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September 26, 2008 11:41 PM Subscribe
According to new fossil evidence 50 million years ago the skies above London were ruled by a relative of the goose, the size of a light aircraft, with toothy crocodile-likejaws. Or as The Sun puts it... DON'T RUCK WITH THIS DUCK!
Ducks today are total pussies.
I dare you to say that to their bills. Ducks are fucked up.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:22 AM on September 27, 2008
I dare you to say that to their bills. Ducks are fucked up.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:22 AM on September 27, 2008
Did they eat sharks?
posted by null terminated at 12:47 AM on September 27, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by null terminated at 12:47 AM on September 27, 2008 [1 favorite]
What's good for the goose is good for the GAAAHHHHHH!!!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:48 AM on September 27, 2008 [6 favorites]
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:48 AM on September 27, 2008 [6 favorites]
Guess not a lot has changed in England in 50 million years, huh?
Sorry to get all political, but I'm tired of pretending the British crown isn't ruled by ancient terror-birds.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 12:57 AM on September 27, 2008 [6 favorites]
Sorry to get all political, but I'm tired of pretending the British crown isn't ruled by ancient terror-birds.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 12:57 AM on September 27, 2008 [6 favorites]
Alvy - homosexual necrophilia?? That's hardcore. Imagine if it was a human doing the doing and the duck was on fire! Pyro-homo-necro-bestiality! Fuck a duck!
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 2:30 AM on September 27, 2008
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 2:30 AM on September 27, 2008
Documentary re-enactment by team of noted paleontologists.
posted by mandal at 2:38 AM on September 27, 2008
posted by mandal at 2:38 AM on September 27, 2008
Geese are mean! Awful, mean, ugly beasts with teeth on their tongues. [yes, you heard me - teeth. on. their. tongues.] I'm completely unsurprised to hear that they were even worse in the past. I will never pass up an opportunity to eat a goose - they are completely unworthy of my mercy. [fuck geese!!!!!!]
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:47 AM on September 27, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:47 AM on September 27, 2008 [3 favorites]
Geese are mean!
I have a vivid memory from early childhood, around age 4: my grandma took me to a park with a pond, and there were lots of geese. Those damn geese chased me, must've been about 5 or 6 of them, they came right at me, full speed. They were really aggressive, and it was really scary.
Glad they weren't giant geese with crocodile teeth from 50 million years ago.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:09 AM on September 27, 2008
I have a vivid memory from early childhood, around age 4: my grandma took me to a park with a pond, and there were lots of geese. Those damn geese chased me, must've been about 5 or 6 of them, they came right at me, full speed. They were really aggressive, and it was really scary.
Glad they weren't giant geese with crocodile teeth from 50 million years ago.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:09 AM on September 27, 2008
flapjax: That happened to me except they managed to catch/bite me.
The grandma, park, and pond are the same though.
These big guys.... Yikes! The last thing you ever see will be this!
posted by aubilenon at 3:18 AM on September 27, 2008 [3 favorites]
The grandma, park, and pond are the same though.
These big guys.... Yikes! The last thing you ever see will be this!
posted by aubilenon at 3:18 AM on September 27, 2008 [3 favorites]
Carry a jar of orange sauce with you at all times. Then we'll see how tough these ducks are.
posted by panboi at 3:32 AM on September 27, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by panboi at 3:32 AM on September 27, 2008 [1 favorite]
Not to be confused with the modern-day turkey, which by nature of its continued existence terrifies the living daylights out of me.
Also, I bet there's some kind of Jurassic turkey ancestor out there, but if someone posts something about it I'm going to stick my fingers in my ears and close my eyes.
posted by empyrean at 3:35 AM on September 27, 2008
Also, I bet there's some kind of Jurassic turkey ancestor out there, but if someone posts something about it I'm going to stick my fingers in my ears and close my eyes.
posted by empyrean at 3:35 AM on September 27, 2008
I expect these to be reanimated by NATO scientists and pressed into service in the War on TerrorTM.
Excellent use of the DasornisEmuinus tag, artw.
posted by lukemeister at 4:14 AM on September 27, 2008
Excellent use of the DasornisEmuinus tag, artw.
posted by lukemeister at 4:14 AM on September 27, 2008
“No living birds have true teeth ... because their distant ancestors did away with them more than 100 million years ago, probably to save weight and make flying easier”
Good to see Lamarckism hasn't been totally abandoned.
posted by Grangousier at 4:18 AM on September 27, 2008 [1 favorite]
Good to see Lamarckism hasn't been totally abandoned.
posted by Grangousier at 4:18 AM on September 27, 2008 [1 favorite]
I just pulled all my teeth to test this. Flying ith not notitheably eathier.
posted by srboisvert at 4:57 AM on September 27, 2008 [6 favorites]
posted by srboisvert at 4:57 AM on September 27, 2008 [6 favorites]
Terror duck predicted in the climactic scenes of this film from 1939.
