Look, It's Only One More Season...

November 28, 2014 7:27 AM

The first teaser trailer for the Episode VII—Star Wars: The Force Awakens is live.

(Turns out Jedi Knights do wait 15 years 32 years for a sequel.)

posted by entropicamericana (570 comments total)

A fourth Star Wars movie?! Wow! This could be awesome!
posted by LastOfHisKind at 7:31 AM on November 28, 2014 [164 favorites]

DEAR GOD THE GOOSEBUMPS THEY'RE EVERYWHERE
posted by saladin at 7:33 AM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

I was impressed until one particular shot gave me a shot of full on motion sickness.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:33 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

You came here in that?!
posted by chavenet at 7:35 AM on November 28, 2014

It did nothing for me. I think my main problem is that there's old stuff where you'd expect new and vice versa - X-Wings and the Millennium Falcon are still in service 30 years later, but lightsabers, the "elegant weapon from a simpler age," needed an X-treme upgrade?
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 7:36 AM on November 28, 2014 [23 favorites]

Here's the YouTube version for those of us who can't play QuickTime videos.
posted by octothorpe at 7:36 AM on November 28, 2014 [23 favorites]

The shots of the ships (you know the ones) and the fanfare made me feel like a kid again, but I thought the Phantom Menace teaser was a much better teaser. Let's hope the quality of the trailers continue to be inverse to the quality of the films.
posted by entropicamericana at 7:37 AM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

MOSES! YESSSSSSSS!
posted by ominous_paws at 7:37 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Look, It's Only One More Season

Yeah, that's what they tell me about Sherlock and let me tell you, it ain't working!
posted by Ber at 7:37 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

I'm excited but that might be the dumbest lightsaber shape yet.
posted by frenetic at 7:38 AM on November 28, 2014 [27 favorites]

The lightsaber crossguard is pretty terrible.
posted by quaking fajita at 7:38 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

That's actually less impressive than some of the fake trailers I saw this morning. Or were they also real?

And is that some sort of Dark Star beachball crossover thing?
posted by BinaryApe at 7:39 AM on November 28, 2014 [9 favorites]

X-Wings and the Millennium Falcon are still in service 30 years later

Is it set 30 years on in the films too, then? Because I'm not sure of the premise of the movie (can't be bothered to trawl all the fan speculation) but I assumed it was only a little further on than the ROTJ.
posted by Brockles at 7:41 AM on November 28, 2014

That was way more meh than I expected.
posted by Mavri at 7:42 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

This was the only thing I could think of during that first shot.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 7:42 AM on November 28, 2014 [24 favorites]

I gotta say, when the Falcon popped up, I felt like a twelve-year-old again.
posted by valkane at 7:43 AM on November 28, 2014 [17 favorites]

Yeah, it's supposed to be a 30 year gap from Jedi.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 7:43 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

That was way more meh than I expected

although on one level I, of course, get the eagerness and anticipation here (it's Star Wars!!!), on another, I'm utterly perplexed (did you not see those last three movies?). If there were any justice, anybody currently over the age of say twenty-five (ie: ten or older when Phantom Menace came out) should get free admittance to this movie ... with the option to pay afterward if they truly think it was worth the two hours of their lives.
posted by philip-random at 7:43 AM on November 28, 2014 [36 favorites]

Back in the eighties, when George Lucas realized how ridiculously fanatical Star Wars fans were, he decided to do everything possible to liberate them from their illusions. In spite of all his efforts, still some live on in hope.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:46 AM on November 28, 2014 [31 favorites]

Since it's directed JJ Abrams, I expect the rest of the film will be *exactly* like this trailer: a series of pretty vignettes that have nothing to do with each other, and make no sense when viewed in sequence.
posted by 1970s Antihero at 7:48 AM on November 28, 2014 [66 favorites]

Back in the eighties, when George Lucas realized how ridiculously fanatical Star Wars fans were, he decided to do everything possible to liberate them from their illusions.

It had always been my opinion that Lucas wanted to desperately move on from the series, but fans wouldn't let him. By the time Radioland Murders flopped, he threw up his hands in frustration and yelled "You want more movies?! I'll give you more movies you ungrateful fuckers!!!"
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 7:49 AM on November 28, 2014 [11 favorites]

Eh. I'll probably end up seeing it because I can't really conceive of a situation where I don't, but that wasn't exciting.
posted by codacorolla at 7:50 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Oh. I was totally sucked in by the fake one I came across yesterday. Mark Hamill, and a ton of lens flare. Oops.
posted by stevil at 7:50 AM on November 28, 2014

Oh, my expectations for the movie are low, but I figure just about anyone could put together a thrilling trailer with some familiar props and that score. That trailer was incredibly flat. I thought my hopes would be raised by the trailer, then dashed by the movie. Like the prequels.
posted by Mavri at 7:51 AM on November 28, 2014

JJ missed opportunities for truly legendary trolling here. Like inserting a shot of V'Ger in the trailer and tell fans that he was sorry, but he sometimes gets confused between the two properties.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:54 AM on November 28, 2014 [17 favorites]

This has been my entire twitter feed all morning
posted by The Whelk at 7:55 AM on November 28, 2014 [9 favorites]

I remember taping the Phantom Menace trailer off of Entertainment Tonight and having friends over for a showing. We watched it like six times in a row and were totally excited by it. And we all know how that turned out.

Abrams has never made a movie as bad as Episode I so I expect that this will at least be watchable but this trailer doesn't do much for me.
posted by octothorpe at 7:55 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

I could have done with that crucifix lightsaber to cut my way through the angry Black Friday shopping mob this morning when I went to purchase some tea.
posted by Wordshore at 7:57 AM on November 28, 2014 [9 favorites]

X-Wings and the Millennium Falcon are still in service 30 years later Well, the US is still flying a lot of 30+ year old warplanes, so that's not weird. I know they've purged the extended universe, but in Star Wars technology moves at a crawl. The problem with any space opera where you try to establish tens of thousands of years of history - if you've had Jedi with laser swords and FTL travel and robots back then AND now, that means not much is changing in the interim.
posted by thecjm at 7:57 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

twitter search of the day
posted by ominous_paws at 7:57 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

And the inevitable shot-by-shot breakdown.
posted by octothorpe at 7:58 AM on November 28, 2014

I read that as "the force is awkward". Hope that's not a bad omen.
posted by double bubble at 7:59 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

The Benedict Cumberbatch voiceover is freaking me out. I assume he's just being used to hype the trailer, and won't be in the actual film? Because he'd be great in a Star Wars movie.

Also: fuck Apple and their proprietary video plugin nonsense. As octothorpe linked above, the YouTube version is legit at least to 720p. Also Twitter(!) seems to be hosting a copy in a simple HTML5 container.
posted by Nelson at 8:00 AM on November 28, 2014 [7 favorites]

I'm waiting for RLM's 50 minute review of this trailer.
posted by distressingly thick sheets at 8:00 AM on November 28, 2014 [16 favorites]

It's the teaser teaser trailer, which comes before the teaser trailer, and then the official trailer.

I'm still excited.
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:00 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

This is going to be like Into Darkness.

It's the same movie! Only everything's different! Then time-travelling R2D2 will save the day. Bee-boo-bee-boo-bew. And then the Millennium Falcon will slowly emerge from the clouds.
posted by phaedon at 8:01 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

Yoda: Tempted you shall be by the dark side to use lens flare. Not ready are you to face the fanboys. Have patience and complete your post production.

Abrams: Fuck it. I'm releasing the first trailer with lens flare around the Millennium Falcon. The critics can eat shit.

Yoda: There is much anger in this young one.
posted by Muddler at 8:01 AM on November 28, 2014 [52 favorites]

I liked the trailer, and my expectations remain moderately low. The prequels were awful, but Disney knows how to make good movies, and so does JJ Abrams sometimes.

I'll forgive the lightsaber crucifix because in-universe, it's not that crazy of a thing to have show up 50 years after the double-ended one. I mean, it would be pretty dumb as an actual weapon, but so are lightsabers, and bat'leths. Meta-wise: of course the new big bad gets to have a funky saber -- I just hope he/she lasts longer than Darth Maul.
posted by sparklemotion at 8:01 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

this trailer doesn't do much for me

It's a teaser. Let's wait for the full trailer to compare it to the Phantom Menace trailer, yes?

And what's so bad about the crossguard saber? Everyone on io9 was eye rolling about it too.
posted by schoolgirl report at 8:01 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

1970s Antihero: "Since it's directed JJ Abrams, I expect the rest of the film will be *exactly* like this trailer: a series of pretty vignettes that have nothing to do with each other, and make no sense when viewed in sequence."

On behalf of Trek fans everywhere, I would like to apologise to Wars fans for not gagging and binding Abrams when we had the chance.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 8:01 AM on November 28, 2014 [21 favorites]

I think my main problem is that there's old stuff where you'd expect new

Like an embedded Quicktime video.
posted by Flashman at 8:01 AM on November 28, 2014 [94 favorites]

Not crazy about that one whiplash barrel roll shot (seriously, we've had mature CGI for over 20 years now. Can we stop using it for XTREME-MOUNTAIN-DEW-twisty-turny-impossible-POV shots and following projectiles out of weapons? ) but I like that there are only a handful of ships flying around in any given shot, versus the ridiculous saturation of every frame in the prequels.
posted by usonian at 8:02 AM on November 28, 2014 [8 favorites]

I remember seeing the first prequel movie at the first showing at midnight and then coming out and meeting my friends who were still waiting (with a ticket for me) for the 3am showing. They asked me how it was and all I could say is "well, it's Star Wars." Because at the time Star Wars was whatever George Lucas says it is. I've always felt since that the outrage about the prequels (though yes, they aren't good films,) are but the whinings of petulant children.

I will say that Abrams and Disney are making a major, major mistake here in the design of that new droid, because it's going to be impossible for the fans to make replicas.
posted by Catblack at 8:02 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

Those X-Wings over the water were beautiful, that was the scene the stood out. Special effects have come so far since the prequels... And that swooping Falcon was also pretty tasty. The rest... um, meh. I don't think they really had enough done to put out a decent teaser trailer, though. Scraps and pieces. And the EVILVOICEOVER was trying a too hard.
posted by Auden at 8:02 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

I think my main problem is that there's old stuff where you'd expect new and vice versa - X-Wings and the Millennium Falcon are still in service 30 years later, but lightsabers, the "elegant weapon from a simpler age," needed an X-treme upgrade?

In the extended universe books X-Wings have been upgraded to the XJ series, and I believe the Millennium Falcon's gone throuhg more upgrades though it still looks the same. Lightsaber whips and shorter lightsabers have also been introduced though that was an ugly looking lightsaber.

Honestly, I hoped that this would've been set during the Yuuzhan Vong War (though a trilogy might've been too short to cover that properly). Not sure how the movies will fit in with all the books that have already been written!
posted by astapasta24 at 8:03 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

And what's so bad about the crossguard saber? Everyone on io9 was eye rolling about it too.

Those hilt blades look like they'd be way more likely to maim you than your opponenet.
posted by Flashman at 8:06 AM on November 28, 2014 [14 favorites]

The entire Expanded Universe is non-canon now. It's toast, and the movies and new adaptations will ignore it.

And what's so bad about the crossguard saber? Everyone on io9 was eye rolling about it too.

The point of a crossguard is to protect your hands. A lightsaber crossguard will slice and burn anything it touches, including your hands. Also it just looks dumb and overwrought.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:06 AM on November 28, 2014 [12 favorites]

The X-Wing flying over water bit at least had some of the feeling of heft and reality that was totally absent from all the weightlessly sterile CGI in the prequels. Hopefully Fisher & Ford will be allowed to address the similar lack of any vaguely plausible human interaction too!

in Star Wars technology moves at a crawl

It seemed to kinda go backwards between Episodes 3 and 4. Almost like they made them out of order for some reason...
posted by sobarel at 8:07 AM on November 28, 2014 [7 favorites]

I will say that Abrams and Disney are making a major, major mistake here in the design of that new droid, because it's going to be impossible for the fans to make replicas.

I would bet that you would be surprised what sufficiently dedicated people can do with magnets and gyroscopes.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:07 AM on November 28, 2014 [12 favorites]

Those hilt blades look like they'd be way more likely to maim you than your opponenet.

yes the crossguard on the sword that is made of lasers is totally unrealistic
posted by mightygodking at 8:08 AM on November 28, 2014 [123 favorites]

I love that it led off with Boyega. I was pretty stonefaced and then saw him and got super excited.
posted by cashman at 8:10 AM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

A space wizard did it
posted by The Whelk at 8:10 AM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

Well, the US is still flying a lot of 30+ year old warplanes, so that's not weird. I know they've purged the extended universe, but in Star Wars technology moves at a crawl.

But wasn't the same span of time between "Revenge of the Sith" and "A New Hope"? And the Revenge era ships are either gone by the time of the New Hope or have gone through some design changes due to new manufacturers, suppliers, customers, etc.
posted by FJT at 8:10 AM on November 28, 2014

I've been really fascinated by the micro-culture that sprung up in the last 16 hours around creating fake versions of this, particularly since it was a meme with a definite endpoint: the release of the actual trailer. Also, some of them were so well-made that I spent the first thirty seconds of this one wondering if it was real.

Despite how terrible the actual film was, the first minute of the Phantom Menace teaser is a straight-up masterpiece. The editor (presumably not Lucas) knew how high the audience's anticipation would be and opened with a long series of static establishing shots, slowly adding more details and characters, to really stoke that anticipation into a frenzy. And then the most famous fanfare in cinema history hits and your heart just Alderaans all over the inside of your chest...
posted by Ian A.T. at 8:11 AM on November 28, 2014 [19 favorites]

Not sure how the movies will fit in with all the books that have already been written!

Shortly after Disney purchased the Lucasfilm rights, they announced that none of the EU would be considered canon, going forward. So it's basically the same story as Abrams' new Trek, only without the in-universe justification. From the perspective of future Star Wars media properties, the EU does not exist.
posted by Alterscape at 8:11 AM on November 28, 2014

It's fine for a teaser trailer, what was everyone expecting? They likely have very little finished footage ready, and all a teaser needs to convey for a film like this is tone and a bit of the visual style, which this short commercial does just fine.

Maybe I'm not worked up about the stupid lightsaber hilt and stuff because my expectations are open: I will be totally pumped for a good movie, OK with an average one, and mildly disappointed at a bad one...because now we're getting an open-ended supply of new SW movies! So if this one is terrible, another one is in the pipeline behind it with a different creative team, and so on. Some of them will be great, some won't, but what I'm mostly excited about is that the SW universe is now open for lots of people to create work within it, without the creative bottleneck and poison that Lucas became.

Not sure how the movies will fit in with all the books that have already been written!

My understanding is that they won't, and won't try to.
posted by LooseFilter at 8:11 AM on November 28, 2014 [11 favorites]

>I would bet that you would be surprised what sufficiently dedicated people can do with magnets and gyroscopes.


I thought that too, but then I thought it'll probably erase the smartphones of anyone who gets close to it.

Also, Boyega is great in Attack The Block, I'm pretty sure he's going to be great in this.
posted by Catblack at 8:11 AM on November 28, 2014

duffell: +1 for awkward soccer ball robot

I kinda want Disney to make an entire film about that little dude rolling around a desert. It would be like Wall-E except with wookies instead of lazy humans because wookies are better than humans.
posted by Kattullus at 8:12 AM on November 28, 2014 [26 favorites]

But wasn't the same span of time between "Revenge of the Sith" and "A New Hope"? And the Revenge era ships are either gone by the time of the New Hope or have gone through some design changes due to new manufacturers, suppliers, customers, etc.

1. That's because the Old Republic's manufacturing centres were wiped out and replaced by Empire depots and eventually manufacturing bases, and non-despotic New Republics just use what's there rather than tyrannically re-stomping the universe into their own desired image
2. Nobody liked the prequels so who fucking cares
posted by mightygodking at 8:13 AM on November 28, 2014 [29 favorites]

The X-Wing pilot's helmet looks like it is too tight and too small; that's why he is Mr. Frowny Face.
posted by Nevin at 8:13 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

I will say that Abrams and Disney are making a major, major mistake here in the design of that new droid, because it's going to be impossible for the fans to make replicas.

I would bet that you would be surprised what sufficiently dedicated people can do with magnets and gyroscopes.

For example, here's how you'd do the base, and here's how you'd do the head.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:14 AM on November 28, 2014

*makes whooshing noise*
posted by The Whelk at 8:14 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

#teamawkwardsoccerballrobot
posted by chimpsonfilm at 8:16 AM on November 28, 2014 [13 favorites]

The X-Wing pilot's helmet looks like it is too tight and too small; that's why he is Mr. Frowny Face.

No, it's because he's played by Oscar Isaac. Dude never smiles (which might help him out once he plays a guy named Apocalypse).
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 8:16 AM on November 28, 2014

I see that they're not using "Episode VII" in the title, presumably in order to facilitate making 800 more Star Wars movies between now and the time rising sea levels claim the Tunisian desert.
posted by aaronetc at 8:17 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

I like that flying vaporizer.
posted by Flashman at 8:17 AM on November 28, 2014

What I liked about it is that it feels like a fresh take on the Star Wars universe. Some icons are there, but they feel a bit new, a bit different.

Also, it's definitely got one black person and one woman. So: tradition.
posted by crossoverman at 8:18 AM on November 28, 2014 [7 favorites]

It seemed to kinda go backwards between Episodes 3 and 4.

I always thought that was one of the few decent bits about the prequels, and the general through line of technology in Star Wars. The prequels were set in the pinnacle of the galactic republic, everything all shiny and new, and, well, shit fell apart, and the rebels are there, twenty years later, flying around in junky looking, yet functional fighters because that's all they can get together. The clone war against the trade federation must have devastated the galactic infrastructure, manufacturing, and shipping capabilities. And then, the rebellion following so soon, and with an emporer totally focused on creating world destroying super weapons? I can definitely see a minor dark age, or at the very least, a pretty solid regression, especially in the non-core worlds (cough, cough, certain desert planet).
posted by Ghidorah at 8:18 AM on November 28, 2014 [36 favorites]

Dammit, mightygodking, do you have any idea how awkward typing on an iPad is?
posted by Ghidorah at 8:20 AM on November 28, 2014

I know it's a teaser, but...there wasn't anything there for me. Just ships and a silly lightsaber (ooh! cooler!!!) and R2DBall... I guess that's all that's necessary for real fanatics of the franchise, but I'd rather get an inkling of what this series is about, not just the fact that it exists.
posted by xingcat at 8:21 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

aaronetc: "I see that they're not using "Episode VII" in the title, presumably in order to facilitate making 800 more Star Wars movies between now and the time rising sea levels claim the Tunisian desert."

If this does well I expect an MCU-like proliferation of movies about various minor characters, and an MCU-like relationship with the written material (noncanon idea mines).
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 8:21 AM on November 28, 2014

Apparently, Episode VII will be used in the finished film. And they are already planning spin-off character-focused films, which will open between "episodes".
posted by crossoverman at 8:23 AM on November 28, 2014

The point of a crossguard is to protect your hands.

Yeah, clearly a Jedi/Sith dude injuring (or, even worse, losing) a hand would be a serious impediment to using a lightsaber.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:24 AM on November 28, 2014 [27 favorites]

Well, maybe not long term, but it sure wouldn't help in that particular fight...

(Just to be clear, my main complaint is definitely that it looks plain dumb.)
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:26 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

The point of a crossguard is to protect your hands.

Though, in this case, I'm sure it's there to invoke a medieval/crusader aesthetic rather than for any practical reasons.
posted by popcassady at 8:29 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

I just keep telling myself that Disney can't make more of a mess than Lucas already did.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:29 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

>I just keep telling myself that Disney can't make more of a mess than Lucas already did.

Just wait for the Mouseketeer version of American Graffiti.
posted by Catblack at 8:32 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

I just keep telling myself that Disney can't make more of a mess than Lucas already did.

This has been my mantra from the start.

"I mean, I guess they could have shitty plots with obtuse motivations for major characters, terrible dialog, irritating and racist sidekicks - Oh, right."
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:33 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Functionally the crossguard is dumb, but the whole descending into a dark forest while wielding a medieval-looking space sword shot gives the thing a high-fantasy feel that reminds me of more fantasy-heavy takes on SW like Splinter of the Mind's Eye which is pretty nice. I like my Jedi to be Space Wizards and not the cold and clinical prequel Jedi.
posted by jason_steakums at 8:33 AM on November 28, 2014 [37 favorites]

Seriously, not toward anybody in particular, but this thread reads like a bunch of old people who would only be satisfied with the Platonic ideal of a movie trailer. It's just a short commercial made with whatever footage is finished enough and can be strung together a year ahead of the release date.

Also, hating on a magical sword made of super-heated plasma, wielded by a knight with super powers, because its cross-guard may be awkward? Perhaps some reflection on the premise of this super serious criticism is in order.
posted by LooseFilter at 8:33 AM on November 28, 2014 [36 favorites]

Apparently, Episode VII will be used in the finished film. And they are already planning spin-off character-focused films, which will open between "episodes".

