.
posted by punchtothehead at 11:29 AM on July 12 [4 favorites]
Oh, this thread is for me. Can’t say much right now but the idea that alcohol was numbing my pain response to things that needed fixing reads as incredibly true.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:30 AM on July 12 [6 favorites]
posted by Navelgazer at 11:30 AM on July 12 [6 favorites]
For me my alcoholism was preventing me from the full expression of myself; things I like to do, things I enjoy, things I look forward to learning etc. Towards the end of my drinking, I was living a lonely existence. The time and money I got back into my life by getting sober is allowing me to live life fully. Which includes continuing to do things I did when I was still drinking, just without alcohol as a part of it.
I don't feel that my life in AA is ascetic in the least. I take the "happy, joyous and free" and "we are not a glum lot" part of the AA very seriously. What is the point of being sober if I am still a miserable SOB?
One thing I added recently to my outlook is to say 'yes' to more stuff. I live alone and my first reaction when someone offers a new experience/outing/gettogether is to say NO. I have started saying YES more often.
posted by indianbadger1 at 11:33 AM on July 12 [10 favorites]
I don't feel that my life in AA is ascetic in the least. I take the "happy, joyous and free" and "we are not a glum lot" part of the AA very seriously. What is the point of being sober if I am still a miserable SOB?
One thing I added recently to my outlook is to say 'yes' to more stuff. I live alone and my first reaction when someone offers a new experience/outing/gettogether is to say NO. I have started saying YES more often.
posted by indianbadger1 at 11:33 AM on July 12 [10 favorites]
Since Covid booze usually just results in a terrible crash. Not the dizzy pounding hangover, these extinguish, a head that feels too small for a burning brain. Maybe it’s better now, I’m unwilling to wipe out three days to find out.
posted by zenon at 11:42 AM on July 12 [1 favorite]
posted by zenon at 11:42 AM on July 12 [1 favorite]
The time and money I got back into my life by getting sober is allowing me to live life fully.
Oh geez yeah. Do you know how many hours you have before noon if you wake up at five every day? Seven! Seven whole hours! Add that to the time spent drinking and I easily have about 15 more hours a week than I did before. I spend some of that time doom scrolling and rewatching things on Netflix, but the majority I devote to old and new hobbies and people. This is a much fuller, much happier life, a much easier one. I'm glad to hear that you've had the same experience.
posted by punchtothehead at 11:46 AM on July 12 [3 favorites]
Oh geez yeah. Do you know how many hours you have before noon if you wake up at five every day? Seven! Seven whole hours! Add that to the time spent drinking and I easily have about 15 more hours a week than I did before. I spend some of that time doom scrolling and rewatching things on Netflix, but the majority I devote to old and new hobbies and people. This is a much fuller, much happier life, a much easier one. I'm glad to hear that you've had the same experience.
posted by punchtothehead at 11:46 AM on July 12 [3 favorites]
punchtothehead - no shade perceived. Everyone I've known in recovery works hard at it and gets nothing but love and support from me in whatever form they desire. I threw a non-alcoholic beer tasting for a friend who went from being a brewer to sober because he wanted to hang out with everyone in the brewing club. (Thankfully NA beer has gotten leaps better) Only one dickhead groused about it and he got shutdown quick by everyone who was happy to see our friend again and talk about his new self-recorded black metal album.
So yeah, it's the loudmouths who ruin it for everyone in almost every field of human endeavour.
One of the coolest, creative and empathetic leaders I ever worked with became sober a few years back (which he needed to do), but almost instantly he became a super aggressive, angry and judgemental prick who's about a half step off of being a Q-nut being fully judgemental of DEI efforts, TERFish, Muskite, Trumpist in it for the trolls sort of guy. Could have bowled me over with a feather to see that transition. (Unshockingly, all of the angry sober people I know have become uber conservative dudes)
But let's face it, the worse type of person around the whole alcohol/drug discussion is the asshole who tries to fuck with someone's sobriety. They're a much worse version of the idiotic carnivore response to vegetarians/vegans - and I suspect there's some of the same "I feel like you're judging me from a position of moral superiority but really it's me who feels bad that someone else can be 'better' than me by not drinking/eating meat" energy to it.
posted by drewbage1847 at 11:50 AM on July 12 [9 favorites]
So yeah, it's the loudmouths who ruin it for everyone in almost every field of human endeavour.
