The manifesto of the MeFite
December 13, 2024 3:32 AM   Subscribe

@edithcharles.bsky.social‬ asked “What bizarre shit are they finding in your manifesto after you're finally apprehended?” Responses included “Mostly an exhaustive list of how to behave and move correctly in a supermarket” and “Stop bunting” and “5-page digression about how LED headlights are too fucking bright” and “Pics of my cats and 'I did it for them'” and “First of all, IT’S A MISSION STATEMENT”. But what's in your manifesto? Some more responses...

@tashjoeza.bsky.social‬: People who take their phone calls on speaker in public spaces should be made to eat their phones right there while everyone looks on.

@grumble-grumble.bsky.social‬: a well organized and format correct bibliography

@whiskybot.bsky.social‬: Mandatory retail service for white collar crimes and CEO wage a function of average employee salary.

@jmadelman.bsky.social‬: That meeting could have been an email. That fourteen-email thread could have been a three-minute phone call.

@dschbax.bsky.social‬: Plates should be abolished and replaced with pasta bowls.

@3dogdad.bsky.social‬: Several pages raging against the default choices developers made in Microsoft Windows 11 and Office products.

@idon-kair.bsky.social‬: Cheesecake is a type of pie and only helps the pie side of the argument that Pie > Cake.

@citizeneater.bsky.social‬: The sound of the clipping of fingernails. If you have ridden the subway at any great length you too know how utterly repulsive that sound is now in any context.

@auntiedange.bsky.social‬: A 300 page treatise about the cancellation of Firefly, a ten line postscript about how Ribena sucks now.

@thatgenxwidower.bsky.social‬: You CAN wear a hat at the table.

@maybeimsam.bsky.social‬: IT TAKES MUCH MORE THAN 3-5 MINUTES TO SOFTEN ONIONS AND UPWARDS OF AN HOUR TO CARAMELIZE THEM AND RECIPES HAVE BEEN LYING TO US FOR YEARS

@princessshug.bsky.social‬: English language service announcement: "Hence why" is not a phrase.

@tayterthots.bsky.social‬: that miracle whip is of the devil & that i will Remain a mint chocolate chip ice cream denier until the bitter end.

@drivelcast.bsky.social‬: Those Lidl security guards who spend all day sat looking bored near the fruit to be immediately redeployed to police the checkouts, where they will be permitted to tase anyone who, when a new till opens, scuttles from the back of another queue to get served first.

@fiine.bsky.social‬: I wash my cast iron with dish soap and I'll die on that hill.

@englishhurler.bsky.social‬: There are going to be Words about the trapezoid in hockey.

@so-dm-done.bsky.social‬: A very long rant about how irregardless is not a word.

@jillsreads.com‬: Bras are torture devices. Why is there no good frozen pizza? Bring back hair metal with long guitar solos. Pockets in women’s pants already, geez. Down with the oligarchy! What good is it to track things with my phone if I lose my phone most often? A TV season is not three episodes, you cheapskates.

@myfriendkatye.bsky.social‬: Bay leaves are a conspiracy and someone is laughing at all of you for dumping foliage in your food. That someone is me.

@grahamofthedead.bsky.social‬: SPIDER. HYPHEN. MAN.

@luckytheturtle.bsky.social‬: My manifesto is basically 10 things I need to get at Lowes for 10 projects that are never going to happen because I don't.

@ksistnarf.bsky.social‬: A huge rant of the amount of BBQ sauce brands being disgustingly sweet.

@lavendersbian.bsky.social‬: My plan to abolish HOAs.

@nevfountain.bsky.social‬: People who get seats at the end of the row in theatres and only grudgingly stand up when you have to get past will be nailed to the theatre floor and pelted with overpriced popcorn.

@rocaffrey.bsky.social‬: All food can be categorised into either 'soup' or 'pie'

@briansconverse.bsky.social‬: Star Wars Episode 7. In this rewritten script I will...
posted by Wordshore (299 comments total) 43 users marked this as a favorite
 




My own contribution to the thread included: “Food products will be two words max. No more "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" etc.” (and some stuff about cats, and mince pies)
posted by Wordshore at 4:26 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


Wait. A manifesto isn’t a simple pesto made out of men? Another thing I’ve been doing wrong!
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:29 AM on December 13, 2024 [39 favorites]


Extended diatribe about parking on the wrong side of the street with extensive diagrams and a few choice words speaking to the fact that yes this does matter and no I'm not just getting myself worked up, there are reasons societies have rules, and while I'm on the subject let's broaden the discussion to include double-parked delivery drivers and their exploitation by anti-union online retail establishments and are we really witnessing the death throes of late-stage capitalism or will the totalitarian state bend to the will of the olig--hey, are you even listening?
posted by blankspot at 4:43 AM on December 13, 2024 [9 favorites]


For some reason people are now doing street karaoke in my city. Just go into the karaoke bars!! There are literally so many karaoke bars on this street!!! Why are you inflicting this on me!!!!!
posted by Panthalassa at 4:43 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


[doom noises]
posted by cupcakeninja at 4:47 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


In all seriousness, I've made (oh god, that many?!)... a lot of comments here, along with similar things on Facebook, Twitter, and other places. That should be more than enough grist for the mill, though my pity for the intern that has to slog through all of it will probably keep me from enacting my devious master plan.
posted by Ghidorah at 4:55 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


A lot about science fiction. How the tremendous amount of science fiction has changed fandom. Home cooking, mostly improvised. Occasional mentions of government outrages. A list of ways to deal with tinnitus. Not as weird as a lot of other people's manifestos.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 4:57 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


For some reason people are now doing street karaoke in my city. Just

Where do you live? I must move there immediately. :) my manifesto is more public karaoke and dancing.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:00 AM on December 13, 2024 [14 favorites]


“Food products will be two words max. No more "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" etc.”

It's not my place to judge a manifesto before the revolution but what would you call it with only two words?! (Inconceivable Butter?)
posted by mittens at 5:04 AM on December 13, 2024 [48 favorites]


I laughed out loud on the metro just now at “inconceivable butter.”
posted by A Bad Catholic at 5:06 AM on December 13, 2024 [24 favorites]


Heck, why not go shorter? "Unbutter" is sitting right there, waiting to be a sock appear on the shelf...
posted by cupcakeninja at 5:07 AM on December 13, 2024 [20 favorites]


What companies refer to as a "product" these days is nearly always actually a service. An insurance policy is a service I subscribe to, and that service allows me under certain conditions to enlist your company for payment to cover specific types of emergency expenses. It is not, under any circumstances, a "product" that you made for me to take home.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 5:12 AM on December 13, 2024 [10 favorites]


So in response to both my own comment and mittens, I must now observe that "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 5:14 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


The Chilean company NotCo sells:

NotKetchup
NotMayo
NotMilk
NotIcecream
NotBurger
NotChicken
NotCream
NotMeat
NotCheese
NotHotDog
posted by signal at 5:17 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


I was gonna say Incredibutter, but apparently someone already got there.

But then again, I can't buy it anywhere, so how truly Incredibutter can it even be?

(Actually it sounds kinda great, but again, where?)

There's your manifesto, about something I didn't care about until 5 minutes ago.
posted by limeonaire at 5:25 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


I'm vegetarian, and yesterday I had a sandwich at the campus café that called itself "Vegan No Salt Beef Sandwich".

Salt beef in the UK is what the US calls corned beef, but I had to parse the name a few times. I want a "Vegan Salt No-Beef Sandwich", not a beef sandwich without salt. But since it said "Vegan" I bought it and enjoyed it. But I think they should at least put in some brackets to show the associativity of the negation operator there.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 5:29 AM on December 13, 2024 [16 favorites]


Where do you live? I must move there immediately. :) my manifesto is more public karaoke and dancing.

If it's performed with talent, with artistic intent, no problem. This is not.
posted by Panthalassa at 5:31 AM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


It's not my place to judge a manifesto before the revolution but what would you call it with only two words?! (Inconceivable Butter?)

"Not Butter"
posted by Dysk at 5:32 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


Nobody is spending "taxpayers' money." Stop talking about "taxpayers' money." It is not "taxpayers' money." Once the money is paid it is "public funds" or "public money" or "public spending" or you can call it "the people's money" if you want or "government funds" or "government money" or "social spending" or lots of other things.

But once people pay their taxes it is no longer the taxpayers' money. Saying that something is paid for with "taxpayers' money" makes about as much sense as saying that you used your employer's money to go out and get drunk last night and to buy yourself a steak dinner and pay your rent and get your dog a new diamond necklace. Yes, you GOT the money from your employer, but once they paid it to you it became your money. Once I pay my taxes, my taxes belong to the people of Canada and to me AS A CANADIAN, not as a taxpayer.

This matters because of what ownership IS. Ownership is a bundle of rights, right lawyers? Including the right to decide how something is disposed of, what is done with it, whether it is sold, how it is spent etc. etc. If we own the money as taxpayers, then it would be the case that people who pay more taxes would have more ownership and thus should logically have more say. You would get your say BY VIRTUE of paying taxes.

But that's not true. No constitution that I'm aware of gives you a say by virtue of paying taxes. Paying taxes are not a rights-conferring status. You have the rights in a democracy not because you pay taxes but because (depending on the right) you are a citizen, a resident, or a person. The money belongs to us a citizens and we all have equal say in how that money is spent regardless of how much tax we pay because we are all EQUALLY citizens and it is NOT taxpayers' money.

Thank you for reading my manifesto.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 5:40 AM on December 13, 2024 [107 favorites]


Always put your shopping cart back in the cart corral. NO FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE do not leave it in a parking space, or crossing TWO spaces WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU RAISED BY WOLVES? I bet you turned out of the parking lot without putting on your turn signal too.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:42 AM on December 13, 2024 [10 favorites]


You want to use annihilate, not decimate. DECIMATE HAS A STRICT MEANING AND YOU CAN TELL WHAT IT MEANS BECAUSE THE WORD STARTS WITH DEC. Like ten! Like decimal! DEC DEC DEC DEC DEC.
posted by punchtothehead at 5:46 AM on December 13, 2024 [34 favorites]


(added as a tag to the post)
posted by Wordshore at 5:48 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


Also, homework should be abolished.
posted by punchtothehead at 5:50 AM on December 13, 2024 [14 favorites]


"Always put your shopping cart back in the cart corral."

Preach it! Leaving your buggy (I'm from the South) in the parking lot so it can smash into my car is the peak of peak laziness.
posted by bwvol at 5:53 AM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


Okay, on SPIDER HYPHEN MAN . . . as an entomologist if it is part of a group, e.g., a bee, fly, beetle, true bug (Hemiptera), then the common name it is always two words and if it is not part of that group the common name is one word: honey bee not honeybee (they are bees), house fly not housefly (they are flies), and also dragonfly, not dragon fly and butterfly, not butter fly (they are not flies). A ladybug (not a true bug, i.e., Hemiptera) can also be called a lady beetle as it is a beetle.

