Resource Guide to Coming Out as Bisexual
March 18, 2016 8:43 AM Subscribe
Resource Guide to Coming Out as Bisexual. A PDF pamphlet released by the Human Rights Campaign for Bisexual Health Awareness Month with the cooperation of BiNet USA, the Bisexual Resource Center, and the Bisexual Organizing Project.
Also released today: Depressing mental health statistics about gay, lesbian, and bisexual Canadians. Full article behind research paywall at American Journal of Public Health full article.
Also released today: Depressing mental health statistics about gay, lesbian, and bisexual Canadians. Full article behind research paywall at American Journal of Public Health full article.
Gay or lesbian and bisexual respondents had greater odds than heterosexuals of reporting co-occurring anxiety or mood disorders and heavy drinking. The highest rates of disorders were observed among bisexual respondents, with nearly quadruple the rates of anxiety, mood, and combined anxiety and mood disorders relative to heterosexuals and approximately twice the rates of gay or lesbian respondents.
I was out as bisexual for a few years as a young adult, then came to realize my preferences had changed and I wasn't anymore. That's the kind of thing that pretty much pisses everybody off and challenges a lot of people's orthodoxies and sense of their own identity. It's good to see these issues getting some attention.
posted by saulgoodman at 9:07 AM on March 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by saulgoodman at 9:07 AM on March 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
Sometimes I feel guilty: I've always been attracted to women as well as men, but I've never have to worry about discrimination against me and my opposite-sex partner. I didn't have to come out to my grandmother, or most of my family. I have faced far less discrimination than anyone in a same-sex relationship (whether gay or bi). I could pass as hetero if I wished to.
But part of alieviating that guilt has been outing myself more often, including being involved in the queer community. Also, it's nice being in a space where gender non-conformity is blandly accepted (not that there aren't straight non-conformists, but it's more common among bi & gay people), and no one bats an eye when you acknowledge your on-going mini-crush on Janet McTeer (who played Vita Sackville-West in the biopic).
posted by jb at 9:10 AM on March 18, 2016 [14 favorites]
But part of alieviating that guilt has been outing myself more often, including being involved in the queer community. Also, it's nice being in a space where gender non-conformity is blandly accepted (not that there aren't straight non-conformists, but it's more common among bi & gay people), and no one bats an eye when you acknowledge your on-going mini-crush on Janet McTeer (who played Vita Sackville-West in the biopic).
posted by jb at 9:10 AM on March 18, 2016 [14 favorites]
I'm coming to the conclusion that I can't deal with many of the quirks regarding my personal crazy without coming out of the closet, even though I'm in a mixed-gender LTR and don't have anything legally at stake.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 9:47 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 9:47 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
In too many cases, people who express some degree of bisexuality are pressured –– from both non-LGBTQ and gay and lesbian communities alike –– to “choose” or “pick a side,” meaning to identify as gay, lesbian or straightWhen I've come out as a bi woman I've never been pressured to "pick a side." I have, however, been met with catcalls, an objectifying comment about another woman (with the expectation that I would also join in with an objectifying comment of my own), and jeers to make out with another woman, as if I were a dog ready to do tricks to earn that nugget of male approval.
I wish the HRC's guide had talked about how to respond to these remarks. I'm willing to bet that a significant proportion of young bi women have to manage how to deal with these responses, as if coming out wasn't fraught enough.
posted by nicodine at 9:52 AM on March 18, 2016 [22 favorites]
I have often wished I could pass as one or the other. Folks are so strange about identity, as though a label somehow supercedes the reality, a reality far messier than any words can really capture. I can't pass, and trying to only worsens things more for myself. Most partners, especially the ones most suitable, figure it out eventually if I don't tell them. It takes a great deal of discipline to mask what amounts to lizard brain impulses.
posted by Strange_Robinson at 10:16 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Strange_Robinson at 10:16 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Back in the day, straight people would merely dismiss my "orientation" as a phase, or think I was "confused." It was members of the leadership of the local "Gay Rights" movement that were most dismissive though. Because in addition to those factors, I was also "bad for the movement." Because I could "pass" easier than they could. And because they feared that straight folk saw me as the conduit for AIDS. These are things that I was actually told, around a conference table, by the business-oriented and politically connected Gay and Lesbian Leaders, when trying to join in and figure out how to get us all the same rights that the majority had.
This crap kept me out of helping with LGBT+ advocacy for years. Decades. From the AIDS crisis in the mid-80s through most of my young adulthood I would have absolutely nothing to do with Queer activism, and focused on passing in the straight community way more than worrying about whether Gay and Lesbian folks, whom I felt had rejected my ability to help the movement based on my orientation.