One of the coolest, creative and empathetic leaders I ever worked with became sober a few years back (which he needed to do), but almost instantly he became a super aggressive, angry and judgemental prick who's about a half step off of being a Q-nut being fully judgemental of DEI efforts, TERFish, Muskite, Trumpist in it for the trolls sort of guy. Could have bowled me over with a feather to see that transition. (Unshockingly, all of the angry sober people I know have become uber conservative dudes)
But let's face it, the worse type of person around the whole alcohol/drug discussion is the asshole who tries to fuck with someone's sobriety. They're a much worse version of the idiotic carnivore response to vegetarians/vegans - and I suspect there's some of the same "I feel like you're judging me from a position of moral superiority but really it's me who feels bad that someone else can be 'better' than me by not drinking/eating meat" energy to it.
posted by drewbage1847 at 11:50 AM on July 12 [9 favorites]
And there's the more subtle stuff; you don't really realize until you don't drink how often people reference it. Alcohol is a common touchstone in American culture, in a time when we don't have many, and I've opted out of that.
Alcohol adverts really stand out to sober folks. Passing sandwich board signs about "$4 dollar Mimosa Mondays!" or jokes about how alcohol makes life bearable, etc. I am not asking for the banning of these signs but it really does highlight about much alcohol plays a role in, well, nearly every aspect of social culture.
It's been interesting to see how a lot of my friends have reduced or quit drinking altogether as they've gotten older; no one wants to feel like shit the next day anymore, even if you only have one or two.
posted by Kitteh at 12:33 PM on July 12 [5 favorites]
Alcohol adverts really stand out to sober folks. Passing sandwich board signs about "$4 dollar Mimosa Mondays!" or jokes about how alcohol makes life bearable, etc. I am not asking for the banning of these signs but it really does highlight about much alcohol plays a role in, well, nearly every aspect of social culture.
It's been interesting to see how a lot of my friends have reduced or quit drinking altogether as they've gotten older; no one wants to feel like shit the next day anymore, even if you only have one or two.
posted by Kitteh at 12:33 PM on July 12 [5 favorites]
what's darkly funny for me is that i feel i'm missing out on part of sobriety in that i don't seem to experience much, if any, upside? everyone else i know who's cut out drinking talks about how they lose weight, sleep better, feel better, etc. i've cut out drinking in the past and it just... didn't change anything noticeable? even after weeks and weeks of sobriety. I'll nth the comments though that here in north america it is seen as such a generic cultural hub that when you're not engaging in it, you do have to go out of your way to come up with other ways to socialize, or to be in drinking spaces.
posted by LegallyBread at 1:01 PM on July 12 [6 favorites]
posted by LegallyBread at 1:01 PM on July 12 [6 favorites]
what's darkly funny for me is that i feel i'm missing out on part of sobriety in that i don't seem to experience much, if any, upside? everyone else i know who's cut out drinking talks about how they lose weight, sleep better, feel better, etc.
You are not alone on this! Over the years I've done various dry stretches for one reason or another and always look forward to the wild improvement in my QOL but it never happens! I mean sure, if I'm not drinking I do not specifically have a hangover from alcohol, but in one's 40s there are a thousand ways to give yourself a shitty morning without booze being involved.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:22 PM on July 12 [6 favorites]
You are not alone on this! Over the years I've done various dry stretches for one reason or another and always look forward to the wild improvement in my QOL but it never happens! I mean sure, if I'm not drinking I do not specifically have a hangover from alcohol, but in one's 40s there are a thousand ways to give yourself a shitty morning without booze being involved.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:22 PM on July 12 [6 favorites]
Thanks for the post! I'm 6+ years sober and I appreciate hearing people talk about their experiences. Sobriety is an act of independence. You alone carry the weight. For me it opened a path of understanding my potential. I could do this really, really hard thing. It took a while for my brain to settle back into clear, healthy thinking. There was nothing I could do to speed up this healing process. It was frustrating and humbling.
I saw a documentary on Channel 4, maybe Drinking Ourselves to Death?, that utilized this wonderful imagery when it came to drinking. Think of a camera aperture. There is only so much space in the shot. Alcoholics lives are like a photographer slowly closing the aperture. Friends are quickly out of the photo followed by workmates, neighbors and ultimately family. At that point, just the alcoholic an the bottle are in the frame. There is room for nothing else. The end result is desolation and addiction. Tragic.
