Some jokes you laugh at because you're just happy to see them again
June 20, 2010 11:47 AM Subscribe
I will be memorising these.
posted by Artw at 11:50 AM on June 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by Artw at 11:50 AM on June 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
If this web design didn't wasn't Straight Outta Fortunecity, I'd be tempted to claim it's trying to ride the bowdlerized coattails of Shit My Dad Says all the way to its Fucking Book Deal.
Nah, these are part of a different, far older tradition.
posted by Artw at 11:53 AM on June 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
Nah, these are part of a different, far older tradition.
posted by Artw at 11:53 AM on June 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
*at a railroad crossing*
Dad: Looks like a train just went by.
Me: What, really? How can you tell?
Dad: It left its tracks.
Every fucking time
posted by threetoed at 11:55 AM on June 20, 2010 [45 favorites]
Dad: Looks like a train just went by.
Me: What, really? How can you tell?
Dad: It left its tracks.
Every fucking time
posted by threetoed at 11:55 AM on June 20, 2010 [45 favorites]
they have met my dad!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:56 AM on June 20, 2010
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:56 AM on June 20, 2010
So it isn't just my dad.
posted by zizzle at 12:01 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by zizzle at 12:01 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Uh oh, snakes chasing cars ahead."
"It's a beautiful day for the race!" (What race?, one time only) "The human race!"
Happy Father's Day, Dad. You're in a nursing home and you don't understand much anymore but I am making sure your stupid jokes live on.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 12:03 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
"It's a beautiful day for the race!" (What race?, one time only) "The human race!"
Happy Father's Day, Dad. You're in a nursing home and you don't understand much anymore but I am making sure your stupid jokes live on.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 12:03 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Nah, these are part of a different, far older tradition.
Okay, judging by the comments, I have apparently misinterpreted something good-natured for a get-rich-quick scheme. Apologies!
posted by griphus at 12:05 PM on June 20, 2010
Okay, judging by the comments, I have apparently misinterpreted something good-natured for a get-rich-quick scheme. Apologies!
posted by griphus at 12:05 PM on June 20, 2010
If this web design didn't wasn't Straight Outta Fortunecity, I'd be tempted to claim it's trying to ride the bowdlerized coattails of Shit My Dad Says all the way to its Fucking Book Deal.
Domain name: dadsbadjokes.com
Record created on: 2005-10-25
Record expires on: 2010-10-25
Kinda predates Shit My Dad Says by a few years. Also, there are already a ton of these books. Just check out there http://www.dadsbadjokes.com/jokebooks.shtml link.
This all said, there's hardly any content here. It took me 7 minutes to read the entire site. For a five year old site that's a bit odd.
If you want to be cynical (and I do), I think the site is there mostly to net the few google ads and the Amazon affiliate monies. It's probably earning them a few dollars more than it costs to run a year, so it sticks around, but doesn't earn enough for them to quit their day jobs, so it gets little attention. Even the typos have probably persisted for years.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:11 PM on June 20, 2010
Domain name: dadsbadjokes.com
Record created on: 2005-10-25
Record expires on: 2010-10-25
Kinda predates Shit My Dad Says by a few years. Also, there are already a ton of these books. Just check out there http://www.dadsbadjokes.com/jokebooks.shtml link.
This all said, there's hardly any content here. It took me 7 minutes to read the entire site. For a five year old site that's a bit odd.
If you want to be cynical (and I do), I think the site is there mostly to net the few google ads and the Amazon affiliate monies. It's probably earning them a few dollars more than it costs to run a year, so it sticks around, but doesn't earn enough for them to quit their day jobs, so it gets little attention. Even the typos have probably persisted for years.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:11 PM on June 20, 2010
Did you mean: Shit My Dad Says all the way to it's Fucking Book Deal?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:14 PM on June 20, 2010
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:14 PM on June 20, 2010
griphus: “If this web design didn't wasn't Straight Outta Fortunecity, I'd be tempted to claim it's trying to ride the bowdlerized coattails of Shit My Dad Says all the way to its Fucking Book Deal.”
No, this is "Dad's Bad Jokes." You're looking for "Grandpa's Angry Website Rants" - they're just down the block.
posted by koeselitz at 12:17 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
No, this is "Dad's Bad Jokes." You're looking for "Grandpa's Angry Website Rants" - they're just down the block.
posted by koeselitz at 12:17 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
No, this is "Dad's Bad Jokes." You're looking for "Grandpa's Angry Website Rants" - they're just down the block.
I thought openly apologizing would nip that in the bud, no?
posted by griphus at 12:20 PM on June 20, 2010
I thought openly apologizing would nip that in the bud, no?
posted by griphus at 12:20 PM on June 20, 2010
S'all good, koeselitz. This sorta stuff has its way of getting to me.
posted by griphus at 12:27 PM on June 20, 2010
posted by griphus at 12:27 PM on June 20, 2010
My boy in the back seat: The sun is really bright.
Me: and this father could not br more proud.
Daughter: I think he means it's nice out.
Me: Yes, and we should probably leave it out.
posted by hal9k at 12:27 PM on June 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
Me: and this father could not br more proud.
Daughter: I think he means it's nice out.
Me: Yes, and we should probably leave it out.
posted by hal9k at 12:27 PM on June 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
Mom: , it looks like you need a haircut.
