Koalas aren't hard they some little bitches.

March 24, 2005 3:17 AM

Koalas.txt
posted by LimePi (58 comments total)

>Fwd: Fwd: Re: Koalas.txt
posted by Savvas at 3:23 AM on March 24, 2005

Eat, Sleep, Breath, Live Playstation!

Good link BTW
posted by DrDoberman at 3:50 AM on March 24, 2005

Qué? I gotta be missing something here.
posted by Onanist at 4:07 AM on March 24, 2005

i wonder what was in the first draft......
posted by quarsan at 4:09 AM on March 24, 2005

Gotta love how kids at least know how to spell all the bad words correctly.
posted by sexymofo at 4:11 AM on March 24, 2005

I, for one, would like to see more widespread use of the possibly-spurious tag.
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:24 AM on March 24, 2005

Right now in my sleep-deprived state, I'm having absolutely wonderful visions of gangsta kanga's and thug koalas. It should be a children's show, I swear.
posted by InnocentBystander at 4:34 AM on March 24, 2005

What's fascinating is that the kid is obviously not stupid: he absorbed and integrated the facts he'd been taught about koalas, and bravely came to an independent assessment -- and authority-bucking -- of their value. we need more kids like this.

What's also suggested by the essay is that the course he took, while clearly communiticating facts about the koalas, didn't really make the case for saving endangered species. There's the received message "endangered == bad", but do the students learn, do the teachers even really themselves understand, why species diversity is good, other than as the "received wisdom" that states but fais to advance arguments for, that diversity?

(Don't misunderstand me: I'm all for species diversity, and in part for wholly selfish reasons; ecosystems are interdependent webs, and crashing ecosystems not only rob science of material and humanity of wonder, the crashes also threaten human economies and ultimately human lives. But was that explained to Richard XXXX in his course, or just a PC cant of "divinity good, extinction bad"? If that cant is all the students are getting, bully on Richard for his warranted skepticism.)
posted by orthogonality at 4:35 AM on March 24, 2005

s/divinty/diversity. s/fais/fails. My spellchecker knows too much.
posted by orthogonality at 4:39 AM on March 24, 2005 [1 favorite]

I agree, Faint of Butt. Funny how, minus punctuation, the first paragraph is essentially grammatically correct. It's only at the second paragraph where Koala Hater starts using "they" for their.
posted by Captaintripps at 4:45 AM on March 24, 2005

kid intelligent? No.
kid got grammar? No.
lame post lame content? Yes.
-possibly +spurious
posted by peacay at 5:04 AM on March 24, 2005

Gangsta kanga, that's what they yellin'
It's not about a salary, it's all about reality!
posted by rxrfrx at 5:35 AM on March 24, 2005

I almost stopped at the typo in the header. Enangered species? No doubt the koalas are enangered. With friends like Richard...
My vote goes for spurious.
posted by beelzbubba at 5:42 AM on March 24, 2005

Could we all just lay off the anti-bush posts for a day or two?
posted by srboisvert at 5:50 AM on March 24, 2005

I think he made some good points! Though he did state the obvious in parts :

If a koala goes in the water it won't be able to breathe with its little short ass.
posted by kenaman at 5:50 AM on March 24, 2005

While they at the river trying to get
something to drink a bear could just come to him and snatch its
ass up.

I gotta disagree with whomever said the class was at least imparting the bare facts.
posted by fshgrl at 6:27 AM on March 24, 2005

Kid's got 99 problems but a koala ain't one.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 6:39 AM on March 24, 2005

Math is hard.
Koalas isn't hard.
posted by emelenjr at 6:44 AM on March 24, 2005

Kid's got 99 problems but a koala ain't one.

Uh huh:

there's not enough room for all the bitches in this world

Koalas don't do nothing to help anybody. Thre would be just one more relative of the kangaroo that will be six feet under.

Kids, including grown up ones, tend to anthropomorphize animals assigning human characteristics because they remind them of people.

If this is really a kid, I wonder what people he's talking about and how long before he brings the gun to school.
posted by scheptech at 6:51 AM on March 24, 2005

Now that made me LOL.
posted by greasy_skillet at 7:16 AM on March 24, 2005

A+
posted by thirteenkiller at 7:18 AM on March 24, 2005

I didn't know Meatwad lived in Pittsburgh.
posted by thirdparty at 7:19 AM on March 24, 2005

What's fascinating is that the kid is obviously not stupid: he absorbed and integrated the facts he'd been taught about koalas, and bravely came to an independent assessment -- and authority-bucking -- of their value. we need more kids like this.

