What do you tell people you do for a living?

December 16, 2019 8:17 PM

@LindaColumbus, of Columbus Labs, says:

The dreaded party killer.
Them: what do you do?
Me: can we skip this part.
Them: really, what do you do?
Me: *sigh* I’m a chemistry professor
Them: oh *awkward silence*

Why do I always tell the truth? I need to make something up. What do you all do/say?
posted by Johnny Wallflower (172 comments total)

I drive spreadsheets.


No one ever reacts to that and the conversation moves on to other things.
posted by Doohickie at 8:20 PM on December 16, 2019 [10 favorites]

It seems like the party killer is actually the people at the party who are so completely uninquisitive (and thus uninteresting) that they can't make conversation with a chemistry professor.
posted by jonathanhughes at 8:22 PM on December 16, 2019 [137 favorites]

When I say I'm an editor, sometimes people hear "auditor", and then the room clears out.

Auditors must be lonely people.
posted by orange swan at 8:27 PM on December 16, 2019 [30 favorites]

Chemist here. Basically people say "Oh, that was really hard" (if they're making an effort to be polite) or "I hated it." So yeah.

Switched to "chemist in the pharma industry" in recent years which is more descriptive but leads to different awkward follow ups.
posted by mark k at 8:29 PM on December 16, 2019 [7 favorites]

This question, when I get it, still makes me twitch a little bit, even though I have a perfectly good answer and can hold an interesting conversation about it if I need to. What makes it unpleasant is how difficult it was to answer while I was unemployed, and how much it says about our society that adults grasp at jobs to establish a meaningful identity, and conversely, how shaming it is for people who don't have a profession or job to fall back on, but feel the need for one. In fact, the hours I spend working for money are the least important part of anything I do with my life, and realising that I am not my job was a psychological breakthrough, not to be underestimated, that I hope many other people can make. I personally don't ask this question, and have come to notice when other people avoid it, too.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 8:32 PM on December 16, 2019 [76 favorites]

"Really? What's the most interesting/boring/stressful part of a job like that?"

Is that so hard? I always find out fun stuff.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:32 PM on December 16, 2019 [19 favorites]

Corporate Assassin
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:34 PM on December 16, 2019 [9 favorites]

Back when it applied I used to be straight-upfront saying I was long-term unemployed but not claiming any benefits. That's a conversation killer and a half, since it pegs you as a leech, a crim or worse a difficult conversation in most people's eyes. I don't ask new-to-me people this question or if I slip up I kick myself bloody hard and retract it fast.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 8:36 PM on December 16, 2019 [10 favorites]

Corporate Assassin

Ooh, you kill corporations?
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:39 PM on December 16, 2019 [26 favorites]

It seems like the party killer is actually the people at the party who are so completely uninquisitive (and thus uninteresting) that they can't make conversation with a chemistry professor.

Right? I don't think of myself as being a particular gifted conversationalist (actually, I hate making small talk), but I can't imagine just dropping a thread like that without any follow-up. Even just a simple, "Oh, yeah, how do you like it?" Come on, that's conversation 101 stuff.
posted by tobascodagama at 8:49 PM on December 16, 2019 [11 favorites]

I’m a woman in Utah. Outside of employer-sponsored training sessions, people seldom ask what I do. Occasionally they ask if I work.

I go out of my way to mention that I’m an accountant. Think of it as a boredom offensive. You think you’re not interested? I got your uninterested right here, pal. You don’t know the meaning of dull until you’ve seen my SUMIFs.

When I moonlit in improv comedy, everyone persistently thought I “did stand up,” so I guess that was something.

I recently went to a wedding. A few other couples we know were there. No one asked about my recently-finished Master’s degree, but one woman was eager to encourage my husband about his eventual re-attempt at college algebra. Her only words to me all night were to ask me to bring back a drink when she saw me headed toward the bar.
posted by armeowda at 8:57 PM on December 16, 2019 [26 favorites]

My friend whose mother is a (left wing) senator occasionally gets dragged out to perform the role of dutiful daughter at fancy government or diplomatic parties. She is actually a professor, but she really enjoys telling everyone she's a plumber and watching them walk the line of kind of embarrassed/shocked but trying to pretend they don't think blue collar work is beneath their class and/or women shouldn't be in the trades etc.

Her mother used to beg her not to do it, but now finds it a useful piece of information to know how people react.
posted by lollusc at 9:02 PM on December 16, 2019 [96 favorites]

This makes me think of Paul Ford's essay on How to be Polite:

Here’s a polite person’s trick, one that has never failed me. I will share it with you because I like and respect you, and it is clear to me that you’ll know how to apply it wisely: When you are at a party and are thrust into conversation with someone, see how long you can hold off before talking about what they do for a living. And when that painful lull arrives, be the master of it. I have come to revel in that agonizing first pause, because I know that I can push a conversation through. Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.”

I don't do exactly that, but I do often say that sounds interesting. Because it almost always is. I also try to phrase it less as "what do you do for money" and more "what do you do" because most people do something interesting (or hard) with their time, whether or not they get paid for it.
posted by feckless at 9:03 PM on December 16, 2019 [10 favorites]

Me: can we skip this part.
Them: really, what do you do?
Me: *sigh* I’m a chemistry professor
Them: oh *awkward silence*

yeah when you writhe and sigh and faux-refuse to answer but then do a quick-switch to finally admit that you have a perfectly normal profession, it does leave other people at a bit of a loss for how to follow such an anticlimax. maybe leave the oh-don't-ask-me-this bit to the hit men and the secret agents.

the other thing is that when someone asks what you do, you're not supposed to say I'm an X and wait expectantly until your interlocutor fails you. the conventional response is I'm an X, how about you? the silence is awkward for sure, but it's not them who forgot their lines.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:06 PM on December 16, 2019 [65 favorites]

I stay home with the kids, yet, ‘stay-at-home-mom’ leads to the most cringeworthy comments on how worthy my lifestyle is (um, thanks?) and the assumption that I love talking about my kids and nothing else, and ‘being a mom is the most important job there is!’ - jesus, no.

When I say housewife, the conversations are more interesting because people are often shocked into silence by a presumably liberal, educated woman saying such a thing. I follow up with slyly questioning the linguistics of counting only employed work as ‘work’ along the lines of alienable productivity and sneaking in some comments about the contradictory economics of social reproduction.

Yeah right about now you wish you were talking to the chemistry prof!
posted by The Toad at 9:07 PM on December 16, 2019 [31 favorites]

"What is your favorite element, and why?"
posted by Soliloquy at 9:10 PM on December 16, 2019 [14 favorites]

I'm horrified that "what do you do" is still an appropriate question to ask someone you just met at a party. The answer could be "I have no job" or "I show people my boobs on the internet" or "I'm a rapacious capitalist who harms everyone under my control :)" and all of these could make a person feel like an outsider.

There are many people I know who had to learn FIRST THING UPON MEETING ME RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY PLEASE approximately how much money I make, by demanding details about my career. It's gross as fuck.

gross. as. fuck.

In case I wasn't clear, the career question is gross.
posted by Sterros at 9:10 PM on December 16, 2019 [20 favorites]

I can always tell if there's long term friend potential when my husband and I meet people within about 3 minutes.

It goes like this, "What do you do?" Response: "Political compliance for campaigns. Basically I tell people what money they can accept and how they can spend it." They quickly look to my husband, searching for some common ground. "What do you do?" they ask. His response "I'm a scientist."

Either they stick around and chat or they politely find someone else quickly. It turns out our professions are the perfect filtering tool.
posted by fyrebelley at 9:11 PM on December 16, 2019 [8 favorites]

My primary enterprise in life is art, which I can only do by working in factories or warehouses, bcause all my schooling and training was in art and I took whatever job i could to pay bills. .

So, I say I paint and draw and I work in factories and warehouses.

And, I would love to talk to a chemistry professor.
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 9:12 PM on December 16, 2019 [13 favorites]

“I’m studying to be a clinical psychologist.” Everyone gets uncomfortable, most people have the tact not to go with the tired ‘are you psychoanalyzing me’ but you can tell they’re thinking it. Listen, I don’t want to do my job for free any more than you do. I’m barely even capable of paying attention to my own emotions and social skills in that moment, I have no idea what the fuck yours are doing and I don’t want to know. Please. I’m so tired.

One time I did have a teenager respond with, “Oh, you’re going to make a great therapist. You remind me of my therapist, and she changed my life!” So that was sweet.
posted by brook horse at 9:16 PM on December 16, 2019 [22 favorites]

In case I wasn't clear, the career question is gross.

Move out here. People use quaint icebreakers like What are your reproductive plans and How much money did you spend on that and Are you a natural redhead and Do you belong to the dominant faith and Why won’t you eat that, are you on a diet I’m just asking because laydeez always seem to be on a diet

I mean, probably the men sometimes get asked what they do.

