"... this alchemist in a jar."
July 19, 2013 6:45 AM Subscribe
"The mystery of mayonnaise... is how egg yolks, vegetable oil, vinegar (wine's angry brother) salt, sugar (earth’s primal grin-energy), lemon juice, water, and naturally, a pinch of the ol’ calcium disodium EDTA could be combined in such a way to produce a condiment so versatile, satisfying, and outright majestic, that mustard, ketchup and their ilk must bow down before it (though, at two bucks a jar, mayonnaise certainly doesn't put on airs) or else slink away in disgrace. Who but the French could have wrought this gastronomic miracle? Mayonnaise is France's gift to the New World's muddled palate, a boon that combines humanity's ancient instinctive craving for the cellular warmth of pure fat with the modern, romantic fondness for complex flavors: mayo (as the lazy call it) may appear mild and prosaic, but behind its creamy veil it fairly seethes with tangy disposition. Cholesterol aside, it projects the luster that we astro-orphans have identified with well-being ever since we fell from the stars."
Origin of quote
Previously, though that post is eleven years old and many of the links are dead, so I figured I was safe.
Origin of quote
Previously, though that post is eleven years old and many of the links are dead, so I figured I was safe.
Mayo and mustard join together in a fevered embrace of deliciousness though
posted by elizardbits at 6:53 AM on July 19, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 6:53 AM on July 19, 2013 [12 favorites]
Oh god, don't make me imagine condiment slashfic....
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:54 AM on July 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:54 AM on July 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
I've never been able to figure out why mayonnaise tastes so much better whenever I have it out. Maybe I need to buy mayo from Sysco in Number 10 cans.
posted by Rob Rockets at 6:55 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Rob Rockets at 6:55 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Fyi, Trader Joe's sells an aioli garlic mustard that is super delicious on sausages and cheeses alike
posted by jetlagaddict at 6:56 AM on July 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by jetlagaddict at 6:56 AM on July 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
My wife hates mayo by itself. Put a little chipotle in--just enough to sting--and it goes on many things.
posted by notsnot at 6:57 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by notsnot at 6:57 AM on July 19, 2013
Mayo + Sriracha = Dip of the gods for fried things.
posted by petrilli at 6:58 AM on July 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by petrilli at 6:58 AM on July 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
I like Kewpie, myself. Buy it for the okonomiyaki, use it for everything else.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:58 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:58 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I once was a Hellman's devotee. But I have found another: Ottogi Gold. It has a tendency to break if stored too long but its suave zestiness is vastly superior to the unctuous tang of the other; it's better balanced.
Also, it squeezes out in a little star-shaped ribbon.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:59 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, it squeezes out in a little star-shaped ribbon.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:59 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I just know you want to see video of the immersion blender method.
posted by tapesonthefloor at 7:00 AM on July 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by tapesonthefloor at 7:00 AM on July 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
I used to hate mayonnaise with a fiery anger, but once I got into my twenties, I realized that I hated the shit like Hellman's, which is just a white sauce made of lies and despair. Once I started tasting the good stuff, and now that I make it myself, it can be a thing of wonder. And aioli is, like, one of the few truly good things in this world. Also, anyone that mocks dipping fries in mayo needs to put down the haterade. This isn't Pulp Fiction.
posted by zombieflanders at 7:01 AM on July 19, 2013 [16 favorites]
posted by zombieflanders at 7:01 AM on July 19, 2013 [16 favorites]
::shudder::
posted by IvoShandor at 7:01 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by IvoShandor at 7:01 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mayo and mustard join together in a fevered embrace of deliciousness though
aka Durkee's Famous Sauce.
posted by shothotbot at 7:02 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
aka Durkee's Famous Sauce.
posted by shothotbot at 7:02 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
GenjiandProust, I'd probably find Kewpie tasty also, but as they don't specify the oils used, I can't eat it. (I have a canola allergy.)
Ottogi is specific that they use soy oil only.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:03 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ottogi is specific that they use soy oil only.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:03 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I admire the enthusiasm for mayonnaise expressed by the pull quote.
posted by shothotbot at 7:03 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by shothotbot at 7:03 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Metafilter: the angry brother of earth's primal grin-energy
posted by seemoreglass at 7:09 AM on July 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by seemoreglass at 7:09 AM on July 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
This is where I trepidatiously mention that I like Miracle Whip (which I know is not technically mayonnaise.) I was totally unprepared the first time I made an offhand comment about Miracle Whip and got a horrified "Miracle Whip is literally the worst condiment ever in the history of mankind and you are a terrible person for liking it." response.
posted by usonian at 7:12 AM on July 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
posted by usonian at 7:12 AM on July 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
Why pick just mayonnaise or mustard? Try Stenson's Mayostard instead!
posted by Maecenas at 7:13 AM on July 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Maecenas at 7:13 AM on July 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
My mister hates mayonnaise with a passion. In fact, I'll know when he stumbles upon this post because I'll be able to hear his "ew, that's gross, get it away!" noises from 300 miles away.
posted by alynnk at 7:13 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by alynnk at 7:13 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Here is the mayonnaise I made last night to dress seared salmon, and I'm using the rest to make some potato salad tonight:
1.) Toss 2 cloves of garlic, a handful of basil leaves, some salt, and 1 lemons worth of juice in a food processor, grind until it's all chopped.
2.) Get a small brown egg, drain the white. Toss the yolk in the food processor and pulse until it's mixed in well.
3.) Add a teaspoon of canola/vegetable oil to the processor. Pulse until it's emulsified. Do this 3-4 more times. After the oil is all emulsified, you can start adding more oil at a time. Once it's almost gotten to a thick, mayo-like consistency emulsify in 2 tablespoons of fancy olive oil.
4.) Add cracked pepper and a squirt of dijon mustard, just to push it over the edge into divine.
The base recipe works great with lots of different styles besides basil/lemon/dijon. I've used sriracha and rice wine vinegar, wasabi and lime juice, chipotle peppers and apple cider vinegar, etc. It's really, really versatile and it's a neat trick.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 7:13 AM on July 19, 2013 [51 favorites]
1.) Toss 2 cloves of garlic, a handful of basil leaves, some salt, and 1 lemons worth of juice in a food processor, grind until it's all chopped.
2.) Get a small brown egg, drain the white. Toss the yolk in the food processor and pulse until it's mixed in well.
3.) Add a teaspoon of canola/vegetable oil to the processor. Pulse until it's emulsified. Do this 3-4 more times. After the oil is all emulsified, you can start adding more oil at a time. Once it's almost gotten to a thick, mayo-like consistency emulsify in 2 tablespoons of fancy olive oil.
4.) Add cracked pepper and a squirt of dijon mustard, just to push it over the edge into divine.
The base recipe works great with lots of different styles besides basil/lemon/dijon. I've used sriracha and rice wine vinegar, wasabi and lime juice, chipotle peppers and apple cider vinegar, etc. It's really, really versatile and it's a neat trick.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 7:13 AM on July 19, 2013 [51 favorites]
I always make a mess with the immersion blender, and cleaning it squicks me out. The lid to our food processor has a piece specifically designed to drip oil into the bowl; just fill it and let it rip. Works every time.
Which makes me wonder about Colt 45 mayo, and also how I didn't know that Tom Robbins had written a children's book about beer.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:13 AM on July 19, 2013
Which makes me wonder about Colt 45 mayo, and also how I didn't know that Tom Robbins had written a children's book about beer.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:13 AM on July 19, 2013
La mayonnaise et pommes frites.
posted by Mister Bijou at 7:16 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Mister Bijou at 7:16 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
RedBud makes our mayo herself. Tasty, nutritious and healthy.
and, by the way:
....Mayo and mustard join together in a fevered embrace of deliciousness though
posted by elizardbits.....
I don't mean to be unkind, but some things guarantee you a seat in the handbasket to Hell.
posted by mule98J at 7:17 AM on July 19, 2013
and, by the way:
....Mayo and mustard join together in a fevered embrace of deliciousness though
posted by elizardbits.....
I don't mean to be unkind, but some things guarantee you a seat in the handbasket to Hell.
posted by mule98J at 7:17 AM on July 19, 2013
If you are on a low-carb diet and despair because it seems that all commercial mayos contain sugar: Trader Joe's sells one that is unsweetened.
I tried making my own from scratch. I... failed.
posted by ErikaB at 7:20 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
I tried making my own from scratch. I... failed.
posted by ErikaB at 7:20 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
This is where I trepidatiously mention that I like Miracle Whip
WHIP LOVERS UNITE
(it makes the best tuna salad. The best tuna salad.)
posted by mightygodking at 7:21 AM on July 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
WHIP LOVERS UNITE
(it makes the best tuna salad. The best tuna salad.)
posted by mightygodking at 7:21 AM on July 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
No, homemade wasabi mayo makes the best tuna salad you goddamned heathen.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 7:22 AM on July 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 7:22 AM on July 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
Chicken makes the best tuna salad.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:23 AM on July 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
posted by uncleozzy at 7:23 AM on July 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
If you are on a low-carb diet and despair because it seems that all commercial mayos contain sugar
I don't get the need for sugar in mayo, either in recipes or pre-made versions. It's just not necessary.