This Resource Guide does address some of these issues. I sure could have used it 30+ years ago. I'm glad it's there for folks now. I did get active again and have advocated at our state Capitol on LGBT issues regularly for the past few years. I'm glad that the LG community and the B & T communities are all more inclusive with one another than they were back then. But apparently there's still work to be done.
posted by Cookiebastard at 10:37 AM on March 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
This crap kept me out of helping with LGBT+ advocacy for years. Decades. From the AIDS crisis in the mid-80s through most of my young adulthood I would have absolutely nothing to do with Queer activism, and focused on passing in the straight community way more than worrying about whether Gay and Lesbian folks, whom I felt had rejected my ability to help the movement based on my orientation.
This Resource Guide does address some of these issues. I sure could have used it 30+ years ago. I'm glad it's there for folks now. I did get active again and have advocated at our state Capitol on LGBT issues regularly for the past few years. I'm glad that the LG community and the B & T communities are all more inclusive with one another than they were back then. But apparently there's still work to be done.
posted by Cookiebastard at 10:37 AM on March 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
I once brought it up to my boyfriend.. who c once brought it up to my boyfriend.. who confessed concern and fear that I might dump him because my pool of candidates was twice as big then if I was straight.
I once brought it up to my (long long ago ex) boyfriend, who confesed concern that I would "run away with the intergalactic space dykes with four foot tongues" and I assured him that his fears were perfectly reasonable and founded because Hell yeah I absolutely would.
But no, it does not "automatically double your choice of partners," that's not how it works.
And no, it doesn't mean you "get to watch," either.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:43 AM on March 18, 2016 [14 favorites]
I once brought it up to my (long long ago ex) boyfriend, who confesed concern that I would "run away with the intergalactic space dykes with four foot tongues" and I assured him that his fears were perfectly reasonable and founded because Hell yeah I absolutely would.
But no, it does not "automatically double your choice of partners," that's not how it works.
And no, it doesn't mean you "get to watch," either.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:43 AM on March 18, 2016 [14 favorites]
I'm glad this document exists. I hope that it's helpful in the coming process for a lot of bisexual people.
I wish I understood the vitriol that gay and lesbians throw at bisexuals
As a gay man, here's a couple reasons. I am not claiming that these are valid in any way.
I identified as bisexual for a few months while figuring out my own sexuality, as a way to hold on to at least a little bit of hetero goodness (this was in the early 80s, and I grew up in an environment where homosexuality = evil, to the extent it was acknowledged to exist. And I am a solid Kinsey 6. I've had sex with women twice in my life, the first time I was the victim of a sexual assault, the second time was because it was starting to look like a repeat of the sexual assault, and I just wanted to get it over with. The notion that everybody is bisexual was pretty popular among women I knew when I was 18). And I'm not the only one from that era who used that identity as a shield against their own homophobia. All the men I knew in the 80s who identified as bisexual later identified as gay. And one man I know who identifies as bisexual now called himself straight back then.
On the hand, nowadays, all of my bisexual friends who are partnered are with partners of the opposite sex. Almost all of my bisexual friends told me they were bisexual in private conversations, and only one of them is open about it in social media, etc. So while they've all got to deal with their own internal homophobia, and that of those who they're out to, in their day to day public life they aren't the direct target of society's homophobia.
I hope that as more people are public about their sexuality, these sorts of resentments will fade.
posted by conic at 12:30 PM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
I wish I understood the vitriol that gay and lesbians throw at bisexuals
As a gay man, here's a couple reasons. I am not claiming that these are valid in any way.
I identified as bisexual for a few months while figuring out my own sexuality, as a way to hold on to at least a little bit of hetero goodness (this was in the early 80s, and I grew up in an environment where homosexuality = evil, to the extent it was acknowledged to exist. And I am a solid Kinsey 6. I've had sex with women twice in my life, the first time I was the victim of a sexual assault, the second time was because it was starting to look like a repeat of the sexual assault, and I just wanted to get it over with. The notion that everybody is bisexual was pretty popular among women I knew when I was 18). And I'm not the only one from that era who used that identity as a shield against their own homophobia. All the men I knew in the 80s who identified as bisexual later identified as gay. And one man I know who identifies as bisexual now called himself straight back then.
On the hand, nowadays, all of my bisexual friends who are partnered are with partners of the opposite sex. Almost all of my bisexual friends told me they were bisexual in private conversations, and only one of them is open about it in social media, etc. So while they've all got to deal with their own internal homophobia, and that of those who they're out to, in their day to day public life they aren't the direct target of society's homophobia.
