November 5, 2002

5:32 PM

... and the doctor says, I can clearly see you're nuts.
A PRODIGY IN MANY FIELDS. Perhaps I rank historically among the 50 or 100 most intelligent and talented people in the most fields ever.
And so begins the best resume ever.
posted by patrickje (59 comments total)

Oh... "You're" nuts. Whew.
posted by Space Coyote at 5:42 PM on November 5, 2002

In what may be the least accurate description of all time, this page is indexed on Google's Society/People/Personal Homepages as:

A brief autobiography and resume, information about the author's family, friends, and neighbors.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:43 PM on November 5, 2002

Paranoia is real to the people who experience it. So is the suffering it creates.
posted by fuzz at 5:44 PM on November 5, 2002

"I have been illegally run over by inferior trash since my father died 1/82."

C'mon. I've already seen thirty candidates talking about being run over by inferior trash today. Give me something UNIQUE!
posted by Hankins at 5:45 PM on November 5, 2002

Russ Wuertz' female alter ego?
posted by bannedThrice at 5:45 PM on November 5, 2002

how on earth can this woman not be employed?
posted by tsarfan at 5:53 PM on November 5, 2002

her security clearance was for 61'-62', opps, her secret security clearance. Hell, grandma has a security clearance.

programs used. WANG, Atari. (talk about padding ones resume)

But these should be useful when fighting those asteroids and Ms. pacman.

CIA recruiter: "I see you know Wordperfect...the tennis will come in handy when hobnobbing with those "middle eastern royals" Do you know COBOL? Having crooks: tap your residence, survey you (concealed) plagiarize, assault, tail, poison and plague you is useful. But this family association with President Jackson?...we will get back to you.

Liz: 'did I mention I was a debutante at the international ball in Rome

CIA recruiter: "Twice in fact"
posted by clavdivs at 5:53 PM on November 5, 2002

I suppose that when you see a woman lying by the side of the road, screaming in pain from a car accident, you stop to have a laugh at the funny faces she makes.
posted by fuzz at 6:03 PM on November 5, 2002

O, this makes me feel mean.

If she was a vain and boastful sane person, I would enjoy mocking her. As it is, I feel sorry for her.

Having said that, clearly she needs some tips on page design from the Time Cube guy. Now HE knows how to construct a page that screams "I'M A LOON!"
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 6:08 PM on November 5, 2002

you maybe, me, I dial 911.
posted by clavdivs at 6:08 PM on November 5, 2002

Only if her face looks like a malformed child.
posted by davidgentle at 6:08 PM on November 5, 2002

Guys, I think she's kidding. Sheesh.

I have a resume in which I'm an astronaut. Under personal it says: You wouldn't know it to look at him, but Neil Armstrong is a total dick. Sadly, I've never gotten around to sending it out.
posted by Samsonov14 at 6:16 PM on November 5, 2002

9/01 very severe trip and fall due to a visible object and lack of sleep.

One time I was walking along and gravity changed. It, like, went left and stuff.
posted by holloway at 6:18 PM on November 5, 2002

Remember kids - just because you're frigging ugly doesn't mean you're intelligent!
posted by Veritron at 6:22 PM on November 5, 2002

"EMPLOYMENT: Nevada Test Site, NV, sole secretary/administrative assistant for the Mechanical and the Electrical Engineering Departments during resumption of nuclear testing, 1961-1961"

That clears a few things up.
posted by fatbaq at 6:24 PM on November 5, 2002

I for one am glad to see she used the word myriad impecunious in her suicide note resume.

It does pay to enrich your word power, ya know!
posted by WolfDaddy at 6:25 PM on November 5, 2002

The Angelfire site you are trying to reach has been temporarily suspended due to excessive bandwidth consumption.

YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP - DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!
posted by yhbc at 6:31 PM on November 5, 2002

Google cache (appears to be current version)
posted by holloway at 6:35 PM on November 5, 2002

debutante in New York City. ... Daughters of the Cincinnati .... showgirl, summer 1963 ....
She's like Auntie Mame with the craziness turned up to 10.
posted by Catch at 6:49 PM on November 5, 2002

If this is for real (jury still out as far as my opinion goes) then this looks like a prime example of grandiose thinking-with a big dollop of paranoid delusion thrown in, not to mention logorrhea. If I were pretending to be a doctor I would say that she had schizoaffective bipolar disorder (type 1).
At least that's how it should be billed at the insurance company.

Or it could be a VERY longwinded prank...but somehow the entire length of the thing seems to point to someone in great need of psychiatric assistance.

It IS funny in a sad sort of way. But all of life is like that, come to think of it.
posted by konolia at 6:53 PM on November 5, 2002

If you can't laugh at another's paranoia, it begs the question - what can you laugh at?
posted by Pretty_Generic at 7:02 PM on November 5, 2002

This is going to end up in my nanowrimo novel.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 7:05 PM on November 5, 2002

I think we need to wash the internet off.
posted by tiamat at 7:08 PM on November 5, 2002

Yes. We need to wash the Internet off. It's getting pretty grimy around the edges and dusty in the middle. But be careful - it's electric!
posted by Maxor at 7:28 PM on November 5, 2002

This is my diagnosis. The Ego protects your world view from attack when faced with contradiction. Those with a weak or incorrect understanding of reality are "attacked" on a continual basis and thus the Ego tends to be very large and strong from so much exercise however this also leads to a natural paranoia from being assulted so often. In this document we can see all 3 traits: A weak understanding of reality, a strong ego and paranoia. The best solution for this individual is a place where they can live out a fantasy world without having the ego attacked to reduce danger to society. I recommend a Cable Modem, a fast computer and home food delivery.
posted by stbalbach at 7:29 PM on November 5, 2002

Perhaps her MK Ultra programming is starting to slip. A Government secretary in the 50's would have made her a good candidate. Assuming even a shred of this is true of course.
posted by spinifex at 7:38 PM on November 5, 2002

[sighs]
I like bad taste jokes just as much as anyone here. But this woman is suffering. A lot.

People who are paranoid genuinely believe that the entire world is out to persecute them. Their thoughts go uncontrollably around in circles, attempting to understand the threats to them that are always just beyond their ability to prove them. They oscillate between feelings of grandiosity, that their persecution is because people resent them for their qualities and that these qualities will always go unrecognized, and feelings of despair, that the world is entirely against them and they are powerless to stop it. In some ways, they are trapped in a perpetual state of being an abused child trying to shore up some sense of themselves.

Paranoid suffering doesn't create sympathy in others. Manics can occasionally be insanely creative or the life of the party. Depressives can elicit sympathy from others, and their passiveness makes it easy for do-gooders to try to take care of them (at least at first). But people who are severely paranoid will turn on those who try to help them, because ultimately they feel that they can trust no one. It's not possible to reason with someone who is in the throes of paranoia. And this thread shows how easy it is to mock people who are paranoid.

Sometimes people who are paranoid have moments of lucidity when they realize that the world is not what they thought it was. That doesn't stop them from relapsing.

It doesn't matter whether you believe that paranoia is caused by genetics, brain chemistry, childhood abuse, or random factors. It doesn't matter what the DSM-IV classification is. The feelings are real. Our society's emphasis on positive thinking, and our tendency to create syndromes for ordinary bad thoughts (resulting in huge drug company profits), means that most people don't understand the suffering involved in real paranoia or real depression.

How do I know this? I've been close to people who, while not as extreme as this woman, displayed all the same symptoms. This is not a fake and it's not a joke.
posted by fuzz at 8:05 PM on November 5, 2002

Pain happening to someone I don't know. It's by definition a joke.
posted by holloway at 8:11 PM on November 5, 2002

Indeed. We pride ourselves on being sensitive to people who suffer from mental or physical illness, but if an illness isn't popularly recognized as such then we think it's ok to make fun of anyone who suffers from it. Then in a few years when it becomes destigmatized we decide to include it in the things we are enlightened about. Happens over and over.
posted by Hildago at 8:16 PM on November 5, 2002

paranoia seems a side line to her megalomania or at least, delusions of grandeur.
posted by clavdivs at 8:17 PM on November 5, 2002

Oh God do some people in here need a humour transplant somethin' terrible.