I tried making my own from scratch. I... failed.
If you've got an immersion blender, check Kenji Alt-Lopez's recipe tapesonthefloor links to above.
posted by zombieflanders at 7:24 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't get the need for sugar in mayo, either in recipes or pre-made versions. It's just not necessary.
I tried making my own from scratch. I... failed.
If you've got an immersion blender, check Kenji Alt-Lopez's recipe tapesonthefloor links to above.
posted by zombieflanders at 7:24 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh god, don't make me imagine condiment slashfic....
Ahem.
WHIP LOVERS UNITE
Ah, the harder stuff you'll have to write yourself.
posted by kmz at 7:25 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Ahem.
WHIP LOVERS UNITE
Ah, the harder stuff you'll have to write yourself.
posted by kmz at 7:25 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'll be able to hear his "ew, that's gross, get it away!" noises from 300 miles away.
Yeah, that's my reaction to mayonnaise. I'm not crazy about the taste, which seems to overpower everything else in salads and dips, but the real "eww!" factor is from the wobbly texture and the off-white color. I'd rather watch a colonoscopy than look into an open jar of mayonnaise.
However, if you sneak just the thinnest layer into a sandwich, so thin it's nearly invisible, odds are good that I'll remark, "wow, this sandwich is great! I can't tell what it is, but it's just good."
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:26 AM on July 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
Yeah, that's my reaction to mayonnaise. I'm not crazy about the taste, which seems to overpower everything else in salads and dips, but the real "eww!" factor is from the wobbly texture and the off-white color. I'd rather watch a colonoscopy than look into an open jar of mayonnaise.
However, if you sneak just the thinnest layer into a sandwich, so thin it's nearly invisible, odds are good that I'll remark, "wow, this sandwich is great! I can't tell what it is, but it's just good."
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:26 AM on July 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
NB if you make it yourself with a regular wire whisk the calories you burn endlessly whisking it are the exact equivalent of those consumed when hungrily devouring it.
this is 100% true and factual mayonnaise science information
posted by elizardbits at 7:27 AM on July 19, 2013 [35 favorites]
this is 100% true and factual mayonnaise science information
posted by elizardbits at 7:27 AM on July 19, 2013 [35 favorites]
The world's best sandwich:
1. One home-grown tomato, sliced
2. Salt and freshly-ground pepper
3. A Firehook Bakery sourdough baguette, made fresh daily at the store a block away from work, a bargain at $1.95, same price for 10 years
4. Mayonnaise. Good stuff, Miracle Whip, homemade, storebrand, whatever, but lots of it
posted by MrMoonPie at 7:28 AM on July 19, 2013 [9 favorites]
1. One home-grown tomato, sliced
2. Salt and freshly-ground pepper
3. A Firehook Bakery sourdough baguette, made fresh daily at the store a block away from work, a bargain at $1.95, same price for 10 years
4. Mayonnaise. Good stuff, Miracle Whip, homemade, storebrand, whatever, but lots of it
posted by MrMoonPie at 7:28 AM on July 19, 2013 [9 favorites]
Wegman's light mayo mixed with whatever good pepper sauce is at hand (Crystal, or Dinosaur chipotle garlic), or just half-and-half with Trader Joe's coarse dijon mustard, essential for sandwiches. Not that I'm picky or anything.
posted by aught at 7:29 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by aught at 7:29 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mayo makes the best hamburger sauce, too. Toasted bun, thin-but-not-too-thin layer of mayonnaise on the bottom, huge slice of ripe, red tomato above, salt and pepper, and the juicy burger on top of that. This is the best hamburger.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:29 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by uncleozzy at 7:29 AM on July 19, 2013
Aioli=artisan mayo. And we all know my feelings on "artisan." [although aioli often is tasty, I admit]. I'll also cop to having a soft spot for Miracle Whip.
posted by jonmc at 7:34 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jonmc at 7:34 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I won't allow mayonnaise in my refrigerator (or it's margarine-like clone). Just looking at it makes me ill. I think it's the slight translucency combined with the greasiness.
posted by polywomp at 7:35 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by polywomp at 7:35 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
My wife makes her own mayonnaise for her deviled eggs. I remember asking her, "How long is that stuff good for?" 'What time is it now?" she asked.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:35 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:35 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
1. Take the Serious Eats stick blender mayo recipe from upthread and
2. Replace the salt with anchovies
3. Throw in some tarragon
4. Die from eating ALL THE FRIES
posted by jason_steakums at 7:38 AM on July 19, 2013 [9 favorites]
2. Replace the salt with anchovies
3. Throw in some tarragon
4. Die from eating ALL THE FRIES
posted by jason_steakums at 7:38 AM on July 19, 2013 [9 favorites]
this is 100% true and factual mayonnaise science information
Another piece of mayonnaise-science: If it fails to converge, you can aid it by adding a knife's edge worth of wash-up fluid. It takes so little that it won't affect the taste at all.
posted by springload at 7:39 AM on July 19, 2013
Another piece of mayonnaise-science: If it fails to converge, you can aid it by adding a knife's edge worth of wash-up fluid. It takes so little that it won't affect the taste at all.
posted by springload at 7:39 AM on July 19, 2013
Another piece of mayonnaise-science: If it fails to converge, you can aid it by adding a knife's edge worth of wash-up fluid. It takes so little that it won't affect the taste at all.
I usually just add in some more egg-yolk.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 7:40 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
I usually just add in some more egg-yolk.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 7:40 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Mayo is the critical first layer applied to the bottom hamburger bun because it prevents water-based condiments (and burger juices) from immediately soaking into the bun and disintegrating it.
Science!
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:44 AM on July 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
Science!
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:44 AM on July 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
I won't allow mayonnaise in my refrigerator (or it's margarine-like clone). Just looking at it makes me ill. I think it's the slight translucency combined with the greasiness.
posted by polywomp at 3:35 PM on July 19 [+] [!]
the real "eww!" factor is from the wobbly texture and the off-white color. I'd rather watch a colonoscopy than look into an open jar of mayonnaise.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:26 PM on July 19 [+] [!]
I an only assume from these comments that American mayonnaise is something spectacularly different to European mayonnaise.
posted by dng at 7:45 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by polywomp at 3:35 PM on July 19 [+] [!]
the real "eww!" factor is from the wobbly texture and the off-white color. I'd rather watch a colonoscopy than look into an open jar of mayonnaise.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:26 PM on July 19 [+] [!]
I an only assume from these comments that American mayonnaise is something spectacularly different to European mayonnaise.
posted by dng at 7:45 AM on July 19, 2013
MUSTARD BOWS TO NO ONE
I am the mustard of my fate
I am the catsup of my soul
- H. L. Chace, sort of
posted by moonmilk at 7:49 AM on July 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
I am the mustard of my fate
I am the catsup of my soul
- H. L. Chace, sort of
posted by moonmilk at 7:49 AM on July 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
dng i am certain these people encountered Miracle Whip first which cannot legally be claimed mayonnaise (it is "salad dressing") yet is sold in identical jars on the same shelves for a dollar less.
it is like being promised a kit kat bar and instead you get a cat shit bar.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:51 AM on July 19, 2013 [26 favorites]
it is like being promised a kit kat bar and instead you get a cat shit bar.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:51 AM on July 19, 2013 [26 favorites]
Metroid Baby: I'd rather watch a colonoscopy than look into an open jar of mayonnaise.
Mayo: Don't you do it! Don't! I got nowhere else to go!
posted by wensink at 7:52 AM on July 19, 2013
Mayo: Don't you do it! Don't! I got nowhere else to go!
posted by wensink at 7:52 AM on July 19, 2013
The world's best sandwich:
I make something rather like this, but with some crispy greens for a bit of crunch. Also a soft cheese if I am feeling that my diet somehow is lacking in fat.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:53 AM on July 19, 2013
I make something rather like this, but with some crispy greens for a bit of crunch. Also a soft cheese if I am feeling that my diet somehow is lacking in fat.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:53 AM on July 19, 2013
I have flagged all 'i love miracle whip' comments as offensive.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:56 AM on July 19, 2013 [29 favorites]
posted by leotrotsky at 7:56 AM on July 19, 2013 [29 favorites]
Mod note: PLEASE DO NOT FLAG PRO-MIRACLE-WHIP COMMENTS AS OFFENSIVE, HOWEVER CORRECT YOU MAY BE TO DO SO, IT JUST WASTES MY TIME AND MAKES ME HAVE TO THINK ABOUT MIRACLE WHIP ON A FRIDAY MORN—and god dammit, leo, you even stepped on my joke. You have to go read the Zingr thread as penance.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:58 AM on July 19, 2013 [31 favorites]
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:58 AM on July 19, 2013 [31 favorites]
I an only assume from these comments that American mayonnaise is something spectacularly different to European mayonnaise.
