In bed with Captain Kirk
May 12, 2008 8:43 AM Subscribe
"We were treated like rock stars. I was told there were female Trekkies who kept lists of all the cast members with whom they'd slept. I was told this!" Extracts from 'Up To Now', the autobiography of William Shatner... from his time on Star Trek, where he comes over as the colossal jerk of legend, to his poignant recollections of the death of his third wife.
But if we had Captain Christopher Pike instead, we'd never leave planet Boring, in the No Fun Quadrant.
posted by cowbellemoo at 8:58 AM on May 12, 2008 [6 favorites]
posted by cowbellemoo at 8:58 AM on May 12, 2008 [6 favorites]
That man's ego is the size of a galaxy. He can be kind of comedically self-deprecating, but sheesh. In my earlier nerdly days I attended no small number of 'Star Trek' conventions and got to meet pretty much the entire cast, including Shatner - and yes he was an absolute ass to everyone, although he did give a nice speech.
If you want another view (and not a flattering one) of Shatner, give Wil Wheaton's book Dancing Barefoot a try. The rather (in)famous 'Spongebob Vegaspants' essay specifically. It's unevenly written and a little whiney but you definately get the point.
posted by elendil71 at 9:02 AM on May 12, 2008
If you want another view (and not a flattering one) of Shatner, give Wil Wheaton's book Dancing Barefoot a try. The rather (in)famous 'Spongebob Vegaspants' essay specifically. It's unevenly written and a little whiney but you definately get the point.
posted by elendil71 at 9:02 AM on May 12, 2008
Wait a minute, you mean a famous guy was chased by groupies and availed himself of their favors? Saints preserve us! (Dude, the main reason people become actors, musicians or whatever is to get girls, in case you haven't heard).
posted by jonmc at 9:08 AM on May 12, 2008
posted by jonmc at 9:08 AM on May 12, 2008
I stood behind Shatner in line for coffee once. He was wearing white pants made of thin material -- like a casual linen/light cotton -- and I was mesmerized by his visible panty line. Couldn't take my eyes off it. Kept thinking "Huh. I'm actually staring at Captain Kirk's underwear right now" to myself. Sometimes Los Angeles IS fun, dammit.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:11 AM on May 12, 2008 [13 favorites]
posted by miss lynnster at 9:11 AM on May 12, 2008 [13 favorites]
Did you get a glipse of the 'Captain's Log?'
posted by jonmc at 9:13 AM on May 12, 2008 [47 favorites]
posted by jonmc at 9:13 AM on May 12, 2008 [47 favorites]
(Dude, the main reason people become actors, musicians or whatever is to get girls, in case you haven't heard).
Or guys, as the case may be.
A number of good bits in there, but yeah, Shatner's ego is apparently one of the monsters from the original series' third season. I'm not sure how many of his fellow cast members, other than Nimoy, are/were still talking to him. Although Takei's bit at the Shatner roast wasn't bad.
Hadn't known about Nimoy's alcoholism.
posted by thomas j wise at 9:16 AM on May 12, 2008
Or guys, as the case may be.
A number of good bits in there, but yeah, Shatner's ego is apparently one of the monsters from the original series' third season. I'm not sure how many of his fellow cast members, other than Nimoy, are/were still talking to him. Although Takei's bit at the Shatner roast wasn't bad.
Hadn't known about Nimoy's alcoholism.
posted by thomas j wise at 9:16 AM on May 12, 2008
My ex-wife's mother sat behind William Shatner in a class they shared at McGill and she said he had disgusting pimples all over the back of his neck. So just remember that.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 9:19 AM on May 12, 2008
posted by Turtles all the way down at 9:19 AM on May 12, 2008
Did him. Nice guy really, despite the a-hole rep. Sulu too, who has since come out. Nurse Chapel wasn't bad, but Gene "Master of the Universe" got all alpha-male territorial on me. Chekhov was a cute lil' cub in those days -- I'd have him talk dirty to me in Russian. Uhura, damn, she looked good once I got that weird thingie out of her ear. Spock = hung, but how you say in Vulcan, cold fish? And that beard was an intergalactic disaster. Mudd's women? They had wine, incense, and candles, it was such a freaky scene. The Horta was a drag even for chub-lovers -- its "sweat" ate right through my Egyptian cotton pillowcases. The TNG cast was hotter in general -- Picard broke my heart just running on impulse -- but Riker? Hungry bottom for days. Whorf? I'm still limping. And that holographic doctor -- no thanks, or rather, never again; a pissy ka-ween in any galaxy. As for Wesley... sometimes those little femmes can surprise you. Raow.