I believe that each recovery is singular as is each method to achieve recovery. And that's great. It makes it more difficult to explain to people that "this might work" as a convincing argument but you can cobble together what works for you.
posted by zerobyproxy at 1:42 PM on July 12 [7 favorites]
I saw a documentary on Channel 4, maybe Drinking Ourselves to Death?, that utilized this wonderful imagery when it came to drinking. Think of a camera aperture. There is only so much space in the shot. Alcoholics lives are like a photographer slowly closing the aperture. Friends are quickly out of the photo followed by workmates, neighbors and ultimately family. At that point, just the alcoholic an the bottle are in the frame. There is room for nothing else. The end result is desolation and addiction. Tragic.
I believe that each recovery is singular as is each method to achieve recovery. And that's great. It makes it more difficult to explain to people that "this might work" as a convincing argument but you can cobble together what works for you.
posted by zerobyproxy at 1:42 PM on July 12 [7 favorites]
🥉 year coin in August and I don't miss it, the cost, the health, the inchoate monologues....
posted by clavdivs at 2:02 PM on July 12 [13 favorites]
posted by clavdivs at 2:02 PM on July 12 [13 favorites]
Three years coming up for me in October (no coins, tho). Wish I’d done it sooner, but I think that’s part of the whole deal (that it takes a while before you decide it’s a problem you have to solve).
posted by notyou at 2:30 PM on July 12 [3 favorites]
posted by notyou at 2:30 PM on July 12 [3 favorites]
I’ve really appreciated your posts, Kitteh! Coming up on five months now, it hasn’t always been easy but it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I have my brain and time back.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 2:43 PM on July 12 [3 favorites]
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 2:43 PM on July 12 [3 favorites]
King's frank talk about wanting to keep the wildness of sex resonates with me as a recovering meth addict. I had craved wild sex pre-meth, but only had absolutely unhinged sex while on it. I feel like I have a good idea now of where the line between the two is, which is a key part of finding my way back to the wild side without long sojourns in Borington or straying into Unhinged Village.
posted by infinitewindow at 3:08 PM on July 12
posted by infinitewindow at 3:08 PM on July 12
Rax King and I are alums of the same tiny college, along with Jennifer Wright and Lydia Polgreen (and unfortunately Tim Carney). Always cool to see her work out in the world being appreciated. And always cool to see her being authentically herself. Thanks for the post.
posted by hydropsyche at 4:17 PM on July 12 [1 favorite]
posted by hydropsyche at 4:17 PM on July 12 [1 favorite]
It turns out what I really wanted was to feel it and remember it, not to give up the wildness of it.Yup. I didn't give up anything when I stopped drinking. Drinking was boring. I was boring.
Oh, I did flamboyant things; I was the kind of person who got rightfully blamed for everything bad that happened, but I wasn't actually there for a lot of that. I was out to lunch. I was elsewhere. I was moving as fast as I can to make sure no one could see me.
A former boyfriend recently told me he went to a reunion of the college radio station he worked at, and people at the reunion were sharing their memories of me. I didn't even go to that college, it has been fifty years since I stopped drinking, and they still remember me. Well, I don't remember them. I was too worried someone would figure out what a failure I was to notice anyone else.
As a sober person I'm as unusual and accomplished, as greedy and impatient, as impulsive and original, as I ever wanted to be when I drank. I've gotten to do all the things I dreamed of doing. ALL of them. Well, not the winning-the-lottery one, but everything else.
I'm one heck of a lot more entertaining to myself than I ever was drinking. The only thing getting in my way these days is how hard it is to pick up something from the ground when I drop it.
posted by Peach at 5:21 PM on July 12 [3 favorites]
I've been sober a really long time. Long enough to know the truth that you don't magically become a better person. You have to work on that if that's your goal.
I know some sober folks who's only friends are other sober folks and that can be a great way to live. It's not what I've chosen. I know a fair amount of regular folk who don't have a drinking and drug problem and some that do. I guess I like life's rich pageant, though I can do without the intentionally horrible people out there.
Sobriety is a spectrum, like a lot of things in this world. I've done a lot of great things sober, and some not so great things. I try to keep honest about who I am, and live in a way that reflects what I believe. I make mistakes and have regrets about things I've done sober. I'd love to tell you that I'm some kind of goddamned saint but that's not the truth.