Me: Actually, I think he needs them all cut.
(she's going to throw me out of the house if I say that one more time)
Also, a conversation from a couple weeks ago:
Me: How many pants are you wearing?
Child: *pause*...one.
Me: One? One pants?
Child: OK, two.
Me: Two pants?
posted by DU at 12:34 PM on June 20, 2010 [36 favorites]
Me: Actually, I think he needs them all cut.
(she's going to throw me out of the house if I say that one more time)
Also, a conversation from a couple weeks ago:
Me: How many pants are you wearing?
Child: *pause*...one.
Me: One? One pants?
Child: OK, two.
Me: Two pants?
posted by DU at 12:34 PM on June 20, 2010 [36 favorites]
Every time there's a strong wind my dad asks me to go outside and help him throw a rope over the house.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 12:41 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 12:41 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm ultra-proud that a major form of communication with my daughter is an exchange of jokes, good and bad. My favorite of hers is the oven/muffin joke:
So there's two muffins in an oven, and one muffin looks at the other and says "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" and the second muffin says "AAAUUGGHH! Talking muffin!"
When there is a slow driver in the way...
(alternate -- Texas version)
"Hey! if you're going to homestead that thing, why not put a fence around it?!"
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:48 PM on June 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
So there's two muffins in an oven, and one muffin looks at the other and says "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" and the second muffin says "AAAUUGGHH! Talking muffin!"
When there is a slow driver in the way...
(alternate -- Texas version)
"Hey! if you're going to homestead that thing, why not put a fence around it?!"
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:48 PM on June 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
Uh, what's up with the hand gesture in the logo? At first glance, it seems to be the old "finger in the hole", but the thumb position is all wrong.
posted by mkultra at 12:53 PM on June 20, 2010
posted by mkultra at 12:53 PM on June 20, 2010
Uh, what's up with the hand gesture in the logo? At first glance, it seems to be the old "finger in the hole", but the thumb position is all wrong.
Pull my finger.
posted by Pope Guilty at 12:57 PM on June 20, 2010
Pull my finger.
posted by Pope Guilty at 12:57 PM on June 20, 2010
Happy Father's Day, Dad. You're in a nursing home and you don't understand much anymore but I am making sure your stupid jokes live on.
Me too.
posted by bendy at 12:58 PM on June 20, 2010
Me too.
posted by bendy at 12:58 PM on June 20, 2010
Did I ever tell you the story about the porkchop?
When you were a kid, we had to tie a porkchop around your neck to get the dog to play with you.
(my dad says this every time we eat porkchops)
posted by SirOmega at 12:58 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
When you were a kid, we had to tie a porkchop around your neck to get the dog to play with you.
(my dad says this every time we eat porkchops)
posted by SirOmega at 12:58 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Mock away now but I speak from experience. Threatening to embarrass the kids (without ever following through of course) is a great tool. I raised the kids grades substantially by threatening to stand on the sidewalk outside of the school playground during recess wearing a bathrobe and fuzzy pink slippers while doing the Macarena.
Or at least that's the explanation I gave to the arresting officer when he found me standing on the sidewalk outside of the school playground during recess wearing a bathrobe and fuzzy pink slippers while doing the Macarena.
posted by vapidave at 1:02 PM on June 20, 2010 [7 favorites]
Or at least that's the explanation I gave to the arresting officer when he found me standing on the sidewalk outside of the school playground during recess wearing a bathrobe and fuzzy pink slippers while doing the Macarena.
posted by vapidave at 1:02 PM on June 20, 2010 [7 favorites]
I smiled a little, sort of wistfully, at the post title.
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:09 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:09 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
You're in a nursing home and you don't understand much anymore...
He didn't understand much, but he kept coming up with old jokes we hadn't heard before right to the very end. I think he thought someone would pull the plug if he didn't keep up his side of the conversation.
posted by StickyCarpet at 1:15 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
He didn't understand much, but he kept coming up with old jokes we hadn't heard before right to the very end. I think he thought someone would pull the plug if he didn't keep up his side of the conversation.
posted by StickyCarpet at 1:15 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Every time someone mentions Alaska, my dad says, "I got an uncle in Alaska. Nome? Of course I know him, he's my uncle!"
posted by ifandonlyif at 1:17 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by ifandonlyif at 1:17 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
[walking by a SLOW — CHILDREN sign]
My dad: "I feel so sorry for those people that have slow children."
Never fails.
posted by theredpen at 1:21 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
My dad: "I feel so sorry for those people that have slow children."
Never fails.
posted by theredpen at 1:21 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Threatening to embarrass the kids (without ever following through of course) is a great tool.
You should have told my Dad about the whole "not following through" part.
I can't currently remember any specific "Dad jokes" off the top of my head, although I'm sure there are many. Mostly I remember "Dad stories," specific, possibly apocryphal, stories he would tell every time we would pass a particular landmark (example - every time we passed Wil-Kil Pest Control - "We had a friend who lived in an apartment above that place. Flies would come in the window and just drop dead.")
And Dad embarrassing us, a skill which he had mastered. One of the worst was when he sang the "Snuggle Up" song to his fourth and fifth grade class while my sister was his student. The "Snuggle Up" song was something he wrote about my sister and I when we were toddlers, and it mentioned us both by name.
