Tired of losing
February 20, 2025 6:30 AM Subscribe
This is maybe the saddest thing I've read all week
posted by olopua at 7:21 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
posted by olopua at 7:21 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
Self-storage had cost her approximately $106,000. I struggled to reconcile that the money my mom put toward storage fees could have been enough for another down payment on a house. But I was missing the point. She was trying to maintain a grip on normalcy—waiting for a time when she could set up her antique farm table and favorite dish set and gather her kids and grandkids for a home-cooked meal. A couple of years ago she told me, “I think I know why people hoard. They’re tired of losing.” I sat down on a bench when she told me this because I finally understood. Loss was at the root of it. When you’re tired of losing, you hold on to whatever you can.
This sentence really ties together how poverty relates to hoarding and the desire for some to get storage units for items that many would consider worthless.
posted by waving at 7:35 AM on February 20 [17 favorites]
This sentence really ties together how poverty relates to hoarding and the desire for some to get storage units for items that many would consider worthless.
posted by waving at 7:35 AM on February 20 [17 favorites]
Storage units are a great business: they can go in multiple zoning jurisdictions, nobody cares if they are higher than two stories or are poorly landscaped, even if they are close to homes. IE: none of the rules of building homes for people apply. So why fight city hall when you can charge $185 per month per room (and higher!!!) with no messing with loans or much plumbing and barely even any employees.
Mistakes? We've made a few.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:35 AM on February 20 [6 favorites]
Mistakes? We've made a few.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:35 AM on February 20 [6 favorites]
I’ve had a couple of crash-and-burns in my own life, one of which was bad enough I wound up having to move home with my mom for the better part of a year in my mid 30s. I have never been much of a stuff person, so the only thing I had to put in “storage” was my cats. A friend was kind enough to foster them for the unknown duration. I did get my shit back together, moved back out, and got the cats back. But that kind of bounce back is the exception, not the rule.
One of my close friends fell into alcoholism about 10 years ago, and I eventually had to kick her out of the house. She’s still alive, but she’s been circling the drain ever since. She’s been in shelters and halfway houses for years. All the stuff she had in storage is long gone due to unpaid bills.
The stuff in storage is a promise of return to normalcy, but it’s almost always a false promise. The service they mostly offer is not storage. It’s postponement.
posted by notoriety public at 7:39 AM on February 20 [16 favorites]
One of my close friends fell into alcoholism about 10 years ago, and I eventually had to kick her out of the house. She’s still alive, but she’s been circling the drain ever since. She’s been in shelters and halfway houses for years. All the stuff she had in storage is long gone due to unpaid bills.
The stuff in storage is a promise of return to normalcy, but it’s almost always a false promise. The service they mostly offer is not storage. It’s postponement.
posted by notoriety public at 7:39 AM on February 20 [16 favorites]
The stuff in storage is a promise of return to normalcy, but it’s almost always a false promise. The service they mostly offer is not storage. It’s postponement.
And hope. They offer hope.
That was one of the points of the article, I think, about how the author's mother still clung to the hope of "... a time when she could set up her antique farm table and favorite dish set and gather her kids and grandkids for a home-cooked meal."
$100/month or whatever the cost might be, is for some people a small price to pay to keep that hope alive.
In a way, these storage units are all of them little versions of Pandora's Box. They hold within them the accumulated trash and debris of an unfulfilled life, and yet we still have hope, that last gift which never quite seems to come to fruition.
posted by fuzzy.little.sock at 7:56 AM on February 20 [8 favorites]
And hope. They offer hope.
That was one of the points of the article, I think, about how the author's mother still clung to the hope of "... a time when she could set up her antique farm table and favorite dish set and gather her kids and grandkids for a home-cooked meal."
$100/month or whatever the cost might be, is for some people a small price to pay to keep that hope alive.