Mass-produced condiment-grade (aka takes a thousand years to spoil when in fridge) US mayo is more akin to the texture and consistency of a jelly crossed with salad cream than it is to fresh-made mayo.
posted by elizardbits at 7:58 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mass-produced condiment-grade (aka takes a thousand years to spoil when in fridge) US mayo is more akin to the texture and consistency of a jelly crossed with salad cream than it is to fresh-made mayo.
posted by elizardbits at 7:58 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am not a picky eater. Mayonnaise is one of the only foods I can think of that I actively dislike, and the only thing that will put me off a meal.
I spent years trying to figure out how to make tuna salad without it until I finally gave up. It’s just a necessary evil, the trick is to use so little you can’t tell it’s there.
posted by bongo_x at 8:01 AM on July 19, 2013
I spent years trying to figure out how to make tuna salad without it until I finally gave up. It’s just a necessary evil, the trick is to use so little you can’t tell it’s there.
posted by bongo_x at 8:01 AM on July 19, 2013
My tomatoes are inching towards ripeness. SOON.
J. Kenji López-Alt says this is an easy way to make great mayo. I have Mason jars and an immersion blender. I will try it.
posted by maudlin at 8:04 AM on July 19, 2013
J. Kenji López-Alt says this is an easy way to make great mayo. I have Mason jars and an immersion blender. I will try it.
posted by maudlin at 8:04 AM on July 19, 2013
There was a guy who got a deli shut down because he got caught adding his DNAiase to the mayonnaise.
posted by Renoroc at 8:04 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by Renoroc at 8:04 AM on July 19, 2013
I have flagged all 'i love miracle whip' comments as offensive.Now I have to go put ketchup on a hot dog, which is another thing about which I AM UNAPOLOGETIC.
posted by usonian at 8:05 AM on July 19, 2013 [12 favorites]
I still have traumatized childhood memories of watching a friend's parent make salad dressing by thinning out mayonnaise with some milk.
the horror
posted by elizardbits at 8:12 AM on July 19, 2013
the horror
posted by elizardbits at 8:12 AM on July 19, 2013
thinning out mayonnaise with some milk
imagery NSFW
posted by one more dead town's last parade at 8:16 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
imagery NSFW
posted by one more dead town's last parade at 8:16 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
NOT SAFE FOR LIFE
posted by elizardbits at 8:16 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by elizardbits at 8:16 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think you mean NSFL
posted by zombieflanders at 8:16 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by zombieflanders at 8:16 AM on July 19, 2013
I spent years trying to figure out how to make tuna salad without it until I finally gave up.
Olive oil. The good stuff - just a bit to moisten and hold the thing together. If you can find quality tunafish packed in olive oil, even better.
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:16 AM on July 19, 2013
Olive oil. The good stuff - just a bit to moisten and hold the thing together. If you can find quality tunafish packed in olive oil, even better.
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:16 AM on July 19, 2013
The trick is to throw the nasty tuna away and have a taco.
posted by elizardbits at 8:17 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 8:17 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
I still have traumatized childhood memories of watching a friend's parent make salad dressing by thinning out mayonnaise with some milk.
Thinning mayo with buttermilk and adding sour cream and herbs - this is ranch dressing. It tastes awesome.
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:18 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Thinning mayo with buttermilk and adding sour cream and herbs - this is ranch dressing. It tastes awesome.
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:18 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Mayo has got to be the world's most divisive condiment. Even with something like hot sauce, people who don't like it generally don't give a crap about it. Mayo, on the other hand, is a different beast entirely. Mayo haters (of which I am one) don't even like to think about mayo. Something about its smell and texture ... ew ew ew ew ew.
posted by evil otto at 8:21 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by evil otto at 8:21 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
For those hypothetical folks out there who think that mayo/aioli has way too little garlic and should use the white instead of the yolk, I offer you the Lebanese toum sauce, which is also fairly easy and quick to make. If you've had Lebanese food (especially at a restaurant) and wondered what the white sauce they offered was, there you go.
posted by zombieflanders at 8:25 AM on July 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
posted by zombieflanders at 8:25 AM on July 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
I have had Lebanese food and wondered what the white sauce was, because I want to eat everything with it. Thanks zombieflanders!
posted by squinty at 8:36 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by squinty at 8:36 AM on July 19, 2013
Oh, I also like this dipping sauce from Ruhlman's Twenty: macerate shallots in either lemon juice or red wine vinegar, mix with mayo. Amazing.
posted by jason_steakums at 8:38 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by jason_steakums at 8:38 AM on July 19, 2013
One of the few things I actively miss about living in Los Angeles is the amazing garlic aioli-like sauce at Zankou Chicken - or as we called it, "Garlic Crack Sauce". The toum recipe zombieflanders linked to looks very, very promising.
Hmmm. Thanks to a quick search for 'Zankou Garlic Sauce' I came across this, which posits that Zankou's secret ingredient is mashed potato... and that would definitely explain the texture that I remember.
posted by usonian at 8:40 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Hmmm. Thanks to a quick search for 'Zankou Garlic Sauce' I came across this, which posits that Zankou's secret ingredient is mashed potato... and that would definitely explain the texture that I remember.
posted by usonian at 8:40 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
I've replaced all mention of mayonnaise in this thread with Vegenaise. In my mind.
posted by orme at 8:40 AM on July 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by orme at 8:40 AM on July 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yeah, usonian, the Lebanese place I used to go to wouldn't give me the recipe, but they did tell me they used potato. I've seen other toum recipes that suggest a single potato mashed or zapped in the microwave.
posted by zombieflanders at 8:43 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by zombieflanders at 8:43 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Hmm, the potato suggestions reminds me of skordalia, but that's much thicker and there are no eggs...I feel like a taste test is in order!
I've replaced all mention of mayonnaise in this thread with Vegenaise. In my mind.
I am vegetarian and I happily eat a lot of substitutes, but vegenaise is just wrong. Just so very wrong.
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:44 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've replaced all mention of mayonnaise in this thread with Vegenaise. In my mind.
I am vegetarian and I happily eat a lot of substitutes, but vegenaise is just wrong. Just so very wrong.
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:44 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
After looking online, the only thing I can seem to find about the difference between Miracle Whip and mayonnaise is that Miracle Whip has sweeteners. I had always put them in the same category mentally.
posted by polywomp at 8:46 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by polywomp at 8:46 AM on July 19, 2013
Aioli=artisan mayo.
No, aioli is mayo made with olive oil.
I mean, you're right that when you see it listed on a menu, god knows whether it actually has any olive oil in it, and the point is that the restaurant is trying to imply that they are the sort of place that serves "artisanal" type things.
But no, really, aioli is just a thing. It wasn't invented just to terrorize you.
posted by Sara C. at 8:46 AM on July 19, 2013
No, aioli is mayo made with olive oil.
I mean, you're right that when you see it listed on a menu, god knows whether it actually has any olive oil in it, and the point is that the restaurant is trying to imply that they are the sort of place that serves "artisanal" type things.
But no, really, aioli is just a thing. It wasn't invented just to terrorize you.
posted by Sara C. at 8:46 AM on July 19, 2013
Here's a food tip to the mayo naysayers out there who can't stomach it as a standalone condiment: try adding a cup or more to a favorite chocolate cake recipe.
Sorry for the troll; I'm a proud defender of the mayonnaise.
posted by wensink at 8:49 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Sorry for the troll; I'm a proud defender of the mayonnaise.
posted by wensink at 8:49 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
All i Oli Tradicional (Valencian):
3 or 4 garlic cloves
Quality olive oil
Pinch of salt
Peel and crush garlic, add oil slowly while mixing as shown here
Notice the lack of animal protein. Try it. It might take you a while, but it is worth it.
posted by elmono at 8:51 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
3 or 4 garlic cloves
Quality olive oil
Pinch of salt
Peel and crush garlic, add oil slowly while mixing as shown here
Notice the lack of animal protein. Try it. It might take you a while, but it is worth it.
posted by elmono at 8:51 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Mayo is the secret ingredient to cook fish in phyllo without drying out. Many a great dinner has fish wrapped in phyllo be deliciously moist and seasoned with mayo as part of the arsenal. Yes, that includes fatty fish like salmon. It allows you more flexibility in timing the cooking. The mayo basically, disappears and when your fork cuts into that crackly phyllo there is no sauce but the flavorful juice of the fish.
posted by jadepearl at 8:53 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by jadepearl at 8:53 AM on July 19, 2013
No, aioli is mayo made with olive oil.
Aioli is mayonnaise with garlic.
You can look it up.
posted by Wolof at 8:54 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Aioli is mayonnaise with garlic.