Snuggle up/snuggle up/with Emily and Margaret
Snuggle up/ snuggle up/until the dawn when we get up
(That is all I care to remember right now.)
This was all fine for little kids around the campfire, but in a classroom full of ones peers, it was a torment beyond endurance. She ran from the room in tears, and twenty eight years later, as far as I know, is still furious. I was in the next room over, and only endured some residual mockery.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:30 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
You should have told my Dad about the whole "not following through" part.
I can't currently remember any specific "Dad jokes" off the top of my head, although I'm sure there are many. Mostly I remember "Dad stories," specific, possibly apocryphal, stories he would tell every time we would pass a particular landmark (example - every time we passed Wil-Kil Pest Control - "We had a friend who lived in an apartment above that place. Flies would come in the window and just drop dead.")
And Dad embarrassing us, a skill which he had mastered. One of the worst was when he sang the "Snuggle Up" song to his fourth and fifth grade class while my sister was his student. The "Snuggle Up" song was something he wrote about my sister and I when we were toddlers, and it mentioned us both by name.
Snuggle up/snuggle up/with Emily and Margaret
Snuggle up/ snuggle up/until the dawn when we get up
(That is all I care to remember right now.)
This was all fine for little kids around the campfire, but in a classroom full of ones peers, it was a torment beyond endurance. She ran from the room in tears, and twenty eight years later, as far as I know, is still furious. I was in the next room over, and only endured some residual mockery.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:30 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
My kids will remember me for these perennial favorites:
Kid: I'm bored.
Me: I'm the chairman of the bored.
On first evening of summer vacation:
Well, you'd better get to bed, you have school in 3 months.
posted by bitslayer at 1:37 PM on June 20, 2010 [9 favorites]
Kid: I'm bored.
Me: I'm the chairman of the bored.
On first evening of summer vacation:
Well, you'd better get to bed, you have school in 3 months.
posted by bitslayer at 1:37 PM on June 20, 2010 [9 favorites]
"Do you know (blank)?"
Dad: No, but if you hum a few bars...
Not a joke but you'd know when pony request time was over when dad said "Yes, and if a buzzard hadda jukebox up its ass there'd be music in the air"
posted by hal9k at 1:49 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dad: No, but if you hum a few bars...
Not a joke but you'd know when pony request time was over when dad said "Yes, and if a buzzard hadda jukebox up its ass there'd be music in the air"
posted by hal9k at 1:49 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
At a restaurant....
Me/Siblings/Mom: Makes bad joke
Dad: [to waiter] Can I have another table please?
Me: [Eating something]
Dad: Does that look funny to you? [places hand underneath dish as in to shove it in face.]
Around the house...
Me: My face hurts
Dad: Yea, well it's killing me!
(Shamelessly stolen from the 3 stooges, I later learned)
Me: Makes fun of him
Dad: Hey! I resemble that remark!
posted by lunit at 2:01 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Me/Siblings/Mom: Makes bad joke
Dad: [to waiter] Can I have another table please?
Me: [Eating something]
Dad: Does that look funny to you? [places hand underneath dish as in to shove it in face.]
Around the house...
Me: My face hurts
Dad: Yea, well it's killing me!
(Shamelessly stolen from the 3 stooges, I later learned)
Me: Makes fun of him
Dad: Hey! I resemble that remark!
posted by lunit at 2:01 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
"Dad, can you pass the mustard?"
"If I could pass mustard, I'd be rich."
***
"We're having duck for dinner."
"Sorry, what are we having for dinner?"
"Duck."
And so he ducks.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 2:13 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
"If I could pass mustard, I'd be rich."
***
"We're having duck for dinner."
"Sorry, what are we having for dinner?"
"Duck."
And so he ducks.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 2:13 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Not my dad, but my grandad while doing a crossword:
"Here, I can't get this clue. It just says 'Post office'."
"How many letters?"
"Oh thousands. Thousands!"
posted by lucidium at 2:14 PM on June 20, 2010 [19 favorites]
"Here, I can't get this clue. It just says 'Post office'."
"How many letters?"
"Oh thousands. Thousands!"
posted by lucidium at 2:14 PM on June 20, 2010 [19 favorites]
"Gentlemen... and I use that term loosely."
Three brothers.
posted by seagull.apollo at 2:22 PM on June 20, 2010
Three brothers.
posted by seagull.apollo at 2:22 PM on June 20, 2010
When grocery shopping, 'You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a root.'
idunno, that one's not so bad, considering that 'root' is aussie slang for a fuck.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:25 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
idunno, that one's not so bad, considering that 'root' is aussie slang for a fuck.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:25 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Have you heard the one about the farmer who won an award for being out standing in his own field?
posted by ceribus peribus at 2:26 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ceribus peribus at 2:26 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hmm. My dad leans more in this direction:
What has 4 legs, is green, and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you.
Pool table.
(I guess he's right.)
posted by nat at 2:51 PM on June 20, 2010 [7 favorites]
What has 4 legs, is green, and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you.
Pool table.
(I guess he's right.)
posted by nat at 2:51 PM on June 20, 2010 [7 favorites]
In the seafood section of the grocery store:
Dad: *tsk tsk* That's just not right. Someone should do something!
Me: About what?
Dad: [points to sign advertising "Battered Cod"]
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 3:00 PM on June 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
Dad: *tsk tsk* That's just not right. Someone should do something!
