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June 16, 2005 6:57 AM Subscribe
"He was young and handsome, his mother's hope". Yes, the scourge of Onanism has long plagued our young people, causing them no end of misery, woe, and high ISP fees.
One champion of choice, our good friend Mark Twain, delivered a stirring lecture to the Stomach Club in Paris, 1879, to defend our right to love ourselves. Bless his crusty old heart.
One champion of choice, our good friend Mark Twain, delivered a stirring lecture to the Stomach Club in Paris, 1879, to defend our right to love ourselves. Bless his crusty old heart.
Man, what gives? I'm well over 17, I should definitely be dead by now.
posted by wakko at 7:12 AM on June 16, 2005
posted by wakko at 7:12 AM on June 16, 2005
Michelangelo and all of the other old masters--"old masters," I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction --- have used similar language.
Brilliant.
posted by interrupt at 7:20 AM on June 16, 2005
Brilliant.
posted by interrupt at 7:20 AM on June 16, 2005
The panelists all agreed that the government should fund health campaigns to educate the public about the dangers of pornography. The campaign should combat the messages of pornography by putting signs on buses saying sex with children is not OK, said Layden.
By the time I got to this gem, I was beginning to suspect that Layden has some issues of her own which might have led her to work in her chosen field.
posted by biffa at 7:28 AM on June 16, 2005
By the time I got to this gem, I was beginning to suspect that Layden has some issues of her own which might have led her to work in her chosen field.
posted by biffa at 7:28 AM on June 16, 2005
Sen. Sam Brownback (R-Kansas), the subcommittee's chairman, called the hearing the most disturbing one he'd ever seen in the Senate. Brownback said porn was ubiquitous now, compared to when he was growing up and "some guy would sneak a magazine in somewhere and show some of us, but you had to find him at the right time." (From the Wired Article)
"We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are lit so badly!" - Woody Allen
posted by justkevin at 7:44 AM on June 16, 2005
"We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are lit so badly!" - Woody Allen
posted by justkevin at 7:44 AM on June 16, 2005
Hmm. So the 19th century argument against masturbation is that it will give you TB, while the 21st century argument is that it's bad because it involves naughty thoughts. I will suffice with a quote from Annie Hall:
Hey, don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.
posted by graymouser at 7:45 AM on June 16, 2005
Hey, don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.
posted by graymouser at 7:45 AM on June 16, 2005
Yeah, but today's youth is so disillusioned they rarely love themselves.
posted by uncle harold at 7:51 AM on June 16, 2005
posted by uncle harold at 7:51 AM on June 16, 2005
I don't masturbate. What's it like?
posted by horsewithnoname at 7:58 AM on June 16, 2005
posted by horsewithnoname at 7:58 AM on June 16, 2005
I don't masturbate. What's it like?
You can't beat it? You can't beat it.
posted by Decani at 8:10 AM on June 16, 2005
You can't beat it? You can't beat it.
posted by Decani at 8:10 AM on June 16, 2005
From the "woe" link, in regard to getting over your addiction to masterbation via porn:
2. Flee from and reject anything that aggravates this sin. For example, you may need to get off the Internet for a season
The Internet has seasons? Are their teams? Is there a trade deadline? Is there an Internet World Series or Super Bowl? Why have people been hiding this from me?
posted by papercake at 9:43 AM on June 16, 2005
2. Flee from and reject anything that aggravates this sin. For example, you may need to get off the Internet for a season
The Internet has seasons? Are their teams? Is there a trade deadline? Is there an Internet World Series or Super Bowl? Why have people been hiding this from me?
posted by papercake at 9:43 AM on June 16, 2005
I just have to say - Mark Twain is really underappreciated. Sure, people like Huck, and the Jumping Frog. But he tends to get bundled up with the Americana and the Pastoralists, kinda like a crotchety Thomas Kincade of Letters. Which is pretty sad, because I think he's one of the best thinkers we've had in America. "The man who corrupted Hadleyberg" changed the way I think about a lot of things, and some of his thoughts on Colonialism and "Progress" could have come from any modern university department. Except they would be less funny and have a lot more words like "reification" and "hermeneutic".
posted by freebird at 10:22 AM on June 16, 2005
posted by freebird at 10:22 AM on June 16, 2005
Odd how it has always been somewhat subversive. Diogenes of Sinope (the ancient Greek philosopher) masterbated in public and demanded others do so, since they all did after all and to deny it was hypocracy.
