“What the hell?” Mark moans, above. “Carbondale,” I say.

October 23, 2023 5:04 PM

I pull out the last bottle of red and, after fetching two coffee cups from the galley, pour us a drink. Writers need time, and Amtrak, it would appear, has all the time in the world. But maybe they ended the residency program for the same reasons Mark and I have written nothing on this train: There’s just too much else to do and see. America changing shape before your eyes. from Fast Times on America’s Slowest Train
posted by chavenet (48 comments total)

this was a fun and wholesome read, thanks for sharing.
posted by bongerino at 5:29 PM on October 23, 2023 [5 favorites]

“Will you poop on the train?” she asked, troubled at the thought.
“I assume so, in the designated areas.”

I have done this thing. Pooped on an Amtrak train, in the Designated Pooping Area (DPA). It was honestly more pleasant to poop on a bus, on average.
posted by JHarris at 5:34 PM on October 23, 2023 [6 favorites]

“Remembrance of things past is not necessarily the remembrance of things as they were.”
― Marcel Proust

"Trains I have shit on."
― JHarris
posted by biffa at 5:44 PM on October 23, 2023 [16 favorites]

There's a youtuber named Hobo Shoestring with the best train stories. He gets free rides too, kinda. I've been thinking of doing an FPP on this guy for a while, you've just jogged my memory.
posted by adept256 at 5:52 PM on October 23, 2023 [4 favorites]

I… love this?
posted by heyitsgogi at 5:56 PM on October 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

I once pooped on a train in a far off land and you could look down into the "toilet" and see the tracks going by.
posted by rlk at 5:59 PM on October 23, 2023 [9 favorites]

One of the wonders of having young kids is that you end up reading them a ton of books about old trains, and one thing that gets mentioned a lot is how much human feces got dumped on the tracks.
posted by phooky at 6:09 PM on October 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

If you liked this one, check out the same author's Fifty Shades of Greyhound, in which he traverses the country on a Greyhound bus. I'm sure it's been linked on the blue at some point in the past.
posted by lorddimwit at 6:13 PM on October 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

What a lovely story.

...doing nothing, asking nothing, expecting nothing, is a precious skill to be mastered in a life well lived.

Worth the read just for this nugget of truth.

My wife mentions the idea of taking a trip on the Indian Pacific now and again and I've always responded along the lines of 'fuck no'. A four-day, 4,352km train trip sounds like some kind of torture, but I'm a person that can be still and just watch the scenery go by, so I don't know why I'm so opposed.
posted by dg at 6:18 PM on October 23, 2023 [5 favorites]

I am reminded of Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods , which has a similarly wistful buddy travel story with beautifully descriptive narration.
posted by Jon_Evil at 6:58 PM on October 23, 2023 [7 favorites]

This definitely aligns with my Amtrak experiences. Dave, the Amtrak attendant on the Omaha to Denver line who appeared to have not slept since the 1970s, and whose only answer to any query was "You've got tickets. You're good." The ride from LA to Monterey which was held up for a couple hours just outside of King City, CA, due to a flaming couch on the tracks. The trip from Chicago to Kansas City that was 6 hours late, but which I spent the last hour or so listening to the laments of the car attendants and the off-duty conductor about how Amtrak gets no respect and the government just doesn't care. I should take another ride on the rails soon.
posted by jferg at 7:14 PM on October 23, 2023 [7 favorites]

We did it! Trainfilter trifecta on the blue.
posted by adept256 at 7:15 PM on October 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

Oh, and the nighttime Amtrak shuttle bus from Omaha to Kansas City (train wasn't running due to flooding) with the piece of cardboard duct-taped to the floor that if lifted (such as due to the duct tape sticking to one's foot) revealed I-29 going by below at 65 MPH. Never a dull moment.
posted by jferg at 7:19 PM on October 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

Two years ago, I took Amtrak from Emeryville all the way to Granby, CO, in the Rockies just outside of Denver. It took about 2 days all told, and there were some amazing views and great experiences. I slept in my seat, I didn't get a room, but otherwise it was so cool. I loved going through these river cabins and seeing some amazing birds. You see the country in such a neat way.
posted by Carillon at 8:10 PM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

Despite Amtrak's notorious history of delays, I still keep toying with the idea of a ~7 day trip to from Portland up to Seattle ,> across the northern US to Chicago, staying overnight in a cheap hotel and grabbing a good dinner, then returning through either Nebraska/Colorado/Utah/Nevada to Sacramento or Kansas/New Mexico/Arizona to LA, and back up to Portland. Maybe even sleeping in my seat instead of paying for a bunk, and bringing lots of snacks and beer and wine. The idea of being able to see vast swathes of America for the first time, without having to concentrate on driving, is an alluring one.

