Dying, slow & fast
March 21, 2025 1:55 AM   Subscribe

“It was a matter of some consternation to Danny’s friends and family that he seemed to be enjoying life so much at the end,” says a friend. “‘Why stop now?’ we begged him. And though I still wish he had given us more time, it is the case that in following this carefully thought-out plan, Danny was able to create a happy ending to a 90-year life, in keeping with his peak-end rule. He could not have achieved this if he had let nature take its course.” from The Last Decision by the World’s Leading Thinker on Decisions [WSJ; ungated] [CW: suicide, assisted suicide]
posted by chavenet (34 comments total) 25 users marked this as a favorite
 
"I love changing my mind; it means I've learned something new." (approximately quoting Kahneman from memory)

If more people would take finding out they're mistaken as an opportunity for growth instead of an attack on their self-image, the world would improve overnight.

Of course I could be wrong 😊
posted by zaixfeep at 3:28 AM on March 21 [22 favorites]


Oh god, I didn't even know he had died! What a strange way to learn!
posted by mittens at 3:41 AM on March 21 [3 favorites]


“His friends and family say that Kahneman’s choice was purely personal; he didn’t endorse assisted suicide for anyone else and never wished to be viewed as advocating it for others.”

I have been thinking about this subject because an acquaintance told me she too is arranging for assisted death in Switzerland and she too framed it as a personal decision. The problem is that human beings are influenced by the decisions of others and as far as I’m concerned, the world is all too ready already to have old people die. I learned that the hard way during the first year of COVID.

I have helped two people exit life the way they wanted to go—I supported my mother in her decision to stop eating and drinking at the end of her life, against the well meaning attempt to intervene of her facility, and I sat with her until the end. I engaged a hospice for my husband that had a clinic associated with it so when the pain pills stopped working, he could die on IV drugs, unconscious, without any interference otherwise, as he wanted. And, of course, a series of ancient cats who couldn’t make their own decision. So it’s not that I’m against a comfortable death.

I just don’t want other people to think it’s okay to kill me. I may look like Kermit the Frog as I get older but I still have a wonderful life.
posted by Peach at 5:13 AM on March 21 [42 favorites]


I feel like there ought to be a maximum age after which humans are acknowledged to know themselves, their bodies, their lives, and their beliefs well enough to know it's time to end it. 90 seems as good an age as any. I feel for his family, but I'm happy for him. He went out on his own terms, as much as anyone could be said to.
posted by potrzebie at 7:20 AM on March 21 [14 favorites]


While the context is radically different, Kahnemann in a sense followed Freud in this act. And though his framework was radically different, his lasting contributions to human (self-)knowledge likewise pointed in a similar direction, FTA:

[Kahneman] argued that [people] are inconsistent, emotional and easily fooled—most easily of all, by themselves. “Self-delusion helps sustain most people,” he told me years ago. In short, he made the case that people are neither rational nor irrational; they are, simply, human.

I also didn't hear about his death when it happened, so yes, seconding that this is a strange way to learn. And so, belatedly:

.
posted by obliterati at 7:32 AM on March 21 [4 favorites]


.
posted by HearHere at 7:34 AM on March 21


I know of 4 people who have opted for Medically Assisted Death (Canada) and in one instance the family felt strongly that this information should remain private, I get the feeling the stigma can be very strong in some circles. Fair enough. A good friend has been saying 75 years is as far as they want to go, I'm not sure how to receive that in light of who they are and the life they live, but I'm an observer, so.

We often choose the end for our pets, how could we not decide our own end when possible
posted by ginger.beef at 7:37 AM on March 21 [6 favorites]


The world's expert in decisionmaking made his decision while still in reasonably sound mind and others think he was wrong, and focus on themselves rather than him in their public commentary? Terrible behavior on their part, IMO. My impression is that Kahneman pursued his assisted death based on his decision making expertise: he was comfortable with his life achievements and felt himself losing mental skills, and was aware this might be a limited option and did not want to lose the opportunity, especially if mental decline began as he felt it had. Statements that he had not declined ignore that many times those with dementia or other declining skills notice it first and are able to hide so that others do not notice, especially if previously high performance falls below their self-accepted standards. It also ignores that treatment of the elderly and ill often verges on abusive by caretakers and neglectful by family, with exceptions of course. Whether others agree with his decision is a moot point and focuses on themselves rather than him.