Given that Peter Parker is not a true member of the order Araneae, he could be a spiderman, one word, but as he is a man he could be a spider man, two words.

This has been Fimbulvetr's Entomological Pedantry of the Day.
posted by fimbulvetr at 5:56 AM on December 13, 2024 [66 favorites]


An extremely long and detailed rant about how kids these days are illiterate and how it especially shows up in fanfiction.
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 6:00 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


Operating computers, like operating cars, should be licensed with a proctored written exam.

If you don’t know what a web browser is, you are not qualified to operate a computer.

(Yes, I do public-facing tech support. Why do you ask?)
posted by Lemkin at 6:00 AM on December 13, 2024 [15 favorites]


I just want a Mac with upgradable parts again.

> Extended diatribe about parking on the wrong side of the street

I live in a section of town where the streets are one lane and two-way with parking on both sides. There are no rules. Enter with extreme caution.
posted by Wilbefort at 6:02 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


Chicken noodle.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 6:06 AM on December 13, 2024


One more reflection, perhaps Peter Parker's common name should like Tetranychid mites, i.e., spider mites. They are not spiders, but they are mites. Two words. So spider man, not spiderman.
posted by fimbulvetr at 6:08 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


'anything coming into my house with a "smart" adjective on it will be smashed with a hammer'
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:09 AM on December 13, 2024 [10 favorites]


Oh gods, I have to pick just one? Okay: all businesses that have "gone cashless" will be permanently shut down.
posted by outgrown_hobnail at 6:14 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


Don't stand in the way of people who are or would be walking.
posted by NotLost at 6:15 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


In a superhero TTRPG, I played a mad scientist superhero. The number of things I needed to websearch for to keep my weird inventions sounding semi-scientifically plausible with proper treknobabble almost certainly has me on multiple lists, including the time I tried to find out if it was Oppenheimer or Teller who lost the bet about the Trinity test igniting the atmosphere...

I'm also trans. I need no manifesto to so many of them.
posted by mephron at 6:21 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


Science is, in fact, not baffled by the fact that bumble bees can fly despite their tiny wings (spoiler, they don't glide)

While the left and right sides of your brain do different things, it's not "left = logic, right =creative"

The five stages of grief is pseudo science and just not a thing!

I don't care what books smell like, I just want to read them in print, ebook or audio. The story is the bit I care about, not the scent.

Rats tails are beautiful! And it's really rude to tell a person you find their pets disgusting.

OK I need to go smell my rats now (they smell really nice, sort of like sunwarmed dry grass)
posted by Zumbador at 6:24 AM on December 13, 2024 [17 favorites]


"Dimension" refers to a way to measure positions in space (or space/time), and "Another Dimension" means another positional axis (as in X,Y,Z), not a parallel reality, which should be called "Another Reality", "Another Universe", "Another World", etc.
posted by signal at 6:27 AM on December 13, 2024 [9 favorites]


Operating computers, like operating cars, should be licensed with a proctored written exam.

I feel like the tests required for operating cars aren't really that effective. And thats a skill with more structured rules. What makes you think the computer tests would be more effective?
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 6:28 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


Dinosaur fossils are not bones. They are rocks that formed in the hollows left by bones. There are no more dinosaur bones anymore.

Petrification means turned to stone FFS.
posted by Hactar at 6:30 AM on December 13, 2024 [17 favorites]


signal, you could say "further down a dimensional axis unknown to us" though. But yeah, dimension has a very distinct meaning.
posted by Hactar at 6:32 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


Ecology is the subdiscipline of biology that studies the interactions among organisms and between organisms and their environment. It has nothing to do with solar panels, EVs, recycling, energy efficient appliance, Whole Foods, or whatever else you just stuck eco- in front of for marketing purposes.
posted by hydropsyche at 6:34 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


The BBC should return and show "All Aboard: The Sleigh Ride" to a fixed slot late on every Christmas Eve; this should be written into their charter so they can't quietly drop it again.
posted by Wordshore at 6:34 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


Your blinkers are a tool to communicate your intentions, and to coordinate with other drivers. They are not a Permissive Action Device like a bomb's arming trigger which is activated as late as humanly possible.
posted by wenestvedt at 6:34 AM on December 13, 2024 [22 favorites]


The plural of hovercraft is hovercraft.
posted by Dysk at 6:40 AM on December 13, 2024 [7 favorites]


All our problems as a global culture can be traced back to double-entry accounting. Ban it. Go back to long lists of numbers.
posted by Peach at 6:41 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


>What makes you think the computer tests would be more effective?

Maybe OP was thinking about limiting Internet Access when they said "computers". Limiting Internet Access to those who pass a reading comprehension test might be an improvement. (or rather, it's nice to daydream that most mean people are just confused/incompetent rather than actively mean)
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 6:42 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


DO NOT LOOK AT YOUR PHONE AND WALK AT THE SAME TIME

WALK OVER TO THE CURB OR STREET WALL AND CHECK YOUR PHONE WHILE STANDING STILL, THEN PUT IT AWAY AND START WALKING AGAIN

AND OH MY GOD DEFINITELY DON’T LOOK AT IT ON THE SUBWAY STAIRS
posted by thecaddy at 6:44 AM on December 13, 2024 [26 favorites]


In Canada they are toques, not "beanies"

The recent proliferation of the Americanism "beanie" in this country for knitted winter hats is a crime and should be treated as such.
posted by fimbulvetr at 6:44 AM on December 13, 2024 [13 favorites]


I would like to co-sign the abolition of HOAs. Run for local government if you want to make rules about stuff.
posted by Ella Fynoe at 6:47 AM on December 13, 2024 [16 favorites]


Also, speaking of manifestos, of which I have many, this (rant about oversimplification of the reading wars).
posted by Peach at 6:49 AM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


Buttons. Actual buttons on electronics, non of this touch a flat screen, none of this o
press and hold, none of this one-button does two different things and you have to magically get it to do the right thing.
posted by No Climate - No Food, No Food - No Future. at 6:49 AM on December 13, 2024 [23 favorites]


In Canada they are toques, not "beanies"

Then what kind of hat does a chef wear?
posted by LionIndex at 6:50 AM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


Killing a person with poison is murder even if you make money doing it, even if you don't know in advance who you are poisoning, even if you are a corporation.... (oops, thats a real manifesto.) err...
I mean, corn-nuts, what's the deal with corn nuts? is it corn, is it a nut?
posted by No Climate - No Food, No Food - No Future. at 6:50 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


( corn nuts were invented by bored dentists; do not engage with corn nuts )
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:01 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


Then what kind of hat does a chef wear?

As with all professions, if a chef is wearing a knit winter hat in Canada they are wearing a toque.
posted by fimbulvetr at 7:01 AM on December 13, 2024 [12 favorites]


Africa is not a country, over and over again as many times as I've had to correct students on this point.
posted by mollweide at 7:02 AM on December 13, 2024 [9 favorites]


and dear god, use the correct ‘single’ and “double” quotation marks (and apostrophes). don’t use 'foot' and "inch" marks!
posted by rude.boy at 7:03 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


Everyone's shit stinks
posted by ginger.beef at 7:12 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


Stickers on Fruit: A Plague on Society
Why Does Everything Have Tiered Ruffles Now?
Stop Surprising Me With Raisins. I'm Serious.
posted by thivaia at 7:13 AM on December 13, 2024 [13 favorites]


If it's performed with talent, with artistic intent, no problem. This is not.

I hear you and support your manifesto!

But for me, humans having fun singing and dancing together, whether on key or not or whatever, gives me intense joy. So sadly, our manifestos are in opposition. But there's room for both somehow, especially with good windows and soundproofing and appropriate timing on noise ordinances.

(I have a classical music background and used to work for The Royal Conservatory up here, so I do immediately hear the difference. I just spent a couple years watching highly trained classical musicians lose their love of music via the system and came out believing 100% in joy.)
posted by warriorqueen at 7:13 AM on December 13, 2024 [9 favorites]


Then what kind of hat does a chef wear?

Chef's hat.

This is like how back bacon is called Canadian bacon elsewhere. :)
posted by warriorqueen at 7:14 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


The word "comprises" is not a fancy synonym for "composes" it is a word to save you the trouble of saying "is composed of." It is easier and lazier to use it correctly. Please do so.
posted by Zalzidrax at 7:14 AM on December 13, 2024 [9 favorites]


It's nothing very special really: Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.
/
posted by theora55 at 7:14 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


I will so get on board with EXHILE TO A REMOTE DESERT ISLAND ANYONE WHO PUTS STICKERS ON FRUIT AND OTHER PRODUCE ESPECIALLY THOSE STUPID PLASTIC STICKERS THAT PLUG UP THE DISHWASHER AND DRAINS AND GET STUCK TO EVERYTHING FUCK THOSE THINGS
posted by fimbulvetr at 7:17 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


...you're washing your fruit in the dishwasher??
posted by Dysk at 7:19 AM on December 13, 2024 [11 favorites]


Hah! No, that would be weird.

Those stickers are insidious. They stick to everything, including dishes, which go in the dishwasher.
posted by fimbulvetr at 7:21 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


(I should really learn to use /s when people might think I'm being serious.)
posted by Dysk at 7:27 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


Zero ducks. One duck. Two ducks.

If your billion dollar website can't handle that extra bit of code ("1 days left for this offer!") then your domain should be yanked.

And if you know it's a thing and are too lazy to fix it ("1 day(s) left for this offer!") then you should be banned from the internet.
posted by JoeZydeco at 7:28 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


If it's performed with talent, with artistic intent, no problem. This is not.

Wait. I thought you said it was karaoke.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:30 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


If you've been involved in a gangbang with a former very senior politician, you should be forbidden by law to unexpectedly mentioning this fact at a Christmas Dinner attended by senior/elderly relatives.
posted by Wordshore at 7:32 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


It is not the Finanical Products Industry: it is the Financial Services Industry, because you are my servant.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 7:34 AM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


Mine is a lengthy diatribe, with dozens of real-world examples, about how continuous integration is not a substitute for actually testing your software in real environments before release. (I should really get around to writing it up at some point.)
posted by offog at 7:36 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


Mine:

On an escalator? Stand right, walk left.

On a sidewalk with you and your mates? Please assume brief single file when someone is coming toward you so I can get by without jostling you. (If nothing else, make room! Create a space for me to pass!)

If you work in a scent-free environment, please respect it.

Piggybacking on thecaddy's comment above: Need to text? Need to scroll? If you are walking on a sidewalk, please do step off to the side and deal with it. (I do this myself.) But especially, as a fellow pedestrian, for the love of god, stay off your phone when crossing a busy intersection. You don't know what a driver will do just to make that light or turn.

