Excuse me, I think I may have dropped my SAT scores by your table.
January 9, 2009 5:34 PM Subscribe
[obligatory fapping joke]
posted by mullingitover at 5:44 PM on January 9, 2009
posted by mullingitover at 5:44 PM on January 9, 2009
You can have my sperm and eat it too. Plenty more where that's coming from.
posted by Dumsnill at 5:50 PM on January 9, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by Dumsnill at 5:50 PM on January 9, 2009 [3 favorites]
If you think about it, it makes sense.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:50 PM on January 9, 2009
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:50 PM on January 9, 2009
Armless men also have more sperm.
posted by Astro Zombie at 5:55 PM on January 9, 2009 [8 favorites]
posted by Astro Zombie at 5:55 PM on January 9, 2009 [8 favorites]
Army men have more spam.
posted by jonmc at 5:59 PM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by jonmc at 5:59 PM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
You can have my sperm and eat it too.
Smart mouth.
posted by fleetmouse at 6:05 PM on January 9, 2009
Smart mouth.
posted by fleetmouse at 6:05 PM on January 9, 2009
My sperm is dispatched underground to an undisclosed location and kept behind a cement barrier ten feet thick for the good of the people.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 6:10 PM on January 9, 2009
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 6:10 PM on January 9, 2009
Oh, forgot to add:
WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD
posted by Dumsnill at 6:12 PM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD
posted by Dumsnill at 6:12 PM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
Why is this post's title not "suck on this"?
posted by orthogonality at 6:13 PM on January 9, 2009
posted by orthogonality at 6:13 PM on January 9, 2009
Because I'm a gentleman, with an advanced degree.
posted by device55 at 6:18 PM on January 9, 2009 [6 favorites]
posted by device55 at 6:18 PM on January 9, 2009 [6 favorites]
Dumb dudes drop dull deposits.
posted by zerobyproxy at 6:24 PM on January 9, 2009
posted by zerobyproxy at 6:24 PM on January 9, 2009
jismzone!
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:24 PM on January 9, 2009
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:24 PM on January 9, 2009
Think not of what your cock can do for you,
Think of what thinking can do for your cock.
posted by yeloson at 6:27 PM on January 9, 2009 [4 favorites]
Think of what thinking can do for your cock.
posted by yeloson at 6:27 PM on January 9, 2009 [4 favorites]
The smarter the men were, the more sperm they produced and the better their wee ones swam — and it didn't matter how old the men were or whether they smoked, drank or were obese.
PAAAAARTAAAAAAAAAAY! *burp*
posted by dhammond at 6:28 PM on January 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
PAAAAARTAAAAAAAAAAY! *burp*
posted by dhammond at 6:28 PM on January 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
Fuck you natural selection, we're also smart enough to wear condoms.
posted by ND¢ at 6:33 PM on January 9, 2009 [7 favorites]
posted by ND¢ at 6:33 PM on January 9, 2009 [7 favorites]
Do we now have a simpler, more effective, and more enjoyable IQ test?
posted by jamstigator at 6:53 PM on January 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by jamstigator at 6:53 PM on January 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
This explains why so few women seem to be attracted to scientists and engineers. It's a form of birth control.
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:56 PM on January 9, 2009 [5 favorites]
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:56 PM on January 9, 2009 [5 favorites]
Scientists have suggested that smart people may score less stressful jobs in safer places and that they may make better lifestyle choices, for instance by exercising more and eating better.
they didn't have diet or socioeconomic data to throw this up against? Smart people eat well, but the upper class have the opportunity to learn how to become smart so that they can eat well. this is weak sauce.
posted by eustatic at 6:58 PM on January 9, 2009
they didn't have diet or socioeconomic data to throw this up against? Smart people eat well, but the upper class have the opportunity to learn how to become smart so that they can eat well. this is weak sauce.
posted by eustatic at 6:58 PM on January 9, 2009
It's easy to think that those thinly veiled racist/classist 19th century cherries like "she's not of suitable breeding stock" or "you came from bad seed" had gone away in the modern age, but then you read something like this.
posted by Rhomboid at 6:59 PM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Rhomboid at 6:59 PM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
By questioning the methodology and underlying assumptions of this study, I prove how smart, and therefore virile, I am.
posted by DU at 7:06 PM on January 9, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by DU at 7:06 PM on January 9, 2009 [3 favorites]
this is weak sauce.
