Revocation of US Independence

September 16, 2005 9:46 PM

To the Citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. - John Cleese
posted by signal (61 comments total)

Where did I see this? I don't remember. Damn aging brain. But I think the consensus was that it is not really John Cleese.
posted by teece at 9:47 PM on September 16, 2005

Sorry
posted by addyct at 9:48 PM on September 16, 2005

Teece, you probably saw this here.
posted by NoMich at 9:48 PM on September 16, 2005

Oh, come on! I guess I owe you some coke, addyct. Hmmm...how apt.
posted by NoMich at 9:49 PM on September 16, 2005

You know, about halfway through that thing I started to worry. John Cleese couldn't really have written something this obvious and tepid, could he? Thanks for reassuring me, addyct.
posted by gompa at 9:55 PM on September 16, 2005

I would like to apply for the postion of Royal Aluminium Doughnut Purveyor to the Crown.
If Camilla becomes queen, they will have provided their own rum tart.
posted by Cranberry at 9:55 PM on September 16, 2005

hahaha, bush had to go to the bathroom
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:57 PM on September 16, 2005

hmm I thought Aundie McDouwell Played an Americaun in Four Weuddings.
posted by bitdamaged at 10:05 PM on September 16, 2005

A double of sorts, although the links on that page all appear to be dead now.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 10:20 PM on September 16, 2005

A related joke from Andrew Northrup of The Poor Man.
posted by russilwvong at 10:28 PM on September 16, 2005

Damn gullible newbies, with their links hacked-up bogus crap...

whu... signal? Was this some kind of performance art or something?
posted by soyjoy at 10:57 PM on September 16, 2005

Remember when people would only send internet chain mails to like 3 or four more people?
posted by delmoi at 11:18 PM on September 16, 2005

Man, what a stupid article. Not funny, and whoever wrote this needs to learn the diffrence between a 'rule' and a commentary. Rules don't tell people to 'open their dictionary'. Also:

6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Why would a brit want people to drive german cars? They do make cars in England, very nice ones. And, by the way, the number one selling car in the UK is the ford focus (although, we're talking about the European focus, which is supposedly sweet)

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

Americans dress chips with mayo? Okay...
posted by delmoi at 11:26 PM on September 16, 2005

hahaha, "TwelveTwo" has to have a fucking moron for president.
posted by joe lisboa at 11:30 PM on September 16, 2005

Metafilter: The Almost Decent of the Web.
posted by spiderwire at 11:42 PM on September 16, 2005

Americans dress chips with mayo? Okay...

Err, actualy he said we dress french fries in mayo, which some people do, but that's more of a canadian thing. It's downright bizzare to american tastebuds.
posted by delmoi at 12:42 AM on September 17, 2005

I used to eat fries with mayo sometimes. But then I've always been kind of self destructive that way.
posted by maryh at 1:09 AM on September 17, 2005

Frieten always have mayo people! And you eat them in a tube of paper (or in this case, money). So there. ;)
posted by dabitch at 1:30 AM on September 17, 2005

is this really john cleese?
posted by Satapher at 1:47 AM on September 17, 2005

haha nm ;)
posted by Satapher at 1:48 AM on September 17, 2005

Quite a few British people enjoy mayo with their chips, but certainly not the majority that is usually implied whenever the "haw haw ur fud sux britens" jokes come out and hilarity ensues. I suspect vinegar was mentioned as the proper chip accompaniment as a pre-emptive strike against such wit. Curiously these jokes usually fail to account for the existence of the "Hungry Man" ready-made meals.

I can't stand mayo or vinegar on my chips. And I prefer potato waffles, anyway.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 2:10 AM on September 17, 2005

In a rather uninteresting coincidence, I was reading this page on the history of the Revocation of Independence earlier, which contains a few more letters back and forth, including the sale of the USA..
posted by Nugget at 2:13 AM on September 17, 2005

In addition, I highly doubt that Cleese would ever have the kind of shit-for-brains necessary to genuinely believe that "US" English is either non-existent or stupid. Whoever it was who wrote this obviously has no background in English or grammar or anything close. There's absolutely no justification for the "u" in color, except that the Americans spell it differently.
posted by Deathalicious at 2:42 AM on September 17, 2005

