Love in the Time of COVID
October 9, 2020 8:46 AM Subscribe
Covid Times means figuring out new rules for dating. A short listicle from Time Out NY shows some of the ways dating has changed (and gotten weirder) in adjusting to the 'Rona.
Look, when public health officials are giving out guidelines that include advice like: Use barriers, like walls (e.g., glory holes), that allow for sexual contact but prevent close face-to-face contact, I'm not sure we need top 10 articles on how much dating has changed.
posted by nubs at 9:01 AM on October 9, 2020 [23 favorites]
posted by nubs at 9:01 AM on October 9, 2020 [23 favorites]
There's a swinger's club in Mississauga that's throwing a party this weekend. I'd think it was a joke, but the truth is white upper-middle class suburbanites are among the stupidest people on the planet.
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:02 AM on October 9, 2020 [12 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:02 AM on October 9, 2020 [12 favorites]
There's a swinger's club in Mississauga that's throwing a party this weekend. I'd think it was a joke, but the truth is white upper-middle class suburbanites are among the stupidest people on the planet.
I grew up in Mississauga. It's a giant parking lot where every spot comes with a house.
posted by srboisvert at 9:10 AM on October 9, 2020 [14 favorites]
I grew up in Mississauga. It's a giant parking lot where every spot comes with a house.
posted by srboisvert at 9:10 AM on October 9, 2020 [14 favorites]
Pandemic dating led to meeting the coolest most awesome woman I've met in a long long time, since after a shitty relationship/breakup. So, I give it a thumbs up. Lots of very fearful and paranoid people out there but my take: if you're gonna move to a certain level with someone you should get tested regardless.. so, in addition to STD test now you get a brain poke. Whatever. Calculated risks are risks we take with reason and intelligence and testing. And not as much casual sex/making out.
posted by Chickenring at 9:53 AM on October 9, 2020 [14 favorites]
posted by Chickenring at 9:53 AM on October 9, 2020 [14 favorites]
Just this week I decided to give up on dating entirely. I’ve had a number of lovely outdoorsy first dates since things shut down and could not under any circumstances imagine getting closer, a significant departure from pre covid Times.
What I figured out in the past few days is that physical ease together is one of the non negotiable dynamics for me when I date someone. Are we warm and relaxed together, does being physically in contact with him feel reassuring, does he respond that same way. And that possibility is totally gone now. There is simply no way I will feel comfortable or reassured by physical closeness, even with testing.
I do not do LDRs, I have no interest in Zoom dates or online intrigues, because in person companionship and physicality and great sex are so important to me... but not enough to put myself or my kids at risk. So I give up, for the foreseeable forever. I am howlingly lonely and this makes me so sad.
posted by Sublimity at 9:59 AM on October 9, 2020 [20 favorites]
What I figured out in the past few days is that physical ease together is one of the non negotiable dynamics for me when I date someone. Are we warm and relaxed together, does being physically in contact with him feel reassuring, does he respond that same way. And that possibility is totally gone now. There is simply no way I will feel comfortable or reassured by physical closeness, even with testing.
I do not do LDRs, I have no interest in Zoom dates or online intrigues, because in person companionship and physicality and great sex are so important to me... but not enough to put myself or my kids at risk. So I give up, for the foreseeable forever. I am howlingly lonely and this makes me so sad.
posted by Sublimity at 9:59 AM on October 9, 2020 [20 favorites]
Ghosting also got a whole lot more cruel...
posted by lextex at 10:05 AM on October 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by lextex at 10:05 AM on October 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
I tried some dating in August in hopes it'd relieve later solitude but that didn't work out. I'm finished for the time being. I'm planning on just having some crushes on people I can never be with and enjoying my rich inner life, so to speak.
posted by wellred at 10:13 AM on October 9, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by wellred at 10:13 AM on October 9, 2020 [8 favorites]
I broke down and reactivated my OKC account a couple months ago and promptly met and hit it off with exactly one guy, which has been going been going better than anything has gone in years. Of course, now I can't help but play a constant mental game of, "Do I genuinely like this person or am I just starved for human contact after 6 months of isolation??". Not to mention how regular non-casual relationship things like "being a couple" in public, meeting each other's friends, etc are no longer really a thing, for obvious reasons. Strange times.