I once read somewhere that “what do you do for fun?” was a better question, and for normal people I bet it is... But, for reasons I can’t pinpoint, it strikes fear in my heart, and I’m glad it hasn’t come up.
posted by armeowda at 9:20 PM on December 16, 2019 [24 favorites]

I always say, "very little."
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 9:36 PM on December 16, 2019 [10 favorites]

How is this such a problem? I tell people what I do, ask them what they do and conversation moves on. Of course, I work in show biz, not a cube farm with neckbearded men with oral hygiene problems.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:39 PM on December 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

"Stay-at-home Chihuahua parent" used to shut folks up nicely.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 9:42 PM on December 16, 2019 [7 favorites]

I never ask people what they do for a living unless the subject comes up naturally. I tend towards more open-ended questions like “what do you do in your free time?” or “what have you been up to lately?” Better to ask people about the things they’re passionate about, rather than what they have to do to pay rent and afford nutrition. Armeowda, I apologize in advance if I ever meet you at a party, though I promise I don’t judge anyone’s answer.

When someone asks me what I do, I don’t just give them a bare-bones description and leave it to them to continue, I tell them and add some context and a fun-ish anecdote so they have something more to which to react. As said above, Conversation 101.

I’m an introvert who is good at making conversation at parties, and the key is: Just invite people to talk about themselves. Everyone likes to talk about themselves, and it keeps them from trying to make you talk about yourself.

"What is your favorite element, and why?"

GALLIUM 4 LYFE
posted by ejs at 9:47 PM on December 16, 2019 [9 favorites]

A more interesting framing would be "what sort of question would you like a total stranger to ask as an icebreaker?"
posted by 99_ at 9:48 PM on December 16, 2019 [14 favorites]

May I share with y'all my trick for this sort of conversation. It's a little counterintuitive but bear with me.

I don't ask this question at all! Don't do it! If they care about their profession, it will come up anyway, and in the way that they're comfortable bringing it up!

I ask "So what do you do for fun?" Most everyone loves talking about that, or prefers it to shop talk. Or if that feels like it will be too vague and open, or strike fear into the heart (h/t armeowda) then I ask:

"So what brings you here (tonight, to this bar, to the party)?" Usually that becomes an invitation to talk about the person or connection that they have to the event you're both at. There is some reason they're here right now.

Worst case scenario, they don't have a reason or there's really no good reason, but then you can laugh about that because we've all been there.

Really the worst case scenario is that they don't want to be here but they are anyway because of reasons and you can find that out (or get a hint of it) right away.
posted by panhopticon at 9:59 PM on December 16, 2019 [6 favorites]

In some advice column I read recently, the response to "What do you do?" is "About what?"
posted by ShooBoo at 10:03 PM on December 16, 2019 [39 favorites]

what do you do?

Once upon an unruly time my answer would be:

Drugs. And you?
...
So, uh, got any?
posted by aramaic at 10:12 PM on December 16, 2019 [13 favorites]

Oh ugh. My job used to be in the suicide prevention field, and now it focuses on gun violence prevention. It’s somewhere on the spectrum of downer to horribly triggering to talk about what I do. In some crowds I can say my job is promoting safe firearm storage, which leads everyone to tell me their thoughts and feelings about guns - actually often an interesting conversation, but not really party fare. My 5-year-old thinks my job is helping people make safe choices so they don’t get owies, but I skipped parent career week at preschool.
posted by centrifugal at 10:17 PM on December 16, 2019 [20 favorites]

I cleverly avoid this problem by not going to parties!

Actually I most often get asked what I do for a living by taxi/Lyft drivers making small talk. When I say "neuroscientist," I get an interesting range of reactions. Sometimes people say something like "Wow, you must be really smart!" which I don't really know how to respond to; I think I usually deflect with a joke. Sometimes the other person immediately moves on to another small-talk topic, which is fine. Sometimes people actually then ask about my research, which gives me a chance to try to give an off-the-cuff layperson summary of what I'm working on, which is actually really challenging but fun if the other person seems to get at least something from it. Sometimes people have questions inspired from science fiction, like "are we going to have mind control implants soon" or "do you think we're going to upload our brains to computers," which can be a fun jumping-off point to talk about the real science of these things. Sometimes people have stories about their own experiences with neurological injury in themselves or a loved one, which I always find really motivating to hear about as it helps remind me why I do what I do. Sometimes I have to explain to people that I'm not a medical doctor I don't know why they're having headaches.

In general I find that if I approach the question openly without assuming that people will be uninterested or intimidated by the fact that I'm a scientist, lots of people will have some kind of interesting follow-up that moves the conversation forward, and if I'm lucky a personal story for me to hear. There is also, as far as I can tell, no relationship between a person's apparent class markers and how they respond to my job. If anything people who appear to have less formal education are often more interested in asking something substantial as a follow-up, while white-collar types are more likely to respond with some kind of awkward silence.

One of the then-postdocs who mentored me through grad school looks about ten years younger than she is, and has a somewhat bubbly personality. When she would tell people she's a neuroscientist during small talk, she very frequently would get the response, "Nursing scientist?" I, a male who is now about the age she was then, have never had this response.
posted by biogeo at 10:19 PM on December 16, 2019 [11 favorites]

What is your favorite element, and why?

The element of surprise!

(And then throw a smoke bomb.)
posted by biogeo at 10:22 PM on December 16, 2019 [32 favorites]

Eedjit: And what do you want to be when you grow up?
Child: Reasonable, compassionate, thoughtful, generous...
Eedjit: No, no... I mean 'how will you sell your labour for money?'
posted by pompomtom at 10:36 PM on December 16, 2019 [16 favorites]

When she would tell people she's a neuroscientist during small talk, she very frequently would get the response, "Nursing scientist?"

Was she ever, even just once, tempted to respond, “Yes, but I’m almost fully weaned”?
posted by armeowda at 10:55 PM on December 16, 2019 [15 favorites]

I like to think that I'd get along fine with both the plumber and the neuroscientist (even if the plumber up-thread was faking it), but I will admit to struggling with the pediatric hospice doctor that was in the Twitter thread. Dying children does not make for easy party banter, and the nice doctor probably don't really care for my opinions that they are awesome and doing a really important job...
posted by Harald74 at 10:58 PM on December 16, 2019

What do you do?

November - March, I fly someplace warm, next to an ocean, and look after the pets of rich people. April - October, daily at noon, I post 3 vinyl records to my website and people text me to say they want them. Then they come to my home and buy them.

I'm currently in Paradise Cove, Vanuatu, looking after Coco the dog.
posted by dobbs at 11:01 PM on December 16, 2019 [23 favorites]

Boron. Question is boron.
posted by markbrendanawitzmissesus at 11:24 PM on December 16, 2019

There would probably be fewer awkward silences if she didn’t lead in with “can we skip this part?” and sighing, tbh. Say “I work for [university], you?” and then the people who are interested ask further questions and the people who aren’t still have something to say to carry on the conversation.

I really dislike “what do you do for fun?” but this may be because I’ve only ever been asked it at times when I had very limited time to do anything fun because I was working multiple jobs or I was at home with a baby. (“I... er... sometimes I listen to podcasts while putting things on shelves?”) But also it’s personal in a way that “give me the broad-level public-facing description of your job” is not. I’ve only just met you, we aren’t going to discuss what niche fanfiction genre I might enjoy reading. Go and talk to the people who think “what are you passionate about?” is a reasonable ice-breaker.
posted by Catseye at 11:31 PM on December 16, 2019 [19 favorites]

Jeez, that thread is painful. Icebreakers are pretty pointless if you’re just going to abandon the topic after you’ve broken the ice. ASK SOME FREAKING FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS. Conversations at parties are not meant to be an endless series of ice breakers till your drink needs a refresher.
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 11:51 PM on December 16, 2019 [7 favorites]

Corporate Assassin

Ooh, you kill corporations?
posted by Greg_Ace

I heard one time that Shell Oil has a "capital discipline" department, that decides whether or not to fund the next crazy doomsday device they want to build.

Ever since then, I have wanted to work in Capital Discipline.
posted by eustatic at 12:29 AM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

It s like a perfect mix of corporate blandspeak / Foucault novel / kink.
posted by eustatic at 12:31 AM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

> "What is your favorite element, and why?"

Magnesium, because it burns really hot.

Cf. question about the best explosion you've caused in the lab.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 1:12 AM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

I don't get asked often, but when I do, any answer I give is going to produce a slew of followup questions, always ending with "I didn't know you could make a living doing that."
posted by Miss Cellania at 2:29 AM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

Why are we talking about work at a party?
posted by betweenthebars at 2:40 AM on December 17, 2019

“Eedjit: And what do you want to be when you grow up?”

I had two responses to this as a child, depending on whether I wanted the conversation to continue or not. My father was a firefighter and EMT for several years, so people seemed to expect me to reply “a fireman!” Instead I’d say “an ichthyologist!” (Because I loved sharks.)