I love arguments about language. Everyone thinks they are correct!
posted by Acey at 2:46 AM on September 17, 2005

Everyone is.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 3:43 AM on September 17, 2005

cunt flaps
posted by snoktruix at 4:01 AM on September 17, 2005

cunt flaps
...and I say 'tomato'... let's call the whole thing off...
posted by DrDoberman at 5:29 AM on September 17, 2005

Well, though experimentation I have actually discovered that if you mix ketchup & mayo at a 1 part to 1 part ratio you get a truely flavorful fry medium. It might look disgusting but it tastes great.
posted by Lex Tangible at 5:39 AM on September 17, 2005

"through" that is
posted by Lex Tangible at 5:39 AM on September 17, 2005

just to get it out of th way: John Cleese also didn't write the Axis of Just as Evil piece
posted by mr.marx at 5:50 AM on September 17, 2005

Jeez, sorry. Correction: labial folds.
posted by snoktruix at 5:54 AM on September 17, 2005

Dear whomever wrote this:

'Aluminium' is a variant of 'aluminum', which is the name given to the substance by he who discovered it.
posted by Tullius at 6:17 AM on September 17, 2005

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

oh, you mean home or american fries? ... funny, though, i've never heard of them with mayo on them

whoever wrote this obviously never ate in a midwestern diner ...
posted by pyramid termite at 6:26 AM on September 17, 2005

Why do you think that you tell the mayo story so much?
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 7:21 AM on September 17, 2005

MetaFilter: Forward this to all your friends NOW!!!!!
posted by cleardawn at 7:24 AM on September 17, 2005

The language section is (accidentally) missing words and phrases. Next time you post a single link to some old joke with an incorrect attribution, please post the best version of it. [And remember that snopes is our friend.)

Soon someone will post those syrupy chainmail poems and the warnings about people in parking lots who drug you with perfume.


[OK, I didn't want to admit that I laughed again at this bad rerun.]
posted by NorthernLite at 7:27 AM on September 17, 2005

If that story had been written by JC, you'd think it would have been written in November of last year, no?

Anyway, I'm on Cleese's mailing list, and I can't recall getting that, so we can safely assume it's bullshit, just like all the stuff you get in email "written by Andy Rooney".
posted by clevershark at 7:30 AM on September 17, 2005

Actually it could be that this was inspired by a JC appearance on Letterman where he joked around about the UK celebrating "Dependence Day" on July 3rd.
posted by clevershark at 7:51 AM on September 17, 2005

I've seen fish and chips shops in London where they leave the mayonaise out on the table at room temperature... all day... and night. It is yellow. British people dip their chips in that... and eat it. I'll stick with ketchup, cold ketchup, thanks.
posted by StarForce5 at 9:08 AM on September 17, 2005

sometimes cunt flaps secrete a mayonnaise like substance. However it tastes like fish.
posted by snoktruix at 9:10 AM on September 17, 2005

sometimes cunt flaps secrete a mayonnaise like substance.

Unsubscribe.
posted by NoMich at 9:23 AM on September 17, 2005

Err, actualy he said we dress french fries in mayo, which some people do, but that's more of a canadian thing.

Not much of a Canadian thing, actually. Go to some Belgian-themed restaurant or chip shop (there's one on Commercial Drive in Vancouver, for example) and you might find a room full of Canadians dunking their fries in mayo, but otherwise, the quintessential Canadian way to eat fries is smothered in white vinegar. Never malt. Malt is for pompous prats who're trying to be more English than thou at fish-and-chip shops.

It also warrants mention that the best fries on the planet are Canadian, and they can be found at casse-croute stands throughout Quebec, chip trucks in the Ottawa Valley and elsewhere in eastern Ontario, and at the Bud the Spud chip truck on Spring Garden Road in Halifax.
posted by gompa at 10:25 AM on September 17, 2005

secrete a mayonnaise like substance

It's more of a cleesey exudate really. As is the topic of this post. Or more to the point, isn't.
posted by George_Spiggott at 10:26 AM on September 17, 2005

Old, old, very old. This email has been sent around for years.

To make it worse, the version linked to has various words misssing, presumably because the message got corrupted by so many levels of quoting as it was forwarded again and again.
posted by w0mbat at 10:30 AM on September 17, 2005

this is truly the west of the beb.
posted by Hat Maui at 2:12 PM on September 17, 2005

The genesis of this article is a long and convoluted one. It evidently originated with one Alan Baxter of Rochester, U.K.