If you're at a concert or show, please don't block anyone else's view with your phone. Like, getting it out for pictures? Sure! But keeping it out for the duration of a show? C'mon man, the band is RIGHT THERE.
posted by Kitteh at 7:52 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU RAISED BY WOLVES

I mean, wolves can't use shopping carts. That's why I get all my groceries delivered.


Dinosaur fossils are not bones. They are rocks that formed in the hollows left by bones. There are no more dinosaur bones anymore. Petrification means turned to stone FFS.

I mean, kinda... They're rocks formed by permineralization and replacement of bones and other organic materials, to be exact.
posted by limeonaire at 7:58 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


Pretend Butter.
posted by njohnson23 at 8:00 AM on December 13, 2024 [8 favorites]


Overuse of the heart emoji in the workplace can go to hell
posted by ginger.beef at 8:01 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


The plural of hovercraft is hovercraft.
Dysk, but then how do I know whether it is one very large eel in each hovercraft, or many small eels in one?
posted by It is regrettable that at 8:05 AM on December 13, 2024 [8 favorites]


Sammyo Manifesto: No Manifestos
posted by sammyo at 8:06 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


"Use" and "utilize" are NOT interchangeable! Nor are "impact" and "affect/effect"!

And if you are too lazy or disaffected to write out "Rest in peace" instead of the distasteful "RIP" in a social-media post, text, or email, then you probably don't care much and shouldn't bother at all.
posted by jgirl at 8:08 AM on December 13, 2024 [8 favorites]


Wait. A manifesto isn’t a simple pesto made out of men? Another thing I’ve been doing wrong!

That's a mesto, not a manifesto. As in mesto soprano, which is the kind of singy lady that persists mostly on mesto.

A manifesto is a more complex pesto made from manifolds. Heating, hydraulic, etc. But only physical objects and not the abstract kind. It's chunky, yo!

what would you call it with only two words?! (Inconceivable Butter?)

Not Butter
Butter? NO!
It's Margarine
Butter? MARGARINE!
Margie McMargarine
Seamus O'Leo
HOORAY! MARGARINE!
Frabjous Oleo
Hella Hydrogenated!
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 8:09 AM on December 13, 2024 [11 favorites]


Oh, I forgot to include something about people who listen to music or podcasts on speakers while walking, running, or cycling in a nature reserve.
posted by mollweide at 8:10 AM on December 13, 2024 [9 favorites]


“Manifesto” is the name of the Marvel Comics villain.

“Manifestopheles” is the name of the historical, fictional demon.
posted by notoriety public at 8:15 AM on December 13, 2024 [7 favorites]


Excerpts include:

"...umbrellas on public sidewalks as an unacceptable example of the tragedy of the commons..."

"...no punishment too severe for those who would design websites with autoplaying audio or whatever 'feature' resists backing out of the page..."

"...last-minute renewal of Star Trek: Lower Decks, with production to continue in perpetuity, paid for out of public coffers in whatever amount is deemed necessary..."
posted by Navelgazer at 8:22 AM on December 13, 2024 [7 favorites]


Navelgazer, I approve your use of the phrase "public coffers," though I am neutral on the particular use proposed.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:26 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


Bring back The Adventures of Brisco County Junior.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 8:26 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


Dysk, but then how do I know whether it is one very large eel in each hovercraft, or many small eels in one?

Context - is your hovercraft full of eels, or are your hovercraft full of eels?
posted by Dysk at 8:26 AM on December 13, 2024 [17 favorites]


Operating computers, like operating cars, should be licensed with a proctored written exam.

If you don’t know what a web browser is, you are not qualified to operate a computer.

(Yes, I do public-facing tech support. Why do you ask?)


I feel your pain. I had one user who who said "anytime I connect the laptop to the brain". What she actually meant was connecting to the network.

More to your point, one shouldn't be doing tech related things if they don't know a browser. Back in 2000, I had a "tech" from the cable company come to install a cable modem for me. Before he could leave he had to get the IP address to confirm that everything was set up correctly. The only way he knew how to do it was to go to whatsmyip.com. He goes to open a browser on my computer to do this and says, "Hey! Where's the big blue E?" (meaning where is the icon for Internet Explorer.)

I don't think he was the most tech-savvy ...err.... technician I've worked with.

(no big blue e because I was on linux)
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 8:29 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


Stickers on Fruit: A Plague on Society

The plastic stickers are OK, I stick them to something else that's getting thrown away at the same time and they peel off cleanly. It's the goddamn new eco-friendly or something PAPER stickers that are a blight on society. I only ever notice them halfway through washing the fruit or veg, AFTER any potential structural ability for the sticker to be cleanly removed has been destroyed, so I spend a solid minute or two doing my best to scrub adhesive residue off a TOMATO.

Rar. Grar.
posted by Kyol at 8:32 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


There are, in fact, many businesses like show business.
posted by Wordshore at 8:33 AM on December 13, 2024 [29 favorites]


A garble of Martini Discourse devolving into fanfic of James Bond on trial for crimes against cocktails.
posted by EvaDestruction at 8:35 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


You do not, in fact, need to come to a complete stop to turn right. Particularly in small towns like mine where you have clear sight lines and you're on a busy road turning onto a smaller road.

Going to the beach? DO NOT THRUMP your blankets, chairs, family members, unleashed dogs, toys, coolers and etc down right at the end of the entry way / path over the dunes!!!! Walk a little for gods' sake! Go 50 feet to the left or right! Or further, that would be nice! Stop making everyone, which includes me and my dog reactive dog, thread the needle through your entire extended family to get back to the parking lot.
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:39 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


[em] tags should only be used for emphasis. Using them to italicize titles is barbarism.
posted by Lemkin at 8:40 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


Oh and you brought your speakers to the beach / forest / mountain? Jail for 1000 years.
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:44 AM on December 13, 2024 [31 favorites]


Oh and you brought your speakers to the beach / forest / mountain?

Gotta have my tunes, man.
posted by Lemkin at 8:47 AM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


You do not, in fact, need to come to a complete stop to turn right. Particularly in small towns like mine where you have clear sight lines and you're on a busy road turning onto a smaller road.

Ok, my manifesto: You do (I mean assuming there was a stop sign or red light or reason why you were supposed to stop). You always have to signal every time, even when there's no one around and you're just turning from one part of your driveway onto another part of your driveway. And you have to check your blind spot before turning right even when it's completely impossible, in the absence of teleportation, that there's anyone there.

The reason is that every moment you are programming your auto-pilot and your muscle memory. You want there to be as few judgement calls on these things as possible. You want it to be as automatic as possible that every single time you see a stop sign you come to a complete stop, that you never turn the wheel without first having flicked the signal on, that you never turn the wheel to the right without first having turned your head over your shoulder. Sure you'll stop and signal and check unnecessarily. So what?

But if you're using your only doing it when it seems necessary that one day you're going to forget to think about whether it's necessary or you're going to think and you're going to misjudge. Just program your autopilot to always do the safe thing. Really how much time do you lose coming to a complete stop vs. just slowing down? 2 seconds tops. But your giving your autopilot slopping programming and given how much of our driving is done on auto-pilot, that's a bad idea.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:48 AM on December 13, 2024 [43 favorites]


I will happily write long-form screeds (in no particular order) about:
  • People who keep their phone on speaker mode, holding it flat in their hand and yelling into the bottom of it
  • How cereal commercials have contributed to the downfall of society (not joking, this has bothered me since grade school)
  • The connection between cutting out the credits in Looney Tunes leading to a generation embracing piracy
  • The general inability to understand that words mean things and should be used accordingly (corollary: if you don't know what the word means, don't use it)
  • Why we should not tolerate abuse of plurals ('data' are plural, and the only acceptable reason for having an 'Alumni' sticker on your car is if two passengers are both graduates [assuming both are male {dear god where does it end}])
  • Poor design decisions in specific software packages and/or operating systems
There are obviously many more.

My wife said something about how I am becoming a grumpy old man. Apparently I have always been a curmudgeon, I just needed to start getting old before it really took...
posted by caution live frogs at 8:52 AM on December 13, 2024 [17 favorites]


[em] tags should only be used for emphasis. Using them to italicize titles is barbarism.

So it's pistols at dawn, then?
posted by Navelgazer at 8:57 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


I will happily write long-form screeds (in no particular order) about:

So like do we have to vote? I want to hear these:

How cereal commercials have contributed to the downfall of society (not joking, this has bothered me since grade school)
(Is it the complete breakfast thin
g?)

The general inability to understand that words mean things and should be used accordingly (corollary: if you don't know what the word means, don't use it)
(Note: I want you to know that if you turn this into a religion I will be your first acolyte. And if I have used that word wrong, I will accept whatever penance you deep appropriate. Note that plural thing, is just a commandment for this religion and I already use plural verb conjugations for "data," so I can be in your cult, right?)
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:57 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


The Star Trek TNG episode "The Measure of a Man" is highly-overrated and could have easily been fixed.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:00 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


mygothlaundry: "Oh and you brought your speakers to the beach / forest / mountain? Jail for 1000 years."

Some fucker brought his speakers to a backcountry campsite on Isle Royale. On his honeymoon. He was greeted by me, fuckin' exhausted, seething with barely constrained anger, having had to extract myself from my sleeping bag to ask him through gritted teeth to turn it the fuck off, because NO ONE hiked to the middle of goddamn nowhere to listen to his fucking dubstep, especially not me and my equally exhausted kid. So his new wife had to listen to her new husband learning first-hand what the Outdoor Code says about being an entitled asshole in one of the most remote wildernesses in the Lower 48.

I'd like to think I ruined his honeymoon, but I think he did that to himself. I spotted him days later, in the camp store at Windigo, confusedly discussing his return flight with the park staff. The bit of the conversation I overheard included him asking 'So you're telling me the chartered flight we were supposed to be on left yesterday?'
posted by caution live frogs at 9:01 AM on December 13, 2024 [25 favorites]


Anyone repeatedly writing run on sentences should have to write a 100 page essay on why communication matters.
posted by blue shadows at 9:02 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


You do (I mean assuming there was a stop sign or red light or reason why you were supposed to stop) No, no, I mean if those exist then yes, of course you must stop. I mean when you are driving along a slightly busy road two lane road - one going one way, the other the other way - with the flow of traffic and you are turning right onto another, smaller road. There's nobody crossing, nothing there and no reason you can't proceed without coming to a complete halt and stopping all the traffic behind you. You can just slow down as you approach your right turn and turn.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:05 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


I will add: if you do not own headphones, that's cool! But please don't watch or listen to media on public transport. And airplanes.

why would you do this on airplanes

i mean i am sure your musical taste is immaculate but not everyone wants to hear you tinnily blast it on a streetcar
posted by Kitteh at 9:06 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


I will add: if you do not own headphones, that's cool! But please don't watch or listen to media on public transport. And airplanes.