There seems to be this psychic tension missing, a sort of zeal lacking from those who guiltlessly love themselves, for political rallies, church attendance, patriotism, and all other sorts of events in which minding your own business is definately not a prerequisite.
It would seem the leader types demand all of this psychic energy be directed at them and attempt to lay guilt on those that seek to ease that tension, find some release other than obsession with one's social self.
( For example: Plato saw Diogenese washing lettuces, came up to him and said, "Had you paid court to Dionysius you wouldn't now be washing lettuces." Diogenes with equal calmness answered, "If you had washed lettuces, you wouldn't have paid court to Dionysius." )
One of the things that, to me, speaks volumes of this sort of link in psychic energy is between Diogenes (also called "cynic") and Aristotle's student Alexander (also called "the Great") who I understand did quite well in the military and political field.
The differences between them are clear, but I think most telling of this link is the fact that they died on exactly the same day in 323 B.C.
In ancient Greece life expectancy at birth was about 20. By the time the Declaration of Independence was signed, life expectancy was 23; the median age was 16. As recently as 1900, most Americans died by age 47. In 1870, only 2.5% of all Americans made it to age 65.
Alexander of course had conquered the world, living high on the hog and catered to, so on that day in 323 B.C. he died at 33.
Diogenes was 90.
Just something to think about. (and get the hell out of my sun)
posted by Smedleyman at 10:52 AM on June 16, 2005
There seems to be this psychic tension missing, a sort of zeal lacking from those who guiltlessly love themselves, for political rallies, church attendance, patriotism, and all other sorts of events in which minding your own business is definately not a prerequisite.
It would seem the leader types demand all of this psychic energy be directed at them and attempt to lay guilt on those that seek to ease that tension, find some release other than obsession with one's social self.
( For example: Plato saw Diogenese washing lettuces, came up to him and said, "Had you paid court to Dionysius you wouldn't now be washing lettuces." Diogenes with equal calmness answered, "If you had washed lettuces, you wouldn't have paid court to Dionysius." )
One of the things that, to me, speaks volumes of this sort of link in psychic energy is between Diogenes (also called "cynic") and Aristotle's student Alexander (also called "the Great") who I understand did quite well in the military and political field.
The differences between them are clear, but I think most telling of this link is the fact that they died on exactly the same day in 323 B.C.
In ancient Greece life expectancy at birth was about 20. By the time the Declaration of Independence was signed, life expectancy was 23; the median age was 16. As recently as 1900, most Americans died by age 47. In 1870, only 2.5% of all Americans made it to age 65.
Alexander of course had conquered the world, living high on the hog and catered to, so on that day in 323 B.C. he died at 33.
Diogenes was 90.
Just something to think about. (and get the hell out of my sun)
posted by Smedleyman at 10:52 AM on June 16, 2005
The Mormons have some great tips on how to break oneself of this heinous practice.
posted by pterodactyler at 10:57 AM on June 16, 2005
posted by pterodactyler at 10:57 AM on June 16, 2005
It's a wonderful addiction. I saw a heroin addict on TV recently refer to getting a "fix" as getting "straightened out".
Straightened out. Perfect.
posted by surplus at 11:08 AM on June 16, 2005
Straightened out. Perfect.
posted by surplus at 11:08 AM on June 16, 2005
Those life expectancy numbers appear to be crap to me. I'd like to see numbers for life expectancy at age 5 or somesuch.
posted by Heywood Mogroot at 1:01 PM on June 16, 2005
posted by Heywood Mogroot at 1:01 PM on June 16, 2005
I just have to say - Mark Twain is really underappreciated.