posted by steef at 5:02 AM on September 27, 2008
posted by steef at 5:02 AM on September 27, 2008
According to this article, Canada geese excrete a pound of droppings per day. The most frightening aspect of giant British freak-geese might not have been their teeth.
posted by Drab_Parts at 6:21 AM on September 27, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by Drab_Parts at 6:21 AM on September 27, 2008 [2 favorites]
I'm not even kidding: Geese are assholes. This explains a great deal.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 6:38 AM on September 27, 2008
posted by kittens for breakfast at 6:38 AM on September 27, 2008
Yeah, seriously...geese ARE assholes. And stupid. Every spring they inhabit the long, narrow, fairly contiguous swath of grass along the Bow River pathway here in Calgary - ostensibly for the purpose of birthing their evil spawn. There are especially narrow sections where only a metre of grass separates them from cars, bikes, people and the river. Yet, they sit there and hiss and lunge at every goddamn thing that passes - all day long. There are lots of lovely parks on both sides of the river with huge fields and lots of open space on which to sit and create evil in peace. Do they hang out there? NOOO! They're too stupid and asshole-like to do so. They perch near the pathway and force you to run a giant semicircle around them while they bob their heads in a freakish dance to let you know that they'd peck your eyes out if you only had a chance. Then, during the summer, the little bastard goslings turn into identical ones and the parents still protect them even though you can't tell them apart. Sometimes they fly at your head. That happened to me once. WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU TRYING TO DO THERE.
But at least they're Canadian. In name only, the fucks. Yeah I believe that they're descended from flying trucks with teeth. They still act like it.
posted by jimmythefish at 7:34 AM on September 27, 2008 [4 favorites]
But at least they're Canadian. In name only, the fucks. Yeah I believe that they're descended from flying trucks with teeth. They still act like it.
posted by jimmythefish at 7:34 AM on September 27, 2008 [4 favorites]
Geese tase great. Bigger geese must taste better. Reason # 985,246,337 to finish that time machine.
posted by valentinepig at 7:38 AM on September 27, 2008
posted by valentinepig at 7:38 AM on September 27, 2008
Geese tase great. Bigger geese must taste better.
I'm going to need about 300 pounds of oranges, about 10 gallons of honey, 5 gallons of soy sauce, a metric ton of wild rice, and ....a small soda.
posted by The Whelk at 7:54 AM on September 27, 2008 [1 favorite]
I'm going to need about 300 pounds of oranges, about 10 gallons of honey, 5 gallons of soy sauce, a metric ton of wild rice, and ....a small soda.
posted by The Whelk at 7:54 AM on September 27, 2008 [1 favorite]
In their defense, they can be formidable friends....
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 8:08 AM on September 27, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 8:08 AM on September 27, 2008 [1 favorite]
Geese tase great.
Damn slow way to cook 'em though.
posted by mandal at 9:17 AM on September 27, 2008 [4 favorites]
Damn slow way to cook 'em though.
posted by mandal at 9:17 AM on September 27, 2008 [4 favorites]
Yikes! The last thing you ever see will be this!
When you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you ... and ate you.
posted by lukemeister at 9:25 AM on September 27, 2008 [2 favorites]
When you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you ... and ate you.
posted by lukemeister at 9:25 AM on September 27, 2008 [2 favorites]
Yet, they sit there and hiss and lunge at every goddamn thing that passes - all day long. There are lots of lovely parks on both sides of the river with huge fields and lots of open space on which to sit and create evil in peace. Do they hang out there? NOOO! They're too stupid and asshole-like to do so. They perch near the pathway and force you to run a giant semicircle around them while they bob their heads in a freakish dance to let you know that they'd peck your eyes out if you only had a chance.
That hissing sound? It's actually laughter. Geese are easily bored, and the reason they nest there instead of the peaceful, wide-open fields nearby is that you - the humans - provide endless amounts of entertainment. They picked the hotel with free cable and wifi that's surrounded by lots of entertainment options instead of the wilderness lodge where the most exciting thing to do is watch the grass grow. They're not dumb. Evil, sure, but not dumb.
I was bitten by a swan once. Talk about ow.
posted by rtha at 10:21 AM on September 27, 2008 [1 favorite]
That hissing sound? It's actually laughter. Geese are easily bored, and the reason they nest there instead of the peaceful, wide-open fields nearby is that you - the humans - provide endless amounts of entertainment. They picked the hotel with free cable and wifi that's surrounded by lots of entertainment options instead of the wilderness lodge where the most exciting thing to do is watch the grass grow. They're not dumb. Evil, sure, but not dumb.
I was bitten by a swan once. Talk about ow.
posted by rtha at 10:21 AM on September 27, 2008 [1 favorite]
My mother, bless her, once saw a flock of geese torturing a small child in a park (with a lake). She walked up to the geese and, one by one until they got the point, grabbed them by their necks and threw them in the lake.
posted by Pants! at 10:59 AM on September 27, 2008
posted by Pants! at 10:59 AM on September 27, 2008
Doesn't match Australia's Demon Duck of Doom.