I have this manifesto-theory that the combination of loss of headphone jacks on phones and the rise of short form media that requires audio to be interesting are combining to form a modern plague on society. You can't watch your tik-toks and your vines and your facebook shorts on mute, and nobody's buying their dumbass kid a $40 pair of bluetooth headphones that they'll break or lose because they're kids.
posted by Kyol at 9:09 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


If only I had a penguin...: " (Is it the complete breakfast thing?)

It's the subliminal messaging! What are the commercials telling you?

Trix: "It's OK not to share with people who are different than you"
Lucky Charms: "It's OK to take things from those who are smaller/weaker than you"
Fruity Pebbles: "It's OK to trick your friends if they have something you want"
Cookie Crisp: "Stealing in general is just fine if it's something you want (and even if you get caught, you still get the thing)"

Research shows kids as young as 3 recognize brand names and logos and begin to make judgements based on their knowledge. It is not AT ALL a stretch to think that they are paying attention to the moral lessons (or lack thereof!) inherent in these ad campaigns. People designing ad campaigns aren't stupid, they understand psychology and they use their knowledge to manipulate you into purchasing their product. I have a very hard time thinking that these messages are all accidental.

I have nothing against Frosted Flakes though, they're great
posted by caution live frogs at 9:10 AM on December 13, 2024 [27 favorites]


Manuscript is not a synonym for old book. It’s the Latin words for hand and written and it means handwritten.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 9:10 AM on December 13, 2024 [7 favorites]


Data is a mass noun, not a plural. If you're being that strict with etymology-related plurals, you should be fully consistent. If e.g. someone says they're from the media and you're not insisting they're actually from a medium, I will not take your protestations to treating data as a mass noun seriously.
posted by Dysk at 9:14 AM on December 13, 2024 [11 favorites]


Anyone repeatedly writing run on sentences should have to write a 100 page essay on why communication matters.
posted by blue shadows


100 pages is a lot of room for one very long sentence.
posted by gc at 9:16 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


Continued excerpts:

"...that long chair is called a chaise longue, which is French for 'long chair.' There's no such thing as a 'chaise lounge'..."

"...no corporate personhood until and unless we determine a manner by which corporations may be jailed/executed as per the laws of the appropriate jurisdiction..."

"...every example cited by advocates for the Oxford Comma is in fact just an intentionally-confusing construction which would easily be fixed by reordering its contents..."
posted by Navelgazer at 9:19 AM on December 13, 2024 [7 favorites]


The recent proliferation of the Americanism "beanie" in this country

Huey, Dewey & Louie (and various underclassmen) wear beanies; but Michael Nesmith's headgear is a knit cap. Accept no substitutes.

My complaint (yet to be elevated to Manifesto status) is with young people who, when asked a question (like for example where's the nearest liquor store) can't just respond with an honest "I dunno" but instead whip out their cell, and then "look it up" while I'm forced to stand there, time a-wasting. Listen, Junior, I could do that myself.
posted by Rash at 9:23 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


If you've been involved in a gangbang with a former very senior politician, you should be forbidden by law to unexpectedly mentioning this fact at a Christmas Dinner attended by senior/elderly relatives.


your christmas dinners sound way better than mine
posted by Dr. Twist at 9:23 AM on December 13, 2024 [18 favorites]


@jmadelman.bsky.social‬: That meeting could have been an email. That fourteen-email thread could have been a three-minute phone call.

I feel so seen right now.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 9:28 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


"inconceivable butter"

You keep using that spread. I do not think it means what you think it means.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 9:31 AM on December 13, 2024 [18 favorites]


I have a long history of doing this on Mastodon, actually.

A few:
-the worst conditioner in your shower is a better lubricant for shaving than the finest shaving cream
-Dyson Air Blade hand dryers are a sad abomination... except in less litigious countries where they output air like a blast furnace and dry your hands effortlessly in a single pass
-if you must use plastic cutlery in a given situation, the clear ones are great and the white ones are trash
-wearing patchouli is beyond the skillset of most people; done well, it's pleasant, done poorly, it is a form of assault
-beginning a work meeting by recapping "your story" (i.e. your resume) is cult behavior
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:33 AM on December 13, 2024 [7 favorites]


manifestos make me both wary and weary, but THESE ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

also, if i'm reading digitally, don't force a fake page experience on me. just let me scroll.
posted by Clowder of bats at 9:34 AM on December 13, 2024 [14 favorites]


500 pages on how Joaquin Phoenix's movie running style is superior to Tom Cruise's movie running style.
posted by Ashwagandha at 9:35 AM on December 13, 2024 [7 favorites]


"...every example cited by advocates for the Oxford Comma is in fact just an intentionally-confusing construction which would easily be fixed by reordering its contents..."

That's not really a counter-argument? I want the Oxford comma to be a universal rule specifically so you can't make such descriptive constructions, e.g. the cafe that batch-makes coffee twice a day and advertises "orange juice, freshly brewed tea and coffee". That only fools consumers because the lack of Oxford comma is not notable or meaningful, because of all the barbarians routinely omitting it. It should be false advertising, but instead it's plausibly deniable.
posted by Dysk at 9:35 AM on December 13, 2024 [9 favorites]


Ketchup is a bullshit condiment and wholly undeserving of being the default/only option for lowbrow and fried things. It is too sweet and, at best, an ingredient in other, superior condiments (BBQ sauce, remoulade) and there is no use case for ketchup alone in which there isn't a better substitute (mayo, mustard, aioli, toum).
posted by dr. boludo at 9:44 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


The Star Trek TNG episode "The Measure of a Man" is highly-overrated and could have easily been fixed.

Body Count's cover of "Raining Blood" is superior to the Slayer original. (100% less Tom Araya, 100% more Ice T. QED.)
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 9:46 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


A lengthy essay on why every auto traffic law should be rigidly enforced. EX: One mph over gets you a ticket.Rolling a stop sign, jail time, etc.
posted by cccorlew at 9:48 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


whatever penance you deep appropriate

was that just a typo? ...because i really want you to have done it on purpose.
posted by Clowder of bats at 9:55 AM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


A lot of people take themselves far too seriously.

That works as both a general manifesto, and a comment about this thread. 😁
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:55 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


oooh oooh I have another!

Please wipe the toliet seat if you are a hoverer. Please? Ladies, we should be better than this.
posted by Kitteh at 9:57 AM on December 13, 2024 [7 favorites]


DO NOT LOOK AT YOUR PHONE AND WALK AT THE SAME TIME

My counter-manifesto: I demand an apology from each and every person who looked askance, chuckled, or made a snide remark about me walking while reading a book in the days before everyone did it with their goddamn phone.
posted by solotoro at 10:00 AM on December 13, 2024 [19 favorites]


Here's another:

"Deer-proof" shrubs mostly just means the deer will only eat them to nubs the once before deciding they do not like them and *probably) will not eat them again. Related: hydrangeas are not deer-proof.
posted by thivaia at 10:03 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


Journalists should be calling out BS and doing it in every day's reporting, not writing false equivalence and horse-race nonsense and saving the good stuff for their book deals.

To wit: News orgs should rotate new people into the White House press corps every year. Reporters say the're building access so they can get stories, but really they're just getting too cozy. Swap in new, hungry, aggressive people every year.

Also, stop calling yourselves "journalists." You're reporters.

Finally: Baseball needs to move back the pitcher's mound and move back the fences. Balls in play are better than strikeouts, triples are more exciting than homers. That's a hill (or pitcher's mound) I'm willing to die on.
posted by martin q blank at 10:13 AM on December 13, 2024 [8 favorites]


No tiktok.






That's it, that's the manifesto.
posted by signal at 10:14 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


Pfft. Anyone can write a manifesto. I want to know how the NYT would analyze my Goodreads reviews.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 10:15 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


nobody's buying their dumbass kid a $40 pair of bluetooth headphones that they'll break or lose because they're kids.

They don't lose the $40 ones because they won't wear them. They lose the $120 airpods you bought like a sucker.
posted by Dr. Twist at 10:22 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


I am so over:
capitalism
stupid vile politicians
corporations: Stop privatized profits, socialized losses
homelessness and hunger
billionaires
advertisements: on highways, Google, webpages, everydamnwhere 
ubiquitous use of plastics
mean people
posted by BlueHorse at 10:28 AM on December 13, 2024 [8 favorites]


Listen, Junior, I could do that myself.

Then why didn't you?
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:30 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


Deep dish pizza is not pizza.
posted by Lyme Drop at 10:31 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


Then why didn't you?

Because a quick Q&A will and should be faster!
posted by Rash at 10:36 AM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


Baseball needs to move back the pitcher's mound

This was tried in the Atlantic League, an affiliated but independent league (i.e. run by MLB but not part of the minor league system) as an official experiment from 2019-2021.

Everyone hated it. While moving the mound back gave hitters extra reaction time, it also gave pitchers an extra foot to improve the break on their off-speed pitches. It made pitchers and hitters uncomfortable while providing something like an overall nil effect on offense.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:44 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


None of these are official manifestos since they do not follow Kim Mok's Manifesto Manifesto format and include a very long rambling sentence that is immediately followed by
One.
Word.
Sentences.

Kumquat
posted by autopilot at 10:46 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


Then why didn't you?

Because a quick Q&A will and should be faster!


You're putting an inordinate amount of faith in the knowledge of people you stumble across in the streets.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:54 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


You can't watch your tik-toks and your vines and your facebook shorts on mute, and nobody's buying their dumbass kid a $40 pair of bluetooth headphones that they'll break or lose because they're kids.

Then buy your dumbass kid a cheaper phone that has a headphone jack. Most low end phones still do, and if your kid can't be trusted with $40 headphones, they certainly do not need a $500 phone.
posted by hydropsyche at 10:57 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


"You guys" is not who we are. As in, "are you guys ready to order? etc." We are not you guys. We are your customers. Just fucking say "are you ready to order?" Thank you.
posted by beagle at 10:59 AM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


Changing the fragrance formula of a long-established, well-liked, fragranced personal care product without changing the name or acknowledging the change AND THEN LYING ABOUT IT TO CUSTOMERS WHO COMPLAIN should be punished by [I’m taking suggestions for this].
posted by toodleydoodley at 11:02 AM on December 13, 2024 [10 favorites]


And if you know it's a thing and are too lazy to fix it ("1 day(s) left for this offer!") then you should be banned from the internet.

My housemate, who is 23 (I am 58) came in to ask me this morning about a thing people were having a big fight about on TikTok: a link after a post that said "updates" with the number of updates after it. The number of updates was one. So it looked something like, "Updates (1)."

Someone was being pedantic about it—"it should say upDATE"—and my housemate wanted to know what I thought about it.