But, it's wrong to laugh at the humour-impaired. They deserve our pity..
posted by Space Coyote at 8:18 PM on November 5, 2002

If she's so smart then why:

a) Hasn't she worked out who the NYC crooks who robbed here are,
b) Hasn't she re-written the material or written new material;
c) Was she managed to be fooled in the first place?
posted by Neale at 8:23 PM on November 5, 2002

Amen, fuzz.
posted by hippugeek at 8:24 PM on November 5, 2002

I like bad taste jokes just as much as anyone here. But this woman is suffering. A lot.

So, is there anyone in this room that isn't a downer?
posted by Dark Messiah at 8:25 PM on November 5, 2002

O'Connor, Carol, the actor, c 1987-1990

dear. god.
posted by anathema at 8:37 PM on November 5, 2002

There's a thread about his very resume here. I'm still not sure this is real. I used to work with the mentally ill in Boston, and I know that there are very bright people who have mental illnesses. Still, I'm skeptical.

Most people come into their illnesses in their early twenties, and this woman is middle-aged, at the very least. If she's as delusional as she seems to be, I would imagine that she would have hit her plateau long ago.

For her to learn about HTML at her age would be exceptional. It would either mean that she's been unmedicated for along time, she's independently wealthy, or has a support staff that isn't doing a very good job of keeping her on-track.

I may be wrong, but I still think that this is a poorly planned joke. If she's mentally ill, she should be getting better help than she is now.
posted by Samsonov14 at 8:56 PM on November 5, 2002

There is enough detail there to make for a great exercise in jabbascript-sleuthing. For example, I guess this is her cousin Theodore, one of the Nefarious Knappens, who would certainly have access to areas "behind some objects in the station of a well known bus company".
posted by Catch at 9:02 PM on November 5, 2002

holloway, if you fall in an open sewer and die, that's comedy.

Now are we still having that drink on Friday?
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:05 PM on November 5, 2002

anathema, what about this:

Savalas, Telly, the actor, Elmhurst, c 1987-1990;

same time period. I wonder if Mr. Savalas and Mr. O'Connor were in cahoots.
posted by whatnot at 9:17 PM on November 5, 2002

Whew! Wow, gotta say... even if it's a joke, or else it's someone's delusional ramblings, I glottal say: it fails as any kind of resume, impressive or not. After all, what's she done? What's she published? What kind of goals have been met and accomplished in this life? From the looks of it, absolutely nothing. Pathetic. Unfortunately, I know such over-educated, underachieving lazy asses. In a word: dullards.

On the other hand, if it's a joke... well, it still leaves me at the same conclusion.
posted by psmealey at 9:23 PM on November 5, 2002

Heh. I am a rapid-cycling type I bipolar living out of an apartment with a DSL line/home delivery groceries and Jesus Freaking Christ on a Cross is this stuff just way, way out of my league. I really feel terrible for her, but at the same time - having spent a few years learning to laugh at myself after the fact of my worst manic/depressive excesses - this cracked me up like nothing else has this week. Awards all around, all contestants will recieve a bottle of lithium carbonate and a big teddy bear (with Kevlar lining for those 'off' days).
posted by Ryvar at 9:41 PM on November 5, 2002

Samsonov14, if you look at the HTML source, it was created using "Save As HTML" in Word. My Mum could do that easily.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:56 PM on November 5, 2002

Maybe someone should fix her up with this guy.
posted by electro at 10:15 PM on November 5, 2002

I think I comprehend high intelligence better than anyone

Then why can't she comprehend the words "readable sized font"?
posted by dg at 10:30 PM on November 5, 2002

Sure, friday. But if I end up in a sewer* then something might happen your precious mother.