The Marvel model. Smart. Increases monetization of the property AND expands the universe for fanboys. I expect we'll be seeing an "Agents of the EMPIRE" TV show as well?
posted by leotrotsky at 8:34 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Not crazy about that one whiplash barrel roll shot (seriously, we've had mature CGI for over 20 years now. Can we stop using it for XTREME-MOUNTAIN-DEW-twisty-turny-impossible-POV shots and following projectiles out of weapons? )

And yet, with 20 years of mature CGI, the only movies I can think of offhand that don't move their spaceships and virtual camera around like models on a tabletop are the Abrams Trek movies.

The trailer wasn't really inspiring, but the X-Wings over the water was definitely goosebumps time. The Falcon spiraling up and over was just gravy.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:34 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

"They could make it about something really boring, like trade negotiations....hang on."
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:34 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Man all this new lightsaber stuff looks pretty suspect
posted by The Whelk at 8:35 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

The only reason people are riffing on the Lightsaber Crossguard is because we all already thought of this while doodling in math class during middle school. Along with the crossguard, we also thought up the lightsaber nunchuks, lightsaber police baton, and the lightsaber scythe.
posted by FJT at 8:36 AM on November 28, 2014 [40 favorites]

Perhaps some reflection on the premise of this super serious criticism is in order.

Jedi, Force Heal thyself.
posted by distressingly thick sheets at 8:37 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Our fearless leader, everyone
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:38 AM on November 28, 2014 [49 favorites]

Less lens flare in this version.
posted by Wordshore at 8:39 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

That shot of the Falcon just felt flat. I dunno, maybe I'm just so done with the Abrams style, but that ship looked like it had no heft.
posted by RakDaddy at 8:41 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Jedi, Force Heal thyself.

Touché. But still, it's only a movie.
posted by LooseFilter at 8:41 AM on November 28, 2014

The lightsaber crossguard is pretty terrible.

I think it's the first one with an exhaust manifold.
posted by uraniumwilly at 8:42 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

but that ship looked like it had no heft.

And by this I am sure we mean "unparalleled thrust-to-mass ratio."
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:43 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

"Realism" in fantasy is complicated. Small details that don't fit are worse in a way because they are so obviously fixable when placing yourself in the story. Similarly, characters acting against motivation or making "bad" decisions within the assumptions of the story are more noticeable than big picture problems. The world of fantasy stories is understood to not work, but actions and decisions of main characters are the point of the story.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 8:44 AM on November 28, 2014 [13 favorites]

Our fearless leader, everyone

That killed.
posted by uraniumwilly at 8:45 AM on November 28, 2014

I think it's the first one with an exhaust manifold.

Occasionally the lightsaber will sneeze and blow extra flames, like Snot Rod.
posted by Kabanos at 8:46 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

Flying really low to the ground is hella dangerous and stupid, right? I liked the trailer overall, just for being completely non-sensical but seeming exciting.
posted by mathowie at 8:47 AM on November 28, 2014

I'm gonna watch this, but first I have to go to Tashe Station to get some power converters.

For whatever reason, my Quicktime isn't displaying this. Don't know why. I've updated and reinstalled and still...
posted by nubs at 8:51 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

This makes me happy.

It shouldn't. But it does.

It brings me back to being a 12 year old.
posted by cacofonie at 8:51 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

"The Force Awakens" Why snoozing, Force? Aren't you supposed to be all, Zen-eternal and shit?
posted by uraniumwilly at 8:52 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Good call on the Bloom County strip, I fondly remember that sequence.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:53 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Flying really low to the ground is hella dangerous and stupid, right?

Not necessarily stupid - it helps with radar avoidance and provides extra lift through ground effect.
posted by me & my monkey at 8:53 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

I thought that each Jedi/Sith makes their own sabers so each one is a reflection of them. "Deadly Embellishments" seems like a pretty Sith quality to have.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:54 AM on November 28, 2014 [15 favorites]

I gotta say, when the Falcon popped up, I felt like a twelve-year-old again.

That's what I call mine too!
posted by Kabanos at 8:55 AM on November 28, 2014 [54 favorites]

Seriously, not toward anybody in particular, but this thread reads like a bunch of old people who would only be satisfied with the Platonic ideal of a movie trailer.

You ever see a movie trailer and at the end of it think "Wow, that movie looks really good! I totally want to see it!"

I would have settled for that.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:56 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

Also: fuck Apple and their proprietary video plugin nonsense.

Some things never change. I seem to recall the Episode I trailer being encoded in Sorenson which of course only ran within Apple's then-new revamp of Quicktime.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 8:57 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

I think it's the first one with an exhaust manifold.

If you hold it near the scanner, it also allows you to express pay at Walgreens.
posted by horsewithnoname at 8:58 AM on November 28, 2014 [8 favorites]

And got it working...

The cross-guard is hella stupid looking. But seeing the Falcon again makes me giddy. And the X-wings cruising at wave-top.

Was that droid on a soccer ball, or did it have a soccer ball body?

Flying really low to the ground is hella dangerous and stupid, right?

Yes, but the Star Wars universe is noted for the lack of safety guidelines and such. I always say that if the Empire had instituted a Workplace Safety Office, it probably would've lasted forever. Looks like the Republic is no different.

Really, really smart to not show any of Ford, Fisher or Hamill...just the new stars.

Why snoozing, Force? Aren't you supposed to be all, Zen-eternal and shit?

After Luke brought balance to the Force, it needed a nap. Now, I'm betting it will need a long shower 'cuz it slept funny and has a crick in its neck, followed by a cup of coffee.
posted by nubs at 8:58 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

Isn't a lightsaber crossguard the only thing that would protect your hand from another lightsaber?

But yeah it's silly looking
posted by ian1977 at 8:59 AM on November 28, 2014 [8 favorites]

So - post-Lucasarts, is there any way we're going to see new and shiny videogames based on these properties? Not that the shot of those X-Wings over the lake has got me fired up, or anything...
posted by ominous_paws at 9:03 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Isn't a lightsaber crossguard the only thing that would protect your hand from another lightsaber?

Until the other lightsaber slices off the little tubes that project the crossguard, right? Just like Darth Maul's double lightsaber got cut in half.
posted by nubs at 9:03 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

So I'm at work and just watched this. Just found out the women on one side and the man on the other are Star Wars fans. I didn't think it was THAT loud but in the minute after I got two outlook pop-ups on my screen. "Star Wars?" "You're listening to Star Wars music?"

I visited each and told them and soon enough the Star Wars theme sounded from both offices. We all agreed that we really hope this is good but aren't holding our breath. Too much history of disappointment.

Can you tell the big boss is out of the office today?
posted by Jalliah at 9:03 AM on November 28, 2014 [7 favorites]

They should have gone all the way and added a laser basket hilt.
posted by Kabanos at 9:03 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

After Luke brought balance to the Force, it needed a nap.

The Force said, "I just need, like, 10 minutes. My beachball droid will handle everything while I'm out."
posted by uraniumwilly at 9:03 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

is there any way we're going to see new and shiny videogames based on these properties?

Is there any way we're *not*?

EA and Disney Team Up on New Star Wars Games (2013)
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:07 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

I mean clearly the right move is to construct some sort of lightsaber-bodysuit so you can just run at your enemies and cut through them like butter.

Yeah, kind of a porcupine lightsaber suit. That'd be awesome.
posted by Brockles at 9:08 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

I mean clearly the right move is to construct some sort of lightsaber-bodysuit so you can just run at your enemies and cut through them like butter.

Ever since the debacle at the Foot Academy, that's been outlawed.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:09 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

Star Was was once new and disruptive. Now it is The Man's mainstream culture, the very Dark Side it originally subverted. It can't work anymore, except as historical artifacts of the 3 films.
posted by stbalbach at 9:12 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

X-Wings and the Millennium Falcon are still in service 30 years later

The B-52 will have been in service for 60 years this coming February.
The Sea King helicopter has been in service for 51 years.
The F-18 has been in service for 31 years.
posted by furtive at 9:14 AM on November 28, 2014 [12 favorites]

It can't work anymore, except as historical artifacts of the 3 films.

I wonder if folks thought same about Toy Story.
posted by uraniumwilly at 9:15 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

I mean clearly the right move is to construct some sort of lightsaber-bodysuit so you can just run at your enemies and cut through them like butter.

Naw, the right move is always to take off and nuke the site from orbit.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:15 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Official version on YouTube. Goes to 1080p, requires no Quicktime annoyance.
posted by Nelson at 9:18 AM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

I mean clearly the right move is to construct some sort of lightsaber-bodysuit

I see now the Special Special Edition: Luke standing in Obi-Wan's hut, the fifty blue blades of Anakin's lightsaber suit ("He wanted you to have it when you were old enough,") jutting out at odd angles: "A more elegant hedgehog suit for a more elegant age."
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:18 AM on November 28, 2014 [10 favorites]

Intellectually, yeah, it's Disney printing money, but my inner ten-year-old emerged and I went YESSSS! when the Falcon showed up. (But I didn't even try to go to the panel discussion at the Alamo South Lamar this morning. I'm not that much of a Star Wars fan.)
posted by immlass at 9:29 AM on November 28, 2014

What, is that Lando's kid in that Stormtrooper outfit at the start?

Yes, because there is only one Black people in this part of the galaxy/historical era
posted by clockzero at 9:33 AM on November 28, 2014 [19 favorites]

Kevin Smith has been on the set, and he's exited.
posted by Harald74 at 9:35 AM on November 28, 2014

I just keep telling myself that Disney can't make more of a mess than Lucas already did.

They've already shown in a few seconds they understand Howard the Duck better than Lucas could at feature length.
posted by cottoncandybeard at 9:36 AM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

From the shot-by-shot linked above: Confirmed: TIE fighters! Also, remember the dish that was knocked off the Millennium Falcon in Return of the Jedi? It's still missing here.

I had to supress a small squee at the end of that paragraph...
posted by Harald74 at 9:37 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Why wouldn't they have replaced it? Presumably it served some sort of function other than picking up HBO.
posted by entropicamericana at 9:42 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

how about a gun that shoots lightsaber flechettes

game changer
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:42 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

entropicamericana: "Why wouldn't they have replaced it? Presumably it served some sort of function other than picking up HBO."

The replacement is also a light saber, in the shape of a dish. It looks cool.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 9:45 AM on November 28, 2014 [7 favorites]

Good a place as any to link to Cortex's Star Wars inspired Taylor Swift parody
posted by The Whelk at 9:47 AM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

The B-52 will have been in service for 60 years this coming February.

Y'know mightygodking's explanation was already pretty good, but I wanted to bring up something since this is the second time the comparison has been brought up.

I don't think it makes sense to compare the military of an established hyperpower like the United States (that hasn't engaged in total war for like 70 years) with the Rebel Alliance (which did fight a total war against the Galactic Empire 30 years ago, according to the premise of this new movie).

I think it depends on which 30 year period of history we choose to look at. There's really not much change or very slow change for any 30 year period before about the 17th or 18th century. But after that, you can definitely pick out periods where 30 years makes all the difference. For example, ship combat changed a lot from the era of the American Civil War to the 1890s. The period between WWI and WWII would be another. Or even air combat from the end of WWII to the 1970s.
posted by FJT at 9:47 AM on November 28, 2014

Now might be a good time to review just how much involvement George Lucas has with the story - you know, to help calibrate expectations. From a 2013 Business Week article, How Disney Bought Lucasfilm (linking to page 4):

[Disney CEO] Iger wanted to make sure that Lucas, who was used to controlling every aspect of Star Wars, from set design to lunchboxes, understood that Disney, not Lucasfilm, would have final say over any future movies. “We needed to have an understanding that if we acquire the company, despite tons of collegial conversations and collaboration, at the end of the day, we have to be the ones who sign off on whatever the plans are,” says Alan Horn, chairman of Walt Disney Studios.

Lucas agreed, in theory. The reality of giving up control weighed on him, though...

At first Lucas wouldn’t even turn over his rough sketches of the next three Star Wars films. When Disney executives asked to see them, he assured them they would be great and said they should just trust him. “Ultimately you have to say, ‘Look, I know what I’m doing. Buying my stories is part of what the deal is.’ I’ve worked at this for 40 years, and I’ve been pretty successful,” Lucas says. “I mean, I could have said, ‘Fine, well, I’ll just sell the company to somebody else.’ ”

Once Lucas got assurances from Disney in writing about the broad outlines of the deal, he agreed to turn over the treatments...

[Lucas has] attended story meetings for the new film, adjudicating the physical laws and attributes of the Star Wars universe. “I mostly say, ‘You can’t do this. You can do that,’ ” Lucas says. “You know, ‘The cars don’t have wheels. They fly with antigravity.’ There’s a million little pieces. Or I can say, ‘He doesn’t have the power to do that, or he has to do this.’ I know all that stuff.”

I think it's pretty clear this is basically George Lucas' story we're getting. Calibrate expectations accordingly, I suppose.
posted by mediareport at 9:49 AM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

Harald74: "Kevin Smith has been on the set, and he's exited ."

why does kevin smith only own hockey muumuus.
posted by boo_radley at 9:51 AM on November 28, 2014 [10 favorites]

It probably is too much to expect safe weapons in a universe full of mile-high (or floating) buildings with naught but a short railing between safety and plummeting death. You know what kind of force fields would be good, standard fields along all your stupid walkways and balconies that keep you from falling off, those would be good.

(but I also loved the fighters skimming the water...that looked more real than anything I've seen from these movies. It did give me shivers.)

I am not JJ Abrams' biggest fan, but the last trilogy brought this series to such depths of terribleness that I have hopes he can elevate it, just a little. It would also be nice if he did a better job with the women in this one than he did in Trek.
posted by emjaybee at 9:51 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Auden:"Those X-Wings over the water were beautiful."

I paused the teaser at that point, and damn if it doesn't look like the cover of a 70s sci-fi magazine (or an Atari cartridge). If nothing else, *that* was cool.
posted by notsnot at 9:52 AM on November 28, 2014 [11 favorites]

Ridiculous new lazer sword designs are basically a Star Wars tradition at this point.
posted by Small Dollar at 9:54 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Re Disney buying Lucasfilm:

I wrote about it a bit on my site when it happened, but in short, and in my professional opinion, Disney buying Lucasfilm meant the chance of any future Star Wars films actually being entertaining went up exponentially, particularly because it's clear that the company is applying the Marvel model to the universe. The Marvel movies are super-competent entertainments that apply excellent actors to better-than-they-have-to-be plots, which make them (at the time you're stuffing popcorn in your mouth) seem really smart and fun and entertaining. I'd be up for that in Star Wars.
posted by jscalzi at 10:00 AM on November 28, 2014 [24 favorites]

NO YOU WATCHED THAT TEASER TRAILER 12 TIMES IN A ROW AND THEN DOWNLOADED IT IN 1080p.
posted by Fizz at 10:03 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

In Small Dollar's link is an idiom I'd never heard before. In case it's new to you, as well: on a hiding to nothing.
posted by Ian A.T. at 10:05 AM on November 28, 2014 [12 favorites]

Disney buying Lucasfilm meant the chance of any future Star Wars films actually being entertaining went up exponentially

I'd be with you, jscalzi, if not for that "Buying my stories is part of what the deal is" quote from Lucas. Add his involvement in the story meetings and I'm really skeptical there's gonna be much to wow us in the actual tale.
posted by mediareport at 10:05 AM on November 28, 2014

Why don't the lightsaber cross guards just emanate above a little metal piece, so that you couldn't accidentally slice your hand off but it would still repel other light sabers
posted by clockzero at 10:07 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Why don't the lightsaber cross guards just emanate above a little metal piece, so that you couldn't accidentally slice your hand off but it would still repel other light sabers

Because reasons and it looks cool, that's why.
posted by Fizz at 10:08 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'm fully with jscalzi, even if Lucas is in on the movie planning, the Disney company is one of the best entertainment companies on the planet, and they put one of the best directors in charge of this. It can't suck, everyone involved loves Star Wars, and if it's anything like the Marvel movies, it's going to be really great.
posted by mathowie at 10:08 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

I think Lucas is pretty good at developing the broad outlines of a story. It's the details that lead him inexorably up his own ass. The basic storyline of the prequel trilogy is pretty good. But the details. Oh the details.
posted by wabbittwax at 10:09 AM on November 28, 2014 [10 favorites]

The B-52 will have been in service for 60 years this coming February.
The Sea King helicopter has been in service for 51 years.
The F-18 has been in service for 31 years.

In contrast, the lightsaber is like an iPhone, with a new model coming out every year or so. ("Oooh, gold laser!")
posted by Kabanos at 10:10 AM on November 28, 2014 [10 favorites]

the Disney company is one of the best entertainment companies on the planet

I agree with this, but let's not forget John Carter and Mars Needs Moms.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 10:10 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Admittedly, by first thought was "Holy shit, another black person! Abrahams is really going in a different direction."

Then there were X-Wings and the Falcon and I was all "meh".
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:10 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Can you tell the big boss is out of the office today?

Yes, because your story didn't end with Star Wars music coming out of his/her office.
posted by dances with hamsters at 10:10 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

mediareport:

If all he's involved in is story, it'll be fine. He was involved in the story for Empire, recall. And then Brackett and Kasdan wrote the script.
posted by jscalzi at 10:11 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

I agree with this, but let's not forget John Carter and Mars Needs Moms.

I was about to say that along with Tron: Legacy. Of course, this was when Disney was still trying to muck it out and make something the 15 to 30 year old boys would find interesting, instead of just buying Marvel and Star Wars, so things may have changed a bit.
posted by FJT at 10:13 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

"Those X-Wings over the water were beautiful."

Hmmm. The "Global warming on Tatooine" sub-plot to show off Disney's eco-credentials seems a bit iffy.
posted by Wordshore at 10:15 AM on November 28, 2014

Also, I know this isn't "canon" or whatever, but has anyone else imagined what the star wars universe would be like if Sith and Jedi had guitars instead of lightsabers
posted by clockzero at 10:15 AM on November 28, 2014 [23 favorites]

Hey, is Wedge in this?
posted by Chrysostom at 10:16 AM on November 28, 2014 [8 favorites]

Those hilt blades look like they'd be way more likely to maim you than your opponenet.

I just realized they are probably there to protect against other lightsabers cutting your hand off, and perhaps it's a subtle nod to past events.

Although I've always imagined that if lightsabers existed in real life, they would certainly be banned due to all of the accidental maimings and misjudging of distance when you turn the thing on. A good practical joke would be to give someone a lightsaber that was actually two times too long, or set up the grip handle such that it operates backwards.
posted by SpacemanStix at 10:16 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

The real question is how this new film will affect the fortunes of the Internet Party of Ukraine, which did not fare well in the parliamentary elections this year.
posted by Kabanos at 10:17 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Sighing heavily, Matt reaches over his cat hair encrusted scanner to type up a new strapline for his community blog.

"MetaFilter: The Best of the Web + THERE'S A NEW STAR WARS SOMETHING ON THE NET"
posted by Wordshore at 10:18 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

I don't know whether to squee or snark.

Oh well. Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:20 AM on November 28, 2014 [16 favorites]

Kevin Smith has been on the set, and he's exited yt .

Well, principal photography finished weeks ago so I would hope he is out of there by now.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:21 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

I was just listening to the Idle Thumbs discussion of JJ Abrams, and this trailer perfectly illustrates their idea about him: He's a ".275 clubhouse guy." He's a workman who takes few risks and never does anything great. The problem is, he isn't an athlete or an office worker. There's no point in seeking out just-above-average art, unless you are stuck on a plane or something.

I would rather they got someone that tried something interesting and maybe failed. If they were a failure, it's not like there's a Star Wars Goodness Average that affects our lives. The original movies would still be just as good. If they were amazing, then we'd get some more amazing movies, rather than just some serviceable Additional Content Packs.
posted by ignignokt at 10:23 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

My fanwank is that the force is now spreading like a plague across the galaxy without any sith to keep it in balance. Midochlorians flying everywhere! virgin births for everyone!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:24 AM on November 28, 2014 [18 favorites]

Hey, is Wedge in this?

The guy who played him said he was not interested in returning.
posted by mkultra at 10:24 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Re: lightsaber crossguard

This is a universe where the underlying technology basically gives the inhabitants god-like powers before you even get into the mystical force stuff. You can throw absurd amounts of power into any object and it just seems to run forever. How much power does antigravity take? It's obviously little enough of a concern that you can just leave your landspeeder idling in hover mode. How much power does a lightsaber take? That's a tiny little handle and it's doing weird things with physics that we can't do with massive, expensive, power-hungry equipment. So they can pretty much just do whatever they want from a technological standpoint. Which leads me to believe that all the shitty run-down stuff, all the weird, stylized-but-inefficient ways to implement technology (hello AT-ATs) are just affectations. The inhabitants of this galaxy could do miraculous things with the technology we've seen, and they just do what seems cool instead. And not only that, but they are SO DEVOTED to this idea of kneecapping their own technological advances to look cool that you can wage war for years with a bitter enemy and they'll respect your weird arbitrary choices to the point that they'll die in droves trying to tie goddamn strings around the legs of your weird pointless walking death machines instead of like Gordian Knotting the problem in five seconds by not playing by your weird rules and using some bit of off-the-shelf prosumer REALITY BENDING TECHNOLOGY to blast you out of the sky the moment you exit hyperspace.