It'd be amazing and charming, or Character Building; but either way it would surely make a great story someday.

...Thoughts? Admonishments? Warnings? Encouragement?
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:10 PM on October 23, 2023 [5 favorites]

I did the City of New Orleans ride from Champaign to NO and back last May. It was pretty okay. Harder to sleep sitting up now that I'm older. You do see quite a bit of very small-town Louisiana and Mississippi. Also, I spotted an alligator in the ditch at one point.

Pooping on the train if you're riding for more than 12 hours is probably hard to avoid, but everyone appreciates you putting it off for as long as possible.
posted by daisystomper at 9:33 PM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

You should do it! I have to say my round trip to almost Denver was stunning and worth it. Advice wise I'd only say maybe make it a circle? For me the trip back was fun, but I think it would have been better to have seen a different route.
posted by Carillon at 10:12 PM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

I still keep toying with the idea of a ~7 day trip to from Portland up to Seattle

I’ve taken the Vancouver to Portland train quite a few times, the Vancouver to Seattle more, and the Vancouver to Bellingham a truly ridiculous amount due to a former relationship, and while that section of track is at points, sublimely, heartachingly beautiful, during mudslide season a 7 day trip from Portland to Seattle is all too plausible.

I miss that ride, though - I’ll take it with the kids one day. Shame it won’t be on the double decker Superliners they used to have, which I was inordinately fond of.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 10:22 PM on October 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

..Thoughts? Admonishments? Warnings? Encouragement?
Stop talking about it and book a ticket.
posted by dg at 11:16 PM on October 23, 2023 [10 favorites]

Love the City of New Orleans. For me, it was Auzzie tourists. We bonded when the massive coal trains delayed us forever in the Mississippi Delta.

Better than driving I-55 lately, anyhow.
posted by eustatic at 1:21 AM on October 24, 2023 [3 favorites]

In late September 2016, I took the Empire Builder route from Grand Rapids, MI to Vancouver, BC (well, Chicago to Seattle, plus connectors). 55 hours each way, and it was wonderful. I had a set of seats to myself for the entire trip. They recline to nearly horizontal with plenty of room between rows, so sleeping wasn't a problem.

I brought a pile of books with me for the trip, but ended up just staring out the window for nearly the entire journey each way. So much to see! The highlight on the outbound trip was when we rolled through Glacier National Park. The aspens had started to show their fall colors so the mountainsides were deep pine green with splashes of gold.

When I told people about my trip they were all "55 hours on a train ugh!" but it was one of the most peaceful, relaxing experiences of my life.
posted by JohnFromGR at 2:26 AM on October 24, 2023 [14 favorites]

Yeah this totally gave me Bill Bryson vibes too, right down to the powdered sugar donut loving best friend. Charming!
posted by MiraK at 4:51 AM on October 24, 2023 [1 favorite]

Awesome train posts, this one especially. I've always loved trains and railroads, and I lament the decline of rail travel in N America, though this story reminds me that it's down but not out.

We've just come back from nearly 3 weeks in France, where we travelled on rail passes. The trains there were mostly fast, frequent, clean and comfortable. Scenery was of course awesome, even at >310 km/hour. We enjoyed them. We even hit their national rail museum Cité du Train.

But an efficient passenger rail system doesn't make for great storytelling. Désolé!
posted by Artful Codger at 5:10 AM on October 24, 2023 [2 favorites]

I've only ever ridden the Downeaster, but Amtrak is the best in spite of all it's numerous, fundamental flaws.