This kid didn't "absorb and integrate the facts he'd been taught," this kid remembers a few key words from class and understands that he's supposed to say that koalas should be saved and this is his knee-jerk vitriolic spew against the assignment. Independent assessment? This kids got a belly full of rage at something or someone and he's spitting it out at whatever target he's handed. We don't need more kids like this; we need to help more kids like this.
posted by papercake at 7:20 AM on March 24, 2005

Good post.
posted by catchmurray at 7:24 AM on March 24, 2005

The kid'll be ok once he gets his frog back.
posted by chrid at 7:24 AM on March 24, 2005

Now I regret donating to "Save the Koalas."
posted by sonofsamiam at 7:25 AM on March 24, 2005

Don't even get me started on the fuckin platypus! Sheeet.
posted by fungible at 7:40 AM on March 24, 2005

I loved this.
Kinda spurious, but
I'm glad it was posted.
posted by Sully at 7:55 AM on March 24, 2005

If a koala goes in the water it won't be able to breathe with its little short ass.

well yeah, but...
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:10 AM on March 24, 2005

Surely none of you truly believe this is a real assignment done by a real child.
posted by Ynoxas at 8:18 AM on March 24, 2005

Little Nephew?
posted by togdon at 8:21 AM on March 24, 2005

The fact that the author back and forth from proper, grammatically correct contractions (they're) to incorrect "urban" grammar (they be) blows his cover -- totally fake.

Totally true, though, too: Koalas ain't doin' shit for us homies.
posted by me3dia at 8:46 AM on March 24, 2005

kid got grammar? No.

Hahahahahahahaha.
posted by nthdegx at 8:51 AM on March 24, 2005

...bush posts

I get it!
posted by soplerfo at 9:12 AM on March 24, 2005

me3dia: I caught that too, and agree wholeheartedly.
The whole fake would have been significantly more amusing if the spelling and grammar were perfect)

MetaFilter: Now you know why koalas aren't important
posted by zerokey at 9:23 AM on March 24, 2005

Halfway through the essay I got this mental picture of a koala attached to this kid's face. I bet a koala could rip the shit out of him. Ahh, sweet, sweet payback.
posted by salad spork at 9:58 AM on March 24, 2005

salad spork:

You freakin' made me spew coke all over my monitor... freakin' a!
posted by psychotic_venom at 10:31 AM on March 24, 2005

I'm pretty sure i couldn't breathe water through my short little ass.

What's up with with koalas thinkin they hard and shit? I used to mess them koalas up when i was street back in the day.

*hearts possibly-spurious
posted by schyler523 at 10:40 AM on March 24, 2005

Hilarious and terrifying at the same time. The Children are the Future, but let's hope this one, I dunno... gets stuck in a time warp or something.

Thanks for the link, LimePi. It's a gem.
posted by Shane at 10:43 AM on March 24, 2005

Koalas not strong? They hold themselves in trees with their arms. Watch the people coming out of a koala receiving line (adjacent to the line of friends with cameras), rubbing their sides where a koala has just dug in its nails*, hard, to hold itself up.

*six of which are on fingers, four of which are on thumbs
posted by Aknaton at 10:48 AM on March 24, 2005

report card
Teacher; F - unassigned reference.
Student; F – use of "F-word" in report.
posted by thomcatspike at 10:49 AM on March 24, 2005

one boring saturday afternoon, i watched a discovery channel show about relocating koalas from one part of new zealand to another and was totally freaked out by the fact that mother koalas become evil furballs with claws when you mess with the babies. obviously he has never seen a koala try to claw someone's face off for touching her babies. but i think maybe salad spork has!

in conclusion, koalas *are* bitches, yes, but they are HARD bitches, especially when you fuck with their babies.
posted by aGreatNotion at 11:31 AM on March 24, 2005

They're not important just let nature do what it do and kill them.

Now do you see what teaching evolution will do to our children??

(spurious or no, I don't care. This was funny.)
posted by butternut at 11:57 AM on March 24, 2005

i watched a discovery channel show about relocating koalas from one part of new zealand

That would be Australia. *sigh*

Koalas are just cuddly gumleaf eaters who sleep 16 hours a day, slumped up gum (eucalyptus) trees. And no doubt your mother would have raised her bitchclaws too if her young kids were being pestered by ignorant grade-8er's.

Platypus are amazing and incredibly secretive and shy critters. (They are my faves) The males have poisonous spurs specifically designed to bring down ignorant grade-8er's who come within 10 metres of them.