posted by digaman at 9:19 AM on May 12, 2008 [12 favorites]
posted by digaman at 9:19 AM on May 12, 2008 [12 favorites]
You're such a tramp, digaman. The Tribbles are still upset that you never return their calls.
posted by jonmc at 9:22 AM on May 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by jonmc at 9:22 AM on May 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
I was never a huge Trek fan, but, oddly, my college girlfriend bore more than a passing resemblance to Deanna Troi. So much so that at a party we both attended , some goofball kept calling her 'Counselor.'
posted by jonmc at 9:26 AM on May 12, 2008
posted by jonmc at 9:26 AM on May 12, 2008
William Shatner on This is Your Life (circa 1989, British tv)
posted by miss lynnster at 9:27 AM on May 12, 2008
posted by miss lynnster at 9:27 AM on May 12, 2008
.
posted by ZachsMind at 9:29 AM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by ZachsMind at 9:29 AM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
I'm just wondering what shocking secrets of the make-up room Shatners was trying to protect.
posted by Artw at 9:31 AM on May 12, 2008
posted by Artw at 9:31 AM on May 12, 2008
My ex-wife's mother sat behind William Shatner in a class they shared at McGill and she said he had disgusting pimples all over the back of his neck. So just remember that.
Aha!
posted by Artw at 9:32 AM on May 12, 2008
Aha!
posted by Artw at 9:32 AM on May 12, 2008
My ex-wife's mother sat behind William Shatner in a class they shared at McGill and she said he had disgusting pimples all over the back of his neck. So just remember that.
I guess I was too busy looking at his ass to notice his zit neck...
posted by miss lynnster at 9:36 AM on May 12, 2008
I guess I was too busy looking at his ass to notice his zit neck...
posted by miss lynnster at 9:36 AM on May 12, 2008
There is a classic mp3 of Shatner throwing a small tantrum when asked to do another take of a voiceover. It's pretty funny. I almost shatnered my pants when I first heard it.
posted by MuffinMan at 9:45 AM on May 12, 2008 [7 favorites]
posted by MuffinMan at 9:45 AM on May 12, 2008 [7 favorites]
Wow. I often think that anyone who goes to a convention is a little bit of a loser, but obviously the Shatner haters are one up on the convention attenders... the irony of it is that your autobiographies, should there be anything to write about, will no doubt be as blissfully ignorant of your lack of self awareness as you think his is! I-ron-y!
posted by ewkpates at 10:04 AM on May 12, 2008
posted by ewkpates at 10:04 AM on May 12, 2008
Shatner's last album was very very good.
posted by Vindaloo at 10:10 AM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by Vindaloo at 10:10 AM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
Muffinman that was ace, thanks!
and yeah. of all the people in the world he could have chosen to work with on an album, he chose Ben Folds.
genius.
end of.
posted by galactain at 10:15 AM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
and yeah. of all the people in the world he could have chosen to work with on an album, he chose Ben Folds.
genius.
end of.
posted by galactain at 10:15 AM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
Shatner's last album was very very good.
Do you mean his oratorio in three parts based on the Exodus which was released last year?
posted by joseph_elmhurst at 10:17 AM on May 12, 2008
Do you mean his oratorio in three parts based on the Exodus which was released last year?
posted by joseph_elmhurst at 10:17 AM on May 12, 2008
I was told there were female Trekkies who kept lists of all the cast members with whom they'd slept.
With that sort of language up I will not put.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:24 AM on May 12, 2008
With that sort of language up I will not put.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:24 AM on May 12, 2008
That is language up with which I will not put. If you're going to make fun of good grammar, at least use good grammar.
posted by found missing at 10:50 AM on May 12, 2008
posted by found missing at 10:50 AM on May 12, 2008
Shatner is a god among men. Few of you are fit to lick his federation issue ankle boots let alone get a double fisted chop to the spine.
But there is hope. It's good to see that digaman has taken the Prime Directive not only to heart but put that baby in action. I'm recommending you, sir, to Starfleet for immediate promotion to Commodore. Welcome aboard.
posted by tkchrist at 10:51 AM on May 12, 2008
But there is hope. It's good to see that digaman has taken the Prime Directive not only to heart but put that baby in action. I'm recommending you, sir, to Starfleet for immediate promotion to Commodore. Welcome aboard.
posted by tkchrist at 10:51 AM on May 12, 2008
[Saluting tkchrist, and arranging my astonishingly tight-fitting uniform just so.]
posted by digaman at 11:09 AM on May 12, 2008
posted by digaman at 11:09 AM on May 12, 2008
I'd still sleep with Shatner if I could. Just because he's old, fat and obnoxious doesn't mean I'd sleep with him any less. I can't help it, he's William Shatner, James Tiberius Kirk, and Denny Crane.
