Almost stealing a Gutenberg Bible wasn’t even his greatest trick

August 17, 2024 12:34 PM

Dr Infinity could blow his own bugle, kiss his clarinet, and honk his own horn. In short, he could blow himself. Who was Dr Infinity? Where did he come from, and where did he go? What kind of person would do this? And why? … He took this self fellatio very seriously, like a lifestyle choice. He had a whole theory about infinity and recycling the life force, and how if men did this, it would make them better people. from Who was Dr Infinity? The Curious Story of Adult Film’s First Autofellator [The Rialto Report; NSFW] [ETA: Content Warning, child sexual abuse]
posted by chavenet (22 comments total)

Obviously he came from Nantucket.
posted by ocschwar at 12:38 PM on August 17, 2024 [13 favorites]

You mean the guy who kept all his cash in a bucket?

Then his daughter named Nan
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket...Nan tuck'it
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:47 PM on August 17, 2024 [3 favorites]

What was it I read once? "Auto-fellatio would probably be, as an experience, more giving a blow job than receiving one." Perhaps Dr Infinity has some insight.
posted by maxwelton at 1:42 PM on August 17, 2024 [4 favorites]

The story I tell about our Gutenberg Bible getting stolen just got a lot more interesting, although I’ll probably have to be selective about the audience.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 1:49 PM on August 17, 2024 [7 favorites]

I'd make a joke about the possibilities of multiple personalities but I'm not sure if that is even a thing. On second thought this sounds like Scalzi's failure mode...
posted by aleph at 2:11 PM on August 17, 2024 [1 favorite]

So ...Autofellator is not a tyre shop in Turin, N.Y.

can you plug a tyre
can I use your air hose
how about an oil change

posted by clavdivs at 3:27 PM on August 17, 2024 [6 favorites]

"Dan the Autofellator" produced by Dan the Automator, featuring Kool Keith
posted by credulous at 3:49 PM on August 17, 2024 [8 favorites]

I got a guy who called and said “Do you need anybody who can blow himself?” I said “Sure, come on down.” So this guy came up and started blowing himself. He called himself Dr Infinity. We sent him away”.

Something about the brevity of this description makes it very, very funny to me.
posted by Saxon Kane at 4:09 PM on August 17, 2024 [15 favorites]

They used to hang library thieves...

😐

...little did they know that he was already hung.

😎

YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:28 PM on August 17, 2024 [6 favorites]

Still a job.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 5:44 PM on August 17, 2024 [3 favorites]

introduced as ‘Joe Blow’.
posted by doctornemo at 5:53 PM on August 17, 2024 [2 favorites]

Nathan: Hey, hey! Listen, I actually would like to get serious for a moment, okay? If I could?
Charles: Very well.
Nathan: I uhh...I think it would be in the band's best interests to hire a uh...Buddhist Yoga...instructor guy dude.
Pickles: Ohhh yeah. Yes I second that.
Charles: Uhh, oh really? What because uh...you guys are interested in yoga? Spiritual guidance or-
Skwisgaar: No, because we-
Nathan: YES! YES! We want spiritual things.
Charles: Is that really the reason?
Nathan: Yup. Right guys?
Murderface: I thought we... OHHHHHHH....Right!"
Skwisgaar: Yeaaaah...
Charles: I'm sorry, I don't understand. Why do you need this?
Nathan: We'd like to be able to reach things a little bit better.
Murderface: Right.
Charles: To reach things?
Murderface: Yeah reach...things.
Charles: To reach things.
Nathan: Yup. Conversation over.
posted by doctornemo at 6:08 PM on August 17, 2024 [9 favorites]

GFY
posted by The otter lady at 6:16 PM on August 17, 2024 [3 favorites]

"I waited three long years for this."
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 7:24 PM on August 17, 2024 [3 favorites]

...
...
...Judge Feloney?!
posted by mittens at 7:58 PM on August 17, 2024 [5 favorites]

TE Lawrence wrote about something like this in his journal, The Mint, about his RAF days.
posted by emf at 9:24 PM on August 17, 2024 [2 favorites]

There once was man called O'Nan,
Who said --

Hang on, I've arrived at the "short-lived nanny job, where he abused a 5-year-old Sean Lennon" portion of this picaresque (beneath the photo of John, Yoko, and, inexplicably, Julian).

G'night.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:58 PM on August 17, 2024 [2 favorites]

I'd make a joke about the possibilities of multiple personalities but I'm not sure if that is even a thing.

Schizophrenia is not multiple personality, but schizophrenics do have the ability to tickle themselves:

However, research has now stumbled upon a remarkable feature of schizophrenia showing that, unlike the rest of us, schizophrenics actually have the capacity to tickle themselves! It has been suggested that this phenomenon may be a caused by neurological changes in the schizophrenic brain which disable the patient’s ability to detect self-initiated actions. It is possible that biochemical or structural changes in the brain cause a malfunction in the predictive system of the cerebellum. This results in a miscommunication of information concerning internally- vs. externally-generated actions. Essentially this means that, although the patient is able to process the intent to move and is aware the movement has occurred, they cannot then link the resulting sensation (the tickle) with their internal knowledge of making the movement. It is therefore possible that this deficit in self-awareness or monitoring could result in thoughts or actions becoming isolated from the internal appreciation that they are producing them. Consequently, schizophrenic patients may misinterpret internally-generated thoughts and movements as external changes in the environment. ...

So they indeed might get more out of it than the average male, but probably only if they’re into having sex with another male in the first place.
posted by jamjam at 12:06 AM on August 18, 2024 [2 favorites]

Mod note: I've added a content warning per Iris Gambol's note above.
posted by taz (staff) at 12:10 AM on August 18, 2024 [3 favorites]

Obligatory Clerks scene
posted by TedW at 5:06 AM on August 18, 2024 [4 favorites]

Some of his quotes sound like something you'd hear from a lifestyle guru, e.g. "I am psychologically contained and don’t need other people. I am a romantic and have found the ultimate love – myself.”
posted by tommasz at 9:42 AM on August 18, 2024 [1 favorite]

He wouldn't be the only person to claim that learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:04 AM on August 18, 2024 [4 favorites]