You can look it up.
posted by Wolof at 8:54 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
My canoeing partner is a Mayo person, I am a Miracle Whip person. The (not-in-seriousness) arguments we have had in the middle of abso-fucking-nowhere while paddling across immense lakes under blazing skies, or huddled on foreign shores in the midst of massive thunder storms are legendary.
posted by edgeways at 8:55 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by edgeways at 8:55 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Aioli is mayonnaise with garlic.
Either way, it's certainly not just a pretentious name for "artisanal" mayonnaise.
posted by Sara C. at 8:57 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Either way, it's certainly not just a pretentious name for "artisanal" mayonnaise.
posted by Sara C. at 8:57 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mayo is the secret ingredient to crispy-brown but not burnt grilled cheese.
Yes, I mean on the outside.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:57 AM on July 19, 2013
Yes, I mean on the outside.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:57 AM on July 19, 2013
'Aioli' is how you get American snobs to eat mayonaise at your restaurant. It's any emulsion of cooking oil, an acid, and garlic. Traditionally you use an egg yolk as the binding agent, but there are lots of alternatives.
Veganaise really is the same thing: you don't eat mayo for the taste of the egg yolk, you eat it because it's basically whipped fat.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 9:02 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Veganaise really is the same thing: you don't eat mayo for the taste of the egg yolk, you eat it because it's basically whipped fat.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 9:02 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Mayo is the secret ingredient to crispy-brown but not burnt grilled cheese.
Or you could butter the inside of the bread and fry it in olive oil!
posted by elizardbits at 9:03 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Or you could butter the inside of the bread and fry it in olive oil!
posted by elizardbits at 9:03 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
You can look it up.
Traditional aioli in Provence is made with just garlic and olive oil. However, even in Provence, many chefs and cooks prefer to add egg yoke.
You can look it up.
posted by Mister Bijou at 9:06 AM on July 19, 2013
Traditional aioli in Provence is made with just garlic and olive oil. However, even in Provence, many chefs and cooks prefer to add egg yoke.
You can look it up.
posted by Mister Bijou at 9:06 AM on July 19, 2013
Sara C: I admitted to liking some aiolis, check my history with 'artisan' to see what I mean.
posted by jonmc at 9:07 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by jonmc at 9:07 AM on July 19, 2013
Baconaise, Spicy Duckonaise Mayo, Garlic Beefonaise, yummm
posted by snaparapans at 9:10 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by snaparapans at 9:10 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Traditional aioli in Provence is made with just garlic and olive oil. However, even in Provence, many chefs and cooks prefer to add egg yoke.
So what have you proved here? That, generally speaking, aioli is mayonnaise with garlic?
Nice work!
posted by Wolof at 9:11 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
So what have you proved here? That, generally speaking, aioli is mayonnaise with garlic?
Nice work!
posted by Wolof at 9:11 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
ah... now we see the violence inherent in the system. The Mayonnaise lovers turn upon themselves and splinter into multiple factions over issues of purity and garlic.
[/professorial pompous mode]
Splitters!
posted by edgeways at 9:14 AM on July 19, 2013 [11 favorites]
[/professorial pompous mode]
Splitters!
posted by edgeways at 9:14 AM on July 19, 2013 [11 favorites]
Mayo is the secret ingredient to crispy-brown but not burnt grilled cheese.
Or you could butter the inside of the bread and fry it in olive oil!
Actually, the "spreadable" butter (butter blended with olive oil) works the best for Grilled Cheese. Also, shredded rather than sliced cheese.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:21 AM on July 19, 2013
Or you could butter the inside of the bread and fry it in olive oil!
Actually, the "spreadable" butter (butter blended with olive oil) works the best for Grilled Cheese. Also, shredded rather than sliced cheese.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:21 AM on July 19, 2013
Yum, salmonella in spreadable format!
posted by en forme de poire at 9:27 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by en forme de poire at 9:27 AM on July 19, 2013
Thomas Pynchon Offers a History of the Cult of Mayonnaise (And Some Hat-Fetishism)
posted by chavenet at 9:31 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by chavenet at 9:31 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
I grew up with Miracle Whip as the household 'mayonnaise', and disliking it intensely. I still shudder at the though of my mom's favorite sandwich-liverwurst and Miracle Whip (oh, that smell will linger with me until I die). I disdained 'mayonnaise' for years, not realizing there was real mayonnaise out there. Now I like it, in small amounts, though not generally on potato salads or the like.
posted by ElleElle at 9:36 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by ElleElle at 9:36 AM on July 19, 2013
mmmm…Zankou Chicken….
The go to meal for "I don’t care, something quick and easy, not tacos again".
posted by bongo_x at 9:51 AM on July 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
The go to meal for "I don’t care, something quick and easy, not tacos again".
posted by bongo_x at 9:51 AM on July 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
Have we really gone this far in a mayo thread without any mention of Duke's? It's the only mayo to use for pimiento cheese, which is mayonnaise's highest calling, so it's obviously the perfect mayo.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:53 AM on July 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:53 AM on July 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
Ick! The number of times I have thrown away an otherwise perfectly edible sandwich, because I forgot to utter the phrase "no mayo"...
posted by littlejohnnyjewel at 10:10 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by littlejohnnyjewel at 10:10 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Nice pics from Ruhlman.. recipe too, and proof to debunk the myth that menstruating women cannot make mayonnaise.
posted by snaparapans at 10:11 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by snaparapans at 10:11 AM on July 19, 2013
In honor of this post, and the most noble condiments, I just ate a tablespoon of Mayo.
Whoever it was at Hellmans who said "hey, let's put this in squeeze bottles" is a goddamn genius.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:12 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Whoever it was at Hellmans who said "hey, let's put this in squeeze bottles" is a goddamn genius.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:12 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
check my history with 'artisan' to see what I mean.
Having lived in Brooklyn for a decade or so, I know exactly what you mean.
But the nice thing about foods like aioli is that they exist as their own specific thing apart from the pretentiousness of restaurant menus. You can be totally unpretentious and like aioli. It's just a food.
posted by Sara C. at 10:14 AM on July 19, 2013
Having lived in Brooklyn for a decade or so, I know exactly what you mean.
But the nice thing about foods like aioli is that they exist as their own specific thing apart from the pretentiousness of restaurant menus. You can be totally unpretentious and like aioli. It's just a food.
posted by Sara C. at 10:14 AM on July 19, 2013
Clearly I need to check out this Zankou Chicken thing.
posted by Sara C. at 10:15 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Sara C. at 10:15 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I thought I loved Mayo until I moved to Chile.
Chileans love Mayo.
posted by saul wright at 10:18 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Chileans love Mayo.
posted by saul wright at 10:18 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
My god mayonnaise. I love mayonnaise. My favorite snack for the past few months is a squirt line of Kewpie on crispy romaine leaves. No need to muck it up with any other flavors.
As a side rant, what is up with the ranchification of all dressings creamy? I normally don't encounter ranch dressing on my day to day, but once I leave the city (where all restaurant salads come pre-dressed in whatever the chef has determined the appropriate dressing for the ingredients in the salad) it seems that the only options available are some variation of a "ranch" dressing: dijon ranch, peppercorn ranch, spicy ranch, parmesian ranch. And they all taste exactly the same, flavorless fake cream texture with a little bit of tangy.
Even buffalo wings no longer get the amazing blue cheese dressing on the side...it's been demoted to ranch something or other. It is a crime and it needs to be stopped.
posted by newpotato at 10:24 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
As a side rant, what is up with the ranchification of all dressings creamy? I normally don't encounter ranch dressing on my day to day, but once I leave the city (where all restaurant salads come pre-dressed in whatever the chef has determined the appropriate dressing for the ingredients in the salad) it seems that the only options available are some variation of a "ranch" dressing: dijon ranch, peppercorn ranch, spicy ranch, parmesian ranch. And they all taste exactly the same, flavorless fake cream texture with a little bit of tangy.
Even buffalo wings no longer get the amazing blue cheese dressing on the side...it's been demoted to ranch something or other. It is a crime and it needs to be stopped.
posted by newpotato at 10:24 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Clearly I need to check out this Zankou Chicken thing.Yes. Yes you do.
posted by usonian at 10:32 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am vegetarian and I happily eat a lot of substitutes, but vegenaise is just wrong. Just so very wrong.
posted by jetlagaddict at 11:44 AM on July 19
YOU ARE WRONG.
You must eat the vegenaise in the jar with the blue lid. The other versions may be somewhat wrong.
posted by orme at 10:34 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by jetlagaddict at 11:44 AM on July 19
YOU ARE WRONG.
You must eat the vegenaise in the jar with the blue lid. The other versions may be somewhat wrong.
posted by orme at 10:34 AM on July 19, 2013
Well, here in France things are deliciously diverse.
We've got mayonnaise made with Dijon mustard. Actually, most are, though some use more than others, gives a nice punch.
Mayonnaise made with wasabi. (Delicious with smoked herring, I tell you.)
Mayonnaise made with your choice of olive/sunflower/etc. oil.
Mayonnaise with a dash of lemon. (Also good with fish.)