I'd tap that.
posted by emperor.seamus at 11:21 AM on May 12, 2008
I'd tap that.
posted by emperor.seamus at 11:21 AM on May 12, 2008
I have this recollection of reading an interview with Ron Asheton (guitarist w/Iggy & the Stooges) in this 1990 issue of the Michigan fanzine Motorbooty, in which he recalled that while they were recording Fun House in L.A. in 1970 they dropped LSD and went to a bar in Hollywood. Shatner was at the bar and proceeded to hit on Ron Asheton, who said it was strange to be tripping and having Captain Kirk try to pick you up. I don't think it was a gay bar, and I have no idea if the story is correct or if Shatner is bi/gay, but it's a funny story nonetheless. (And then there's the Shatner Roast: also funny).
posted by ornate insect at 11:22 AM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by ornate insect at 11:22 AM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
The student center at McGill is unofficially called the Shatner Building. It's unofficial because, the rumor goes, there is a university rule that buildings can only be named after dead people or donors. Shatner won some sort of student vote to decide on the name of the building, so the administration approached him and told them they'd name the building after him if he donated. He sent them a fifty. Apparently, it wasn't enough.
posted by painquale at 11:30 AM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by painquale at 11:30 AM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
Ego arrives on a motorcycle at the writer's house to read the script, and calls the show's producer to complain that Spock has more lines of dialogue. City on the Edge of Forever: The Original Teleplayby Harlan Ellison
posted by asfuller at 11:35 AM on May 12, 2008
posted by asfuller at 11:35 AM on May 12, 2008
"When did Captain Kirk become Captain Crunch?" Lisa Lampenelli at Shatner Roast (nsfw)
posted by ornate insect at 11:44 AM on May 12, 2008
posted by ornate insect at 11:44 AM on May 12, 2008
Kirk vs. Ellison, that's a fight I'd pay to see.
posted by Artw at 11:44 AM on May 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by Artw at 11:44 AM on May 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
""We were treated like rock stars. I was told there were female Trekkies who kept lists of all the cast members with whom they'd slept. I was told this!"
Sort of like the people who do the casting for Heroes. I wonder how many times they've tried to stunt-cast the Shat?
posted by Artw at 12:03 PM on May 12, 2008
Sort of like the people who do the casting for Heroes. I wonder how many times they've tried to stunt-cast the Shat?
posted by Artw at 12:03 PM on May 12, 2008
During much of this time I was single and I had opportunities to be with many women - and I grasped a great many of them. Never at warp speed.
Admittedly, there were times when the woman I was with said: "So this is what it's like to be in bed with Captain Kirk."
That was definitely a downer, in every sense of the word.
I would pay real, folding money to hear him say that with all the verve and style with which Kirk would explain humanity to a woman in a steel bra.
posted by dzot at 12:10 PM on May 12, 2008
Admittedly, there were times when the woman I was with said: "So this is what it's like to be in bed with Captain Kirk."
That was definitely a downer, in every sense of the word.
I would pay real, folding money to hear him say that with all the verve and style with which Kirk would explain humanity to a woman in a steel bra.
posted by dzot at 12:10 PM on May 12, 2008
We were treated like rock stars. I was told there were female Trekkies who kept lists of all the cast members with whom they'd slept.
How pissed would you be if you were one of those female Trekkies, and your list never got any longer than George Takei.
posted by ibmcginty at 12:12 PM on May 12, 2008
How pissed would you be if you were one of those female Trekkies, and your list never got any longer than George Takei.
posted by ibmcginty at 12:12 PM on May 12, 2008
Coincidentally, I just watched the roast last night. It was... odd. I think George Takei was the butt of more jokes than Shatner, and I'd never even heard of half the roasters. Farrah Fawcett was a complete mess, and fumbled one joke so badly that she made an aside to insist that she wasn't "on anything." (I don't think anyone believed her.) Lisa Lampanelli read her entire bit word-for-word off a sheet of paper. Andy Dick tried to lick everybody, and I don't mean figuratively as in "defeat" or "beat up;" I mean literally, with his tongue. René Auberjonois, in the audience, just looked appalled through most of the evening.
My favorite joke was aimed at Takei: "So, George, when you came out of the closet, did the doors go shhhhhhhhkh?"
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:17 PM on May 12, 2008
My favorite joke was aimed at Takei: "So, George, when you came out of the closet, did the doors go shhhhhhhhkh?"
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:17 PM on May 12, 2008
Shatner is God
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 12:17 PM on May 12, 2008
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 12:17 PM on May 12, 2008
For my final scene I had to leap from one side of a collapsed bridge to the other. The bridge collapses and Kirk falls to his death.