If I wanted to shorten the interaction I’d just say “taller.”
posted by jzb at 3:15 AM on December 17, 2019 [10 favorites]

My trick to avoid this sort of thing: don't make small talk with strangers. Just stand there silently until they get uncomfortable and wander off.
Works every time.
posted by signal at 3:24 AM on December 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

I pledge here and now that the next time someone asks me this I will answer: "Private Detective" and then I will fully commit to it.

Once many years ago I had to go to a family party (for an extended bit of family that i knew none of) and decided to tell everyone that I ran a small glass blowing workshop custom making blown glass artwork on commission.
I fully committed to this for the rest of the evening, despite knowing nothing about glass blowing (and this being pre-smartphone, a positive and a negative).
Several years later my parents tell me of a (presumably distant) supposed cousin they heard about fourth hand via various aunts etc. who ran a glass blowing workshop on the banks of the river lea and I should go look them up (given that I was living near the river lea at the time). It took me some time to realise that they were talking about me.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 3:37 AM on December 17, 2019 [21 favorites]

[Old person voice] When I was a mere slip of a thing, we were taught to make conversation and set others at ease.

Is it so hard to ask, "oh, where do you work" or "oh, what do you work on" even if you can't think of anything else? Honestly, is the art of conversation dead?

~~
Long ago, I was chatting with an activist friend who shared with me that they had switched over to doing sex work, and while I was happy that they were confident enough in me to share that information, I was unsure how to respond and did a little um-er, and my friend basically told me, "you can just ask 'how is it going', you know". All you really need to do to make conversation is ask questions kindly and at some point an actual exchange will spark.
posted by Frowner at 3:47 AM on December 17, 2019 [13 favorites]

I only have the vaguest idea of what most of my friends do for a living. And that's fine! I'm interested in all the other cool things about them.

Living in the DC area, this question is the worst because it is definitely people trying to size up if you're worth talking to (and chances are, the person asking is not). I know I've said this before, but when I was really hating my job, I used to just tell people "I don't talk about my job." And yes, it was partially aggressive on my part but I also just really did not want to talk about my job.

Now I'm a web developer, which usually gets a "cool" but then very little follow-up questions. I like that.
posted by darksong at 3:57 AM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

Another thing that works is having a book.
Then, you can read the book instead of talking to people.
A physical book works better, as with a kindle or such people might approach you to talk about the kindle itself. Not so much nowadays but still.
posted by signal at 4:19 AM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

I *hate hate hate* this question. Because I am on long-term disability and it *always* leads into a tedious and invasive discussion of my chronic conditions.

I generally answer 'textile artist' but that usually leads into the equally tedious conversation about why I'm not selling my work, why it couldn't possibly be profitable (there's a number of reasons for that) and why I shouldn't have to fling my hobby into the jaws of capitalism anyway.
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 4:29 AM on December 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

For the past ten years, I've said I'm a perfumery writer. Now I say I'm a grief counselor.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 4:41 AM on December 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

I am a telecom policy analyst for the CRTC in Canada, so I have the opposite problem. We regulate the telecommunications industry and anti-spam and do-not-call, among other things. So I often have to figure out how to answer the question without then spending the next half hour listening to someone tell me exactly what is wrong with how we do our jobs.
posted by jacquilynne at 4:42 AM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

Some of that Twitter thread, I can't help imagining their party chatter involves a lot of it's not exactly brain surgery.
posted by betweenthebars at 4:43 AM on December 17, 2019

I assume people who ask me this question are trying to size me up for a robbery or something (marriage?).
posted by some loser at 4:52 AM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

Most of the veterinarians and veterinary nurses I know have a fake backup profession that they tell strangers on airplanes or whatever to avoid being asked about their seatmate's cat's various rashes for the next three hours.
posted by Rock Steady at 4:56 AM on December 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

My family pays me to stay away.
posted by Naberius at 4:56 AM on December 17, 2019 [8 favorites]

The follow-on that I usually get when I say "stay-at-home mom" is "Oh, how many kids do you have/how old are they"? and people get kind of nonplussed when I say "One kid, seventeen years old" like that doesn't really count or something. (I could add a justification about why my 17-year-old needs a full-time caregiver but that's really none of their beeswax.) I can only imagine that reaction will get worse in the next few years so I'd better come up with a different answer.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:02 AM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

yeah when you writhe and sigh and faux-refuse to answer but then do a quick-switch to finally admit that you have a perfectly normal profession, it does leave other people at a bit of a loss for how to follow such an anticlimax. maybe leave the oh-don't-ask-me-this bit to the hit men and the secret agents.

While it's almost certainly being exaggerated for effect here, since this isn't an actual transcript of someone speaking at a party, this broad kind of thing is a learned response from many academics. It's learned from the way many people responded to how we answered with sincere enthusiasm when we were younger/newer.

I get that most people have jobs such that when you tell people what you do, they don't get weirdly aggressive okay-poindexter, and they don't get weirdly defensive about their own intelligence as if you needed to be smart to get a phd in anything, and they don't start pushing you to justify the existence of your discipline. I've had people do all of these. She's responding to a real thing, and it maybe doesn't merit dismissal as her just not leading her life very well.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 5:11 AM on December 17, 2019 [19 favorites]

Legitimate Businessman
posted by benoliver999 at 5:16 AM on December 17, 2019 [13 favorites]

I only ask if someone else asks me first. Then I kind of feel like, "And how about you?" is fair game. I suck at making small talk though, so don't take advice from me. (My answer leads to a lot of, "A what? What is that?" And then when I explain, most people still don't understand because unless you are a chemistry professor, the idea that there are people who look after the special software that makes universities go is not something most people have had a reason to consider.)

Anyway, my dad is a philosophy professor so I grew up around people with extremely niche academic specialties, it doesn't seem that weird to me. It just depends on what your context is.
posted by soren_lorensen at 5:24 AM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

I've been an academic working in renewable energy policy for a while and have noticed a change in what people say when they find out. I used to get asked things like, 'Won't putting lots of wind turbines up take loads of energy out of the atmosphere and slow the planet down/make it less windy?" etc. Or "Did you know wind turbines/solar panels use more energy when they are being made than they make?" But I hardly ever get that now.
posted by biffa at 5:42 AM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

Seconding GCU Sweet and Full of Grace. I'm a geography prof, and this seemingly innocuous question is something geographers joke about amongst ourselves and inwardly cringe from when asked at parties. In addition to the general issues academics face when answering this question, there are some geography specific reasons why this question gets problematic fast.

Because of the odd structure of geography education in primary and secondary schools in the US, most people who went to school in the US don't really understand what geography as an academic discipline is about unless they happened to take a university level geography class. So when we answer this question, we usually get "I sucked at/hated memorizing where things are on maps" or asked to name all of the state capitals or some other geography trivia question, and then we feel obliged to explain what geography is about. While we're generally an enthusiastic lot about geography, this later part is what we literally do for living, and isn't necessarily what we (or at least I) want to talk about at parties. In the scheme of things, it's a minor irritant, but a persistent one.
posted by mollweide at 5:43 AM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

because most people do something interesting (or hard) with their time, whether or not they get paid for it.
I work in DC, where this is emphatically not true.

I hate this unimagitive question with a passion.
posted by aspersioncast at 5:46 AM on December 17, 2019

When I lived in Washington, DC and was thirty and in graduate school, sometimes I would enter the world of status parties where "What do you do?" is weaponized.

I told people I milk porpoises. I would remind them that porpoises are mammals and then go into some bullshit about the life-giving antibodies found in porpoise milk. I told them I don't do dolphins.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:47 AM on December 17, 2019 [12 favorites]

I am invigilating exams this last couple of weeks at my alma mater. A few days ago, I was overseeing an astronomy exam in surely the most remote gymnasium on campus. The prof came by to answer questions and make any clarifications his students needed. He remarked in passing to me that the venue was an unusually long ways to travel.

When an astronomer tells you something is far away, you should listen.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:48 AM on December 17, 2019 [16 favorites]

I've started telling people either, "I'm a rocket scientist" or "I work at a non-profit." Both are technically true. If pressed, I'll say that I work on spacecraft guidance systems. I don't like elaborating on what kind of spacecraft because people don't like contemplating the implications.

I was just talking with a coworker about this very question, actually, and he was joking that he likes to tell people he's in logistics. Because just like UPS, we make sure our package gets to its destination on time.
posted by backseatpilot at 5:52 AM on December 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

Readout of an actual interaction in which I was involved a couple nights ago:

Q: So what do you do?
A: i work at the university
Q: Like a professor or something?
A: yeah
Q: What do you teach?
A: neuroscience
Q: Oh, I probably shouldn't be talking to you. Because of all the things I suspect are wrong with my brain, right? Like I'm crazy?
A: you ever killed anyone?
Q: ...no...
A: because I'd have to report you to the authorities if you killed someone, you know.
Q:...
A:...
Q: So nice talking to y-
A: yeah
posted by logicpunk at 5:57 AM on December 17, 2019 [8 favorites]

I'm a software engineer, which is apparently such a stupefyingly boring pastime that when I get the "what do you do?" question, that answer guarantees no follow up about 80% of the time. This is especially true of fellow travelers: the first rule of software development is, you don't talk about software development in social situations.