There's a section of single-track through Scarborough, ME after Old Orchard Beach that's on a narrow causeway through the marsh. If you manage to time the trip just right during an astronomically-high spring tide, it's nothing but water as far as you can see on both sides of the train and it feels like the ocean is lapping at the wheels.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 5:44 AM on October 24, 2023 [4 favorites]

Greg_Ace , do it! I took the train across Canada in 2001 and it remains one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I'm not even a train enthusiast, it's just a pleasant way to travel if you aren't in a tearing hurry.
posted by joannemerriam at 5:49 AM on October 24, 2023 [4 favorites]

I've ridden cross country on the train. It was lovely. Four days from Orlando to DC, DC to Chicago, and Chicago to Seattle. Was a genuine highlight.

…which I spent the last hour or so listening to the laments of the car attendants and the off-duty conductor about how Amtrak gets no respect and the government just doesn't care.

They're right on this. Part of the deal made with the freight lines when AmTrak was created was that the government would take passenger rail services off their hands so they could concentrate on what made money—freight. In return the freight lines are required by law to give AmTrak priority. This.  Does.  Not.  Happen.  Ever. I've learned here in Seattle it's OK to get Amtrak's Starlight heading south since its northern run starts here, but never to book it in Portland heading north. Too many delays by the time it reaches Portland, due to said freight fuckery. Always ride the regional Sounder trains heading north.

They're entirely correct to complain. Giant corporations, fucking America over for a few pennies more. Surprise surprise.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 5:57 AM on October 24, 2023 [13 favorites]

The Zephyr from San Francisco to Denver is amazing - I've ridden it about six times (sometimes including the rather less exciting leg to Chicago). Keep meaning to check out the other routes which cross the Rockies, but the Zephyr is just so good... (And, well, convenient.)
posted by kaibutsu at 7:19 AM on October 24, 2023 [2 favorites]

In the 90s I traveled by train and bus between Dallas and Phoenix and Dallas and Chicago many many times. It was super fun, I saw a lot of the country and I met a ton of interesting people. The asshole that reeked of garlic that tried to rape me excluded. One of the things that stands out is thinking I was about to be arrested and instead I got high with an engineer. I was in a smoking car with an open window! and I was alone with a stranger smoking a joint. An engineer came in and I was fully about to drop that joint out the window. He yelled at me not to, and I sighed and accepted I was about to go to jail and instead he took it from me, took a giant hit, said thanks and left. I love traveling by train.
posted by shmurley at 7:52 AM on October 24, 2023 [5 favorites]

The Empire Builder is a beautiful route. I took it last year from Seattle to Chicago, and splurged for a roomette. Not cheap, but dining car meals are included, and on that route, the dining car food is actually pretty good -- cooked to order while you wait, in a full restaurant-style kitchen on the lower level of the same car.

Coach passengers do not get dining car meals, unless they pay extra -- they are stuck with the "cafe car", which is Amtrak's conventional a la carte food service, consisting of prepackaged fare served to you either cold or microwaved. It's not wonderful, but it's tolerable. And as this piece notes, you can always bring your own grub on board.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 9:29 AM on October 24, 2023 [2 favorites]

Stop talking about it and book a ticket.

Trying to drum up support for the idea among my friends has been the hurdle. I can do the trip alone if I have to, but I'd rather have at least one companion to share the experience with.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:55 AM on October 24, 2023 [1 favorite]

I traveled from Springfield MA to Syracuse NY one very cold night. I traveled alone and had booked a roomette. Once underway I turned off all the interior lights so that I could quietly watch the snow-covered landscape unroll beneath a full moon. I enjoyed every minute of that trip, it was magic.
posted by kinnakeet at 10:37 AM on October 24, 2023 [7 favorites]

My wife's late father was a train engineer (Rock Island line, mostly) and she's always wanted to travel by train. We finally managed a trip together a few weeks ago, west to LA and then up to Seattle.

It was a great experience, but with lots of delays, leaving her a bit dubious about doing it again...but then our flight back had just as many delays and was a lot rougher on us, so that started tipping her back towards it.
posted by Four Ds at 10:57 AM on October 24, 2023 [2 favorites]

As a European of a certain age, I grew up with train travel and have lots of feelings and anecdotes that will have to wait for a eurorail thread. BUT, I love those YouTubers who film their train stories, I love this story, and I'd love to go across the US in any direction in a train. I think the author gets it exactly right: it's about being there.
Obviously, Ultra Rapid Trains are good for a lot of purposes, and should be promoted vigorously. I'm not against them. But traveling without a fixed schedule has its own qualities. Just rattling along, stopping at unknown places and bringing a huge picnic basket to share is therapeutic.