And aïoli a - i umlaut - o - l - i, heathens. Taken from Lou Sourgentin, a Niçois version of the sauce, for the benefit of y'all non-Nice-inhabiting peeps:
posted by fraula at 10:38 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
We've got mayonnaise made with Dijon mustard. Actually, most are, though some use more than others, gives a nice punch.
Mayonnaise made with wasabi. (Delicious with smoked herring, I tell you.)
Mayonnaise made with your choice of olive/sunflower/etc. oil.
Mayonnaise with a dash of lemon. (Also good with fish.)
And aïoli a - i umlaut - o - l - i, heathens. Taken from Lou Sourgentin, a Niçois version of the sauce, for the benefit of y'all non-Nice-inhabiting peeps:
Half to three-quarters of a liter of Bellet olive oil (the olive oil is AOC just like Bellet wines)No directions because, duh, this is southeastern France, even local heathens know how to mix together aïoli, and to eat it with freshly-cooked potatoes, white fish, a steamed zucchini, and if you like it also goes well with snails. Mmmm. Snails.
2 egg yolks
6-8 garlic cloves
Salt to taste
Lemon juice as desired
posted by fraula at 10:38 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Ranch dressing is bullshit. There is nothing good about it - it's like if you added a bunch of MSG to Miracle Whip and skim milk or something. Buffalo wings should be served with blue cheese dressing, period. Preferably chunky blue cheese so you have to balance the chunks of blue cheese on the wings after dipping them. And blue cheese dressing is basically mayo with a bunch of blue cheese and maybe some worcestershire sauce and pepper and other spices thrown in. If I went to a Buffalo Wings place and they had ranch but not blue cheese, I would call the FDA.
posted by Cookiebastard at 10:39 AM on July 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Cookiebastard at 10:39 AM on July 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
Another vote for Miracle Whip, though I like aiolis and mayo with mustards, I just can't get over the unctuous blandness of mayo on it's own — Undercover Brother gets it right.
posted by klangklangston at 10:44 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by klangklangston at 10:44 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
And for Metro Detroiters, La Shish/Palms Palace's toum is, like, a formative taste. It makes you give a pitying headshake to everyone eating at Zankou.
posted by klangklangston at 10:45 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by klangklangston at 10:45 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Chileans love Mayo.
This must be a Latin American thing, because every chicken place in the DC area (where there are a lot of Latin immigrants) seems to have their own variation on mayo or a mayo-mustard combo. The addition of finely ground pepper like aji amarillo seems to be especially popular.
posted by zombieflanders at 11:00 AM on July 19, 2013
This must be a Latin American thing, because every chicken place in the DC area (where there are a lot of Latin immigrants) seems to have their own variation on mayo or a mayo-mustard combo. The addition of finely ground pepper like aji amarillo seems to be especially popular.
posted by zombieflanders at 11:00 AM on July 19, 2013
Even compared to other Latinos, Chilenos really really love mayo.
posted by saul wright at 11:05 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by saul wright at 11:05 AM on July 19, 2013
Maecenas: "Why pick just mayonnaise or mustard? Try Stenson's Mayostard instead!"
Hell no! VAUNNIES MUSTARDAYONAISSE...
posted by symbioid at 11:06 AM on July 19, 2013
Hell no! VAUNNIES MUSTARDAYONAISSE...
posted by symbioid at 11:06 AM on July 19, 2013
Was this inspired by the other day's (yesterday?) metachat about mayo? Cuz if not, awesome synchronicity.
Which is funny because I also saw a truck on my way to work that was for Miracle Whip and said "honk if you're not mayo" and I'm like Fuck That! MAYO FOREVER.
Then someone said that Miracle Whip vs Mustard was one way to see a class division, and I can see that. Though I wonder about my parents, now. I feel like they had mayo and miracle whip, and I never ate either until I grew up... My guess is, based on class, it was miracle whip they used. Maybe that's why I didn't like it, not realizing it wasn't really mayo. Cuz blech.
posted by symbioid at 11:08 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Which is funny because I also saw a truck on my way to work that was for Miracle Whip and said "honk if you're not mayo" and I'm like Fuck That! MAYO FOREVER.
Then someone said that Miracle Whip vs Mustard was one way to see a class division, and I can see that. Though I wonder about my parents, now. I feel like they had mayo and miracle whip, and I never ate either until I grew up... My guess is, based on class, it was miracle whip they used. Maybe that's why I didn't like it, not realizing it wasn't really mayo. Cuz blech.
posted by symbioid at 11:08 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm firmly in the pro-ranch dressing corner. I love it. I will dunk fried things in it. I prefer the fresh buttermilky good stuff, but I'll take the junky partially-hydrogenated goo with its unidentifiable green "herb" specks.
That said, I don't need it on everything. I don't need it to make my vegetables palatable, I don't need to put it on fried chicken sandwiches, and I don't need twenty different flavors of it. I'd be perfectly happy if there was about 90% less ranch dressing in the world.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:09 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
That said, I don't need it on everything. I don't need it to make my vegetables palatable, I don't need to put it on fried chicken sandwiches, and I don't need twenty different flavors of it. I'd be perfectly happy if there was about 90% less ranch dressing in the world.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:09 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Cookiebastard: "Ranch dressing is bullshit. "
Does your mother know you have such a filthy mouth???
posted by symbioid at 11:10 AM on July 19, 2013
Does your mother know you have such a filthy mouth???
posted by symbioid at 11:10 AM on July 19, 2013
hello 911 yes i'd like to report ranch dressing
posted by elizardbits at 11:10 AM on July 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 11:10 AM on July 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
If I went to a Buffalo Wings place and they had ranch but not blue cheese, I would call the FDA.People who have never had properly made and properly served Buffalo Wings tend to be pretty cavalier about them. The further you get from Buffalo, the more likely a restaurant is to define Buffalo Wings as "Served soaking wet in any old orange-ish hot sauce with any old light-colored sauce on the side." And good luck with the celery. If you get it at all it's thrown in with the wings and all rubbery by the time you get it home.
posted by usonian at 11:13 AM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
I was kinda fascinated with the How to Cook Like Heston eggs episode where they showed just how much oil one yolk could emulsify.
posted by jason_steakums at 11:16 AM on July 19, 2013
posted by jason_steakums at 11:16 AM on July 19, 2013
Maecenas: "Why pick just mayonnaise or mustard? Try Stenson's Mayostard yt instead!"
Hell no! VAUNNIES MUSTARDAYONAISSE ...
dij dij dij dijonnaise
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 11:17 AM on July 19, 2013
Hell no! VAUNNIES MUSTARDAYONAISSE ...
dij dij dij dijonnaise
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 11:17 AM on July 19, 2013
I am pro-mayonnaise, but it did indirectly result in one of the biggest scares of my life. Bear with me.
When I was in grad school, my fiance had an absurdly early wake-up time because he worked in a different state (4am to be at work by 7). Being a person with no concept of "bedtime," exacerbated by graduate theatre school, often our modus operandi would be that I would stay up until 4, help him wake up and get something in the toaster for breakfast, and then go to sleep; that is, when I couldn't pretend I was already asleep and hadn't stayed up too late by diving under the covers ten minutes before the alarm went off, something I had perfected. I was anticipating doing the same that night, but I was also hungry, so I went to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich that would only be complete with mayo. Thinking I had time but sort of nervously keeping watch of the clock, I didn't notice creeping footsteps behind me. I was putting my mayo-laden knife to the bread, when suddenly I heard a booming, deep, sepulchral voice behind me.
"MAY-O-NNAISE." it said.
I shrieked and jumped three feet in the air, knife and mayo flying. I was briefly, for that instant, positive that the Mayonnaise Marauder, a guy I had just made up, had broken into my apartment and was going to bludgeon me over a condiment. Hands now covered with mayo like some sort of eggy Lady Macbeth, I turned around, to see, of course, my fiance, who had gotten up 15 minutes early and thought I had seen him approaching.
This is a stupid story, really, but I now think of the Mayonnaise Marauder, crusader for condiment justice, every time I use mayonnaise. I've been told that overuse could give me a heart attack, but I don't think that's what anyone had in mind.
posted by ilana at 11:23 AM on July 19, 2013 [10 favorites]
When I was in grad school, my fiance had an absurdly early wake-up time because he worked in a different state (4am to be at work by 7). Being a person with no concept of "bedtime," exacerbated by graduate theatre school, often our modus operandi would be that I would stay up until 4, help him wake up and get something in the toaster for breakfast, and then go to sleep; that is, when I couldn't pretend I was already asleep and hadn't stayed up too late by diving under the covers ten minutes before the alarm went off, something I had perfected. I was anticipating doing the same that night, but I was also hungry, so I went to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich that would only be complete with mayo. Thinking I had time but sort of nervously keeping watch of the clock, I didn't notice creeping footsteps behind me. I was putting my mayo-laden knife to the bread, when suddenly I heard a booming, deep, sepulchral voice behind me.