My real problem is when people feel compelled to follow up on the first question out of politeness. It's kinda complicated to explain exactly what it is I spend my days working on, so the conversation tends to go:

Them: Oh, you're a programmer? What kind of stuff are you working on?
Me: Well! The company I work for does digital solutions for... wait, no, lemme back up... so, traditionally, if you wanted to send big media files over the internet, you needed to... no, hold on, let me back up some more... how much do you know about the TCP protocol?
Them: *blank stare*
Me: I'm gonna need a couple of markers and a dry erase board.
Them: *visibly regretting every decision that has brought them to this point*
posted by Mayor West at 5:58 AM on December 17, 2019 [18 favorites]

I struggle with this a bit as I spent most of my career as a software engineer and while not the most interesting thing to people, i felt like a person that made things, which fit with my own self-image nicely enough. Now that I'm "engineering leadership" generously or "corporate middle management" cynically, I find myself instinctively saying "software engineer" still out of some kind of habit / avoidance of the word "manager"
posted by thedaniel at 5:59 AM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

The answer is easier now that I'm a manager. Before that, there was a whole rigamarole which would usually just boil down to "I work in IT."

HA HA YES YES COMPUTERS CERTAINLY ARE HARD I DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM EITHER
posted by jquinby at 5:59 AM on December 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

One of the then-postdocs who mentored me through grad school looks about ten years younger than she is, and has a somewhat bubbly personality. When she would tell people she's a neuroscientist during small talk, she very frequently would get the response, "Nursing scientist?"

My sister is a smart and accomplished woman in her forties who looks to be thirtyish. She also has the dubious good fortune to be a cute blonde woman. She is a professional pilot with a degree in astrophysics; when she tells idjits what she does, they assume she means stewardess. In school, when she was aimed at being an astronomer, people would ask her if she meant astrologer. When she modified her ambition to be a cosmologist, the sane idiots assume she was mispronouncing cosmetologist.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:05 AM on December 17, 2019 [17 favorites]

I'm pretty sure that the people that half of the people in this thread are trying to shut down, embarass, drive away or make uncomfortable in various clever ways are the other half of the people in this thread.
posted by Wolfdog at 6:06 AM on December 17, 2019 [23 favorites]

I'm pretty sure that the people that half of the people in this thread are trying to shut down, embarass, drive away or make uncomfortable in various clever ways are the other half of the people in this thread.

I'm sorry, what's YOUR goal when forced to make polite small talk? Make new friends? Dazzle with your wit and charm? Because I'm just trying to survive long enough to slink away to the snack table before I have an anxiety attack.
posted by Mayor West at 6:12 AM on December 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

I am also not crazy about the job interrogation and rarely bring it up myself when meeting new people. I left a job about fifteen years ago after a decade in the same place. The workplace was under a new regime and while I had coworkers I wanted to stay in touch with (and I have done so), most of the higher-ups I had no use for. When asked by these same higher-ups what my career plans now were, I delighted in telling everyone of the outer circle a different thing so they could sort out their confusion afterward. One believed I was embarking an a career as a skydiving instructor; another heard I was doing contract work delivering yachts to purchasers. A third believes I got a gig as a piano player in a bordello. Another thinks I went on to be an associate producer on a cable show about fly fishing.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:13 AM on December 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

My favorite is one I picked up here: "I could tell you, but then we'd both be bored."

I do admin support for attorneys, so it is both true and a useful dodge at status parties.
posted by Space Kitty at 6:28 AM on December 17, 2019 [9 favorites]

I love asking people what they do because... this is what they do all day long, so they probably have some strong opinions and crazy stories about it. And a whole body of knowledge I know nothing about.

I should probably pay more mind to people's status anxiety though, and I've definitely had periods where I could sympathize with the comments here to the effect of "ugh, why would I want to talk about work." Maybe "So, do you like talking about work?" is a good lead question? Does anyone think that's horrible?

Narrator: Someone thought it was horrible. It was the internet.
posted by ropeladder at 6:31 AM on December 17, 2019 [8 favorites]

I used to dread telling people I worked in IT to the point where I had a t-shirt that read "NO, I WILL NOT FIX YOUR COMPUTER". These days almost no one ever asks, though. I don't know if people have just gotten better at fixing their own computers or if I've developed resting don't-even-ask-me face.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:36 AM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

My favorite experience of this:

Person: "So, what do you do?"

Me: "Well, I just finished writing a book."

Person: "Oh, what is it about?"

Me: "It's a romance novel."

Person: *walks away*
posted by Orlop at 6:43 AM on December 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

“Eedjit: And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Kids today: Able to breathe the air and drink the water.
posted by xedrik at 6:44 AM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

I like telling people what I do because it excites me (I work with college students who are placed in inner-city public schools for a one-day-a-week teaching practicum), and people are interested in it too until they figure out it means I'm a "professor" whereupon I feel I have a moral obligation to explain that I can afford to do it because I'm on Social Security already and my house is paid up, otherwise I'd be living in my car. Yes, I realize I should just shut up.

Mostly I don't ask people what they do because so many people are embarrassed about their job status. I ask what they're up to these days.
posted by Peach at 6:52 AM on December 17, 2019

: " She is a professional pilot with a degree in astrophysics; when she tells idjits what she does, they assume she means stewardess. In school, when she was aimed at being an astronomer, people would ask her if she meant astrologer. When she modified her ambition to be a cosmologist, the sane idiots assume she was mispronouncing cosmetologist."

My wife has a PhD in Philosophy & Aesthetics. People have been known to ask her if she works at a beauty salon.
posted by signal at 6:54 AM on December 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

The few times I feel like making small talk, it's:

- if I'm not feeling to friendly: Webdev. Yes, people nowadays use social networks more than actual websites. Yes, my business has changed because of this.
- if I'm in a better mood: Teach a design workshop at a university. It's mostly methodology, not really specialized in any craft. Yes, it's nice that you wanted to be a designer.
- if I'm in a super good mood: Part of a team that won a government grant to develop an online capacity estimation system for municipalities in Chile. Yes, it is complicated but cool, thanks.
posted by signal at 7:00 AM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

It's phatic discourse and people don't actually care what you do. There's no need to be so defensive about it.
posted by thelonius at 7:02 AM on December 17, 2019 [10 favorites]

Me: "It's a romance novel."
Person: *walks away*

You'd probably prefer that to the way I would immediately cling to you for the rest of the night asking you many questions about your book and your process and your publishing prospects.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:03 AM on December 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

Corporate Assassin

Oh, nice gig. So can you off Steve for me? He's right over there, you don't even have to hunt him down or anything.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:11 AM on December 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

I matched with a guy on some dating app and he told me he worked on optical lenses, and proceeded to get mad at me when I thought it might have to do with eyeglasses.

Don't do that.

(I have done learning and education related stuff for a long time and no one really understands my various jobs, because I don't quote-unquote teach. Oh well, they get WHERE I work right now.)
posted by wellred at 7:19 AM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

I think "how was your day" is the nicest icebreaker my husband taught me, and you can see strangers physically relax on it because they know they can answer it any way they want.
posted by agregoli at 7:20 AM on December 17, 2019 [24 favorites]

People do this so they can identify your social status. When I worked, I always gave an answer that lowballed any class indicators, but was accurate. I work in IT Support. and it helps keep away people who are highly status-driven, which is a lot of people. Now I'm not working, and status-seekers treat me like I have cooties.

Tell me what music you like, what you read, where you go hiking. Tell me about your dog. I like to know what work people do, if they like it, if it's interesting, but I try to avoid it because it's part of so much BS.

Just found out a friend was a Chem major. I liked Chemistry, science in general. Far rather hear about that than most Pop culture.
posted by theora55 at 7:22 AM on December 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

Okay, look, I know that this will sound overwhelmingly smug, but whether I am being asked what I do or asking what someone else does, I try to read the interaction. Are they serious about asking what I do? Do I feel like they want to talk about what they do? Should I be funny when I describe my job? Should I ask them a silly or a serious follow-up question? If they're being funny, do they want us to mutually riff on their comments? I'm a weirdo, not a conversational genius, but trying to amuse and match mood with the person you're chatting to seems like ordinary courtesy to me. The purpose is to have a pleasant interaction, whether superficial or slightly more substantial, and a large part of that is trying to make the other person feel at ease. It's like, I am a misanthrope and avoid people as much as possible, but it seems reasonable to be nice when you do need to interact.

"oh, nice to meet you, what do you do" "I'm a [profession]" is not how you try to put the other person at ease.