I thought about it a bit, and decided:

In this case UPDATES is the name of a container. And there is only one update in the UPDATES container. Like, I could have a bin labeled "canned goods" and it might at the moment, have only one can in it. The bin isn't mis-labeled; it's just that, right now, the total number of things in the bin happens to be one. I decided that this use-case for "updates" was pretty much the same.

I specifically pointed out that "Updates" isn't a sentence. It would be wrong/awkward to write "There is one updates," and that should totally be fixed.

I don't mean to start a second fight here on MF. I am just interested that a similar thing came up here in the manifestos thread; I would point out that in the poster's example, there is definitely a sentence there and so not fixing it is very, very wrong. But I think the person on TikTok insisting "updates" needed to be fixed was being over-correct.

Really enjoying the thread. Carry on, everyone!
posted by Well I never at 11:06 AM on December 13, 2024 [10 favorites]


You can be a Canadian citizen or use the expression “y’all” in conversation - not both.
posted by brachiopod at 11:08 AM on December 13, 2024 [13 favorites]


Everything about this is amazing and I can't wait to dig in to everyone's ... er, mission statements.
A+ Metafilter content.
posted by ApathyGirl at 11:12 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


[em] tags should only be used for emphasis. Using them to italicize titles is barbarism.

That's what cite is for.
posted by kirkaracha at 11:13 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


EVERYTHING IS MADE OF CONSCIOUSNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:15 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


You can be a Canadian citizen or use the expression “y’all” in conversation - not both.

As a dual citizen from the South, that should definitely apply only to white Canadians born there. When I say it, it's part of how I grew up; when you guys say it, it feels awkward.
posted by Kitteh at 11:16 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


The general rot of society comes from three overlapping dynamics:
- Feudalistic mentality around knowledge bases leading to incuriosity and outright hostility to other points of view
- Lack of consequences for people in positions of a wide range of privilege
- The wild imbalance of prioritization of short term returns versus long term risks and opportunities

I could go on for a really long time about all of that. For funsies, I would put in several passages from Herbert, mostly from God Emperor and The Dosadi Experiment, but I'd probably throw in some from The White Plague just to fuck with them. Also some various other "more serious" works, but Leto II just says some things so well.

I would definitely put in some poetry. I have furious poetry, haha.

Finally ends with: And another thing. Mixed use trails mean that as a pedestrian, you need to look before you walk into them. Especially high-use ones with lots of people on bikes, e-scooters, roller blades and etc.

In fact, in general, "pedestrians have the right of way" does NOT absolve anyone from having to observe basic best practices to preserve their life and limb. Physics aren't mutable just because you're a middle class person on foot, and walking out into traffic is Darwin Award behavior.
posted by Smedly, Butlerian jihadi at 11:16 AM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


Talking at length ("chomping") during a live music performance should result in immediate explusion from the venue.
posted by joseph_elmhurst at 11:17 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


My manifesto would be:

Didn't read the poem/book? STOP QUOTING IT ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

No, you can't buy the mug either.

Or the totebag.

Or the greeting card.

Anyone who posts "I am large, I contain multitudes," who can not prove they've actually read Song of Myself and more-or-less sort of understood at least parts of it is sentenced to community service in the form of:

taking an undergraduate-level 19th Century American Literature course

or

spending 6 hours/week at the library for the next year, reading printed books.

Reasonable accommodations will of course be provided graciously and without bullshit hoop-jumping.
posted by Well I never at 11:21 AM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


I am Marge. I contain loltitudes.
posted by kirkaracha at 11:21 AM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


"Hard" science fiction does not mean "gritty" science fiction. HARD SCIENCE FICTION DOES NOT MEAN GRITTY SCIENCE FICTION. I AM LOOKING AT YOU, PUBLISHERS WEEKLY.

Anyway I agree with many in the original list but what the hell is up with being against mint chocolate chip ice cream, that is deranged.
posted by neuromodulator at 11:29 AM on December 13, 2024 [12 favorites]


spending 6 hours/week at the library for the next year, reading printed books.

Don’t threaten me with a good time.
posted by nickmark at 11:43 AM on December 13, 2024 [13 favorites]


It should be considered good journalism to not publish bullshit from corporations. Instead, reporters should be free to simply tell readers that a company’s statement “didn't address any of the assertions made in this story” or that when asked about issue X, a spokesperson’s response “wasn’t pertinent to the question”.
posted by theory at 11:45 AM on December 13, 2024 [19 favorites]


I am Sarge, I contain platoonitudes.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:53 AM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


I don't have much of a manifesto in me.

Don't be a dick.
Try to be helpful, polite, and friendly in your daily interactions with people.
You do you. (But see rule #1)
Do your best...
Look for the Helpers and try to be one in some way.
Also: make the billionaires pay, not profit, from the government. Hey, look, found some manifesto!
posted by Windopaene at 11:54 AM on December 13, 2024 [9 favorites]


Is it the complete breakfast thing

For some reason I misparsed this as an insult, which I quite like. I think it’s the rhythm - complete + any two syllables with a hard consonant in the middle just sounds exasperated or annoyed
posted by Jon Mitchell at 12:01 PM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


though my pity for the intern that has to slog through all of it will probably keep me from enacting my devious master plan.

If you have a Devious Master Plan, pitying underlings isn't allowed. They're a consumable.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:24 PM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


Unless it's a sneering, contemptuous pity that has absolutely no effect on your behavior.
posted by nickmark at 12:33 PM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


Ketchup is a bullshit condiment

I have a nine year old who believes it's an essential food group.
He will fight you on this.
posted by yyz at 12:34 PM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


I am Marge. I contain loltitudes.

I am Large Marge. I contain eyes that will pop right out of my face.




....tell 'em I sent ya.
posted by thivaia at 12:40 PM on December 13, 2024 [7 favorites]


I don't have a manifesto. I have many barely started manifestos — each abandoned so I could start on the next.
posted by maurice at 12:45 PM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


I dunno manifestos just seem like a lot of *work* that's all
posted by mazola at 12:46 PM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


"Unbutter" is sitting right there, waiting to be a sock

VIZZINI: BUTTER!
INIGO: I do not think it means what you think it means.
posted by doubleplus unbutter at 12:46 PM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


the Americanism "beanie"

This entry posted yesterday on the Separated by a Common Language blog indicates that the American usage of the term is likely an import from Australian English.
posted by downtohisturtles at 12:57 PM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


I have many barely started manifestos —

A multi-festo perhaps. A bundle, truncated and dead, having the same relation to a full manifesto as a bouquet of flowers has to a living plant.

Bouquets have their own kind of morbid beauty.
posted by doubleplus unbutter at 1:01 PM on December 13, 2024 [7 favorites]


At least a page on why my local library should not inter-file the science fiction books with the fantasy books. For the love of Robert Heinlein, PLEASE STOP DOING THIS!
posted by JonathanB at 1:05 PM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


You can be a Canadian citizen or use the expression “y’all” in conversation - not both.

Guilty, y'all. I plead dual citizenship as well.

But if due to American family training I can deliver a 'well bless your heart' in exactly the right tone do I get a pass?
posted by warriorqueen at 1:18 PM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


Are they Southern? Most likely!
posted by Kitteh at 1:21 PM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


I am not Canadian.
(They have great pools and waterparks, and such up in Canada. They seem like nice folks).

I did grow up in Kansas City, and have not yet been able to get y'all and Howdy! out of my speech. Not trying very hard, because those are awesome words...
posted by Windopaene at 1:28 PM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


A couple more ...

"begging the question" does not mean raising the question. Violators must take a class on logical fallacies.

People in fast cars who sit at the light forever and then go so slowly that the person behind them is stranded must exchange their shiny sports car for a parking meter buggy.
posted by chbrooks at 1:44 PM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


HURF DURF INCONCEIVABLE BUTTER EATERS
posted by Rumple at 1:48 PM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


500 pages on how Joaquin Phoenix's movie running style is superior to Tom Cruise's movie running style.

Tom Cruise runs a lot in movies, but he never catches up with anyone. In the Mission Impossible where he goes underwater, he gets burned by an old man. In the one where's he's dealing with the evil AI, a middle-aged woman toasts him.
posted by The_Vegetables at 1:51 PM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


"You guys" is not who we are. As in, "are you guys ready to order? etc." We are not you guys. We are your customers. Just fucking say "are you ready to order?" Thank you.
In exchange, people placing orders should practice basic courtesy while doing so. I have never worked as waitstaff, but I still bubble over with rage, or at least annoyance, when people say "gimme." As in, not "I'd like a burger and fries, please," but "gimme a burger and fries." (I know, it's the least among the indignities visited on waitstaff, but it's not nothing.)
posted by It is regrettable that at 1:52 PM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


these are all just bargain-bin bombastic lowercase pronouncements.
posted by busted_crayons at 1:54 PM on December 13, 2024 [14 favorites]


Is it really a manifesto at all if it doesn't contain MULTIPLE UPPERCASE WORDS for EMPHASIS?

(Un-Altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this Important INFORMATION is ENCOURAGED)
posted by Daily Alice at 2:00 PM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


IF the IMAGE isn't the RIGHT SIZE for your store sign or whatever, you CAN'T just STRETCH or SQUASH it so it FITS, you HAVE to CROP it or FIND a DIFFERENT IMAGE for FUCK'S SAKE!
posted by signal at 2:31 PM on December 13, 2024 [11 favorites]


Finally signal and Daily Alice are EMBRACING. The. MANIFESTO. Format!
posted by autopilot at 2:46 PM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


one might even say they're manimemos.
posted by Clowder of bats at 2:50 PM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


"...no corporate personhood until and unless we determine a manner by which corporations may be jailed/executed as per the laws of the appropriate jurisdiction...",
including the age of the corporation. No political contributions unless the corp is 18+.

The year 2000 was in the 20th century.

And shouldn't the plural be 'manifesti'?
posted by MtDewd at 2:52 PM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


I don’t know, but this thread is making me feel manifestive!
posted by nickmark at 2:53 PM on December 13, 2024 [15 favorites]


The first draft of my manifesto was about 60 pages long. Since then, I've edited it down to:

"Please leave me alone."
posted by abraxasaxarba at 2:58 PM on December 13, 2024 [21 favorites]


I don’t know, but this thread is making me feel manifestive!

It's a new MetaFilter tradition, the airing of manifesti!
posted by mollweide at 3:12 PM on December 13, 2024 [12 favorites]


OK, we got to the didn't-read-the-book section of Metafilter Manifestos, so let me do Shakespeare!

"To sleep, perchance to dream..." is a grim phrase to put on bedroom decorations. It's the part of Hamlet's suicidal ideation where he considers if there will be an afterlife for him. It's a metaphor for some dark shit, and not what you want on a pretty cloud over your baby's cot.