My last line, was: "Oh ... my... " but I had written some other lines.
When I leapt on to the bridge I said: "Captain on the bridge," which was the way I had always announced my presence on the bridge of the Enterprise.
And when the bridge collapsed on me I said: "Bridge on the captain."
That's gold, Jerry! Gold!
posted by dzot at 12:20 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
My last line, was: "Oh ... my... " but I had written some other lines.
When I leapt on to the bridge I said: "Captain on the bridge," which was the way I had always announced my presence on the bridge of the Enterprise.
And when the bridge collapsed on me I said: "Bridge on the captain."
That's gold, Jerry! Gold!
posted by dzot at 12:20 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
faint of butt--I liked the line where Jeff Ross said "just once I wish the Enterprise had landed on a planet with an acting school."
posted by ornate insect at 12:22 PM on May 12, 2008
posted by ornate insect at 12:22 PM on May 12, 2008
I watched Iron Man last night and I really loved it. What I might have loved most, though, is what an asshole Tony Stark is, start to finish, and a self-aware asshole, at that. You've got to love him for it. If Shatner were a superhero, surely he'd be Iron Man.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:38 PM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by uncleozzy at 12:38 PM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
(Dude, the main reason people become actors, musicians or whatever is to get girls, in case you haven't heard).
I think that's actually the primary motivation for *every* career.
posted by Project F at 12:46 PM on May 12, 2008
I think that's actually the primary motivation for *every* career.
posted by Project F at 12:46 PM on May 12, 2008
I've told this story on MeFi before, but it bears repeating.
A friend of an ex of mine made a hobby out of meeting celebs. He had a very simple yet effective modus operandi. He'd approach the celeb, and say, "Hi, [name of celeb]! Great to see you! I loved you in [name of celeb's last project]." Celebrities then must be nice because they are contractually obligated to promote their project and they never know who might be around to catch them not doing so.
So, this guy was out somewhere and saw Shatner. Shatner was then in something of a career low point. He'd just done a series of commercials with his wife, who had then proceeded to depart from their marriage with a hefty percentage of his net worth. So, my ex's friend approached Shatner and said, "Hey, Bill Shatner! Great to see you! I loved you in the Dominion commercial!"
Shatner looked levelly at him for several seconds, then said, "Fuck off," and walked away.
posted by orange swan at 12:58 PM on May 12, 2008 [11 favorites]
A friend of an ex of mine made a hobby out of meeting celebs. He had a very simple yet effective modus operandi. He'd approach the celeb, and say, "Hi, [name of celeb]! Great to see you! I loved you in [name of celeb's last project]." Celebrities then must be nice because they are contractually obligated to promote their project and they never know who might be around to catch them not doing so.
So, this guy was out somewhere and saw Shatner. Shatner was then in something of a career low point. He'd just done a series of commercials with his wife, who had then proceeded to depart from their marriage with a hefty percentage of his net worth. So, my ex's friend approached Shatner and said, "Hey, Bill Shatner! Great to see you! I loved you in the Dominion commercial!"
Shatner looked levelly at him for several seconds, then said, "Fuck off," and walked away.
posted by orange swan at 12:58 PM on May 12, 2008 [11 favorites]
The Shat Sings Common People
Shatner as Captain Kirk, TJ Hooker, and Rescue 911 host William Shatner in a parody of Seven. "Envy me?! You are me!"
Yep, that's why I went into web development. No groupies...yet.
posted by kirkaracha at 1:29 PM on May 12, 2008
Shatner as Captain Kirk, TJ Hooker, and Rescue 911 host William Shatner in a parody of Seven. "Envy me?! You are me!"
I think that's actually the primary motivation for *every* career.
Yep, that's why I went into web development. No groupies...yet.
posted by kirkaracha at 1:29 PM on May 12, 2008
Shatner. I'd fight William Shatner.
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 1:42 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 1:42 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
I became an actor because of William Shatner.
I don't care if he's a dick. I will always love the man.
So.
Be nice.
You'll miss him when he's gone.
posted by Dizzy at 2:13 PM on May 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
I don't care if he's a dick. I will always love the man.
So.
Be nice.
You'll miss him when he's gone.
posted by Dizzy at 2:13 PM on May 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
Admit it, only a complete asshole could play Captain Kirk. Can you imagine Alan Alda bagging space babes and making the galaxy safe for America? No.
The new guy in the J.J. Abrams movie better be a total dick or NOBODY will buy into it.
Fortunately, there is no shortage of self-absorbed horse's asses in Hollywood.
posted by briank at 2:58 PM on May 12, 2008
The new guy in the J.J. Abrams movie better be a total dick or NOBODY will buy into it.