posted by btfreek at 10:18 AM on October 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by btfreek at 10:18 AM on October 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
I had been doing okay with COVID-era dating - do a Zoom or phone call a couple of times, go for some walks or park distance-dinner dates, see how things develop - and then protests started, and the political situation just keeps getting worse. I put my profiles on pause for now, because I'm finding it extremely difficult to be easy/casual/optimistic about life as we ramp up to the US election. COVID feels like the most manageable thing right now, which is just weird. I did make a cool new friend out of it, though, so not a wash!
posted by curious nu at 10:27 AM on October 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by curious nu at 10:27 AM on October 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
My ex broke up with me the same week the shutdowns happened...so, yeah. I figured I'd be single forever.
But a couple months later, I was lonely and bored and downloaded Tinder. I had LOTS of late night, deep text-conversations with guys who I never planned to meet and who never planned to meet me. That was actually nice, it was awesome to talk to new people.
Well, obviously a few of those conversations were especially nice, or the guys that I was talking to were especially nice. So then I went out on a few first dates (outdoors, blah blah).
Three of those men were very cool, and I was happy to keep talking and dating them. The dates were old-fashioned and outdoors, we were trying to be careful.
Then one of those guys...our connection was special. We decided to be indoors together, which felt like a huge step! Slept together. I fell pretty hard. I told the other guys that they were great, but I couldn't see them anymore.
Well, the one guy, the one I really liked and felt a special connection with...he's meeting my parents tomorrow.
To be honest, I've liked the slow pace and humanity of dating in pandemic times.
posted by rue72 at 10:29 AM on October 9, 2020 [52 favorites]
But a couple months later, I was lonely and bored and downloaded Tinder. I had LOTS of late night, deep text-conversations with guys who I never planned to meet and who never planned to meet me. That was actually nice, it was awesome to talk to new people.
Well, obviously a few of those conversations were especially nice, or the guys that I was talking to were especially nice. So then I went out on a few first dates (outdoors, blah blah).
Three of those men were very cool, and I was happy to keep talking and dating them. The dates were old-fashioned and outdoors, we were trying to be careful.
Then one of those guys...our connection was special. We decided to be indoors together, which felt like a huge step! Slept together. I fell pretty hard. I told the other guys that they were great, but I couldn't see them anymore.
Well, the one guy, the one I really liked and felt a special connection with...he's meeting my parents tomorrow.
To be honest, I've liked the slow pace and humanity of dating in pandemic times.
posted by rue72 at 10:29 AM on October 9, 2020 [52 favorites]
I'm reminded of that 1980s T.C. Boyle short story where the Boyle surrogate copes with his increasingly fastidious girlfriend, which goes from
"There was no exchange of body fluids on the first date”
to
"It's a condom," she said, tears starting up in her eyes, "my doctor got them for me they're ... they're Swedish." Her face wrinkled up and she began to cry. "It's a condom," she sobbed, crying so hard the kimono fell open and I could see the outline of the thing against the swell of her nipples, "a full-body condom."
He complies, and gets dumped anyway. IIRC, no precaution could offset her horror over his high-contact shoe-salesman gig.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:31 AM on October 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
"There was no exchange of body fluids on the first date”
to
"It's a condom," she said, tears starting up in her eyes, "my doctor got them for me they're ... they're Swedish." Her face wrinkled up and she began to cry. "It's a condom," she sobbed, crying so hard the kimono fell open and I could see the outline of the thing against the swell of her nipples, "a full-body condom."
He complies, and gets dumped anyway. IIRC, no precaution could offset her horror over his high-contact shoe-salesman gig.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:31 AM on October 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
whoever coughs most has to pay for the meal
posted by Heywood Mogroot III at 10:39 AM on October 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Heywood Mogroot III at 10:39 AM on October 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
The thing is, when the effects of the infection are sometimes death, sometimes long-lasting impairment that isn't well understood and dating involves trusting someone you've never met and don't know all that well even after many dates (are they cautious in general or putting on a good game for this date)... it's not so simple as "make conscious decisions" or "just don't date" or "play-acting covid terror". But hey, good luck out there and stay safe.
posted by kokaku at 10:39 AM on October 9, 2020 [11 favorites]
posted by kokaku at 10:39 AM on October 9, 2020 [11 favorites]
Agree kokaku. Lying liars lie; solitude is damaging. We do what we can/must.