I've only been on US trains twice, both times for relatively short trips, and compared to Europe and Asia the engines and wagons are quaint in their old-time designs. I liked them. Modern trains are styled to feel like planes, which I think is a misunderstanding. Train companies should emphasize the differences, not the similarities.
posted by mumimor at 12:07 PM on October 24, 2023 [8 favorites]

Coastal Starlight south of Salinas: I look out the window and there is a dog running - keeping pace with the train. The dog didn't look as though it was making a serious effort, either.

LA waiting at Union Station for our eastbound train to Arizona. It arrived three hours late missing a car. Our car. Instead of a cabin, we got to sit in the observation car. Still, one sees things from a train you don't see any other way.
posted by jellacious at 1:55 PM on October 24, 2023 [4 favorites]

My family recently took the Auto Train to Florida and stayed in the (relatively) spacious family compartment since we have a squirmy adventuring baby. It cost a fortune, but it was a great experience. White tablecloths in the dining car, lots of interesting people who were very kind about the presence of a shouty baby, and even though the cars were ancient, the way the compartments and bathrooms were set up was so clever and kind of felt like being on a ship, except on rails. I'd love to do a more scenic trip by myself at some point in a roomette. I don't think I'd be willing to do more than an overnight on a reliable route in coach, though.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 4:56 PM on October 24, 2023 [6 favorites]

I also have a soft spot for the burgers at Port of Call, so I was instantly inclined to like this article. It was funny and tender and I laughed out loud several times. What a great piece!
posted by merriment at 5:19 PM on October 24, 2023 [1 favorite]

Back in April, we took Amtrak from the Bay Area to Reno for a convention. Sometime after gliding across the Central Valley, peering into back yards and industrial lots, climbing into the Sierra, past the trailers in the woods and the occasional gold rush town, my wife asked if she should pull out a deck of cards.

And I said "heck no, usually I'm driving, this is awesome".

Then we were up into the record snow year of the Donner pass, and down the whitewater of that river that leads into Reno, and I was ready to stay on, to Salt Lake City, to Denver, to Chicago...

And I don't think I've said "ya know, I could use a few more hours, or days, of this" for any other mode of transport.

Yeah, we didn't hit the dining car, just the snack car, but hell, prepackaged food is better than most of what we ate in Reno (shout out to Kwok's Bistro for being the notable very positive exception). And it was served with atitude and a smile.

The way back it was clear that the train had been under way a few days, felt a little more like that "we've been road tripping for a while", and I was worn out from staying at The Nugget and suffering the cigarette smoke and casino food and all that, but the scenery was amazing, the staff had character, and....

We're fully prepared to make an out and back train trip part, if not most, of our next vacation.

But I'll go back to Reno only under duress.
posted by straw at 9:25 PM on October 24, 2023 [10 favorites]

Eventually, Mark claims the top bunk and climbs up.
I hope Mark is a lot smaller than I am. I loved everything about our one roomette trip (3 days- DC-Chicago-Seattle) except the upper bunk. I'm way too claustrophobic to do that without medication.
My favorite stretch of rail that I've done more than once is on the Albany-NYC route when the train is right down along the Hudson River.
posted by MtDewd at 5:37 AM on October 25, 2023 [5 favorites]

Also, the last time I took the train (VT to DC) it was on time the whole way!
Not what I’m used to.
posted by MtDewd at 7:46 AM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]

I've taken the Coast Starlight a few times between LA and the SF bay area and loved it so much more than the <1 hour plane ride. Met people at dinner that I would never have talked to due to my general introverted demeanor. I'm really sad that the food situation seems to suck lately. And the boyfriend says that the Pacific Surfliner was a MUCH different experience than the Coast Starlight. He says he kept flashing back to Greyhound trips as a youth.

But yeah - what is wrong with people on Amtrak vis-a-vis using the restroom like a normal human being?
posted by queensissy at 1:04 PM on October 25, 2023 [2 favorites]

I once jumped off a moving train on the Amtrak route to Chicago.

