and, when the time comes to let it go

December 31, 2024 1:53 PM

My Friend Chooses How and When to Die, by Jeannette Cooperman for The Common Reader
posted by latkes (23 comments total)

I hope I can face death like this...

What a great read.
posted by Windopaene at 2:04 PM on December 31, 2024 [4 favorites]

This is lucid and deeply moving.
posted by minervous at 3:08 PM on December 31, 2024 [2 favorites]

I didn’t plan on starting 2025 with a cry, but it seems fitting. What a lovely piece.
posted by web-goddess at 3:27 PM on December 31, 2024 [2 favorites]

I can't read this just yet but I will

A friend chose her end on Dec. 16th, we are still pretty raw about it
posted by ginger.beef at 3:56 PM on December 31, 2024 [7 favorites]

I haven't finished reading this yet, but thanks for sharing it.
posted by justkevin at 4:09 PM on December 31, 2024

I got about halfway. I am not comfortable thinking about all that just now (possibly ever, but definitely not now).
posted by Glinn at 5:18 PM on December 31, 2024

Profound, disturbing, compelling, what a ride. I'm old enough that it plants a seed...really appreciate you posting this!
posted by mygraycatbongo at 5:52 PM on December 31, 2024 [3 favorites]

Wow. Just wow.

.
posted by lalochezia at 5:59 PM on December 31, 2024

.
posted by Pouteria at 6:01 PM on December 31, 2024

I wonder if she had ever had to deal with suicidal ideation. Feelings of wanting to die for some of us is a thing that acts like a red flag, that says "hey you are not doing so well, time to work on your mental health." If I got to her place in life would I be able to be sure I was making a choice rather than following that voice? Can't say, I'm not there yet.
posted by emjaybee at 8:18 PM on December 31, 2024 [5 favorites]

I couldn't have children, so I often think very hard about what the waning years of my life will look like. I devour stories like this, where people take control of their end. Thanks to this article ("Why I Hope to Die", The Atlantic, link goes to archive.is; also previously), I already decided that in the year or so preceding the age 83 I'll start declining tests and medical procedures that are not palliative in nature. Naturally, this is all subject to change.

Ann's story is a little bit thrilling, but when I Googled the Final Exit Network to read more about their advocacy, Google tossed up hotlines and a few mental health links before I reached the actual organization's site. Annnd that scared me off. It's still so taboo and feels like a different flavor of suicidal ideation (on preview, yes emjaybee!). But I'd love to be able to tie up the loose ends of my life on my own.

Thank you for posting this.
posted by kimberussell at 8:26 PM on December 31, 2024 [6 favorites]

When I say that I have been firmly on both sides of this question with regard to my own life, I don't mean "maybe." I'm an autistic woman over 50, life has been difficult, and aging isn't fun in any case.

But I'm now on the side of "physical death will come when it comes." God willing that will never change. The modern secular mindset holds that physical death is The Worst Thing That Can Happen To A Person. I don't believe that at all, not anymore.

At one point, a few years back, I procured the means to end things myself. I have little doubt but that those means would have proved "successful." Even so, as an "insurance policy," I also looked into one of those associations that purports to help you along. The experience with the association was actively toxic, and I'm happy to answer questions about that via DM. I nearly had to take legal action against them. Buyer beware.

With regard to the means I procured to end things myself: it was when I let go of those means, under no compulsion whatsoever, that my life took a major turn for the BETTER. This was almost three years ago and I wouldn't change a thing.

That being said: I do advocate for advance directives and living wills, especially in the United States so that the health-care racket doesn't make a billing bonanza out of you.

Like I said, happy to answer questions and chat more via DM, God willing.
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 11:05 PM on December 31, 2024 [5 favorites]

Oke, ackn, tnx. My FiL died at the end of Oct, aged 99, last of his [N=13] sibship, and last of our parents. That shuffles me to the front of us penguins on the edge of the local ice-floe. Am ready and steady.
My latest ear-'book' is a podcast series We Need to Talk About Death led by UK journalist Joan Bakewell at age 85. It addresses such end-of-life issues as burial at sea; donation for dissection; coroners and inquests; Cheyne-Stokes; the cost of it all. 9 x 40min episodes.
posted by BobTheScientist at 1:08 AM on January 1 [4 favorites]

What an incredible woman. I once went to a Death Cafe and met a woman who had made her own urn, and thought that was pretty cool. I myself have started a powerpoint to be presented at my funeral, and love planning this exit party. There will be piñatas. Piñatas that are secretly full of cash. Upsides to having no dependents to leave my inheritance to.

