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August 26, 2013 7:59 AM

Would you like to learn how to make pink-colored pancakes? Or practice 13th-century dental care? Or garden with lobster claws? Or perhaps 12th-century hair care or choosing the right cravat is more your speed? Fortunately, Ask the Past has answers to all those questions--and more!
posted by Cash4Lead (29 comments total)

beat them all together half an hour

Man, you really gotta want pink pancakes to go to that level of effort.
posted by Runes at 8:10 AM on August 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

"To clear the eyes from films. Take human dung, of a good colour and consistence, dry it slowly till it be pulverable; then reduce it into an impalpable powder, which is to be blown once, twice, or thrice a day, as occasion shall require, into the patient's eyes."
- Robert Boyle, Medicinal Experiments (1692)

posted by DaDaDaDave at 8:17 AM on August 26, 2013 [2 favorites]

Of course you wear a white or black cravat to evening dress unless you're one of those dreadful The Sorrows of Young Werther-flouncing-Romantic types
posted by The Whelk at 8:18 AM on August 26, 2013

In 1689 his health, never very strong, began to fail seriously and he gradually withdrew from his public engagements

IDK PROBABLY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING WITH POWDERED SHIT ALL THE TIME
posted by elizardbits at 8:19 AM on August 26, 2013 [4 favorites]

Am I to understand that the pink pancakes contain almost as much nutmeg as flour?
posted by Sys Rq at 8:20 AM on August 26, 2013

"Do not have a dripping nose and do not dribble at the mouth. No woman desires a man with rabies."

omg
posted by elizardbits at 8:24 AM on August 26, 2013 [2 favorites]

"That one shall not be drunke. Drink the iuyce of Yerrow fasting, and ye shall not be drunke, for no drinke; and if you were drunke it will make you sober: or else take the marrow of porke fasting, and ye shall not be drunke; and if you be drunke annoint your privie members in vineger, and ye shall waxe sober."

I cannot not read this in anything but Stephen Fry-As-Lord Melchett's voice.
posted by The Whelk at 8:29 AM on August 26, 2013 [4 favorites]

Notice that the pancakes have no leavening ingredient. The long beating time served to incorporate air to give a less dense cake.

It's the incorporation of brandy that is surprising to me; not sure what effect that would have on the finished product.
posted by jepler at 8:31 AM on August 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

I love how judgmental advice was back then.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 8:32 AM on August 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

It's the incorporation of brandy that is surprising to me; not sure what effect that would have on the finished product.

Drunkcakes!


I love how judgmental advice was back then.

"Your awful stubby, ham-like fingers!"
posted by The Whelk at 8:34 AM on August 26, 2013

"Once I was in Venice. We saw a beautiful woman. One of us asked: 'What do you think of that lady?' One replied: 'I would like her if she did not laugh.' Another said: 'Because of that I like her more.' A third answered: 'I would like her best if she could laugh but hide her missing tooth.'

oh my god apparently jerks on the street judging your smile have been a pestilence upon humanity since forever
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:39 AM on August 26, 2013 [10 favorites]

If the beetroot doesn't work, keep increasing the amount of brandy. Don't worry if you accidentally spill some and it gets in the batter.
posted by Wolfdog at 8:39 AM on August 26, 2013 [4 favorites]

I do like that the key to making a good omelet has not significantly changed in 600 years.

On the other hand, how long before this method for making coffee is rediscovered by Portland baristas? The dream of the 1680s...
posted by Cash4Lead at 8:40 AM on August 26, 2013 [2 favorites]

These guys party hard.

With raw beef, shit, fermented nastiness (raving!), and street harassment/assault.

Truly a golden age.
posted by skrozidile at 8:42 AM on August 26, 2013

This is even more fun than the (sadly mostly defunct) Miss Abigail's Time Warp Advice.
posted by immlass at 8:43 AM on August 26, 2013

" "So that we may recognize made-up faces, do thus. Chew a bit of saffron in your teeth, and bring your mouth close to her face while speaking, so that your breath will cause the makeup to lose color, and make it yellowish, but if she is not wearing makeup, there will be no harm." "
posted by The Whelk at 8:49 AM on August 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

I love how judgmental advice was back then.

