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November 22, 2024 10:53 AM Subscribe
Baby Evacuation Aprons. You need to "grab your vest and just stuff as many babies as humanly possible in its giant kangaroo pockets before running out the door." (Hat tip: Scopeofwork.net)
Fun fact, they also make rolling cribs specifically for emergency evacuation of daycares. You just pile them in there and wheel it out, like a book truck for toddlers.
posted by blnkfrnk at 11:03 AM on November 22 [10 favorites]
posted by blnkfrnk at 11:03 AM on November 22 [10 favorites]
I was primed to become all judgmental along the lines of "maybe it's not such a great idea to have more babies than you can carry?" before I comprehended that the product was designed for maternity wards and such. It's still kind of both cute and horrifying at the same time (to think of a mass of babies in mortal jeopardy and also a semi-whimsical means of transporting them.)
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 11:09 AM on November 22 [7 favorites]
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 11:09 AM on November 22 [7 favorites]
Part of me is like "I hope they drill with sacks of flour or something" because I would imagine the babies are NOT HAPPY about being in the apron and we'd want to minimize that, but it's important to make sure the caregivers are able to handle the uneven weight on the fire escape.
Drills with toddlers rolling in the crib are at least a super fun special ride for the toddlers where they maybe get to see the fire truck at the end.
posted by blnkfrnk at 11:14 AM on November 22 [8 favorites]
Drills with toddlers rolling in the crib are at least a super fun special ride for the toddlers where they maybe get to see the fire truck at the end.
posted by blnkfrnk at 11:14 AM on November 22 [8 favorites]
IDEAL SIZE FOR CATVACUATIONS AS WELL
posted by thivaia at 11:15 AM on November 22 [28 favorites]
posted by thivaia at 11:15 AM on November 22 [28 favorites]
Man, this Hard Boiled reboot is going to be off the fucking hook.
oh shut up, you were thinking it too
posted by phooky at 11:21 AM on November 22 [11 favorites]
oh shut up, you were thinking it too
posted by phooky at 11:21 AM on November 22 [11 favorites]
Oh, yes, by all means, try to stuff multiple cats in a sack. Let us know how that works out for you.
posted by phooky at 11:22 AM on November 22 [34 favorites]
posted by phooky at 11:22 AM on November 22 [34 favorites]
The cat one has to be heated and then they'll all just pile on in
posted by aubilenon at 11:26 AM on November 22 [17 favorites]
posted by aubilenon at 11:26 AM on November 22 [17 favorites]
I know this is meant to be a light-hearted post, but my brain immediately went to Gaza thinking about evacuating babies.
posted by briank at 11:26 AM on November 22 [22 favorites]
posted by briank at 11:26 AM on November 22 [22 favorites]
Don’t sleep on the donkey nannies mentioned in the comments!
posted by Kattullus at 11:33 AM on November 22 [7 favorites]
posted by Kattullus at 11:33 AM on November 22 [7 favorites]
I know this is meant to be a light-hearted post
how is an "evacuating babies" notion ever going to be light-hearted?
posted by chavenet at 11:44 AM on November 22 [5 favorites]
how is an "evacuating babies" notion ever going to be light-hearted?
posted by chavenet at 11:44 AM on November 22 [5 favorites]
OK, hear me out: Cool Runnings, but instead of Jamaicans, babies.
posted by PlusDistance at 11:45 AM on November 22 [4 favorites]
posted by PlusDistance at 11:45 AM on November 22 [4 favorites]
Yeah when my kids were babies they had fire drills at daycare often, for obvious reasons, and they'd send us cute pics of the whole class of babies cuddled up in one wheely crib. It was adorable as long as you didn't think too hard about it. The kids thought it was great though.
posted by potrzebie at 11:50 AM on November 22 [6 favorites]
posted by potrzebie at 11:50 AM on November 22 [6 favorites]
how is an "evacuating babies" notion ever going to be light-hearted?
babies have very light hearts on account of their bodies being quite small
posted by allegedly at 11:53 AM on November 22 [55 favorites]
babies have very light hearts on account of their bodies being quite small
posted by allegedly at 11:53 AM on November 22 [55 favorites]
Would it be crazy to wear one of these to my favorite local All-You-Can-Eat buffet? Crazy like a very sated fox!
posted by hairless ape at 11:54 AM on November 22 [4 favorites]
posted by hairless ape at 11:54 AM on November 22 [4 favorites]
Unfortunately, the fascists at Golden Corral are very strict about their "A baby evacuation apron is not a plate" policy.
posted by PlusDistance at 11:57 AM on November 22 [13 favorites]
posted by PlusDistance at 11:57 AM on November 22 [13 favorites]
Fill it with chihuahuas and use it like you'd use a dynamite vest.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:11 PM on November 22 [8 favorites]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:11 PM on November 22 [8 favorites]
Oh, baby, baby
How was I supposed to know
That somethin' wasn't right here?