I hope that as more people are public about their sexuality, these sorts of resentments will fade.
posted by conic at 12:30 PM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Ah, thanks for this. As a queer woman in a heteronormative relationship, it's sometimes hard to talk about.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:09 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:09 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
What's been most jarring to me as someone who is bi/pan (depending on the audience and how much education I'm willing to do that day) has been being misidentified as a lesbian by people who don't know better (because they've only ever know my wife, and never met my previous [male] partner). I didn't expect it to bother me as much as it did, either. It's not internalized homophobia (for me), it's, you're getting much of my life wrong, please stop that.
posted by joycehealy at 1:37 PM on March 18, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by joycehealy at 1:37 PM on March 18, 2016 [5 favorites]
This is something that's been on my mind lately. I've identified as bi since college and came out to my parents and friends way back then, but I've lived a very heteronormative life as an adult. I feel uncomfortable with the thought of coming out now to people who don't know because I feel like I get so much straight person privilege that it seems like I would be trying to co-opt struggles that are much more immediate for others. I also can't overcome the idea that coming out as bi when I'm in a monogamous marriage is "talking about my sex life" and makes people uncomfortable. But I wonder if I am doing a disservice by contributing to bi-invisibilty.
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 1:43 PM on March 18, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 1:43 PM on March 18, 2016 [14 favorites]
On the hand, nowadays, all of my bisexual friends who are partnered are with partners of the opposite sex.
A lot of bisexual people are going to
end up with opposite sex partners - probably the majority. It's a numbers game: 90+% of people are straight, so you're simply more likely to meet a compatible partner of the opposite sex, unless you specifically date in the queer community.
And for those of us who haven't been welcome in the queer community - that's less likely to happen. I remember attending a coming out group in the mid-90s, and I wasn't queer enough for them.
Thing is: lots of people will id as bi because they are a) working out their sexuality, or b) using it as a "half-closet". But just because some use it as a step out or realize later that they are primarily / completely straight or gay -- this should say nothing about anyone else's reality.
The only people I've ever met who were sure of their own sexuality were Kinsey 6s, or Kinsey 1s. I've had friends who were gay-identified as teens, only to realize that they were actually bi later.
posted by jb at 1:43 PM on March 18, 2016 [8 favorites]
A lot of bisexual people are going to
end up with opposite sex partners - probably the majority. It's a numbers game: 90+% of people are straight, so you're simply more likely to meet a compatible partner of the opposite sex, unless you specifically date in the queer community.
And for those of us who haven't been welcome in the queer community - that's less likely to happen. I remember attending a coming out group in the mid-90s, and I wasn't queer enough for them.
Thing is: lots of people will id as bi because they are a) working out their sexuality, or b) using it as a "half-closet". But just because some use it as a step out or realize later that they are primarily / completely straight or gay -- this should say nothing about anyone else's reality.
The only people I've ever met who were sure of their own sexuality were Kinsey 6s, or Kinsey 1s. I've had friends who were gay-identified as teens, only to realize that they were actually bi later.
posted by jb at 1:43 PM on March 18, 2016 [8 favorites]
I'm bi and in a hetero-normative relationship. I'm not out because I can't figure out what I need to be out about -- sometimes I'm uncomfortable because of the assumptions people probably make about me. But I really don't feel the need to talk about old partners, and I don't have an opportunity to slip "oh by the way, I'm bi." into most conversations that wouldn't eventually lead to a conversation about how many same-sex partners and how many opposite-sex partners I've had (maybe not explicitly about that, but most of my past coming out conversations have ended up being about that indirectly in one form or another.)
posted by OrangeDisk at 2:44 PM on March 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by OrangeDisk at 2:44 PM on March 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
shoutout to all my non-passing bisexuals marginalized in the queer community, the straight community, gay and lesbian communities, and the bi community ♥
posted by sea change at 3:17 PM on March 18, 2016 [20 favorites]
posted by sea change at 3:17 PM on March 18, 2016 [20 favorites]
I had a really long comment all written up about my own experience as a bisexual/pansexual person (and how that experience started on MetaFilter two years ago) but Chrome ate it. So instead I'm just gonna say thank you to the OP for making this post because it introduced me to the BRC and my heart feels lighter for having read this part of their mission statement:
Inclusivity: The BRC uses bisexual as an umbrella term for people who recognize and honor their potential for sexual and emotional attraction to more than one gender (pansexual, fluid, omnisexual, queer, and all other free-identifiers). We celebrate and affirm the diversity of identity and expression regardless of labels.posted by Hermione Granger at 3:59 PM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
I've been bisexual all my life, even before I came out as transgender, but the conditions under which I seek relationships with men hardly ever arise, but holy cow when they do, look out. It was a source of much confusion pre-transition. Actually it still is, as it doesn't seem in anyway related to my gender presentation despite what some would have you think. I am still unable to define the characteristics that get me going for the (now) opposite sex. I wish I'd had the courage or access to a community that would have supported and encouraged me to act on the many crushes I found my younger self having. In the absence of that I clung to my (then) heteronormativity like a life raft.