Me: About what?
Dad: [points to sign advertising "Battered Cod"]
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 3:00 PM on June 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
My dad's favourite was, whenever we were driving and there appeared to be a lot of traffic going exclusively in one particular direction: "Ah, must be free beer at [the pub that way]." In restaurants he always made little mice out of paper napkins and held them out for your to touch but when you did he flicked his fingers and the mouse jumped away. He wasn't even all that racist, silly old bugger. Dead now though.
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:06 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:06 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also we have been watching The Royle Family on DVD lately - Jim Royle has some good dad jokes, provided you can understand what he's saying.
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:08 PM on June 20, 2010
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:08 PM on June 20, 2010
My dad made up a song to the tune of "Rudoloph the Red Nosed Reindeer." Someday he will teach Baby Zizzle this song, and I fear every Christmas after.
Simon the Green Eared Erfnurf
had a very stinky poo,
and if you ever smelt it,
you would say it's he, not you.
Well, you get the idea. I won't horrify the sensibilities of Mefites any more than I already have.
posted by zizzle at 3:09 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Simon the Green Eared Erfnurf
had a very stinky poo,
and if you ever smelt it,
you would say it's he, not you.
Well, you get the idea. I won't horrify the sensibilities of Mefites any more than I already have.
posted by zizzle at 3:09 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh!
When dad was on his last stint in hospital, he had an Irish nurse taking care of him, with the accent and everything. So dad was lying there and she came in and fluffed his pillows and so forth and said "So Mr. Wall, how's your bed?" but "bed" could easily be misinterpreted as "beard" so dad felt his face and said "It's coming along nicely, thanks."
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:15 PM on June 20, 2010
When dad was on his last stint in hospital, he had an Irish nurse taking care of him, with the accent and everything. So dad was lying there and she came in and fluffed his pillows and so forth and said "So Mr. Wall, how's your bed?" but "bed" could easily be misinterpreted as "beard" so dad felt his face and said "It's coming along nicely, thanks."
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:15 PM on June 20, 2010
My dad once rigged the top of the mailbox with a battery and a capacitor in order to discourage the crows from sitting on it. I said "Dad, don't you think you should put some kind of warning sign on that?"
He looked at me confused and said, "Crows can't read."
posted by dephlogisticated at 3:31 PM on June 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
He looked at me confused and said, "Crows can't read."
posted by dephlogisticated at 3:31 PM on June 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
me or one of my three siblings: "Dad, where are we going?"
Dad, with a manic grin: "Crazy, wanna come along?!"
posted by Navelgazer at 3:54 PM on June 20, 2010
Dad, with a manic grin: "Crazy, wanna come along?!"
posted by Navelgazer at 3:54 PM on June 20, 2010
..... This thread is making me miss my dad so much.
.
posted by webmutant at 4:07 PM on June 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
.
posted by webmutant at 4:07 PM on June 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
Server: Smoking or non?
My dad: Eating, please.
Every freaking time. It's one of the joys of province-wide non-smoking laws that I never have to hear that joke again.
He would also 'defend' me and my sisters when one of us threw an insult like "You little jerk!" by storming in outraged and yelling "Hey! Who are you calling little??"
see also: I resemble that remark; you got a haircut/yes, I got them all cut
posted by heatherann at 4:11 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
My dad: Eating, please.
Every freaking time. It's one of the joys of province-wide non-smoking laws that I never have to hear that joke again.
He would also 'defend' me and my sisters when one of us threw an insult like "You little jerk!" by storming in outraged and yelling "Hey! Who are you calling little??"
see also: I resemble that remark; you got a haircut/yes, I got them all cut
posted by heatherann at 4:11 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Another favourite:
Dad: Honey, have you seen my keys?
Mom: They're on the table.
Dad (looks on the table): Nevermind, I found them!
posted by heatherann at 4:14 PM on June 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
Dad: Honey, have you seen my keys?
Mom: They're on the table.
Dad (looks on the table): Nevermind, I found them!
posted by heatherann at 4:14 PM on June 20, 2010 [5 favorites]
As a decent catch of grouper was being cleaned, my daughter gagged at the fish guts thrown to the pelicans. "That's disgusting" she said. "Yes, truly offal"
posted by hal9k at 4:16 PM on June 20, 2010
posted by hal9k at 4:16 PM on June 20, 2010
Server: Table for five? It'll be about a 15 minute wait. Could I have your name please?
Me: Donner.
posted by hal9k at 4:19 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Me: Donner.
posted by hal9k at 4:19 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
My family just went to the beach and, well,
"Hey did you know that Blackbeard's real name was Edward Teach?"
"Hmm really"
"Yeah so his original pirate name was actually Blackboard."
My dad is filled with interesting historical information, so often he'll really be telling you an interesting historical anecdote. But the other half of the time, he's actually just setting up a really, really silly pun. You never know until he's done talking.
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:26 PM on June 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
"Hey did you know that Blackbeard's real name was Edward Teach?"
"Hmm really"
"Yeah so his original pirate name was actually Blackboard."
My dad is filled with interesting historical information, so often he'll really be telling you an interesting historical anecdote. But the other half of the time, he's actually just setting up a really, really silly pun. You never know until he's done talking.
