A weekend that will have them second-guessing

December 15, 2006 10:22 AM

"Heavy set, older, red heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill. No real female will be refused." The director of a film Roger Ebert initially claimed was less entertaining than a colonoscopy (though he recanted after it was recut) is offering the perfect Christmas gift.
posted by hifiparasol (74 comments total)

I'm not sure if this is a double, but there was a tiny furore over that page when it first went up years ago.
posted by fire&wings at 10:29 AM on December 15, 2006

$200,000 buys the lesbos a weekend. A weekend that will have them second-guessing.

Roll out the red carpet and dust off the ascots - this man is an Aristocrat!
posted by CynicalKnight at 10:33 AM on December 15, 2006 [1 favorite]

Yes, but is he a Manwhore International member?
posted by IronLizard at 10:36 AM on December 15, 2006

I say we take up a collection to buy him for Tova Borgnine.
posted by jonmc at 10:39 AM on December 15, 2006

IF YOU JUST IGNORE VINCENT GALLO HE'LL GO AWAY
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:48 AM on December 15, 2006 [2 favorites]

Take up a collection? That skank-ass ho isn't even worth shoplifting.
posted by loquacious at 10:49 AM on December 15, 2006 [1 favorite]

I wanna know what he's got against Eisenhower. And why would anybody buy an inflatable Charles Manson that is autographed by somebody else?
posted by NoMich at 10:49 AM on December 15, 2006

After reading that entire 'misc' page, I've no longer any doubt that Gallo is a true artist.
posted by rokusan at 10:59 AM on December 15, 2006

Self-promoting idiot promotes self with idiotically "offensive" webpage, gets MeFi to help with promotion. Profit!
posted by languagehat at 11:07 AM on December 15, 2006

He looks like he's wearing a mask of his own face.
posted by MegoSteve at 11:09 AM on December 15, 2006 [2 favorites]

Too bad that Chris Squire 8-track is gone.
posted by fixedgear at 11:09 AM on December 15, 2006

I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt.
posted by signal at 11:13 AM on December 15, 2006

Wow... I thought he was an asshole before... but did you read the racist tirade in the entry where he's selling sperm. What scum!
posted by MythMaker at 11:23 AM on December 15, 2006

Are you people taking this seriously?
posted by mr_roboto at 11:27 AM on December 15, 2006

If you keep mocking him, he'll give you cancer.
posted by Optamystic at 11:29 AM on December 15, 2006

Are you people taking this seriously?

I think the whole idea is that Gallo desperately needs to be mocked and laughed at.
posted by hifiparasol at 11:33 AM on December 15, 2006

MythMaker: it's extremely calculated shock seeking. By being shocked! and appalled! your feeding his ego. Just laugh at his silly ass.
posted by jonmc at 11:34 AM on December 15, 2006

Nobody seems to notice just how fucking boring Vincent Gallo is. Nobody but himself.
posted by koeselitz at 11:40 AM on December 15, 2006

Who the fuck is Vincent Gallo and why does he make my eyes itch?
posted by illiad at 11:43 AM on December 15, 2006

Gee, and I thought I didn't want anything for the holidays....
posted by Holy foxy moxie batman! at 11:44 AM on December 15, 2006

"It is true that I am fat," Ebert wrote. "But one day I shall be thin, and he will still be the director of The Brown Bunny."

haha. you suck gallo.
posted by fidgets at 11:45 AM on December 15, 2006

As a fellow zombie, he shames me.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:45 AM on December 15, 2006

Have you who are so quick to diss him watched his movies? He does a tremendous job at being a celebrity persona that exists diegetically and extra-diegetically. I find him a very interesting artist for that. Kaufmanesque. Only perhaps a bigger asshole. But Kaufman wasn't bless with Gallo's hideousness.