posted by wellred at 10:41 AM on October 9, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by wellred at 10:41 AM on October 9, 2020 [7 favorites]
Mod note: One deleted. Don't troll here, and please just skip takes that are based around "people looking to be offended", "people pretending to be worried about covid" etc; all of that makes a crap basis for a discussion.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 11:03 AM on October 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 11:03 AM on October 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
I became an adult right around the time people really embraced online dating, so the weirdest thing I've noticed about COVID times is that I've been hit on every other week in person by total strangers for the last six months. It hasn't been welcome -- I've been experiencing truly incredible levels of misanthropy, and literally could not imagine passing on my genes at this point -- but it hasn't been creepy, either. People are just bored, lonely, and horny. So I would argue dating has become at least a little more like how expected when I was in middle school.
posted by grandiloquiet at 11:18 AM on October 9, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by grandiloquiet at 11:18 AM on October 9, 2020 [8 favorites]
The biggest difference I noticed in pandemic dating (during the reopening phase in NYC) is that people were thirsty. I tend to get a pretty healthy response on dating apps but it noticeably ramped up when I started dating again mid-summer. Every man I went out with, even those who had expressed a lot of anxiety around pandemic precautions, proposed that we make out on the first date. I think that those of us who happened to find ourselves single this spring and spent those months in total isolation have been eager to connect now that the odds feel a little safer. And with all the anxiety about a second wave this fall, people are trying to date while they can and perhaps find someone to keep us company through this long Covid winter. Which (fingers crossed!) I think I've done.
I deeply understand those for whom the risk of dating is just too high. But I also have compassion, and self-compassion, for those of us who've endured truly heart-wrenching loneliness through this terrifying time and would really like to not endure any more.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 11:22 AM on October 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
I deeply understand those for whom the risk of dating is just too high. But I also have compassion, and self-compassion, for those of us who've endured truly heart-wrenching loneliness through this terrifying time and would really like to not endure any more.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 11:22 AM on October 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
I’m glad folks are making good connections. Everybody’s calculus is different. I am sure mine would be different if I didn’t live with my teenaged kids. With them I am not totally isolated, and I enjoy their companionship (though of course it’s not at all like a date/lover/partner would be).
I also feel additional weight of responsibility to provide as much stability and normality for them during these weird, disruptive times. If covid knocks me for a loop or worse, it destabilizes their world, and likely would mean them feeling responsible for taking care of me to some degree, adding to their burden. There’s no way a new romantic prospect can override that Mama Bear responsibility. I can still feel sad and lonely even if it’s the right choice.
posted by Sublimity at 11:50 AM on October 9, 2020 [9 favorites]
I also feel additional weight of responsibility to provide as much stability and normality for them during these weird, disruptive times. If covid knocks me for a loop or worse, it destabilizes their world, and likely would mean them feeling responsible for taking care of me to some degree, adding to their burden. There’s no way a new romantic prospect can override that Mama Bear responsibility. I can still feel sad and lonely even if it’s the right choice.
posted by Sublimity at 11:50 AM on October 9, 2020 [9 favorites]
Any physical contact is a big deal and one-night stands are basically off the table.
Another way to read this: if you hug/kiss, or even take your masks off, you may as well go the rest of the way. Hang for a sheep as for a lamb, and all that.
posted by acb at 1:29 PM on October 9, 2020 [14 favorites]
Another way to read this: if you hug/kiss, or even take your masks off, you may as well go the rest of the way. Hang for a sheep as for a lamb, and all that.
posted by acb at 1:29 PM on October 9, 2020 [14 favorites]
one-night stands are basically off the table.
Nobody should be standing on tables anyway! That's just bad manners, pandemic or not.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:22 PM on October 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
Nobody should be standing on tables anyway! That's just bad manners, pandemic or not.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:22 PM on October 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
if you hug/kiss, or even take your masks off, you may as well go the rest of the way.