So sure, lightsaber crossguard, why not?
posted by jason_steakums at 10:26 AM on November 28, 2014 [86 favorites]

I agree with this, but let's not forget John Carter

I would love to get a Star Wars movie that was as much fun as John Carter , with design as beautiful and inventive as its airships and a female protagonist with as much agency and as well-written as that movie's version of Dejah Thoris.
posted by straight at 10:29 AM on November 28, 2014 [25 favorites]

The timing of this movie is really interesting, the people who saw it first run when they where about 7 (whom I assume are the most ardent fans, in general) would be about 46ish now so they probobly have older teenage/ young adult children - I:E the most ardent fans of the MCU movies.

You know there was a discussion of how they could appeal to both audiences so I'm expecting way more action (Then again a light spa day has more action than the prequels but whatever)
posted by The Whelk at 10:30 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

So - post-Lucasarts, is there any way we're going to see new and shiny videogames based on these properties?

I'm sure there will be tie-in games, but I have little faith that they'll live up to the X-Wing and TIE Fighter of my youth. For one thing, I'm 20 years older than I was then, and for another thing, the "simulation" genre is increasingly niche. Sure, there's Star Citizen and Elite: Dangerous, and they're doing well, but I can't imagine Disney will release a title targeted to that audience when there's a much, much bigger mainstream audience who prefer games with simpler (or rather, complex in different ways) non-simulator mechanics.
posted by Alterscape at 10:30 AM on November 28, 2014

(John Carter's not a bad movie with you want that kind of thing it was just surrealy marketed)
posted by The Whelk at 10:30 AM on November 28, 2014 [9 favorites]

Whoa, actually, I just thought of a counter-example to what I said about not needing mediocre art: My wife and I watch the PBS Poirot series on Netflix when we're tired and want something to watch we eat that's not too intense. I don't go to movies for that, but I guess I can see someone doing that. So, there in fact a use case for Abrams's stuff.
posted by ignignokt at 10:32 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

The timing of this movie is really interesting

Also, the time between the release of Return Of The Jedi and Phantom Menace will be the same as between Phantom Menace and The Force Awakens. Oof.
posted by Ian A.T. at 10:36 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

Also, I know this isn't "canon" or whatever, but has anyone else imagined what the star wars universe would be like if Sith and Jedi had guitars instead of lightsabers


Yes.
posted by logicpunk at 10:37 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Although I've always imagined that if lightsabers existed in real life, they would certainly be banned due to all of the accidental maimings and misjudging of distance when you turn the thing on. A good practical joke would be to give someone a lightsaber that was actually two times too long, or set up the grip handle such that it operates backwards.

IIRC, part of the reason that only Jedi use light sabers is they use the Force to sense where the blade is.

/nerd
posted by Fleebnork at 10:44 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

I think you're all missing the main point, here -- probably because there is no indication in the trailer:

More Han Solo and more Leia Organa.

More Han Solo and more Leia Organa.

More Han Solo and more Leia Organa.

Seriously, what do you guys watch the movies for?
posted by tzikeh at 10:51 AM on November 28, 2014 [10 favorites]

Thank you, Star Wars, for making a shitty Friday feel like spring in 1977. Hearing that music again, stormtroopers and Tie Fighters and the Millennium Falcon! Yay!
posted by Kevin Street at 10:51 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

I'm excited to see the third Deathstar, and learn how they all pull together and blow that one up too!
posted by blue_beetle at 10:55 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

I'm excited to see the third Deathstar, and learn how they all pull together and blow that one up too!

The tunnel they have to fly down this time is really twisty.
posted by dng at 10:58 AM on November 28, 2014 [18 favorites]

The only weird theme I can see is that everything is taking place on a planet. Not sure if they're all the same planet. Probably not.
posted by Kevin Street at 10:58 AM on November 28, 2014

Look. You people saw what he did to the Star Trek franchise.

Don't get your hopes up, beauty shots of X-wings, funky lightsabers and the Millennium Falcon notwithstanding.

JJ Abrams is a terrible, terrible filmmaker.

He will break your heart, as bad or even worse than George Lucas has.

Trust me on this.
posted by KHAAAN! at 11:00 AM on November 28, 2014 [32 favorites]

The only weird theme I can see is that everything is taking place on a planet. Not sure if they're all the same planet. Probably not.

Or maybe we've found the first planet in the Star Wars universe that has more than one type of terrain.
posted by thecjm at 11:00 AM on November 28, 2014 [24 favorites]

I'm really torn about the idea of more star wars. Obviously we've been burned before and it seems naive to hope that these will not just be another disappointment. Its hard to live up to nostalgia, and maybe nostalgia just belongs in the past, etc. But on the other hand, the cat is already out of the bag with crappy star wars movies, so whats the harm? Maybe there can be more great star wars, especially without George Lucas getting in the way of himself. And this trailer does look awesome. It's CGI and modern and doesn't look like 70's star wars, but to me it does feel like star wars - more so than the prequels. So I can't help myself from getting somewhat excited about this.
posted by jpdoane at 11:03 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Or maybe we've found the first planet in the Star Wars universe that has more than one type of terrain.

Heh, maybe. But the desert scenes are probably Tatooine. Every series of three seems to start there.
posted by Kevin Street at 11:04 AM on November 28, 2014

If all he's involved in is story, it'll be fine. He was involved in the story for Empire, recall. And then Brackett and Kasdan wrote the script.

Not to mention that you seriously don't understand Disney as a company if you don't think they can target language holes in contracts like they were bullseye-ing womp rats in their T-16s back home. They'll have figured out how to stretch more creative independence from their agreement than Lucas was expecting, I'll bet.

Lucas' company is no slouch, to be sure, but if The Mouse can't keep George Lucas from ruining these movies from even his admittedly close remove, then it cannot be done by mortal men.

JJ Abrams is a terrible, terrible filmmaker.

I can see why people think this, and he's certainly made his mistakes, but I strongly disagree.

He will break your heart, as bad or even worse than George Lucas has.

This one I don't understand at all. Go back and watch Eps 1 and 2. Then watch the worst thing Abrams ever made. It's not even close.
posted by middleclasstool at 11:05 AM on November 28, 2014 [16 favorites]

WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST THROW A BALL OF LIGHTSABERS AT THE DEATH STAR???
posted by Behemoth at 11:06 AM on November 28, 2014 [10 favorites]

WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST THROW A BALL OF LIGHTSABERS AT THE DEATH STAR???

Why isn't the Death Star just a huge ball of lightsabers in the first place?
posted by jason_steakums at 11:12 AM on November 28, 2014 [9 favorites]

JJ Abrams is a terrible, terrible filmmaker.

I thought his first Star Trek film was terrific. Yes, including the lens flares. Way better than space whales or the quest for space god or the "actually the Borg are not a collective!" or whatever. The second Abrams Star Trek I didn't like quite as much, but it had amazing parts too. He is not a terrible filmmaker.
posted by Nelson at 11:12 AM on November 28, 2014 [27 favorites]

Why isn't the Death Star just a huge ball of lightsabers in the first place?

How do we know it isn't? It's a giant lightsaber that positions itself at just the right distance from the target, and those guys with the cool black helmets turn the lightsaber on and off. The lightsaber activates, stretches out, touches the target with it's tip, destroys the target, then retracts.
posted by thecjm at 11:15 AM on November 28, 2014 [8 favorites]

I like the feel of the trailer. So say if the entire movie follows that vein and we get a plot that is engaging, this should be a heckuva movie.
posted by Meatafoecure at 11:18 AM on November 28, 2014

There's no earthly way this trilogy can be more of a letdown than the prequels, even if it's somehow worse (and brother, that would be a trick) just because we've seen the series fail before.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:19 AM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

My friend posted this to Facebook, but substituted the YouTube link with the link to the Phantom Menace trailer.

Straight-up Grade-A trolling. I couldn't even bring myself to be angry.
posted by schmod at 11:21 AM on November 28, 2014 [22 favorites]

The cross guard on the lightsaber is a pretty dumb idea, but maybe it shows that this guy is so good he never cuts his leg off accidentally or anything. And maybe his big move is to hook an opponent's saber on the guard and disarm them. Like he gets in close, flicks your saber away and then punches you in the face.
posted by Kevin Street at 11:25 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

JJ Abrams likes to troll people who are familiar with the original franchise (see Into Darkness). In the boardroom this is probably called "synergy." *clasps hands together*

It's just a questions of guessing it right. I fully expect some kind of half-naked, chained up Han Solo, a female lead, and a full role reversal of the "I love you"/"I know" sequence. This to me is utterly obvious.
posted by phaedon at 11:28 AM on November 28, 2014 [14 favorites]

The crossguard seems dumb because unlike steel blades lightsabers never seem to slide down one another at all, despite also seeming to have more or less zero bind (until we need to have a dramatic corps-a-corps, of course).
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 11:28 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Seriously, not toward anybody in particular, but this thread reads like a bunch of old people who would only be satisfied with the Platonic ideal of a movie trailer.

I really, really think that part of the problem is that movie makers are misjudging what is important to the moviegoer, and it's matured from the inception of the series. The original Star Wars movie really captured people's imaginations, in large part, with the special effects. Remember Red Forman's reaction in That 70's Show? The special effects turned doubters into true believers at the drop of a dime. We liked the characters and grew to love them, but people went multiple times because the movie was doing something that had never been done at that scale before.

However, we've come to the place now where CGI and other special effects do not impress like they used to, and we're coming to the point where we've tapped out our ability to give people a genuine "wow" moment like in the early days of ILM.

So what do we need? We need character driven films that tap into our nostalgia more than we are wowed by the newest special effects. I think this is in large part why episodes I, II, and III hurt so much. It wasn't about the technology as much as it was about the lore and characters, and the secondary was treated as if it wasn't as important. This is simply part of Lucas's philosophy of film making. He's going for the romping ride most of the time over acting concerns (and has said as much), but much of the luster has worn off on how we can do the wild ride in new and innovative ways.

That's probably where some of the criticism of this new trailer is being felt, and I feel a twinge of concern amidst my optimism. We want to know if we are going to get characters we love and appreciate in a universe that we know but don't always need to be wowed by anymore. Notice that the most positive responses to the trailer so far seem to be to the Millennium Falcon showing up, which is a "character" we've grown to love. The next really good trailer should pull in as many of the characters who are recurring from the original trilogy as possible, throw in some nice CGI that isn't designed to blow our socks off but create some nostalgia, and give us a great reason for being concerned about them. It would blow everyone's socks off.
posted by SpacemanStix at 11:34 AM on November 28, 2014 [10 favorites]

Light sabers cut through everything else because of the earth-physics-boggling wattage of the lasers. The earth-physics-boggling magnetic fields that are able to bend these lasers back around on themselves and keep the energy contained to the beam area also interfere with other sabers' magnetic fields when they encounter them, which is why light sabers don't slide against one another easily but seem to "stick." The "blades" are like, extremely tall, thin plasma toruses.

Right?
posted by distressingly thick sheets at 11:39 AM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

That's a good point, Steely-eyed Missile Man. Most of the time lightsabers seem to stick together rather than slide. The Verge did find a single instance where there's a lightsaber slide (1:08 in the YouTube video), and Count Dooku nearly takes Obi Wan's hand off.

Hypothesis: lightsabers made in the good old days when Jedi studied at the academy would occasionally slide against each other, thus making a crossbar a risky but not completely insane idea. But in Episodes IV to VI we're seeing really old weapons, or Luke's homemade version, which may not be tuned well enough to slide.
posted by Kevin Street at 11:39 AM on November 28, 2014

If he does what he did with Star Trek he will...significantly improve on the last few preceding movies. That did not break my heart, the continuing lack of any new Star Trek TV series does though.
posted by Drinky Die at 11:40 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Where's Jar-jar?
posted by lagomorphius at 11:42 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Sweaty faced John Boyega is doing more acting in 2 seconds than anyone did in the entire prequel series.
posted by thecjm at 11:44 AM on November 28, 2014 [23 favorites]

Where's Jar-jar?

Busy designing lightsabers.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:45 AM on November 28, 2014 [27 favorites]

The crossguard lightsaber, also known as the forked lightsaber, was a type of lightsaber seen very rarely. One Jedi known to use such a weapon was Roblio Darté, whose lightsaber had two blue blades.

Roblio Darté's crossguard lightsaber was essentially a regular lightsaber with a second blade emitter protruding near the first one at a 45-degree angle to the axis of the hilt. The blade the second emitter emitted was dagger-sized. Roblio Darté's hilt was also built with a slight curve.

(From: Wookieepedia. Hat tip to Reddit)
posted by Gordion Knott at 11:45 AM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Where's Jar-jar?

Louder, angrier, and has access to a time machine.
posted by entropicamericana at 11:45 AM on November 28, 2014 [8 favorites]

Am I the only one who really wanted the new trailer with the "Binary Sunset" theme rather than the full-on explosive main theme?

Sometimes subtlety is what hits you hardest. And more than anything, this is my fondest childhood movie moment.
posted by mysticreferee at 11:49 AM on November 28, 2014 [9 favorites]

Notice that the most positive responses to the trailer so far seem to be to the Millennium Falcon showing up, which is a "character" we've grown to love.

I will add that the X-Wings over the water was fantastic too. Someone mentioned that it conveyed a sense of weight, which I think is right. There should be a golden rule of CGI from here on out that special effects should be employed only if they can capture the weight of the early ILM effects (which used models, etc.) and not come off feeling like it's a cut scene in a video game. We've all seen the best of those, and it doesn't impress as much as it used to.
posted by SpacemanStix at 11:50 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

The movie doesn't come out until next December. Maybe these scenes are just what they've filmed so far.
posted by lagomorphius at 11:50 AM on November 28, 2014

This guy on deviantART had the crossguard idea in 2010.
posted by Kabanos at 11:51 AM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Maybe these scenes are just what they've filmed so far.

The principal photography has completed filming, but I imagine that could very well be the case for post-production stuff.
posted by SpacemanStix at 11:52 AM on November 28, 2014

I am conflicted. Basically I go back and forth from "fuck you disney for the marketing tidal wave you're about to subject this country to for the next ten years" to "omg millennium falcon awesome."

My childhood included Star Wars because it was a great story to escape into. Now I fear my child will find it impossible to escape Star Wars.
posted by M Edward at 11:54 AM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

The lightsabers in the Wookieepedia illustrations make more sense, since there's only one cross prong, and it's angled forward towards the blade. Much harder to accidentally kill yourself with that design.
posted by Kevin Street at 11:54 AM on November 28, 2014

Maybe these scenes are just what they've filmed so far.

Nah, they're done with the main filming, but they're holding off on revealing Our Heroes until later trailers. They have a full year until the movie comes out, after all.
posted by tzikeh at 11:55 AM on November 28, 2014

The guy who played him said he was not interested in returning.

It's okay if he pulls out. He wasn't doing any good back there, anyway.
posted by MysteriousMan at 11:57 AM on November 28, 2014 [34 favorites]

"Better than the prequels" shouldn't really be the point of comparison for the new trilogy. It kind of lets off Abrams and Co. off easy, that as long as they make a movie better than the prequels it'll be all right.

But, who are we kidding? Even IF the new movies are a let down, they're still gonna make obscene amounts of money and a lot of people will still like them.

People want that "Star Wars IS BACK!" feeling, and they want to move beyond the prequels (or stick it to Lucas) so badly that they'll love this movie regardless. The movie isn't just a movie, obviously. In addition to the "comeback kid", this Star Wars is also going to act as the third trilogy debut event, and also as the big wedding party between Lucasfilm and Disney.
posted by FJT at 11:58 AM on November 28, 2014

Our Heroes

Referring to them that way just gave me goosebumps. I think it's because we've held them in our hearts for so long; and for me, it has been since my formative years as a kid. It really is going to be awesome to see them back on the screen. I think it is an event that should create way more expectation than the release of episode I back in the day.
posted by SpacemanStix at 12:00 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

My first thought with those cross-bars was that the sith had taken the combo cigar-cutter/lighter option on their new sabre.

My second thought is that somewhere Samuel L. Jackson is thumping his head on a desk.
posted by bonehead at 12:04 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Here is why I think JJ Abrams is a terrible filmmaker:

His movies are all surface gloss. He can compose pretty images, but that’s all. In terms of telling a story, or giving characters any kind of emotional resonance ( other than ‘ooo pretty’ or ‘wow cool’ ), there’s nothing there, other than standard hollywood boilerplate that anyone with a passing familiarity of movie vocabulary can put together. I’ve seen Super 8, I’ve seen MI III. They’re slick and stylish, but they have no heart, no human touch that I can recognize.

Looking at his film credits, he’s mostly been a producer, not a writer or director. As I understand it, producers handle the business end of film-making: managing money, setting up schedules, hiring people, schmoozing with executives. He may be great at those skills, but I don’t think they translate into an innate understanding of the creative end of filmmaking. Abrams is a businessman, with a little taste.

When it comes to his creative credits, he was one of the writers on Armageddon.

And then there are his Star Trek movies. I have a very strong emotional connection to the original Star Trek series, and the first four films, so I freely admit I have a bias.

As far as I’m concerned, the JJ Abrams' Star Treks were soulless, tone-deaf, and stupid, with the second one being especially incoherent, and sexist to boot.

The new Star Wars films will be very pretty, I’m sure.
posted by KHAAAN! at 12:06 PM on November 28, 2014 [17 favorites]

The magic of Star Wars on 1st viewing was the portrayal of epic diversity in a galaxy endangered by the Empire and worth defending. The trilogy showed just enough to hint at a riotous cultural and technological canvas crammed with storytelling (nay, mythmaking) possibilities.

The more we know of this galaxy, the less magical it feels. It's counterproductive to be fleshing out the original mythos or explicating background information. *cough* Wookiepedia *cough*
posted by growli at 12:10 PM on November 28, 2014 [12 favorites]

I dunno, I really liked the new Star Trek movies, especially Into Darkness. I never got very excited by any of the TV series except the original though. Maybe that's because of my age. I have the same nostalgia for Kirk kissing blue aliens as I do for the original Star Wars trilogy. Whoopi Goldberg talking with people in the ship bar or whatever ... meh.

Back to SW, Episodes 1-3 were just terrible. They didn't let anyone ACT. Hayden Christiansen was especially terrible, but even Ewan/Liam were like ugh who cares. It was just a bunch of crappy CGI scenes blending into one another. Go watch the first SW and notice the way the dialogue scenes are filmed, like Han/Greedo or Han/Ben/Luke in the cantina. Face 1/face 2/closeup face 1/closeup face 2 etc. Basic moviemaking 101 for a reason. They just forgot to do any of that in the prequels. Completely.

So ... IDK. JJ Abrams has a mixed track record but his ST movies were fun and exciting and well-acted, so the new SW movies are bound to be better.
posted by freecellwizard at 12:16 PM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

My literal response upon viewing this: "Holy Shitsnacks!"
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:17 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Here's what.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 12:22 PM on November 28, 2014 [9 favorites]

Ok let me defend Abrams for an extremely brief second.

First of all, MI:3, despite all the hate it gets, is in my opinion a really good movie. Look, Abrams get a lot of the top-tier reboots. I disliked his Star Trek movies but let me throw a couple of other reboots out there for you.

Robocop. Prometheus. Terminator. AVP. Indiana Jones. The Thing. Superman. The list is endless. Even X-Men is a mess, and the last Dark Knight made me barf a little.

I would put Abrams somewhere far below Cameron but on top of a large pile of other shitty directors. I just wish he would break out with something original that had a beating heart. He just never comes across as bigger than the material he is directing.

To his credit, this has allowed him to jump from one franchise to the next. Hollywood's really unbelievable in this regard.
posted by phaedon at 12:22 PM on November 28, 2014

A comment I read earlier today elsewhere said something to the effect of "Star Trek fans hated the JJTreks because they were Star Wars movies wearing a Star Trek suit."

Which isn't entirely accurate, but I agree with the notion that his sense of action pacing is much better suited to Star Wars.
posted by Fleebnork at 12:24 PM on November 28, 2014 [9 favorites]

So they can pretty much just do whatever they want from a technological standpoint. Which leads me to believe that all the shitty run-down stuff, all the weird, stylized-but-inefficient ways to implement technology (hello AT-ATs) are just affectations.

We have moderate surpluses and technology today, and yet much of the world remains troubled by deprivation and war. The SW universe is highly unsettled and plagued with politics of all the worst kinds. Even with their high-tech, I don't think that would change the politics of scarcity, simply because human(oid)s (and slugoids) still run the joint.

The thing missing in SW is better-than-human intelligences, even more so than in the ST one. If ST is a failed proto-Culture (and it is), the Empire would be one of those benighted places Contact tries to drag out of the dark ages of pretending that human-level intelligence can manage more than a couple hundred million people at a time.
posted by bonehead at 12:24 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

From that Verge article about the ridiculous awesome ridiculous new light saber. "a goddamn laser claymore. ... maybe this guy is an old Sith reawakened"

That's it! Abrams' unannounced twist is this film is actually Star Trek: the Quickening. Luke Skywalker has seemingly gone rogue and joined the Sith. But in fact he's actually hunting the head of an ancient menace. The Highlander is back, now quickened and with a claymore made of lazors. Includes a special appearance by Sean Connery's head in a jar, his lovable Scottish brogue intact.
posted by Nelson at 12:26 PM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

People are concerned about the Millennium Falcon and X-Wings still flying?