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:26 PM on June 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
In defense of fathers and their stupid jokes I'd like to say that since becoming a father I've noticed that kids ask a lot of really stupid questions, often repeatedly.
posted by wabbittwax at 4:27 PM on June 20, 2010 [14 favorites]
posted by wabbittwax at 4:27 PM on June 20, 2010 [14 favorites]
Why?
posted by Artw at 4:32 PM on June 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by Artw at 4:32 PM on June 20, 2010 [6 favorites]
Dad (at my birthday): So how old are you now?
Me: (number)
Dad: My Lord! I can't believe the neighbors have let you live that long!
that was before my teens. Now I'm in my 40s, he just shakes his head sadly and says, "Neighbors have been lenient, haven't they?"
Also his favorite visual joke is in the movie "Arthur" when the butler at Susan's house says, "Follow me, sir," and Arthur does the "Walk this way" gag.
posted by toodleydoodley at 4:52 PM on June 20, 2010
Me: (number)
Dad: My Lord! I can't believe the neighbors have let you live that long!
that was before my teens. Now I'm in my 40s, he just shakes his head sadly and says, "Neighbors have been lenient, haven't they?"
Also his favorite visual joke is in the movie "Arthur" when the butler at Susan's house says, "Follow me, sir," and Arthur does the "Walk this way" gag.
posted by toodleydoodley at 4:52 PM on June 20, 2010
Grandpa: This food's SB...
...
.....
.......
.........
..............
.....................
.. (what's SB?)
Grandpa: Snot bad!
*everyone groans*
posted by Christ, what an asshole at 5:10 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
...
.....
.......
.........
..............
.....................
.. (what's SB?)
Grandpa: Snot bad!
*everyone groans*
posted by Christ, what an asshole at 5:10 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh man, if my son doesn't already think I'm corny, wait until I hit him with THESE!
Happy Father's Day to me!!
posted by not_on_display at 5:24 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Happy Father's Day to me!!
posted by not_on_display at 5:24 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think it's a father's way of prepping the kids for that day they leave us and go out on their own. You quit giving straight answers and start throwing down some zen with these smart-ass teenagers you're suddenly surrounded with. My kids set these situations up like bowling pins. You get to craving the eyeroll, the "Oh, dad, stop!" and the "nevermind" with every old joke. Maybe you want their questions to improve. You want their sources to expand. You're helping them think for themselves instead of depending on dad for all the answers. I haven't given a straight answer for some time now. I'm still funny to them, in my own way, and loved. But I'm becoming irrelevant. Good.
I'll tell you a secret: I actually know how to work a remote control, set the clock on the car and a hundred other things I found out how to do by trying. I know it's not called "Facepage". I know why the lawnmower didn't work because I was the one who took off the sparkplug mount, knowing you'd get frustrated with me and take over figuring out what was wrong. These teaching moments at the (cheap) expense of my pride, for now, take a bit of forethought to pull off. Soon enough it will come naturally. Soon enough.
Where was I. Leg. Leg I see. Oh! These jokes are our legacy (shrugs, palms out) such as it is. Maybe dads do this because when the kids are gone or we're six feet under, we just want to be... missed. Just a little. And always with a smile. My dad's been gone 30 years. This thread reads like the best of what he was (such as it was) and what he left me.
Happy Father's Day
posted by hal9k at 5:24 PM on June 20, 2010 [21 favorites]
I'll tell you a secret: I actually know how to work a remote control, set the clock on the car and a hundred other things I found out how to do by trying. I know it's not called "Facepage". I know why the lawnmower didn't work because I was the one who took off the sparkplug mount, knowing you'd get frustrated with me and take over figuring out what was wrong. These teaching moments at the (cheap) expense of my pride, for now, take a bit of forethought to pull off. Soon enough it will come naturally. Soon enough.
Where was I. Leg. Leg I see. Oh! These jokes are our legacy (shrugs, palms out) such as it is. Maybe dads do this because when the kids are gone or we're six feet under, we just want to be... missed. Just a little. And always with a smile. My dad's been gone 30 years. This thread reads like the best of what he was (such as it was) and what he left me.
Happy Father's Day
posted by hal9k at 5:24 PM on June 20, 2010 [21 favorites]
Server: Table for five? It'll be about a 15 minute wait. Could I have your name please?
Me: Donner.
OK, can somebody please explain this one to me? I've been trying & trying & I just can't figure it out. Something to do with Santa's reindeer? A pun that only works in American? ("dahnerrr"? - still means nothing to me...) "Mr Donner, your table is ready"? - no joke in that. Some obscure cultural reference? GAAAH, this is killing me!!!
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:40 PM on June 20, 2010
Me: Donner.
OK, can somebody please explain this one to me? I've been trying & trying & I just can't figure it out. Something to do with Santa's reindeer? A pun that only works in American? ("dahnerrr"? - still means nothing to me...) "Mr Donner, your table is ready"? - no joke in that. Some obscure cultural reference? GAAAH, this is killing me!!!