I think this was discovered in the seminal 1972 paper titled, "If you have your shirt off, might as well take the bra off? Efficacy on gradual disrobing in a school parking lot environment."
posted by geoff. at 2:28 PM on October 9, 2020 [15 favorites]
I think this was discovered in the seminal 1972 paper titled, "If you have your shirt off, might as well take the bra off? Efficacy on gradual disrobing in a school parking lot environment."
posted by geoff. at 2:28 PM on October 9, 2020 [15 favorites]
I just saw a covid risk calculator linked in another thread. Supposedly in my area a one-night stand with a random person would give you a 0.2% chance of catching covid. If you shorten that from all-night to just an hour together, the risk drops by an order of magnitude.
So, clearly there is risk involved, but that is still going to be within a lot of people's comfort levels (just like someone might forego condoms, say).
posted by Dip Flash at 3:33 PM on October 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
So, clearly there is risk involved, but that is still going to be within a lot of people's comfort levels (just like someone might forego condoms, say).
posted by Dip Flash at 3:33 PM on October 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
So, glory holes are OK then?
posted by acb at 3:47 PM on October 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by acb at 3:47 PM on October 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
Guys didn’t want to date me before, and they don’t want to date me now. Nothing has changed.
posted by Melismata at 4:03 PM on October 9, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by Melismata at 4:03 PM on October 9, 2020 [8 favorites]
Before this, I lived through years of long-distance relationships on terrible Skype connections. We sacrificed everything we could and failed.
You'd think I'd be built for this, but I totally burned out of them before the pandemic. I do not have the heart to try again, unlike other souls navigating them for the first time. Everything that was fun about an online relationship requires a certain suspension of disbelief that I cannot bring up after having seen enough.
I have suspended dating entirely because America has totally failed to contain this pandemic. Anyone willing to meet up in person isn't someone I want in my life, and I just can't do more screen relationships again.
I'm only getting older as this drags on, and I can honestly believe that years may pass even if the current President is removed. Vaccines are hardly guaranteed, and no President can solve the American cultural problems that prevent us from stopping death.
It was a good run while it lasted -- I have many fond memories of the dating era of my life, even if it ends with a whimper instead of a bang. But dreams adapt to war.
Plus, I'm at the age where potential dating partners are too cautious for sexting. Don't even have that anymore.
posted by Hollywood Upstairs Medical College at 4:37 PM on October 9, 2020 [7 favorites]
You'd think I'd be built for this, but I totally burned out of them before the pandemic. I do not have the heart to try again, unlike other souls navigating them for the first time. Everything that was fun about an online relationship requires a certain suspension of disbelief that I cannot bring up after having seen enough.
I have suspended dating entirely because America has totally failed to contain this pandemic. Anyone willing to meet up in person isn't someone I want in my life, and I just can't do more screen relationships again.
I'm only getting older as this drags on, and I can honestly believe that years may pass even if the current President is removed. Vaccines are hardly guaranteed, and no President can solve the American cultural problems that prevent us from stopping death.
It was a good run while it lasted -- I have many fond memories of the dating era of my life, even if it ends with a whimper instead of a bang. But dreams adapt to war.
Plus, I'm at the age where potential dating partners are too cautious for sexting. Don't even have that anymore.
posted by Hollywood Upstairs Medical College at 4:37 PM on October 9, 2020 [7 favorites]
You can't be out late because all the bars and restaurants close by 11.
I love reading articles that are written by and for city people! Around here there is one bar and I think it's open until 10 on the weekends? And low density inside but they did take-out cocktails for a while. And the outdoors were where all my great dates already happened. I'm in an LDR so... the big thing that has changed is a longer frequency between when we see each other and, for the meantime (I am in a safe town, he is in a less-safe town and has a wild card adult kid who lives with him so... we're biding our time) every time we hold hands it's like in some Victorian novel... OH MY and the like. I am really happy we'd been together over 11 years before this all happened because, man it sucks. My heart goes out to people who are having to navigate this along with every other damned thing that has been harder to navigate.
posted by jessamyn at 4:43 PM on October 9, 2020 [7 favorites]
I love reading articles that are written by and for city people! Around here there is one bar and I think it's open until 10 on the weekends? And low density inside but they did take-out cocktails for a while. And the outdoors were where all my great dates already happened. I'm in an LDR so... the big thing that has changed is a longer frequency between when we see each other and, for the meantime (I am in a safe town, he is in a less-safe town and has a wild card adult kid who lives with him so... we're biding our time) every time we hold hands it's like in some Victorian novel... OH MY and the like. I am really happy we'd been together over 11 years before this all happened because, man it sucks. My heart goes out to people who are having to navigate this along with every other damned thing that has been harder to navigate.