*against my will
posted by holloway at 10:39 PM on November 5, 2002

i dump, dump fiercely upon this sick excuse to display a pumped ego. we can only hope this is one of many many many jokes of this type on the internet.

second the motion to clean up the internet.

could it really bog down the bandwidth of the whole net?
posted by phylum sinter at 10:43 PM on November 5, 2002

I wonder how the existence of this discussion would fit into her world view. She is at least going to have to make sense of the fact that her angelfire page has disappeared.
posted by teg at 11:23 PM on November 5, 2002

fuzz = ELIZABETH
fuzz = ELIZABETH
posted by carfilhiot at 12:09 AM on November 6, 2002

She lost me when she admitted to ginger hair. The black and wehite photo was a wise move.
posted by vbfg at 1:21 AM on November 6, 2002

Cheers electro....I like your guy better...he's simply arrogant:

YOU PROBABLY HAVE A NORMAL AVERAGE I.Q.
Most likely, as most people do. If you are of a normal IQ, which you probably are, don't worry. Normal IQ people get along better in society.

and accidentally humourous:

My Mendocino High School Transcript lists me as IQ = 99 (which is the percentile, but due to a clerical error on their part, which I have never been able to rectify, the word "Percentile" is omitted from my transcript).
posted by meech at 2:04 AM on November 6, 2002

samsonov14, i think you're being way condescending there - your comment reads like "i suppose it's possible for someone to be paranoid and not totally stupid, but...". fwiw i had a very mild period of paranoia a few years ago (when i was in my early 30s) and i have excellent academic qualifications (better than yours, in all likelihood). or do you think all 60 year olds are so stupid that they can't learn even minimal (that site is hardly a work of great design) html? sheesh - my parents are older than that and it certainly wouldn't be past them.

and the bit about her being able to learn html only if she's been unmedicated is scary. a friend of mine is trying to find some kind of balance between schizophrenia and not being drugged to the eyeballs - it sounds like you think comatose is the only solution...

maybe i've misunderstood what you wrote?
posted by andrew cooke at 3:31 AM on November 6, 2002

It's not a bad idea to add some personal note, but she went a little too far. I usually settle for this:

What can I say? I just love people!

Lying is the only way to survive when you're dealing with people of inferior intelligence who are out to destroy you.
posted by son_of_minya at 5:11 AM on November 6, 2002

Lying is the only way to survive when you're dealing with people of inferior intelligence who are out to destroy you.

Me sorry. Me not want hurt you. Unga!!!
posted by Dark Messiah at 6:24 AM on November 6, 2002

She talks a little about hospitals - maybe she has already been hospitalized for her illness...

And, Neale, towards the end of the document, she says that she knows who did "it". I don't know "it" is.
posted by MeetMegan at 8:56 AM on November 6, 2002

Perhaps her MK Ultra programming is starting to slip.

shhh....
posted by mkultra at 10:11 AM on November 6, 2002

This lady is another unmedicated schizophrenic on the Net, just like good old < a href="http://very.net/~nikolai/read/russw.html">Russ Wuertz , who posted many time on Usenet in the mid 90s.
Enjoy...
posted by bannedThrice at 11:36 AM on November 6, 2002

For her to learn about HTML at her age would be exceptional. It would either mean that she's been unmedicated for along time, she's independently wealthy, or has a support staff that isn't doing a very good job of keeping her on-track.

Umm.... No. We got frontpage, dreamweaver, all sorts of other programs that do all the hard work for you. Even handcoding html isn't that difficult - I learned html in 1996 when I was in 5th grade. Unless you use frames and javascript and all that other crap that shouldn't be on the internet in the first place - which she doesn't - html is not a language to learn, and that's not a particularly exceptional web page.
posted by Veritron at 12:13 PM on November 6, 2002

And, Neale, towards the end of the document, she says that she knows who did "it". I don't know "it" is.


She's a poor excuse for a genius. I, on the other hand, know exactly who is out to get me and when, due to my massive intellect.
posted by Neale at 1:44 PM on November 6, 2002

The Angelfire site you are trying to reach has been temporarily suspended due to excessive bandwidth consumption.

The site will be available again in approximately 3 hours!

Are you the owner of this site?


Great, you all beat me here first, now to wait...........click, good bye.
posted by thomcatspike at 4:05 PM on November 6, 2002