I've been getting him confused with Cleese for years. Baxter is the one who does the silly walks, right?
posted by LeLiLo at 2:38 PM on September 17, 2005

You guys may not know this but also tampons have asbestos in them forward to your friends!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!1
posted by Kloryne at 2:41 PM on September 17, 2005

I eat fries with mayo, but I picked up that habit in Germany. Mmmm. Spreadable fat.

Even better : the Icelandic "cocktail sauce" which is an unholy marriage between ketchup, mayonnaise, and some red seasoning. Tasty.

Oh, and! If every American tourist can get away with saying "Um, I'm Canadian." in Europe... yeah. Some accent recognition needs to happen.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:03 PM on September 17, 2005

Unsubscribe.

You lick the cheesey exudate off and smear it on toast, NoMich?
posted by snoktruix at 3:55 PM on September 17, 2005

Look, all I'm saying is, this topic is complete crap, and deserves no more than a lengthy digression into vaginal smegma and genital seepage. If you can't handle such talk on the internet, you are a nothing but a big cuntflap with a tight, tight anus.
posted by snoktruix at 3:57 PM on September 17, 2005

I've seen fish and chips shops in London where they leave the mayonaise out on the table at room temperature... all day... and night. It is yellow. British people dip their chips in that... and eat it. I'll stick with ketchup, cold ketchup, thanks.

Sounds to me like you saw salad cream, not mayonaise.
posted by salmacis at 3:57 PM on September 17, 2005

mmmm. Salad Cream!!!
posted by seanyboy at 5:16 PM on September 17, 2005

I'll stick with ketchup, cold ketchup, thanks.

But why would ketchup need to be cold?
posted by soyjoy at 11:40 PM on September 17, 2005

It didn't sound like John Cleese. For one thing, he's a conservative.

But this isn't the first time something that Cleese never said or wrote has been attributed to him. I had The Meaning of Life book, and on the inside cover were reprints of all these letters Cleese had written to a British newspaper that had printed an article by a reporter who was on the set of The Meaning of Life, and had claimed that during the filming of an English/Zulu battle scene Cleese had joked "Which one of you [racial epithet that I can't recall] did a bloody rain dance?!" to the extras playing the Zulu warriors. Cleese insisted he'd never uttered those words, and thought the comment was racist and did not want it associated with him. The editors of the newspaper wrote back a few evasive replies before finally saying they were standing by their reporter's version of the story.
posted by Devils Slide at 3:11 AM on September 18, 2005

Actually, I don't think it was a racial epithet. I'm pretty sure he was quoted as saying:"Which one of you bastards did a bloody rain dance?!", when rain brought the filming to a halt.
posted by Devils Slide at 3:40 AM on September 18, 2005

Always be wary of things that start with "I got this email the other day" - old jungle saying
posted by madman at 1:48 PM on September 18, 2005

Lex, try Thousand Island dressing. It's the bestest for french fries.
posted by deborah at 8:49 PM on September 18, 2005

It didn't sound like John Cleese. For one thing, he's a conservative.

Isn't he quite famously a liberal democrat? (And while I note you use a small 'c' lib-dem politics aren't that conservative really.)

Why would a brit want people to drive german cars? They do make cars in England, very nice ones.

With a few small exceptions, cars manufactured in the UK are done so by companies from outside the country.
posted by biffa at 3:14 AM on September 19, 2005

gompa writes "the quintessential Canadian way to eat fries is smothered in white vinegar. Never malt. Malt is for pompous prats who're trying to be more English than thou at fish-and-chip shops. "

Never had fries with vinegar but I do love a poutine every now and then.
posted by Mitheral at 11:44 AM on September 20, 2005

Whew. If John Cleese didn't write that, I can still like him.
posted by kindall at 12:47 PM on September 20, 2005

Fries are not dipped in mayo, they are covered in it, while fresh and hot. This is the True Belgian Way. They invented fries, they get to declare what's right. And they are good! The Belgians get a bunch of other things from the Friteur (little things deep fried), not nearly as good.

Canadians use white vinegar? That's gross. Loose five charisma points.
posted by Goofyy at 2:50 AM on September 21, 2005