posted by jessamyn at 4:43 PM on October 9, 2020 [7 favorites]
I keep being fascinated by this topic, in a horror show kind of way. Obviously am not even doing it myself* but I read every article on it like a rubbernecker and now I hear stuff out of my neighbor about how his is going. (He says it's not going great, but at least they see each other and do 3-4 hour long phone calls. That last one impresses me.) So here's the trends I'm noticing:
* As far as I can tell, the only way the dating can progress and last under current circumstances is if at some point the two of you give up on keeping safe and start getting physical. Perennial Zoom dates/distanced walks aren't cutting the mustard for lasting relationships, especially if you COULD meet up as opposed to LDR'ing already where that would be the standard as is. I'm still wondering about someone on AskMe from months ago on this topic, sigh.
* Pandemic dating is forcing the commitment, safe sex, safety issue conversation to go on a lot faster. Like, within an in person date or two faster.
* If you want to build the relationship, you probably need to start living together or at least being with each other frequently. No idea how they are working it out safely though. It sounds like my neighbor and his girlfriend are just at home all the time anyway.
At least some people are making it work if they do those three things, though I suppose we'll see what happens if things ever "get back to normal." I am rooting for y'all.
if you're gonna move to a certain level with someone you should get tested regardless.. so, in addition to STD test now you get a brain poke.
I present to you this. "We went to take a COVID test together as one of our dates. I must say it was pretty romantic."
Ghosting also got a whole lot more cruel...
Yeah, that was another fun AskMe, the guy who faked like he had gotten it to get out of the relationship.
* well, I would with the right person, but...y'know, pandemic and other shit. Though I admit that even I @#@%@ caved and saw my crush in person last weekend and we hugged twice and were not very socially distant otherwise, while indoors at his work for 45 minutes. Masked, at least. I know it's bad and risking my life since he works retail. But I am doing badly, he had a bad thing happen to him this year, and it got to the point where I was actually willing to risk my life to check on how he was doing....and I'm gonna go back in another week. Sigh, but there it is.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:50 PM on October 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
* As far as I can tell, the only way the dating can progress and last under current circumstances is if at some point the two of you give up on keeping safe and start getting physical. Perennial Zoom dates/distanced walks aren't cutting the mustard for lasting relationships, especially if you COULD meet up as opposed to LDR'ing already where that would be the standard as is. I'm still wondering about someone on AskMe from months ago on this topic, sigh.
* Pandemic dating is forcing the commitment, safe sex, safety issue conversation to go on a lot faster. Like, within an in person date or two faster.
* If you want to build the relationship, you probably need to start living together or at least being with each other frequently. No idea how they are working it out safely though. It sounds like my neighbor and his girlfriend are just at home all the time anyway.
At least some people are making it work if they do those three things, though I suppose we'll see what happens if things ever "get back to normal." I am rooting for y'all.
if you're gonna move to a certain level with someone you should get tested regardless.. so, in addition to STD test now you get a brain poke.
I present to you this. "We went to take a COVID test together as one of our dates. I must say it was pretty romantic."
Ghosting also got a whole lot more cruel...
Yeah, that was another fun AskMe, the guy who faked like he had gotten it to get out of the relationship.
* well, I would with the right person, but...y'know, pandemic and other shit. Though I admit that even I @#@%@ caved and saw my crush in person last weekend and we hugged twice and were not very socially distant otherwise, while indoors at his work for 45 minutes. Masked, at least. I know it's bad and risking my life since he works retail. But I am doing badly, he had a bad thing happen to him this year, and it got to the point where I was actually willing to risk my life to check on how he was doing....and I'm gonna go back in another week. Sigh, but there it is.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:50 PM on October 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
"* As far as I can tell, the only way the dating can progress and last under current circumstances is if at some point the two of you give up on keeping safe and start getting physical. Perennial Zoom dates/distanced walks aren't cutting the mustard for lasting relationships..."
This is what I'm finding. Endless chatting is fine for some, but relationships need to go forward. What is this chatting leading to? Are we heading towards (effectively) a LDR, or are we going to make it into something real? It's that split in the road which is proving to be a failure point.