Agreed. His anti-imperialist stuff is especially forgotten.
Taming the Bicycle. I'm sure it's been posted b4.
posted by mrgrimm at 2:20 PM on June 16, 2005
Agreed. His anti-imperialist stuff is especially forgotten.
Taming the Bicycle. I'm sure it's been posted b4.
posted by mrgrimm at 2:20 PM on June 16, 2005
I read this years ago excerpted in Harper's. The only line that stuck with me - "let him with a free hand cast the first stone."
posted by vronsky at 3:23 PM on June 16, 2005
posted by vronsky at 3:23 PM on June 16, 2005
Blah, you call this taboo?
Visit my old undergrad anthropology class and have a chat about consensual incest. Then try hitting one of your classmates up for a date. Really puts em in the mood.
posted by dreamsign at 5:14 PM on June 16, 2005
Visit my old undergrad anthropology class and have a chat about consensual incest. Then try hitting one of your classmates up for a date. Really puts em in the mood.
posted by dreamsign at 5:14 PM on June 16, 2005
Double post, wanker. :D
posted by Pretty_Generic at 9:29 AM PST on June 16 [!]br>
Well, if I had to be in a circle double-post with anyone, I'm glad it's you, PG. :-D
posted by DeepFriedTwinkies at 8:04 PM on June 16, 2005
posted by Pretty_Generic at 9:29 AM PST on June 16 [!]br>
Well, if I had to be in a circle double-post with anyone, I'm glad it's you, PG. :-D
posted by DeepFriedTwinkies at 8:04 PM on June 16, 2005
Call me dense (or Twain's essay badly-written) , but how are we certain he's defending the practice and not jestingly condemning it?
posted by shivohum at 9:48 PM on June 16, 2005
posted by shivohum at 9:48 PM on June 16, 2005
I would go so far as to say that Twain is the father of all American fiction (I think Hemingway said as much). Every American writer owes a debt to him. And I agree with freebird--though I think Huck Finn's an amazing book, if you're looking for a summer read, grab yourself a collected works edition if you haven't already. Twain proves that a story can be hilarious, pleasurable and fun without losing an ounce of import; it is because of his brilliance (and not inspite of it) that he omits pretension.
posted by Lady Penelope at 8:53 AM on June 17, 2005
posted by Lady Penelope at 8:53 AM on June 17, 2005
I think I need a few minutes to myself. I'll be back.
posted by orange swan at 8:59 AM on June 17, 2005
posted by orange swan at 8:59 AM on June 17, 2005
Long live Onanism!
posted by orange swan at 9:10 AM on June 17, 2005
posted by orange swan at 9:10 AM on June 17, 2005
Psh!
Unlike the rest of you, I *am* a master of my domain.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:39 AM on June 17, 2005
Unlike the rest of you, I *am* a master of my domain.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:39 AM on June 17, 2005
Got 'em from Census Bureau data & actuarials Heywood Mogroot . It's more anecdotal, as is the Diogenes' history & stories.
I was forced - FORCED! to masterbate recently into a cup. My wife and I are fixin' to get pregnant, see?
So I go to the urologist to take the test. They give me a cup and tell me my choices are the doctor's office bathroom or the public one in the hall. I'm a bit of a show off, but c'mon. So I go into the doctors office bathroom to masterbate. The doctors office toilet is as erotic a place as you can imagine. I was thinking there would be magazines, some moist towelettes, gel, something. Nope. Just the emergency cord, those rails so old folks and rollers can stabilize themselves, etc. And since it's a urologist's office, it smells just great. And there are no surfaces. No where to put the cup. And nowhere to sit - since there is no lid on the toilet. The horses looking out from the wallpaper was a nice touch too. So I have to get on the floor to do this, right? The sink is out of the question - too slippery. I'm not going to sit on the floor because I have to angle it somehow (my dick points to Polaris) so I hav to lay down.
