Three Dimensional Messengers of Faith

October 4, 2005 3:04 PM

Mary was just an ordinary girl, living an ordinary life - the type of life just about any girl of that time would lead. She had a normal family, and was engaged to be married to a humble carpenter named Joseph. And then she got a visit from the angel Gabriel and was transformed into a scripture-quoting action figure. (Don't forget to learn how to use).
posted by nobody (37 comments total)

We recommend that these dolls not be placed in a toy box or mixed in with other dolls...
posted by R. Mutt at 3:16 PM on October 4, 2005

especially naked Barbies...
posted by InfidelZombie at 3:17 PM on October 4, 2005

Are these dolls anatomically correct? What happens if I make Jesus hump Moses? Will I be severely smited by an action figure with a long white beard and omnipotence?

No wonder Mary was a virgin. She's a maaaaaaan, baby!

What in the hell is a multi-directional waist?
posted by fenriq at 3:24 PM on October 4, 2005

Is it me, or does Jesus look a bit 'touched.'
posted by elwoodwiles at 3:27 PM on October 4, 2005

Jesus was the most important person in history. Ever.
posted by fleetmouse at 3:28 PM on October 4, 2005

There has never been nor will there ever be anyone like Jesus!
From the "more truthful than they intended" department.
posted by Wolfdog at 3:36 PM on October 4, 2005

Not to mention the "fingers that can gasp". Product descriptions by Jim Theis.
posted by Wolfdog at 3:38 PM on October 4, 2005

Please note that Messengers of Faith are not intended to be played with as other dolls, but rather to be displayed and utilized when a parent or Christian educator (Sunday school teachers, etc.) wishes to teach a child or group of children a Bible story....

Because if you gave these dolls to little Christian children and let them play unsupervised, within about 15 minutes you will see an orgy of truly Biblical proportions, Mary will have a butch haircut, and Moses will go home in her clothes.
posted by Miko at 3:39 PM on October 4, 2005

elwoodwiles, you mean like he's retarded? That would explain an awful lot, wouldn't it?
posted by fenriq at 3:40 PM on October 4, 2005

3. Touch the doll.

Touch my Mary! Touch her! Love her!
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:57 PM on October 4, 2005

...you mean like he's retarded?
aw... thats mean .... maybe he is just homeschooled.
posted by R. Mutt at 3:58 PM on October 4, 2005

I for one welcome look forward to the Linux hacked version that recites phrases like "He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"
posted by Joeforking at 4:03 PM on October 4, 2005

Couldn't they have picked someone other than Owen Wilson as a model for Mary?

Just seems like an odd choice, that's all...
posted by numlok at 4:12 PM on October 4, 2005

I've gotta make some bank off these Christians. The action figures are ok, but I still love the Jesus-lies-about-his-age-and-plays-little-league statues.
posted by kingfisher, his musclebound cat at 4:17 PM on October 4, 2005

I can't wait to dress up the Jesus doll in my old G.I. Joe outfits.

I hope his Kung-Fu Grip can hold the guns and grenades.
posted by Balisong at 4:19 PM on October 4, 2005

What's with this sequel shit? The Series One Collection was much more interesting - Burning Bush, Whipping Eqyptians, and Purim Playset with R-rrrowl, Esther!
posted by Peter H at 4:21 PM on October 4, 2005

You can *mmm mmm mmmmm mmmmmm mmm* and still be a virgin, Mary!
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:28 PM on October 4, 2005

What in the hell is a multi-directional waist?

It means it twists - so she can use a hula hoop.
posted by WaterSprite at 4:51 PM on October 4, 2005

Make them dark skinned and talk in hebrew and then we'll have ourselves an educational toy.
posted by Peter H at 4:54 PM on October 4, 2005

Peter H, that's not the type of educations the "faithful" are interested in but it would certainly be interesting to watch.

Watersprite, maybe she's a big fan of Chubby Checker?
posted by fenriq at 5:00 PM on October 4, 2005

I had no idea that the heroes of the bible were all cross-eyed. Musta been all that inbreeding.
posted by interrobang at 5:11 PM on October 4, 2005

that's a MAN baby.

(apologies for being redundant)
posted by delmoi at 5:20 PM on October 4, 2005

"Make them dark skinned and talk in hebrew and then we'll have ourselves an educational toy."
I was thinking something along those lines myself when I saw JC's listed feature:
"Realistic eyes."
What the heck does that mean? And is it just me, or the blue page background?
posted by Catch at 5:31 PM on October 4, 2005

Isn't there something against "graven images" in the Bible? And that's without even bringing up their rather silly, insular idea of an all-white cast to represent people who, let's recall, were originally from the Middle East.