For the chatters, this is a golden age. Cover Times is (I'm finding) enabling many people who are not entirely ready for dating to go on further in the process, as things are kept nicely abstract -- when it gets real, it's over. For those who are looking for something more than chatting (like me, who simply will not do any more relationships without intimacy), it's only frustration. It's a bigger jump to take things to the physical, and do you want to make that investment? does your partner?
"The biggest difference I noticed in pandemic dating (during the reopening phase in NYC) is that people were thirsty."
This is very definitely true in my case. Self-isolation was a lousy and lonely time, and I would really like not to do have to do that again.
It's weird. The 'audition' phase is definitely longer, but as the article mentions, other parts like the exclusivity talk have been much advanced. Everyone's natural pace is totally disrupted.
posted by Capt. Renault at 5:11 PM on October 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
This is what I'm finding. Endless chatting is fine for some, but relationships need to go forward. What is this chatting leading to? Are we heading towards (effectively) a LDR, or are we going to make it into something real? It's that split in the road which is proving to be a failure point.
For the chatters, this is a golden age. Cover Times is (I'm finding) enabling many people who are not entirely ready for dating to go on further in the process, as things are kept nicely abstract -- when it gets real, it's over. For those who are looking for something more than chatting (like me, who simply will not do any more relationships without intimacy), it's only frustration. It's a bigger jump to take things to the physical, and do you want to make that investment? does your partner?
"The biggest difference I noticed in pandemic dating (during the reopening phase in NYC) is that people were thirsty."
This is very definitely true in my case. Self-isolation was a lousy and lonely time, and I would really like not to do have to do that again.
It's weird. The 'audition' phase is definitely longer, but as the article mentions, other parts like the exclusivity talk have been much advanced. Everyone's natural pace is totally disrupted.
posted by Capt. Renault at 5:11 PM on October 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
NYC's guidance was last updated in June, and entry #4 (Take care during sex) is a textual Cyclone ride:
• Kissing can easily pass the virus. Avoid kissing anyone who is not part of your small circle of close contacts.
• Rimming (mouth on anus) might spread the virus. Virus in feces may enter your mouth and could lead to infection.
• Wear a face covering or mask. Maybe it’s your thing, maybe it’s not, but during COVID-19 wearing a face covering that covers your nose and mouth is a good way to add a layer of protection during sex. Heavy breathing and panting can spread the virus further, and if you or your partner have COVID-19 and don’t know it, a mask can help stop that spread.
• Make it a little kinky. Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact.
• Masturbate together. Use physical distance and face coverings to reduce the risk.
• Condoms and dental dams can reduce contact with saliva, semen or feces during oral or anal sex. Visit nyc.gov/condoms to find out how to get free safer sex products.
• Washing up before and after sex is more important than ever.
tl;dr: avoid kissing, make it a little kinky, glory holes -- now more than ever
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:15 PM on October 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
• Kissing can easily pass the virus. Avoid kissing anyone who is not part of your small circle of close contacts.
• Rimming (mouth on anus) might spread the virus. Virus in feces may enter your mouth and could lead to infection.
• Wear a face covering or mask. Maybe it’s your thing, maybe it’s not, but during COVID-19 wearing a face covering that covers your nose and mouth is a good way to add a layer of protection during sex. Heavy breathing and panting can spread the virus further, and if you or your partner have COVID-19 and don’t know it, a mask can help stop that spread.
• Make it a little kinky. Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact.
• Masturbate together. Use physical distance and face coverings to reduce the risk.
• Condoms and dental dams can reduce contact with saliva, semen or feces during oral or anal sex. Visit nyc.gov/condoms to find out how to get free safer sex products.
• Washing up before and after sex is more important than ever.
tl;dr: avoid kissing, make it a little kinky, glory holes -- now more than ever
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:15 PM on October 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
I Love NY
posted by Chickenring at 5:21 PM on October 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Chickenring at 5:21 PM on October 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
I do, too, but my apologies for not previewing.