I had booked a ride on Amtrak from St. Louis, Missouri to Chicago, IL in October of 2001. I had found a cheap fare to Paris, France, leaving form Chicago. Having experience many serene trips on European rail lines, I thought starting my journey on a train would be relaxing.

It was anything but that.

St. Louis' train station was a weary mobile home set beside industrial train tracks and the worst of that city's abundant inequitable segregation.

The train arrived 1 1/2 hours late. Waiting in the pre-dawn chill, watching houseless people do what was necessary on the tracks and nearby alleys. I already knew this train journey was off to a poor start.

Two hours later, the train had just crossed the Mississippi river. An estimated 4-5 hour journey was already close to 4 hours behind.

I asked the conductor if we were likely to make Chicago before my evening flight to Paris.

His reply was blunt. "No."

Was there a stop coming up where I could book a ride to the airport?

"No."

I was told my best bet was to jump from the moving train at Alton, IL. The train would slow, but wouldn't stop there. From there, I could book a taxi to the St. Louis airport and maybe catch a flight to Chicago.

Which is what I did.

The Alton Amtrak employee wasn't phased when I jumped onto the platform, strolled into the tiny lounge, and requested a partial refund.
posted by Apollo's Favorite Mistake at 1:29 PM on October 25, 2023 [12 favorites]

I loved this, from the author's Greyhound piece:

In the Atlanta terminal, a poster: PAY WITH CASH. For what, it didn’t say. Underneath was a picture of twenty dollars and a hand. Was someone buying a human hand? The human hand looked pretty clean and healthy. Good deal for a hand!
posted by mabelstreet at 2:11 PM on October 25, 2023 [5 favorites]

The hand is cursed. But it comes with a free Frogurt!
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:57 PM on October 25, 2023 [3 favorites]

(The Frogurt is also cursed.)
posted by merriment at 6:58 PM on October 25, 2023 [3 favorites]

As someone who regularly rode interstate busses during my younger days, when I couldn’t afford a car for visiting family or long distance relationship partners, and who is familiar with the discomforts that bus travel can entail but also the sheer mundanity of it, I have no patience or tolerance for the casual classism inherent in most pieces like the Greyhound piece that make fun of or exaggerate the dangers of busses and the people who ride them. (This extends to the usually classist, almost always mean-spirited introductions to the “Meanwhile” segments on Late Night with Stephen Colbert, which the Greyhound piece is of a kind with.)

I, too, have stories from my many years of bus travels before I achieved sufficient economic status to enable car ownership or flying for long distance travel in the US and Canada. Driving myself instead of taking a long distance bus is more physically comfortable and convenient; and trains are more comfortable (though also more expensive) than busses. But most of my interactions with fellow bus passengers were pleasant, with some being cherished memories even. A few were mildly annoying, because people are people and will occasionally be a little rude when they are uncomfortable; but the vast majority of people understand the social requirements of sharing public space that might not be the most physically comfortable for a more extended time. When riding the bus, you do get to see how authoritarian trends in law/immigration enforcement disproportionately impact economically and racially marginalized people in much more obvious ways than you see when flying or riding the train, and that can be unpleasant for sure; yet somehow that never seems to be a part of these “humor” pieces about bus travel.
posted by eviemath at 5:39 AM on October 26, 2023 [2 favorites]

On the last bus trip I took, I sat next to an elderly man who was relying on his phone to arrange accommodations when he got off, but it was almost out of battery and the bus's promised outlets were nonfunctional*. I had a cheap spare power bank in my laptop bag and gave it to him, to have, no strings attached, and he was so happy to receive it. I am not wealthy by any measure, but I'm glad I did it, I hope he gets a lot of use out of it.

* It didn't have the promised wifi either, I think Greyhound had closed that route a couple of years before but reopened it under contract with another company who was much more lax about services.
posted by JHarris at 8:17 AM on October 26, 2023 [3 favorites]

Amtrak train tracker
posted by chavenet at 11:37 AM on October 26, 2023

Did you make your flight to Paris, AFM?
posted by tavella at 6:31 PM on October 26, 2023