Happy Objectified Scotsman Thursday!
April 19, 2013 11:57 AM Subscribe
Good news for the baby-obsessed, kilt-chasing ladies in these books. (And yes, there's whole subsets of romance where the heroine is just dying for the hero to put a baby in her. Shudder.)
posted by fiercecupcake at 12:07 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by fiercecupcake at 12:07 PM on April 19, 2013
Also, always remember, pants are man's romances.
posted by fiercecupcake at 12:08 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by fiercecupcake at 12:08 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Sweet Tibby Mack" would be a great name for a blaxploitation movie.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:08 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:08 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
so what's the deal with scotland, anyway? how come they get their own romance subgenre?
All women secretly want to be Queen Victoria.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:13 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
All women secretly want to be Queen Victoria.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:13 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
so what's the deal with scotland, anyway? how come they get their own romance subgenre?
Redhead fetishes aren't just for men! Also: kilts, especially for women who've heard that song about the Scotsman and the blue ribbon.
posted by emjaybee at 12:18 PM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Redhead fetishes aren't just for men! Also: kilts, especially for women who've heard that song about the Scotsman and the blue ribbon.
posted by emjaybee at 12:18 PM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Lad, I don't know where you've been...but I see you won first prize!
posted by kaseijin at 12:22 PM on April 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by kaseijin at 12:22 PM on April 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
Is this the place where I confess to being completely torn between liking the idea that there are MM bad romance covers and missing feeling like any part of my life was at all transgressive?
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:24 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:24 PM on April 19, 2013
These aren't very good.
posted by Mister_A at 12:25 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Mister_A at 12:25 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh, I need this today SO BADLY.
http://wtfbadromancecovers.tumblr.com/tagged/dramatic%20reading
Headphones on. It gets better and better and better!
posted by papercake at 12:26 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
http://wtfbadromancecovers.tumblr.com/tagged/dramatic%20reading
Headphones on. It gets better and better and better!
posted by papercake at 12:26 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
But in what sense are they bad covers? I would argue that they're only bad if they misrepresent the contents. If the books are ghastly, embarrassing, horribly executed genre piffle, then these covers are precisely what they ought to be.
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:30 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:30 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
I sing Under the Scotsman's Kilt so often that my neighbors must have a pretty warped idea of who I am and what I like.
Actually, no, the idea's probably pretty accurate by now...
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:41 PM on April 19, 2013
Actually, no, the idea's probably pretty accurate by now...
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:41 PM on April 19, 2013
You Can't Tip a Buick: "so what's the deal with scotland, anyway? how come they get their own romance subgenre?"
They are welcome to it.
posted by Splunge at 12:43 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
They are welcome to it.
posted by Splunge at 12:43 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
These aren't very good.
A lot of these look like epubs. I can't imagine many of these were printed (the most excellent Feminists cover excluded).
posted by mrgrimm at 12:53 PM on April 19, 2013
A lot of these look like epubs. I can't imagine many of these were printed (the most excellent Feminists cover excluded).
posted by mrgrimm at 12:53 PM on April 19, 2013
The mother of a friend of mine writes Scottish romance novels. Think they involve time travel. Can't remember her pen name, sadly, so I'm not sure if they've been posted.
posted by dismas at 12:54 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by dismas at 12:54 PM on April 19, 2013
Your friend's mother is Beverly Crusher?
posted by The Whelk at 1:00 PM on April 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 1:00 PM on April 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
My all-time fave. The story of what the author went through to write this book is really quite something.
posted by roger ackroyd at 1:01 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by roger ackroyd at 1:01 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
As an Actual Scotsman, I'm willing to bet 90 - 95% of the authors of these things have never been to Actual Scotland, as opposed to the cheesecake tartan-bedecked Monarch of the Glen fantasyland that most of the rest of the world thinks actually exists.
posted by Happy Dave at 1:14 PM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by Happy Dave at 1:14 PM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
The Whelk: "Your friend's mother is Beverly Crusher?"