I was in a film class once when this hipster chick next to me slurred something about how badly she wanted to have asleepover with Gallo, since he didn't do drugs and never slept with men. She was lost in the irony spiral.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:48 AM on December 15, 2006

From Ebert's review of the recut version:

Critics who saw the film last autumn at the Venice and Toronto festivals walked in expecting the disaster they'd read about from Cannes. Here is Bill Chambers of Film Freak Central, writing from Toronto: "Ebert catalogued his mainstream biases (unbroken takes: bad; non-classical structure: bad; name actresses being aggressively sexual: bad) ... and then had a bigger delusion of grandeur than 'The Brown Bunny's' Gallo-centric credit assignations: 'I will one day be thin but Vincent Gallo will always be the director of 'The Brown Bunny.' "

Faithful readers will know that I admire long takes, especially by Ozu, that I hunger for non-classical structure, and that I have absolutely nothing against sex in the cinema. In quoting my line about one day being thin, Chambers might in fairness have explained that I was responding to Gallo calling me a "fat pig" -- and, for that matter, since I made that statement I have lost 86 pounds and Gallo is indeed still the director of "The Brown Bunny."

But he is not the director of the same "Brown Bunny" I saw at Cannes, and the film now plays so differently that I suggest the original Cannes cut be included as part of the eventual DVD, so that viewers can see for themselves how 26 minutes of aggressively pointless and empty footage can sink a potentially successful film. ...

I've actually never seen a Gallo film (though people around this town have a bizarre fascination with Buffalo 66), but I can definitely hear where Ebert's coming from on this one -- and not only with film. I've workshpped a lot of stories that desperately needed to have stuff cut out of them that the authors thought was crusial to understanding the story. At least it seems that Gallo was able to get past the insult and do what was necessary.

OTOH, that website is either brilliant, pathetic, or (more likely) both.
posted by lodurr at 11:51 AM on December 15, 2006

What AV said. Buffalo 66 was one of the best films of the decade.
posted by rokusan at 11:52 AM on December 15, 2006

I disliked it.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:54 AM on December 15, 2006

She was lost in the irony spiral.

AV, I've never seen either of his movies (though I might be interested in Buffalo 66, I really don't think I could sit through The Brown Bunny knowing what the payoff is), but I think I feel like the girl you mention in your post when I read, for instance, the sperm-donor part of his website. Is this ironic? Is it for real? Is it meta-ironic subtextual meta-irony? My head starts to hurt, and I feel like I'm dealing with an artist who's laughing at me for not "getting" him, and I want to just tell him to fuck off.

I choose to accept the whole Vincent Gallo mystique as something that I'm just not bohemian enough for, and never will be, because I enjoy straightforward communication. So I point and laugh.
posted by hifiparasol at 11:56 AM on December 15, 2006

He does a tremendous job at being a celebrity persona that exists diegetically and extra-diegetically.

What in the blessed world are you talking about?
posted by jonmc at 12:00 PM on December 15, 2006

Why would I pay $100,00 to sleep with Vincent Gallo if, as a woman, I can just dab on the musk of "I'm available," walk into a bar, and get laid for free?
posted by suki at 12:00 PM on December 15, 2006 [2 favorites]

"It is true that I am fat," Ebert wrote. "But one day I shall be thin["]

Just like Churchill got sober that one time.
posted by rkent at 12:02 PM on December 15, 2006

Geez, is it really that complex? He's making fun of himself and his "celebrity" status.
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 12:03 PM on December 15, 2006

jonmc: the diegesis is the world presented in a film. Sorry, I'm a film academic and a bit of a snot for not defining my terms.

Gallo's IMDb bio is supplementally hysterical. REad his quotes, baffle at his popularity among the hip, weird and talented of NYC.

FWIW, I'm not his greatest fan, but I also don't think he should be seen as difficult to "get." it's really not a complicated schtick - misanthropic egomaniac - just a very dimly funny one. I seriously think the whole thing is a ruff on his being smart and FFFFFFFugly.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:06 PM on December 15, 2006

Why would I pay $100,00 to sleep with Vincent Gallo?

Didn't you read the website? He's got a HUGE COCK. Isn't that, like, all women care about?

What in the blessed world are you talking about?

