I'm gonna eat a shit ton more ants.
January 1, 2014 9:47 PM Subscribe
I for one welcome our new ant overlords, while secretly working for their downfall with the help of this guy.
posted by JHarris at 10:04 PM on January 1, 2014
posted by JHarris at 10:04 PM on January 1, 2014
I would eat them in a boat.
I would eat them with a goat.
I would eat them in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree -
They are so good, so good, you see!
So I will eat them in a box.
And I will eat them with a fox.
And I will eat them in a house.
And I will eat them with a mouse.
And I will eat them here and there.
Say! I will eat them ANYWHERE!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:14 PM on January 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
I would eat them with a goat.
I would eat them in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree -
They are so good, so good, you see!
So I will eat them in a box.
And I will eat them with a fox.
And I will eat them in a house.
And I will eat them with a mouse.
And I will eat them here and there.
Say! I will eat them ANYWHERE!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:14 PM on January 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
I wonder if installing a beehive on top of an anthill would keep the anteaters away. Us social animals need to stick together.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 10:16 PM on January 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 10:16 PM on January 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
I guess if the New York Times can ape Buzzfeed, the New Yorker can ape McSweeneys.
posted by bpm140 at 10:31 PM on January 1, 2014 [24 favorites]
posted by bpm140 at 10:31 PM on January 1, 2014 [24 favorites]
Wait. Anteaters eat ants?? That's disgusting.
posted by Random Person at 11:00 PM on January 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Random Person at 11:00 PM on January 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm gonna ape a shit ton more lower-pretense periodicals.
posted by mistersquid at 11:22 PM on January 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by mistersquid at 11:22 PM on January 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
Reminiscent of one of my favorite Onion articles: "Hey, You Got Something To Eat?" by A Goat
posted by outlaw of averages at 11:44 PM on January 1, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by outlaw of averages at 11:44 PM on January 1, 2014 [8 favorites]
Thanks, ants. Thants.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:29 AM on January 2, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:29 AM on January 2, 2014 [10 favorites]
Anteaters never get sick. Because of all their anty bodies, you see.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:24 AM on January 2, 2014 [25 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:24 AM on January 2, 2014 [25 favorites]
Honey Badger don't care about goddamn anteaters.
posted by Mezentian at 1:30 AM on January 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Mezentian at 1:30 AM on January 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
We took my kid to Boston's Franklin Park Zoo on New Years Eve, and it was awesome! Between the date and the discouraging cold (which we had planned for and bundled against), we saw fewer than 20 other patrons the whole day.
Because (I'm assuming) it was very quiet, the animals were exceptionally active and visible. The giant anteater, who usually snuffles around furtively at the rear of his enclosure, was up near his half-height glass and we spent about 10 minutes with him.
His body has the same general proportions as a tall, lean dog like a wolfhound but he's comically fluffy. Of course, everything above his neck is ridiculous. He was just going through every crevice in the front of his space with his snout, quickly but methodically looking for ants. I had picked up my five-year-old to give her a view over the glass and set her down when he got close. She pressed up to peer at him, and he came to her.
"I wonder if there are any ants on this little girl," he thought and he put his tiny mouth next to her. Of course, his whip-like tongue merely slid along the glass, but he tried to lick her a few times before wondering if there was anything on my boots.
On the way home, my daughter was musing about what it the zoo would be like if you could feed the animals, and mentioned the giant anteater.
"What would you feed him?" I asked rhetorically.
"Well, he's an ant eater, Daddy. I'd feed him a cup of ants! I bet he'd love that!"
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:39 AM on January 2, 2014 [20 favorites]
Because (I'm assuming) it was very quiet, the animals were exceptionally active and visible. The giant anteater, who usually snuffles around furtively at the rear of his enclosure, was up near his half-height glass and we spent about 10 minutes with him.
His body has the same general proportions as a tall, lean dog like a wolfhound but he's comically fluffy. Of course, everything above his neck is ridiculous. He was just going through every crevice in the front of his space with his snout, quickly but methodically looking for ants. I had picked up my five-year-old to give her a view over the glass and set her down when he got close. She pressed up to peer at him, and he came to her.
"I wonder if there are any ants on this little girl," he thought and he put his tiny mouth next to her. Of course, his whip-like tongue merely slid along the glass, but he tried to lick her a few times before wondering if there was anything on my boots.
On the way home, my daughter was musing about what it the zoo would be like if you could feed the animals, and mentioned the giant anteater.
"What would you feed him?" I asked rhetorically.
"Well, he's an ant eater, Daddy. I'd feed him a cup of ants! I bet he'd love that!"
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:39 AM on January 2, 2014 [20 favorites]
Like I'd take any advice from a stupid, worthless anteater /overdrawnatthememorybank
posted by The Whelk at 4:12 AM on January 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 4:12 AM on January 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
It sounds like the pink panther theme item.
posted by The Whelk at 4:30 AM on January 2, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 4:30 AM on January 2, 2014 [10 favorites]
I doubt it. If ant-eaters could make new years resolutions, they would probably resolve to stop eating so many ants.
"I swear I'm only going to eat a few ants at a time this year. God look at my bulgy stomach. And my fur! It's all matted with dead ants. This is easy, I can do it, just a few ants, then a brisk walk around the pond, then a few more. Oh crap I just ate a whole anthill. OK don't give up, I still maybe could change my ways, just try harder!"
That is the way New Years Resolutions work. Even with anthropomorphized creatures.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:18 AM on January 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
"I swear I'm only going to eat a few ants at a time this year. God look at my bulgy stomach. And my fur! It's all matted with dead ants. This is easy, I can do it, just a few ants, then a brisk walk around the pond, then a few more. Oh crap I just ate a whole anthill. OK don't give up, I still maybe could change my ways, just try harder!"
That is the way New Years Resolutions work. Even with anthropomorphized creatures.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:18 AM on January 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
Honey badger don't give a shit about anything. Including ants.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:59 AM on January 2, 2014
posted by clvrmnky at 5:59 AM on January 2, 2014
Item, if the person/people telling you that joke didn't sing the punchline, they were telling it all wrong.
posted by mudpuppie at 9:38 AM on January 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by mudpuppie at 9:38 AM on January 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
I guess I'm the only naysayer here. Doesn't anyone else think that this is grossly stereotyping the anteater? If you box the anteater into a corner, even in jest, I think you do the anteater and yourself and all the rest of us a grave disservice. Let's all take a New Year's Resolution to consider the effects of our words and to put ourselves in the other guy's shoes before we make fun of him, shall we?
posted by janey47 at 10:31 AM on January 2, 2014
posted by janey47 at 10:31 AM on January 2, 2014
...put ourselves in the other guy's shoes...
Because anteaters are extremely empathic and totally do this, and they're cute, too.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:49 AM on January 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Because anteaters are extremely empathic and totally do this, and they're cute, too.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:49 AM on January 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Nobody puts anteater in the corner!
posted by blueberry at 11:00 AM on January 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by blueberry at 11:00 AM on January 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Massive slam on anteaters out of nowhere.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 3:04 PM on January 2, 2014
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 3:04 PM on January 2, 2014
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posted by 2bucksplus at 9:53 PM on January 1, 2014 [46 favorites]