The idea that I can access MAID if/when I'm ready is a deep comfort and relief to me, especially given I have no kids, an older partner, and feel it's likely I'll be quite alone as I enter the Final Phase. Bodily autonomy in life and also in death yesss.
posted by EarnestDeer at 3:35 AM on January 1 [6 favorites]

I've seen more than my share of bad deaths, those kept "alive" long after the person has gone. And I've seen those who wished for death, their bodies failing but not failing enough. Medicine says "do no harm" but it doesn't always understand what "harm" means.

It's likely my Catholic upbringing but I am, as the author, uncomfortable with doing something like this myself. Yet I'm at an age where the specter of decline is standing right in front of me and I can imagine a day when that discomfort might disappear.
posted by tommasz at 5:37 AM on January 1 [3 favorites]

For many years, it has been my intention to choose the time, place and manner of my death. It seems like a rational way to deal with an inescapable part of one's existence. For now, it remains an intention rather than an actual plan, but this article reminds me that there's good cause not to procrastinate about at least making a plan. This year my wife and I took the time to set up our retirement and to make wills, so why would we not also look at a plan for death itself.

Six months ago, I sat next to my mother on the day she died, listening to her agonal breaths as they shuddered. She had been getting sicker and sicker since Christmas, in and out of the hospital with no clear diagnosis or treatment plan from her doctors. Eventually the doctors decided they could do no more and sent her to a nursing home. We visited her there and by then she was emaciated and so weak that sitting up was a struggle. She demanded to go home, where she could die in her own house, and a week later she did. It was not peaceful or the feeling of a life completed. It was merely the end to unnecessary suffering. My wife's parents both died nine months before that, and their ends were even worse. How can anyone think that's a "proper" way to die?

I am "only" 61, and imagine (whether true or not) that I might live for another 20 years, so making specific plans for my death are probably still premature, but not so premature as to not begin the business of thinking about what I want and at what point I would be able to say "no more".
posted by briank at 7:02 AM on January 1 [7 favorites]

In Canada, medically assisted death legislation is relatively recent and there is controversy on how individuals might seek MAID for reasons that are not optimal

The 2 people I know of personally chose MAID over death by debilitating illness, and both had pursued more standard medical interventions for a period prior to choosing MAID. They both had families and friends who cared for and about them and communities that felt their absence. Their situations are what informed MAID legislation in this country. I don't personally know people who lean into MAID out of desperation and lack of support, but that's where the controversy inheres.
posted by ginger.beef at 8:44 AM on January 1 [2 favorites]

This is a powerful essay, and more than anything I am impressed that Anne's family of origin seems to have been so happy and lovely, and the same with her own kids (modulo the awful spouse, but hooray for the very forward-thinking therapist).

There's a quite excellent Frontline doc called "The Suicide Plan" that talks to volunteers for The Final Exit Network (and covers a couple of criminal charges against them in 2 deaths, in which I think the D.A.s were quite ridiculous) -- I am not surprised that you had a weird and off-putting, even creepy, experience with such a group, rabia.elizabeth. I think they are quite evangelical, in part because of the weight of the prejudice against planned deaths. It can feel cultish, but many of the volunteers are clearly quite grounded and thoughtful.

My concern about decriminalization is always about ableism and the way the pressure to choose death will always fall more heavily on those who are disabled, chronically ill, and poor (in any combination). I'd be much more sanguine about it if we had managed to create a society that genuinely supported those who were disabled or ill and found real meaning in their lives.

But Anne's choice here seems quite rational -- the fear of falling and being seriously injured or developing a terrible infection is real.

The bit in the essay where the author notes that our pets don't mind being dependent and taken care of? That hit hard. If only we could be so generous, on both sides, to each other.

I've often thought that if I were to purposely die, I would want to do it in the woods, where I feel somehow safe, unafraid of causing mess, and where mammalian death is so normal. (I know, the trauma of finding a human body in the woods? yikes!) But that's extremely hypothetical.

Sorry for the ramble. Awesome essay.
posted by allthinky at 9:04 AM on January 1 [4 favorites]

I spent last night at the Senior's Centre in our small town, where the local big band was playing. At 9:00 pm PST the Times Square countdown was projected on the wall, champagne was served, and by 9:30 people were heading home. So sensible! The dance floor had been full, both with old hippies ("Right on, sisters!" said one pony-tailed elder who was reminiscing about the 1970 Isle of Wight Festival, and who recognized that we two women were married, a bit later in the conversation) and octogenarian dancing couples who were moving with, if not perfect grace, at least well-earned dignity. The crowd were true boomers, 10 to 15 years older than us overall, and they were dancing to their parent's music at first, the big hits from Glenn Miller et al, and later on covers from the 60s and 70s.