I understand that I can do this because I'm more or less neurotypical, but I feel like there's a lot of discourse (in general, not just here) that's basically "small talk sucks, I give people rebarbative answers and then wonder why they say dumb shit or can't come up with anything" and it's by no means all coming from non-neurotypical people.
posted by Frowner at 7:22 AM on December 17, 2019 [26 favorites]

UGH, I hate this question so much. So, so much. First I hated it because I had very low-level customer support jobs that people tend to sneer at, then I hated it because I was unemployed, then I hated it because I had a lower-level admin job at a prestigious company so I got to watch people's faces go from impressed to bored when they heard the company name before they heard what position I held. Now I work in the payments industry and my title is application support analyst, which currently translates into "I help community banks and credit unions get set up with Apple Pay and similar products", which is BORING AS FUCK. But when people say, "so, what do you do," they want to know how I make money so that they know what mental category to slot me into -- and it's sad, because there's so much more to me than my job. My job is the least interesting thing about my life. It tells you nothing of value about me, unless you use it as a springboard for more interesting questions. But so few people ever do that.
posted by palomar at 7:26 AM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

I dislike this question because no one knows what my job is. Once I explain what an actuary does, they ask what insurance company I work for, which is also not one they've ever heard of because no one knows what reinsurance is either. So when someone asks what I do, even if they're polite with follow up questions, I get to give a long answer and watch their eyes glaze over.

My ice-breakers are either super weird (if I feel like the person can handle it, if your leg had to be amputated, what would you do with your severed limb) or I fall back on TV. I watch alot of TV and will just cycle through until I've found one they've watched and we can discuss.
posted by LizBoBiz at 7:33 AM on December 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

If I want to talk to you: astronomer.
If I don't want to talk to you: physicist.
If I want to intimidate you: astrophysicist.
posted by BrashTech at 7:46 AM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

If someone asks about my job, I tell them I'm a security guard who paints monsters and butts. This is true.

If someone asks me "What do you DOOOOO?" I tell them "whatever the fuck I want" which is also true.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:49 AM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

My profession is one of those that is actually pretty good to keep a conversation going, because when you're a dentist EVERYONE either says they love the dentist or hate the dentist and then wants to tell a horror story that they think is the most horrible thing they've ever imagined until I tell them about the (drunk) guy who tripped and fell and landed on a railroad track dead on his two front teeth and snapped them to the gumline and had to wait overnight until he could be seen the next morning. then they go off sucking at their own two front teeth hoping to unhear that story and maybe regretting ever asking the question. good times.
posted by OHenryPacey at 7:52 AM on December 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

I try to avoid this question because I know it makes people uncomfortable, but it makes me a touch sad because I feel like it’s one of the things most worth talking about. Work is how many of us spend the majority of our waking hours! It’s a huge part of so many lives, and should be something we can talk about without feeling awkward or uncomfortable. I understand all the reasons why this isn’t the case, but it still feels weird to avoid talking about how someone just spent the last 4-10 hours of their day.

There are limits to ethical small talk under capitalism, I suppose.
posted by a device for making your enemy change his mind at 7:57 AM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

I've had some amazing conversations with people when one of us has asked what the other does--sometimes when it's in a lull where someone was casting about for something to start a conversation.

Sure, sometimes it's an asshole trying to size up your status. And that sucks, but in my experience, just as often it's not. It's not a great conversation starter, because of all the reasons people have outlined above, but it's far from the worst. (That'd be a fun thread) And I actually come to a grinding halt when people ask me what I do for fun, because sometimes I draw a blank or come up with something generic like "reading" or "messing about on this one website."

Those can generate good follow-up questions or not, as well, depending upon the people involved--not just them as some static construct of personality, but also their energy level, mood, sobriety, distractedness, etc. Sometimes, they'll ask, for instance, "oh, what have you been reading lately?" And I'll draw a complete blank on the last 3 books I've read, even though I enjoyed them a lot. And the conversation kind of slips into a coma, but it's not like that's a crime, or anyone's fault.
posted by pykrete jungle at 8:02 AM on December 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

I'm a geography prof

Why is it so important for 11 year olds to know how ox-bow lakes are formed?
posted by biffa at 8:04 AM on December 17, 2019 [7 favorites]

It's phatic discourse and people don't actually care what you do. There's no need to be so defensive about it.

AND YET real actual people here are saying that they really have, in their real life, commonly encountered people who react observably badly to being told what they do! It's almost like many people do care enough about what other people do to become unpleasant about it!
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 8:04 AM on December 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

I really don't like answering the question, "What do you like to do for fun?" For starters, I have like 20 possible answers for that, versus one when I get asked what I do. So now I have to spend time making sure I pick the right combinations of things that will get positive responses from other people. And because I have more choice over what I do for fun, I feel more pressure to convey enthusiasm for my hobbies. But I don't pursue any of the things I do for fun very seriously so my answers to follow-up questions are very underwhelming.

For example, I like to run, but I try not to fuss too much over time, and I've only done a couple of races in my life. So sometimes I get people who hate exercise of any form, and I get a lot of the exact same sorts of reactions discussed here. Other times I get people who think running is only worth pursuing if you can do it well. In which case the reaction is a bit incredulous, as if I couldn't like running if I wasn't trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon or whatever. Rinse and repeat with everything else I like to do for fun.
posted by chernoffhoeffding at 8:11 AM on December 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

> A more interesting framing would be "what sort of question would you like a total stranger to ask as an icebreaker?"

I believe this is my new icebreaker question, thank you very much kind internet neighbor.
posted by chadlavi at 8:14 AM on December 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

A more interesting framing would be "what sort of question would you like a total stranger to ask as an icebreaker?"

How much do polar bears weigh?

Just enough to break the ice.
posted by compartment at 8:19 AM on December 17, 2019 [10 favorites]

It's almost like many people do care enough about what other people do to become unpleasant about it!

If people are actually responding to strangers at parties with the kind of passive-aggressive, snide comebacks proposed in many of the comments, I'm not surprised that their interlocutors become unpleasant, tbh.
posted by thelonius at 8:20 AM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

As a chemistry professor, I find myself in strong agreement with queenofbythnia’s comment above. If you squirm at being asked what you do, and then semi-reluctantly drop it on your interlocutor with the grim disgust of someone finding their cat shat in their shoe, followed by an awkward silence intended to emphasize your own discomfort, eh, the awkwardness is really not your interlocutor’s fault.

My whole shtick is making chemistry interesting to people! Favorite element? Let me tell you about helium! It’s not just for filling balloons and making voices sound funny. There are no known substances that combine chemically with helium, so it’s called a “noble gas”, because it doesn’t mingle with the “riff-raff”.

Did you know that when helium is in it’s liquid form, it will actually “climb” out of a flask on its own? It’s called “creep”!

Helium wasn’t even discovered first on our planet. It was noticed first by the strange yellow light that was given off by the sun during a solar eclipse. No other element gave off that exact same yellow light when it burned. So researchers decided there must be a new element — one we’ve never identified yet — that existed in the sun. So they named it after the Greek name for the sun: Helios. Helium wasn’t discovered on our planet until years later, when it was isolated from uranium-containing rocks.

Also, helium is light enough, and non-reactive enough, that it can actually escape Earth’s atmosphere. The planet is actually out-gassing it’s helium and losing it, over time. Fortunately, new helium is always being formed in the Earth’s crust by radioactive decay, but it takes a while to percolate up. The gas is so important to a wide variety of technical uses that there’s genuine concern of a helium shortage.

And just think — for a few bucks, you can go to the grocery store and buy a balloon filled with this amazing element! Astounding!


(Honestly, if you’re a chemistry professor and can’t say something fascinating about chemistry, maybe you forgot why you got interested in the field to begin with?)
posted by darkstar at 8:24 AM on December 17, 2019 [50 favorites]

I'm actually ok with people asking what I do and inferring my salary, because if my work wants me to keep quiet about it (and they most assuredly do), then I'm going to do what I can to break that, even if it's an indirect kind of way.

Though I agree it is a dull question.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:26 AM on December 17, 2019

The queen - as in Her Majesty - who knows a thing or two about ice-breaking openings with strangers - apparently employs the following about 99% of the time:

Have you come far?

I've never met the queen. But when we first arrived on Long Island from the UK 26 years ago, a guy at a party asked my husband.

So, how much did you pull down last year?

I remember thinking "gosh, how...refreshingly different!". I was determined to love Long Island. But thankfully it turned out to be a memorable one-off.
posted by Jody Tresidder at 8:37 AM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

I work in a part of science like Columbus and for the first ten years of so of the job, talking to people about what I do was the same experience. It was a little technical and a dull as a topic for most people, so I'd mention it, but quickly move the conversation on to something else.

However, the subject area has been in the news frequently enough in the past decade to become politicized. Nationally it's turned into us-vs-them issue with partisans on three or more sides, all with strongly held opinions. Politics, public hearings, parliamentary committees, court cases.