What about TIE Fighters and Storm Troopers?! The Empire fell. The Rebels kicked their TIE-Fighting Storm-Trooping asses! Gah!

It's gonna suck.
posted by Reverend John at 12:27 PM on November 28, 2014

Honestly, in the absence of any plot or meaningful dialogue or familiar characters, I'm more impressed with the black stormtrooper than CGI doing CGI things.
posted by davros42 at 12:31 PM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

...If ST is a failed proto-Culture (and it is), the Empire would be one of those benighted places Contact tries to drag out of the dark ages of pretending that human-level intelligence can manage more than a couple hundred million people at a time.

A big theme in the prequels (or at least I remember it being big, but it's been awhile), is that the Galactic Senate is completely dysfunctional. Thousands of years ago it might have been an effective form of government, but by the time of Episode I it's grown so huge and is so full of divergent interests that it takes years to get anything done at all. Palpatine thought the solution was one man/one rule, but by the time of Jedi he was so obsessed with total control that his navy couldn't even fight without him.
posted by Kevin Street at 12:33 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

I don't get the Abrams hate. It mainly seems to be coming from older Star Trek fans that resent him for making their beloved series into something commercially successful. Even working on the premise that STIV was good (and a lot of people disagree with that assessment), no one had managed to make a good Star Trek movie for 25 years before JJ took the reigns. Nobody seems to mind that Undiscovered Country or Nemesis were bad movies, because they were so mediocre. But they sure as hell weren't living up to any sort of standard of film making and storytelling that you guys want to accuse Abrams of failing.

So now, with about a minute worth of footage, even less of that with actors in frame, and no on screen dialog you're ready to write this movie off as a bunch of over-produced Hollywood fluff. Have you forgotten how utterly leaden the acting and script was in everything George Lucas has done in the past 30 years? He somehow made Samuel L Jackson and Ewan McGregor come across as dull!

Abrams only works in Hollywood archetypes, and you're complaining? That's exactly what made the original Star Wars so good. The farmerboy turned savior. The rake hiding a heart of gold. The princess who won't stand down. They'll all archetypes, and we love them. So bring on the Stormtrooper finding his soul and turning against his masters and the girl who lives by her wits on the streets or whatever these characters end up being. I'm looking forward to it.
posted by thecjm at 12:34 PM on November 28, 2014 [30 favorites]

I'm more impressed with the black stormtrooper than CGI doing CGI things

Although, if they're clones, and he's black, that means they're all black. Which means that when we watch Star Wars we're watching white people mowing down an army of black guys like they're grass.

I thought they were all supposed to be maori, though.

(Or maybe they're not all supposed to be clones. I didn't really pay that much attention when I watched the prequels.)
posted by Grangousier at 12:36 PM on November 28, 2014

The problem with the crossguard is the same as the problem with midichlorians is the same as the problem with force-resistant lizards that Thrawn could wear in a backpack as a Jedi-immunity device: The essential coolness of Jedi and the source of their awesome deadliness with lightsabers, is that they're conduits of the mystical unity of the universe, the Force. Clever riffs like crossguards or symbiotic bacteria externalize their power when the whole awesomeness of it is that it's internal. With the double ended lightsaber you could argue that Sith were, by definition, perverted expressions of that mysticism, so no biggie, but still... somewhere along the line that basic mystic/technology tension was lost and Jedi became just another faction with their own bag of tricks. It's sad because endless deep stories could be spun out from 1) the struggle of Jedi to be pure conduits of the Force vs. self-interested exploiters of it, and 2) mysticism vs. technology (and 3) the wars of the powerful grinding the weak underfoot).
posted by fatbird at 12:38 PM on November 28, 2014 [9 favorites]

Thousands of years ago it might have been an effective form of government, but by the time of Episode I it's grown so huge and is so full of divergent interests that it takes years to get anything done at all.

This (and the slow pace of technology development) are some of the biggest elements of Herbert that Lucas stole was inspired by. Though the Sardaukar are better shots than the Stormtroopers.

I don't know the Expanded Universe backstory, but I'm wouldn't be surprised if there's a Butlerian Jihad in there somewhere to explain it.
posted by bonehead at 12:39 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Well they were clones during the prequels, but that's something like 50 years before this one, so presumably the clone troopers are all sat round on comfortable sofas at Stormtrooper HQ now grumbling about how much better it was in the old days when you didn't need any fancy-schmancy red laser sights on your rifles, you just shot randomly into the ether and hoped for the best.
posted by Catseye at 12:39 PM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

And part of the tragedy of that loss is that with technology and Han Solo and R2D2 you had all the raw material you needed for comedy and cool hacks. They didn't need to throw out the Force as a weighty foundation.
posted by fatbird at 12:39 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

What about TIE Fighters and Storm Troopers?! The Empire fell. The Rebels kicked their TIE-Fighting Storm-Trooping asses! Gah!

First thing I'm doing when an Empire gets crushed is stealing myself a sweet-ass ship and some badass body armor. Then I'm gonna be a pirate and attack everything in sight so I can get more sweet-ass ships and more badass body armor.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 12:42 PM on November 28, 2014 [8 favorites]

What about TIE Fighters and Storm Troopers?! The Empire fell. The Rebels kicked their TIE-Fighting Storm-Trooping asses!

Nah, they blew up the Death Star and killed the Emperor, throwing the Galaxy into turmoil as all of the regional Governors and Moffs squabbled and fought for power. Plenty of Stormtroopers and Star Destroyers still out there.
posted by Fleebnork at 12:42 PM on November 28, 2014 [7 favorites]

Abrams' unannounced twist is this film is actually Star Trek: the Quickening.

....I'd be kind of ok with that actually. I think.
posted by bonehead at 12:42 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

I don't get the Abrams hate. It mainly seems to be coming from older Star Trek fans

My dislike (hate is a strong word) for Abrams goes back to Alias, where he would get to the end of a season, and suddenly, he would just hit a reset button, and none of the plot threads from the season would get resolved.

The man has never met a plot hole that hasn't tried to fly a starship through. After Star Trek Into Darkness, I'm beginning to suspect that he same some kind of cognitive disorder.

He is very good at set pieces, though.
posted by 1970s Antihero at 12:47 PM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

bonehead: I don't know the Expanded Universe backstory, but I'm wouldn't be surprised if there's a Butlerian Jihad in there somewhere to explain it.

They never say it explicitly, but it seems pretty clear that superhuman level AI just isn't possible in this universe. The first Death Star was the biggest, most over-the-top pimped out ride the Empire could build, and it did have a main computer, but still needed a gigantic crew. And that same computer was easily hacked by R2D2.


Catseye: ...you just shot randomly into the ether and hoped for the best.

If Stormtroopers have an ethos, that has got to be it.
posted by Kevin Street at 12:51 PM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

Sure it's an interesting teaser trailer but that's easy to do having such a rich, compelling foundation to draw from.
posted by George Lucas at 12:53 PM on November 28, 2014 [30 favorites]

I'm looking forward to the new lightsaber variant in each upcoming movie from now on. Next up will be a curved lightscimitar and then a big heavy cudgel with little nubby lightspikes.
posted by painquale at 12:59 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

It's really telling how much Jar Jar there was in the New Hope trailer.
posted by gottabefunky at 1:02 PM on November 28, 2014

I'm holding my breath for a laser Triple Sword. But that would have to be the last movie ever made, because nothing could be cooler than three blades and it can shoot blades and it is made of lazors.
posted by bonehead at 1:05 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

I was eight when Jedi came out. It was the first SW film I saw in a theater and leading up to it my dad and I geeked out heavily on rumors and speculation. I have a clear memory of eating lunch at the local Best Western when dad told me the working title was Revenge of the Jedi.

Years later I was first in line for the early show of The Phantom Menace. When it ended I was so dejected over what I'd seen that I called dad to commiserate. I still remember the sincere hurt in his voice when he said, "You saw it without me?

For a long time I was afraid I'd ruined something nice that i had with my dad that probably seems silly to anybody reading this. I mean he didn't stop loving me or anything. When I found out about the new movies being made, I called dad and made a date to see it together. He was really happy.

So yea, I'm cutting Abrams a lot of slack here.
posted by echocollate at 1:06 PM on November 28, 2014 [36 favorites]

At some point, there's going to be a blaster that shoots little lightsabers. It's game over, people. It's game over.
posted by fatbird at 1:06 PM on November 28, 2014

[I'm not really this crabby about it. I enjoyed both Abrams ST movies and I'm looking forward to this. Lucas buggered up the universal premise long before, and it can't get worse than it is now, and I'm optimistic it'll be lots better. For one thing, SW lacks the readily available "tech the teching tech" solutions upon which ST relied, so there's a bit more narrative logic to uphold, notwithstanding my comments above.]
posted by fatbird at 1:11 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

I don't know the Expanded Universe backstory, but I'm wouldn't be surprised if there's a Butlerian Jihad in there somewhere to explain it.

Its when you have a Gerard Butlerian Jihad in there that you know the franchise has hit rock bottom.
posted by biffa at 1:16 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

I'm optimistic due to a.) Kasdan's presence on the writing team, and b.) the absence of Lindelof, Orci, and Kurtzman.
posted by HeroZero at 1:16 PM on November 28, 2014 [20 favorites]

Catseye: ...you just shot randomly into the ether and hoped for the best.

If Stormtroopers have an ethos, that has got to be it.
posted by Kevin Street at 3:51 PM on November 28 [2 favorites +] [!]

The same goes for Nazis in the Indiana Jones-verse.
posted by Fizz at 1:20 PM on November 28, 2014

I remember people complaining that JJA had made Sar Trek movies that looed and felt more like Star Wars movies at the time they came out sooooo-


(Liked the first reboot for the energy, second one is still incoherent after two viewings, cautiously optimistic for this cause of the people involved.)

Also they totally just reused the Empire's old armor and equipment, what you're just going to LEAVE THAT there.
posted by The Whelk at 1:22 PM on November 28, 2014

I'm old and tired, so IMHO the only new Star Trek or Star Wars movie that should be made should do one thing and one thing only: answer the ages old question we have all wondered about at some point.
posted by Poldo at 1:23 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Well the clones were the army of the republic before they were the army of the empire...
posted by biffa at 1:24 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

NOT WATCHING ANY STAR WARS SEQUELS UNLESS THEY BRING BERKE BREATHED IN TO CO-WRITE

It must be noted that Berke Breathed wrote/illustrated the original book that "Mars Needs Moms" was based on, then was pretty much shut out of the movie production. Yet, his name is still attached to that #2 Biggest Box Office Bomb Of All Time (if you believe Buzzfeed, which I don't), next to #1 "47 Ronin" ("John Carter" was #6). So no chance of that. (I don't think he is currently allowed closer to Hollywood than his Santa Barbara home)

But it is worth noting that what George Lucas does badly is not the same as what J.J.Abrams does badly, so we could end up with either the best of both or the worst of both. Which would make a full revival of MST3K inevitable and necessary.

Footnote:
Did the Star Wars Trailer break the internet today? No, then let's take it further. (via b3ta, gottalove'em)
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:27 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Seeing Moses makes me wish the title crawl had been to the Attack the Block theme.
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:33 PM on November 28, 2014

We may not have a lightsaber porcupine suit yet but my brother told me about a guy with lightsabers on his knees which is pretty stupid too.
posted by Small Dollar at 1:39 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Which would make a full revival of MST3K inevitable and necessary.

Now witness the firepower of this FULLY ARMED AND OPERATIONAL Satellite of Love!
posted by entropicamericana at 1:39 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

The point of a crossguard is to protect your hands. A lightsaber crossguard will slice and burn anything it touches, including your hands. Also it just looks dumb and overwrought.

I did kind of wince when I saw it, but within the rules of this universe, lightsabers can cut through pretty much anything except another lightsaber (or something made of cortosis alloy, but that's pretty deep in canon), so it stands to reason that if you didn't want someone sliding up your blade, you'd need something that could stop that from happening, and that'd have to be another blade. It'd be dangerous, but really, no moreso than a lightsaber itself which is already stupidly dangerous. If we accept that there are people that can safely use a knife that can cut anything, it isn't too much of a leap to believe that someone could use this safely as well (insert force hand-wavy-ness here.)

A good practical joke would be to give someone a lightsaber that was actually two times too long, or set up the grip handle such that it operates backwards.

If you'll allow me to nerd out further for a moment... all lightsabers are supposed to have variable lengths. The knob on the side is for this. They never use it in the movies, but it comes up in the books. Also, since Jedi and Sith make their own lightsabers as a right of passage, it'd be hard to have someone fall for one being built backwards, though it might work on a non-Jedi/Sith who found one.

Wow, I never realized how much I knew about lightsabers until just now. And now I feel like a dork.
posted by quin at 1:41 PM on November 28, 2014 [12 favorites]

Honestly, in the absence of any plot or meaningful dialogue or familiar characters, I'm more impressed with the black stormtrooper than CGI doing CGI things.

And its telling that John Boyega is the first person you see in this much-awaited teaser. Thats a pretty interesting opening shot to go for. Its not clear whether he's disguised as a stormtropper, or an actual stormtrooper, but either way he's one of the main characters. Also, everyone should go see Attack The Block.
posted by memebake at 1:43 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

The new Star Wars films will be very pretty, I’m sure.

Did you see the original Star Wars? Did you listen to the completely lame dialog and follow the boring, simplistic plot?

If JJ Abrams is all gloss, he's the perfect director for these movies, because these movies are about gloss, with gloss sprinkles, occasional wiping to an explosion.
posted by eriko at 1:49 PM on November 28, 2014 [13 favorites]

Maybe they'll accidentally make a great, fun SF movie. I'm not going to let myself get too excited, although I will report to the multiplex next year and go see it.
posted by thelonius at 1:50 PM on November 28, 2014

I would think that if you're preoccupied with lightsaber defense, then carrying a shorter saber in your off-hand for parries would be the way to go. Consulting Wookieepedia right now, it looks the idea's been thoroughly anticipated.
posted by Iridic at 1:56 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

because these movies are about gloss, with gloss sprinkles, occasional wiping to an explosion.

That's both true and untrue. That's like saying both Chef Boyardee and the Bolognese in Italy are the same thing, because they both contain noodles, tomato sauce, and ground meat.
posted by FJT at 2:01 PM on November 28, 2014

carrying a shorter saber

Which you could also use for cutting automatically toasted bread.
posted by Grangousier at 2:02 PM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Did you see the original Star Wars? Did you listen to the completely lame dialog and follow the boring, simplistic plot?

Yeah people are a bit too misty eyed about the original films. Star Wars is a film about space magic featuring anthropomorphized aliens playing musical instruments. It was hardly fucking citizen kane. It was just a good little adventure romp with cool spaceships and robots. It came along at the right time and is now forever part of our cultural heritage. JJ Abrams is perfect for this, and whatever happens he can hardly do any worse than Lucas.
posted by memebake at 2:05 PM on November 28, 2014 [7 favorites]

Not to derail, but to respond to entropicamericana : I watched almost the entire MST3K Turkey Day Marathon yesterday and heard no further info or even hints about a possible revival/reboot. Sigh.

I'm just happy to hear that "ReBoot" is getting rebooted, and am going to wait and hope that Ridley Scott & SyFy don't ruin "3001", especially considering that "Futurama" pretty much nailed that time period.
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:05 PM on November 28, 2014

...I saw the first SW when I was 19 and thought it was painfully dull and a bit ruined by having been so exposed and parodied and referenced over the years. ( i kept mentally shouting CUT AWAY THE SCENE IS OVER WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT)

The second one was better, don;t remember if I saw the 3rd or just re-constructed it from jokes and osmosis.
posted by The Whelk at 2:07 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

I would rather they got someone that tried something interesting and maybe failed.

He will break your heart, as bad or even worse than George Lucas has.

My dislike (hate is a strong word) for Abrams goes back to Alias, where he would get to the end of a season, and suddenly, he would just hit a reset button, and none of the plot threads from the season would get resolved.

Y'all know that the next movie is going to be written and directed by Rian Johnson (of Brick and Looper fame), right? If the trade-off is that Disney wants the first entry in this new trilogy to be helmed by a guy whose worst crime is style-over-substance, then that's more than acceptable to me, and I say that as someone who still remembers the terrible migraine that Star Trek gave me.
posted by kagredon at 2:08 PM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

> Abrams: Fuck it. I'm releasing the first trailer with lens flare around the Millennium Falcon. The critics can eat shit

Critical retrospectives of the future will refer to this section of his career as his "Liefield Period."

Or, you know, maybe his entire career.
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:12 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Since we're on lightsabers, what determines the draw/activation speed of a light saber? In the movies sometimes it seems near instantaneous, especially when parrying an attack and at other times, it seems more slow. I know the film reason is because rule of dramatic effect, but is there some pressure sensitive button that determines the speed?

Also, since you can adjust the length, couldn't you just set the length longer and poke people that are trying to shoot you?
posted by FJT at 2:12 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

I watched the real first episode of Star Wars with my chain-smoking, mostly closed-mouthed New-England grandfather in June of 1977. We sat, transfixed, from the beginning until the last credit rolled off the screen, and then he turned to me in his seat and asked, "Well, should we try and scrunch down, or go out and pay for another go around?" I asked, "Do you want to see this again?" He said, "Yes!"
My grandmother was still working, and there wasn't enough time to see the movie again and pick her up at the Red T station, so we drove around for an hour or so - my grandfather gave me a tour of his young adulthood. Normally, my grandmother would slide into the back seat and then enquire in her practiced bossy tone where they should eat dinner. After seven children, she was finished cooking the evening meal.
That evening he said, "Del, let's go to Linda's then drive out to Braintree and watch a movie." Gran asked in her usual martinet tone, "Didn't you and Pud already see a movie?"
"Eeyup, and I want to see it again with you, you'll enjoy it."
So we hurried over and ate the excellent open-face hot beef sandwiches, along with the creamy, buttery delicious mashed potatoes that Linda's served, and drove back over to the movie theater.
Afterwards - normally my grandmother would sit in the back seat regardless because my grandfather was a frightening, lead-foot driver - she sat in the front and they chatted about other movies they'd seen and enjoyed together. When we got home, my grandfather and I sat on the porch and smoked. We didn't have much in common. I wasn't too interested in sports, I didn't participate in any sport except the rifle team until that got nixed. My grandfather loved them all - football and basketball before they became a major money-machine, and especially baseball. He told me about how he'd dragooned my mother, and my aunts, to keep score from the radio of all the baseball games while he was working. "I suppose your mother has told you about that," he said. And then he didn't have anything else to say. He dumped the butt of his Marlboro into the water and butt-clogged flower pot next to the cement stairs, hoisted his wiry frame and went indoors.

He and I went and watched Star Wars five more times before I returned home.
posted by Pudhoho at 2:14 PM on November 28, 2014 [99 favorites]

Also, since you can adjust the length, couldn't you just set the length longer and poke people that are trying to shoot you?

shit, now I want to see lightsaber jousting
posted by kagredon at 2:15 PM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

I see your schwartz saber is as big as mine!
posted by The Whelk at 2:16 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Everyone loses, including the horses and spectators.
posted by quin at 2:16 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Right, let me just say, yes, you're right the JJ Abrams Star Trek films are awful. Come on you know this is true. However, they were still light years above ANY of the earlier star treks films ESPECIALLY Whales in Space, or whatever that horrible film was called.
To slag on the new movie because he's the director, is to pretend the horror that was the prequels didn't exist. I totally get that. We'd all love to forget that they ever happened or pretend that Lucas sort of accidentally made some of the worst films in history.
However, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. I suspect that Mr. Abrams will make a perfectly serviceable film and pave the way for better, more interesting films in the future.
posted by evilDoug at 2:18 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

UH they're called tauntaun, not horses, GOSH
posted by kagredon at 2:18 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

"A Saber To Encircle The World" A Jedi Fantasy Novel.
posted by The Whelk at 2:23 PM on November 28, 2014

Whales in Space, or whatever that horrible film was called.

I'm confused. The Search for Spock is generally considered the best of the whole movie run, or are you talking about another set of whales in space?

V'Ger was kinda whale like, I guess.
posted by bonehead at 2:24 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

I have some design concerns about the lightclaymore...
posted by Navelgazer at 2:27 PM on November 28, 2014

The best Star Trek whale movie is The Wrath Of Khan, with Shatner as Moby Dick.
posted by dng at 2:27 PM on November 28, 2014 [17 favorites]

the whales weren't in space, it was aliens who talked to the whales on earth, and you know what, I'm sick of people slagging on that film because hurf durf space whales. That film had a sense of humor about itself, and while it may not be the "best" of the Star Trek films, I think it was the one that came the closest to capturing the spirit of the original, with the message about environmentalism and the stranger-in-a-strange-land antics (except, twist, this time the strange-land is modern earth), while not getting bogged down in the sometimes deathly-dull earnestness that is both one of the charms and one of the greatest flaws of ST.

