Gift thinking is a muscle that atrophies without exercise

February 21, 2025 1:06 PM

Feeling heartbroken by the greed and selfishness in our world? Though the systems we live in prioritize profits, we can choose giving and generosity as an antidote to fear and isolation - looking for the helpers and becoming them ourselves.

Learning about gift economy and gift thinking may help challenge the scarcity mindset and increase our awareness of alternative possible realities. Those who are interested in action may choose to pay it forward with an act of kindness, engage in mutual aid (grassroots, non-hierarchical, community-level helping systems), support community placemaking causes (which bring people together to collaboratively reimagine and transform public spaces to support community use), work with solidarity economy institutions (organizations pushing an economic model that prioritizes social and environmental goals over profit), etc.

Mutual aid previously
Gift economy and sacred economics previously, previouslier

posted by rcraniac (13 comments total)

"keep giving out apostrophes" is for some reason how I read this title.

One of the things that stuck with me most from David Graeber's "Debt" was the idea that in many cultures, gift giving serves an essential function of creating social pressure to reciprocate, not on a one-to-one transactional basis, but at undetermined future points. I can see how this would be really valuable for survival.
posted by latkes at 2:37 PM on February 21 [7 favorites]

in many cultures, gift giving serves an essential function of creating social pressure to reciprocate

In China when a group goes out to eat, it's always one person who picks up the bill, which operates on this very logic. It's the social debt that builds and maintains the social bond - yes, I may have paid for everything this time, but next time it'll be your turn; and then her turn; and then his turn, and so on. To the extent that any culture becomes increasingly financialized (e.g. American), this way of doing things can only, I imagine, appear increasingly bizarre if not distasteful.
posted by obliterati at 3:07 PM on February 21 [1 favorite]

The UK and USA differ in paying for drinks. Someone in a group in the UK would usually buy the round of drinks. And if you don't buy your round, people may make comments about "deep pockets and short arms"
posted by mdoar at 3:12 PM on February 21 [3 favorites]

In China when a group goes out to eat, it's always one person who picks up the bill, which operates on this very logic. It's the social debt that builds and maintains the social bond - yes, I may have paid for everything this time, but next time it'll be your turn; and then her turn; and then his turn, and so on.

For what it's worth, I have never actually found this to be true whenever I'm in a situation where one or more people aggressively pursue the bill. What ends up happening is that person ends up paying most/all of the time, and moreover they seem to WANT it this way. This leaves everyone else with one of a few possible responses: gratitude, resignation, or ever-present guilt that if they just pushed harder, made more of an annoyance, got up in people's faces more, snuck around and got to the cash under the pretense of going to the washroom or whatever, they might finally be able to pay for a friend's meal without them paying for you first. And the fact that they DIDN'T do those things means they are parasitic scum.

And yeah, I grew up with Chinese parents, where I saw this aggressive gift-giving dynamic play out often (though by no means were they the only source of this in my life). Maybe it doesn't translate when you're part of the diaspora instead.
posted by chrominance at 5:20 PM on February 21 [3 favorites]

My motto, "Life's too short to be fair. It's faster to be generous and kind."

Kindness and generosity help to grease squeaky wheels and cranky encounters.
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 5:26 PM on February 21 [12 favorites]

the idea that in many cultures, gift giving serves an essential function of creating social pressure to reciprocate

There’s really cool semi cooperative games called Wolves that has both a social status and a gift-giving mechanic. And gifts from those of higher social status can be declined, but gifts from someone of lower status to someone of higher must be accepted.
posted by solotoro at 6:08 PM on February 21 [3 favorites]

I know someone who is a photographer (in addition to his 9-5 job). He walks or bikes most of the time when going places. This gives him many opportunities to create interesting photographs. It also puts him directly in the path of marginalized folks who are often unhoused. He has a blog with many (mostly local) followers where he often writes about his encounters and interactions with folks on the streets. His followers provide him with gift cards to local diners that he offers to those who appear to be in need. In my opinion, he is a gift to our community.
posted by Scout405 at 7:47 PM on February 21 [8 favorites]

in many cultures, gift giving serves an essential function of creating social pressure to reciprocate, not on a one-to-one transactional basis, but at undetermined future points. I can see how this would be really valuable for survival.
+
To the extent that any culture becomes increasingly financialized (e.g. American), this way of doing things can only, I imagine, appear increasingly bizarre if not distasteful.