"If music be the food of love, play on" is sweet and all, but read the next couple lines my dogg:
If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
It's "play on so that I vomit and purge all this horrible love from my body". It's literally the second half of the same sentence!
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 3:28 PM on December 13, 2024 [15 favorites]


Eighteen pages on why glass is not a liquid.
posted by blurker at 3:29 PM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


None of these are official manifestos since they do not follow Kim Mok's Manifesto Manifesto format

In that case, they're just sparkling rants.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 3:36 PM on December 13, 2024 [15 favorites]


Jibe means to fit with. Jive means jazz or swing music, the jargon of jazz musicians and enthusiast, or deceptive, nonsensical, or glib talk.

Jibe and jive are not the same word and do not mean the same thing.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 3:37 PM on December 13, 2024 [7 favorites]


today i was helping a student with their graduate school applications, specifically the "personal statement" bit, and they got lightly harangued to the tune of "'captivated' my arse; you mean 'very interested', tops". so i've already manifested today.

Eighteen pages on why glass is not a liquid.

once my colleague --- a fluid dynamicist --- and i were working a table at an open day for prospective students and he alleviated the tedium pretty effectively by delivering exactly that manifesto. i was, i daresay, very nearly captivated.
posted by busted_crayons at 3:43 PM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


Manifesto 2020 by The Horne Section
posted by knoxg at 3:46 PM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


once my colleague --- a fluid dynamicist --- and i were working a table at an open day for prospective students and he alleviated the tedium pretty effectively by delivering exactly that manifesto. i was, i daresay, very nearly captivated.

Beautiful. I once delivered my Glass is NOT a Liquid manifesto on stage in between songs with my a cappella group. Many were educated that evening!
posted by blurker at 3:49 PM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


Mod note: One comment removed. Please be considerate, respectful, and sensitive to context.

Calling for the haka to not be performed and framing it as the Māori people being unable to control themselves comes off as hateful and insensitive. MetaFilter is an inclusive space, avoid posting racial slurs or stereotypes
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 3:50 PM on December 13, 2024 [16 favorites]


Almost everything that's wrong with American politics is downstream of housing. Housing is fucked because of exclusionary zoning and because we treat it as an investment instead of a place to live. To fix the latter, we need land value taxes.
posted by novalis_dt at 3:52 PM on December 13, 2024 [13 favorites]


The Police's EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE and Sarah Mclachlan's POSSESSION are both sung from the POV of an obsessesive, controlling STALKER. Neither is romantic or APPROPRIATE for, let's say, a WEDDING ceremony.

The Gin Blossoms' FOUND ABOUT YOU is an EX-boyfriend STALKING and slut shaming his ex for DATING other men.
posted by signal at 3:57 PM on December 13, 2024 [9 favorites]


How cereal commercials have contributed to the downfall of society (not joking, this has bothered me since grade school)

Give the damn rabbit some cereal already! Why do you kids have to be such fucking pricks?! Jesus H. Fructose Corn Syrup just be nice for once
posted by a faded photo of their beloved at 3:59 PM on December 13, 2024 [7 favorites]


Billy Joel's Just the Way You Are* is a paean to mediocrity and undemanding stolidity, and as such is equally inappropriate for romantic events.

*Much as I love the Fender Rhodes playing
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:03 PM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


Gas powered leaf blowers are an abomination and are destroying the peace of our neighbourhoods. The sound of raking leaves is soothing and does no damage to the environment. Much re-education is needed.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 4:17 PM on December 13, 2024 [35 favorites]


While we’re on Billy Joel, Piano Man is not to be played at karaoke, on account of it being
22 weeks long, with only 2 seconds worth of unrepeated melody
posted by Jon Mitchell at 4:21 PM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


Ecology[…] has nothing to do with solar panels, EVs, recycling, energy efficient appliance, Whole Foods, or whatever else you just stuck eco- in front of for marketing purposes.

Pedanting harder: it does, but as eco-, of housekeeping.
posted by clew at 4:27 PM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


• You put ketchup in your remoulade???

• Tom Cruise runs real good.

• One hand for you, one for the boat.
posted by valkane at 4:28 PM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


The past tense verb "secreted" has two meanings with different origins and they should be pronounced differently.

If you mean it oozed some fluid, then it is the past tense of "to secrete", and that second 'e' is long and has the stress. It rhymes with "concreted".

If you mean "hid", then it is the past tense verb form of the noun "secret": the second 'e' is short, and the stress is on the first syllable. It rhymes with "ferreted".
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 4:32 PM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


DailyAlice, perhaps in the US, where the only "manifesto" anyone seems to encounter is Marx/Engels or a bunch of wild-eyed youths writing rambling calls to revolution. In most parliamentary democracies, each party publishes a manifesto as part of the election process. It's a series of promises about the policies they'll enact and goals they can achieve if given a chance at government, and is often held against a ruling party for "failing to fulfil a manifesto pledge".

So yes my notebook manifesto will contain pedantic explanations of the social role of manifestos in western democracy.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 4:37 PM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


Plus 1000 for all of the "words mean things" pedants.

#TeamPedant

obligatory Metafilter: #TeamPedant
posted by blurker at 4:42 PM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


Ecology[…] has nothing to do with solar panels, EVs, recycling, energy efficient appliance, Whole Foods, or whatever else you just stuck eco- in front of for marketing purposes.

Pedanting harder: it does, but as eco-, of housekeeping.


That would only make sense if that was the sense that marketers use eco-. But it isn't. Pedantry fail.
posted by hydropsyche at 4:58 PM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


Pedantry fail...or pedantry hat trick?
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 5:00 PM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


In most parliamentary democracies, each party publishes a manifesto as part of the election process.

In Canada this is called a platform.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 5:00 PM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


Billy Joel's Just the Way You Are* is a paean to mediocrity and undemanding stolidity, and as such is equally inappropriate for romantic events.

That... That sounds like it's exactly appropriate for a lot of romantic events. Have you seen most marriages?
posted by Dysk at 5:06 PM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


It's not aspirational, sure, but it's realistic, and you should celebrate what you have, not a fairy tale you don't.
posted by Dysk at 5:07 PM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


OK, we got to the didn't-read-the-book section of Metafilter Manifestos, so let me do Shakespeare!

Oh my yes, if I may continue? "Now is the Winter of our discontent made glorious Summer by this sun of York." It's a happy, victorious line, fitting for the first line of a tragedy (since everything is going to go to shit from there.) But folks seem to only know the first half and have no context for it.
posted by Navelgazer at 5:36 PM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


It's not aspirational, sure, but it's realistic

this is the manifesto thread tho.
posted by busted_crayons at 5:43 PM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


We should be realistic, not aspirational in our romantic song choices. The choice of song is not itself a manifesto. If your point is that the only appropriate songs for romantic occasions are ones that ignore reality for a sugary fairy tale of perfect, just so love, that's a statement to make. I happen to strenuously disagree with that statement, but furthermore, nobody has actually made it. "Realistic" is at a minimum not self-evidently worse than "aspirational" and my manifesto definitely has a section on unstated assumptions being bad, best avoided, and not heeded. Say what you mean, on the lines themselves, not between.
posted by Dysk at 5:48 PM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


If you want to refer to the Nobel winning author of 100 Years of Solitude by his last name(s), it's García Márquez, not just 'Márquez'.

And if you insist on referring to Leonardo as "Da Vinci", maybe just save us all the trouble and don't refer to him at all.
posted by signal at 5:50 PM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


Thank you, Navelgazer!

I also wince every time I hear the phrase "star-crossed lovers" used, and have to kind of squint to work out if the speaker actually understands that "star-crossed" means "cursed". It's an astrological reference, meaning that Romeo and Juliet's respective fates clashed in a fundamental way.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 6:05 PM on December 13, 2024 [5 favorites]


If your point is that the only appropriate songs for romantic occasions are ones that ignore reality for a sugary fairy tale of perfect

sorry; my point was just a dumb joke about manifestos (in the electoral case, for instance) often being aspirational instead of realistic.
posted by busted_crayons at 6:17 PM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


And my aspiration was for romantic song choices not to be!
posted by Dysk at 6:21 PM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


Jibe and jive are not the same word and do not mean the same thing.

So too tack and tact.
posted by nickmark at 6:23 PM on December 13, 2024 [9 favorites]


"It's pronounced, Billy Joe-el..."
posted by Windopaene at 6:28 PM on December 13, 2024 [1 favorite]


Regarding my sandwich, it would appear that M&S solve this by hyphenating it as "No Salt-Beef". I find this solution acceptable and let it be recorded in my manifesto that these copywriters are shown to be consistent with the political principles of Space Hobory.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 6:28 PM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


> Stop bunting

I keep scrolling past this and I don't know whether they mean baseball or fabrics draped and gathered for decoration and I don't care
posted by Rat Spatula at 6:51 PM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


Your assets have a net worth. You are a human being who would be degraded by being assigned a monetary value.

And, whenever the news describes some capitalist drain on society as "worth x billion dollars." No he isn't.
posted by zeptoweasel at 7:02 PM on December 13, 2024 [8 favorites]


I remember the first time I heard that construction about a person's "worth" was in the terrible 1990s Microsoft hagiography "Triumph of the Nerds". It was an interview clip of Steve Jobs saying "At one point I was worth..." and then some absurd number of millions of dollars. I remember balking and actually asking out loud "Wait, like, what, in a slave market or something? What the fuck?" and my friend just kind of shrugged and said "Nah, like stocks and shit, I think?"

I still to this day imagine people buying a controlling share in Steve Jobs and forcing him to perform manual labour every time a human is described as "worth" some amount of money. It just won't leave my head.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 7:08 PM on December 13, 2024 [6 favorites]


While we’re on Billy Joel, Piano Man is not to be played at karaoke, on account of it being
22 weeks long, with only 2 seconds worth of unrepeated melody


Counterpoint: consider the reading of the song in which it takes place at a gay bar (only male characters are mentioned) and the narrator is the only straight man there... or is he? "Man, what are you doin' here?", indeed.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:16 PM on December 13, 2024 [4 favorites]


Well, there's a waitress mentioned. So not 100% a sausage fest. (But it really is just a job for her.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:18 PM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


"We will leave this place an empty stone
Or that shining ball of blue, we can call our home..."

May all the Mefites have a great holiday season, no matter how angry you are about bad grammer and, things.

Fun thread.
(irregardless is unacceptable)
posted by Windopaene at 7:22 PM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


That this man’s manifesto about the evils of excessive power and the harms done by corporations given free rein has inspired a lot of folks to come clean about how they think other regular people are terrible … idk, I think we’re cooked.
posted by wemayfreeze at 8:19 PM on December 13, 2024 [2 favorites]


Young men should all learn this: when you start living with others, make sure to pee loudly into the toilet before or after a shower. You can be demonstrative about it but try not to over-egg the custard.

You will thus impress on the significant person or people in your home that you’re not the kind of guy who pees in the shower. This will give you free license to pee in the shower to your heart’s content, forever.