If you want to diss a Star Trek movie, go with 5, because dear god was that terrible.
posted by kagredon at 2:28 PM on November 28, 2014 [21 favorites]

How much you liked Whales in Space is entirely dependent on your love of the idea of "Star Trek Crew Visits the 80s and Also Spock Acts Kind of Stoned." Turns out I loved that idea a whole lot. But I don't blame anyone who doesn't.
posted by emjaybee at 2:31 PM on November 28, 2014 [15 favorites]

Actually,
I'm slagging on that film because herf derf, it was unbearably bad. Space Whales is just a hilarious turn of phrase I can use because most folks know what I speak of when I say it. Also, Shatner as Moby Dick (or even just Moby) I'd pay money to see that.
posted by evilDoug at 2:33 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

basically if your criticism of a space fantasy (because, lbr, that's a better classification for both Trek and Wars than "sci fi") movie is "the premise is kind of silly", then maybe this is not the genre for you?
posted by kagredon at 2:34 PM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

If the black guy is Lando's kid and the young woman is Leia's kid, do you think this is Ball2D2's father?
posted by crossoverman at 2:37 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

I am excited... for now.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:39 PM on November 28, 2014

lightsaber pool cue
swiss army lightsaber
lightsaber car antenna
a little lightsaber toothpick that also toasts your sandwich
tiny lightsaber corn-holders that pop your corn on the cob as you eat it
multi-color lightsaber with little push-switches, like those pens
lightsaber sewing machine
lightsaber phone with a little touchscreen and everything
lightsaber app store
posted by oulipian at 2:40 PM on November 28, 2014 [8 favorites]

Presto Lightsaber Salad Shooter (tm), with never-sharpen(tm) julien blades!
posted by fatbird at 2:43 PM on November 28, 2014

Those hilt blades look like they'd be way more likely to maim you than your opponenet.

This is true of lightsabers in general. The balance is supposed to be really weird since the blade has basically no mass so non-force-users can't really use them without cutting off their own heads.

how about a gun that shoots lightsaber flechettes

This is what blasters are. The blaster bolts are short little lengths of lightsaber blade. Jedi don't use blasters because they're more effective with lightsabers since they can use it to block blaster bolts.

Lightsabers also only use energy when they actually cut something so the battery (or whatever the power source is) lasts basically forever, unlike blasters.

Oh yeah, and the first stormtroopers were all clones of Boba Fett's dad (heavily modified to work better as a unit/army unlike his son an exact clone of himself) who was a Mandolorian, a race of legendary warriors. The clones all had a built-in lifespan that's relatively short (like a decade maybe?). The Emperor REALLY doesn't like non-humans which is, I think, why they stopped making clones since they were made by the native species of Camino. So by the time Ep. IV rolls around, all of the clones are dead. However, they still try keep stormtroopers to a uniform shape to play on people's memory of the clone troopers. Makes 'em more intimidating even if they aren't as capable as the clone troopers were. I think it's also supposed to make the logistics easier if all of your troops are the same size. Which is why, on meeting Luke for the first time, Leia says, "You're pretty short for a stormtrooper."

If you even a little bit of a Star Wars nerd, DO NOT go searching for things on the Wookiepedia unless if you have a few days with nothing to do. I'm not even going to link to it, lest I or my fellow mefites get lost on a wiki-walk (a term coined by another mefite in a past Star Wars thread). You will learn things that won't be remotely useful or even very interesting until you read some tangentially related comments on metafilter.


I tried really hard not to let this trailer get me excited but then there were the X-wings over the water and the Millennium Falcon and I got goddamn goosebumps anyways.
posted by VTX at 2:45 PM on November 28, 2014 [9 favorites]

Lightsaber the flamethrower!

(Kids *love em'*!!)
posted by eriko at 2:46 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Is this gonna be in 3D? Some of those scenes had 3D written all over them.
God, I hope not.
posted by rocket88 at 2:50 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

...within the rules of this universe, lightsabers can cut through pretty much anything except another lightsaber (or something made of cortosis alloy, but that's pretty deep in canon), so it stands to reason that if you didn't want someone sliding up your blade, you'd need something that could stop that from happening, and that'd have to be another blade.

They can definitely cut another lightsaber (ask Darth Maul,) which is what makes the design silly. Trying to stop a blade with that crossguard will just slow it down slightly as it cuts the "hilt" of one crossguard off.

You could do it by having the cross guard beams angled back across the main blade so that each protects the "hilt" of the other. That would also angle them forward, so they'd be a bit less of a hazard for the user.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 2:54 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

How much you liked Whales in Space is entirely dependent on your love of the idea of "Star Trek Crew Visits the 80s and Also Spock Acts Kind of Stoned." Turns out I loved that idea a whole lot. But I don't blame anyone who doesn't.

And also how much you appreciate NUCLEAR WESSLES!

It was a funny, light hearted movie. Trek is often pretty good when it isn't taking itself too seriously, a lot of the best Star Wars moments are similar.

Wrath of Khan is a fantastic movie that holds up to many repeat viewings. It features a great villain who despite being ridiculously evil to begin with also has a pretty legitimate beef. I like Into Darkness but I've never felt the urge to watch it again at all.

Star Wars isn't emotionally complex...but it is emotional. Modern movies don't seem very good at that because they just won't take a few minutes to stare at the double sunset and let the music take center stage. That's the only major worry I have with the new movies. Just slow down. I don't feel more like an old man yelling at kids on my lawn than when I complain about stuff like this, but it's okay for action movies to have long periods of time without shooting stuff!
posted by Drinky Die at 2:54 PM on November 28, 2014 [17 favorites]

(Just don't spend it on galactic c-span segments about trade issues.)
posted by Drinky Die at 2:54 PM on November 28, 2014 [9 favorites]

I can vouch for evilDoug in that when he said Whales in Space I knew exactly what he meant and even though I vaguely enjoyed Star Trek IV, Whales in Space is a very apt description of the spirit of the film, if not the literal plot.
posted by memebake at 2:54 PM on November 28, 2014

Years ago, I tossed off a comment in a room full of music nerds about how awful Cream (a music group featuring large ego-ed musicians) was. I deeply wounded a friend who consequently took her bottle of wine and her high opinion of the band, and left the party. We didn't talk for a year.
I suspect several people here would like to stalk off with their wine and not speak to me. Let me be clear, if your favorite films are of the Original Star Trek (a film and television series featuring large ego-ed actors) variety, our opinions on this matter diverge. Apologies if I've hurt your feelings.
You may think me a callous blowhard of suspect opinions. You are in fine company. Many think that of me.
However, Space Whales, come on, say it. You know you want to.
posted by evilDoug at 2:56 PM on November 28, 2014

Y'all know that the next movie is going to be written and directed by Rian Johnson (of Brick and Looper fame), right?

No. Gareth Edwards is doing the next one (no word on writer). Rian is on tap for the next two after that.

I am. Um. Way up for both of their takes on this stuff though.
posted by sparkletone at 2:56 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

You really can't use the Abrams' Star Trek movies as evidence that his Star Wars will be bad. The feel of the movies is totally different. And Abrams has said that he was never really big on Star Trek but that making a Star Wars movie is a childhood dream of his. They've taken Lucas out of the part that he screws up and Disney really has their shit together with the MCU.

I'm not going to get excited about this film but I'm hopeful.

The next trailer will probably put the lie to the "not going to get excited" part.
posted by VTX at 2:57 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'll be honest, I just realized I want the wine for myself, I don't care if we like different movies.
posted by Drinky Die at 2:59 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Everyone knows Star Wars is the Sci-Fi series you get stoned too, not wine drunk.
posted by The Whelk at 3:11 PM on November 28, 2014

BAD ROBOT!
posted by clavdivs at 3:11 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

How much you liked Whales in Space

I'm more fond of bowls of petunias in space (oh no, not again...)
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 3:11 PM on November 28, 2014 [10 favorites]

why does kevin smith only own hockey muumuus.

When he turned to the Dark Side, he was told to craft the most terrible weapon he could imagine, the very icon of his spite towards the universe....
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:11 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Everyone knows Star Wars is the Sci-Fi series you get stoned too, not wine drunk.

Hrm.
posted by Drinky Die at 3:15 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Gareth Edwards is doing the next one (no word on writer)

Jeez, really? Godzilla was terrible. People should be moaning about this, not Abrams.
posted by Auden at 3:18 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

I would think that if you're preoccupied with lightsaber defense, then carrying a shorter saber in your off-hand for parries would be the way to go.

Partying daggers had crossguards, too, though, so you aren't really gaining anything, there. I suppose you could crossblock with two sabers, as Musashi is said to have done. On the other hand, sabers don't necessarily immediately cut straight through everything like butter. Dearth Vader gets hit in the shoulder in Jedi, and there's that big door at he beginning of Ep I. Maybe this guy's saber guard is made of really dense metal and the little blades on the ends are decorative. Oh, who am I kidding. We all know it's there because some doofus thought it would look cool.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 3:18 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Godzilla had clever touches that felt like a LOT of studio mandates crushing them down. "Monsters" was fantastic. ( Basically I came out if Godzilla wanting to know what the original script was cause it often felt like two different movies got stitched together. And it never lived up to the opening titles.)
posted by The Whelk at 3:21 PM on November 28, 2014

Jeez, really? Godzilla was terrible.

zIt had some weak points (and some very pretty scenes), but, compared to the first American Godzilla, it was like Shakespeare.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:22 PM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

I liked the X-Wings, but there really wasn't anything here that says the current film makers get the feel of what made the original trilogy good.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 3:26 PM on November 28, 2014

The only thing about Star Trek IV that makes me roll my eyes a little is the "there be whales here" line, but damned if Doohan didn't deliver it for all he was worth.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 3:28 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'll forgive all kinds of things about Star Trek IV because of how much I like the Bird of Prey scaring the shit out of the whalers

And the *Donk* when the harpoon hits the cloaked ship
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 3:32 PM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Also the entire film's so 80s it's like a great physical lump of congealed time
posted by dng at 3:34 PM on November 28, 2014 [10 favorites]

The problem with the crossguard is

That a Sith shouldn't bear a symbol of another religion. I find his lack of faith disturbing.
posted by ersatz at 3:35 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

i kept mentally shouting CUT AWAY THE SCENE IS OVER WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT

Oh crap, I thought we could be friends but you're everything that's wrong with movies today. MY LAWN, GET OFF IT.
posted by straight at 3:43 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

jason_steakums: "The inhabitants of this galaxy could do miraculous things with the technology we've seen, and they just do what seems cool instead. And not only that, but they are SO DEVOTED to this idea of kneecapping their own technological advances to look cool that you can wage war for years with a bitter enemy and they'll respect your weird arbitrary choices to the point that they'll die in droves trying to tie goddamn strings around the legs of your weird pointless walking death machines instead of like Gordian Knotting the problem in five seconds by not playing by your weird rules and using some bit of off-the-shelf prosumer REALITY BENDING TECHNOLOGY to blast you out of the sky the moment you exit hyperspace."

I always thought of the SW universe as a universe of tinkerers. With the exception of the Empire, no one is actually mass producing any finished products. Probably there's a factory planet somewhere churning out generic magical force field projectors (or crystals, there's a crystal in each light saber, isn't there?), but putting it all to use is up to you. So you get all these worn-down looking spaceships that can do amazing things, because people put a new reality warp engine in whatever shell they could find and cobbled on a few bits of kitchen utensils or whatever.

That's probably why the Empire was so successful, everything from their stormtroopers to their TIE fighters were mass produced and identical, and essentially interchangeable, but then they (of course) fall to the efforts of a band of tinkerer-rebels led by a very unique kid.

What I'm saying is, the SW universe is basically based on the computer hobbyist, Radio Shack culture of the 70s.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 3:50 PM on November 28, 2014 [16 favorites]

I just noticed I wrote "partying daggers" above instead of parrying, and I regret nothing.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 3:57 PM on November 28, 2014 [21 favorites]

the first American Godzilla

I'm sorry I don't have anything much more than unrelated stupid jokes to add to this thread, but that's a really good title for an early '70s heavy rock album. Grand Funk Railroad if not the actual Blue Oyster Cult.

Also, I'm hoping the Sith Lord with the cruciform light sabre keeps burning himself on the wrist and dropping it:

"OWWW! That really smarts!" he says. For the moment I'm thinking of him as Darth Steve.

"Why don't you just turn the little ones off?" Asks the New Emperor.

"'Cause they look cool, dude!" says Steve. "Why would I get into this if I don't get a cool light sabre?"

"Oh, whatever," says Emperor II, "just find the rebels and chop them up."

"Whatever you say, boss," says Steve, leaving the room. From outside you hear the humming of the light sabre, Darth Steve shrieking "Ow! Shit! Ow!!!" and the sabre clattering to the floor.

The New Emperor sighs deeply and shakes his head.

***

See how much fun we've had with 88 seconds of it. How cool is 90 minutes going to be?
posted by Grangousier at 3:59 PM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

I'm just glad to see that the Falcon didn't replace its obsolete dish antenna, and instead upgrated to what looks to be an electronically scanned phased array.
posted by Zonker at 4:02 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

OK, so the Sith with the cross light sabre cuts off [appropriate gender pronoun here]
's hands with that thing. Then that Sith can get light sabres for hands! How cool would that be? And, as a Sith, they can tie their shoes with their mind anyway. Otherwise... light sabres for feet!
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:03 PM on November 28, 2014

I suspect several people here would like to stalk off with their wine and not speak to me. Let me be clear, if your favorite films are of the Original Star Trek (a film and television series featuring large ego-ed actors) variety, our opinions on this matter diverge. Apologies if I've hurt your feelings.

dude, chill out. I disagree with your Star Trek opinions, you disagree with mine, this is not some truth to power moment for either of us.
posted by kagredon at 4:06 PM on November 28, 2014 [10 favorites]

Sharks with frickin'...
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 4:06 PM on November 28, 2014

No. Gareth Edwards is doing the next one (no word on writer). Rian is on tap for the next two after that.

?
posted by kagredon at 4:07 PM on November 28, 2014

the crossguard is just light, it isn't actually sword-y, and it exists to distract and confuse your opponent. you slice off their head while they try to figure out your awful design choices
posted by NoraReed at 4:09 PM on November 28, 2014 [7 favorites]

"I consider myself a harsh critic, but after the trailer I was applauding."
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 4:10 PM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

The best bit of Space Whales.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 4:12 PM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Did you see the original Star Wars? Did you listen to the completely lame dialog and follow the boring, simplistic plot?

I saw the original Star Wars when it first came out. I was nine at the time, probably the perfect age for it.

Granted, the original film's dialogue is goofy, but strangely, I can recite the entire movie, verbatim, from beginning to end, and I am, at best, a casual fan of Star Wars. Funny how that 'lame' dialogue has seeped so strongly into the cultural consciousness. Ditto the 'simplistic' plot.

Whatever else Star Wars is, it was an homage to the adventure serials that George Lucas grew up watching. There's a palpable affection there, a warmth. The nostalgia was baked in to begin with.

There's nothing warm about a JJ Abrams film, that I've ever seen.
posted by KHAAAN! at 4:15 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

but you're everything that's wrong with movies today. MY LAWN, GET OFF IT.

My favorite directors tend to be from the 40s and 50s, this isn't snap snap snap jump cutting its basic " Film editing is a series of beats and none of these beats are landing! Your rhythms are all wrong! This is stepping on the performances!"
posted by The Whelk at 4:29 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Rian Johnson is directing Episodes VIII and IX.

Gareth Edwards is directing the first spin-off movie, which will be released after The Force Awakens and before Episode VIII.
posted by crossoverman at 4:41 PM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

If a Jedi can not cut his own head off with a regular lightsaber because The Force, that same logic should extend to the little crossbar as well.

As for aesthetics, I think it looks cool as shit. I kinda dig the crusader image.
posted by echocollate at 4:54 PM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

So this is something I just noticed: on the main title when it's shown at the end of the trailer, it looks to me like "The Force Awakens" is set in the Star Trek font... What's up with that?
posted by wabbittwax at 4:59 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

As for aesthetics, I think it looks cool as shit. I kinda dig the crusader image.

Ditto. It's fantasy epic in SPAAAAAACE. Galatic Opera. I'll take a thousand handwoven force mysticisms to tech the tech midchorlirans anyway.
posted by The Whelk at 5:01 PM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Enough with the xtreme lightsabers. Why not some kind of weapon that fires "bolts" of lightsaber, like a crossbow, or a gun? Or a planet-sized lightsaber that kind of looks like a moon from a distance, but then you get closer, and it's no moon?
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:04 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

I want them to use a darksaber thats a bit like a handheld version of the photo artifacts in The Omen
posted by dng at 5:11 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

One of the comics had a forked lightsaber which had a second blade protruding forward at a 45-degree angle. That would make more sense and it would look better.
posted by homunculus at 5:11 PM on November 28, 2014

everyone hating on space whales like they didn't like final fantasy IV or something

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Abrams did a way better job of trying to turn Star Trek into Star Wars than Lucas did trying to go the other way around. At least this even looks like Star Wars instead of two actors chroma-keyed in front of a cutscene from disc three of a PlayStation game as they walk down a hallway or sit down for the umpteenth time.
posted by DoctorFedora at 5:12 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Flying really low to the ground is hella dangerous and stupid, right?

The wings are open so its probably safe to assume they are in the process of attacking something?
posted by biffa at 5:14 PM on November 28, 2014

In order to form a more cogent jar-jar, phil silvers various CGI musicals will be re-mastered.
posted by clavdivs at 5:28 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Damn, now I am fantasizing about lightsideswords and lightbucklers. Bring on the Space Renaissance.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 5:40 PM on November 28, 2014

Guys! Guys! Hey guys!

Sith Army Knife!
posted by eriko at 5:56 PM on November 28, 2014 [12 favorites]

The wings are open

Ahem. The S foils are in attack position.
posted by eriko at 6:00 PM on November 28, 2014 [30 favorites]

this isn't snap snap snap jump cutting...Your rhythms are all wrong! This is stepping on the performances!

Ah, what a relief. You're not a monster, we just disagree about Star Wars.
posted by straight at 6:00 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Kris Straub's shot-by-shot description of the trailer. Home run.

I got embarrassingly far down the listing, thinking, "Wow, I sure missed a bunch of stuff. Need to go back and watch it again."
posted by jeoc at 6:05 PM on November 28, 2014

The wings are open

Ahem. The S foils are in attack position.

Is that not X foils?
posted by wabbittwax at 6:08 PM on November 28, 2014

There's nothing warm about a JJ Abrams film, that I've ever seen.

That could work to his advantage. A lot of fans loved Empire, the bleakest film in the original trilogy.
posted by cazoo at 6:14 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

I want them to use a darksaber

We don't talk about Darksaber!
posted by jason_steakums at 6:16 PM on November 28, 2014

If he does what he did with Star Trek he will...significantly improve on the last few preceding movies. That did not break my heart, the continuing lack of any new Star Trek TV series does though.

God dammit, I hit Page Down, and this comment was the first thing my eyes landed on... specifically, on "new Star Trek TV series". Only after reaching a state of primal bliss did I then see "lack of any".

GOD DAMMIT
posted by Flunkie at 6:17 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Is that not X foils?

Sigh...kids these days.
posted by eriko at 6:18 PM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

huh. This is more information than I was aware I required.
posted by wabbittwax at 6:25 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Flunkie: "God dammit, I hit Page Down, and this comment was the first thing my eyes landed on... specifically, on "new Star Trek TV series". Only after reaching a state of primal bliss did I then see "lack of any".

GOD DAMMIT"

"Hey everyone, so we've got a post-TNG Trek at the start of an extensive post-war rebuilding period, with almost literally the whole Federation having a crisis about how close they came to being conquered, and not by a huge cuboid Deus Ex Fuckina like the Borg but by a regular pan-species empire with normal-sized ships and stuff. And then Voyager turns up with a lot of advanced tech and an awful lot of horror stories about how many Borg are actually out there and they stop looking like an occasional sudden nightmare and start looking like a swarm threat on a level the Dominion couldn't even hope for. And people are still pretty paranoid about shapeshifters, and the Breen are even more of a pariah species, and the Cardassians are staggering around in the wreckage of the wreckage of their civilisation...

"So let's do a prequel TV series and then reboot the entire franchise, yeah?"
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 6:31 PM on November 28, 2014 [19 favorites]

Just spent fifteen minutes reading YouTube comments attached to the trailer and I just wanted you guys to know that even though we argue sometimes and don't always agree, I seriously love you and will never leave you because the rest of the Internet is fucking scary.
posted by echocollate at 6:40 PM on November 28, 2014 [45 favorites]

First thing I'm doing when an Empire gets crushed is stealing myself a sweet-ass ship and some badass body armor. Then I'm gonna be a pirate and attack everything in sight so I can get more sweet-ass ships and more badass body armor.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 2:42 PM on November 28

Feh, second thing you're going to do is get your ass handed to you by the forces of the re-formed Republic, and the re-established Jedi if that doesn't work.

Nah, they blew up the Death Star and killed the Emperor, throwing the Galaxy into turmoil as all of the regional Governors and Moffs squabbled and fought for power. Plenty of Stormtroopers and Star Destroyers still out there.
posted by Fleebnork at 2:42 PM on November 28

A brief period of confusion as the Old Republic is reformed by its champions in the Rebel Alliance. The Governors, Moffs, and their tools couldn't stand up to the Rebellion when they had a Dark Side Emperor and his lieutenant pulling the strings of the Force to help them on the macro and micro level. They won't last long against the more well supplied and equipped Republic now that it is able to openly assert its legitimate control, or against the now wiser Jedi, who have seen and learned anew the treachery of the Dark Side. Hell, a fair chunk of the Govs and Moffs would probably have the scales fall from their eyes after the Emperor died in regards to the evil they were involved in, and willingly cooperate with the reformation of the Republic.