In a way, these storage units are all of them little versions of Pandora's Box. They hold within them the accumulated trash and debris of an unfulfilled life, and yet we still have hope, that last gift which never quite seems to come to fruition.
posted by fuzzy.little.sock at 7:56 AM on February 20 [8 favorites]
Storage businesses are maybe not quite as predatory as check cashing joints but it's a near thing. Both expoloit the idea that things might get better, but the cost is so high that it becomes a factor in preventing the path out.
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:19 AM on February 20 [9 favorites]
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:19 AM on February 20 [9 favorites]
I'm going to use this story as motivation for the ongoing, stop-and-go project of decluttering my life. One of the most infuriating parts:
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:29 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]
In 2012, after missing three mortgage payments, she was encouraged to do a short sale by her bank, Washington Mutual, a subprime-mortgage pusher and the largest bank to fail in U.S. history. She was offered roughly $4,000 to walk away from a property—worth $350,000 today—to avoid foreclosure. She owed over $5,000 in missed payments, and without the ability to make the full payment, she didn’t feel she had a choice.By 2012, WaMu was owned by JP Morgan Chase, which bought and rebranded all of their former locations. Coincidentally, Chase is also the originator of the Amazon-branded credit card that has encouraged me to buy a lot of shit that I don't need and really don't have room for, and is also holding the note for my car which led me to close my own storage space in order to be able to better afford the monthly payments. Late-stage capitalism, ladies and germs! [rimshot]
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:29 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]
Imagine if all the land occupied by self-storage was instead used to build affordable apartment complexes. So many people living precariously, sleeping on couches or in tents while their stuff sits in storage, could instead have a home for themselves as well as their stuff.
But I guess there’s just more profit in warehousing stuff and leaving people houseless.
posted by hydropsyche at 9:02 AM on February 20 [8 favorites]
But I guess there’s just more profit in warehousing stuff and leaving people houseless.
posted by hydropsyche at 9:02 AM on February 20 [8 favorites]
One thing that I think goes along with all of this is sense of self-worth. Unfortunately, we live in a society with the ridiculous notion the "haves" and the "have-nots"*. I wonder how many of those storage units are giving people a sense of being able to hold on to the former because it's the last safety net to avoid becoming the latter. It's bullshit and it makes me incredibly sad. I know it's not realistic, but I hope that all people that end up in that fight come out of the other side of it on top.
* I do not in any way mean to imply that anyone who is homeless, lacking food security, struggling with debt, etc. is part of a ridiculous notion, my heart goes out to them. I'm thinking more of the idea that having a lot of stuff and of that perception somehow signifying a person's value, status and worth.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 9:03 AM on February 20 [5 favorites]
* I do not in any way mean to imply that anyone who is homeless, lacking food security, struggling with debt, etc. is part of a ridiculous notion, my heart goes out to them. I'm thinking more of the idea that having a lot of stuff and of that perception somehow signifying a person's value, status and worth.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 9:03 AM on February 20 [5 favorites]
People really pushed back on decluttering in a recent thread so I think it’s just our culture. I feel blessed to have a less is more attitude and that my wife does as well.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:59 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:59 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
One thing that I think goes along with all of this is sense of self-worth. Unfortunately, we live in a society with the ridiculous notion the "haves" and the "have-nots"*. I wonder how many of those storage units are giving people a sense of being able to hold on to the former because it's the last safety net to avoid becoming the latter.