"MAY-O-NNAISE." it said.
I shrieked and jumped three feet in the air, knife and mayo flying. I was briefly, for that instant, positive that the Mayonnaise Marauder, a guy I had just made up, had broken into my apartment and was going to bludgeon me over a condiment. Hands now covered with mayo like some sort of eggy Lady Macbeth, I turned around, to see, of course, my fiance, who had gotten up 15 minutes early and thought I had seen him approaching.
This is a stupid story, really, but I now think of the Mayonnaise Marauder, crusader for condiment justice, every time I use mayonnaise. I've been told that overuse could give me a heart attack, but I don't think that's what anyone had in mind.
posted by ilana at 11:23 AM on July 19, 2013 [10 favorites]
People who have never had properly made and properly served Buffalo Wings tend to be pretty cavalier about them. The further you get from Buffalo, the more likely a restaurant is to define Buffalo Wings as "Served soaking wet in any old orange-ish hot sauce with any old light-colored sauce on the side." And good luck with the celery. If you get it at all it's thrown in with the wings and all rubbery by the time you get it home.
ITYM "The further you get from Duffs"
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 11:29 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
ITYM "The further you get from Duffs"
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 11:29 AM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Bearnaise sauce is the undisputed champion of all the emulsified fat sauces, and I will fight anyone who disagrees.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 11:44 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
1/4 cup tarragon vinegarI find it best to add the yolk to the cold pan first, then put on the heat, add a bit of melted butter and then vinegar, then gradually add the rest, never letting the whisk rest until you are done.
one large julienned shallot
some whole peppercorns
a fistful of chervil
1/2 cup of melted butter
1 egg yolk
pinch of salt
2 small pats of cold butter for emergencies
simmer the vinegar with the shallot and peppercorns on med/low until reduced by a little less than half, or about 15 minutes
in a bain marie, combine yolk, salt, melted butter, vinegar reduction and a few teaspoons of ice water (to control temperature and consistency) while whisking frantically
add chopped chervil to the sauce once taken off the heat
posted by [expletive deleted] at 11:44 AM on July 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Making homemade mayo is kitchen magic on par with making cream into butter. It's just a magic moment. I understand what is going on but it still MAKES NO SENSE. Wonderous. Everytime I make it, I make my husband look inside the cup and I make "OMG, isn't it amazing?" noises.
posted by Foam Pants at 12:36 PM on July 19, 2013
posted by Foam Pants at 12:36 PM on July 19, 2013
Mayonaise and Dijon Mustard neck and neck at our house.
Miracle Whip? GTFO of this thread!
Bleah. Just...go.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:06 PM on July 19, 2013
Miracle Whip? GTFO of this thread!
Bleah. Just...go.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:06 PM on July 19, 2013
Haters of Miracle Whip: Is it just the taste? Is it the fact that it's made by a mega corporation and not-quite-mayo according to the FDA (and therefore suspect)? Some childhood trauma? Something else? To me it doesn't taste that different than any of the big brand mayos on the shelf, at least not different enough to elicit the virulent hatred that it does.
The first person who flipped out on me about Miracle Whip said something along the lines of "Ewww, what, do you live in a trailer park?" which I thought was peculiar.
posted by usonian at 1:27 PM on July 19, 2013
The first person who flipped out on me about Miracle Whip said something along the lines of "Ewww, what, do you live in a trailer park?" which I thought was peculiar.
posted by usonian at 1:27 PM on July 19, 2013
Ranch dressing is bullshit. There is nothing good about it
Ranch dressing consists of every creamy white thing in your refrigerator plus half the herbs in your herb pot. There is EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT IT.
posted by gerstle at 1:30 PM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ranch dressing consists of every creamy white thing in your refrigerator plus half the herbs in your herb pot. There is EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT IT.
posted by gerstle at 1:30 PM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
usonian, speaking only for myself, it's the taste. I like egg salad and tuna salad and those things in particular are literally inedible with Miracle Whip. yuck yuck yuck.
posted by gerstle at 1:31 PM on July 19, 2013
posted by gerstle at 1:31 PM on July 19, 2013
I can't believe no one has mentioned Duke's mayonnaise yet.
Duke's mayonnaise.
There is no other worth mentioning.
(And miracle whip? The miracle is that anyone would eat that slop.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:42 PM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Duke's mayonnaise.
There is no other worth mentioning.
(And miracle whip? The miracle is that anyone would eat that slop.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:42 PM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I was kinda fascinated with the How to Cook Like Heston eggs episode where they showed just how much oil one yolk could emulsify
According to Harold McGee in The Curious Cook freezing the yolks, and then thawing allows them to emulsify more oil. One third yolk to one cup of oil. This became standard for commercial mayo manufacturers in the 1920's.
Freeze a whole yolk for 4 hours, or freeze equal volume of beaten yolk and water for 24 hours, or freeze beaten egg with lemon juice for 8 hours... then mix in your sauce.
from page 123-4 Curious Cook by Harold McGee.
posted by snaparapans at 2:46 PM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
According to Harold McGee in The Curious Cook freezing the yolks, and then thawing allows them to emulsify more oil. One third yolk to one cup of oil. This became standard for commercial mayo manufacturers in the 1920's.
Freeze a whole yolk for 4 hours, or freeze equal volume of beaten yolk and water for 24 hours, or freeze beaten egg with lemon juice for 8 hours... then mix in your sauce.
from page 123-4 Curious Cook by Harold McGee.
posted by snaparapans at 2:46 PM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
The 'class' thing about miracle whip has come up a few times now and I wonder about it. Why do people seem to associate it with loiw class, and why is that a bad thing?
All you 'I will fight...' folks -come on if you think your hard enough-
posted by edgeways at 3:08 PM on July 19, 2013
All you 'I will fight...' folks -come on if you think your hard enough-
posted by edgeways at 3:08 PM on July 19, 2013
Miracle whip is like cheap ice cream where they add gums to make it thick. Yuck. Real mayo is OK but Gulden's mustard rules over all the other inferior condiments.
usonian: "Now I have to go put ketchup on a hot dog, which is another thing about which I AM UNAPOLOGETIC."
Please tell us about other disgusting things that you eat the wrong way.
posted by double block and bleed at 3:58 PM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
usonian: "Now I have to go put ketchup on a hot dog, which is another thing about which I AM UNAPOLOGETIC."
Please tell us about other disgusting things that you eat the wrong way.
posted by double block and bleed at 3:58 PM on July 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I ADORE mayonnaise. Like, I could go through one of those giant Costco tubs every other week, if I let myself. And I say with authority: THE BEST MAYO IS TO BE FOUND IN PERU. Perhaps elsewhere in Latin America, too, but not in Mexico -- at least, judging by what I find in Mexican grocery stores here in the U.S. (I thought I'd give that a try, just in case). Nothing I've found in the U.S. can rival any brand of Peruvian mayo, which has some special secret ingredient in it that I suspect is addictive. Like, I don't know, crack.
posted by artemisia at 4:02 PM on July 19, 2013
posted by artemisia at 4:02 PM on July 19, 2013
Miracle Whip has a somewhat stronger flavor than its brother Kraft Mayonnaise (but I cringe when the advertiser calls it a "tangy zip") and that flavor is more "sweet" than anything else, making it addictive to some, offensive to others. But it also has less than half the fat and calories of mayo (and "Miracle Whip Light" half that, with minimal taste difference). If you're just using it as a 'moisture barrier' in a sandwich to keep the bread from getting soggy, or in a sandwich that has more than one other dominant flavor (like a BLT with good bacon and GOOD tomatoes), even the snobs should tolerate it if they don't know it's there.
I'm fine with using it for all MY mayo-related purposes, but I also grew up with it (blame my parents).
Other condiments:
Mustard: Guldens. Never yellow, please. Dijon? Meh. Some house brands (Trader Joe's) are almost as good, but just get Gulden's when it's on sale.
Ranch Dressing: Hidden Valley. Still better than the others, but that's not saying much (Hidden Valley also has a Coleslaw dressing that, if you want the easy way out with a pile of shredded cabbage, is the most tolerable way to go). But yes, I'd rather have Blue Cheese Dressing, and by that I mean Bob's Big Boy refrigerated dressing (16 oz. jar, picture of Big Boy Burger mascot on front). My apologies if it's not available where you are, but you really should move to California.
Other dressing: Ken's Steak House brand makes some tolerable versions of the usual suspects and one surprisingly perfect semi-unique dressing Light Sweet Vidalia Onion Dressing. There is no not-light version. It's more reasonable in calories, it's sweetness is unique. There are lots of sweet dressings out there, but this works for me.
Pickle Relish: Mount Olive. A few stores also carry a "Bread and Butter Relish" from them that uses much larger pieces of chopped pickle and just. makes. everything. better.
Horseradish: Tulelake brand. NOT the creamed. I have tender tastebuds; my 17 ounce bottle of Sriracha will probably last me five years (and I really really like it), but the only add-on hotness that I can easily tolerate is horseradish, and the best I've found is this, probably just regional brand. Like I said, move to California.