That kid doesn't have any friends.
posted by dismas at 1:16 PM on April 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
That kid doesn't have any friends.
posted by dismas at 1:16 PM on April 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
So... strawberries are the official romance novel visual metaphor for anal sex?
posted by ennui.bz at 1:38 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by ennui.bz at 1:38 PM on April 19, 2013
I think you mean "Sweet Tibby Mack" would be a great name for a scotsploitation movie.
(See these films for reference.)
posted by arkham_inmate_0801 at 1:40 PM on April 19, 2013
(See these films for reference.)
posted by arkham_inmate_0801 at 1:40 PM on April 19, 2013
So...the guy looking under the bed has lost the key to his boyfriend's handcuffs? Surely that kills the mood?
This woman is utterly terrifying. It's like staring into the void. Or maybe she's been at the medicine cabinet. In any event, I pity the doctor.
Single White Female allusion, maybe?
posted by thomas j wise at 2:04 PM on April 19, 2013
This woman is utterly terrifying. It's like staring into the void. Or maybe she's been at the medicine cabinet. In any event, I pity the doctor.
Single White Female allusion, maybe?
posted by thomas j wise at 2:04 PM on April 19, 2013
...or sometimes not at all if you're too stressed out
posted by The Whelk at 2:21 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 2:21 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Ebooks have the BEST covers. And by BEST I obviously mean WORST. Also, this book. That is magical.
posted by kariebookish at 2:25 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by kariebookish at 2:25 PM on April 19, 2013
I think you mean "Sweet Tibby Mack" would be a great name for a scotsploitation movie.
"Sweet Tibby Mack!" is my new go-to for a classroom-safe expletive.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:54 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Sweet Tibby Mack!" is my new go-to for a classroom-safe expletive.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:54 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
See Smart Bitches, Trashy Books for more romance cover fabulousness.
This recent entry is amazing (though be warned, I think a few images down it's NSFW).
posted by asperity at 2:56 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
This recent entry is amazing (though be warned, I think a few images down it's NSFW).
posted by asperity at 2:56 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
One time I was over a friends house and I noticed a huge stack of "urban romances" on her shelf.
" oh those, everyone brings one and we take turns reading them aloud until someone laughs, then they have to take a shot."
I was really put out that I had not invented Romance Novel Eye Of Argon let me tell you.
posted by The Whelk at 3:04 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
" oh those, everyone brings one and we take turns reading them aloud until someone laughs, then they have to take a shot."
I was really put out that I had not invented Romance Novel Eye Of Argon let me tell you.
posted by The Whelk at 3:04 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
( alternatively one could play this game with Skype and fanfiction.net)
posted by The Whelk at 3:05 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by The Whelk at 3:05 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
This was perhaps much more entertaining than it should have been. I clicked the "coyotes" tag and oh dear, I remember seeing that book at Chapters. (For what it's worth, it's probably a decent story, but I didn't quite get that far. The coyote does look like he wants to EAT HER RIBS.)
This is why I could never take romance novels seriously at all. To me, the phrase "romance novel" cues an image like one of those featured on the Tumblr. I can only hope that decent genre books do exist.
posted by quiet earth at 4:47 PM on April 19, 2013
This is why I could never take romance novels seriously at all. To me, the phrase "romance novel" cues an image like one of those featured on the Tumblr. I can only hope that decent genre books do exist.
posted by quiet earth at 4:47 PM on April 19, 2013
Haha, this one .. I did a double take, imagine if it (or any romance novel) were actually written by Lore, oh godddd so good.
posted by jake at 5:11 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jake at 5:11 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I actually love the painted covers. The photo covers, not so much. My local second-hand bookshop once had a collection of these, so yes, a lot of them do, or did, get printed.
Where you find them in a real bookshop I do not know /snobbish.
I did read the ones I bought for their covers. Like fanfic, some were dire and some ok. As for the gay stories, isn't it, again like fanfic, the special sort of gay that's written for straight women?
posted by glasseyes at 5:13 PM on April 19, 2013
Where you find them in a real bookshop I do not know /snobbish.