Yup. That was a connection I made a few years ago about my mom's refusal to get rid of all the ancient hand-me-down china, silverware, and furniture from her parents and her grandparents. In gothic novels, the once-noble family, now fallen on hard times, lives in a crumbling, ruined manor house, while slowly letting go of servants and gradually selling off the silverware and the good china to cover their living expenses for a little more time. But they had to: the family's title, their aristocratic status, was literally tied to the land and the estate. But here in America? My great-grandparents once lived in a house that had a Proper Name and a tennis court on the grounds. I've never seen it except in pictures. It makes a lot more rational, economic sense to sell the manor house and keep the silverware. So that's what happened. All the boxes of china, the silverware that only gets used on Very Special Occasions, it's my mom's version of the crumbling manor house; a symbol of past wealth and power. That's the slide from upper-class to middle-class, but I'm sure there's something similar (albeit even sadder and more tragic) that happens with the slide from middle-class to below. You could probably graph the inverse correlation between the growth of storage units as an industry and the decline of the middle class.
posted by mstokes650 at 10:03 AM on February 20 [8 favorites]
Yup. That was a connection I made a few years ago about my mom's refusal to get rid of all the ancient hand-me-down china, silverware, and furniture from her parents and her grandparents. In gothic novels, the once-noble family, now fallen on hard times, lives in a crumbling, ruined manor house, while slowly letting go of servants and gradually selling off the silverware and the good china to cover their living expenses for a little more time. But they had to: the family's title, their aristocratic status, was literally tied to the land and the estate. But here in America? My great-grandparents once lived in a house that had a Proper Name and a tennis court on the grounds. I've never seen it except in pictures. It makes a lot more rational, economic sense to sell the manor house and keep the silverware. So that's what happened. All the boxes of china, the silverware that only gets used on Very Special Occasions, it's my mom's version of the crumbling manor house; a symbol of past wealth and power. That's the slide from upper-class to middle-class, but I'm sure there's something similar (albeit even sadder and more tragic) that happens with the slide from middle-class to below. You could probably graph the inverse correlation between the growth of storage units as an industry and the decline of the middle class.
posted by mstokes650 at 10:03 AM on February 20 [8 favorites]
What mstokes650 just said. I have slid down from upper middle class to working class in my lifetime and my children have just always been part of the precariat, unfortunately. We have two storage units. One makes sense: it's where we put everything that was in the garage when the garage had to be turned into a bedroom. So the Christmas and Halloween decorations, my darkroom equipment (sigh. Long deep sigh.) the camping gear - it's all in storage now. The other one? That's holding all the extra stuff leftover from when we had three different places to live instead of just one small house for me and both my children and my granddaughter and the dog and the cat and the fish. So most of my books and the extra kitchen table and the bookshelves and also, buried deep, my grandmother's Irish lace tablecloths and somewhere, maybe, the remnants of the family silver that wasn't stolen already and sold for drugs.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:55 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:55 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]
Used a storage unit for about 6 months while we looked for a new home. We were lucky enough to live (for free! I did a lot of handyman work, cleaning and cooking as "payment") in a friend's empty apartment in the building she owned. It wasn't glamorous (the place needed insane cleaning from the borderline hoarder who lived there previously) but it allowed us to make a good sale of our old place and take time to find the perfect new place.
Those storage units are a ripoff and predatory, if you ask me. We also had a couple of nice wool rugs get huge holes eaten in them from moth larvae... trust me, if you have moth damage, you will KNOW you have moth damage.
Anyway it worked out as a good temporary solution for us. But I have known people to keep storage units for years and years, with a "plan" of moving back or buying a larger place, etc and I don't think any of those plans ever really worked out for the people I knew who made them.
Very sad essay. I am fortunate.
posted by SoberHighland at 11:27 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Those storage units are a ripoff and predatory, if you ask me. We also had a couple of nice wool rugs get huge holes eaten in them from moth larvae... trust me, if you have moth damage, you will KNOW you have moth damage.
Anyway it worked out as a good temporary solution for us. But I have known people to keep storage units for years and years, with a "plan" of moving back or buying a larger place, etc and I don't think any of those plans ever really worked out for the people I knew who made them.
Very sad essay. I am fortunate.
posted by SoberHighland at 11:27 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]
When you’re tired of losing, you hold on to whatever you can.