I'm at the point now that I don't want to talk about what I do publicly. I avoid it. I duck out of conversations where it comes up. When pressed, I try to make the blandest statement, intentionally trying to be non-specific and boring. I want people to walk away and think what I do is uninteresting or obscure, because that's preferable to being button-holed by an Angry Person with Opinions for the next few hours (or worse, two Angry People with conflicting opinions). I'd really, really rather be technical and a bit dull again.
posted by bonehead at 8:37 AM on December 17, 2019

(Honestly, if you’re a chemistry professor and can’t say something fascinating about chemistry, maybe you forgot why you got interested in the field to begin with?)

I'd like to go back to my chem professors and ask them this very question. My chem classes were DEADLY boring.

On topic, I say, "I'm a weaver with a day job." That covers what I do and what I do for fun.
posted by corvikate at 8:39 AM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

I answered this question this weekend, at a party. When I told them I was an accountant they immediately mentioned Taxes, as always happens. I had to respond that I am intimidated by taxes and always leave them to the professionals. This then leads to a brief and unsatisfying discussion about how I push numbers around for a living.

On the other hand, I once asked the question and was told: "Proctologist". This led to an awkward series of thoughts about wanting to/not wanting to shake his hand, and then blurting out: "I hope I never have to see you!" We then awkwardly searched for other subjects to discuss.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 8:55 AM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

I just tell people I haven't held a job since 1998.
posted by jscalzi at 8:57 AM on December 17, 2019 [13 favorites]

(Honestly, if you’re a chemistry professor and can’t say something fascinating about chemistry, maybe you forgot why you got interested in the field to begin with?)

I'd like to go back to my chem professors and ask them this very question. My chem classes were DEADLY boring.


That’s a totally fair criticism.

Part of it is due to the fact that STEM folks tend to be introverts, and so STEM professors are often not as gregarious and demonstrative in their enthusiasm of what interests them. Sometimes, we also get frustrated with those students who simply won’t engage with the material unless we turn it into a form of entertainment. Which, to be honest, is really difficult, to be both a highly skilled and knowledgeable chemist AND a kind of circus performer for multiple shows per day. And in our frustration, we can sort of disengage emotionally, ourselves.

Part of it is due to the course material, too. The highly abstract, math-infused component of chemistry lecture courses can make some of it difficult to apply in concrete ways to engage students’ interests. And part of it is because of the standard curriculum expectations that require us to cover certain topics at a depth that no one would ever need unless they went on to graduate school in chemistry or physics, and which could easily be taught then, rather than in a freshman lecture.

Lab classes are better, because you can get your hands on things and make sense of the theory by doing.

But if you’re in a conversation at a party, you don’t have to worry about whether your interlocutor remembered to use sig figs correctly, or whether they inverted the final and initial energy states when calculating the energy change for a hydrogen atom when an electron relaxes from the n=4 to the n=2 — which, honestly, can sometimes be boring to us professors, too — and you can just talk about what makes science fascinating.
posted by darkstar at 9:23 AM on December 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

Why is it so important for 11 year olds to know how ox-bow lakes are formed?

It's better to learn something about how water flow works early in life than later when you're talking with an insurance adjuster. The specific part about ox-bow lakes is because it's a colorful example that eleven-year-olds can identify easily.
posted by asperity at 9:24 AM on December 17, 2019 [7 favorites]

When I say I'm an editor, sometimes people hear "auditor", and then the room clears out.

Auditors must be lonely people.

Yes.
posted by avalonian at 9:27 AM on December 17, 2019 [9 favorites]

“Eedjit: And what do you want to be when you grow up?”

If I wanted to shorten the interaction I’d just say “taller.”

I was asked this question a few weeks back, as a middle-aged woman. It was well-intentioned and a bit tongue-in-cheek, but goodness, I wish I had thought to say "taller."
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:28 AM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

Everyone likes to talk about themselves, and it keeps them from trying to make you talk about yourself.

They don't! People really don't like having their brains picked and they don't like being pigeonholed, that's why this question is so uncomfortable for so many people.

Why not stick to observations or questions about what's going on around you at the party rather than probing a stranger with personal questions that have nothing to do with anything?
posted by rue72 at 9:32 AM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

To clarify, Bohr’s model of electron relaxation is hella fascinating. I just read his essay where he first described it, and was giddy to read as history was being made. But I contrast that with the grind of what students then have to do with the model, mathematically.

Maybe my view of this is colored by the fact that we’ve just completed Finals week, though...
posted by darkstar at 9:34 AM on December 17, 2019

This is so interesting to me. It is much easier for me to answer questions about what I do for work than about what I do for fun. I just don’t have all that much room for fun, and there is no way to say that that won’t kill a party (and put me in a bad mood besides). I agree with people who said the key is to read the person you’re talking to. Some people get a lot of meaning out of what they do for work, and it’s not always because they’re making bank doing it.
posted by eirias at 9:53 AM on December 17, 2019 [7 favorites]

I want to know what people learned in elementary or middle school that they've used recently. Except I'm not sure how to ask that one in a way that doesn't sound stupid.

(tell me about your ox-bow lakes, strangers)
posted by asperity at 9:56 AM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

The problem I struggle with is my tendency to answer questions accurately and precisely. Many people are better at choosing their words based on what response they wish to elicit, rather than on the meaning of those words.
posted by RobotHero at 9:57 AM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

I love how this post caused all the chem profs to come out of the woodwork. Hello!
I think darkstar has hit it on the nose:
Honestly, if you’re a chemistry professor and can’t say something fascinating about chemistry, maybe you forgot why you got interested in the field to begin with?
Because guess what, I love telling stories. Most of them aren't mine - my research career didn't last that long - but maybe I can tell you about ClF₃, which sets sand on fire. Or dissolving a Nobel medal in aqua regia to hide it from the Nazis. Or FOOF, or....
posted by invokeuse at 10:35 AM on December 17, 2019 [7 favorites]

Or dissolving a Nobel medal in aqua regia to hide it from the Nazis.

Um...I'm not sure I'd call that hiding so much as destroying...

Huh. Then I googled it, and damn... that's actually a pretty good cocktail party story.
posted by Naberius at 10:46 AM on December 17, 2019 [10 favorites]

It is much easier for me to answer questions about what I do for work than about what I do for fun.

Totally agree. I am an introvert, so while I think I'm pretty good at chit-chatting, it drains a lot of energy from me. I would much rather answer specific questions like "what do you do for work" as ice-breakers in order to save energy for more thoughtful questions/answers later in the conversation. I always approach new interactions as potentially good conversations -- I try to be open and curious and empathetic. Specific easy questions are a way for me to wade in and prepare myself for that. Hard questions or unusual questions off the bat just make me want to lock the bedroom door and crawl under a blanket. It's like the questioner is demanding too much energy from me without letting me "charge up". The question "what do you do for fun" also feels like my "coolness" is being tested somehow. At least with the work question, I think there's a general acceptance that work is not always (or even usually) enjoyable or interesting. The follow-up question "do you like it" is in most cases acceptably answered in the negative or the positive.

I do understand that the question "what do you do for work" is itself, for some types of people, a test and opportunity to judge the other person. But clearly many kinds of questions are like that; the issue is the questioner's intentions, not the question itself.
posted by odin53 at 10:51 AM on December 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

I tell people that I have the same job that Chandler had on Friends.
posted by mhum at 10:58 AM on December 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

So, how much did you pull down last year?

Answer something like "About 20 yards", then enjoy the slight squint of bewilderment as it crosses their face.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:59 AM on December 17, 2019

As an adult, some of the geography stuff makes sense. If you are a net importer or exporter of bauxite, say, or lithium. In 8th grade, I had no idea what bauxite was or whit it mattered, and didn't GAF. Geography was incredibly poorly taught. When I was young and traveling, I had a small map, so I could show where I lived and another traveler could do the same. Maps, especially with modern mapping tools, are awesome and amazing.
posted by theora55 at 10:59 AM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

I never ask what people do for a living which can be problematic because then I have little to no idea what these people do so when they talk about some event at their work later on I can only really understand the specific thing they are talking about without any wider context. And they assume they've told me what they do at some point because everyone asks that question. I probably should start asking people this, not at the beginning of the conversation, but somewhere along the line.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 11:00 AM on December 17, 2019

orange swan: Auditors must be lonely people.

I really awesome family member who is an auditor, but I get how mentioning her living would be akin to saying you're a tax collector -- no one likes the idea of the action, for fear it'll uncover something.


betweenthebars: Why are we talking about work at a party?

Because we already talked about the weather? This is a stock question to sound like you're half-way interested in the other person you just met.

The problem with this question, and people's response to the answer of "chemistry professor," is a lack of imagination, and/or a fear of asking questions that'll lead to uncomfortable discussions. Like religion (in many places), or politics.