I'm not an adrenaline junkie though and a lot of the things I love are small quiet things. Why the fuck not, I'm 66, I like what I like. So, there you are. I've never jumped out of a plane, run with the bulls, or played russian roullette. They're not things I care about and I just don't worry much about other people's opinions.
posted by evilDoug at 6:36 PM on July 12 [4 favorites]
I know some sober folks who's only friends are other sober folks and that can be a great way to live. It's not what I've chosen. I know a fair amount of regular folk who don't have a drinking and drug problem and some that do. I guess I like life's rich pageant, though I can do without the intentionally horrible people out there.
Sobriety is a spectrum, like a lot of things in this world. I've done a lot of great things sober, and some not so great things. I try to keep honest about who I am, and live in a way that reflects what I believe. I make mistakes and have regrets about things I've done sober. I'd love to tell you that I'm some kind of goddamned saint but that's not the truth.
I'm not an adrenaline junkie though and a lot of the things I love are small quiet things. Why the fuck not, I'm 66, I like what I like. So, there you are. I've never jumped out of a plane, run with the bulls, or played russian roullette. They're not things I care about and I just don't worry much about other people's opinions.
posted by evilDoug at 6:36 PM on July 12 [4 favorites]
Six plus years sober here. Congrats to everyone who is maintaining sobriety and to those who are considering it-- that's a huge step. I always say sobriety is my super power, cause it's given me so much space to find out what's really important to me and to work on keeping it, maintaining and growing it and getting it. And yes, therapy and medication for me were necessary and vital. I show up for myself and others, imperfectly, but I'm there and that matters, I've learned.
posted by rene_billingsworth at 6:47 PM on July 12 [4 favorites]
posted by rene_billingsworth at 6:47 PM on July 12 [4 favorites]
I don’t drink. I never have. The reason for that is that I grew up with two alcoholic parents, one of which had two alcoholic parents. Mom finally kicked it and she was a new person. It was great. Dad kicked it for a few years after spending a year in a group home and… well, it turns out that he wasn’t a much better person sober, he just wasn’t drinking. He eventually relapsed. And got sober again. And then relapsed for good. When he died the nurse at the ER he was taken to started saying “I’m so sorry” and my sister stopped her, saying “it’s ok, it’s over.” She put it into words that I couldn’t even though that’s what I was feeling. No more phone calls from strangers, from landlords, no more cleaning up his messes. It really was a relief. So, needless to say, I have very good reasons for not drinking. It does not necessarily make me a better person, but I can pretty much guarantee that drinking would make me a worse person, and from an early age I was determined that I would not put others through what my parents put us through. My wife drinks sometimes, a beer or two or a rum and coke or two, but it’s not often and she knows that if it were to become problematic I’d let her know in no uncertain terms. It’s becoming clearer to her as time goes on just how bad things were in the past for my family.
And I don’t say this at all to dunk on anyone. Not one single bit. We all get to where we get in life on our different paths. Even as someone who has never drank, I see the pressure in so many places in life to do so. I’ve had people who were shocked when I told them I don’t drink. There was no alcohol at our reception and a couple of people were really upset about that. We have a company conference every year and the alcohol flows very freely. One of my co-workers at another branch has become a very dear friend, and we hang out at conference together a lot because neither of us drink and we’re plenty content to escape the party at night. I’ve seen so many people who can’t have a good time without alcohol involved. Three of my siblings got hooked on drinking; two of them managed to get and stay sober, one of them still carries his AA keychain at all times. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’d love to explore the craft beer scene, all of the different brews look like they’d be fun to try (funny thing, when my wife gets a beer she hasn’t tried before I’ll take a sniff and tell her if she’s going to like it or not, and I’m almost always right with my guesses.) I’d love to be able to feel a nice buzz on occasion. But I know there’s a monster inside me that could easily get out of its cage. Not drinking means I do a lot of my recreational activities alone. The world isn’t always friendly to sober people.
To all of you who have been able to get sober, you have my absolute respect. Having seen people in my life try to stop drinking, I’ve seen firsthand that holy shit, it’s hard for a lot of people. Really hard. (Watching someone go through alcohol withdrawals is as close to seeing actual demonic possession as you can get. It’s fucking scary to see.) And it’s not “ok I’m sober now, all fixed!” It’s often a battle and I really respect those who are fighting it.