Neither are endangered as I understand it (except in the usual case-by-case local habitats threatened by development sense) - they are just off limits to would-be hunters (and ignorant grade-8er's)

Kangaroos on the other hand.......you are welcome to as many as you want.......there are gazillions of them and there's a big culling industry. Ignorant grade-8er's ought to be introduced to their foot claws and boxing skills.
marsupial/monotreme education system
posted by peacay at 12:26 PM on March 24, 2005

I saw some platypus in real life in australia, had to get up ass early to see them but it was worth it. Also got to hold a koala, they have sharp little hands, he could have mauled me like a bitch if he wanted to but I think he was sedated and only peed a little.

Really though, I am torn between this essay being very funny and the idea that this kid will probably be killed in about 5 years when he catches a stray. (bullet)
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 1:15 PM on March 24, 2005

You have to give this essay one thing: Ignoring grammar and language and subject matter, it has structure. An introduction, subject paragraphs, and a logical, if trite, conclusion. Perhaps the assignment wasn't so much to draw on actual knowledge, but to assemble any bit of information, no matter how ridiculous, into a proper essay format.
posted by thanotopsis at 1:32 PM on March 24, 2005

I saw some platypus in real life in australia

Wow, you were seriously lucky (if in the wild) - I've only ever seen a few, all in the same stream/pond at the same time - took me 20-odd years of waiting - I watched them frolic for about 4 hours. On my all time life highlight list for sure!!

thanotopsis......how old is someone in grade 8?? 13/14 years old?? An intro. middle bit and ending isn't like rocket science (he would do this when he speaks anyway) - at that age they ought to be developing decent arguments within grammatically correct formats.
The kid (if it is a kid) is destined for a plateaued future.
posted by peacay at 1:51 PM on March 24, 2005

thanotopsis......how old is someone in grade 8?? 13/14 years old?? An intro. middle bit and ending isn't like rocket science

My work study in college for 4 years was as a writing tutor to my peers. You'd be surprised how difficult a meaningful structure is for people to grasp.
posted by thanotopsis at 2:07 PM on March 24, 2005

Hey, it's better written than most of those laser essays. I also don't think inconsistency in grammar is a sure sign of fakery--look at any misplaced apostrophe in context & you'll probably find that the made-up punctuation rules change from word to word. Examples in my neighborhood include a new store called "House of Stool's and Bars" and a Mexican restaurant menu that lists "Tacos, Enchiladas, and Burrito's".

I hope a storm just come while they just chilling up in the tree thinking they is hard and they're will all just fall off. They just break they neck and shit.

Don't koalas have extra padding on they little short asses for just such situations and shit?
posted by obloquy at 2:12 PM on March 24, 2005

Nahhh....I probably wouldn't really be surprised thanotopsis. I guess I just retain the illusion that edumacation can work in the majority of cases.
Well, that and I'm an elitist shite.
posted by peacay at 2:23 PM on March 24, 2005

That would be Australia. *sigh*

sorry, i was hungover when i watched it. but i swear New Zealand was involved somehow.

i didn't mean to offend you or the koalas with my lack of knowledge on the subject.
posted by aGreatNotion at 2:28 PM on March 24, 2005

Didn't they film Lord of the Rings in Australia, too? That's a lot of movies for such a small country!
posted by feloniousmonk at 2:32 PM on March 24, 2005

i do know, though, that they are being sterilized to control the population
posted by aGreatNotion at 2:33 PM on March 24, 2005

aGreatNotion........no offense taken - we just like to *sigh* at how little is known about us (and I will, possibly at the risk of injury, speak on behalf of NZ here as well) and how seemingly inconsequential we are in the world - antipodean inferiority complex.

LOTR = NZ !!!! (although Oz supplied a number of actors and maybe other bits and pieces - but nothing of great note----------definitely a major NZ success story)
posted by peacay at 3:19 PM on March 24, 2005

heh he was joking about LOTR :)

you're not inconsequential at all.

you're just not the purveyors of freedom we are here in the States! (jk)
posted by aGreatNotion at 3:24 PM on March 24, 2005

I'll buy a buck fifty worth of freedom and consequence and yes I'd like fries with that.
posted by peacay at 3:42 PM on March 24, 2005

BlackLeotardFront > Also got to hold a koala, they have sharp little hands, he could have mauled me like a bitch if he wanted to but I think he was sedated and only peed a little.

Actually ... that's pretty much what they're like all the time.

I've seen a film of a young japanese tourist being mauled by a koala. She was trying to hand the koala back to the handler and happened to dig her thumbs into its ribs; lots of blood and screaming from the human, the koala just looked a little annoyed at the noise and having to expend a few hundred leaves worth of energy.
posted by snarfodox at 10:02 AM on March 25, 2005

snarfodox....the drugged koala is the ultimate anti-tourist defense. Keep the numbers down.
Gum leaves sure must have something sedating in them.
posted by peacay at 4:56 AM on March 27, 2005