I get that part. But we had nothing to lose. What we've got now, we scrounged for. So, the inability to let go also stems from working so hard for every damn thing, always buying the cheapest thing, or on sale, or second-hand-- you hate to let go of anything. If you're a 'Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without' person, even getting rid of ends of 2x4s and cardboard boxes is hard. Especially when I realized yesterday that I could have used those 2x4s I just took to the dump! But I don't want to live with it all.
My MIL just entered a care facility with dementia and strongly resisted sorting or letting anything go. Although a Depression era child, and a Mormon 'prepper', she was actually pretty good about really bad clutter, and she was very clean and organized. But. Still. We were actually over there today to go through stuff and brought home a carful--the biggest thing a big yellow wagon to replace our 45+ year old rusted Radio Flyer that lost the front axle. I picked mostly useful things, glass storage containers to replace the sad plastic ones I should have thrown out, and probably $300 worth of household goods--bleach, detergent, dish soap, expensive hand soaps. lotions, shampoos, Band-Aids, baggies, parchment paper, windshield fluid, Swiffer stuff, lemon oil.... They were going to throw it out. Waste not, want not. I guess it's still a type of hoarding, but it won't hang around forever.
When we went overseas for two years we put a bunch of stuff in a storage unit. The Air Force stored our furniture in a climate-controlled warehouse, so the unit was only for garage, tack room, and outdoor stuff. It had to be big enough to store Mr. BH's classic car and all his tools, my horse equipment and corral panels, plus other junk. We used the panels and wood to build a 'second story' above the car to utilize all the space up to the rafters, then plywood over those to stuff the three feet from the rafters to roof. Packed top to bottom, front to back--the security unit guard said he'd never seen anything like it.
When we got back, we should have had a yard sale but just unloaded stuff. There are still things packed in the same boxes from 1999. DH won't get rid of crap. Talks about it, but that's as far as it goes. There will be a reckoning soon....
posted by BlueHorse at 7:39 PM on February 20 [4 favorites]
I get that part. But we had nothing to lose. What we've got now, we scrounged for. So, the inability to let go also stems from working so hard for every damn thing, always buying the cheapest thing, or on sale, or second-hand-- you hate to let go of anything. If you're a 'Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without' person, even getting rid of ends of 2x4s and cardboard boxes is hard. Especially when I realized yesterday that I could have used those 2x4s I just took to the dump! But I don't want to live with it all.
My MIL just entered a care facility with dementia and strongly resisted sorting or letting anything go. Although a Depression era child, and a Mormon 'prepper', she was actually pretty good about really bad clutter, and she was very clean and organized. But. Still. We were actually over there today to go through stuff and brought home a carful--the biggest thing a big yellow wagon to replace our 45+ year old rusted Radio Flyer that lost the front axle. I picked mostly useful things, glass storage containers to replace the sad plastic ones I should have thrown out, and probably $300 worth of household goods--bleach, detergent, dish soap, expensive hand soaps. lotions, shampoos, Band-Aids, baggies, parchment paper, windshield fluid, Swiffer stuff, lemon oil.... They were going to throw it out. Waste not, want not. I guess it's still a type of hoarding, but it won't hang around forever.
When we went overseas for two years we put a bunch of stuff in a storage unit. The Air Force stored our furniture in a climate-controlled warehouse, so the unit was only for garage, tack room, and outdoor stuff. It had to be big enough to store Mr. BH's classic car and all his tools, my horse equipment and corral panels, plus other junk. We used the panels and wood to build a 'second story' above the car to utilize all the space up to the rafters, then plywood over those to stuff the three feet from the rafters to roof. Packed top to bottom, front to back--the security unit guard said he'd never seen anything like it.
When we got back, we should have had a yard sale but just unloaded stuff. There are still things packed in the same boxes from 1999. DH won't get rid of crap. Talks about it, but that's as far as it goes. There will be a reckoning soon....
posted by BlueHorse at 7:39 PM on February 20 [4 favorites]
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posted by wittgenstein at 6:45 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]