Drew Magary's yearly hate-post!

December 20, 2024 7:56 AM

The 2024 Hater’s Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog Festivus Airing of Grievances season has officially started!
posted by indianbadger1 (62 comments total)

Always a fun read...

Wish I knew where my Champagne saber is.
posted by Windopaene at 8:10 AM on December 20 [2 favorites]

I just started reading, but is peppermint bark honestly going for $60 now? Wow.
posted by mochapickle at 8:21 AM on December 20 [1 favorite]

Harry Potter and the

Harvard-bound mallows
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:31 AM on December 20 [8 favorites]

I'd expect to see hideous red wine glasses like that in somewhere like Ruby Tuesdays or Chili's, not Williams-Sonoma.

No, wait, I take that back - what was I thinking? Williams-Sonoma is absolutely the place for garish crap.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:36 AM on December 20 [1 favorite]

Yeah, those wine glasses are hideous. But while I'd never spend a year's salary on a fridge, at least it's fun.
posted by coffeecat at 8:39 AM on December 20

Are we doing this again? Of course we are. Look at the snark! Snicker at the anhedonia! Savor every flavor-blasted chunk of late-stage capitalism critique!

Just kidding. I love this shit.
posted by slogger at 8:39 AM on December 20 [2 favorites]

Brass salt and pepper shakers: just the thing for MAGA gun nuts who are looking for "essence of bullet casings" on their dining table.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:40 AM on December 20 [7 favorites]

Ngl, I like the absolutely wonderfully tacky SMEG fridges. I will never have 50K for such tat but I do like it because it's vibrant and deeply weird.
posted by Kitteh at 8:44 AM on December 20 [10 favorites]

looking for "essence of bullet casings" on their dining table

I was honestly surprised he didn't mention this.
posted by mollweide at 8:45 AM on December 20 [1 favorite]

I like saying the word "SMEG"
posted by Windopaene at 8:47 AM on December 20 [1 favorite]

I like saying the word "SMEG"

I guess those Italians never watched Red Dwarf
posted by Kitteh at 8:50 AM on December 20 [11 favorites]

A "five-star rimjob" absolutely needs to be offered in next year's catalog! Surely someone would pay top dollar for it.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:52 AM on December 20 [3 favorites]

wouldn't that be five rimjobs? * * * * *
posted by seanmpuckett at 8:53 AM on December 20 [4 favorites]

Thank you. It wouldn't be the holidays without the snark.

I divide the WS items into two categories:
1) Sure, that looks good, but I'll get it for a fraction of the price elsewhere. This is mostly food, but could be things like plates or small appliances. For example, I just got some gourmet marshmallows for $3 or $4 from Aldi, rather than $14.95.
2) What the FUCK? E.g., the champagne saber.

Reading about the latter is more entertaining, because I get to feel that I have superior taste, not just superior shopping skills.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 8:54 AM on December 20

I've been toying with the idea of starting a smoked meats company, although I deeply loathe doing marketing and sales and all that shit. Also I now realize that my doubts about product pricing could be overcome if I just ladle white chocolate peppermint bark over the bacon, package it in a suitably garish tin (my personal aesthetic anyway) and charge 1,000 times more than originally intended.

Fun fact: you can "saber" a properly chilled bottle of champagne with a goddamn spoon, a screwdriver, any somewhat hefty tool with enough of a ridge to catch the bottle neck lip. For a modest* fee I will show you how, or drench myself in bacon and peppermint bark and do this at your holiday party. Book your spooning now!

*a gajillion simoleons
posted by winesong at 8:58 AM on December 20 [6 favorites]

Archived for your hating pleasure. This and Barry Petchesky’s annual rundown of foreign bodies extracted from various bodily orifices each year are two of the high points of my holiday season!
posted by TedW at 9:04 AM on December 20 [2 favorites]

One of my neighbors has the enormous blue stove that everyone who has ever gone into a WS has seen and wondered "who would buy one of those?" The best part is that the ovens - both of them! - are never used because it turns out having an oven without a window is wildly impractical. They have a separate pair of wall-mounted ovens. Their kitchen is ridiculous. They are also excellent chefs.
posted by grumpybear69 at 9:07 AM on December 20

I have never understood the appeal of saber-opening a bottle of champagne. Every example I’ve seen of someone dong this (even actual trained servers) usually results in about a third of the contents foaming out onto the floor. Such a waste. Quadruply-so if you’re foaming-out a nice bottle of Dom.
posted by Thorzdad at 9:09 AM on December 20 [1 favorite]

Fun fact: you can "saber" a properly chilled bottle of champagne with a goddamn spoon, a screwdriver, any somewhat hefty tool with enough of a ridge to catch the bottle neck lip.