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:40 PM on June 20, 2010
In Pennsylvania, there is a little town called East Texas. I learned from my friends that all of our dads and grandfathers said the same thing when driving by: "East Texas? We must have taken a wrong turn!"
posted by Toothless Willy at 5:42 PM on June 20, 2010
posted by Toothless Willy at 5:42 PM on June 20, 2010
I'll tell you a secret: I actually know how to work a remote control, set the clock on the car and a hundred other things I found out how to do by trying
I haven't tried any of these, but then mine aren't quite teens yet. With my younger ones I have a running claim that I know everything. They (mostly) know I'm kidding and it's a real challenge dodging their attempts at disproving me. It does a pretty job of teaching them skepticism. My daughter in particular getting pretty savvy: "Oh, Daddy! Did you know...oh wait, of course you do. ...what was I going to say?"
posted by DU at 5:52 PM on June 20, 2010
I haven't tried any of these, but then mine aren't quite teens yet. With my younger ones I have a running claim that I know everything. They (mostly) know I'm kidding and it's a real challenge dodging their attempts at disproving me. It does a pretty job of teaching them skepticism. My daughter in particular getting pretty savvy: "Oh, Daddy! Did you know...oh wait, of course you do. ...what was I going to say?"
posted by DU at 5:52 PM on June 20, 2010
It's funny, one of my dad's traditional jokes has sucked me in. There's a delicious dish that my mom makes called rouladen - thin beef with pickles, onion and mustard rolled in, wrapped with string to hold it together during cooking. Whenever she is serving it to guests, she explains that you have to remove the string, at which point my dad says "but save the string! we'll re-use it" and then I say "just like that joke" and I can't stop myself! we've all heard it, but it's there! and I think it's funny! and I just can't resist! Then my dad looks happily smug, with that particular "you complained about my jokes throughout your teenage years, and now you do it too" look.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 6:17 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 6:17 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
I've been told for a while now that I have a "Dad" sense of humor, ie making really corny and unfunny jokes for no one's amusement but my own and laughing at them, and I look forward to the day when I grow into it.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 6:22 PM on June 20, 2010
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 6:22 PM on June 20, 2010
My dad for the most part has moved past the Dad Jokes. However, he still uses Homer Simpson's "D'oh!" as a silly exclamation, and always looks at me expectantly for a laugh.
It's funny because my dad is not a Simpsons fan. Far from it: His only experience with the show is when we would all watch it together as a family on Sunday nights. During their first season. In 1989.
You gotta respect the staying power of a Dad Brand Cultural Reference™ from 1989. The man hasn't watched The Simpsons in 21 fucking years but he still uses "D'oh!"
I guess I'm just glad he doesn't try to drop, I don't know, Tone Loc references into conversation. I love him to death, but there are limits.
posted by ErikaB at 6:25 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's funny because my dad is not a Simpsons fan. Far from it: His only experience with the show is when we would all watch it together as a family on Sunday nights. During their first season. In 1989.
You gotta respect the staying power of a Dad Brand Cultural Reference™ from 1989. The man hasn't watched The Simpsons in 21 fucking years but he still uses "D'oh!"
I guess I'm just glad he doesn't try to drop, I don't know, Tone Loc references into conversation. I love him to death, but there are limits.
posted by ErikaB at 6:25 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is making me wish I didn't have to settle for wishing my dad happy Father's Day over the phone today! I'll have to remember some of these to use on him the next time I visit. The good part about having a dad who loves his corny puns is you know he'll always laugh at yours too.
hal9k: Not a joke but you'd know when pony request time was over when dad said "Yes, and if a buzzard hadda jukebox up its ass there'd be music in the air"
Ha, when my brother and I would make extravagant requests, my dad used to say "What more do you want, jam on it?" Regardless of what "it" was.
[Not hard to believe Dad was a war baby when his go-to metaphor for extravagance is...jam.]
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 6:30 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
hal9k: Not a joke but you'd know when pony request time was over when dad said "Yes, and if a buzzard hadda jukebox up its ass there'd be music in the air"
Ha, when my brother and I would make extravagant requests, my dad used to say "What more do you want, jam on it?" Regardless of what "it" was.
[Not hard to believe Dad was a war baby when his go-to metaphor for extravagance is...jam.]
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 6:30 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
"But I'm becoming irrelevant. Good."
That's the trick of a good Dad. The sidelong glance from shore as the kids swim out. Dad feigning nonchalance. The kids sneak a glance too. They look to shore and see Dad there and he doesn't look worried, so they swim out a little farther.
Happy Father's Day.
I called my father-in-law just an hour ago. I faked that the call was collect, he accepted. Phew.
posted by vapidave at 6:43 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
That's the trick of a good Dad. The sidelong glance from shore as the kids swim out. Dad feigning nonchalance. The kids sneak a glance too. They look to shore and see Dad there and he doesn't look worried, so they swim out a little farther.
Happy Father's Day.
I called my father-in-law just an hour ago. I faked that the call was collect, he accepted. Phew.
posted by vapidave at 6:43 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Okay, okay...
(at the movie theater)
Dad: feel like popcorn?
Me: sure.
Dad: that's funny... you don't look like popcorn.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 6:44 PM on June 20, 2010
(at the movie theater)
Dad: feel like popcorn?
Me: sure.
Dad: that's funny... you don't look like popcorn.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 6:44 PM on June 20, 2010
OK, can somebody please explain this one to me? I've been trying & trying & I just can't figure it out. Something to do with Santa's reindeer? A pun that only works in American?
The Donner Party was a group of people moving west to California in a covered-wagon train. There are only a few passes through the Sierra Nevada, and as they were approaching the pass they got snowed in, locking them in for the winter. Lacking enough food, they eated their dead.