We need this option to remain. We need better grieving skills.
posted by beaning at 7:52 AM on March 21 [13 favorites]


I recognize that this may be an unpopular opinion, but I'll state it anyway: We need to destigmatize suicide. Voluntary self-termination must be viewed as a valid life option if free will is to have any meaning. We must stop viewing it as something shameful to be hidden.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:14 AM on March 21 [26 favorites]


Worth mentioning that Kahneman, along with Tversky, are the root inspiration for the modern Rationalists, Effective Altruists, and Friendly AI movement. In my opinion some of the people most responsible for the technocratic destruction of modern society.
posted by constraint at 8:17 AM on March 21 [11 favorites]


I'm curious about the feeling of mental decline being one of his main motivators. I'm less than half his age, and I'd say my mental faculties have been declining since I was in my teens.
posted by Braeburn at 8:41 AM on March 21 [4 favorites]


a maximum age after which humans are acknowledged to know themselves, their bodies, their lives, and their beliefs well enough to know it's time to end it. 90 seems as good an age as any

Bruce Willis, at 70, one month younger than me, has dementia. One can know that it's time to shout a final yippy-kay-yay well before 90.
posted by SPrintF at 8:45 AM on March 21 [3 favorites]


a maximum age after which humans are acknowledged to know themselves, their bodies, their lives, and their beliefs well enough to know it's time

Voluntary self-termination must be viewed as a valid life option if free will is to have any meaning.

The problem with this particular topic is, as can be seen by the refrain of "sound mind" in the article and the comments here, it's complicated by the very real issue of mental illness and, in the elderly, cognitive decline. That doesn't negate the valid agency and free will of an individual, but you can't just ignore that there are many situations where suicide is not a fully-knowing choice of the individual. And, as we've seen with MAID, there are additional economic factors further complicating the choice where there is real reason to believe (or explicit evidence that) an individual has been pressured to end their life by others for external financial concerns. And, of course, this is a unique matter because it's an irreversible choice once made.

Bruce Willis, at 70, one month younger than me, has dementia. One can know that it's time to shout a final yippy-kay-yay well before 90.

This is a good example. Who makes that call for someone in Willis's situation, where he doesn't seem capable of knowingly making it for himself? Especially since those around someone wealthy like him have many incentives to shuffle him off.
posted by star gentle uterus at 9:05 AM on March 21 [6 favorites]


90 seems as good an age as any.

my mom was eighty-nine when she made her decision. This was after about three years of steady physical (not mental) decline with the final straw being the realization that she couldn't get out of bed anymore without two people helping her, and even then all she could do was sit in a wheelchair and watch CNN, which just wasn't that compelling anymore with Trump finally officially thankfully out of office (this was late January 2021). So she finished the MAID paperwork that she already had on hand, and within two weeks, she was breathing her final breaths with her much loved dog tucked next to her and her family gathered round, and her favourite Ennio Morricone music as soundtrack.

There very much is a way to do this right.
posted by philip-random at 9:08 AM on March 21 [15 favorites]


I’m a little too close right now to the subject to speak impartially about it. Based on experiences I’ve had, I do think someone in cognitive decline can also want to die. We think about cognitive decline as suddenly being the person knows nothing and understands nothing. But in reality there are hours in the day where that person is very lucid and with it, and hours in the day where they are confused and all over the place. Does this make them unable to consent or understand? I don’t think so. But I also understand the hesitancy to advocate for someone with dementia to end their life, and the hesitancy for the providers of that care to provide it in that case.

I’ve had a person with dementia unprompted talk to me about how they wanted to die but couldn’t access that care. They talked about taking it into their own hands. They were very lucid and clear about their desire for this. But at the same time, how is that institutionalized in such a way that people who want to live don’t get discarded because care becomes too difficult.

I don’t know. It’s a heavy heavy topic and beyond my own contact with it I can’t speak for anyone else.
posted by eekernohan at 9:14 AM on March 21 [11 favorites]


My grandmother lived a good long life, in pretty good shape until the end. She was quite open about her intention to check out on her own terms, but was denied that opportunity: she had a stroke and died a few days later. My father also was open about intending to check out on his own terms, but didn't. In his case, he had the opportunity and the motivation. The last year of his life was painful and difficult. I am pretty sure that the only reason he didn't check out was because he was taking care of my mom.