In a manner of speaking...
posted by jonmc at 7:10 PM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
In a manner of speaking...
posted by jonmc at 7:10 PM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
SpoogeFilter
posted by CynicalKnight at 7:25 PM on January 9, 2009
posted by CynicalKnight at 7:25 PM on January 9, 2009
...given to 425 Vietnam War vets...
"These vets, aged 31 to 44"
Subtract 31 from 2008 and you get 1977.
I'm 44 so I remember that war and also I am guilty of making less-than-perfect posts.
Carry On.
posted by vapidave at 7:33 PM on January 9, 2009
"These vets, aged 31 to 44"
Subtract 31 from 2008 and you get 1977.
I'm 44 so I remember that war and also I am guilty of making less-than-perfect posts.
Carry On.
posted by vapidave at 7:33 PM on January 9, 2009
Apparently I have a fertile imagination.
(two asleep upstairs and a bun in the oven)
posted by unSane at 7:54 PM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
(two asleep upstairs and a bun in the oven)
posted by unSane at 7:54 PM on January 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
Make jokes all you want, guys. I'm going to the drugstore. I need to buy thicker condoms!
posted by faster than a speeding bulette at 7:58 PM on January 9, 2009 [4 favorites]
posted by faster than a speeding bulette at 7:58 PM on January 9, 2009 [4 favorites]
Seems like there would be some serious experimenter bias here, unless there are more dumb scientists out there than we'd like to imagine.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 8:13 PM on January 9, 2009
posted by solipsophistocracy at 8:13 PM on January 9, 2009
Smarter women have more sperm too, if they want.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 8:13 PM on January 9, 2009 [13 favorites]
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 8:13 PM on January 9, 2009 [13 favorites]
>>"These vets, aged 31 to 44"
>Subtract 31 from 2008 and you get 1977.
The samples were collected in the 1980s, not in 2008. The younger of the sample group would have been born in the early or mid 1950s, just in time to go to Vietnam at 18.
posted by Forktine at 8:16 PM on January 9, 2009
>Subtract 31 from 2008 and you get 1977.
The samples were collected in the 1980s, not in 2008. The younger of the sample group would have been born in the early or mid 1950s, just in time to go to Vietnam at 18.
posted by Forktine at 8:16 PM on January 9, 2009
It doesn't say they asked the vets how long it had been since their last ejaculation. Maybe it makes too much sense, but perhaps the more intelligent ones had more sperm built up because they hadn't had the opportunity to vent?
posted by bugmuncher at 8:44 PM on January 9, 2009
posted by bugmuncher at 8:44 PM on January 9, 2009
Explains the holes in the wall under my desk.
posted by Smedleyman at 8:58 PM on January 9, 2009
posted by Smedleyman at 8:58 PM on January 9, 2009
A seventy-five-year old year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as he had received it on the previous day.
"Where's the sample?" said the Doctor. "Well, doc, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but that didn't work. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still no joy. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."
"I see..." said the Doctor dubiously. "Then what did you do?" "Well, I asked my niece to lend a hand, but she failed too, even when she took it between her legs and squeezed it really hard." "Her legs!" exclaimed the doctor, appalled.
"So I went next door to Eileen, and she tried too, first with both hands, and she even tried rolling it between her knees, but still nothing. "You asked your neighbor?" cried the shocked doctor.