So I do and of course it's everything I dreamed with my shins on a toilet base and my head up near a biohazard garbage can. Sexy!
So I'm thinking of the filthiest stuff I can think of, and I'm hearing kid's voices. Now, I'm not a pedophile, so I figure the voices are outside. As it turns out there is a Mexican family with a little kid who has to go. Apparently (whether communication failure or whatever) they don't know about the public toilet. Ok , well, I feel sorry for the kid doing the pee-pee dance, but I'm not about to walk out in front of these people with a huge hard on it took me 15 minutes to get in the first place and I don't want to try to get again on a sterile tile floor. So I'm blocking out the noise and the "Papa! Tengo que pee-pee!" etc. And my leg gets caught in the emergency cord. This, for some reason, flashes a light, but there is no siren or anything, and being that I have no "reading material" I have my eyes closed and don't notice. So the nurse tries to come in, so I'm saying "I'm ok!" - Now bear in mind I'm on the floor. So she isn't buying that and tries to push open the door, which is digging me in the back and - not sure how to put this - I'm close....
So ok, I think she finally realized what I was doing and closed the door. But I mean what the hell? It's a urologist's office. She should know better. So I come out with maybe 1/100th of a normal "sample," and my nuts are bright blue anyway and I'm a little... frustrated....and I'd probably knock out Tyson in his prime at this point. The kid's father, about 87 lbs 5'2" gives me the stink eye, one of the nurses behind this partition says 'what was he doing in there so long....ohhh' like I can't get it up or something so I slap the plastic sample bottle on the desk, which would have slopped it all over the place, had it been anywhere near full or even more than 'moist' and I walk out.
Anyway, the Doctor calls me later and says my sperm is really primo. Really, REALLY primo, apparently. High motility, dense, etc. etc. The guy can't stop gushing (no pun intended) about my sperm.
"Everything we look for in a donor" he says. And I've got no response to that so I don't say anything. So there's this uncomfortable (for me) silence as this man has literally had my balls in his hand.
But anyway, I'm virile, and I guess they could tell that with even a tremendously small sample....so I guess that's good news for us.
But man, if women knew half of what we go through....
posted by Smedleyman at 12:37 PM on June 17, 2005
I was forced - FORCED! to masterbate recently into a cup. My wife and I are fixin' to get pregnant, see?
So I go to the urologist to take the test. They give me a cup and tell me my choices are the doctor's office bathroom or the public one in the hall. I'm a bit of a show off, but c'mon. So I go into the doctors office bathroom to masterbate. The doctors office toilet is as erotic a place as you can imagine. I was thinking there would be magazines, some moist towelettes, gel, something. Nope. Just the emergency cord, those rails so old folks and rollers can stabilize themselves, etc. And since it's a urologist's office, it smells just great. And there are no surfaces. No where to put the cup. And nowhere to sit - since there is no lid on the toilet. The horses looking out from the wallpaper was a nice touch too. So I have to get on the floor to do this, right? The sink is out of the question - too slippery. I'm not going to sit on the floor because I have to angle it somehow (my dick points to Polaris) so I hav to lay down.
So I do and of course it's everything I dreamed with my shins on a toilet base and my head up near a biohazard garbage can. Sexy!
So I'm thinking of the filthiest stuff I can think of, and I'm hearing kid's voices. Now, I'm not a pedophile, so I figure the voices are outside. As it turns out there is a Mexican family with a little kid who has to go. Apparently (whether communication failure or whatever) they don't know about the public toilet. Ok , well, I feel sorry for the kid doing the pee-pee dance, but I'm not about to walk out in front of these people with a huge hard on it took me 15 minutes to get in the first place and I don't want to try to get again on a sterile tile floor. So I'm blocking out the noise and the "Papa! Tengo que pee-pee!" etc. And my leg gets caught in the emergency cord. This, for some reason, flashes a light, but there is no siren or anything, and being that I have no "reading material" I have my eyes closed and don't notice. So the nurse tries to come in, so I'm saying "I'm ok!" - Now bear in mind I'm on the floor. So she isn't buying that and tries to push open the door, which is digging me in the back and - not sure how to put this - I'm close....