As opposed to now.
posted by The Bellman at 8:54 AM on August 26, 2013 [3 favorites]

raw beef, shit, fermented nastiness (raving!), and street harassment/assault.

Truly a golden age.

Really puts GG Alin in perspective, doesn't it?
posted by Hoopo at 8:59 AM on August 26, 2013

"To clear the eyes from films. Take human dung, of a good colour and consistence, dry it slowly till it be pulverable; then reduce it into an impalpable powder, which is to be blown once, twice, or thrice a day, as occasion shall require, into the patient's eyes."

I tried that after Avatar, and it was more pleasant than watching the film.
posted by anothermug at 9:01 AM on August 26, 2013 [3 favorites]

"How to See the Future, c. 1450"

"'Bismille araathe mem lismissa [etc.]' When he has recited this conjuration, the master should look in the mirror, and he will see an armed knight seated on a horse, and his squire accompanying him. The knight will dismount from the horse... and then the master may ask him about past, present, and future things, and he will at once give full response in writing."

"Anonymous Necromancer's Manual (15th century)"

In writing? In 1450? Silly Knight, Peasant can't read!
posted by marienbad at 9:01 AM on August 26, 2013

I love how judgmental advice was back then.

As opposed to now.

Dumppe Ye Incestuous Wastrel With Great Haste
posted by zombieflanders at 9:02 AM on August 26, 2013 [14 favorites]

"Furthermore never fart when you are dancing; grit your teeth and compel your arse to hold back the fart... Do not have a dripping nose and do not dribble at the mouth. No woman desires a man with rabies. And refrain from spitting before the maidens, because that makes one sick and even revolts the stomach. If you spit or blow your nose or sneeze, remember to turn your head away after the spasm; and remember not to wipe your nose with your fingers; do it properly with a white handkerchief. Do not eat either leeks or onions because they leave an unpleasant odour in the mouth."

Oh my god, I am going to have this engraved on something made of pewter or silver and give it to my sons on the occasion of their graduation from middle school, for this is the kind of Dad I am.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:04 AM on August 26, 2013 [11 favorites]

Jepler: the brandy bit isn't all that surprising. Even today any self respecting recipe for crepes still calls for a bit of brandy to be added to the batter.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 9:14 AM on August 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh my god, I am going to have this engraved on something made of pewter or silver and give it to my sons on the occasion of their graduation from middle school, for this is the kind of Dad I am.

And in high school here's some time-worn advice for junior prom:

"You must always be garbed to perfection and your codpiece must be well tied. We sometimes see codpieces slip to the ground during the basse dance so you must tie them well."

Antonius Arena, Leges dansandi (1530)

posted by ennui.bz at 9:38 AM on August 26, 2013 [3 favorites]

Truly a golden age.

Really puts GG Alin in perspective, doesn't it?

Who knew GG was literally such a rennaisance man?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:25 AM on August 26, 2013

Mrs. Kabanos makes these delicious pink pancakes. Dust them with a bit of icing sugar, and the kids gobble them up.
posted by Kabanos at 12:30 PM on August 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

How does one prepare 30 snails? I'm asking for a friend. A sweatie, sluttish friend.
posted by mgar at 1:57 PM on August 26, 2013

DaDaDaDave: "To clear the eyes from films. Take human dung, of a good colour and consistence, dry it slowly till it be pulverable; then reduce it into an impalpable powder, which is to be blown once, twice, or thrice a day, as occasion shall require, into the patient's eyes."

I actually tried that method after watching The Brown Bunny, and I can attest it works.

EDIT: DAMN YOU, anothermug!
posted by IAmBroom at 2:12 PM on August 26, 2013

DaDaDaDave: "To clear the eyes from films. Take human dung, of a good colour and consistence, dry it slowly till it be pulverable; then reduce it into an impalpable powder, which is to be blown once, twice, or thrice a day, as occasion shall require, into the patient's eyes."
I actually tried that method after watching The Brown Bunny, and I can attest it works.

EDIT: DAMN YOU, anothermug!



In The Brown Bunny, Chloe only blows once.
posted by anothermug at 3:04 PM on August 26, 2013 [1 favorite]