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:25 PM on October 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:25 PM on October 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
In 1979 (6th grade), before AIDS had been officially announced, my class of male students (the girls had their own, GHU-knows-what official proclamations) was informed that there was an unknown, highly contagious STD that would result in death if we strayed from the official "sex-death" propaganda. I'm not saying they were wrong, just that it was a horrendous load of horrific information to dump on a bunch of semi-adolescent pre-teens at the time. The very next summer they mandated (0k, it was semi-optional if your parents really objected) attendance of a "dance basics" summer class, including all the various slow-dances; 2, 4, and other standard dance-beat dances (think foxtrot, waltz, etc), and the general concept that dancing!=anything more than a properly chaperoned media-mediated outing with school-classmates, with anything more risque resulting in both official and social sequestration.
That my own church continued its adolescence-aged 24-hour dance marathon every year (the youths had to get people to pledge a certain $/hr for donations to the associated good causes to participate) was only normalized due to the general ignorance of the chaperone-age adults. I remember during my more relatively advanced years (1984-85) participating in the annual dance marathon being asked by donators about the risks, which I had been indoctrinated to respond that there was adequate chaperonage and (even though our own church had been burned down) an appropriate facility (a neighboring Catholic church with an available chapel(we were Methodist)) being selected to make sure that all the participants were suitably kept from, shall we say, any possible temptation. Considering at least one girl my own age ended up in a disastrous marriage to an Ivy-Lease-accreted Assistant Youth Pastor (he liked to dress up as a Christian Mime-Clown, and down liters of consecrated wine (remember, Methodist)), I can't say it was overall a success.
posted by Blackanvil at 5:38 PM on October 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
That my own church continued its adolescence-aged 24-hour dance marathon every year (the youths had to get people to pledge a certain $/hr for donations to the associated good causes to participate) was only normalized due to the general ignorance of the chaperone-age adults. I remember during my more relatively advanced years (1984-85) participating in the annual dance marathon being asked by donators about the risks, which I had been indoctrinated to respond that there was adequate chaperonage and (even though our own church had been burned down) an appropriate facility (a neighboring Catholic church with an available chapel(we were Methodist)) being selected to make sure that all the participants were suitably kept from, shall we say, any possible temptation. Considering at least one girl my own age ended up in a disastrous marriage to an Ivy-Lease-accreted Assistant Youth Pastor (he liked to dress up as a Christian Mime-Clown, and down liters of consecrated wine (remember, Methodist)), I can't say it was overall a success.
posted by Blackanvil at 5:38 PM on October 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
Rimming (mouth on anus)
Well, I'm glad they at least clarified that. Although, I am a little dismayed to learn by implication that the full taxonomic tree of rimming has been thus far opaque to me.
posted by mrgoat at 6:11 PM on October 9, 2020
Well, I'm glad they at least clarified that. Although, I am a little dismayed to learn by implication that the full taxonomic tree of rimming has been thus far opaque to me.
posted by mrgoat at 6:11 PM on October 9, 2020
tl;dr: avoid kissing, make it a little kinky, glory holes -- now more than ever
Also, gay male anonymous hookup street cruising behavior since the late 70s.
posted by hippybear at 6:41 PM on October 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
Also, gay male anonymous hookup street cruising behavior since the late 70s.
posted by hippybear at 6:41 PM on October 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
MetaFilter: virus in feces may enter your mouth.
posted by Wordshore at 2:25 AM on October 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Wordshore at 2:25 AM on October 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
Bad Wordshore!
Hey, you're actually the brains behind cakefarts.com, aren't you!?"
posted by loquacious at 9:08 AM on October 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
Hey, you're actually the brains behind cakefarts.com, aren't you!?"
posted by loquacious at 9:08 AM on October 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
Thanks for the post. I have been super lonely, especially since I moved to the middle of Sweden to be closer to the grandchildren, who are adorable but not exactly dating material. I put Tinder on hold because I was catnip to younger men there but I am not a cougar. The women in Stockholm before the move were not interested in me, nor are they obligated to be. Apparently the concept of poly was scary, never mind kinky. I may try again later at some point.
A guy who’s 20 years younger than I am, currently a firefighter and a former amateur boxer, keeps trying to get into my pants without a condom. He’s 46 going on 16 and somehow thinks that I should be flattered that he wants to fuck me because I’m old and thin. No dude, no part of that is particularly flattering. It’s just the reality.