At least it didn't fly.
posted by eye of newt at 11:12 AM on September 27, 2008 [2 favorites]
At least it didn't fly.
posted by eye of newt at 11:12 AM on September 27, 2008 [2 favorites]
I was just coming here to reference the DDoD!
One day I will own a duck. And his name will be Demon.
posted by quin at 12:21 PM on September 27, 2008
One day I will own a duck. And his name will be Demon.
posted by quin at 12:21 PM on September 27, 2008
Every spring they inhabit the long, narrow, fairly contiguous swath of grass along the Bow River pathway here in Calgary
They do the same thing in Harrisburg, PA, except it's all fucking year. In 2006 we had an ice storm that killed a bunch of people, and the geese were out there sitting on the glaciers plowing new riverbanks for the Susquehanna. Motherfuckers.
I will break a goddamn goose's neck the next time one of those little bitches decides he needs to take a chunk of skin out of my calf. What the fuck do they think they're doing, with their ridiculously vulnerable body morphology? I could just snatch the little cocks up and tie them in a fucking knot, then drown their hideous offspring in the buckets of shit they plaster all over my Greenbelt.
I concur, FUCK GEESE.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 3:10 PM on September 27, 2008
They do the same thing in Harrisburg, PA, except it's all fucking year. In 2006 we had an ice storm that killed a bunch of people, and the geese were out there sitting on the glaciers plowing new riverbanks for the Susquehanna. Motherfuckers.
I will break a goddamn goose's neck the next time one of those little bitches decides he needs to take a chunk of skin out of my calf. What the fuck do they think they're doing, with their ridiculously vulnerable body morphology? I could just snatch the little cocks up and tie them in a fucking knot, then drown their hideous offspring in the buckets of shit they plaster all over my Greenbelt.
I concur, FUCK GEESE.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 3:10 PM on September 27, 2008
My mother, bless her, once saw a flock of geese torturing a small child in a park (with a lake). She walked up to the geese and, one by one until they got the point, grabbed them by their necks and threw them in the lake.
Chuck Norris was your mother?
posted by srboisvert at 3:26 PM on September 27, 2008 [2 favorites]
Chuck Norris was your mother?
posted by srboisvert at 3:26 PM on September 27, 2008 [2 favorites]
Doesn't match Australia's Demon Duck of Doom.
At least it didn't fly.
I bet that's exactly what the blackfellas were thinking. The Demon Duck of Doom apparently died out 30,000 years ago, along with most of Australia's megafauna. Would've been some pretty good eating in those times - maybe on both sides of the fence. I present to you the Bird From Hell:
Thunder birds or mihirungs (family Dromornithidae) were gigantic, ground-dwelling birds that roamed Australia from at least 25 million to around 26,000 years ago. Among the eight species was the largest bird that ever lived, Dromornis stirtoni, three metres high and weighing over 500 kilograms.
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:45 PM on September 27, 2008
At least it didn't fly.
I bet that's exactly what the blackfellas were thinking. The Demon Duck of Doom apparently died out 30,000 years ago, along with most of Australia's megafauna. Would've been some pretty good eating in those times - maybe on both sides of the fence. I present to you the Bird From Hell:
Thunder birds or mihirungs (family Dromornithidae) were gigantic, ground-dwelling birds that roamed Australia from at least 25 million to around 26,000 years ago. Among the eight species was the largest bird that ever lived, Dromornis stirtoni, three metres high and weighing over 500 kilograms.
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:45 PM on September 27, 2008
Dang, "the homosexual necrophiliac duck"?!
what
The things one learns here!
Ducks?
Who knew ducks could be that feisty? Duck against big dog, duck wins.
Aww, you goose haterz. Check out Valentino the pet goose. Love the goose.
posted by nickyskye at 5:04 PM on September 27, 2008
what
The things one learns here!
Ducks?
Who knew ducks could be that feisty? Duck against big dog, duck wins.
Aww, you goose haterz. Check out Valentino the pet goose. Love the goose.
posted by nickyskye at 5:04 PM on September 27, 2008
I guess Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron have found their Crocoduck...
posted by JibberJabber at 7:09 PM on September 27, 2008
posted by JibberJabber at 7:09 PM on September 27, 2008
From Alvy Ampersand's link: "attempted rape flights".
What.
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:58 PM on September 28, 2008
What.
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:58 PM on September 28, 2008
DON'T RUCK WITH THIS DUCK!
Aha, I see you are posting on MetaFilter from your spell-correcting iPhone again.
posted by rokusan at 7:19 AM on September 29, 2008
Aha, I see you are posting on MetaFilter from your spell-correcting iPhone again.
posted by rokusan at 7:19 AM on September 29, 2008
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posted by jimmythefish at 11:59 PM on September 26, 2008