posted by azpenguin at 10:29 PM on July 12 [1 favorite]
And I don’t say this at all to dunk on anyone. Not one single bit. We all get to where we get in life on our different paths. Even as someone who has never drank, I see the pressure in so many places in life to do so. I’ve had people who were shocked when I told them I don’t drink. There was no alcohol at our reception and a couple of people were really upset about that. We have a company conference every year and the alcohol flows very freely. One of my co-workers at another branch has become a very dear friend, and we hang out at conference together a lot because neither of us drink and we’re plenty content to escape the party at night. I’ve seen so many people who can’t have a good time without alcohol involved. Three of my siblings got hooked on drinking; two of them managed to get and stay sober, one of them still carries his AA keychain at all times. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’d love to explore the craft beer scene, all of the different brews look like they’d be fun to try (funny thing, when my wife gets a beer she hasn’t tried before I’ll take a sniff and tell her if she’s going to like it or not, and I’m almost always right with my guesses.) I’d love to be able to feel a nice buzz on occasion. But I know there’s a monster inside me that could easily get out of its cage. Not drinking means I do a lot of my recreational activities alone. The world isn’t always friendly to sober people.
To all of you who have been able to get sober, you have my absolute respect. Having seen people in my life try to stop drinking, I’ve seen firsthand that holy shit, it’s hard for a lot of people. Really hard. (Watching someone go through alcohol withdrawals is as close to seeing actual demonic possession as you can get. It’s fucking scary to see.) And it’s not “ok I’m sober now, all fixed!” It’s often a battle and I really respect those who are fighting it.
posted by azpenguin at 10:29 PM on July 12 [1 favorite]
To the concept of "when i quit drinking, i didn't notice any big difference" I really have to reply, well, then you weren't really doing the kind of drinking we're talking about.
One of the biggest things i've realized, 5 years into sobriety, after like a decade of really drinking... is that most people aren't really drinking in a way that really truly fucks their lives up. I honestly think that even most people who get DUIs, or have one or two big scares aren't. The type of drinking being described in this piece is basically a war, versus something like, i don't know, living in a sketchy neighborhood where there's an occasional shooting or dirty shit going down.
It can be a cold war, a hot war, a protracted quagmire, but it's a war.
I think people talk a lot about losing weight and sleeping better and stuff is that the real big stuff isn't small talk, casual conversation. It's make the situation awkward conversation. The biggest change me, and a lot of my close friends on various sobriety journeys have noticed is like the lack of drama.
And like, i think this piece does a good job of describing that drama. I think that drunkalogues get at something more real than the small talk cute anecdotes despite being written off as hunter s thompson esque glamorization. I can't speak for the author, or really anyone else, but when i tell my own tales like this the jokey/grandiose tone is often to cover up the shame and abject horror. Not that there's zero fond memories, more that they're just a slurry of good, bad, and weird.
Most people get sober because they're tired of the mess, or even got scared. A lot of people don't hit rock bottom, but then it's really hard to talk about without "haha yea i'm sleeping a lot better"
People really, really do not do well with alienating conversations. Even if you're friends. It's hard to talk about active addiction or sobriety without "making it weird". There isn't a good framework, and AA bullshit kind of tries to placate people on the outsides feelings with this as well by discouraging well, being real, to a degree.
The real answer is a lot of people who are frequent casual users of things are not uppercase a Addicts. There's seriously some fucking weird thing going on in your mind that just makes you sink a layer further into the mess of it all. I could go on about my thoughts on how and why that happens, but that's a whole other rant.
posted by emptythought at 12:47 AM on July 13 [3 favorites]
One of the biggest things i've realized, 5 years into sobriety, after like a decade of really drinking... is that most people aren't really drinking in a way that really truly fucks their lives up. I honestly think that even most people who get DUIs, or have one or two big scares aren't. The type of drinking being described in this piece is basically a war, versus something like, i don't know, living in a sketchy neighborhood where there's an occasional shooting or dirty shit going down.
It can be a cold war, a hot war, a protracted quagmire, but it's a war.
I think people talk a lot about losing weight and sleeping better and stuff is that the real big stuff isn't small talk, casual conversation. It's make the situation awkward conversation. The biggest change me, and a lot of my close friends on various sobriety journeys have noticed is like the lack of drama.
And like, i think this piece does a good job of describing that drama. I think that drunkalogues get at something more real than the small talk cute anecdotes despite being written off as hunter s thompson esque glamorization. I can't speak for the author, or really anyone else, but when i tell my own tales like this the jokey/grandiose tone is often to cover up the shame and abject horror. Not that there's zero fond memories, more that they're just a slurry of good, bad, and weird.