The other joke is "Donner, party of 7... 6... 3..."
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:16 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
The Donner Party was a group of people moving west to California in a covered-wagon train. There are only a few passes through the Sierra Nevada, and as they were approaching the pass they got snowed in, locking them in for the winter. Lacking enough food, they eated their dead.
The other joke is "Donner, party of 7... 6... 3..."
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:16 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Parental wisdom: "Be careful out there and don't have an accident"
Teenager: "I'm not planning on having an accident"
Parental wisdom: "That's what an accident is. Something you're not planning."
posted by effluvia at 7:24 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Teenager: "I'm not planning on having an accident"
Parental wisdom: "That's what an accident is. Something you're not planning."
posted by effluvia at 7:24 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Teenager: "I'm not planning on having an accident"
Parental wisdom: "That's what an accident is. Something you're not planning."
Younger kids are prone to this as well.
Child: I didn't *try* to (break that item, or whatever it is)!
Me: I know you didn't. But you also didn't try NOT to. Jumping on the bed (for example) is failing to try NOT to break the bedside lamp.
posted by DU at 7:28 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Parental wisdom: "That's what an accident is. Something you're not planning."
Younger kids are prone to this as well.
Child: I didn't *try* to (break that item, or whatever it is)!
Me: I know you didn't. But you also didn't try NOT to. Jumping on the bed (for example) is failing to try NOT to break the bedside lamp.
posted by DU at 7:28 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
OK, can somebody please explain this one to me? I've been trying & trying & I just can't figure it out. Something to do with Santa's reindeer? A pun that only works in American? ("dahnerrr"? - still means nothing to me...) "Mr Donner, your table is ready"? - no joke in that. Some obscure cultural reference? GAAAH, this is killing me!!!
I'm glad it was you and not me, Ubu.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:28 PM on June 20, 2010
I'm glad it was you and not me, Ubu.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:28 PM on June 20, 2010
Daughter: I'm hungry.
Me: I'm Checkoslovakia.
Every time, you'd think she would have learnt by now.
posted by unliteral at 7:49 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Me: I'm Checkoslovakia.
Every time, you'd think she would have learnt by now.
posted by unliteral at 7:49 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
OK, can somebody please explain this one to me? I've been trying & trying & I just can't figure it out. Something to do with Santa's reindeer? A pun that only works in American? ("dahnerrr"? - still means nothing to me...) "Mr Donner, your table is ready"? - no joke in that. Some obscure cultural reference? GAAAH, this is killing me!!!
Calm down. Answer is "Donner party of five, your table is waiting." It was hopelessly obscure and I apologize for it. Didn't mean to upset. If it helps, I can give you the number of my kids' therapist (if you're from the US of course - she doesn't accept czechs).
posted by hal9k at 7:57 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Calm down. Answer is "Donner party of five, your table is waiting." It was hopelessly obscure and I apologize for it. Didn't mean to upset. If it helps, I can give you the number of my kids' therapist (if you're from the US of course - she doesn't accept czechs).
posted by hal9k at 7:57 PM on June 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
"Is Phil there?"
"Yeah."
* no further response *
That was funny up until I was about 20.
posted by yhbc at 8:02 PM on June 20, 2010
"Yeah."
* no further response *
That was funny up until I was about 20.
posted by yhbc at 8:02 PM on June 20, 2010
Me: What's for dinner?
Dad: Food.
------
Me: I hurt my finger!
Dad: You'll get over it before you become a girl.
------
Dad [after finishing a plate of food]: Tastes like more!
Dad [after finishing a beer]: One dead soldier.
Even though I don't have kids, I say these very things.
posted by bwg at 8:03 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dad: Food.
------
Me: I hurt my finger!
Dad: You'll get over it before you become a girl.
------
Dad [after finishing a plate of food]: Tastes like more!
Dad [after finishing a beer]: One dead soldier.
Even though I don't have kids, I say these very things.
posted by bwg at 8:03 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
she doesn't accept czechs
hey, we latvians & czechs are poles apart.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:25 PM on June 20, 2010
hey, we latvians & czechs are poles apart.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:25 PM on June 20, 2010
hey, we latvians & czechs are poles apart.
you are practically russian to finnish.
posted by Back to you, Jim. at 9:34 PM on June 20, 2010
you are practically russian to finnish.
posted by Back to you, Jim. at 9:34 PM on June 20, 2010
My dad is filled with interesting historical information, so often he'll really be telling you an interesting historical anecdote. But the other half of the time, he's actually just setting up a really, really silly pun. You never know until he's done talking.
Oh god, my stepdad does this. He's got all kinds of weird little tidbits of information, and he'll share them if the subject arises. Of course, half the time, he's just setting up some truly awful pun. It's to the point where any time he tries to share one of those tidbits with the family, the rest of us just look at him with that "Yeah, right" sort of expression.
In retrospect he's probably largely responsible for the fact that my brother and I really love awful puns.
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:38 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh god, my stepdad does this. He's got all kinds of weird little tidbits of information, and he'll share them if the subject arises. Of course, half the time, he's just setting up some truly awful pun. It's to the point where any time he tries to share one of those tidbits with the family, the rest of us just look at him with that "Yeah, right" sort of expression.
In retrospect he's probably largely responsible for the fact that my brother and I really love awful puns.