"The old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the jar open!"
posted by netbros at 8:59 PM on January 9, 2009 [14 favorites]
"Where's the sample?" said the Doctor. "Well, doc, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but that didn't work. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still no joy. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."
"I see..." said the Doctor dubiously. "Then what did you do?" "Well, I asked my niece to lend a hand, but she failed too, even when she took it between her legs and squeezed it really hard." "Her legs!" exclaimed the doctor, appalled.
"So I went next door to Eileen, and she tried too, first with both hands, and she even tried rolling it between her knees, but still nothing. "You asked your neighbor?" cried the shocked doctor.
"The old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the jar open!"
posted by netbros at 8:59 PM on January 9, 2009 [14 favorites]
HI I'M ON METAFILTER AND I COULD OVERTHINK A PETRI DISH OF SPERM!
posted by Effigy2000 at 9:11 PM on January 9, 2009
posted by Effigy2000 at 9:11 PM on January 9, 2009
Magna cum laude, indeed.
posted by aftermarketradio at 9:18 PM on January 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by aftermarketradio at 9:18 PM on January 9, 2009 [2 favorites]
Hm. And yet the geeks never get laid. Seems like more proof of intelligent design to me.
(Nobody does irony like good old Jehovah.)
posted by rokusan at 9:18 PM on January 9, 2009
(Nobody does irony like good old Jehovah.)
posted by rokusan at 9:18 PM on January 9, 2009
It's easy to think that those thinly veiled racist/classist 19th century cherries like "she's not of suitable breeding stock" or "you came from bad seed" had gone away in the modern age, but then you read something like this.
I'm sorry the results of a study don't agree with some aspect of your world view. Perhaps you'd care to critique the study proper, or are you just going to cry more about the conclusions?
(Also, I'm apalled by your belief that intelligence and racism are linked. Do you actually think intelligence is a racially distributed characteristic?)
posted by rodgerd at 10:09 PM on January 9, 2009
I'm sorry the results of a study don't agree with some aspect of your world view. Perhaps you'd care to critique the study proper, or are you just going to cry more about the conclusions?
(Also, I'm apalled by your belief that intelligence and racism are linked. Do you actually think intelligence is a racially distributed characteristic?)
posted by rodgerd at 10:09 PM on January 9, 2009
"The samples were collected in the 1980s, not in 2008. The younger of the sample group would have been born in the early or mid 1950s, just in time to go to Vietnam at 18."
Forktine at 10:16 PM on January 9
So this is a study from a couple of decades ago?
posted by vapidave at 10:17 PM on January 9, 2009
Forktine at 10:16 PM on January 9
So this is a study from a couple of decades ago?
posted by vapidave at 10:17 PM on January 9, 2009
So this is a study from a couple of decades ago?
From the second paragraph of the article:
Researchers ... recently compared results from five intelligence tests given to 425 Vietnam War vets in 1985 as part of the U.S. Centers For Disease Control and Prevention's Vietnam Experience Study. These vets, aged 31 to 44, also provided sperm samples, so the researchers analyzed the sperm per milliliter of semen, plus how many of the sperm swam normally, and other measures of sperm health.
The research is new, but they are using data (intelligence tests and sperm samples) collected 22 years ago.
posted by Forktine at 10:44 PM on January 9, 2009
From the second paragraph of the article:
Researchers ... recently compared results from five intelligence tests given to 425 Vietnam War vets in 1985 as part of the U.S. Centers For Disease Control and Prevention's Vietnam Experience Study. These vets, aged 31 to 44, also provided sperm samples, so the researchers analyzed the sperm per milliliter of semen, plus how many of the sperm swam normally, and other measures of sperm health.
The research is new, but they are using data (intelligence tests and sperm samples) collected 22 years ago.
posted by Forktine at 10:44 PM on January 9, 2009
(If there was ever a moment for an "eponysterical" joke, that was it.)
posted by Forktine at 10:45 PM on January 9, 2009
posted by Forktine at 10:45 PM on January 9, 2009
When you get laid less often, you need to make it count.