Fortunately, there is no shortage of self-absorbed horse's asses in Hollywood.
posted by briank at 2:58 PM on May 12, 2008
Can you imagine Alan Alda bagging space babes and making the galaxy safe for America?
Bagging the babes? yes, he worked that sensitive guy shtick like a demon. Babes eat that shit up. He had Harry Morgan to do the safe making.
posted by jonmc at 3:14 PM on May 12, 2008
Bagging the babes? yes, he worked that sensitive guy shtick like a demon. Babes eat that shit up. He had Harry Morgan to do the safe making.
posted by jonmc at 3:14 PM on May 12, 2008
You know, Shatner being an egocentric ass is part of his appeal.
Yes, I love him for playing Captain Kirk, but I also love him for his God-awful work, which he approached with just as much commitment as he approached his better work. I mean, he's made some seriously boneheaded career choices with the utmost sincerity.
The Transformed Man? That trumps every other awful album by a celebrity, and even if he now has a sense of humor about it, the enormity of its awfulness just can't be ignored. In fact, it is the enormity of its awfulness that makes it awesome and hilarious. The fact that he embraces the awfulness of it and milks it for comic value demonstrates Shatner's awesomeness. If you're enjoying something he did, he doesn't care why you're enjoying it. "Laugh at me, but hire me again."
The man has one of the longest unbroken careers in Hollywood. Yes, some years his career wasn't as bright as other years, but he's managed to be constantly visible for four decades. That is amazing.
The fact that his cast mates didn't like him and he was mostly unaware of that for years? Legendary. Complaining about his line count in Star Trek scripts? Awesome story. Personal tragedies and health issues? Poignant and reveals his humanity.
Everything Shatner does turns into a kind of gold - sometimes real gold, sometimes fool's gold, sometimes a steam of bat piss that shines out when all around is dark - but its shiney and yellow and, hey, if its on TV we can pretend its real gold no matter what.
Love you, Shatner. Don't ever change. When God finally beams you up, I hope you have the biggest, best attended memorial service in the history of Hollywood.
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:16 PM on May 12, 2008 [17 favorites]
Yes, I love him for playing Captain Kirk, but I also love him for his God-awful work, which he approached with just as much commitment as he approached his better work. I mean, he's made some seriously boneheaded career choices with the utmost sincerity.
The Transformed Man? That trumps every other awful album by a celebrity, and even if he now has a sense of humor about it, the enormity of its awfulness just can't be ignored. In fact, it is the enormity of its awfulness that makes it awesome and hilarious. The fact that he embraces the awfulness of it and milks it for comic value demonstrates Shatner's awesomeness. If you're enjoying something he did, he doesn't care why you're enjoying it. "Laugh at me, but hire me again."
The man has one of the longest unbroken careers in Hollywood. Yes, some years his career wasn't as bright as other years, but he's managed to be constantly visible for four decades. That is amazing.
The fact that his cast mates didn't like him and he was mostly unaware of that for years? Legendary. Complaining about his line count in Star Trek scripts? Awesome story. Personal tragedies and health issues? Poignant and reveals his humanity.
Everything Shatner does turns into a kind of gold - sometimes real gold, sometimes fool's gold, sometimes a steam of bat piss that shines out when all around is dark - but its shiney and yellow and, hey, if its on TV we can pretend its real gold no matter what.
Love you, Shatner. Don't ever change. When God finally beams you up, I hope you have the biggest, best attended memorial service in the history of Hollywood.
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:16 PM on May 12, 2008 [17 favorites]
You can polish a turd all you like. It's still a turd.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 3:27 PM on May 12, 2008
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 3:27 PM on May 12, 2008
I was a serious TOS ("The Original Series) Star Trek fan from the first episode, but though I loved everything else about the show, I hated Shatner. Lord, he was awful. However, he has finally redeemed himself with me . . . as Denny Crane. Incredible.
posted by Peach at 3:29 PM on May 12, 2008
posted by Peach at 3:29 PM on May 12, 2008
You can polish a turd all you like. It's still a turd.
That's Admiral Turd to you, ensign.
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:47 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
That's Admiral Turd to you, ensign.
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:47 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
You can polish a turd all you like.
No, no, he's Canadian.
posted by cortex at 3:59 PM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
No, no, he's Canadian.
posted by cortex at 3:59 PM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
a kind of gold - sometimes real gold, sometimes fool's gold, sometimes a steam of bat piss that shines out when all around is dark
If ever anything cried out to be a Metafilter tagline ...
posted by me & my monkey at 5:01 PM on May 12, 2008
If ever anything cried out to be a Metafilter tagline ...
posted by me & my monkey at 5:01 PM on May 12, 2008
You can polish a turd all you like. It's still a turd.