Honestly, I might fuck the guy (using a condom) if I didn’t have to worry about Covid and protect myself as well as my pregnant kid and my best friend, who is a part of my bubble and who had cancer last year. Body hunger is a real thing. Touch is healing. Sex can be healing. Sex with an idiot who wants to bareback me after I told him I have herpes? Nothing healing about that.
That’s the single worst thing for me about trying to date in Sweden. I am apparently the only person in this nation who is single, attempting to date, and willing to be honest about my sexual health. This enrages me but it’s off-topic so I will try to calm down and wait for the banana bread to finish baking so I can eat my frustration. At least the banana bread will be delicious.
Best of luck to folks who have found romance during these times. That is awesome, and I am thrilled for you!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:09 AM on October 10, 2020 [4 favorites]
A guy who’s 20 years younger than I am, currently a firefighter and a former amateur boxer, keeps trying to get into my pants without a condom. He’s 46 going on 16 and somehow thinks that I should be flattered that he wants to fuck me because I’m old and thin. No dude, no part of that is particularly flattering. It’s just the reality.
Honestly, I might fuck the guy (using a condom) if I didn’t have to worry about Covid and protect myself as well as my pregnant kid and my best friend, who is a part of my bubble and who had cancer last year. Body hunger is a real thing. Touch is healing. Sex can be healing. Sex with an idiot who wants to bareback me after I told him I have herpes? Nothing healing about that.
That’s the single worst thing for me about trying to date in Sweden. I am apparently the only person in this nation who is single, attempting to date, and willing to be honest about my sexual health. This enrages me but it’s off-topic so I will try to calm down and wait for the banana bread to finish baking so I can eat my frustration. At least the banana bread will be delicious.
Best of luck to folks who have found romance during these times. That is awesome, and I am thrilled for you!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:09 AM on October 10, 2020 [4 favorites]
Progress to a full in-person relationship is certainly possible in these times, if two people are ready for 14 days self-quarantine and simple testing, and then prudent "shared bubble" living thereafter. It requires a slow pace and mature self-discipline, both of which are lovely premises for a good relationship, in my own experience. Gettin' a quick, easy roll in the hay, on the other hand... (sigh)
posted by PhineasGage at 6:40 PM on October 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by PhineasGage at 6:40 PM on October 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
14 days of quarantine and a 'shared bubble' is the responsible thing to do, but, just as barrier protection methods should be used during oral and anal sex but often aren't, people are getting jumping into sexual relationships with all sorts of levels of precaution.
What that's really not helped is anyone that has to live with roommates. Take the regular level of annoyance of living with roommates - dishes, toilet cleanliness, and then turn that up to 11 because now your roommates' annoying habits could quite literally be life-threatening. (Over two thirds of Americans are overweight or obese, and that's known to be a risk factor for complications from COVID-19, though the science is still out on exactly how much of a risk.)
People are getting into relationships right now (some healthy, others... not), but with bars/clubs being closed and the availability of the Internet, there are people who are throwing caution to the wind and hooking up. For those that are trying to keep things casual but safe, I wonder if a fallout from all this will be an uptick in the number of people with gas mask fetishes, or if everyone abandons masks as soon as the clothes are off.
Naked except for socks and mask is quite the look.
posted by fragmede at 12:34 AM on October 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
What that's really not helped is anyone that has to live with roommates. Take the regular level of annoyance of living with roommates - dishes, toilet cleanliness, and then turn that up to 11 because now your roommates' annoying habits could quite literally be life-threatening. (Over two thirds of Americans are overweight or obese, and that's known to be a risk factor for complications from COVID-19, though the science is still out on exactly how much of a risk.)
People are getting into relationships right now (some healthy, others... not), but with bars/clubs being closed and the availability of the Internet, there are people who are throwing caution to the wind and hooking up. For those that are trying to keep things casual but safe, I wonder if a fallout from all this will be an uptick in the number of people with gas mask fetishes, or if everyone abandons masks as soon as the clothes are off.
Naked except for socks and mask is quite the look.
posted by fragmede at 12:34 AM on October 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
fragmede, is that "quite the look" based on your personal experience? Asking for a friend.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:44 PM on October 12, 2020
posted by Bella Donna at 2:44 PM on October 12, 2020
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posted by geoff. at 8:51 AM on October 9, 2020 [4 favorites]