Kind of like camels in the desert.
posted by empath at 12:01 AM on January 10, 2009
Kind of like camels in the desert.
posted by empath at 12:01 AM on January 10, 2009
In a parallel study using data gathered from the internet, researchers concluded that the big, dumb, tattooed guys have lots of sperm but don't know where to put it.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 5:13 AM on January 10, 2009
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 5:13 AM on January 10, 2009
You're soaking in it!
posted by doctorschlock at 5:36 AM on January 10, 2009
posted by doctorschlock at 5:36 AM on January 10, 2009
Me: "Hey, smart guys have more sperm!"
SO: "Then why do dumb people have so many kids?"
posted by Baby_Balrog at 8:24 AM on January 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
SO: "Then why do dumb people have so many kids?"
posted by Baby_Balrog at 8:24 AM on January 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
Many years back, shortly after the Clinton impeachment, I flagged a taxi in Harlem for a ride to LaGuardia, early in the morning.
The driver was a dapper older African American man, whose hack license informed me he was named "William Jefferson Clinton." So as we're hauling ass over the Triboro, I ask him what it's like having the same name as the president, and he starts in on a tirade about how great Bill Clinton is (called him his "main man" repeatedly, as I recall) and how unfair the impeachment was and concludes with saying, "shit, the man's just got a lot of JUICE . . .[pounds dashboard for emphasis]. . . You can't go after a man just because he's got a lot of JUICE."
If the president's namesake could have just spoken to the Congress and explained this situation, we could have avoided the whole mess. Science proves he's right.
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:06 AM on January 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
The driver was a dapper older African American man, whose hack license informed me he was named "William Jefferson Clinton." So as we're hauling ass over the Triboro, I ask him what it's like having the same name as the president, and he starts in on a tirade about how great Bill Clinton is (called him his "main man" repeatedly, as I recall) and how unfair the impeachment was and concludes with saying, "shit, the man's just got a lot of JUICE . . .[pounds dashboard for emphasis]. . . You can't go after a man just because he's got a lot of JUICE."
If the president's namesake could have just spoken to the Congress and explained this situation, we could have avoided the whole mess. Science proves he's right.
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:06 AM on January 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
Also, I like the professional white background option. It makes Metafilter look even smarter.
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:07 AM on January 10, 2009
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:07 AM on January 10, 2009
So whatever happened to that idea of specialized attack sperm? Who has more or less of those?
posted by Brian B. at 1:01 PM on January 10, 2009
posted by Brian B. at 1:01 PM on January 10, 2009
Eh, they probably just hoard more of it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:40 PM on January 10, 2009
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:40 PM on January 10, 2009
You can have my sperm and eat it too.
Natural Harvest - A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes
Almost white Russian, anyone?
posted by the_very_hungry_caterpillar at 9:28 AM on January 11, 2009
Natural Harvest - A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes
Almost white Russian, anyone?
posted by the_very_hungry_caterpillar at 9:28 AM on January 11, 2009
omg
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food.
I know, right? Total travesty.
The response to Natural Harvest has been phenomenal, to say the least. Not only did our Lulu page get more than 250,000 visitors within the first week, but the internet was set ablaze with discussions about cooking with semen!
Here are just a few of the prestigious websites and media outlets that are talking about Natural Harvest and Cooking with Cum:
Digg
Reddit
StumbleUpon
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:37 AM on January 11, 2009
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food.
I know, right? Total travesty.
The response to Natural Harvest has been phenomenal, to say the least. Not only did our Lulu page get more than 250,000 visitors within the first week, but the internet was set ablaze with discussions about cooking with semen!
Here are just a few of the prestigious websites and media outlets that are talking about Natural Harvest and Cooking with Cum:
Digg
StumbleUpon
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:37 AM on January 11, 2009
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posted by Astro Zombie at 5:41 PM on January 9, 2009 [4 favorites]