I think I see this play out in western-centric forums whenever cash gifts for weddings come up. Being a host is also a type of gift-giving, and I'd argue especially if you're not in a rich society - the "everyone owing each other" is one way to say we all can live or die by one another - that's the mode hosting a wedding is understood in. Everyone's clubbing for another person's wedding, a form of mutual aid, if you like. That's what the cash is for, to pay down the cost of hosting (in one of my cultures, people come with a portion of sugar back in the day before cash stood in, which makes it more explicit, as it's "replacement" sugar for the one you had to use up from your pantry for the event), not as a gift of a superior showing largesse which seems to be the undertone I understood a lot of western distaste for the practice which also goes back to how western weddings are very literally the obligation of the host and no one else's. Whereas for the cash gift cultures it's basically an expression of people helping you out on your big day.
posted by cendawanita at 8:44 PM on February 21 [2 favorites]

Same with the village lending circles where the money rotates to help people and all the other annual give and takes. I think the formality of the traditions matter to prevent unpleasant and difficult people being blocked - you may not like aunty but you still have to visit and give her children generous red packets if she’s not as well off.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 11:01 PM on February 21 [3 favorites]

This is such a great post! This helps mitigate a bit, at least for me, what is ….going on in this country and the world. It’s been such a bleak (and getting bleaker) last 5 weeks - has it only been FIVE weeks? I’m grasping onto everything, anything I can.

Unfortunately negative stimulation seems to dominate- at least for me ( ie upset calls to my congressman- a milquetoast centrist, and senators - a post thru it guy and a way too impressed “it’s my turn” guy) damn we could’ve had Katie Porter : (

That plus doomscrolling, is making my pessimism accelerate.

So this post (and getting out to protests); plus giving - and starting to volunteer for orgs defending vulnerable people (shout out to Casa Cornelia -undocumented and transgender law center - obv) help a ton. (The AOC Post above also gives me hope)

Thank you so much rcraniac - really so much

Dorky Aside: does everyone just love our Metafilter names, I’ve really started to pay close attention and they’re so damn good! Recognizing so many deep thinkers and astute observers also makes me feel good, Metafilter rules.

I’m (finally) going to find and help a mutual aid society here in San Diego.

Sorry for the ramble about me (ugh) but this post is SORELY needed today !

And truly sorry about the endless ellipses; )
posted by WatTylerJr at 7:46 AM on February 22 [4 favorites]

Mod note: This post and these links are a thoughtful reminder of what people can do to make the world better, so we've added them to the sidebar and Best Of blog!
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 6:36 AM on February 23 [1 favorite]

I have heard Buddhist teachers talk about the importance of actively practicing generosity. I've heard one suggest that people budget a certain amount of money/week for the purpose of giving it away.

There are enough year-round beggars where I live these days that I can easily spend my budget on alms.
posted by Aardvark Cheeselog at 12:49 PM on February 23 [2 favorites]

A small percentage of the things I own were things that I got through my neighborhood's Buy Nothing group; as well as about 30% of the things I ate last week. That percentage is going to get bigger - because I'm going to be offering a bunch of things up to the group as well.

That leads me to another angle of why the gift economy is something I'm coming around to - we all have way too much stuff, don't we? We're all encouraged to consume and acquire things, and then we end up with all this stuff that we don't use and is in the way. There are entire industries devoted to helping us find a place just to PUT all our stuff. And when someone passes it falls to their loved ones to figure out what to do with all of THEIR stuff.

Lots of people deal with the overrun by just baling it up and dropping it off at Goodwill or something. And that's fine; I've done it myself. But I'm finding one fun bit of a more local approach is that instead of handing a big bag to a staffer at a thrift store and walking away, you're handing the thing to a person IN person - and maybe you end up talking a bit and then two weeks later when you find something else similar that you want to get rid of, you can contact them directly. Or maybe you get to chatting and realize they can also help you with something.

Gift economies build smaller local networks - and BOY HOWDY do we ever need THOSE right now.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:53 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]