I did read the ones I bought for their covers. Like fanfic, some were dire and some ok. As for the gay stories, isn't it, again like fanfic, the special sort of gay that's written for straight women?
posted by glasseyes at 5:13 PM on April 19, 2013
Too many tags to be useful, and I couldn't find coyotes. There was, however, nuclear crotch warning.
posted by glasseyes at 5:22 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by glasseyes at 5:22 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
We used these postcards as reply cards for our wedding. My all-time favorite is this one, which we described as something like a love quadrangle between Wynnonna Judd, Shirtless Tom Selleck, '70s Robert Redford and a convertible.
posted by Madamina at 5:53 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Madamina at 5:53 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I did read the ones I bought for their covers. Like fanfic, some were dire and some ok. As for the gay stories, isn't it, again like fanfic, the special sort of gay that's written for straight women?
There are male and female authors writing gay romance novels - some come out of the slash genre (avoid anything with werewolves), but a lot are just romance novels that happen to have two men as the main characters (or two women, for lesbian romance). Lots of queer people like romances and write romances, too, just like straight people, and they are read by both queer and straight people.
posted by jb at 7:32 PM on April 19, 2013
There are male and female authors writing gay romance novels - some come out of the slash genre (avoid anything with werewolves), but a lot are just romance novels that happen to have two men as the main characters (or two women, for lesbian romance). Lots of queer people like romances and write romances, too, just like straight people, and they are read by both queer and straight people.
posted by jb at 7:32 PM on April 19, 2013
I really like the painted covers from the 80s?/late 70s? Cause they're so consistent. Long hair! Swoons! rosebuds! pastels! No depth of field! They're somewhere between pin-up and Pre-Ralphalite and Lisa Frank trapper keepers. It's very distinctive, which is the idea, something you'd notice as belonging to his X_ROMANCE NOVEL BRAND.
posted by The Whelk at 7:40 PM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 7:40 PM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Here's the link to the coyote romance novel. It's far, far from the worst of the covers, but I had to laugh when I saw this cover (with commentary) at almost the same time. But some of these aren't bad, even if their relation to the title is questionable. (Then again, maybe I'm easily swayed by pictures of horses.)
posted by quiet earth at 8:07 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by quiet earth at 8:07 PM on April 19, 2013
The mother of a friend of mine writes Scottish romance novels. Think they involve time travel. Can't remember her pen name, sadly, so I'm not sure if they've been posted.
Irvine Welsh?
posted by sebastienbailard at 8:27 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Irvine Welsh?
posted by sebastienbailard at 8:27 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Lots of queer people like romances and write romances, too, just like straight people, and they are read by both queer and straight people."
Well sure but I don't know any guys, gay or straight, that read romance novels.
posted by glasseyes at 9:41 PM on April 19, 2013
Well sure but I don't know any guys, gay or straight, that read romance novels.
posted by glasseyes at 9:41 PM on April 19, 2013
I also now JUST REALIZED that the face of the dude on the cover of MISERY'S RETURN is a caricature of Stephen King.
posted by The Whelk at 9:49 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by The Whelk at 9:49 PM on April 19, 2013
Also guys totally read romance novels but they're a romance between between the guy and the totally awesome tech/device/magic that he has mastered and no one else is good at and that means he gets to gets to have all the under age wives he wants.
posted by The Whelk at 9:56 PM on April 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 9:56 PM on April 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
Well sure but I don't know any guys, gay or straight, that read romance novels.
I met a fair number back in my librarian days. Usually older men, but that's probably because they'd reached an age at which they weren't going to let anyone judge them for their reading, ridiculous covers or not.
posted by asperity at 11:13 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I met a fair number back in my librarian days. Usually older men, but that's probably because they'd reached an age at which they weren't going to let anyone judge them for their reading, ridiculous covers or not.
posted by asperity at 11:13 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Well sure but I don't know any guys, gay or straight, that read romance novels.
Except that one of the linked covers is for a book by Andrew Grey, a male author. Given that he writes romance novels, he's probably read a few. More links about men who write romance novels.