So ok, I think she finally realized what I was doing and closed the door. But I mean what the hell? It's a urologist's office. She should know better. So I come out with maybe 1/100th of a normal "sample," and my nuts are bright blue anyway and I'm a little... frustrated....and I'd probably knock out Tyson in his prime at this point. The kid's father, about 87 lbs 5'2" gives me the stink eye, one of the nurses behind this partition says 'what was he doing in there so long....ohhh' like I can't get it up or something so I slap the plastic sample bottle on the desk, which would have slopped it all over the place, had it been anywhere near full or even more than 'moist' and I walk out.
Anyway, the Doctor calls me later and says my sperm is really primo. Really, REALLY primo, apparently. High motility, dense, etc. etc. The guy can't stop gushing (no pun intended) about my sperm.
"Everything we look for in a donor" he says. And I've got no response to that so I don't say anything. So there's this uncomfortable (for me) silence as this man has literally had my balls in his hand.
But anyway, I'm virile, and I guess they could tell that with even a tremendously small sample....so I guess that's good news for us.
But man, if women knew half of what we go through....
posted by Smedleyman at 12:37 PM on June 17, 2005
Smedleyman: hilarious tale, but they were fucking with you. When I had to give samples post-snip they were happy to let me do it at home so long as I got the goo to the clinic within a couple of hours. So I was able to pleasure myself in comfort and with full access to the normal accoutrements, attachments and appliances. Deep joy.
posted by Decani at 7:23 PM on June 17, 2005
posted by Decani at 7:23 PM on June 17, 2005
Although now I think about it... I guess it's different when they want to see how lively the sperm are rather than whether there are any at all. Well, it's something for you to look forward to for when you get the snip.
posted by Decani at 7:30 PM on June 17, 2005
posted by Decani at 7:30 PM on June 17, 2005
As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no money in it.
If Twain had lived long enough to see Chaotic, he'd have some heavy editing to do.
It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence.
Heavy, heavy editing.
posted by melissa may at 8:05 PM on June 17, 2005
If Twain had lived long enough to see Chaotic, he'd have some heavy editing to do.
It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence.
Heavy, heavy editing.
posted by melissa may at 8:05 PM on June 17, 2005
but they were fucking with you.
Indeed they were. The Doc said he prefer I do it there because of the travel time, etc. I suspect for the reasons you mentioned.
I suppose had I thought rationally about it perhaps I could have convinced them to let me do it at home.
It's just that, (as a heterosexual), when another (heterosexual) man has ahold of your testicles, his perspective becomes oddly compelling and a willingness to do nearly anything he says washes over you. The honorific "Sir" nearly leaps from your tongue, typically accompanied by "Yes."
Snip? What's this snip business? There's more?
*hound dog going to the vet eyes*
posted by Smedleyman at 10:01 PM on June 20, 2005
Indeed they were. The Doc said he prefer I do it there because of the travel time, etc. I suspect for the reasons you mentioned.
I suppose had I thought rationally about it perhaps I could have convinced them to let me do it at home.
It's just that, (as a heterosexual), when another (heterosexual) man has ahold of your testicles, his perspective becomes oddly compelling and a willingness to do nearly anything he says washes over you. The honorific "Sir" nearly leaps from your tongue, typically accompanied by "Yes."
Snip? What's this snip business? There's more?
*hound dog going to the vet eyes*
posted by Smedleyman at 10:01 PM on June 20, 2005
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posted by jonmc at 6:59 AM on June 16, 2005