posted by abigailKim at 4:07 PM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by abigailKim at 4:07 PM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
I wish I understood the vitriol that gay and lesbians throw at bisexuals.
I'll go out on a limb and hypothesize. Consider the 1948 Kinsey scale. The mainstream at one end (conditioned by cultural bias) is unable to grapple with the attraction at the other end and persecutes. The other end, conditioned by that persecution, has trouble grappling with the idea behind Kinsey's statement that "Males do not represent two discrete populations".
I think there's some accuracy in the idea that Bi's are attracted to personalities more than to gender perceptions.
Accepting the spectrum of preferences is not just a problem of reality tunnel. Some people have made a lot of sacrifices to be true to themselves to the best of their ability. Perhaps they're troubled by what they view as compromise.
I'm guessing that as time goes by, there will be more recognition of the center. It's all been so muddled for so long by laws and torches.
posted by Twang at 5:39 PM on March 18, 2016
I'll go out on a limb and hypothesize. Consider the 1948 Kinsey scale. The mainstream at one end (conditioned by cultural bias) is unable to grapple with the attraction at the other end and persecutes. The other end, conditioned by that persecution, has trouble grappling with the idea behind Kinsey's statement that "Males do not represent two discrete populations".
I think there's some accuracy in the idea that Bi's are attracted to personalities more than to gender perceptions.
Accepting the spectrum of preferences is not just a problem of reality tunnel. Some people have made a lot of sacrifices to be true to themselves to the best of their ability. Perhaps they're troubled by what they view as compromise.
I'm guessing that as time goes by, there will be more recognition of the center. It's all been so muddled for so long by laws and torches.
posted by Twang at 5:39 PM on March 18, 2016
All the men I knew in the 80s who identified as bisexual later identified as gay.
For the longest time, the problem was this: sexual preferences are complicated. Accurately identifying yourself is a matter of considerable experience.
Furthermore, what you firmly conclude one day may change as the result of further experience. It's not an overnight thing. Depending on where you live, what you yourself are like, and the quality of your environment, that experience can be hard to come by, for many reasons. AND people change. Life's complex that way.
posted by Twang at 5:59 PM on March 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
For the longest time, the problem was this: sexual preferences are complicated. Accurately identifying yourself is a matter of considerable experience.
Furthermore, what you firmly conclude one day may change as the result of further experience. It's not an overnight thing. Depending on where you live, what you yourself are like, and the quality of your environment, that experience can be hard to come by, for many reasons. AND people change. Life's complex that way.
posted by Twang at 5:59 PM on March 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
I've been identifying as straight my whole life in public, and 90% of the time that's in line with what my brain says. I'm a survivor of same gender sexual assault. I've had same gender sex and very brief same gender relationships. I'm out to a degree as bisexual to my close family and friends. I have extreme anxiety and heavy drinking issues. I have infrequent bouts of body dysmorphia. I'm gonna go read the article now. I don't know how to deal with any of this stuff and this is the first time I've encountered something that seems like it's related to my struggle. Don't know what else to say but thanks for the post.
posted by lazaruslong at 9:16 PM on March 18, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by lazaruslong at 9:16 PM on March 18, 2016 [5 favorites]
Related: I'm queer no matter who I'm with. I won't define myself differently for your comfort.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 6:37 AM on March 21, 2016
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 6:37 AM on March 21, 2016
« Older "He’s not a normal gator. He has never been a... | And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you yo-yo... Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
I understand it, as in I comprehend his words and feelings.. but I don't really get it, or see it from his side. Relationships shouldn't be built on the idea that I'm just settling for him while for the next best relationship candidate.
I spent the better part of last year figuring out I was Bi and going about telling my friends and family. At some point my boyfriend paused and asked if that meant I wanted to leave him to pursue women. Sigh.
posted by INFJ at 8:58 AM on March 18, 2016 [16 favorites]