AV probably means that the difference between Vince Gallo and the characters he plays is, at best, blurry. Chloe Sevigny, for instance, who plays the ex who sucks him off at the end of The Brown Bunny, is also his ex in real life.
posted by hifiparasol at 12:06 PM on December 15, 2006

ruff=riff and I need to cut that down to a short mocha...
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:07 PM on December 15, 2006

I confess that I was dismayed to find out that P J Harvey had an affair with him. She even dedicated a song on her last album to him. Ugh.
posted by jokeefe at 12:09 PM on December 15, 2006

BTW, Ambrosia Voyeur, while I agree with your sentiment (I, uh, think), mirriamwebster.com says that diegetically "isn't in the dictionary," and suggests that I "click on a spelling suggestion below or try again using the search bar above."

Not snarking, just curious as to what you were intending to say.
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 12:10 PM on December 15, 2006

Oops, sorry, you already explained!
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 12:10 PM on December 15, 2006

I confess that I was dismayed to find out that P J Harvey had an affair with him. She even dedicated a song on her last album to him. Ugh.

He dug her ruby red lips and child bearing hips is all.
posted by jonmc at 12:12 PM on December 15, 2006

He's making fun of himself and his "celebrity" status.

...but I also don't think he should be seen as difficult to "get." it's really not a complicated schtick - misanthropic egomaniac - just a very dimly funny one. I seriously think the whole thing is a ruff on his being smart and FFFFFFFugly.

Yeah, I don't really buy it. We've all seen irony and satire done well, and the vast majority of us are bright enough to spot when someone's being derisive about their own celebrity or self-deprecating in general.

Gallo's act is just confusing enough that you can't entirely interpret him as a boho blowhard who takes himself too seriously, but nor can you rely on the notion that he might just be engaging in straight self-mockery. The result is a weird possible combination of both -- one that's meant to confuse the reader. I like being challenged; I don't like being toyed with.
posted by hifiparasol at 12:16 PM on December 15, 2006

2or3whiskeysodas, when I finish my education, in like 10 more years, I think I'll compile a list of all the erudite terms cinema studies uses that merriam webster doesn't acknowledge and use them as a syllabus. In a class on how to alienate people, I guess.

hifiparasol: Whenever I hear that kind of argument, which I think is nothing if not valid, it makes me feel more cognizant of all the ways "regular" celebs are managed, deployed, maneuvered to "toy" with us for unseen objectives. Like WTF with Britney's snatch, for example... I am a confused reader of that. That's gotta be mentioned as a worthy parallel to Gallo's antics.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:26 PM on December 15, 2006

If this is a joke, it's a very poorly conceived one. If it isn't a joke, this guy is a pompous, conceited asshole. Either way, he's left me with no desire to see any film he may have ever been associated with.
posted by caution live frogs at 12:34 PM on December 15, 2006

he's left me with no desire to see any film he may have ever been associated with.

I caught a few minutes of Buffalo 66 on cable once. It featured Christina Ricci's boobies bouncing in a dance studio sequence. That could redeem it somewhat, I imagine.
posted by jonmc at 12:37 PM on December 15, 2006

Huh - that might redeem it indeed.
posted by caution live frogs at 12:45 PM on December 15, 2006

Have you who are so quick to diss him watched his movies? He does a tremendous job at being a celebrity persona that exists diegetically and extra-diegetically. I find him a very interesting artist for that. Kaufmanesque. Only perhaps a bigger asshole.

Precisely! I'd even argue that Gallo has the edge on Kaufman in one respect - the sort of person who will blindly profess a love of Kaufman, because they're supposed to, will blindly profess a loathing for Gallo; he's pitched his act so well that he takes in those who assume they always get this kind of joke.
posted by jack_mo at 12:46 PM on December 15, 2006

I've come to the conclusion that he just IS an arrogant boob who pretends to be pretending to be one so he can get away with it.

Occam's razor and all that.
posted by InnocentBystander at 12:48 PM on December 15, 2006

Vincent Gallo joking about whoring himself out is about as funny as Rosanne Barr doing the same thing. The joke might work if he was halfway attractive, but he's gut-clenchingly hideous. I'd rather fuck the tree in the back yard.
posted by watsondog at 12:55 PM on December 15, 2006

I'd rather fuck the tree in the back yard.