Sabrage previously on MeFi! After seeing that post I had to try it for myself; I can vouch for the efficacy of the back side of a heavy chef’s knife for popping the top off a cheap bottle of sparkling wine. And of course, if it wasn’t forged in the Champagne region of France, it isn’t a champagne sabre, it’s just an overpriced knife with a curved blade.
posted by TedW at 9:11 AM on December 20 [3 favorites]

And MERRY CHRISTMAS! My gosh, I can finally say it! No more "happy holidays" or any of that nonsense. Doesn't it feel great? You and I can talk like normal people again!

This is some excellently written snark. I love it.
posted by Vatnesine at 9:20 AM on December 20 [2 favorites]

The fuck does "organic appeal" even mean here?

This is the question of the ages.
posted by Ashwagandha at 9:23 AM on December 20 [2 favorites]

Wouldn't salt react with the brass salt shaker. Maybe they're lined with something to prevent corrosion.
posted by Czjewel at 9:41 AM on December 20

those fridges *shudder*
posted by supermedusa at 9:46 AM on December 20 [3 favorites]

Yeah, imagine stumbling into the kitchen every morning and turning on the light, only for your eyes to be viciously assaulted by that eye-searing monstrosity.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:50 AM on December 20 [2 favorites]

He had me at "sucrose gravel."
posted by HillbillyInBC at 9:54 AM on December 20 [3 favorites]

I'm only halfway through but I like the "I've absolutely fucking had it" tone this year because me too, Magary. Me fucking too.

If you want to give me a Christmas gift ask me who my bail bondsman is in a few days.
posted by East14thTaco at 9:58 AM on December 20 [4 favorites]

Reading these catalog excerpts and commentary bring to mind John Prine:

"There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes. And Jesus died for something, I suppose."

Especially applicable to President Apartheid Space Cowboy and his ventriloquist dummy Don Jabba the Hutt.
posted by effluvia at 10:04 AM on December 20 [8 favorites]

Just finished. The bar cart genuinely offended me. That's a month's rent in Marshmallow Land.
posted by East14thTaco at 10:19 AM on December 20

OK, those white plates are inoffensive enough until you get to the price tag. £139.99 PER SETTING?! F*** off.
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 10:24 AM on December 20 [1 favorite]

But hey, at least they're big enough to hold proper 'Murican-size portions!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:34 AM on December 20 [1 favorite]

I would have thought that the sort of people who open that many champagne bottles would have an actual saber lying about and some family member* who knew how to use it properly. But then again, this catalogue is for parvenus.

* or at least a servant
posted by outgrown_hobnail at 10:40 AM on December 20 [2 favorites]

Don't you wonder why we don't open more things with swords in this country? Why I am opening this box of Raisin Bran Crunch with my hands, like a fucking socialist?

QFT
posted by chavenet at 10:44 AM on December 20 [6 favorites]

Being hoi polloi,I have no clue about sabering anything, so I looked it up. So, if I win the lottery, and go to a fancy French restaurant, do I risk being hit by a flying champagne bottle neck, with cork, and cage? Is my dinner free if I get nailed? Are any party planners secretly conspiring to serve champagne like this at health insurance exec gatherings?
posted by njohnson23 at 11:04 AM on December 20 [1 favorite]

The salt and pepper shakers are weirdly affordable and cheaper than the bark.
posted by atomicstone at 11:08 AM on December 20

Do rich people actually use sabers to open champagne? I always assumed it was some sort of extravagant display for not-rich people to pretend that they are rich before they lose a thumb.
posted by mochapickle at 11:22 AM on December 20 [3 favorites]

The salt and pepper shakers are weirdly affordable and cheaper than the bark.

The peppermint bark is worse than the pepper bite?
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:26 AM on December 20 [4 favorites]

I can “saber” any bottle of beer or champagne with a spatula, you bougie motherfuckers!
posted by tristeza at 11:28 AM on December 20

There are panettone in the same circus+ colorful designs as the SMEG fridges, and only a bit more expensive than other imported panettone. (People in Italy — are they expensive there?)

I am sitting with the champagne saber’s stand being “sustainably sourced”.
posted by clew at 11:36 AM on December 20

The print W-S catalog I received was like 85% expensive coffee machines. Page after page.
posted by armacy at 11:39 AM on December 20

(Online there are much cheaper panettone. But the bright colored ones are in a tin, so at least you get to keep the colorful ness.)
posted by clew at 11:41 AM on December 20

Yeah, imagine stumbling into the kitchen every morning and turning on the light, only for your eyes to be viciously assaulted by that eye-searing monstrosity.

That's not a kitchen fridge, that's a fridge you get for the bar in the guest house
posted by Dr. Twist at 11:47 AM on December 20 [3 favorites]

I have never understood the appeal of saber-opening a bottle of champagne.