So you can have a plan but circumstances get in the way, as they tend to do. This guy did a better job of planning, and got ahead of circumstances.
posted by adamrice at 9:25 AM on March 21 [4 favorites]


There was a very good article a few years ago, which I can't find now unfortunately, that discussed a woman having made the decision that when she reached a certain point in her cognitive decline that she wanted to use assisted suicide. She documented this all with the help of a lawyer and her doctors, but when it came to that point in her life, she was denied that choice because she was deemed no longer competent to make that decision. I fear this is the knife edge many of us will find ourselves on, wanting to move forward at a certain point, but perhaps misjudging and then not being able to marshal the resources to do so. Going out a little early, if that's your choice, may be the only way to have what you want instead of waiting too long. I, too, mourn his death, but respect his choice.

.
posted by drossdragon at 9:27 AM on March 21 [11 favorites]


Worth mentioning that Kahneman, along with Tversky, are the root inspiration for the modern Rationalists, Effective Altruists, and Friendly AI movement. In my opinion some of the people most responsible for the technocratic destruction of modern society.

I might be mistaken, but I get the impression that you are placing some blame on Kahneman for the formation or ideologies of those groups, and I feel like that blame might be misplaced. Here's my impression as a lay person: that cognitive psychology was, early on, inspired by a "computing" paradigm for the brain. Kahneman was part of a later wave of cognitive psychologists that reacted against that by collecting evidence that, actually, humans do not think or act that precisely. This reaction seems inevitable in hindsight.

It seems as though the Rationalists could have latched on to any of the cognitive psychologists of that era that were doing similar work. Now, Kahneman had a hand in popularizing that work, which probably made it more likely that he would be the catalyst for those groups. But it's hard to imagine that he would have been able to foresee the formation and development of those groups as a consequence of that popularization. And so blaming him for them in any appreciable measure seems like a stretch.
posted by a faded photo of their beloved at 10:12 AM on March 21 [17 favorites]


Oof. The worry that my loved ones will feel cheated or dismissed if I commit assisted suicide is honestly the only worry I have about it. People feel like their elderly, cancer-stricken relatives have been taken from them too soon, so it's understandable that someone in relatively good health committing suicide would be considered a bridge too far. Even though it's hopefully decades until I'd be faced with the decision, I have considered telling a trusted in-law about my plans now. That way the immediate family wouldn't feel like it was hanging over their heads. Two weeks is about right to say goodbye in a meaningful way. This article is inspiring for its subject's courage. It's also dismaying that the author and people left behind seem to say, "too early" when they are not the one living the life in question.
posted by wnissen at 10:31 AM on March 21 [5 favorites]


Me, I feel as if killing myself when I am still in good shape would be doing capitalism’s job for it. The billionaires all seem to want to live forever, but if others are stamping a sell-by date on themselves because they aren’t young any more that tells me being able to do labor is a bit too important.

Not joking: I have friends who already feel comfortable telling me to my face that when they reach my age they’re going to kill themselves. I’m not sure how long I can go on being polite to them about that.

I’m sitting in the sun right now in my city back yard listening to the neighbors celebrate the life of the neighborhood matriarch who just died this morning at about nine years older than me, and it’s a pretty happy noise.
posted by Peach at 11:13 AM on March 21 [10 favorites]


Possibly I'm projecting but the article mentions his wife had dementia and a difficult end of life period. I'm not alone in being someone who lost a close family member to dementia and likely as a result is is adamant in my desire for access to the option of assisted suicide.
posted by latkes at 11:56 AM on March 21 [10 favorites]


I do agree though with the critiques named above: we live in a world that treats anyone who is not economically productive in the most limited and immediate sense as useless, that certainly informs our own sense of morality and meaning.
posted by latkes at 12:15 PM on March 21 [7 favorites]


Not joking: I have friends who already feel comfortable telling me to my face that when they reach my age they’re going to kill themselves. I’m not sure how long I can go on being polite to them about that.

well they are friends, you said so yourself, and you're in your rights to let them know how that makes you feel

some people can age into becoming the neighbourhood matriarch, some people age into dark shells of their former selves, I think we know the world is "made of multitudes" and that's life
posted by ginger.beef at 12:54 PM on March 21 [5 favorites]


I am not mad enough at capitalism that I want to spend my last days suffering just to spite it.
posted by adamrice at 1:05 PM on March 21 [8 favorites]


Not joking: I have friends who already feel comfortable telling me to my face that when they reach my age they’re going to kill themselves. I’m not sure how long I can go on being polite to them about that.

...
I’m sitting in the sun right now in my city back yard listening to the neighbors celebrate the life of the neighborhood matriarch who just died this morning at about nine years older than me, and it’s a pretty happy noise.