In work-related gatherings, this topic is an exciting one, where similarly minded folks chat about what they do and might even get ideas of how to do something new or better (or promote themselves and their companies).
posted by filthy light thief at 11:22 AM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

I just ignore people at parties. You’ll find me hunkered down with the dogs and cats.
posted by dbiedny at 11:36 AM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

thelonius: "It's phatic discourse and people don't actually care what you do. There's no need to be so defensive about it."

Counterpoint:

“It is worth repeating at this point the theories that Ford had come up with, on his first encounter with human beings, to account for their peculiar habit of continually stating and restating the very very obvious, as in "It's a nice day," or "You're very tall," or "So this is it, we're going to die."

His first theory was that if human beings didn't keep exercising their lips, their mouths probably shriveled up.

After a few months of observation he had come up with a second theory, which was this--"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, their brains start working.”
posted by signal at 11:44 AM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

I used to have the best answer for this: lighthouses was all I did for 6 years. Now it's a lot more complicated; I still do some lighthouses, but I do mostly other stuff involving federal environmental requirements.

I loved talking about that job, though: I can really bend your ear about Fresnel lenses and whatnot.
posted by suelac at 11:45 AM on December 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

I love talking to people about my job! I can even succinctly explain what postdocking is. I just never want anyone else to ask me what happens when this temporary contract is up.
posted by ChuraChura at 12:31 PM on December 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

“I... er... sometimes I listen to podcasts while putting things on shelves?”

Ooh, can I please adopt this as my answer to the "what do you do" question?

(And I hereby resolve to use "So [name], what is best in life?" as an awkward icebreaker at least once in 2020. Should go swimmingly!)
posted by Tess of the d'Urkelvilles at 12:55 PM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

I think that most people are interesting as shit, and I will talk to ANYONE....but I'm going to lead with "So, what do you do?" because I really don't want to talk about football, and if your politics are wrong I just might make a scene.

I work in IT at a university. "No, I don't run Windows, I'm a Unix sysadmin; no, I don't teach, I manage the people who run the computer systems & data centers that make the university a functioning organization, and I oversee our cloud computing stuff. Yes, Amazon." After that it can either be boring as anything, or we can talk about you!
posted by wenestvedt at 12:57 PM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

When I worked for Australia's welfare department, I would get "all public servants are ratbags" or "guess what, this is how I'm breaking the law getting welfare payments illegally". Now I'm a research assistant, I can bore people to death with the intricacies of a particular research project or mention my (very very very minor) connection to ASIO (like the CIA) though the last time I did that, I was tipsy at a pub with a bunch of complete strangers, and when the crowd thinned for a moment, a very nice man in the group put his arm around me and showed me his ID: Australian Federal Police.
posted by b33j at 1:19 PM on December 17, 2019 [9 favorites]

I'll throw in with the other people who are like vampires to garlic when asked what I do for fun. There's not really anything I'm passionate enough about to identify with in that way, you know? I might watch TV or listen to a podcast or read something, but...meh, it's all just a way to pass time. It's just such an awkward question with no good answer for me, and I'd be surprised if I were alone in that.
posted by mattwan at 1:24 PM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

I have friend who I met about 10 years ago, he's a software developer and while that's not what I do, I am tech-savvy enough that we could have conversations about semi-related work stuff.

Then, about 5 years ago, he got a job at another company that places a massive emphasis on secrecy, as in, you can tell people where you work and that's about it. It's been really refreshing because we never talk about my work now either. We talk about music, cocktails, movies, literally everything else except work.

So now, occasionally, when I'm at social events, (and can tell the person isn't really invested in the answer) I borrow his line and say "Unfortunately, I can't talk about what I do." Turns out people become really interested in you after that.
posted by jeremias at 1:25 PM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

Given that "What do you do for work?" is itself cliche, and people hating it is a cliche;
And asking "What do you do for fun?" is also taken as either great or horribly intrusive;
And some people hate the idea of small-talk and want to jump immediately to intimacy (while others dislike that, of course);
But since this is on introductions you somewhat definitionally can't figure out what sort of person they are before asking something, and "I hate people and parties and want everybody to go away" also isn't much of an answer (though people have already covered that)

Clearly the best opener combines all of the above!
"If what you do for survival and what you do for entertainment were switched, what sort of emotional changes do you think you would go through to adapt? What about switching intimacy and privacy?"
That way everybody can be uncomfortable and you won't leave someone feeling that someone else is out there enjoying the party without them!
posted by CrystalDave at 1:39 PM on December 17, 2019 [8 favorites]

When I say housewife, the conversations are more interesting because people are often shocked into silence by a presumably liberal, educated woman saying such a thing. I follow up with slyly questioning the linguistics of counting only employed work as ‘work’ along the lines of alienable productivity and sneaking in some comments about the contradictory economics of social reproduction.

When I was a SAHM, I used to reply to that question with "I'm a Kept Woman,", because the spit-takes were hilarious.

These days, I say I work in Educational Technology, which is true. The specifics are complex and boring.
posted by MissySedai at 1:55 PM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

i actively dislike my job. it makes me angry to talk about it because i dislike it so much. i default now to "sit at a computer all day" or "office work" but they still want fucking details even though we all know they don't care and will forget in an hour. ask me about my cats or knitting or something.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 2:45 PM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

I don’t understand why the people who hate talking to others are going to parties. Can some of you chime in? It will help me make feel welcome at the next party I attend.

My ice breaker question is usually “So what is your connection to the people here?” (That is, the hosts.) Very helpful time elucidating the human relationship like “I’m here with my significant other.” “I know them from work (or some other activity, like the gym, volunteering.)” And so on. The there are many directions for the conversation proceed—their relationships, activities, work, what their SO’s do, etc.

I welcome being asked what I do for work. I recently retired from teaching engineering, and I love talking about the topic. When people say “I’m not smart enough,” I correct them. “You are smart enough, you just don’t have the interest, and had you had better teachers, you might have had the interest now.” It’s fun! And I can relate their experiences in daily life (e.g. cruise control, thermostat) to what I teach.
posted by haiku warrior at 2:56 PM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

I don’t understand why the people who hate talking to others are going to parties.

Spouse’s office party. Work party but talking to spouse of coworker. Block party. Kid’s birthday party.
posted by Etrigan at 3:22 PM on December 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

"I play with the building blocks of the universe."
posted by megatherium at 3:41 PM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

"So, do you like talking about work?" is a good lead question? Does anyone think that's horrible?

I think any of that sort of meta "What sort of small-talk do you like best?" seems like the most respectful in terms of paying attention to and caring about how a person is feeling right now in the moment you are talking to them.

the other thing is that when someone asks what you do, you're not supposed to say I'm an X and wait expectantly until your interlocutor fails you. the conventional response is I'm an X, how about you? the silence is awkward for sure, but it's not them who forgot their lines.

I like this too. If someone asks an uncomfortable question, you can almost always get out of it with a very brief and vague response followed by a question.

"I work at the college. What do you do?"
"I like to read. What do you like to do?"
posted by straight at 3:54 PM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

Because we already talked about the weather? This is a stock question to sound like you're half-way interested in the other person you just met.

Talking about my job leads to more talking about the weather. Which is okay, I am in North Dakota, there is often a lot to talk about. I also usually have to explain that I'm not on TV, but I put out the crawls that interrupt programs during severe weather.
posted by weathergal at 4:15 PM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

Thanks, Etrigan.
posted by haiku warrior at 4:39 PM on December 17, 2019

Lately the only time I get asked what I do is at the Doctor's office, and that's fine, because then I say "I'm a plant doctor, which is just like a doctor only it's OK when I kill my patients". We chuckle and move on.

Once I met a famous pianist at a party and I told him how much I treasured his recordings and he asked me how to keep bugs off his zucchini.
posted by acrasis at 5:00 PM on December 17, 2019 [10 favorites]

> The follow-on that I usually get when I say "stay-at-home mom" is "Oh, how many kids do you have/how old are they"? and people get kind of nonplussed when I say "One kid, seventeen years old" like that doesn't really count or something

Hellooooo fellow housewife! Yeah, when I say that my kids are teenagers, there's definitely a bit where you can hear the cogs slipping as the person tries to understand that. I usually add "It's awesome. Great work if you can get it."

> ‘being a mom is the most important job there is!’ - jesus, no.

Some people want to make it so clear that they VALUE WOMEN'S UNPAID LABOR that I have actually been thanked for my service. Which is better than the confusion or contempt I usually get.
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:17 PM on December 17, 2019

"I like to skin things"
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 6:06 PM on December 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

Funny to hear the chemistry professors chiming in. Back in the day I taught college chemistry also, and I too can charm people with vivacious anecdotes about matter and its transformations in a social setting.

That said, it was pretty common for people to react to hearing that I taught chem by dredging up traumas and hatred of their chemistry classes. Once a grown woman loudly faked vomiting. I didn’t have a hard time letting it roll off my back, but I could absolutely understand someone developing the reticence in the anecdote in the header.
posted by Sublimity at 6:13 PM on December 17, 2019

Sometimes when I say "neurologist" people hear "urologist," at which point I get to say "Other end!" in the most cheerful Mary Poppins voice I can manage.

