Drinking Will Crack You Up

January 29, 2005 3:55 PM

Hello to you, my name is Liquor Control Bee (wav). Meet L.C. Bee -- his songs are sure to keep your kids uncrunked. Part of an elite cabal of juvenile moralizers, L.C. Bee is currently collaborating on an album with Daren the D.A.R.E lion (WAV). These kids today, you know.
posted by yonation (28 comments total)

If someone asks you "Do you want some wine?"
You just tell them "That's a waste of time!"
'Cause I am special and so are you.
So don't drink alcohol, its bad for you.

Why would L.C. Bee say such a blasphemous thing about the transubstantiated blood of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?
posted by subgenius at 4:01 PM on January 29, 2005

He hates the Jesus.
posted by TwelveTwo at 4:07 PM on January 29, 2005

Why would L.C. Bee say such a blasphemous thing about the transubstantiated blood of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?

Everyone was worried about the Freemasons when they should have had an eye on the Methodists.
posted by Mayor Curley at 4:24 PM on January 29, 2005

uncrunked? That's a new one on me.
posted by alumshubby at 4:24 PM on January 29, 2005

I remember going through this crap in middle school and knowing even then that it was a load of horseshit. Perhaps we should tell kids how to handle alcohol, instead of pretending like telling them it'll kill you instantly is going to make them refuse. It might also help to try and not make these things so insufferably lame.
posted by borkingchikapa at 4:26 PM on January 29, 2005

Wow, what an insufferable little chap. I think I may need a drink after looking at his website.

After seeing the kind of propaganda that children are subjected to, it's not hard to understand why we have a drinking problem in this country.
posted by casu marzu at 4:45 PM on January 29, 2005

"Drinking before age 21 is both dangerous and illegal. No matter"

I sent them feedback asking via what magical process alcohol becomes less dangerous when someone becomes 21
posted by MrLint at 4:50 PM on January 29, 2005

I am special and so are you,
So make the martini extra dirty, bee-yatch.
posted by moonbird at 5:03 PM on January 29, 2005

I'd ask if that song's for real, but you know they'd never be able to make a parody sound *that* lame. I mean, at least they coulda used a higher-end Radio Shack keyboard instead of the $39.99 model.
posted by arto at 5:09 PM on January 29, 2005

I know for a fact that the L.C. Bee got pollen from some opium poppies...
posted by alteredcarbon at 5:13 PM on January 29, 2005

Also, L.C. Bee? Oh.
posted by arto at 5:13 PM on January 29, 2005

Transubstantiation is weird. I just have this image of the Virgin Mary pulling a soggy mass of wheat and grapevine from her vagina.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 5:15 PM on January 29, 2005

I started drinking when I was 11. Drank daily from when I was 13 to .....well now, and I'm 36. Not only that, I have a great family and we're happy and successful. The only problem I see is that, like most males in my family, I will probably kick off when I'm in my 70s. Oh well.

BTW, moonbird, I'll have one of those, please!
posted by snsranch at 5:15 PM on January 29, 2005

I think I saw him open for Metallica a few years back.
posted by jimmythefish at 5:20 PM on January 29, 2005

Oh, I didn't see any mention of Chardonnay. That's ok, right? That's what I'm drinking now. Good grape. Kendal-Jackson, from California, vinter's reserve.
Quite tasty and potent.
posted by snsranch at 5:20 PM on January 29, 2005

Chardonnay is alright I think. Just no merlot! "I'm not drinking an fucking merlot!" It be the blood of the baby Jeebus.
posted by jimmythefish at 5:33 PM on January 29, 2005

I think I'll celebrate this thread with some Bordeaux courtesy of a French friend of mine.
posted by alumshubby at 6:34 PM on January 29, 2005

Did anyone ever notice in grade school that the only kids who wore the D.A.R.E. shirts were the kids who weren't really cool enough to be exposed to drugs in the first place? You know, the kind of kids whose parents were still taking them to Chuck E Cheese when they were 15?

Or am I mistaken? Apologies to D.A.R.E. enthusiasts, I suppose.
posted by hifiparasol at 6:49 PM on January 29, 2005

I sent them feedback asking via what magical process alcohol becomes less dangerous when someone becomes 21

And how it is that this magical process is sped up so that it happens by the age of 18 or 19 (depending on the province) in Canada. Has nobody learned anything from the failure of the War on (some) Drugs? Kids are a lot more savvy than these out of touch lame-o adults think, and this kind of obvious exaggeration and outright lying is a sure-fire way to lose any chance you had of teaching them what you want them to know (i.e. to make appropriate, responsible and informed choices about if, when and where to drink).
posted by biscotti at 7:01 PM on January 29, 2005

Fucking LCB. If you don't live in Pennsylvania you can't begin to appreciate what a truly fucked up system this is. The same entity that sells alcohol (has a monopoly) is also charged with discouraging its use. No Sunday sales, no beer or wine in grocery stores, beer by the case from a beer distributor...
posted by fixedgear at 8:41 PM on January 29, 2005

Liquor stores are open on Sunday in PA now, at least mine is. And they are running a test program with beer/wine in grocery stores.


I love my beer distributor too.

What I really want is to be able to pick up a 40oz with my WaWa hoagie.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 10:13 PM on January 29, 2005

Yeah, this backwards insanity is reason #1258 why I do not want to move back to Pennsylvania. Recently learned about #1257 and #1256.

Though, if I had known this Bee when I was knocking back a case of Schlitz everyday at age 11, I probably wouldn't be living in a dumpster today (or maybe I'd be worse off and living in a dumpster without Wifi)!
posted by thataway_guy at 5:47 AM on January 30, 2005

I don't drink, but knowing that my copious tax dolars are funding the LC Bee makes me want to drink a lot of something. But I'd have to go out of state to get it. Booze run to Maryland - any state where you can get a decent shiraz at Wal-Mart is all right by me.
posted by Dreama at 6:01 AM on January 30, 2005

I think it's weird that the L.C. lists his favorite cartoon as Winnie the Pooh - because, he points out, the bear is addicted to honey! Perhaps a strange allusion to what some posters mentioned above, that Pennsylvania controls liquor distribution and drinking prevention. The Bee controls honey production and honey addiction...
posted by Slothrop at 6:38 PM on January 30, 2005

Booze run to Maryland - any state where you can get a decent shiraz at Wal-Mart is all right by me.

One thing I miss about Maryland is that in most counties, you can buy beer and liquor in a liquor store any day of the week, and on holidays.

I lived in Laurel, MD for 8 years (just moved back to PA) and never saw wine being sold in a Wal-Mart. Which Wal-Mart do you go to?
posted by Fat Guy at 7:26 PM on January 30, 2005

Fucking LCB. If you don't live in Pennsylvania you can't begin to appreciate what a truly fucked up system this is.

fixedgear and I went to see a Beach Boys concert in Philly one July 4th early in the '80s. A drunk tourist asked us "Where's the liquor store?" We said "Liquor store? We don't have them in PA. We have state stores, and they're closed, it's a holiday." The guy thought we were bullshiting him.
posted by Fat Guy at 7:31 PM on January 30, 2005

That's D.A.R.E song sounds like it was arranged by Kenny Loggins.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:50 PM on January 31, 2005

I'm shocked Sexual Harrasment Panda was included amongst Bee's friends.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:52 PM on January 31, 2005