And, particularly with ereaders, you don't know who is reading a romance novel or not.
posted by jb at 11:34 PM on April 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
Except that one of the linked covers is for a book by Andrew Grey, a male author. Given that he writes romance novels, he's probably read a few. More links about men who write romance novels.
And, particularly with ereaders, you don't know who is reading a romance novel or not.
posted by jb at 11:34 PM on April 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
E-books: the "direct-to-video" of the publishing world.
posted by ShutterBun at 12:03 AM on April 20, 2013
posted by ShutterBun at 12:03 AM on April 20, 2013
Well sure but I don't know any guys, gay or straight, that read romance novels.
They read Mass Effect fanfiction instead. *cough* Or so I've heard.
posted by MartinWisse at 1:46 AM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
They read Mass Effect fanfiction instead. *cough* Or so I've heard.
posted by MartinWisse at 1:46 AM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
My dad reads a lot of romance novels. Like. A lot.
Also this is delightful.
posted by kavasa at 5:40 AM on April 20, 2013
Also this is delightful.
posted by kavasa at 5:40 AM on April 20, 2013
proof there is nothing less sexy then a magician
Hrrrb... I guess that's a kind of robe and wizard hat...
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:00 AM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Hrrrb... I guess that's a kind of robe and wizard hat...
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:00 AM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I had a short-lived, now-deleted Tumblr of romance covers that featured unlikely phallic objects. This is wonderful.
posted by libraritarian at 8:10 AM on April 20, 2013
posted by libraritarian at 8:10 AM on April 20, 2013
Happy Dave: "As an Actual Scotsman, I'm willing to bet 90 - 95% of the authors of these things have never been to Actual Scotland, as opposed to the cheesecake tartan-bedecked Monarch of the Glen fantasyland that most of the rest of the world thinks actually exists."
Is this the No True Scotland fallacy in action?
posted by workerant at 10:38 AM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Is this the No True Scotland fallacy in action?
posted by workerant at 10:38 AM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
The Scotsman thing is about a [young/gorgeous/naive/spoiled/virginal/widowed/feminist][Englishwoman/heiress/time-traveler] yearning for escape from her [oppressive family/arranged marriage/overbearing guardian/poverty/strict gender roles/boredom], who gets kidnapped by a Scotsman [at her wedding/while asleep in bed/while journeying/while fleeing the antagonist/by accident/when crossing the border]. The [wild/savage/gentle/moral/powerful/sexy/kilted/rich] highlander treats her to a Taming of the Shrew romance while protecting her from [her family/his family/the king/being used as a political pawn/perverts]. He also helps her [get revenge/get power over her lands/avoid unwanted marriage/get off]. They fall in love and [have sex/make babies/get married].
[Castles/fortifications/sword fighting/horseback riding/simple happy peasants/rebellions/political intrigue/jilted lovers/prudish priests/arguments about gender roles/healing herbs/fairy circles/redheads/evil English lords/sex] will probably appear in some form or other.
posted by subject_verb_remainder at 4:43 PM on April 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
[Castles/fortifications/sword fighting/horseback riding/simple happy peasants/rebellions/political intrigue/jilted lovers/prudish priests/arguments about gender roles/healing herbs/fairy circles/redheads/evil English lords/sex] will probably appear in some form or other.
posted by subject_verb_remainder at 4:43 PM on April 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
The Whelk: "proof there is nothing less sexy then a magician"
It's an illusion Michael! A trick is something a whore does for money.
/GOB
posted by Mister_A at 9:55 AM on April 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's an illusion Michael! A trick is something a whore does for money.
/GOB
posted by Mister_A at 9:55 AM on April 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by subject_verb_remainder
Eponysterical!
The funny part is, you actually just made those Scottish romances sound really appealing to me...
posted by OnceUponATime at 4:29 AM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Eponysterical!
The funny part is, you actually just made those Scottish romances sound really appealing to me...
posted by OnceUponATime at 4:29 AM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:00 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]