I know that’s what you really want. You can have your cake and eat it, too.

Someday you’ll thank me.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 8:26 PM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


Honestly. Just. Use. Celsius. All the time. All recipes.
posted by maupuia at 8:29 PM on December 13, 2024 [3 favorites]


There were a couple of posts above about A) Speakers at campsites and B) Leafblowers and I just want to say that I was once camping, not in the back country and the guy at the campsite next to ours used a leafblower on his campsite. In the forest. While camping.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:34 PM on December 13, 2024 [14 favorites]


Anyone who posts "I am large, I contain multitudes," who can not prove they've actually read Song of Myself and more-or-less sort of understood at least parts of it is sentenced to community service

Then make sure you're familiar with the complete works of Jonson and Shakspere (including how he spelled his name), Greek and Roman mythology, and the Old and New Testaments; and anyone here who talks about computers needs to have read some Thomas Browne.
posted by rory at 2:04 AM on December 14, 2024 [1 favorite]


[em] tags should only be used for emphasis. Using them to italicize titles is barbarism.

That's what cite is for.

Blame all those semantic web types of the early 2000s who insisted that we all stop using <i> and start using <em>, doubling our tag-typing workload overnight. And the idea that coders are going to use <cite> over a one- or two-letter alternative is optimistic in the extreme... plus it's just as wrong, wrong (note <em> tags), because a book title isn't a "cite", it's a title. Ah, but HTML can't use "title", because that's already used for the page itself. Yeah, well, then it's all a big kludge and we can just deal with it.

Screw you, XHTML, I'm going back to <i>. As for <strong> over <b>, don't get me started.
posted by rory at 2:11 AM on December 14, 2024 [5 favorites]


the only acceptable reason for having an 'Alumni' sticker on your car is if two passengers are both graduates [assuming both are male {dear god where does it end}]

After graduation I bought two stickers and cut them up - my car sticker said ‘Alumna.’
posted by bendy at 2:31 AM on December 14, 2024 [4 favorites]


Things that should stop.

Referring to some forms of work for the government as "serving". Maybe what the person is doing is good for the country, maybe it isn't. Especially in the case of elected officials, these are *jobs*.

I'm not sure if I'm being fair to military people by asking that their work not be referred to as service, but sometimes it's helpful and sometimes it isn't. Also, some people do useful, dangerous work as civilians, but it's not called service.

And politicians shouldn't be referred to as surviving or not surviving depending on whether they win an election.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 3:47 AM on December 14, 2024 [3 favorites]


No tiktok.
That's it, that's the manifesto.


Of all of these, this one appears to be achievable, as both Apple and Google have been alerted, via back channels, to be ready to pull the app from their stores around the end of January.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:25 AM on December 14, 2024 [1 favorite]


The Fisher Space Pen was not developed or funded by NASA. If you actually buy a Fisher Space Pen, you will get a little slip of paper with the origin story. You will learn how the inventor was visited in a dream by his late father, and told to solve a problem by applying rosin.

He tried rosin, and it did not work, but resin did. He doesn't explain how the ghost of his dad made this rookie mistake, but there's room for a dissertation there.

Every time this myth comes up, I deliver a long shaggy dog story about immune response in space and the Soviet worries about allergies and anaphylactic shock. It goes on for ages and name checks as many big names as possible (Korolev! Gagarin! Leonov! Tereshkova! Laika!) and spools out all sorts of ringers for those paying attention, signalling that the punchline is coming up:

"Finally, at the behest of Kruschev to save budgetary resources so that they could be applied to the famines that still affected the working people of the country, it was resolved that they would simply use an epi-pencil."
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 5:49 AM on December 14, 2024 [3 favorites]


Shaved sides/mohawks/voluntarily partly bald hairstyles all look bad. You do not look "cool," you look lopsided and cold.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:17 AM on December 14, 2024 [3 favorites]


‪@spiderkebab.bsky.social‬: With a Thanos style finger click the complete eradication of wind chimes last future present and forever.

@duckface.bsky.social‬: Some of the worst drivers I see are nearly always wearing hats. Therefore hat wearing drivers are a danger to society and will be dealt with accordingly.

@bookmanfilm.bsky.social‬: All farmers get to make a complaint once a year for no more than ten minutes. Five if they are complaining about the consequences of something they advocated for.
posted by Wordshore at 6:57 AM on December 14, 2024 [1 favorite]


Jenfullmoon, counterpoint: Naomi Nagata of The Expanse.
posted by novalis_dt at 6:57 AM on December 14, 2024 [4 favorites]


Of all of these, this one appears to be achievable, as both Apple and Google have been alerted, via back channels, to be ready to pull the app from their stores around the end of January.

Will they pull it worldwide? Because my manifesto was not limited to the US.
posted by signal at 8:09 AM on December 14, 2024 [2 favorites]


Public transit should be free at point of use. Active and public transport like bike lanes, trams, street cars, even rail lines used to transport people should be funded at rates no less than that devoted to roads servicing cars and trucks. Intercity rail must be funded at equal or greater rates than intercity roads. Public toilets should be readily available.

Because a quick Q&A will and should be faster!

At the expense of another person's time and attention!

I might be an introvert.
posted by Mitheral at 8:22 AM on December 14, 2024 [6 favorites]


Get rid of forks, your drawers should just have sporks, chopsticks, and knives. That’s kitchen drawers, you do you with the personal ones.

Oh, you want a fork for pasta? No, there are only shells or bowtie, stop it with long hair.

Every cross section should have a jammer to kill phones if you’re first in line. Drive damn you and stop holding up the line.

There should be dark chocolate versions of anything made with milk chocolate. Yes this needs to be a law.

Never say “is that the hill you want to die on” Henceforth it’s “is that the hill you’d kill for”
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:24 AM on December 14, 2024 [2 favorites]


I too have grown weary of these declarations to die on a hill. It's not true, so stop promising to.
posted by Rash at 9:11 AM on December 14, 2024 [2 favorites]


Currently relevant as I type this: Tambourine players in public libraries should be tasered.
posted by Wordshore at 9:17 AM on December 14, 2024 [6 favorites]


Someone up thread mentioned autoplaying videos.

The worst example I've ever seen was on an article about misophonia. It was a video close up of a chewing mouth WITH SOUND. On an article that is extremely likely to be read by, you know PEOPLE WITH MISOPHONIA
posted by Zumbador at 9:33 AM on December 14, 2024 [5 favorites]


“ The Fisher Space Pen was not developed or funded by NASA. If you actually buy a Fisher Space Pen, you will get a little slip of paper with the origin story. You will learn how the inventor was visited in a dream by his late father, and told to solve a problem by applying rosin.”

Bro I wish this were true but of the like seven Fischer space pens my husband and I have bought, not even one of them. All the other lies and bullshit in this thread can stand but for some reason this is My hill
posted by toodleydoodley at 9:52 AM on December 14, 2024 [1 favorite]


cereal commercials have contributed to the downfall of society I want to know more
posted by theora55 at 9:54 AM on December 14, 2024 [1 favorite]


entirely too accurate - Metafilter: Sparkling Rants
posted by theora55 at 9:55 AM on December 14, 2024 [2 favorites]


I am barge, HOONNNNNK
posted by lucidium at 10:56 AM on December 14, 2024 [3 favorites]


If your movie is over two hours there better be a damn good reason for it.
posted by downtohisturtles at 11:56 AM on December 14, 2024 [6 favorites]


toodleydoodley, you may be entitled to compensation. I bought the OG classic pen in the cardboard box back in 2002, and it absolutely came with a slip of paper that had all kinds of safety and import data on one side, and The Story Of The Pen on the other.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 11:57 AM on December 14, 2024 [2 favorites]


All this talk of <em> and <i> and no mention of the fact that some total maniac deprecated <center> without substituting a single goddamn thing to take its place without writing out a whole assfangled CSS exception in the middle of your little text with a centered item?

Looking back, I should have realized it was then, at that moment, that things began to fall apart. The blood-dimmed tide was loosed. The rough beast had opened one sleep-crusted eye. Darkness drops again; but now I know.
posted by taz at 4:04 PM on December 14, 2024 [10 favorites]


Get rid of forks, your drawers should just have sporks, chopsticks, and knives.

This seems extravagant and unnecessary. You could make do with just chopsticks and splades.
posted by Dysk at 4:31 PM on December 14, 2024 [1 favorite]


I gave up when they took "decimate".
posted by achrise at 4:46 PM on December 14, 2024 [1 favorite]


Mod note: [t'was the night before Manifesti, when all through the site ... Yes, yes, of course we added this to the sidebar and Best Of blog. Don't get me started.]
posted by taz (staff) at 1:29 AM on December 15, 2024 [5 favorites]


To all the "decimate" pedants, I must ask you: is English made better for having a word that means "destroy ⅒ of"? Is that a common or important enough occurrence to warrant coinage in this society? Does it outweigh the power of the term in its more common usage?

My manifesto is decidedly non-prescriptivist about this term specifically. The period in which its original meaning mattered is so far gone that it's just a different culture and language. It's shifted over time, and that's fine.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:11 AM on December 15, 2024 [4 favorites]


This may be England specific, or it may not:

1) Groups of extremely slow moving people who take up the entire width of the pavement should immediately move aside if someone quicker (usually 95% of the population) need to get past without having to walk in the road. They should not look surprised, astonished, that someone walking at greater than 0.2 miles per hour actually wants to get by and get all passive-aggressive about it. If they can't manage this very simple thing, then the whole group should be housebound for a month with only one candidate from them allowed to use pavements.

2a) People who suddenly stop at the end of escalators should also not be surprised that there are other people behind them who don't want to also suddenly stop, but go to where they are going. Again, housebound for a month.

2b) Ditto people who start to walk through a shop doorway then suddenly stop in the middle of it, blocking people from both entering or exiting the shop. Yet again, housebound for a month.
posted by Wordshore at 2:14 AM on December 15, 2024 [11 favorites]


Wordshore, you are an exemplar of mercy.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:47 AM on December 15, 2024 [2 favorites]


[In English]
Forte (pronounced four-tay) is an adjective that comes from the Italian word for 'loud'.
Forte (pronounced fort) is a noun that comes from the French word for 'strong'.
"This is my four-tay" means "this is my loud".
posted by MtDewd at 5:05 AM on December 15, 2024 [2 favorites]


The Italian word means "with strength", and inherits via Byzantine music the Greek notation "dynamis", which has the same denotation. Claims that it should be pronounced "fort" are an evergreen urban legend.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 5:36 AM on December 15, 2024 [9 favorites]


Shaved sides/mohawks/voluntarily partly bald hairstyles all look bad. You do not look "cool," you look lopsided and cold.