I won't even start to get into Salsas, because finding wonderfulness that doesn't go over "Medium" on the heat scale was one of the most difficult tasks of my tasting life. But my local Costco has two refrigerated varieties that I like enough that I can buy their 48 ounce jars and know they'll be consumed before their expiration date.
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:32 PM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm fine with using it for all MY mayo-related purposes, but I also grew up with it (blame my parents).
Other condiments:
Mustard: Guldens. Never yellow, please. Dijon? Meh. Some house brands (Trader Joe's) are almost as good, but just get Gulden's when it's on sale.
Ranch Dressing: Hidden Valley. Still better than the others, but that's not saying much (Hidden Valley also has a Coleslaw dressing that, if you want the easy way out with a pile of shredded cabbage, is the most tolerable way to go). But yes, I'd rather have Blue Cheese Dressing, and by that I mean Bob's Big Boy refrigerated dressing (16 oz. jar, picture of Big Boy Burger mascot on front). My apologies if it's not available where you are, but you really should move to California.
Other dressing: Ken's Steak House brand makes some tolerable versions of the usual suspects and one surprisingly perfect semi-unique dressing Light Sweet Vidalia Onion Dressing. There is no not-light version. It's more reasonable in calories, it's sweetness is unique. There are lots of sweet dressings out there, but this works for me.
Pickle Relish: Mount Olive. A few stores also carry a "Bread and Butter Relish" from them that uses much larger pieces of chopped pickle and just. makes. everything. better.
Horseradish: Tulelake brand. NOT the creamed. I have tender tastebuds; my 17 ounce bottle of Sriracha will probably last me five years (and I really really like it), but the only add-on hotness that I can easily tolerate is horseradish, and the best I've found is this, probably just regional brand. Like I said, move to California.
I won't even start to get into Salsas, because finding wonderfulness that doesn't go over "Medium" on the heat scale was one of the most difficult tasks of my tasting life. But my local Costco has two refrigerated varieties that I like enough that I can buy their 48 ounce jars and know they'll be consumed before their expiration date.
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:32 PM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
For all the mustard partisans in this thread: this is the best. look no further.
posted by jonmc at 5:58 PM on July 19, 2013
posted by jonmc at 5:58 PM on July 19, 2013
Mayonnaise is very tasty, though given that it's essentially just a big pile of fat, that fact is unsurprising. (I'm reminded of a brief spate of articles which were shocked, shocked that famous restaurants' and TV chef's meals were unhealthy and full of butter.) I've started making it myself when I have a yolk going spare, and I was amazed at how easy it is to whisk up if you're patient.
I have to agree that Bearnaise is definitely a cut above though. I like to pretend that someone took the concept of mayonnaise, then imbued it with the power of bears.
posted by lucidium at 6:15 PM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have to agree that Bearnaise is definitely a cut above though. I like to pretend that someone took the concept of mayonnaise, then imbued it with the power of bears.
posted by lucidium at 6:15 PM on July 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Nothing I've found in the U.S. can rival any brand of Peruvian mayo, which has some special secret ingredient in it that I suspect is addictive.
coca leaves and llama essence
posted by elizardbits at 6:17 PM on July 19, 2013
coca leaves and llama essence
posted by elizardbits at 6:17 PM on July 19, 2013
I once accidentally put Peruvian mayonnaise in my coffee.
It was my first morning in Peru. I walked into a diner type breakfast place. I want to say it was one of those ubiquitous "broaster" chicken chains, with a Denny's-esque aesthetic. Roky's? Pardo's?
I ordered some sort of breakfast combo plate with eggs, toast, maybe a meat? It came with coffee.
I had not yet had any coffee that morning.
My order in, I sat back in my vinyl upholstered banquette, reading the Lonely Planet and congratulating myself for ordering entirely in Spanish without any embarrassing misunderstandings.
Luckily, the waitress came back pretty quickly with the coffee. On her tray was a cup of coffee, one of those little cubes of sugar packets, and a cream colored squeeze bottle full of, I assumed, milk.
I squeezed some "milk" into my coffee. It was... viscous. OK, so it's condensed milk, or maybe some kind of non-dairy creamer we don't have in the states. That's cool. I can handle that.
I begin to stir.
And stir.
And stir.
The condensed milk/creamer simply did NOT want to integrate into the coffee. Instead it floated at the top of the cup in fatty little globules. WTF? But, OK, Peru is not a rich country. I was probably making some kind of First World assumption about how non-dairy creamer should behave.
I picked up the mug and raised it to my lips.
Just then, the waitress came back with the rest of my breakfast on her tray.
My hand hesitated with the coffee, halfway up to my lips.
"That's mayonnaise," the waitress said. In Spanish, obviously. Deadpan.
My eyes bug.
Why the everliving fuck would you bring someone a cup of coffee with sugar and mayonnaise? I didn't even order anything you'd typically put mayonnaise on. It's breakfast. There were no other condiments. Just mayonnaise and the coffee stuff. To be perfectly honest, I'm still confused about this, years later.
But I tried to be cool. "Can I have another coffee and some milk?" I asked, in Spanish.
"You only get one coffee with the breakfast combo. And milk is thirty cents extra."
"That's no problem, I'll pay."
Five minutes later I was happily ensconced in a fresh coffee with real milk, to go with my lovely bacon-and-eggs breakfast. It was delicious. None of it -- even the coffee -- seemed to require mayonnaise.
posted by Sara C. at 6:37 PM on July 19, 2013 [10 favorites]
It was my first morning in Peru. I walked into a diner type breakfast place. I want to say it was one of those ubiquitous "broaster" chicken chains, with a Denny's-esque aesthetic. Roky's? Pardo's?
I ordered some sort of breakfast combo plate with eggs, toast, maybe a meat? It came with coffee.
I had not yet had any coffee that morning.
My order in, I sat back in my vinyl upholstered banquette, reading the Lonely Planet and congratulating myself for ordering entirely in Spanish without any embarrassing misunderstandings.
Luckily, the waitress came back pretty quickly with the coffee. On her tray was a cup of coffee, one of those little cubes of sugar packets, and a cream colored squeeze bottle full of, I assumed, milk.
I squeezed some "milk" into my coffee. It was... viscous. OK, so it's condensed milk, or maybe some kind of non-dairy creamer we don't have in the states. That's cool. I can handle that.
I begin to stir.
And stir.
And stir.
The condensed milk/creamer simply did NOT want to integrate into the coffee. Instead it floated at the top of the cup in fatty little globules. WTF? But, OK, Peru is not a rich country. I was probably making some kind of First World assumption about how non-dairy creamer should behave.
I picked up the mug and raised it to my lips.
Just then, the waitress came back with the rest of my breakfast on her tray.
My hand hesitated with the coffee, halfway up to my lips.
"That's mayonnaise," the waitress said. In Spanish, obviously. Deadpan.
My eyes bug.
Why the everliving fuck would you bring someone a cup of coffee with sugar and mayonnaise? I didn't even order anything you'd typically put mayonnaise on. It's breakfast. There were no other condiments. Just mayonnaise and the coffee stuff. To be perfectly honest, I'm still confused about this, years later.
But I tried to be cool. "Can I have another coffee and some milk?" I asked, in Spanish.
"You only get one coffee with the breakfast combo. And milk is thirty cents extra."
"That's no problem, I'll pay."
Five minutes later I was happily ensconced in a fresh coffee with real milk, to go with my lovely bacon-and-eggs breakfast. It was delicious. None of it -- even the coffee -- seemed to require mayonnaise.
posted by Sara C. at 6:37 PM on July 19, 2013 [10 favorites]
I might not have become hooked on "fry sauce," beloved condiment of the Mormon corridor (it's 1 part ketchup to 1-2 parts mayonnaise, plus chef's choice of secret spices), had I not been introduced to it in Ukraine, where the mayonnaise is oh so fresh. European mayonnaise is as far above the threshold of amazingness as American mayonnaise is below it.
posted by eritain at 8:09 PM on July 19, 2013
posted by eritain at 8:09 PM on July 19, 2013
Marie's Creamy Ranch makes all other Ranch dressings taste like ashes in the mouth. Its existence justifies the entire genre.