The worst part of this new series is, after the end of Return of the Jedi we're living a long-long-time-ago in a happily-ever-after-galaxy far-far-away. At least with the prequels there was a chance for a decent story about things we knew happened in the past of the original Star Wars movies. As far as I'm concerned, however, the prequels were not that story, they are null and void.

The Old Republic was Obviously Good, and the only reason that it fell was the sinister treachery of the forces of the Dark Side. With the defeat of the Empire, the Old Republic will obviously rise again, and all the symbols and remnants of the Empire, like Tie Fighters and Storm Troopers will be swept away, kept only in some museum to remind people.
posted by Reverend John at 6:54 PM on November 28, 2014

I actually gasped when I saw the falcon. I wanna watch that ship rattle and zoom.
posted by mochapickle at 7:03 PM on November 28, 2014

And I suupose that when we get to Return of the Jedi the old republic is still firmly in living memory.
posted by VTX at 7:06 PM on November 28, 2014

he Governors, Moffs, and their tools couldn't stand up to the Rebellion when they had a Dark Side Emperor and his lieutenant pulling the strings of the Force to help them on the macro and micro level. They won't last long against the more well supplied and equipped Republic now that it is able to openly assert its legitimate control, or against the now wiser Jedi, who have seen and learned anew the treachery of the Dark Side.

The more you tighten your grip, the more sequels will slip through your fingers.
posted by thelonius at 7:10 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

What I'm saying is, the SW universe is basically based on the computer hobbyist, Radio Shack culture of the 70s

I suddenly have a vision for reversing the market decline of the only place in town that I can get thermal paste at 7:45 at night.
posted by SpacemanStix at 7:13 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

I didn't love this trailer as much as I did The Phantom Menace.
It looks like Star Wars, but doesn't feel like Star Wars ... yet.

And then I realised: The 20th Century Fox flourish is missing.
That's why it feels wrong.
posted by Mezentian at 7:20 PM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

Soccer Ball Droid is gonna kick some serious ass when he turns on all his light sabers.
posted by Flunkie at 7:24 PM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

I’ve seen Super 8, I’ve seen MI III. They’re slick and stylish, but they have no heart, no human touch that I can recognize.

Huh. Super 8 is not a perfect movie (third act problems that fail to deliver on the promises made in a spectacular first act, primarily (and lets be real - this is as common an ailment as eczema)) but I thought part of what made it successful was its heart, and its humanity. I mean, it was still a sci-fi yarn, but what sci-fi yarn, oh, EVER, has had more humanity? Close Encounters? ET? Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)? Alien, maybe? I'm not kidding. For me, if Force Awakens has anything like the tenderness and humanity that was present in the interactions of the kids in Super 8 it'll be the best Star Wars movie in the the series.

In fact, Super 8 plus MI III, wrapped up in the trappings of the original trilogy, kind of sounds like the best case scenario, to me.
posted by dirtdirt at 7:48 PM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

Having watched it a few more times... I am still oddly unmoved.
It's only a teaser, and there is plenty of time for the movie to see itself to me, but I wonder if I am a bit Star Wars'd out.
And yet, I am watching and enjoying Rebels well enough (although it is trying super-hard to be STAR WARS more than the wonderful Clone Wars ever did).

The kicker will be seeing Luke, Han, Leia, Chewie, C3PO and R2D2 again, I'm sure.

Although, at the moment, I'm more interested in the spin-off "heist" movie, that, if I am very, very lucky will tell the stories of 4LOM, Zuckuss, IG88, Bossk and Denger.

You can add me to the list of people who enjoyed Super 8 and Cloverfield, and Abrams movies more generally.
Except his Star Trek films.
Fuck those.
posted by Mezentian at 7:54 PM on November 28, 2014

That could work to his advantage. A lot of fans loved Empire, the bleakest film in the original trilogy.

Indeed. Empire was the only legitimately good film of the entire 6, and while Abrams is no Kubrick, his Star Treks were a good romp, and I found this teaser an appetizing amuse bouche. Are these two thoughts connected?

Why couldn't they get David Lynch? Lynch's Star Wars *would* be high art.
posted by dis_integration at 7:57 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

X-Wings and the Millennium Falcon are still in service 30 years later.

Why not? If these types of ships had a very short life then that would be questionable. There are quite a number of planes still in service in our low tech real world that believing higher tech spacecraft could last and be produced (perhaps with updated tech here and there, similar to the process that the 747 and the like have gone through in our reality) for more than a decade or so is not a stretch.

Like an embedded Quicktime video.

Indeed. It's astounding to even hear the term outside of production. A browser asking me to get this plugin in 2014 is a big surprise. I used to install QuickTime alternative for these types of things but that was years ago.

I just keep telling myself that Disney can't make more of a mess than Lucas already did.

I once thought Lucas was pretty much the pinnacle of turning something potentially quite interesting into absolute shit but then Russel T. Davies and Steven Moffat came along and equaled Lucas's ability, both with Dr. Who, and Moffat also with Sherlock, with honourable mentions to the last couple of seasons of the BSG reboot and that horrible Star Trek movie with the young clone Picard and the Romulans/Remans as well as the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy feature film.

So Abrams could possibly equal Lucas though it was indeed so bad, and though I've seen the above mentioned do it, it is pretty hard to imagine.

As for the cross guard. Wouldn't a simple explanation be those particular laser thingys don't cut but just stop whatever touches them? I mean, surely there are probably lightsaber suppositories!

Kevin Smith has been on the set, and he's exited

So it's going to be absolutely terrible after all.
posted by juiceCake at 8:00 PM on November 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

A close proximity alarm rings on the Falcons bridge. Solo rushes only to fall and break his finger.

Solo: "chewie do not the Tam girl navigate this ship"

Chewie: "bragrLll" ( I'm going to let here drive)

Capt. Reynolds: " that sure is a fancy hyper-drive display...we could commence a far trade..."

Princess Leia: "weren't you cancelled?"

Jayne: "Why does your light saber have white powder.."

Luke: "My father used to take about the dark side of the force..."

Preacher: " hey I'm dead"
Jayne: "... And you still don't have as statue"

R2D2: "Tweety, tweety"
C3PO: "We are getting no where"

(Enter Boba Fett)
posted by clavdivs at 8:01 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Also, another instance where people are getting hung up on the wrong thing: the light saber.

So it's a weird light saber, yeah... but he's angrily whipping it out to take on ... a sapling? in winter? This is going to be the most inappropriate use of supernatural power to murder a plant since Matthew 21:18-20.
posted by Reverend John at 8:12 PM on November 28, 2014 [12 favorites]

Did you see the original Star Wars? Did you listen to the completely lame dialog and follow the boring, simplistic plot?

I just watched the "despecialized" version a few months ago and it was just as wonderful and glorious as it was all the times I watched it in 1977. The dialog did what it needed to do and the plot was just as complicated as it had to be and nothing more. And the editing was amazing, I love that it paused enough to give you a moment to take in the scenery before jumping the next thing.
posted by octothorpe at 8:13 PM on November 28, 2014 [6 favorites]

So it's a weird light saber, yeah... but he's angrily whipping it out to take on ... a sapling? in winter?

I assume he's going to confront Luke, who is in the trees.
Well, something in the trees.
posted by Mezentian at 8:20 PM on November 28, 2014

Why couldn't they get David Lynch? Lynch's Star Wars *would* be high art.


I think Jodorowsky is currently available.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:31 PM on November 28, 2014 [7 favorites]

Kris Straub's shot-by-shot description of the trailer. Home run.

This includes a bunch of things that aren't in the trailer, like Han Solo. What's that about?
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 8:32 PM on November 28, 2014

After the first trilogy I'm fairly ready for JJ Abrams. My expectation is that it's going to be awesome, but it's also going to suck. And I'm still into it. It's fairly established that the whole deal is out of any of our hands, it's not going to meet anybody's sense of what should happen, and that's just the way it is. Still fun!
posted by rhizome at 8:33 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Light-saber duels. Ha ha.

All of my friends (and even my enemies, which were legion), both men and women, totally and seriously demanded the toy companies fulfill our desire to duel with light-sabers. We would have paid $50 each for somewhat realistic toy light-sabers - lord knows what $50 in 1977 dollars is worth now - and most of us didn't have that much money to blow off frivolously anyhow. We made $2.25 an hour, 12 hours a week (if the manager liked us) slaving away at Burger King or Dairy Dee-lite...

Finally, some shark-eyed swindler of a toy designer created a toy light-saber. It was 24.99 and it was a total shuck of course - just a 36ish inch Tupperware tube that looked like an enormous home-made Popsicle mold with a cool-looking handle that disguised a weak-ass flashlight. Total, total, complete rip-off except for stupid four year olds. No doubt they sold plenty of them. But not to us. Also needless to say we got booted out of the mall toy store forever.

So instead we visited the local lumber yard and bought big dowels, about the same diameter as the big wooden rod in your clothes closet + the most garish day-glo spray colors from the 29 cent clearance bin. We carried those painted wooden sticks around school, concealed behind our backs, and when we saw another persons wielding a "light-saber" , we'd make this sci-fi Boowoooooo-ooh-ooh-ooh noise as we 'drew' them and engaged each other in toy-wooden-swordfight combat. It was more than a ton of fun because we really were the rebels. Anyone who wasn't part of the scheme was scared shitless and would flee when a mock fight would break out - mostly the sods who were 'popular'.

They didn't become a fad like those coin-sized and shaped parti-colored Star-Trek toy Phaser pistol projectile disks (grab a handful then flick one like a booger from between your thumb and forefinger - many pep assemblies totally disrupted to just about everyone's delight) mostly because they were too complicated for most impulsive teenagers to manufacture. Plus they were kinda dangerous. Most of us didn't care because we knew we were indestructible except for drunken prom-night car wrecks. We almost got expelled from school because stout wooden rods tend to break things when you whip them around at teen-aged George Lucas velocities. Nobody was seriously injured, but a lot of school property was destroyed - including the mostly-empty school athletic trophy case. Which, of course, just rubbed salt in the wounds in the 'powers that be'.

Star Wars was a long time ago and I can prove it because all of us then-teenagers who first enjoyed the original Episode IV are mostly eligible for senior discounts - like at Denny's where we used to hang out and drink about six quarts of coffee from 10pm until they booted us at 0600. Yah. Today we can go there and get a Grand Slam for less than two bucks! They still boot us! Fuckers. But you know, Heather Burton and Chad Miller are still as hot as ever...

So all of this talk about the 'new and latest' Star Wars to me and a lot of the other people who are probably your parents is mostly anti-climactic. We waited how many years for the next two episodes? Sheesh, we'd graduated college by the time the last one was released! We were adults.

So, OK, the way we accepted Indian Jones and the Assisted Living Steam Table Cafeteria, we'll take this latest iteration of 'Star Wars' and like it. But there is nothing like the original. You kids these days with your goddamned everything!

maybe if you don't taunt us too much we won't fill your kids with 5 or 6 pounds of sugary snacks then gleefully return them to your doorstep.
posted by Pudhoho at 8:36 PM on November 28, 2014 [16 favorites]

I also think David Yates would make a good choice for a director.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 8:36 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

How about Mike Leigh? Maybe better for one of the familial I-III clutch.
posted by rhizome at 8:38 PM on November 28, 2014

Super 8 should be taught in film school as to why not to keep flushing the toilet when you've clogged up your second act. (I imagine film school's got to be a little like a very expensive plumbing school.)
posted by Catblack at 8:43 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

NO BLUE BANDS OF LIGHT
MR. FISH-EYE LENS
posted by clavdivs at 8:44 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Mezentian: "I assume he's going to confront Luke, who is in the trees. Well, something in the trees."

That shot reminded me a bit of the cover of Splinter of the Mind's Eye.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:00 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

The dialog did what it needed to do and the plot was just as complicated as it had to be and nothing more.

There's something missing here, and it's the specification of just what the end was that these means were supporting. The plot was just as complicated as it had to be to do...what exactly? Get a rubber stamp from the studio execs? How is that a virtue?
posted by invitapriore at 9:09 PM on November 28, 2014

The dialog did what it needed to do and the plot was just as complicated as it had to be and nothing more.

Luke, I am your father.
LOL, you don't look anything like the milkman...
posted by Pudhoho at 9:17 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

How about Mike Leigh?

For a moment, my brain identified the wrong Mike (Nichols instead of Leigh) and I thought I was about to have to deliver some bad news...
posted by ocherdraco at 9:27 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

I assume he's going to confront Luke, who is in the trees.
Well, something in the trees.

Perhaps its the rare and dangerous Jedi tree. (Hey, its a big galaxy.)
posted by Reverend John at 9:30 PM on November 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Perhaps its the rare and dangerous Jedi tree.

I AM GROOT.

Disney/Marvel/Star Wars synergy.
posted by crossoverman at 9:39 PM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

invitapriore: "The plot was just as complicated as it had to be to do...what exactly? "

To tell the Campbellian monomyth. Supposedly, Joseph Campbell's theory about the universal structure of hero stories was an inspiration for the plot of Star Wars. If Campbell was correct, a good story doesn't have to be particularly original. It just has to embody the timeless hero myth well.
posted by Wemmick at 9:48 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

So by the time Ep. IV rolls around, all of the clones are dead. However, they still try keep stormtroopers to a uniform shape to play on people's memory of the clone troopers. Makes 'em more intimidating even if they aren't as capable as the clone troopers were. I think it's also supposed to make the logistics easier if all of your troops are the same size. Which is why, on meeting Luke for the first time, Leia says, "You're pretty short for a stormtrooper."

She asks,"Aren't you a little short, (etc.)?" Best part: Decades later we meet the nominal model for all the troopers and Temuera Morrison is shorter than Mark Hamill (and well shorter than Jeremy Bulloch).
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:56 PM on November 28, 2014

I AM GROOT.

I just finished watching Guardians of the Galaxy, and that is really a prime example of how character development and great CGI come together. The CGI was an improvement over prior implementatoins, but if the characters weren't interesting, it would have been a total failure as a movie. What ended up being great about this movie is that there wasn't an uninteresting character in the entire movie. Like, not a flat note anywhere. And the CGI just took the characters (or created some of them) and put them into a really fun world to do their thing. If the new Star Wars can make me feel about the characters like I felt watching this movie, I'll be really excited about it. (Think about Jar Jar for a second, then think about Groot. It's not the quality of the CGI, but the quality of the character.)

I really hope there's a sequel to GOTG, and I haven't felt that strongly about a Star Wars movie in a long time.
posted by SpacemanStix at 9:59 PM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

On the subject of lightsaber duels. I knew a guy who was lucky enough to own the original Kenner Star Wars Lightsaber toy as a child. On the day he got it, him and his brother did what any other kid would do, have lightsaber duels. Unlike other children, his dueling lasted from morning to night. He held the lightsaber so tightly in his hand and for so long that he could not release his grip. His hand was clenched closed like a vice. Ultimately his parents had to take him to the hospital where they managed to free his hold of the toy by giving him a muscle relaxant.
posted by cazoo at 10:08 PM on November 28, 2014 [11 favorites]

All I really want is for some UK company to do a new UFO series, but still have it take place in a Mod-Future 1980 as seen from 1970.
posted by George_Spiggott at 10:33 PM on November 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

Those trees are really ruining the view of the forest.
posted by ckape at 10:54 PM on November 28, 2014

I AM GROOT.

Disney/Marvel/Star Wars synergy.
posted by crossoverman at 9:39 PM on November 28

Eponysterical
posted by bleep at 11:26 PM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Why couldn't they get David Lynch? Lynch's Star Wars *would* be high art.

Lucas actually asked Lynch to direct ROTJ when it was still in the early planning stages. Lynch was fresh off of The Elephant Man, and was being sought for a variety of more mainstream projects (like Dune) than the sorts of things that he eventually became known for. From what I've been given to understand, Lynch wasn't entirely keen on the idea of directing something that he didn't have majority creative control over, so he didn't go for it.
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:37 PM on November 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'm dropping this story here because I love this story.

Friend goes to see first JJ Trek movie.
Movie goes along. Ooh ahh.
Gets to scene where we see Spock and Uhura make out. OOO TWIST ON ORIGINAL

Guy a few rows down in the theater STANDS UP.
Guy yells at top of his lungs "FUCK YOU"
Guy goes to aisle and walks out of theater, never to return.

I love this story for so many reasons but my number one reason is it reminds me to not take movies too seriously and especially not to ironically take movies seriously because there are people out there who, apparently, have nothing else stable or joyful in their lives except the little fantasy universes they have burrowed into like insects and they want nothing to change or be weird or anything, until they die.

STILL LOVE THIS STORY JUST THINKING OF IT AGAIN. FUCK YOUUUUUU KISSING SPOCK FUCK YOU TO HELLLLLL
posted by jscott at 11:54 PM on November 28, 2014 [27 favorites]

I assume he's going to confront Luke, who is in the trees.
Well, something in the trees.

Some poor sap no doubt.
posted by juiceCake at 12:04 AM on November 29, 2014 [20 favorites]

So this is something I just noticed: on the main title when it's shown at the end of the trailer, it looks to me like "The Force Awakens" is set in the Star Trek font... What's up with that?

I noticed the same thing—same typeface they used on the posters for Star Trek: The Motion Picture. It's...odd.
posted by Lazlo Nibble at 12:07 AM on November 29, 2014

The typeface used in the new Star Wars posters is called ITC Serif Gothic. ( ITC Serif Gothic Black, to be precise.) It is not the same font used for ST:TMP, despite some superficial similarities.

On top of being a Trekkie Nerd, I am also a Font Nerd. I contain nerd multitudes.
posted by KHAAAN! at 12:50 AM on November 29, 2014 [14 favorites]

I really hope there's a sequel to GOTG

No worries, it's due May 5, 2017. Same writer and director.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:14 AM on November 29, 2014

Soccer ball droid is Disney-tastic. A cuter R2 for the mouse's menagerie.
posted by devon at 1:31 AM on November 29, 2014

This is so fake. It's missing the shot that would prove that Abrams did it.
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:33 AM on November 29, 2014

The Old Republic was Obviously Good, and the only reason that it fell was the sinister treachery of the forces of the Dark Side.

No. The Old Republic was bloated and corrupt, as rotten as the state of Denmark.

This was clearly stated in the prequels and the excellent Clone Wars (seriously, but the end of that the Jedi seemed to realise that they were on the wrong side of the war, that is how excellent and adult Clone Wars was), but if you chose to ignore the prequels, I am pretty sure it's mentioned in the original trilogy (if not the films or radio script then the novelisations by ADF and James Kahn).

The fall of the Republic is pretty central to the Star Wars back story.
posted by Mezentian at 1:38 AM on November 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

I will add that the X-Wings over the water was fantastic too. Someone mentioned that it conveyed a sense of weight, which I think is right.

Huh, the x-wing shot didn't look good to me really.

To my eyes the big problem with CG starships since forever has been there's rarely enough contrast on them. They look kind of flat; they don't cast convincing-looking shadows on themselves. Compare 1 2. To me it's clear the new one doesn't have the look. Okay, it's not in the harsh light of outer space. (NB: JJ, that's where spaceships should be seen and do stuff: not underwater, not smashing into cities, not two feet from the planet surface.) Maybe the spaceships-in-space shots will be okay but I don't see it in this teaser.

I liked the look of some of it. Awkward soccer ball robot is obviously the hero. The weird landspeeder was okay, though I was hoping to see the Star Wars "instantly going high-velocity" effect when it took off... But the scene that worries me the most, somehow, is the tealed-out shot of the storm troopers huddled in a carrier. It's not just that it looks generically Abramsy, it's that I can't think of a reason for that scene to exist that doesn't mean the story is going to be hella dumb.
posted by fleacircus at 1:39 AM on November 29, 2014

The weird landspeeder looked properly Star Wars; the X-Wings should've been Snowspeeders (well, Aquaspeeders). The football droid; meh.
posted by MartinWisse at 2:37 AM on November 29, 2014

Martinwisse, if the X-Wings were coming from another planet, the shot makes sense. The snowspeeders weren't built for space flight (hence the flaps and air brakes used for steering in Empire).
posted by Ghidorah at 3:04 AM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

Beach ball droid is a distant descendant of these two.
posted by moonmilk at 3:53 AM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

I just watched it again (for the 10th time) and suddenly I am all about rewatching all six Star Wars movies, the Ewok movies, the two Clone War series *and* my annual SWHS revisitation.

I may even buy The Last Command and finally finish the Thrawn Trilogy.
Damnit,Star Wars,
All of a sudden there was that theme and the Falcon and I was excited.
posted by Mezentian at 4:02 AM on November 29, 2014 [3 favorites]

I've started watching Rebels with my son. We're only a few episodes in, but when the Inquisitor showed up he got progressively more excited as the dude's lightsaber went through its iterations.

The Dark Side's biggest temptation: cooler lightsabers.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 4:44 AM on November 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

I will say that Abrams and Disney are making a major, major mistake here in the design of that new droid, because it's going to be impossible for the fans to make replicas.

I would bet that you would be surprised what sufficiently dedicated people can do with magnets and gyroscopes.

For example, here's how you'd do the base, and here's how you'd do the head.