No you can't polish a turd. Not really. First you just end up with shit all over your hands and no turd.
You can bake a turd at like 400F for about an hour and then once it cools immerse it in a a light varnish, let dry, then wax THEN polish. But honestly that's a bunch of work and then it really doesn't look like a turd anymore. I mean people will have to take your word for it.
"THIS here. THIS is a polished turd."
"It looks plastic?"
"I know. I baked it. But trust me it is, indeed, a turd."
"No. It's a fake one."
"It IS, god damned it."
"Whose turd is it?"
"Whose turd would I go to all the elaborate trouble of processing and polishing?"
"Uhhh..."
"Well I'll tell you: William Shatner, mother fucker. That's whose turd it is."
posted by tkchrist at 5:34 PM on May 12, 2008 [4 favorites]
No you can't polish a turd. Not really. First you just end up with shit all over your hands and no turd.
You can bake a turd at like 400F for about an hour and then once it cools immerse it in a a light varnish, let dry, then wax THEN polish. But honestly that's a bunch of work and then it really doesn't look like a turd anymore. I mean people will have to take your word for it.
"THIS here. THIS is a polished turd."
"It looks plastic?"
"I know. I baked it. But trust me it is, indeed, a turd."
"No. It's a fake one."
"It IS, god damned it."
"Whose turd is it?"
"Whose turd would I go to all the elaborate trouble of processing and polishing?"
"Uhhh..."
"Well I'll tell you: William Shatner, mother fucker. That's whose turd it is."
posted by tkchrist at 5:34 PM on May 12, 2008 [4 favorites]
Oh. Man. Did I blow that punchline.
It should have been:
THIS here. THIS is a polished turd."
"It looks plastic?"
"I know. I baked it. But trust me it is, indeed, a turd."
"No. It's a fake one."
"It IS, god damned it."
"It's fake. It doesn't even smell."
"Of course it doesn't. That's becuase it's WILLIAM SHATNER'S, mother-fucker. And his shit don't stink!"
Muuuuch better.
posted by tkchrist at 7:25 PM on May 12, 2008
It should have been:
THIS here. THIS is a polished turd."
"It looks plastic?"
"I know. I baked it. But trust me it is, indeed, a turd."
"No. It's a fake one."
"It IS, god damned it."
"It's fake. It doesn't even smell."
"Of course it doesn't. That's becuase it's WILLIAM SHATNER'S, mother-fucker. And his shit don't stink!"
Muuuuch better.
posted by tkchrist at 7:25 PM on May 12, 2008
William Shatner is a freaking legend. He has conquered television in every outing, in every decade since color became the norm on TV. ST is and will continue to be revered as The Show, in whatever incarnation it appears, and it is all because of Shatner (and Nimoy, and the rest, etc). But without Shatner to anchor the damn thing, we would have nothing now.
Denny Crane!
posted by davidmsc at 9:04 PM on May 12, 2008
Denny Crane!
posted by davidmsc at 9:04 PM on May 12, 2008
It could've very easily been some other guy in a forgotten pile of fail called "Star Trek: The Crappy Alternate Universe Series", sure. There is, however, some deep life of human destiny stuff going on with Shatner, and I will be staying right here, on my lawn, off of which you had best be gittin'.
posted by cortex at 9:22 PM on May 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by cortex at 9:22 PM on May 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
Shatner has more everything in his little finger than all you haterz combined. Shatner was one of the critical aspects of the lightning in a bottle that was/is "Star Trek", and is a fine actor in the old school style of really emoting and selling emotion, as opposed to the solemn looks and underplayed vaguery of many of today's actors.
posted by Snyder at 10:53 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by Snyder at 10:53 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
Even when he did his slumming-it British advert he managed to make it awesome...
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:45 AM on May 13, 2008
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:45 AM on May 13, 2008
Dizzy: "I became an actor because of William Shatner.
I don't care if he's a dick. I will always love the man.
So.
Be nice.
You'll miss him when he's gone."
I became an actor because of William Shatner too.
When I was a kid, I admired him and the other performers on Star Trek and wanted to grow up and do that for a living: be on TV and entertain people. Then one day, after several years of studying theater and even going for a bachelor's degree in theater in college, one day I looked in the mirror and realized, I can't act for shit. Come to think of it, I can't do much of anything for shit.
That never stopped William Shatner,
but apparently it stopped me cold.
Who wouldn't prefer to be a HasBeen, over a NeverWas?
So
Fuck William Shatner.
I so will not miss him when he's gone.
You know why I know that?