Oh, baby, baby
I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah
Show me your precise evac plan
Tell me, doc, 'cause I need to know now
Oh, because
My L&D is killin' me (And I)
I must confess, I still believe (Still believe)
When I'm not with you, I lose my mind
Follow the signs
EVACUATE ME BABY ONE MORE TIME
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:20 PM on November 22 [11 favorites]
How was I supposed to know
That somethin' wasn't right here?
Oh, baby, baby
I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah
Show me your precise evac plan
Tell me, doc, 'cause I need to know now
Oh, because
My L&D is killin' me (And I)
I must confess, I still believe (Still believe)
When I'm not with you, I lose my mind
Follow the signs
EVACUATE ME BABY ONE MORE TIME
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:20 PM on November 22 [11 favorites]
One of these would have been a great powerup in Mad Nurse.
posted by egypturnash at 12:21 PM on November 22 [1 favorite]
posted by egypturnash at 12:21 PM on November 22 [1 favorite]
Next Halloween costume, done.
posted by gottabefunky at 12:23 PM on November 22
posted by gottabefunky at 12:23 PM on November 22
They could have benefited from this innovation in The Flash.
posted by stevil at 12:27 PM on November 22 [1 favorite]
posted by stevil at 12:27 PM on November 22 [1 favorite]
This old pedant cannot help hearing “evacuate” as “empty out,” which is its true meaning; “evacuating babies” elicits a very colorful image indeed.
posted by kinnakeet at 1:02 PM on November 22 [7 favorites]
posted by kinnakeet at 1:02 PM on November 22 [7 favorites]
Part of me is like "I hope they drill with sacks of flour or something" because I would imagine the babies are NOT HAPPY about being in the apron and we'd want to minimize that
CONAN! What is good in life?
GRAP ZE BABIES! SEE ZEM STUFFED IN YOUR APRON! UND HEAR THE LAMENTATIONS OF ZE BABIES!
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 1:19 PM on November 22 [10 favorites]
CONAN! What is good in life?
GRAP ZE BABIES! SEE ZEM STUFFED IN YOUR APRON! UND HEAR THE LAMENTATIONS OF ZE BABIES!
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 1:19 PM on November 22 [10 favorites]
The apron is meant for this situation.
All babies in this instance were successfully evacuated, but I bet the hospital staff would have felt glad to have had such an apron so they didn't have to wait for Ottawa fire services to sprint up eight flights of stairs to help them carry the 17 babies from the General’s Neonatal Intensive Care Unit — most weighing less than a kilogram - down those stairs in the dark during the hospital fire. One member of the fire rescue crew calculated that he had gone up or down 155 flights of stairs that night.
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:52 PM on November 22 [3 favorites]
All babies in this instance were successfully evacuated, but I bet the hospital staff would have felt glad to have had such an apron so they didn't have to wait for Ottawa fire services to sprint up eight flights of stairs to help them carry the 17 babies from the General’s Neonatal Intensive Care Unit — most weighing less than a kilogram - down those stairs in the dark during the hospital fire. One member of the fire rescue crew calculated that he had gone up or down 155 flights of stairs that night.
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:52 PM on November 22 [3 favorites]
Someone help I need to email Hideo Kojima about something urgent.
posted by jy4m at 1:52 PM on November 22 [4 favorites]
posted by jy4m at 1:52 PM on November 22 [4 favorites]
Straight up I thought this was a newfangled flash friday game, and was thinking "man indie game designers be weird." And then this turned out to be A REAL THING.
MUCH weirder.
posted by nushustu at 1:53 PM on November 22 [3 favorites]
MUCH weirder.
posted by nushustu at 1:53 PM on November 22 [3 favorites]
"The cat one has to be heated and then they'll all just pile on in"
Well, unless you want/need them to. In which case a heated, comfortable pocket is the exact opposite of what they would want at that precise moment.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 2:24 PM on November 22 [1 favorite]
Well, unless you want/need them to. In which case a heated, comfortable pocket is the exact opposite of what they would want at that precise moment.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 2:24 PM on November 22 [1 favorite]
For cats you just need to staple a bunch of grocery bags together and put a big pair of handles on it, like some sort of recursive meta-bag.
posted by a faded photo of their beloved at 2:26 PM on November 22 [1 favorite]
posted by a faded photo of their beloved at 2:26 PM on November 22 [1 favorite]
Trust me, the cats will be out of the building long before you are and never give your burning ass a thought.
posted by Paul Slade at 3:28 PM on November 22 [5 favorites]
posted by Paul Slade at 3:28 PM on November 22 [5 favorites]
There are lots of parents of multiples on TikTok showing off their babies and toddlers, they need these clever potentially life-saving devices. And, horrifically, families and caregivers and medical workers and every person large enough to carry a baby or two or three in Gaza.
posted by mareli at 3:42 PM on November 22 [1 favorite]
posted by mareli at 3:42 PM on November 22 [1 favorite]
This is gonna be great for carrying all my blintzes.
posted by UltraMorgnus at 3:47 PM on November 22 [2 favorites]
posted by UltraMorgnus at 3:47 PM on November 22 [2 favorites]
For cats you just need to staple a bunch of grocery bags together and put a big pair of handles on it, like some sort of recursive meta-bag.