And here I looked at it as: Its about damn time someone had to f-up a segway hardcore in the name of fandom.
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:05 AM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

But the scene that worries me the most, somehow, is the tealed-out shot of the storm troopers huddled in a carrier. It's not just that it looks generically Abramsy, it's that I can't think of a reason for that scene to exist that doesn't mean the story is going to be hella dumb.

Good job you're not the scriptwriter then.
posted by popcassady at 5:17 AM on November 29, 2014 [3 favorites]

I like the lightsaber. I'm all for new and interesting visuals, plus I like the medieval/fantasy aspect. Also, if you get into the more esoteric aspects of sword fighting like the use of sacred shapes and the mysticism of the crusaders then it actually makes sense. But very few people care or even know about any of that and I think the decisive question was probably something like "will the kids like it?"
posted by P.o.B. at 5:21 AM on November 29, 2014

(looks at thread)

I wonder if it was this bad when Constantine called the First Council of Nicaea.
posted by Devonian at 5:41 AM on November 29, 2014 [19 favorites]

I just watched it again. I'm pretty psyched, really. I'll be perfectly happy if Episode VII is nothing more than a competent popcorn action movie, which I know Abrams can deliver.

I think all of us aging gen-xers are really going to lose our shit when they release the first trailer with Hamill/Ford/Fisher in it.
posted by usonian at 5:50 AM on November 29, 2014 [4 favorites]

Now I'm re-imagining A Christmas Story remade in the SW universe, only little Ralphie Starkiller really wants a light saber for Christmas (Lifeday?) but everyone keeps telling him, "You'll cut your hand off, kid."
posted by valkane at 5:51 AM on November 29, 2014 [8 favorites]

I think all of us aging gen-xers are really going to lose our shit when they release the first trailer with Hamill/Ford/Fisher in it.

You do remember when the cast photo hit, right?
posted by Mezentian at 5:57 AM on November 29, 2014

The teaser/trailer didn't do much for me (the CGI still looks unrealistic, and cutesy robot, ugh) but it looks like the kind of thing I'd be all excited about if I was the same age now as I was when the first movies came out, so I suspect they are hitting the right notes. It at least looks watchable, unlike the second batch of three, or the remakes with the cartoony CGI additions.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:27 AM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

if you get into the more esoteric aspects of sword fighting like the use of sacred shapes and the mysticism of the crusaders then it actually makes sense

How does it make sense in a world where Christians don't exist?
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 7:02 AM on November 29, 2014

How does it make sense in a world where Christians don't exist?

You'll love the extended universe's the non-canon explanation for why Han can sensibly say, "I'll see you in hell."
posted by sparkletone at 7:05 AM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

Martinwisse, if the X-Wings were coming from another planet, the shot makes sense. The snowspeeders weren't built for space flight (hence the flaps and air brakes used for steering in Empire).

Imagine a modern incarnation of the X-Wing/Tie Fighter PC games where you take off from a planet, rendezvous with other fighters, warp through space, fight your way through planetary defenses, descend into the atmosphere and attack a target.

The whole time Artoo is toodling in your ear about power converters
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:36 AM on November 29, 2014 [6 favorites]

Obviously you have to read the translation of Artoo on your computer display
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:41 AM on November 29, 2014

> Here's the YouTube version for those of us who can't play QuickTime videos.

Thanks, octothorpe. Hell no I'm not installing quicktime, it comes with a free Bonjour infection.
posted by jfuller at 8:02 AM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

Thanks, octothorpe. Hell no I'm not installing quicktime, it comes with a free Bonjour infection.

At least you have that choice. I only have a Chromebook and an Android phone with me so installing QuickTime isn't even an option.
posted by octothorpe at 8:05 AM on November 29, 2014

It's funny because for Mac users, it's more like, "Hell no, I'm not installing Flash, it comes with a free everything infection."
posted by entropicamericana at 8:08 AM on November 29, 2014 [4 favorites]

I assume he's going to confront Luke, who is in the trees.

I'm assuming that is Luke.

"Much anger in him, like his father" after all.
posted by eriko at 8:11 AM on November 29, 2014 [3 favorites]

Happily, modern browsers can display video just fine with no plugins. No Flash, no Quicktime. Just an HTML5 <video> tag and one of several widely supported codecs.

Apple has a long history of marketing its proprietary video crap with Star Wars trailers. The original Star Wars Episode 1 trailer was the Trojan Horse that got Quicktime adoption widely on the Internet, or maybe it was specifically the Sorenson codec. I thought it was interesting that Disney fairly quickly put official versions of this trailer on YouTube and Twitter; I'd have thought Apple would have paid for a longer exclusive.
posted by Nelson at 8:11 AM on November 29, 2014

> The weird landspeeder looked properly Star Wars

And the noise it makes when the rider starts up. Pure Honda 350. Kickstart.

> Back in the eighties, when George Lucas realized how ridiculously fanatical Star Wars fans were,
> he decided to do everything possible to liberate them from their illusions. In spite of all his efforts,
> still some live on in hope.

That should be the upward-scrolling intro text for at least one of them.
posted by jfuller at 8:12 AM on November 29, 2014 [4 favorites]

I haven't installed Flash in years.
posted by octothorpe at 8:13 AM on November 29, 2014

> It's funny because for Mac users, it's more like, "Hell no, I'm not installing Flash, it comes with a
> free everything infection."

Oh adobe, oh YooToob, you are my heart's despair. Can't live with you, can't live without you. Well, at least for win+firefox+flash there's NoScript. Until HTML5 gets around to conquering all, some time in the golden but misty future.
posted by jfuller at 8:20 AM on November 29, 2014

Devonian: I wonder if it was this bad when Constantine called the First Council of Nicaea.

Oh, don't be silly, there's no comparison really. One was about defining the course of Western Civilization for the coming centuries, the other's just a bunch of tussling bishops.
posted by Kattullus at 8:26 AM on November 29, 2014 [15 favorites]

I wonder if it was this bad when Constantine called the First Council of Nicaea.

For one brief sleepy moment, I thought we were talking about the new Constantine TV show, and I believed they had called a church council to discuss his smoking or lack thereof.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:32 AM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

How does it make sense in a world where Christians don't exist?

Because the cross(gaurd) wasn't just representative of the Christian cross. Like I said it's pretty esoteric stuff, and it would require a lot of discussion and hands on study. This is an interesting article that touches on it. I'm not really trying to make a solid case here, just that it makes sense because - magical space wizards!
posted by P.o.B. at 8:51 AM on November 29, 2014

Hey dawg I heard you like lightsabers so we put a lightsaber on your lightsaber so you can lightsaber while you lightsaber.-saladinahmed
posted by Flashman at 8:52 AM on November 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

All this back and forth between those who think the original trilogy was all crap and those who think it was great is needlessly clouding over the issue. One reason Star Wars became so huge was that when it released there had been nothing like it before, it was a real game changer (and yes, I know that terms mean nothing now, but back then it did apply to the Star Wars movie). And then the sequel came out and was again a game changer for its dark tone and unresolved ending. By the time Jedi came out we can see that the uniqueness of Star Wars had faded quite a bit and the quality and affinity of the film was not quite up to scratch, but nevertheless there were some great scenes in there. So the films had a huge and lasting effect on many many people.

And in a lot of ways, Star Trek also had a lasting effect on its fans, it was a more cerebral approach to the genre (despite all the schtick), and it had a resonating effect on its fans. The new films are only trying to capitalize on the popularity, but they are not creating anything new. In fact the film making team is expressely picked out for that one goal in mind: reaping what is already there, not creating anything new. JJ Abrams was chosen specifically because his approach to action packed scenes with beautiful scenery will keep people coming back for more, and this is a much easier approach than trying to build characters and story, because frankly characters and story do not sell a lot of movie tickets.

With that said, I am of the camp that the characters and story in the first SW trilogy was what got me hooked, the action was a nice bonus. But I think we can see that for a lot of people it was the opposite, the action was cool and they don't give a rat's ass about the story. The latter camp, for better or for worse, has won out. More power to them. The new SW films will make boatloads of money for sure, but they will not create the kind of magic that happened in 1979. And to be fair, how could they? We live in different times.
posted by Vindaloo at 8:59 AM on November 29, 2014 [4 favorites]

Why couldn't they get David Lynch? Lynch's Star Wars *would* be high art.

And here I was coming in to suggest that Dune was the sci-fi film that y'all could unite against in your hatred because, seriously. (About the only redeeming part I found when I was 13 and saw it was that clip of Sting in the flying metal underwear, but Patrick Stewart and the pug bjorn cancels that out.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:02 AM on November 29, 2014

You do remember when the cast photo hit, right?

When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not.
posted by immlass at 9:25 AM on November 29, 2014 [10 favorites]

If you're hungry for more Star Wars, this 15 minute edit of the Holiday Christmas Special is pretty great. Bonus Pickle Surprise around 5:15 (albeit with Bantha Lumps instead of Pickles.)
posted by Nelson at 9:25 AM on November 29, 2014

Like I said it's pretty esoteric stuff, and it would require a lot of discussion and hands on study. This is an interesting article that touches on it.

I am well aware of the (in my opinion, somewhat graceless) shoehorning of mathematics into swordplay during the Renaissance, but I'm not sure what that has to do with crusaders or the potential cruciform symbolism of their weaponry (swords had stopped looking very much like crosses by the period this article deals with).
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 9:32 AM on November 29, 2014

This guy is so excited he makes me more excited!
posted by Harald74 at 9:33 AM on November 29, 2014 [7 favorites]

> Like I said it's pretty esoteric stuff, and it would require a lot of discussion and hands on study. This is an interesting article that touches on it.

Aha! Do the Sith train with the Mysterious Circle? Some immortals do.

Sith: Two there should be; no more, no less.
Immortals: There can be only one.
posted by homunculus at 9:53 AM on November 29, 2014

This guy is so excited he makes me more excited!

It's not so much that I don't get this excited about things, but I kinda envy people that get to have that feeling more often than I do and this guy is clearly one of them.
posted by sparkletone at 9:55 AM on November 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

The thing that I'm most curious/concerned about is that the original trilogy is so fundamentally built on being about rebels and outsiders using forgotten magic to take down an enemy that is unimaginably more powerful than them. How is that going to work in the (assumed) post-Empire world, where the Jedi order has been restored and a new government has been installed?

Because I cannot seem to draft a comment in this thread without going on and on about Star Trek, I'll say that this is, IMO, maybe the difference between Trek and Wars--Trek is a vision of the ultimate benevolent government, the end result of a few centuries of building a system designed around self-actualization and respect for humanity, but it tends to falter when it tries to tell stories that are about questioning or challenging that system, with a few notable exceptions. Wars is about the messy work of taking down a corrupt system using a shoestring and your wits.

This is one of the problems with the prequel trilogy. There's a few threads of what could be an interesting reversal--the protagonists as the last generation in a system decaying under its own weight, like the last days of Rome--but for the most part it feels like Lucas didn't give it all that much thought. Is the Republic worth saving, or does the Empire succeed in taking over because what was there was already faltering? Does the Jedi Order still stand for something noble, or has it become another cog in the political machine? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Circling back around to Abrams and his Treks, it's a mixed bag. One of the really compelling elements in both films are the hints here and there that the Federation in this alternate timeline is more militarized and authoritarian than the space-hippies in TOS, due to the attack by Nero that causes the timeline divergence. The phrase "post-9/11 [filmmaking]" is obnoxious, but it's apt here, I think. It's also notable that the plot of both films take pains to cut off Kirk and the crew from the support of the Federation. Scrappy upstarts lite. He really shat the bed with Khan, though--the thing that made original-recipe Khan an interesting and sympathetic villain was that he was someone who felt like the Federation had failed him, wronged him and his--and the story pretty much backed him up on that opinion. Instead, we got some tired ubermensch-gone-vengeful archetype and a bunch of winking nods to nostalgia without regard as to whether they made logical or emotional sense in the movie.
posted by kagredon at 9:56 AM on November 29, 2014 [9 favorites]

I am well aware of the (in my opinion, somewhat graceless) shoehorning of mathematics into swordplay

Eh, your mind's made up. So... MAGICAL SPACE WIZARDS!!!
posted by P.o.B. at 10:01 AM on November 29, 2014

kagredon: "It's also notable that the plot of both films take pains to cut off Kirk and the crew from the support of the Federation."

Literally the only thing I like about Star Trek 2009 is the way the story actually does that. The original movies are basically, sorry, I know you're in orbit around Earth and all, but you're still the only ship in the quadrant, or something? Just get in there, Kirk, the rest of us are too drunk to go on the mission.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 10:07 AM on November 29, 2014 [4 favorites]

No. The Old Republic was bloated and corrupt, as rotten as the state of Denmark.

This was clearly stated in the prequels and the excellent(sic) Clone Wars... but if you chose to ignore the prequels, I am pretty sure it's mentioned in the original trilogy (if not the films or radio script then the novelisations by ADF and James Kahn).

The fall of the Republic is pretty central to the Star Wars back story.
posted by Mezentian at 3:38 AM on November 29

And that is why you are wrong. QED.
posted by Reverend John at 10:07 AM on November 29, 2014

On the subject of lightsaber duels. I knew a guy who was lucky enough to own the original Kenner Star Wars Lightsaber toy as a child. On the day he got it, him and his brother did what any other kid would do, have lightsaber duels. Unlike other children, his dueling lasted from morning to night. He held the lightsaber so tightly in his hand and for so long that he could not release his grip. His hand was clenched closed like a vice. Ultimately his parents had to take him to the hospital where they managed to free his hold of the toy by giving him a muscle relaxant.

I'll bet he felt just like Luke Skywalker receiving medical treatment after his (admittedly more severe) hand injury.
posted by SpacemanStix at 10:35 AM on November 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

This guy is so excited he makes me more excited!

Hey, that was a pretty damn good Wookie warble.

I really like the composition of the trailer, especially how the voiceover says "The Dark Side," and we see Crusader Sith, and then (ruefully) "and The Light," and the Falcon screams into view to the familiar fanfare. The latter was a great choice, because the Millennium Falcon was both the ultimate symbol of the Rebellion (cobbled together from spare parts and heart) and the best aspects of the light side of the force: loyalty, sacrifice, friendship, love, hope, perseverance. In fact, that ship is as much a major character as any of the principal leads. Not bad for a short clip with zero context.
posted by echocollate at 10:40 AM on November 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

How is that going to work in the (assumed) post-Empire world, where the Jedi order has been restored and a new government has been installed?

Now that Disney has pretty much axed the canon of the extended universe, we really don't know what's happened in the years following the Battle of Endor. That's really the biggest mystery, because everything else unfolds from there.
posted by echocollate at 10:43 AM on November 29, 2014

You'll love the extended universe's the non-canon explanation for why Han can sensibly say, "I'll see you in hell."

oh Maker, the Corellian article is a thing of beauty. SPACE 'MERICANS.
posted by kagredon at 10:58 AM on November 29, 2014

Wow. Watching this on a big screen with a decent sound system seals the deal.

Sweaty faced John Boyega is doing more acting in 2 seconds than anyone did in the entire prequel series.

Repeated for truth.
posted by mazola at 11:01 AM on November 29, 2014 [8 favorites]

I haven't read this whole thread, but i can't possibly be the only one totally nonplussed by the whole Rian Johnson thing.

He's fucking worse than JJ in every way. Brick was a decent movie, but was kind of smug and full of itself. Still, it was pretty good, and everyone i know enjoyed it.

Looper was a piece of shit. It was worse than into darkness, or anything JJ has done.

It was seriously like a stoned 15 year old watched inception and immediately decided they wanted to write a time travel movie afterwards. Even if you ignore the fact that it isn't all that internally consistent which i'm willing to maybe forgive, it's like equilibrium except it keeps suggesting that it might actually start being something you can take seriously, rather than being totally silly the whole time.

I'd probably have to put more effort in to seriously demolishing it, but i just don't get why anyone thinks he's such a good director or likes that movie.

It was like porn for people who thought inception was truly deep(and to be fair, i don't hate that movie, i just hate the superfans). It's stompy, clunky, and just generally rolls along in fits and starts and commits every sin people rag on JJ movies for even more sloppily. It's like "cool for the sake of cool" visual stuff with no substance, and except it's even worse because it tries to pretend it has substance.

It's so much better to be silly or stupid and never pretend to be more, than to front like you're something serious or that it's sillyness with a middlebrow undercurrent of "smart" or whatever. And that's the vibe i get from everything he's made.

He's a great example of a lot of the stuff that's wrong with a lot of recent blockbuster movies, tbh.

If they're trying to do a MCU thing here, they're really off to a shitty start on what directors they picked.

and fuck, i was initially excited because i confused looper with primer for a second. I would TOTALLY watch an out there, slow moving, kind of experimental mindfuck star wars movie. Maybe set the whole thing on coruscant like that TV show and game they cancelled?
posted by emptythought at 11:04 AM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

I just watched this with my son. Here is his assessment: "At least it's not a musical."
posted by double block and bleed at 11:21 AM on November 29, 2014 [6 favorites]

The worst part about Looper was when they pulled the switcheroo and it stopped being a bad time travel movie and started being a bad Twilight Zone retread. Johnson wrote the movie too, so it's all his fault. Not everyone's adolescent screenplay turns out to be as great as Besson's, you know?

(BTW everyone, MeFi has a great subsite called FanFare where this kind of conversation is de rigeur. Join us!)
posted by Nelson at 11:22 AM on November 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

Johnson has a very specific eye towards atmosphere and characterization which is what makes up 90% of Star Wars films anyway. His films are really well put together even if you don't like the story.
posted by P.o.B. at 11:27 AM on November 29, 2014 [3 favorites]

Looper was a piece of shit. It was worse than into darkness, or anything JJ has done.

(draws lightsaber) I demand satisfaction, sir!

You're right that like Inception, I think a lot of people kind of overinvested in the idea of "movie as twisty puzzlebox", but, like Inception, the twisty puzzlebox aspects are neither that twisty nor all that rewarding to spend a lot of time in deep thought about.

For me, the thing about Looper that really makes me look forward to Johnson's take on the SW universe are the background worldbuilding touches--the billboards about telekinesis, the contrast between the decadence with which Gordon-Levitt and his friends spend their short-lived earnings to the misery and destitution that surrounds them, the contrast between the near-future urban glitz that dominates the first half of the movie and the near-abandoned, pastoral farmland where the execution scenes and the second half come in. The montage of JGL's travels on his way to aging into Bruce Willis, all set in global cityscapes that are familiar and yet strange. The story itself is pretty perfunctory.
posted by kagredon at 11:30 AM on November 29, 2014 [7 favorites]

Imagine a modern incarnation of the X-Wing/Tie Fighter PC games where you take off from a planet, rendezvous with other fighters, warp through space, fight your way through planetary defenses, descend into the atmosphere and attack a target.

Dude stfu some of us are still really bitter about battlefront 3 being cancelled. It had all that and more.

Like, the stuff you just described was one of the tentpole examples of gameplay they endlessly pimped.

Would be nice if they finally made that game though.

And while they're at it, a new podracer game(or these new landspeeders, something) and a new rogue squadron type game.
posted by emptythought at 12:01 PM on November 29, 2014

For me, the thing about Looper that really makes me look forward to Johnson's take on the SW universe are the background worldbuilding touches

Yeah the production details were tight, all the old cars with solar panels strapped to them and the exhuast port closed off - it wasn't a cartoonist dystopia, everything was just kind of shitty.
posted by The Whelk at 12:05 PM on November 29, 2014 [6 favorites]

Rian Johnson showed more directing talent in the Ozymandias episode of Breaking Bad than J.J. Abrams has in his entire career.
posted by saul wright at 12:43 PM on November 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

If Equilibrium is aware of its own deep silliness in any outwardly manifest way, I was unable to detect it. Obviously it was hilariously ludicrous, but it had Gattaca levels of po-facedness about it.

I couldn't muster up much excitement about the trailer. The opening desert shot was great. If you're a jaded, cynical person who used to be a wide eyed child....if you ever can, go for a sunrise walk in an empty Death Valley canyon in winter...That's where the last, pure, untouched shred of your Star Wars nostalgia is waiting.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 12:59 PM on November 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

MeFi's Beloved Boulet has options for future lightsaber variations.
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:04 PM on November 29, 2014

"Foolish Jedi... I cannot be killed, for my Sith robes are made entirely out of lightsabers!"
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 1:12 PM on November 29, 2014 [3 favorites]

How is that going to work in the (assumed) post-Empire world, where the Jedi order has been restored and a new government has been installed?

Yeah, I was thinking of that. Unless they contrive another reason to knock the New Republic on it's butt again, they have a couple of directions to take the story in. Someone mentioned Moffs fighting among each other like rival warlords with a New Republic trying to gain control, and that may work but perhaps confusing to see Storm Troopers firing on Storm Troopers.

I was also thinking since Star Wars takes some history from World War II, that would place the 30-years later "Force Awakens" at about the late 60s and early 70s. A New Republic/Empire Cold War doesn't sound as appealing and a New Republic getting bogged down in a Vietnam Conflict-esque situation, while headline-grabby, is maybe a little too dark and cynical even for Star Wars.
posted by FJT at 1:17 PM on November 29, 2014

Now that Disney has pretty much axed the canon of the extended universe, we really dont know whats happened in the years following the Battle of Endor. Thats really the biggest mystery, because everything else unfolds from there.

echocollate at 10:43 AM on November 29

Indeed, and that we see ample evidence of Empire elements still seemingly very much in control of the original supply chains and command structures, my bet is that in this blank slate future we know nothing of yet, things didnt work out quite so neatly for the Rebellion as they did in the now fan-fic extended universe.