You've got wood for the wood. I understand.
posted by jonmc at 12:58 PM on December 15, 2006 [1 favorite]

I've known hundreds of people who were assholes, and who had defenders saying, "Oh, that's just him, either you get him or you don't."

I get him. He's an asshole. It's not a social statement, it's not a joke, it's an extended excuse for being a jerk.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:00 PM on December 15, 2006

Okay, try this on for size. The first time I ever heard of this guy was in this piece from Grand Royal magazine, in which he "interviews" himself. If you can get past

Imagine, little old me, the great Vincent Gallo, getting to interview him, oh my God, the great Vincent Gallo.

withouth your self-parodydar* going off, then...well, I guess you're just a far more suspicious reader of celebrity culture than I am.

The piece then goes on to savage many, many current, former, and (most tellingly) future colleagues in such an over-the-top manner that I find it 100% impossible to believe that it wasn't intended as something of a joke (even if only between himself and the object of his supposed disdain, with the reader left to gape and laugh). I mean, c'mon, he says that Chloe Sevigny "who when she's not drunk and posing in movies is busy out spreading Harmony Korine's herpes." And then cast her in his next movie.

It's all a shtick. You might not think it's a very good shtick, but to my eyes, shtick it is.

* AV, I think that's one of them fancy film-schoolin' terms, too, huh?
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 1:02 PM on December 15, 2006

diegetic?
posted by econous at 1:07 PM on December 15, 2006

2or3whiskeysodas: You're IN! Next lesson: Andy Warhol's Blow Job. Vocab to study: Boregasm.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:16 PM on December 15, 2006

jonmc: "Just laugh at his silly ass."

Done. I thought it was funny. And he's actually pretty good in Palookaville (a funny movie that unfortunately has almost the same plot as Bottle Rocket, but came out earlier).
posted by jmcnally at 1:34 PM on December 15, 2006

Whatever...obviously, it's a attention-seeking joke, and props to Gallo for having the insanity to fuck with and exploit his "celebrity" persona. Yes, he's an asshole, and yes, he's an egomaniac. So? Can't you see that he's also doing it just to get all of you to call him out on it?
posted by ghastlyfop at 1:50 PM on December 15, 2006

hifiparasol beat me to it. What the fuck was Chloe Sevigny thinking, either when she dated him or when she allowed him to give her a facial on film?

And PJ Harvey dated him? Jesus, he's like kryptonite to talented females gone south.
posted by bardic at 3:29 PM on December 15, 2006

I thought prostitution was illegal.

I'd love for some undercover female cop from New York to call his bluff.
posted by konolia at 3:35 PM on December 15, 2006

watsondog: "I'd rather fuck the tree in the back yard."

Can I commend this book for your attention.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:45 PM on December 15, 2006

Sorry, no entries for diegetically were found. (Chambers)

What a tosser
posted by Joeforking at 3:47 PM on December 15, 2006

Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount.


Heavy set, older, red heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill.

Mr. Gallo believes that miscegenation is bad. Unless, of course, the miscegenatrix agrees to pay him $100,000.

Jesus. What a ho!
posted by jason's_planet at 7:26 PM on December 15, 2006

It's not uncommon for uber-hipsters to be so daring in their racial consciousness that they end up sounding, if not being, incredible fucking bigots.

(And what the hell is wrong with the redheads? I have nothing but love for my ginger-sisters.)

So yeah, fuck this guy. Maybe if he'd put out a cool album or a film that actually delivered on a few of his semi-interesting ideas.
posted by bardic at 8:01 PM on December 15, 2006

Buffalo 66 was a great movie, though.
posted by empath at 9:16 PM on December 15, 2006

"Roger Ebert's colonoscopy" - what a hugely depressing concept
posted by growabrain at 10:06 PM on December 15, 2006

The sad thing is that I knew exactly who this post was about before I clicked on a single link.
posted by slimepuppy at 4:40 AM on December 16, 2006

"Just back from, Spain and the filming of Moscow Zero with Val Kilmer, Vincent Gallo is offering up this made to order black Burberry trench coat. This authentic Burberry coat was completely made to order for Vincent Gallo and his role in Moscow Zero. He wears the coat in every scene. This beautiful coat made to order in England cost $3,000! Vincent Gallo has autographed an inside label "Worn in Moscow Zero by Vincent Gallo 2005."