Cuz I don't miss him now!
posted by ZachsMind at 12:56 AM on May 13, 2008
I don't care if he's a dick. I will always love the man.
So.
Be nice.
You'll miss him when he's gone."
I became an actor because of William Shatner too.
When I was a kid, I admired him and the other performers on Star Trek and wanted to grow up and do that for a living: be on TV and entertain people. Then one day, after several years of studying theater and even going for a bachelor's degree in theater in college, one day I looked in the mirror and realized, I can't act for shit. Come to think of it, I can't do much of anything for shit.
That never stopped William Shatner,
but apparently it stopped me cold.
Who wouldn't prefer to be a HasBeen, over a NeverWas?
So
Fuck William Shatner.
I so will not miss him when he's gone.
You know why I know that?
Cuz I don't miss him now!
posted by ZachsMind at 12:56 AM on May 13, 2008
Now listen, Shatner has done a lot of shitty movies. And he has over acted. But he has also done some incredible fucking work, and anyone who doesn't believe that has no idea about the craft of acting.
The character of Kirk alone should elevate him above the usual thespian fare. He brought unique things to that role. What other leading man would play such a character in such a way, with flaws, self doubts, emotion, sexuality, pain all on display.. even femininity. This was the 60s. There were no nuanced leading men, then. It was all Jack Lord style granite-jawed emotionless shit. You remember all those episodes in which he is tormented, split in two, memory erased, heartbroken. It aint Shakespeare, but name another actor from that milieu who did anything like that. Hell, in the final Star Trek episode, Shatner played *a woman* (a woman took over Kirk's body). That wasn't an all-round brilliant episode, but Shatner's performance was.. unreal. Unheard of. From the way he sits down in the Captain's chair as Kirk inhabited by the female walk-in for the first time, to the bitchy tirade he goes off on to his crew. It wasn't played campy, although to some it might appear so, Shatner was really giving it his all, delving into some weird feminine part of himself.
There was never a lead character like Kirk before, and probably not since, and only Shatner could have played him.
The rest of the cast bitched about Shatner counting lines and cutting them out of the scenes when it wasn't necessary to the story. Guess what? Shatner was right. You could have replaced *any* of the cast except Bones & Spock, and maybe Scotty, but the rest of them could easily have just been nameless schmos of the week. Whatever you think of Shatner's arrogance, ultimately he was right, the rest of the TOS cast weren't really all that important. TOS was not a story told by a committee, as was TNG, it was focused on the Big Three. And only because of the brilliance of writer Gene L. Coon (NOT Roddenberry) did that remarkable interplay between Bones, Spock & McCoy arrive. G.L.Coon created that dynamic, it wasn't even on Roddenberry's radar screen. Roddenberry was a great ideas man, but his scripts SUCKED.
And that isn't mentioning the weird movies that Shatner did before Trek came around. A famous one is Incubus (1965). Not only is it a rather extraordinary script dealing with rather symbolist themes, but it was done entirely in the language Esperanto. This shows Shatner's willingness to take on imaginative work, and it was definitely ahead of its time. Another one, dated now, but for its time rather stark, was The Intruder.
After Trek, Shatner's work was schlocky at best, but he still did some memorable stuff. I forget the name of one movie I saw, but it was pre-Fatal Attraction with a similar kind of story, but Shatner really played the broken-down husband part with intense honesty. He didn't chew any scenery, he was really raw. I remember being quite astounded.
His work as Denny Crane is head and shoulder's above most other tv actors. Watch those scenes and see how he delivers his lines, he is inhabiting the part, Crane breathes and thinks and lives. I don't give a fuck what anyone says, the man has craft. He doesn't always use it, and he doesn't always chose material well, but when he does, he's quite remarkable. He has real humanity, warts and all.
And like Dizzy says, you'll miss him when he's gone.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 5:30 AM on May 13, 2008 [6 favorites]
The character of Kirk alone should elevate him above the usual thespian fare. He brought unique things to that role. What other leading man would play such a character in such a way, with flaws, self doubts, emotion, sexuality, pain all on display.. even femininity. This was the 60s. There were no nuanced leading men, then. It was all Jack Lord style granite-jawed emotionless shit. You remember all those episodes in which he is tormented, split in two, memory erased, heartbroken. It aint Shakespeare, but name another actor from that milieu who did anything like that. Hell, in the final Star Trek episode, Shatner played *a woman* (a woman took over Kirk's body). That wasn't an all-round brilliant episode, but Shatner's performance was.. unreal. Unheard of. From the way he sits down in the Captain's chair as Kirk inhabited by the female walk-in for the first time, to the bitchy tirade he goes off on to his crew. It wasn't played campy, although to some it might appear so, Shatner was really giving it his all, delving into some weird feminine part of himself.