As often happens these days, the conversation at the table turned to our parents, if still living, and then, inevitably, to MAID. Everyone at the table was in favour of it and some were already making their arrangements. No one wanted to exist as my mother in law does, constantly furious at what has happened to her ability to think and remember--she was a filmmaker and journalist--and stuck in a room which she refuses to believe is the best care available for her condition. The closer you come to people living with dementia, I think, the more you revolt at the idea of burdening your own family with a similar mix of guilt and resentment and sorrow. I will not hesitate, personally. Those who, like the Boomers, have prioritized their individuality and self-determination their whole lives, are going to make it commonplace. In its intended form, it can be a blessing.
posted by jokeefe at 12:55 PM on January 1 [3 favorites]

“Would you trust me to write about this,” I ask, “knowing I have reservations about your choice?”

Well, that was interesting. I can say with some certainty, having edited her work closely for many years, that I would not trust Jeannette Cooperman to write about me or my loved ones. She tells a good story, but I've met enough of the people she's written about to know that ultimately, I can't actually trust her characterizations.

This seems OK. And I'm glad it includes the mention toward the end of the specter of people without means being manipulated into choosing this. But I have no way of knowing how accurate it ultimately was.

And her reluctance to accept that her friend could truly want what she wanted for herself made me think of all the other times Jeannette and her friends decided they knew what was best for others and their careers. When she mentions that her friend protested with Black Lives Matter protesters, all I can think about is how she and her friends couldn't accept my own sympathies for the protesters 10 years ago, nor my criticisms of the white fragility in her and our colleagues' work, and how her murmurs behind the scenes no doubt played a role in their forcing me out of the newsroom in the midst of everything that happened in Ferguson. I disagreed with her and their editorial decisions publicly and they couldn't have that.

So I feel like it's important to say, I don't see the kindness others might in this portrayal. I see the small-town gossip I knew who always has a thing to say about others' choices, in life or in death. I see the opportunist who hasn't always made the best choices in her own alliances, but always needs a new subject to give her treatment in writing.

I see the person I cut off without another word after she carefully stepped around and shrugged at any question of helping our mutual editor friend in need at what turned out to be the end of his life, then later expressed shock that he died. He died of a broken heart, you harpy. And he probably also died from a lack of care from editors who later eulogized him in glowing terms, even after they put the squeeze on him to buy internet he couldn't afford and to work on their terms, not his own.

He didn't get to choose his own death, and the end of his life was certainly not helped by the writer of this piece, when she had the opportunity to do so. He was always a sweetheart to her, and always included her in email threads between myself and another dear friend of ours. I put up with it because I cared about him, and for whatever reason, he cared about her. I respected that. But when we learned he had died, from stress she certainly didn't help with her shrug when he reached out, she was dead to me, and I was free of the obligation to pretend I cared what she thought.

That's the part of the story about this writer that only a few of us on this earth knew. So now you know too. I can't speak to the friend she wrote about here, but that's part of the eulogy in my mind for our mutual friend who died.
posted by limeonaire at 6:10 AM on January 2 [6 favorites]

For what it's worth, I don't actually want to derail the whole thread with this. The topic is worth discussing, despite the writer's foibles. So please carry on! It's an interesting and complex subject. I just felt a strong need to share my outrage at the writer's own hypocrisy for a moment, because she made the editorial choice to insert herself and her judgments and project the appearance of care into a story about someone else's life-or-death choices, when she completely dismissed her other friend who asked her for help and support two years ago in what turned out to be a life-or-death situation. Her writing about this topic in this way just feels...inappropriate and a bit ironic to me.

I just took a while to go write a song about it, so that's probably enough said for now.

There's probably much more that's worth discussing here or that has personal meaning for others.
posted by limeonaire at 10:56 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]

I really appreciate that this was posted and I shared it with a friend who is wrestling with if or how to make plans for ending their life. I can’t imagine being as organized as the woman in the article but if I want to have that kind of control over the end of my life, and heaven knows I would like to, I guess I need to get organized.
posted by Bella Donna at 11:40 AM on January 2 [2 favorites]

Thanks for that personal context limeonaire. And sorry to hear about the suffering of your colleague.

There's clearly a hunger and a need to discuss end of life in ways outside of our normalized understanding, and I think that is the main reason this article resonates more than any specifics in the story or the writing.
posted by latkes at 9:18 AM on January 3 [3 favorites]