(It was decidedly less cheerful when I used to get paged at 3am to come place a Coude catheter, though.)
posted by basalganglia at 7:16 PM on December 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

A more interesting framing would be "what sort of question would you like a total stranger to ask as an icebreaker?"

If I'm making small talk, I always ask what someone does for fun, rather than ask about their occupation. If they're lucky the answers are the same thing, but more frequently they aren't. Either way, it generally leads to a more interesting conversation, and it's not immediately awkward for someone who isn't working, is between jobs, hates their job, works in the home, whatever.

I mean, it can still be awkward, but you're at least giving the other person a wide range of options as to how they want to respond. And if they really want to tell you about their high-powered job, they'll absolutely figure out a way to work it in.
posted by Kadin2048 at 8:16 PM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

I, uh, love talking about my job. Possibly too much. People like asking me about it.

...But after reading this thread I'm feeling really, really bad about that. I'm sorry that this is such a sore point for so many people. ☹️

The closest "wacky misunderstanding" story I have is this:

The way this conversation used to start:
Q- "Oh, so you work in X. Are you Y?"
A- "I get that a lot! No, I'm Z, because I work on ABC. Y's usually work on DEF."
Q- "Huh. I always thought Y's were in charge of ABC"

Now it starts like *this:*
Q- "Oh, so you work in X. Are you Y?"
A- "Sort of!"
posted by ®@ at 11:43 PM on December 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

I get that most people have jobs such that when you tell people what you do, they don't get weirdly aggressive okay-poindexter, and they don't get weirdly defensive about their own intelligence as if you needed to be smart to get a phd in anything, and they don't start pushing you to justify the existence of your discipline. I've had people do all of these.

Oh, I see. As I have only ever been a lowly Classics grad student, various sorts of complicated technical editor, and various sorts of cataloger of obscure materials, I wouldn't have felt so confident I knew what most people have for jobs and what kinds of responses they typically get from describing them. I am not prepared to say so emphatically that I "get" the typical cocktail party experience of those with fewer degrees than me. hell, I'm so simple that I never thought, or observed, that it was all that much easier than my own.

Anyway all the experience I have, myself, is of jobs other people aren't usually familiar with, so that's all I can speak to.

It's learned from the way many people responded to how we answered with sincere enthusiasm when we were younger/newer.

My own personal experiences are colored by my habit of adjusting my expressive enthusiasm for my own subject matter based on the response I get from the person I'm talking to, as my aim is generally to interest or entertain them, and if that seems out of my reach, to make them comfortable. I don't remember where I learned to do this. not grad school I guess.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:47 PM on December 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

Honk like a horrible goose if you passed P-Chem! Whenever I meet a bench chemist, which is not as often is I'd like these days, I ask them what reactions they never want to see run again. That often gets interesting stories.

I went through a period of asking "what do you do for fun?" but learned it was unhelpful for a lot of people. I am currently working with "what do you like to make smalltalk about at parties?"
posted by away for regrooving at 12:11 AM on December 18, 2019 [6 favorites]

I usually just go with staring at people very very intently before demanding:
"Tell me everything about you in exhaustive detail! right! now!"

it's not a perfect strategy... but it's not terrible.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 3:49 AM on December 18, 2019 [4 favorites]

Oh, I see.

No, you're right. The various times I've told people what I do for a living and they immediately get a sour expression or start directly telling me what a stupid thing to do that is or every time after that that they see me they call me "hey professor" with a sarcastic tone, those are all my fault for not doing it right.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 6:04 AM on December 18, 2019 [4 favorites]

I'm a network engineer for a college, so I usually tell people "I work on the networks at $employer - I make sure the kids can instagram their lunch or whatever they're doing now", which is usually enough detail to satisfy non-geeks and if a geeky person wants to know more, they can ask.

When dealing with kids, I often ask "what's cool in the world now" because "go ahead and tell me about your pokemon" is often a much more interesting thing for a kid to talk about rather than "what's your favorite subject in school" or "what do you want to be when you grow up"
posted by rmd1023 at 7:22 AM on December 18, 2019

FWIW, as a mathematics professor, I dread telling people what I do because it almost always prompts people to share some formative trauma of shitty math instruction, followed by praise of my perceived intelligence, and there's no real response to, "Wow, you must be so smart! I can't even balance my checkbook!" (or whatever. Nobody balances checkbooks these days, but there's invariably some sort of example of how they are utterly incompetent in basic arithmetic and regard that as normal). I could hug the people who follow it up with "oh, what do you teach?" (to which my practiced answer is "whatever I'm asked to, but this semester calculus and intro to proof") or "what are you working on?" (to which I have a polished elevator-pitch description of the problem I was working on a decade ago, which is out-of-date information but it's easier to put into lay terminology than anything I've done since).
posted by jackbishop at 8:32 AM on December 18, 2019 [3 favorites]

She is actually a professor, but she really enjoys telling everyone she's a plumber and watching them walk the line of kind of embarrassed/shocked but trying to pretend they don't think blue collar work is beneath their class and/or women shouldn't be in the trades etc.

I'm going to steal this. Maybe with a pink-collar switch, since I pretty obviously present as a professional-class man.

I once got seated next to the head of a massive US federal government agency at a fancy dinner. I figured that was one of the few times to go ahead and trot out a somewhat snooty sounding job title. His immediate followup question was, "which character from the Big Bang Theory are you most like?" I didn't have a satisfying answer. We moved on to the weather.
posted by eotvos at 9:19 AM on December 18, 2019 [3 favorites]

> Me: can we skip this part.

I would find an excuse to leave the conversation at this point. Maybe that's their goal.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:20 AM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]

Nobody balances checkbooks these days

As Chief Steward of Checkbook Balancers Local 151, I have news for you. You don't think your finance program does that on its own, do you?
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:47 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]

Oh I JUST was reading this old thread where people described what their jobs are like. This is the kind of thing that I am looking for when people ask about work. It is SO interesting!

https://ask.metafilter.com/226931/What-is-your-job-like-really
posted by halehale at 9:44 AM on December 19, 2019 [3 favorites]

Nobody balances checkbooks these days

Because no-one has cheque books any more?
posted by biffa at 6:37 AM on December 24, 2019

This just popped up from Firefox's Pocket reading suggestions: How to talk to anyone: the experts' guide -- Handle awkward date silences, end a conversation with a stranger – plus chat to your children, your parents and your boss. Our panel shares their secrets (Interviews by Rosie Ifould, 28 Nov. 2015)

No questions about what you do, or where you work, or about jobs.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:35 AM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

^^^^How to talk to anyone: the experts' guide. Our panel shares their secrets.

Having skimmed it, here's the takeaway:

Ask people how they know the host, or how they got there, or what they think of the food (just about everyone likes talking about food).

Can't wait for the next party!
posted by virago at 6:47 PM on January 1, 2020

Because no-one has cheque books any more?

I have a vestigial cheque account. No idea if I could draw a cheque on it. Dubious that anyone I actually give money to would recognise or accept it.
posted by pompomtom at 9:05 PM on January 2, 2020

Because no-one has cheque books any more?

It's a tangent, but...a while back I finally started having to repay one of my student loans. (It's a long, deferment-filled story.) Okay, fine. Where's the online form to do that? There isn't one. Can I pay over the phone with a debit card? Of course not. Can I at the very least give them my remaining American bank account number and routing number so they can take it out directly? I can not.

They wanted a check. An actual, physical, hand-written check. Every single month until I'm finished paying. I tried to tell them that I haven't had a checkbook since 2007...nor do I have a fax machine, buggy whip, or scurvy.

I think they eventually sold the loan to a company that's located slightly closer to the 21st century.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 1:46 AM on January 3, 2020 [2 favorites]

Oh, I've written plenty of cheques, as recently as 2019. I have already received one cheque in 2020. So I guess I'm living in ancient times according to some of you.

But I have never balanced a chequebook.
posted by RobotHero at 7:41 AM on January 3, 2020

I've already written a check in 2020, so I am also in ancient times.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:39 AM on January 3, 2020

I think checks turning into a uniquely traditional US practice because of the banking laws you have.

We use them only once or twice a year now, and often only for very unique circumstances when nothing else will do (or with folks of older generations). Online/email bank transfers have replaced them almost entirely in Canada.
posted by bonehead at 9:42 AM on January 6, 2020 [1 favorite]

Online/email bank transfers have replaced them almost entirely in Canada.

Online/email bank transfers have replaced them almost entirely in urban Canada.

There are fairly large swathes of the country, especially up North, where broadband internet penetration isn't high enough to support a reliance on electronic banking. Cash, cheques and barter are still important to the local economies in those places.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:07 AM on January 6, 2020

I use cheques at my work every day. Maybe I can tell that to people when they ask about what I do for a living.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 5:54 PM on January 6, 2020 [2 favorites]