Measurements are 18" shoulder, 20" chest, 43" length."

18" shoulders? What is he, a hobbit?
posted by Sukiari at 4:49 AM on December 16, 2006

jason's_planet: Gotta think, again, that that's a joke, seeing as how he was involved in the early NYC breakdancing scene and tight with Basquiat.

Honestly, though, I don't know why I've chosen to act as Gallo's advocate here. I'm not even much of a fan. I guess it's because I find his public persona more interesting than anything else I've seen him do.
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 7:44 AM on December 16, 2006

Diegetic
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 7:48 AM on December 16, 2006

Gotta think, again, that that's a joke, seeing as how he was involved in the early NYC breakdancing scene and tight with Basquiat.

Maybe. You could be right.

But I have met quite a few caucasians who hold bigoted attitudes and at the same time, are quite fascinated by black people, have black friends, are more conversant with hip-hop culture than I'll ever be. People are complicated.
posted by jason's_planet at 8:34 AM on December 16, 2006

Gallo is a remix of all the pretentious creative people you've ever known. Too busy being clever to be entertaining.

And he's ugly.
posted by Freecola at 9:02 AM on December 16, 2006

Why pay $1 million for his sperm when you can get it right from the source for just $50,000? What a deal!
posted by SisterHavana at 10:54 AM on December 16, 2006

He is a creepy, narcissistic--no doubt smelly--troll who plays creepy, narcissistic trolls in the movies. Buffalo 66? Unforgettable.

I'd like to see him hook-up with Paris Hilton.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 11:17 AM on December 17, 2006

Wow! So edgy and in-your-face! What a provocateur!

...as if I needed more reasons to loathe Vincent Gallo.
posted by inoculatedcities at 11:56 AM on December 17, 2006

"Gotta think, again, that that's a joke, seeing as how he was involved in the early NYC breakdancing scene and tight with Basquiat."

Err...not really. From the horse's mouth:

"Anyway, a month later [Basquiat] was a millionaire art star. Sometimes it's good to be black."

A founding member of Gray, the band he was supposedly "in" with Basquiat, takes issue with Gallo's ad nauseum repetition of this claim. In fact, he bought a domain just to tell you about it.

But I suppose this latest stunt is accomplishing exactly what Vincent Gallo wants: people talking about Vincent Gallo.

Yawn.
posted by inoculatedcities at 12:03 PM on December 17, 2006

Also from a horse's ... mouth:: "I'm not an artist, I'm a hustler. As a hustler I've done many things. You should really believe it when I tell you that, 'cause I'm not being sarcastic. I'm a total hustler. What that means is I've hustled to make a buck and I've hustled to change the world and I've hustled to take revenge - but it's always hustling. I've never had a career or a single goal. I've never been formally educated. To get things together, to make a living, I constantly have to hustle."

If the film is good, or the performance is good, great. But why should anyone listen to him after he says stuff like this?
posted by lodurr at 2:12 PM on December 17, 2006

Third Class, that hair shall be regulation and that face shall shaved by next muster; carry on.

Ewww.
posted by pax digita at 4:56 PM on December 17, 2006

Vincent Gallo always reminds me of time spent drinking with buddies who work on oil rigs. Sometimes I know a thing's a joke, but I don't know why, or how. I can recognize the joke, but not its form - I'm left dizzy, pounding my head against the set-up, and grasping for the punch.

"Laugh," I think, "or wink, elbow me, do something to acknowledge the joke, so I can at least laugh at not having gotten it."

But, as Ebert says in his review, "There is a kind of communication going on here that... needs not one word of explanation, and gets none."
posted by rush at 3:15 PM on December 18, 2006