You also clearly get the idea that the real Mary heads got held up in transit and they had to make do with another company's overstock...
posted by clevershark at 5:34 PM on October 4, 2005

Isn't there something against "graven images" in the Bible

Yeah, plastic Moses here says it in his 82 seconds of scripture:
"You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below." Priceless.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 5:55 PM on October 4, 2005

After the angel Gabriel left Mary, what do you think Mary said? Well let's see. (push the voice chip button) "My soul glorifies the Lord!" "My name is Talking Tina. And I'm going to kill you." Did you hear that? . . .
posted by bibliowench at 5:55 PM on October 4, 2005

"Make them dark skinned and talk in hebrew"

That would be Aramaic, PeterH. But yeah, you're right.

"HI, I'M JESUS, AND I'M YOUR FRIEND TO THE END! WANNA PLAY???"

muahahahahaha!
posted by zoogleplex at 6:01 PM on October 4, 2005

Am I the only one that thinks that the Jesus one looks like Val Kilmer? He totally should have been Moses.

I still crack up when I remember my trip to Hollywood...looking up and seeing "Val Kilmer IS MOSES!" painted like 30 feet high on a building. It seemed like a parody of a new action movie. It's even more surreal that it was an actual ad for a musical.
posted by Stunt at 6:37 PM on October 4, 2005

That Jesus has a "Buddy Christ" look to him.
posted by clevershark at 6:51 PM on October 4, 2005

My favourite Jesus statue was in the Catalyst in Santa Cruz many years ago.
Neon halo, electic guitar. Is he still there?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:57 PM on October 4, 2005

That would be Aramaic

D'oh! Thanks zoogleplex; my ignorance. See, these dolls could Teach Us All!
posted by Peter H at 7:10 PM on October 4, 2005

"Okay, show me on the talking Jesus where the nice priest touched you, Jimmy."
posted by joe lisboa at 7:36 PM on October 4, 2005

Am I going to hell for thinking about how great my talking Mary action figure is going to look fighting my Bibleman action figure? Thing is, though, kids are smart. Those action figures : real toys as a crisp macintosh apple in your Halloween pillowcase : real candy.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 8:26 PM on October 4, 2005

freshwater_pr0n: great handle. Rolling here! :D

Val Kilmer as Moses, Val Kilmer as Jesus... Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison.

COINCIDENCE???!?!
posted by zoogleplex at 9:38 PM on October 4, 2005

i'm sorry, but this is just wrong, wrong, wrong
posted by quarsan at 10:11 PM on October 4, 2005

From "how to use"page... (use the action figures to help kids) b. Learn the cultural background surrounding the Bible characters and their stories.

Right. My immediate thought was (to echo quite a few comments upthread) if they're to learn about the cultural background, why are they all white?

And kingfisher, those pictures are just begging for a caption contest.

Quarsan: I find the hockey picture to be more off. Everyone knows Jesus was a goalie, not a forward.
posted by caution live frogs at 6:25 AM on October 5, 2005

Apart from Jesus' eyes, which do look blue, I'm not sure why people are saying these dolls look "white" and not "Middle Eastern". Mostly, they look plausibly Middle Eastern, at least as much as any doll looks like what it's supposed to represent. Middle Easterners have varying skin tones, pale white to dark olive or even ruddy, and hair colors may vary from dark reds to deep brown to black. What we call the "Middle East" is a huge swath of the world that takes in the original Caucasians. I have the uncomfortable feeling that folks think these characters should look swarthier or more ethnically marked, somehow - as though we are working with some model of "Middle Eastern" that comes from a propaganda poster, In reality, you might not be able to tell a Middle Easterner from an Italian from a French person from a fifth-generation American on the basis of looks. Travelling through the Middle East, or even just visiting Israel, will illustrate that point.

There have been many charges levelled against representations of Biblical figures over the centuries, on the basis that they were Western-Europeanized. Well, these dolls aren't great-looking but they also don't look Irish, so let's hate them for something else. I don't like the blue eyes on the J-Man, but the coloring on the other characters really doesn't seem wildly off.

BBC article, What Color was Jesus? quotes a scholar as follows: "The artistic representations of Jesus which are so familiar are not necessarily a negative thing, Dr Goodacre says. There is "theologically something quite profound" in the fact that throughout history people have tried to depict Jesus in their own image."
posted by Miko at 7:10 AM on October 5, 2005