In off the shell Mayonaisse brands, Kraft Mayonaisse (their regular, not the Miracle Whip!) is the best tasting brand. I used to by Hellman's likely due to effective commercials, but when going with Kraft due to it being on sale, I never went back. Obviously Kraft doesn't live up to the homemade, but for off the shelf it's the best I've found.
posted by haveanicesummer at 8:44 PM on July 19, 2013
In off the shell Mayonaisse brands, Kraft Mayonaisse (their regular, not the Miracle Whip!) is the best tasting brand. I used to by Hellman's likely due to effective commercials, but when going with Kraft due to it being on sale, I never went back. Obviously Kraft doesn't live up to the homemade, but for off the shelf it's the best I've found.
posted by haveanicesummer at 8:44 PM on July 19, 2013
Mayo = food lube. Yeah, it tastes good, but I think it's primary purpose is just to allow us to choke everything down a little quicker.
posted by Lukenlogs at 10:24 AM on July 20, 2013
posted by Lukenlogs at 10:24 AM on July 20, 2013
Mayo's fine, but I prefer Miracle Whip. I had a ( well still do) a cousin who used to make Miracle Whip and Peanut Butter sandwiches.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 10:40 AM on July 20, 2013
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 10:40 AM on July 20, 2013
Y'know, you can mix mayo with salsa and make a pretty good dip.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 2:50 PM on July 20, 2013
posted by TWinbrook8 at 2:50 PM on July 20, 2013
As far as I'm concerned, there is one acceptable culinary use for Miracle Whip. Yes, I know, a heretical thought. One might as well say that Allister Crowley's most famous work has a place in high mass.
I am speaking, of course, about a certain bologna sandwich: Oscar Meyer, Wonder Bread, and Miracle Whip.
There is nothing low class about this sandwich. It is not a marker of being poor or being a certain race.
It is instead, a marker of time. Of Radio Flyer wagons, of fathers who worked in a suit and tie (or undershirts and overalls), and mothers who stayed at home wearing aprons. Of white picket fences, black-and-white televisions with rabbit ear aerials, and nuclear preparedness drills in elementary school. Of Mayberry RFD, Howdy Doody, and the Mouseketeers.
Of the infinite possibilities of the future, the limitless resources at our fingertips, and the amazing ability of science to create for us anything we might need — including the unmistakable perfection of the perfect processed food: Wonder Bread, Oscar Meyer bologna, and Miracle Whip.
If you try one, and you owe it to yourself to do it at least once, you might want to cut off the crusts. And smoosh it down a little with your palm.
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:07 PM on July 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
I am speaking, of course, about a certain bologna sandwich: Oscar Meyer, Wonder Bread, and Miracle Whip.
There is nothing low class about this sandwich. It is not a marker of being poor or being a certain race.
It is instead, a marker of time. Of Radio Flyer wagons, of fathers who worked in a suit and tie (or undershirts and overalls), and mothers who stayed at home wearing aprons. Of white picket fences, black-and-white televisions with rabbit ear aerials, and nuclear preparedness drills in elementary school. Of Mayberry RFD, Howdy Doody, and the Mouseketeers.
Of the infinite possibilities of the future, the limitless resources at our fingertips, and the amazing ability of science to create for us anything we might need — including the unmistakable perfection of the perfect processed food: Wonder Bread, Oscar Meyer bologna, and Miracle Whip.
If you try one, and you owe it to yourself to do it at least once, you might want to cut off the crusts. And smoosh it down a little with your palm.
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:07 PM on July 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
What seanmpuckett didn't tell you is that this sandwich will get stuck in your teeth FOREVER. It is literally impossible to swallow. Possibly making it the perfect food for a nuclear holocaust, since you can potentially digest it in microscopic increments for the long decades spent in your fallout shelter.
posted by Sara C. at 4:31 PM on July 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 4:31 PM on July 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
I am speaking, of course, about a certain bologna sandwich: Oscar Meyer, Wonder Bread, and Miracle Whip.
This. So much this.
On Preview, Sara C. has it as well.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 5:01 PM on July 20, 2013
This. So much this.
On Preview, Sara C. has it as well.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 5:01 PM on July 20, 2013
Oh man... MW and PB are pretty damn good, it's that sweet/salty classic combo (which incidentally toasted marshmallows and corn chips kind of approaches).
Sara C., 5 will get you 10 that they pull that mayo stunt on many gringos just to see what will happen.
posted by edgeways at 5:20 PM on July 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Sara C., 5 will get you 10 that they pull that mayo stunt on many gringos just to see what will happen.
posted by edgeways at 5:20 PM on July 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's also possible that Peruvians, like other South Americans, just really fucking LOVE mayonesa.
This definitely wasn't my only mayonnaise encounter in South America, just the first and most inscrutable.
posted by Sara C. at 8:19 PM on July 20, 2013
This definitely wasn't my only mayonnaise encounter in South America, just the first and most inscrutable.
posted by Sara C. at 8:19 PM on July 20, 2013
seanmpuckett: "...the unmistakable perfection of the perfect processed food: Wonder Bread, Oscar Meyer bologna, and Miracle Whip."
I'm far from being a food snob. I do not make any effort to eat locally-sourced organic food.
That being said, I've eaten the unholy triumvirate formed by these imitation food products.
If you try one, and you owe it to yourself to do it at least once...
I owe everyone on Metafilter a warning that this is terrible advice. No amount of Fruit Punch Kool Aid can wash away the vile taste.
posted by double block and bleed at 8:36 AM on July 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm far from being a food snob. I do not make any effort to eat locally-sourced organic food.
That being said, I've eaten the unholy triumvirate formed by these imitation food products.
If you try one, and you owe it to yourself to do it at least once...
I owe everyone on Metafilter a warning that this is terrible advice. No amount of Fruit Punch Kool Aid can wash away the vile taste.
posted by double block and bleed at 8:36 AM on July 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Lord help us. Everyone knows that you pair a wonder bread, Oscar Meyer baloney, and Miracle Whip sandwich with Hawaiian Punch, not Kool Aid.
If you must have Kool Aid with your sandwich -- perhaps Hawaiian Punch is unavailable that day, or perhaps because you are a troglodyte -- then please have the decency to restrict yourself to Purplesaurus Rex.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:40 AM on July 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you must have Kool Aid with your sandwich -- perhaps Hawaiian Punch is unavailable that day, or perhaps because you are a troglodyte -- then please have the decency to restrict yourself to Purplesaurus Rex.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:40 AM on July 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm waiting for my first tomato to be ripe. As soon as it is, I'm going to make a BLT(-L) sandwich on toasted wheat with real mayo on the insides of each slice of toast. It tastes divine: the purified essence of everything that is good about summer. The layers of mayo keep the tomato from getting the toast soggy, which is the bane of all BLT sandwiches, with or without lettuce.
ROU_Xenophobe: "Everyone knows that you pair a wonder bread, Oscar Meyer baloney, and Miracle Whip sandwich with Hawaiian Punch, not Kool Aid."
Hawaiian Punch is in good company with those other "foods". All of it is swill not fit to feed to good swine.
posted by double block and bleed at 10:53 AM on July 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
ROU_Xenophobe: "Everyone knows that you pair a wonder bread, Oscar Meyer baloney, and Miracle Whip sandwich with Hawaiian Punch, not Kool Aid."
Hawaiian Punch is in good company with those other "foods". All of it is swill not fit to feed to good swine.
posted by double block and bleed at 10:53 AM on July 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you try one, and you owe it to yourself to do it at least once,
This is confusing, are you implying that some people didn’t eat this 3 times a week growing up? With a slice of American cheese the other days.
posted by bongo_x at 11:24 AM on July 21, 2013
This is confusing, are you implying that some people didn’t eat this 3 times a week growing up? With a slice of American cheese the other days.
posted by bongo_x at 11:24 AM on July 21, 2013
My personal experience was that my fondness for bologna sandwiches on cheap white bread did not survive the journey from childhood to adulthood. I once went on a daytrip with a friend who was very excited about the lunch he had packed for us. When he handed me a bolgona sandwich with way too much mayo on soggy, squished Wonder Bread I put on my best "really, you shouldn't have," face and could only choke down a couple of bites. Kool Aid? Hawaiian Punch? Not even Zarex would have helped.
posted by usonian at 8:33 AM on July 23, 2013
posted by usonian at 8:33 AM on July 23, 2013
I had to give up the OMWBMW for two years in high school because I had braces and not even the Waterpik (which I certainly wasn't going to take to school anyway) could handle it. It was one of the first things I ate when the braces came off.
And then, as a young adult, I had the sandwich ruined for me forever when it was all I got to eat that day I spent in jail.
Haven't had one since.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:05 AM on July 24, 2013
And then, as a young adult, I had the sandwich ruined for me forever when it was all I got to eat that day I spent in jail.
Haven't had one since.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:05 AM on July 24, 2013
I got a couple of artichokes at the farmers' market yesterday and, based on this post, decided to do aioli instead of hollandaise (and I lurrrrves me some hollandaise). Wow, did that turn out tasty. The addition of a teaspoon of smoked paprika was definitely a good choice.
Tonight it's going on top of roasted sweet potatoes. Yum.
posted by Lexica at 3:41 PM on July 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Tonight it's going on top of roasted sweet potatoes. Yum.
posted by Lexica at 3:41 PM on July 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Reporting back in on this Serious Eats mayo recipe -- it worked perfectly! The 500 ml Mason jar was the perfect size.
posted by maudlin at 4:32 PM on July 31, 2013
posted by maudlin at 4:32 PM on July 31, 2013
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