Look I don't know your friends, maybe they're assholes and they're looking at YOUR life and saying no thanks, which is rude and you should tell them so. But my guess (as a person who absolutely has plans to check out if the world doesn't check me out timely-like) is that they're picturing someone else entirely, when they try to envision life at [whatever age].

Like, I'm not looking at my mom's life in her 70s, living by herself, physically vigorous and mentally checked-in, when I say "not for me!" If I thought my 70s would look like my mother's, I would have no qualms about aging whatsoever in fact. The difficulties of her life have nothing to do with her age and aren't difficulties I share.

No, when I think about my potential old age I am forced to reckon with the OTHER side of my family, who lingered in states of complete debilitation and dementia bordering on locked-in syndrome in some cases. People whose kids had their last conversation with them FIFTEEN YEARS before their bodies actually died. I'm sorry, I'm simply not signing up for that if I have the remotest choice about it. Maybe it makes me a terrible, eugenicist monster. If so I'll fuckin live with the label.

Your friends aren't related to you; they can't assume their lives will look like yours. They may have very good reason to believe their lives will look extremely different, and those reasons may have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with you.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:32 PM on March 21 [8 favorites]


I think this will be a more common choice, in the coming years, of going out on one's own terms. I think it's a fantastic idea, except for the big caveat of how it can affect marginalized populations. But after what Dad went through, I certainly don't want to experience that (nor did I choose to raise children, so there's no family that can care for me).
posted by honey badger at 1:57 PM on March 21 [5 favorites]


.
Psychologist-economist, wow.
posted by honey badger at 2:01 PM on March 21 [1 favorite]


Like so many things in life, choosing when to die will not be for everyone. But as with so many other things, one group's disinclination for the action should not remove it from other people's choices (abortion, psych meds, plastic surgery, weight loss drugs just to stay within the medical side). A person's desire to pursue this may be just a car accident or stroke or other illness away. The need to improve society's treatment of the elderly, ill and/or marginalized is a separate item. As is the need to respect the decisions of the elderly, ill and/or marginalized to choose to end their lives rather than to infantilize their decision making abilities.

Otherwise people are just being set up to walk up to the door one day and find a "dead body/suicide within" note on the door and a body in the bed or bath. Or on the parkbench or in the garden bed. Add that's even less ideal.
posted by beaning at 2:56 PM on March 21 [3 favorites]


Metafilter: it’s a pretty happy noise.

––––––

Me? I definitely want the choice. Now in my early 60s, after a lifetime of very poor health and very limited means, my prospects for a quiet comfortable secure dignified old age are... not good. And I live in a country that does treat its old and sick relatively well.

So, yeah, the practicalities of all that, particularly the timing, are increasingly coming to the fore in my mind.
posted by Pouteria at 5:06 PM on March 21 [2 favorites]


> And so blaming him for them in any appreciable measure seems like a stretch.

But warning people that his work has a habit of leading people to bad ends isn't.
posted by constraint at 2:37 AM on March 22 [1 favorite]


I just want freedom of choice in all major decisions about my life.

The application MAID for economic factors is a valid concern in a larger argument. But I will be deeply outraged if you wish to deprive me of my freedom of choice merely because the government of the country that I live in has shitty social care policies.
posted by ovvl at 8:50 AM on March 22 [3 favorites]


My stepmother and an aunt both lived longer than they wished to. I'm sure they would have done something similar to Kahneman were it not for their Catholic upbringing. Medical science allows us to go on for years longer than humans used to. But for so many, those final years aren't good ones. There's a sharp difference between being alive and really living that doctors often ignore. Kahneman realized that and was able to select an alternative. We all should be able to.
posted by tommasz at 12:15 PM on March 22 [3 favorites]


That's a good point. We don't really have a vote in the way life has been extended. In the US being "full code" (do everything to save your life) is the legal default. It is considered a dereliction of duty and a personal and moral failure to smoke cigarettes or fail to participate in preventative health screenings. But staying alive is a choice just as death can be.
posted by latkes at 12:42 PM on March 22 [5 favorites]


Kahneman...In my opinion some of the people most responsible for the technocratic destruction of modern society

(Hopefully appropriate to the thread)
Can this poster or others elaborate on the extent to which Kahneman played an active part in soliciting his ideas towards these type of political interests? And/or also, if someone is familiar with his ideas, talk about how his theories were used faithfully or disingenuously to reach these destructive conclusions?
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 5:49 AM on March 23 [1 favorite]


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