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:38 PM on June 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
you are practically russian to finnish.
yes, i suggest ukraine your neck. i wouldn't want to be responsible for a crimea.
that's it; i've got nothing more
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:10 PM on June 20, 2010
yes, i suggest ukraine your neck. i wouldn't want to be responsible for a crimea.
that's it; i've got nothing more
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:10 PM on June 20, 2010
When I was an easily embarrassed 15 year old, my Dad make this improvised joke that still kills me whenever I think about it. I had just recently been to cheerleading camp in Ferrum, Virginia and bought the requisite T-shirt with the word "Ferrum" emblazoned above my left breast. We are on vacation driving through south Florida and stop for lunch. He is sitting opposite me. I see him looking at my t-shirt with the Dad shit eating grin on his face and I know, something is up. He looks me straight in the eye and says, "Fer rum? What's the other one fer, whiskey?" I can't help it. Makes me laugh every time. I sure do miss him. Happy Fathers Day.
posted by wv kay in ga at 11:39 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by wv kay in ga at 11:39 PM on June 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
In defense of fathers and their stupid jokes I'd like to say that since becoming a father I've noticed that kids ask a lot of really stupid questions, often repeatedly.
posted by wabbittwax at 12:27 AM on June 21
Why?
posted by Artw at 12:32 AM on June 21
Z!
posted by tomcooke at 12:20 AM on June 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by wabbittwax at 12:27 AM on June 21
Why?
posted by Artw at 12:32 AM on June 21
Z!
posted by tomcooke at 12:20 AM on June 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
Now that we have kids, my husband and I pull the "flock of cows" routine on car trips.
We'll drive past some cows. One of us will go, "Hey look! A flock of cows!"
The other will say, "Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows. Heard of sheep?"
Our older one is just old enough to groan and roll his eyes now. Just like I did when my Grad said it.
posted by tracicle at 12:46 AM on June 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
We'll drive past some cows. One of us will go, "Hey look! A flock of cows!"
The other will say, "Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows. Heard of sheep?"
Our older one is just old enough to groan and roll his eyes now. Just like I did when my Grad said it.
posted by tracicle at 12:46 AM on June 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
Waitress: Would you like anything else?
Dad: I'll have a Henway.
Waitress: What's a Henway?
Dad: Oh, about three or four pounds.
that's when Mom and I make a pact to walk out and leave him next time, but we never do.
posted by komara at 7:46 AM on June 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dad: I'll have a Henway.
Waitress: What's a Henway?
Dad: Oh, about three or four pounds.
that's when Mom and I make a pact to walk out and leave him next time, but we never do.
posted by komara at 7:46 AM on June 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
My daughter, after a long day at work: "My feet are killing me!"
Me: "You should have them arrested!"
Me, to my son: "What's up?"
Him: (slowly casts upward glance, delivers in deadpan) "The ceiling."
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:12 AM on June 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Me: "You should have them arrested!"
Me, to my son: "What's up?"
Him: (slowly casts upward glance, delivers in deadpan) "The ceiling."
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:12 AM on June 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
YOU CAN'T GO WRONG ON WRIGHT STREET.
My sister and I are possessed by the thousand ossified quips my father gave speech to every day. We have caught each other visibly, Tourrettishly straining to not say any given ritual utterance. I can suppress them, but they never stop arising at the "right" moments in my head.
AND YOU CAN LOOK THAT UP IN YOUR FUNK 'N' WAGNALLS.
posted by everichon at 8:27 AM on June 21, 2010
My sister and I are possessed by the thousand ossified quips my father gave speech to every day. We have caught each other visibly, Tourrettishly straining to not say any given ritual utterance. I can suppress them, but they never stop arising at the "right" moments in my head.
AND YOU CAN LOOK THAT UP IN YOUR FUNK 'N' WAGNALLS.
posted by everichon at 8:27 AM on June 21, 2010
Nthing everichon... YOU'RE AS WELCOME AS THE FLOWERS IN SPRING.
or DO YOU ACCEPT CASH?
Our dad's #1 and #2 hit-on-the-checkout-girl lines.
posted by ShadePlant at 8:48 AM on June 21, 2010
or DO YOU ACCEPT CASH?
Our dad's #1 and #2 hit-on-the-checkout-girl lines.
posted by ShadePlant at 8:48 AM on June 21, 2010
WATCH, IT, SLICK, [the cashier] WILL CLIMB OVER THE COUNTER AND BUST YOUR JAW.
aaaand I'm done.
posted by everichon at 9:03 AM on June 21, 2010
aaaand I'm done.
posted by everichon at 9:03 AM on June 21, 2010
Me: trips, walks into wall, #someawkwardthing.
My Dad: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE PAYING THAT DAMN UNIVERSITY FOR ANYHOW? LOOK AT YA.
posted by ShadePlant at 9:05 AM on June 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
My Dad: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE PAYING THAT DAMN UNIVERSITY FOR ANYHOW? LOOK AT YA.
posted by ShadePlant at 9:05 AM on June 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Waiter sets the check on the table.
Dad: Oh, I'm sorry. We can't stay for the drawing.
posted by hal9k at 10:36 AM on June 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
Dad: Oh, I'm sorry. We can't stay for the drawing.
posted by hal9k at 10:36 AM on June 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
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posted by griphus at 11:49 AM on June 20, 2010