Wait until you're served it by a lesbian redhead in a hussar uniform.
posted by MartinWisse at 12:09 PM on December 20 [8 favorites]

I have grown so concerned re: the sabering that I have just contacted a sommelier friend who was just like me until his life took him to loftier places, who assures me that 1) yes, it's a thing, 2) it's not just for rich people, 3) there are multiple types of implements possible in addition to sabers, and 4) there's a distinct and exhilarating feeling that comes when decapitating something.
posted by mochapickle at 12:16 PM on December 20 [4 favorites]

Sabering I dig, but that's a really boring-looking knife to do it with.
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 12:26 PM on December 20

Why I am opening this box of Raisin Bran Crunch with my hands, like a fucking socialist?

Don’t be half-assed; use a sickle like a true communist!
posted by TedW at 12:34 PM on December 20 [6 favorites]

Sabering I dig, but that's a really boring-looking knife to do it with.

perhaps a two-person team and do it with a Bat'leth?
posted by Dr. Twist at 12:45 PM on December 20 [1 favorite]

Try filling your jewel cut wine glass with wrung out fentanyl swabs!

That sounds a little extreme. Maybe just a fentanyl-rimmed glass?
posted by slogger at 12:50 PM on December 20

Subscribe to Defector. It’s fantastic, worker owned and takes no shit. Also subscribe to Rolling Stone, Teen Vogue, ProPublica, Mother Jones, Texas Observer, Bellingcat and anyone else who gives a shit about what’s going on in this increasingly insane country.
posted by WatTylerJr at 12:53 PM on December 20 [10 favorites]

Sabering I dig

Sabers are terrible for digging, try a spade instead.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:54 PM on December 20 [1 favorite]

Sandy Toksvig doing a sabrage on QI YouTube
posted by The otter lady at 1:00 PM on December 20 [2 favorites]

Wikipedia: "The first glass poured should also be checked for small glass shards." Sounds great! Nothing enhances the enjoyment of champagne as much as the frisson of worrying about lacerating one's oesophagus.
posted by cyanistes at 1:03 PM on December 20 [2 favorites]

You can saber open any beverage container if you try hard enough and believe in yourself
posted by gottabefunky at 1:10 PM on December 20 [3 favorites]

I have always understood a saber to be a pretty long-ass, slightly curved sword. That "saber" looks more like a kitchen knife.

Wikipedia's page on the practice of opening a bottle of champagne with a saber does show something similar to the knife on offer halfway down the entry. So I guess I'm just a misinformed member of the hoi polloi. The only time I ever drink champagne is when I'm starting my morning with a mimosa, and it's pretty cheap stuff, anyway.
posted by egypturnash at 1:16 PM on December 20

If I'm going to sabre open a champagne bottle, it'll be with an actual sabre. I mean, why go half-way when you have the chance to be completely extra. I'm sure displaying a sword on my bar in proximity to a bunch of prospective drunks couldn't possibly go wrong. Right?
posted by ninazer0 at 2:15 PM on December 20 [1 favorite]

Whyyyyy are the Fancy Wine Goblets covered in tiiiiny teeeth ?
posted by Faintdreams at 2:26 PM on December 20

While you were partying, I studied the champagne-opening saber
posted by phooky at 2:43 PM on December 20 [4 favorites]

I can vouch for the entirely satisfactory feeling of properly sabering a bottle. Especially with outlandish knives and swords. I'm always the sober one, so I was trained up when everyone else was still sober for later, when everyone else shouldn't be allowed pointy objects, and gosh it's a party trick that always pays off. Practicing with various swords was also fun, though the moment when I accidentally decapitated an entire box of limoncello cans with a historical samurai katana stuck with me. It was during my wind up, practicing angles. Barely had any force, and yet! Surprise! Swords can be --sharp--.
posted by foxtongue at 3:10 PM on December 20 [2 favorites]

having an oven without a window is wildly impractical

It very much takes all kinds, but I had to say this statement was wild to me! I have a window on my oven and almost never use it. I can comfortably say that I wouldn't miss it at all. I'm a solid home cook and use my oven a lot.
posted by Carillon at 3:18 PM on December 20 [7 favorites]

Tl;dr, retailers! You gotta double-distill that shit down to something the average American—who believes that the COVID vaccine was invented by the space people—can understand what you're talking about.

posted by y2karl at 3:39 PM on December 20

You all are so...common. I never settle for less than Bret Saberhagen opening my champagne for me with a fastball, kind of like how Randy Johnson disappeared that pigeon. (We use Randy Johnson to serve the Arancini Bites)
posted by Literaryhero at 4:37 PM on December 20 [3 favorites]

I feel like "opens a bottle of champagne with a bloodstained machete" is the vibe I would go for.
posted by The otter lady at 5:09 PM on December 20 [1 favorite]

Saith The evil otter lady.
posted by y2karl at 5:15 PM on December 20 [1 favorite]