Just make sure not to put your wand of cancellation in there, or BOOM
posted by Mayor West at 4:30 PM on November 22 [3 favorites]
Just make sure not to put your wand of cancellation in there, or BOOM
posted by Mayor West at 4:30 PM on November 22 [3 favorites]
This is gonna be great for carrying all my blintzes.
i was thinking burritos and now i have a very odd version of baby beluga in my head.
posted by Clowder of bats at 4:38 PM on November 22
i was thinking burritos and now i have a very odd version of baby beluga in my head.
posted by Clowder of bats at 4:38 PM on November 22
To be fair, if you put any baby in or in an apron long enough, it will become a baby evacuation apron.
I was once forced to shop for a baby shower. My friend found me in front of a huge stack of Winnie the Pooh themed baby items. I showed her a “Pooh Receiving Blanket,” and asked “aren’t all baby blankets, in the end, poo receiving blankets?” She said “don’t you start.” I replied “you are the one who forced me to come along.”
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:57 PM on November 22 [11 favorites]
I was once forced to shop for a baby shower. My friend found me in front of a huge stack of Winnie the Pooh themed baby items. I showed her a “Pooh Receiving Blanket,” and asked “aren’t all baby blankets, in the end, poo receiving blankets?” She said “don’t you start.” I replied “you are the one who forced me to come along.”
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:57 PM on November 22 [11 favorites]
It’s generally good practice to wear a protective layer of baby if you find yourself in a conflagration.
posted by dr_dank at 4:59 PM on November 22 [4 favorites]
posted by dr_dank at 4:59 PM on November 22 [4 favorites]
It’s generally good practice to wear a protective layer of baby if you find yourself in a conflagration.
Ablative babies. Ablabies.
posted by notoriety public at 5:50 PM on November 22 [7 favorites]
Ablative babies. Ablabies.
posted by notoriety public at 5:50 PM on November 22 [7 favorites]
It's been a while since I've looked at kottke.org and am glad to see that it's getting exposure; the current most recent article is from Slate, and is The Strange Reason Nearly Every Film Ends by Saying It’s Fiction (You Guessed It: Rasputin!) (I in fact did not guess it.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:29 PM on November 22 [1 favorite]
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:29 PM on November 22 [1 favorite]
Ok, I have an idea, hear me out: baby bandolier
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 6:39 PM on November 22 [6 favorites]
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 6:39 PM on November 22 [6 favorites]
baby holders on saturday night live, 1989
posted by Clowder of bats at 7:42 PM on November 22 [3 favorites]
posted by Clowder of bats at 7:42 PM on November 22 [3 favorites]
baby bandolier
There are twins in my daughter's class at daycare, and their mom (who also has a toddler and one of those rolling grocery carts for all their stuff) has a special two-baby carrier that crosses in the front and winds up with one baby cuddled up on each side. Invariably they end up somewhat lopsided (or maybe this is by design, since the first baby has to load in different than the second) with one kid up by her shoulder and the other one peeking under her armpit. The babies always look slightly perplexed and the whole deal is terribly cute!
posted by heyforfour at 1:40 AM on November 23 [7 favorites]
There are twins in my daughter's class at daycare, and their mom (who also has a toddler and one of those rolling grocery carts for all their stuff) has a special two-baby carrier that crosses in the front and winds up with one baby cuddled up on each side. Invariably they end up somewhat lopsided (or maybe this is by design, since the first baby has to load in different than the second) with one kid up by her shoulder and the other one peeking under her armpit. The babies always look slightly perplexed and the whole deal is terribly cute!
posted by heyforfour at 1:40 AM on November 23 [7 favorites]
It's been a while since I've looked at kottke.org and am glad to see that it's getting exposure
He is of course Metafilter's own user #100
posted by hydropsyche at 4:12 AM on November 23 [5 favorites]
He is of course Metafilter's own user #100
posted by hydropsyche at 4:12 AM on November 23 [5 favorites]
The babies always look slightly perplexed and the whole deal is terribly cute!
Clearly, this needs to be the basis for a King Ghidorah Halloween costume....
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:54 AM on November 23 [1 favorite]
Clearly, this needs to be the basis for a King Ghidorah Halloween costume....
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:54 AM on November 23 [1 favorite]
So - all that time I spent trying to rescue bouncing babies as a kid, and it all coulda been solved by this?
posted by symbioid at 5:36 PM on November 23 [1 favorite]
posted by symbioid at 5:36 PM on November 23 [1 favorite]
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posted by a faded photo of their beloved at 10:59 AM on November 22 [3 favorites]