Most people get sober because they're tired of the mess, or even got scared. A lot of people don't hit rock bottom, but then it's really hard to talk about without "haha yea i'm sleeping a lot better"
People really, really do not do well with alienating conversations. Even if you're friends. It's hard to talk about active addiction or sobriety without "making it weird". There isn't a good framework, and AA bullshit kind of tries to placate people on the outsides feelings with this as well by discouraging well, being real, to a degree.
The real answer is a lot of people who are frequent casual users of things are not uppercase a Addicts. There's seriously some fucking weird thing going on in your mind that just makes you sink a layer further into the mess of it all. I could go on about my thoughts on how and why that happens, but that's a whole other rant.
posted by emptythought at 12:47 AM on July 13 [3 favorites]
I'm sober in 12 step 22+ years, and finally worked the Steps formally last year in another fellowship. Thank you God I finally worked them.
Most of the world's spiritual traditions teach that learning to resist ALL sudden impulses, or at least evaluate them for soundness before you follow them, is good for the soul. That means not just putting down the drink, but then learning to say "no" when the inevitable destructive urges to overeat, overspend, smoke, plan obsessively, worry, WHATEVER come up. You don't have to find a substitute for them. You simply interrupt them in your mind, and continue with whatever constructive activity you were doing.
Oh, that wasn't me, not for years. I overate, overspent, overplanned, and blamed the world for my problems for more than two decades, SOBER as a judge. I needed to work the Steps, and I also needed to learn to treat 95% of my whims like the barking and sad looks of a very smart dog who constantly wants to steal the steak off the counter. Doggo needs to be put in its crate and stay there, for the most part.
Right now I have a lot of financial anxiety that my mind wants to ruminate on. Every time the impulse to obsess about it comes up, I say, "Praise be to God." It helps, even if I have to say it dozens of times a day (and I do).
I don't take any meds, haven't since I got sober, and I'm here to say that many of us don't need to. Therapy was of minimal help to me; in fact, it didn't help me face my own character defects at all.
What definitively helped: becoming a Muslim, first and foremost, and secondarily, working the Steps as laid out in the Big Book. The bounty of Muslim literature on the purification of the soul has been invaluable, as has, truly, all of my Muslim practice. (If you're interested: start with the short version of Imam al-Ghazzali's Ilya 'ulum ad-Din: orange cover, Mecca Books.)
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 2:31 AM on July 13 [2 favorites]
Most of the world's spiritual traditions teach that learning to resist ALL sudden impulses, or at least evaluate them for soundness before you follow them, is good for the soul. That means not just putting down the drink, but then learning to say "no" when the inevitable destructive urges to overeat, overspend, smoke, plan obsessively, worry, WHATEVER come up. You don't have to find a substitute for them. You simply interrupt them in your mind, and continue with whatever constructive activity you were doing.
Oh, that wasn't me, not for years. I overate, overspent, overplanned, and blamed the world for my problems for more than two decades, SOBER as a judge. I needed to work the Steps, and I also needed to learn to treat 95% of my whims like the barking and sad looks of a very smart dog who constantly wants to steal the steak off the counter. Doggo needs to be put in its crate and stay there, for the most part.
Right now I have a lot of financial anxiety that my mind wants to ruminate on. Every time the impulse to obsess about it comes up, I say, "Praise be to God." It helps, even if I have to say it dozens of times a day (and I do).
I don't take any meds, haven't since I got sober, and I'm here to say that many of us don't need to. Therapy was of minimal help to me; in fact, it didn't help me face my own character defects at all.
What definitively helped: becoming a Muslim, first and foremost, and secondarily, working the Steps as laid out in the Big Book. The bounty of Muslim literature on the purification of the soul has been invaluable, as has, truly, all of my Muslim practice. (If you're interested: start with the short version of Imam al-Ghazzali's Ilya 'ulum ad-Din: orange cover, Mecca Books.)
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 2:31 AM on July 13 [2 favorites]
I stopped drinking alcohol early last year. But now I can achieve a state of numb disassociation just by following the news.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 7:56 AM on July 14 [2 favorites]
posted by paper chromatographologist at 7:56 AM on July 14 [2 favorites]
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I get it. It took me longer, probably four years without a drink before I realized that I wasn't going to magically stop craving excitement if I just became good enough, and I had better figure out how to get fun the smart way or I was going to go back to getting it the dumb way. Progress on this front has been slow but steady since.
posted by teh_boy at 10:11 AM on July 12 [14 favorites]