There was never a lead character like Kirk before, and probably not since, and only Shatner could have played him.
The rest of the cast bitched about Shatner counting lines and cutting them out of the scenes when it wasn't necessary to the story. Guess what? Shatner was right. You could have replaced *any* of the cast except Bones & Spock, and maybe Scotty, but the rest of them could easily have just been nameless schmos of the week. Whatever you think of Shatner's arrogance, ultimately he was right, the rest of the TOS cast weren't really all that important. TOS was not a story told by a committee, as was TNG, it was focused on the Big Three. And only because of the brilliance of writer Gene L. Coon (NOT Roddenberry) did that remarkable interplay between Bones, Spock & McCoy arrive. G.L.Coon created that dynamic, it wasn't even on Roddenberry's radar screen. Roddenberry was a great ideas man, but his scripts SUCKED.
And that isn't mentioning the weird movies that Shatner did before Trek came around. A famous one is Incubus (1965). Not only is it a rather extraordinary script dealing with rather symbolist themes, but it was done entirely in the language Esperanto. This shows Shatner's willingness to take on imaginative work, and it was definitely ahead of its time. Another one, dated now, but for its time rather stark, was The Intruder.
After Trek, Shatner's work was schlocky at best, but he still did some memorable stuff. I forget the name of one movie I saw, but it was pre-Fatal Attraction with a similar kind of story, but Shatner really played the broken-down husband part with intense honesty. He didn't chew any scenery, he was really raw. I remember being quite astounded.
His work as Denny Crane is head and shoulder's above most other tv actors. Watch those scenes and see how he delivers his lines, he is inhabiting the part, Crane breathes and thinks and lives. I don't give a fuck what anyone says, the man has craft. He doesn't always use it, and he doesn't always chose material well, but when he does, he's quite remarkable. He has real humanity, warts and all.
And like Dizzy says, you'll miss him when he's gone.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 5:30 AM on May 13, 2008 [6 favorites]
I absolutely refuse to believe in a world where William Shatner will one day be gone.
Kinda like Elvis.
posted by emperor.seamus at 9:14 AM on May 13, 2008
Kinda like Elvis.
posted by emperor.seamus at 9:14 AM on May 13, 2008
Not only is it a rather extraordinary script dealing with rather symbolist themes, but it was done entirely in the language Esperanto. This shows Shatner's willingness to take on imaginative work, and it was definitely ahead of its time.
Are we certain that it shows this? Might it not also show that the man needed a paycheck?
posted by ornate insect at 11:03 AM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Are we certain that it shows this? Might it not also show that the man needed a paycheck?
posted by ornate insect at 11:03 AM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
I've seen London. I've seen France. I've seen Shatner's underpants.
posted by miss lynnster at 11:12 AM on May 13, 2008
posted by miss lynnster at 11:12 AM on May 13, 2008
I remember hearing Penn Gillette on the old Alex Bennett Radio Show on Live 105, telling a story about a writer friend of his who worked on SNL when Shatner was hosting. The writer went up to Shatner and said: "Bill -- Rocket Man -- I just gotta ask... what were you thinking?"
Shatner looked at the fellow, paused, and said "It was a valid interpretation at the time."
It's my go-to excuse for nearly anything now.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 11:38 AM on May 13, 2008 [4 favorites]
Shatner looked at the fellow, paused, and said "It was a valid interpretation at the time."
It's my go-to excuse for nearly anything now.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 11:38 AM on May 13, 2008 [4 favorites]
Listening to the audio commentary of The Incredibles, one learns that the animators put a little bit of Shatner into Mr. Incredible's swagger. There's a moment when he and Frozone are running to a car, and just as Mr. Incredible slows his stride to open the car door, you can see T. J. Hooker in the stride. It's a classic Shatner physicality. It's not something that's easy to describe, but once it's pointed out, it's impossible not to see it, and then you watch the film again, and there's other places too where you can see it. There's a lotta Craig T Nelson in the facial expressions, but there's a little William Shatner in the body movement. Like for example when he's flirting with Mirage, that's so like Shatner in Gamesters of Triskellion when he was flirting with that green-haired babe.
It's kinda ...creepy.
posted by ZachsMind at 11:07 PM on May 15, 2008
It's kinda ...creepy.
posted by ZachsMind at 11:07 PM on May 15, 2008
« Older The most perfect specimen of a North American tree | The Something Store Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
Also, I'm not clear what you are saying: That Shatner came across as a colossal jerk on ST or that he comes across as a colossal jerk in the book.
posted by DU at 8:48 AM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]