I gotta say, the shaved-sides-and-longer-top look (on men, for this discussion) always gives me the willies, as my mind immediately places the person solidly in 1930s Germany, and not as a good guy. It’s just a look that seems to fit well with a casting-call for “brownshirts,” regardless of how period-correct it may or may not be. It just fits.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:44 AM on December 15, 2024 [5 favorites]


To all the "decimate" pedants, I must ask you: is English made better for having a word that means "destroy ⅒ of"? Is that a common or important enough occurrence to warrant coinage in this society? Does it outweigh the power of the term in its more common usage?

Whatever marginal benefit a term for destroy 10% if might add to English, it's greater than yet another synonym for wreck, of which there are already many. Better to have a unique if niche word than one that's utterly redundant.
posted by Dysk at 5:55 AM on December 15, 2024 [3 favorites]


Looking back, I should have realized it was then, at that moment, that things began to fall apart.

Preach! What's the semantic web ever done for us, anyway? I'll tell you what: it's made it easier for LLMs to parse all the text they've scraped up of our collective efforts to turn into creative-labour-destroying generative AI bullshit. Use simple formatting tags and let them figure it out from context like a real intelligent being does! (Note <i> tags.)
posted by rory at 6:32 AM on December 15, 2024 [5 favorites]


Maybe we could just add prefixes to -decimate to define the percentage destroyed, with diodecimate being 20% destroyed, septadecimate 70%, and so on. I’m sure that will make everyone happy.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:29 AM on December 15, 2024 [9 favorites]


"This is my fort" means I'm showing you my edifice of couch cushions.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:19 AM on December 15, 2024 [6 favorites]


While we’re on Billy Joel, Piano Man is not to be played at karaoke, on account of it being 22 weeks long, with only 2 seconds worth of unrepeated melody.

I would substitute Anything By Billy Joel for Piano Man in your comment.

Oh, do not get me going on Billy Joel.

I have vented not once but twice in the past about having to endure his, in my humble opinion, rancid schtick in person.

*if not thrice

**Note to self: always search first for the first time you have said what you are about to say at the moment*

posted by y2karl at 10:58 AM on December 15, 2024 [3 favorites]


Shaved sides/long top became a fascist style along with moustaches because both were compatible with military helmets and gas masks.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 11:22 AM on December 15, 2024 [3 favorites]


Broccoli will be compulsory.
posted by Wordshore at 12:07 PM on December 15, 2024 [2 favorites]


Only if it is overcooked.

The same is doubly true of spinach and trebly true of Brussel sprouts.
posted by y2karl at 1:11 PM on December 15, 2024 [1 favorite]


Love broccoli.
Hate Brussel Sprouts now matter how much bacon you wrap around them...

Let's not talk about bad Endive.
posted by Windopaene at 1:25 PM on December 15, 2024 [1 favorite]


"Bad Endive" was my stage name at a vegan stripper bar.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:28 PM on December 15, 2024 [7 favorites]


Shaved sides/long top became a fascist style along with moustaches because both were compatible with military helmets and gas masks.

I think it's worth noting that the undercut is a fascist haircut on men. It's also one of the standard issue lesbian haircuts, no fascism.
posted by Dysk at 4:10 PM on December 15, 2024 [6 favorites]


SPIDER. HYPHEN. MAN.

Just saw a variation of the meme of a woman and man in bed, both awake, her staring at him suspiciously, him looking away, worried:

Her: I bet he's thinking about other women.
Him: Why is Batman one word, Iron Man two words, and Spider-man two words with a dash?
posted by Wordshore at 9:26 AM on December 16, 2024 [7 favorites]


I love this thread.

My manifesto for today is TAKE CARE. Interpret it as you will.

Also: Mies van der Rohe's first names were Ludwig Maria. And the van der Rohe part was just something he added for fun, not his real name. But it stuck.
posted by mumimor at 3:22 PM on December 16, 2024 [3 favorites]


Hotel room bathrooms should *not* have sliding barn-style doors.
posted by Roommate at 4:30 PM on December 16, 2024 [6 favorites]


Could be worse. I stayed in a fancy expensive hotel where the bathroom had glass walls.
posted by fimbulvetr at 5:32 PM on December 16, 2024 [3 favorites]


Also, door-less hotel room bathrooms should not exist.
posted by ishmael at 11:55 PM on December 16, 2024 [3 favorites]


Hate Brussel Sprouts now matter how much bacon you wrap around them...

Roasting or flash frying is the way.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:04 AM on December 17, 2024 [3 favorites]


"God damn it, you've got to be kind." — Kurt Vonnegut
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 4:40 AM on December 17, 2024 [3 favorites]


re brussel sprouts, the best way to prepare them is compost
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:52 AM on December 17, 2024 [5 favorites]


Rolling in late (thanks sidebar!)

There was a "controversial opinion" icebreaker at work. Which in and of itself could be controversial - do you really want your coworkers airing their weird screeds to the rest of the team? There was one person who couldn't stop talking about how great Putin was - and it was literally days after Russia invaded Ukraine.

I had to come up with a controversial opinion that was not going to be too political and here is my manifesto:

Every car on the road should be limited to 85mph/135kph. That's it. That's all you need. That will let you go over the speed limit without being in stunt-driving territory. That's plenty to get past a truck that already has a limiter on it. Want to go faster? Go to a race track. There is absolutely no reason we as a society set speed limits yet do not require cars to physically adhere to those limits. The only people who will disagree with this are dangerous drivers, "muh freedoms" libertarians, or Germans.
posted by thecjm at 6:23 AM on December 17, 2024 [10 favorites]


Same as the above, but 20mph/30kph in towns. If you are within a mile of a junction of any sort, you need to drive like there are children crossing the road at all times.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 8:58 AM on December 17, 2024 [6 favorites]


And the idea that coders are going to use cite over a one- or two-letter alternative is optimistic in the extreme... plus it's just as wrong, wrong (note em tags), because a book title isn't a "cite", it's a title.

"The cite HTML element is used to mark up the title of a cited creative work."
posted by kirkaracha at 3:57 PM on December 17, 2024 [3 favorites]


Same as the above, but 20mph/30kph in towns.

20mph, same as in town.
posted by kirkaracha at 3:58 PM on December 17, 2024 [4 favorites]


In any forum that is open to people of different countries, like, say, this one, one shouldn't assume that phrases like "95% of people like cats" are implicitely scoped to the US.
One should always either specify what country or countries one is scoping one's comment to, or let it be understood that "95% of people" with no modifiers refers to 95% of humanity.
posted by signal at 5:48 PM on December 17, 2024 [6 favorites]


Never mind hotel room bathrooms, some British trains have lavatories with a sliding electronic door which you have to trust will not open of its own accord while you're sitting bare-assed and facing the waiting passengers outside.
posted by Paul Slade at 1:05 PM on December 18, 2024 [3 favorites]


Paul Slade, I am now duty-bound to link this comment about exactly that type of door.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 1:17 PM on December 18, 2024 [2 favorites]


"The cite HTML element is used to mark up the title of a cited creative work."

What is this HT... M... L... of which you speak?

The word cite, on the other hand, is a verb, and one that doesn't mean "title". Don't go getting all Red Queen on us, W3C.
posted by rory at 2:27 PM on December 18, 2024 [2 favorites]


Please keep in mind that if verbing weirds language, nouning normals it.
posted by signal at 3:23 PM on December 18, 2024 [3 favorites]


Even if you nounificate it, the noun won't mean "title".

Meanwhile, the I button on our comment boxes wraps words in <em> tags...
posted by rory at 3:46 PM on December 18, 2024 [1 favorite]


I could give a big disquisition on the <cite> element and its history, including why it's currently used for the titles of works but not the authors and how that is entirely the fault of the WHAT-WG and how they were incredible dipshits about it, but i don't think anyone other than me actually cares, tbh.
posted by adrienneleigh at 4:10 PM on December 18, 2024 [2 favorites]


But for those who do, feast your eyes on this world of pain.

I was just exaggerating for comic effect in my initial comment about i/em/cite, but in the days since I've been strongly tempted to go back to <i> and <b> exclusively. This <cite> business sure isn't a good advertisement for semantic HTML.
posted by rory at 6:09 PM on December 18, 2024 [1 favorite]


You want to use annihilate, not decimate. DECIMATE HAS A STRICT MEANING AND YOU CAN TELL WHAT IT MEANS BECAUSE THE WORD STARTS WITH DEC. Like ten! Like decimal! DEC DEC DEC DEC DEC.

I actually think people are mixing up devastate and decimate.
posted by srboisvert at 6:14 PM on December 18, 2024 [2 favorites]


Reminds me of people who refuse to accept that you can use literally metaphorically.
posted by signal at 7:07 PM on December 18, 2024 [4 favorites]


Please keep in mind that if verbing weirds language, nouning normals it.

Hey chatgpt give me this in a Calvin and Hobbes panel with them standing in front of the Transmogrifier with the quoted text being Hobbes' text bubble response to Calvin.
posted by achrise at 7:50 PM on December 18, 2024 [1 favorite]


Let the discombobulation begin.
posted by y2karl at 7:52 PM on December 18, 2024 [1 favorite]


you can use literally metaphorically.

Or "up" to mean "down", presumably?
posted by Paul Slade at 5:10 AM on December 19, 2024 [1 favorite]


Yes, that's what it reminds me of, thank you!
posted by signal at 6:19 AM on December 19, 2024 [1 favorite]


Relevant
(unless your manifesto repudiates Clippy, I suppose)
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:31 AM on December 19, 2024 [2 favorites]


I actually think people are mixing up devastate and decimate.

Leaving aside that I am a prescriptivist: I think a lot of people in English think that “decimate” means “reduce to one-tenth” rather than “reduce by one-tenth.” But the similarity with devastate is probably the root cause.
posted by thecaddy at 11:56 AM on December 19, 2024 [1 favorite]


Not to well, actually you, but the Cambridge dictionary defines decimate as:

to kill a large number of something, or to reduce something severely.

I feel the decimate 'prescriptivists' are committing the fairly common error of confusing etymology with semantics.
posted by signal at 3:56 PM on December 19, 2024 [6 favorites]


Oh my god I am losing it this week. I am a *descriptivist*, dammit! I use decimate in the “reduce to ten percent” sense all the time when I’m speaking.

(When I’m writing I try not to use it because I try to be as precise as possible. Except when I use the exact opposite term to describe myself than what I meant. Sleep: that’s where I’m a Viking.)
posted by thecaddy at 6:58 PM on December 19, 2024 [3 favorites]


Light Linux installations on old business class Thinkpads, Syncthing, plain text and markdown. No more stupid proprietary Ed Tech. Stop making teachers into crappy mental health counselors. Getting angry at the mods will not fix your life. No $2600 MacBooks for chairs who only use the browser. Corporate education is not more efficient. Bring back the middle class.
posted by mecran01 at 9:32 PM on December 19, 2024 [5 favorites]


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