Me, I hope they go all-in with the Endor Holocaust theory, where the detonation of such a massive moon-sized chunk of metal in low-orbit over a planet inevitably caused a mass extinction event on Endor, and tainted the reputation of the Rebellion for generations to follow!
posted by MysteriousMan at 1:26 PM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

Dude stfu some of us are still really bitter about battlefront 3 being cancelled.

You won't believe what's been resurrected!
posted by ominous_paws at 1:27 PM on November 29, 2014

Shot-by-shot Lego version of the trailer.
posted by valkane at 1:27 PM on November 29, 2014 [19 favorites]

I actually giggled out loud at how they handled the sabre in lego.
posted by ominous_paws at 1:31 PM on November 29, 2014 [5 favorites]

Shot-by-shot Lego version of the trailer.

That is considerably better than the original, sadly.
posted by Dip Flash at 1:37 PM on November 29, 2014

John Boyega and Daisy Ridley hanging out while filming in July (instagram)

John Boyega and Daisy Ridley and friends at the post-shooting wrap up party in November (instagram)

I have high hopes for these guys in the film
posted by memebake at 1:41 PM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

I was antsy (see also Lucy's football above) and then I watched the thing and MILLENNIUM FALCON and THAT MUSIC and CHILLS UP MY GODDAMN SPINE I TELL YOU and obviously I am going to go watch this like approximately every human being within a hundred miles of a movie theatre.

Not everyone's adolescent screenplay turns out to be as great as Besson's, you know?

That movie is not just greater than it had any right to be, it was greater than any three movies have a right to be. Everything about it is perfect from beginning to end.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:23 PM on November 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

In terms of telling a story, or giving characters any kind of emotional resonance ( other than ‘ooo pretty’ or ‘wow cool’ ), there’s nothing there

Counterpoint: Fringe.

In the right environment (and with the right actors and writers), Abrams is certainly capable of producing emotionally-resonant characters that have warmth.

Sure, it's possible to dismiss some of the characters as cold and stilted, but that was actually kind of the point -- Anna Torv's performance on Fringe was restrained and nuanced in a way that you rarely see on a popular TV show.

Perhaps the problem with Abrams's films is that he takes too long to establish good characters -- longer than you could fit into the span of a movie. The other problem might be that his movies haven't included characters that deliberately add "warmth" to the cast (ie. John Noble's role on Fringe).
posted by schmod at 3:31 PM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

Me, I hope they go all-in with the Endor Holocaust theory, where the detonation of such a massive moon-sized chunk of metal in low-orbit over a planet inevitably caused a mass extinction event on Endor, and tainted the reputation of the Rebellion for generations to follow!
posted by MysteriousMan at 3:26 PM on November 29

Ironically for a site called "theforce.net", that essay hardly references The Force at all, and blatantly overlooks the presence of arguably the greatest Jedi of all time being present on the surface of Endor during the supposed "holocaust". To quote another who would know: "The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of The Force".

There was no Endor Holocaust.
posted by Reverend John at 3:31 PM on November 29, 2014 [3 favorites]

Actually Fringe supports the case of JJA being a great producer, all accounts say he headed up the creative talent and let them do their thing, which is kind of the skill you want in someone possibly supervising a shared movie universe - and yeah Trov's woodeness was written into the story as being there for a reason.
posted by The Whelk at 3:40 PM on November 29, 2014 [3 favorites]

My thorts, by Devonian (aged 11+e^i*pi-1)

1. jj abrams had a boyfrend/girlfrend tiff at critical fighting point on ST reboot+1. he is evil and should be not allowed to remake anything with greater call on duty, integrity and grace under pressure than manic miner.
2. if u r riffing on lite saber fingergards, u r doin the skiffy rong. tho not as rong as jj. see 1 above.
3. the raf flew blooming lancasters at zero feet on their attack runz. do not be dissing biggles.
3a. lucas based thai fighter battles on spitfires in battle of britain film. leave it.
3b. not to harp on about this, but the tornado gr4 has had fully automated terrain following radar capabilities since the last century.
4. if u r riffing on canon and consistency, u r so doing skiffy rong. dr who set reboot rules when george was 19. bow to the dr.
4b. also the raf tornados r fitted with tornado advanced radar display info system actually called TARDIS. u see where im going with this.
5. there's a reason skywalker is on cover of hero with a thousand faces. don't nergle the hell thing.
6. notwithstanding 1-5 above, trailer teaser has created giant mefi thread with no meta-genda warz. there may be hope for mankind, there may be hope for mefi, there may even be hope for starwarz.
posted by Devonian at 3:58 PM on November 29, 2014

There is certainly hope for animated GIFs. (Er, GfyCat MP4 movies). X-Wings skimming over water, and Stabilized Millennium NeoFalcon. (As found on the Tooter.)
posted by Nelson at 4:18 PM on November 29, 2014 [3 favorites]

Shot-by-shot Lego version of the trailer.

Best thing: the callout to the errors in the SFX in the original movie where you can see the edges of the clips where the TIE fighters are pasted onto the film cels in the dogfight between them and the Falcon.
posted by immlass at 4:34 PM on November 29, 2014 [4 favorites]

That is considerably better than the original, sadly.

I've found "LEGO version of X is considerably better than X" to be true for all values of X. (especially for X = Batman).
posted by straight at 4:39 PM on November 29, 2014 [3 favorites]

I really hope there's a sequel to GOTG

I've never really understood this. Half the time sequels blow goats. I hope they put their time and energy into a film as thoroughly and unexpectedly enjoyable as GOTG turned out to be, and if it's a sequel to GOTG great, but if not, also great. Sometimes it's better to move on after doing something well. Mike Myers at least had the sense to realize that a "Sprockets" film was going to suck and shut down development, over the bewildered objections of the studio. (Putting aside that the film he went on to make instead was -- reportedly -- at least as bad.)
posted by George_Spiggott at 4:45 PM on November 29, 2014

Half the time, sequels blow goats.

Not that you're wrong, but this is the same company managing the MCU, and, well, did you see the Captain America sequel?
posted by dogheart at 4:57 PM on November 29, 2014 [3 favorites]

Yeah the MCU gets a pass on "sequels" cause they're not really that, they're another edition in a shared universe (Iron Man 2 excepted cause, well it's the weakest of them)
posted by The Whelk at 5:19 PM on November 29, 2014

Devonian: "My thorts, by Devonian (aged 11+e^i*pi-1)"

According to this, you're 12, but also 180° out of phase???
posted by boo_radley at 6:07 PM on November 29, 2014 [5 favorites]

Apparently the voiceover is by Andy Serkis.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 6:32 PM on November 29, 2014

I've never really understood this. Half the time sequels blow goats.

This is very true. One of the very final lines of the movie was, "The Guardians of the Galaxy will return," and at that moment I thought, "yeah, I can do more of this." I think the reason that I'd like more of this and not the next project is because they were successful in creating characters I really liked, and I'd like to see more of them, versus someone other characters that I don't know yet. Kind of like where most of our yearnings lie with Star Wars, actually.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:55 PM on November 29, 2014

 I assume he's going to confront Luke, who is in the trees.
Well, something in the trees.

He's going to go kill some boars, they're worth one experience point each.
posted by mon-ma-tron at 6:56 PM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

Not that you're wrong, but this is the same company managing the MCU, and, well, did you see the Captain America sequel?

I don't think either of you are necessarily wrong. Half the time sequels do suck (Robocop 2, Ghostbusters 2, Predator 2, Mighty Ducks 2) , but the other half of the time they're as good or even eclipse their predecessor (Road Warrior, Terminator 2, Aliens, The Dark Knight, Toy Story 2) and sometimes they're just all right (Temple of Doom, Back to the Future 2, Home Alone 2, How to Train your Dragon 2, Monsters University). And I'm only limiting myself to direct sequels as well (Number 2 in the series), because things usually really start to hit the fan at Number 3.

I think the original Cap was such a lackluster movie that it wasn't that hard for the second one to surpass.
posted by FJT at 6:56 PM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

Also: I just watched this with my son. Here is his assessment: "At least it's not a musical."

Aw, come ON! I can't be the only one who would watch the hell out of a Star Wars musical!
posted by mon-ma-tron at 7:02 PM on November 29, 2014

I think the original Cap was such a lackluster movie

SIGH
posted by The Whelk at 8:04 PM on November 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'm sorry Whelk but you look like Captain Britain there, not America
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:16 PM on November 29, 2014

GotG was probably my least favorite MCU movie except for maybe the first Thor. I was really prepared to like it and it just fell flat for me. I found about half-way through that I really didn't quite follow the details of the plot (who was double-crossing whom) and didn't really care. It had some OK moments but two hours of Chris Pratt being insufferable was more than I needed. Hopefully the sequel will have less of him.
posted by octothorpe at 8:22 PM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

We fired up the projectors and kicked on the big boy audio system to watch the trailer and this is what we learned:

1) The audio is designed to blow people out of their seats in a theater. We were at half volume, and we were still were registering on the local seismograph. Serious bass in every scene.

2) Jeoc, Jr. (who at almost 12 years old has steadfastly refused to have anything to do with Star Wars, despite being an uber-nerd in almost every other respect) said, "That's EPIC!" And is now insisting that we have forcibly kept her from watching Star Wars movies (Note: This is not the case) and is now demanding to see them.

3) Mr. Jeoc (age: 38, bonafide nerd but not really a SW fan) said, "That looks like Star Wars." Which is pretty high praise.

He also immediately pegged the figure in the woods with the claymore saber as Luke, so.

This is going to make a lot of money.
posted by jeoc at 8:35 PM on November 29, 2014 [3 favorites]

Half the time sequels do suck (Robocop 2

NUKE AT DAWN, SIR!
posted by Ghidorah at 9:11 PM on November 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

> I gotta say, when the Falcon popped up, I felt like a twelve-year-old again.

That's what I call mine too!

Do you use the chat up line: "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. I've made a lot of special modifications myself."?
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:16 PM on November 29, 2014 [4 favorites]

I was really prepared to like it and it just fell flat for me.

Wow. Complete opposite for me; I almost didn't see it because of the bro-ish humor of the trailer; which turned out to be something of a misdirection. The trailer made you think it was aiming for Farrelly-style yuks but in the film you're laughing at him, not with him. That and the well-excecuted visual comedy, the fantastic scene design and being one of the few really effective translations of space opera to the screen; something that the MCU has never done very well in print (I'm prepared for someone to correct me here) but the film did superbly. Hell, it even made me like Rocket before it was over. And of course there was Groot.
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:18 PM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

capwhelk finds your lack of patriotism disturbing
posted by kagredon at 9:51 PM on November 29, 2014

Aw, come ON! I can't be the only one who would watch the hell out of a Star Wars musical!

Fate, tempt it not.
Written, the songs already are, yes?
Especially for the dramatic dance-off.
posted by Mezentian at 9:52 PM on November 29, 2014

This is going to make a lot of money.

Your prognostication powers are unstoppable.
posted by dhartung at 9:55 PM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

Aw, come ON! I can't be the only one who would watch the hell out of a Star Wars musical!

Only if it stars Bernadette Peters and Patti LuPone and George Hearn.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:58 PM on November 29, 2014

Strong in the force Jeoc is.
Through the Force, things you will see. Other places. The future…the past. Old friends long gone.... box office receipts from December 2015. Merchanising tie-ins.
posted by Mezentian at 9:59 PM on November 29, 2014

Aw, come ON! I can't be the only one who would watch the hell out of a Star Wars musical!

Can't find the clip on Youtube OR even Simpsons World, so you get a pic instead:

Luke be a Jedi Tonight!
Just be a Jedi Tonight!
Do it for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda.
Uh, and do it for Chewie, and the Ewoks, and all the other puppets
Luke, be a Jedi tonight!

Especially for the dramatic dance-off

Oh, I see. If it's a dance fight you want. It's a dance fight you will get.
posted by FJT at 10:04 PM on November 29, 2014 [2 favorites]

"One Season More".
posted by crossoverman at 10:09 PM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

There was a Star Wars one man show that had musical numbers.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 10:14 PM on November 29, 2014

1) The audio is designed to blow people out of their seats in a theater. We were at half volume, and we were still were registering on the local seismograph. Serious bass in every scene.

Yep, I noticed this too. I don't have a huge system, but it's big for the size of the room it's in and is better than what $AVERAGE_HUMAN has. At a fairly low setting it was ear-bleeding, knock shit off shelves loud.

The last movie to surprise me with this for what the gain was set to on the receiver was set to. The last time this happened was... Star trek into darkness. And oh hey, look at the common denominator!

I think I'm going to term this BWAAAAAAAHHH audio mixing. Because of that fucking inception sound they put super loud in every trailer now.(last noticed it in the avengers 2 trailer). It's like every sound that could conceivably have bass like that is required to. Dunno how I feel about that. It's kinda fun when it's just totally comically loud though and slaps you in the face, but mostly in a theater. When an internet released mix is mastered that way it's just kinda annoying. Watching stuff like this can be really annoying at home, especially at night, unless you have a limiter(or that "srs tru volume" or whatever, which has never worked on any device I owned which had it) in your system. Kinda wish they'd release two mixes of movies widescreen/full-screen or 2d 3d style. Maybe standard and "dynamic"?

It's fun in a trailer, but it gets annoying in a full movie at home unless it's mid day and you know it's coming. Ugh.
posted by emptythought at 11:33 PM on November 29, 2014 [1 favorite]

No movie gets 100% approval. None. People treat the minority film opinion folks as lost souls needing enlightenment. Fuff.
posted by jscott at 11:43 PM on November 29, 2014

The Force Awakens: Teaser Trailer - the Special Edition. by George Lucas.
posted by crossoverman at 11:54 PM on November 29, 2014 [22 favorites]

Hey now, where's Boba Fett?
posted by Mezentian at 12:00 AM on November 30, 2014

Being slowly digested over a thousand years. Muhahaha, suffer EU Boba Fett fanboys!
posted by Drinky Die at 12:44 AM on November 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

But I thought he died on the journey back to his home planet.
posted by Mezentian at 1:09 AM on November 30, 2014

I just watched this with my son. Here is his assessment: "At least it's not a musical."

Ishoor is going to be disappointed.
posted by blueberry at 1:30 AM on November 30, 2014

The Old Republic was Obviously Good, and the only reason that it fell was the sinister treachery of the forces of the Dark Side.

Also known as World of Warcraft.
posted by ersatz at 2:34 AM on November 30, 2014

George Lucas has released his own version of the trailer!
posted by memebake at 3:54 AM on November 30, 2014 [9 favorites]

Darth Vader actor David Prowse reveals he has dementia: 'I'd love to be in Star Wars 7 but would probably forget my lines'
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:23 AM on November 30, 2014

Darth Vader actor David Prowse reveals he has dementia:

This news ruined my day.
posted by Mezentian at 4:50 AM on November 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

George Lucas has released his own version of the trailer!

Jabba should have put out his thumb as the speeder went by. Cheska lopey hoo pumba Chi-town?*



*Are you headed for Chicago?
posted by lharmon at 5:49 AM on November 30, 2014

The Washington Post, pro and con:

Master bladesmith: New lightsaber design is a terrible idea

Sometimes crossguards could be used to bash opponents at close range, said Cashen. But that's basically the only use he could see for the lightsaber-bladed crossguard. And that specific function doesn't make up for the dubious nature of the design. "The problem is the other 80 percent of the time you'd be in grave danger of searing yourself," he said.

Lightsaber critics say the one in the Star Wars teaser could never work. They’re wrong.

In the Star Wars universe, there are certain rare materials that are thought to be lightsaber-resistant. Among these are substances like phrik, cortosis and Mandalorian iron, which have been used to create weapons and armor that can deflect or short-circuit lightsaber beams. There's a precedent for lightsabers made of phrik: Emperor Palpatine's lightsaber was, according to Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith: The Visual Dictionary. In Star Wars video games, cortosis has been shown to block lightsabers, and sometimes shut them down. Maybe J.J. Abrams has really done his homework on Star Wars technology. Maybe what he's telling us is that this Sith saber is made of one of these resistant materials.

posted by GrammarMoses at 6:01 AM on November 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

The Force Awakens: Teaser Trailer - the Special Edition. by George Lucas.

OK that was hilarious. All it's missing is a couple of pod racers for the video game tie in.

(Seriously, for all the crap in the Star Wars 1-3 movies, that pod race scene was pretty great. You can tell he regretted not having borrowed from Ben Hur before. It worked pretty well, shame about the boy actor.)
posted by Nelson at 6:53 AM on November 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

All this talk of a musical, and no Bea Arthur singing in the Cantina?
posted by Flunkie at 6:59 AM on November 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Looks like we're still stuck with the teal-and-orange palette craze. GOTG had it like nobody's business, and so does this trailer.
posted by George_Spiggott at 8:27 AM on November 30, 2014

Maybe J.J. Abrams has really done his homework on Star Wars technology. Maybe what he's telling us is that this Sith saber is made of one of these resistant materials.

It's Star Wars, you don't have to do your homework because you'll have two dozen fanon explanations and the first draft of an EU novel with a plot that revolves around explaining away your minor oversights by the end of the first week in theaters.
posted by jason_steakums at 8:29 AM on November 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Darth Vader actor David Prowse reveals he has dementia: 'I'd love to be in Star Wars 7 but would probably forget my lines'

I think he forgot that he doesn't have lines :(
posted by mazola at 9:16 AM on November 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Watching the teaser trailer with my son
posted by The Whelk at 9:20 AM on November 30, 2014

mazola: "Darth Vader actor David Prowse reveals he has dementia: 'I'd love to be in Star Wars 7 but would probably forget my lines'

I think he forgot that he doesn't have lines :("

He spoke Vader's lines while they shot the films. Then his dialogue was overdubbed with James Earl Jones' voice for the finished product.
posted by double block and bleed at 9:28 AM on November 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

(oh crossoverman had it first sorry)
posted by memebake at 10:09 AM on November 30, 2014

Eh, your mind's made up. So... MAGICAL SPACE WIZARDS!!!

No, it's just a topic I know something about, I find the assertion dubious, and I want some evidence.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 1:17 PM on November 30, 2014

Sith Lord in the woods looks like something out of Harry Potter. Woot! I loved the Harry Potter films.
posted by xtian at 1:41 PM on November 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Looks like we're still stuck with the teal-and-orange palette craze.

That's not exactly a new thing.
posted by Uncle Ira at 2:02 PM on November 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

J J Abrams is not above putting little fandom jokes into his movies (in his Star Trek, there's a Redshirt who skydives down to try and stop the beam-thing with the others, and you just know that his hastily introduced character is going to die first).

I've heard rumours there's going to be a bar/cantina type scene in the new movie, so here's my prediction: he'll put in a little encounter in which Han shoots first.
posted by memebake at 3:07 PM on November 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

The only way that wouldn't gag me is if Han immediately and with zero preamble draws and shoots someone as The Heroes enter the bar, and when he gets looks from everyone just gives the ol' Han shrug.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 7:07 PM on November 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

I think he forgot that he doesn't have lines :("

He spoke Vader's lines while they shot the films. Then his dialogue was overdubbed with James Earl Jones' voice for the finished product.

well there's also that thing where Vader is dead now...
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:27 PM on November 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Vader being dead didn't stop him from being brought back into the movie as a ghost. And the other two characters brought back as ghosts both had speaking lines (while dead or whatever).
posted by Flunkie at 7:53 PM on November 30, 2014

Vader being dead didn't stop him from being brought back into the movie as a ghost.

Why would they use David Prowse or James Earl Jones voice though? Both played Vader, which was the Sith version of Anakin. When Anakin's Force Ghost came back in the end of Return, it was Sebastian Shaw and he was dressed in Jedi Robes, not in the mechanical suit of Darth Vader. Which means even if he spoke, he wouldn't necessarily sound like James Earl Jones.

And since Shaw passed away some time ago, the only logical choice for the Force Ghost Anakin would be to use Hayden Christensen.
posted by FJT at 9:14 PM on November 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

maybe I was under-thinking it, but I expect Prowse just meant as a background character, not necessarily as Vader. It's not exactly like anyone's going to be saying "wait, that dude sitting at the other cantina table totally looks like Darth Vader"
posted by kagredon at 9:18 PM on November 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

the only logical choice for the Force Ghost Anakin would be to use Hayden Christensen.

Well, he's not exactly busy based in his IMDB, and I am sure the fans will love to see a not to films past.
Alternatively, they could cast Jake Lloyd. I'm sure he'd love to come out of retirement.

Or, maybe they could just use the CGI model and voice actor from Clone Wars.
posted by Mezentian at 12:55 AM on December 1, 2014

Mr. Plinkett Reacts to the Star Wars: The Force Awakens Trailer
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:14 AM on December 1, 2014

If you are wondering about that Kickstarter joke
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:22 AM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]

Wait... the Internets are in peril, because there's a black stormtrooper (maybe), (who isn't even Maori)! The end times are upon us.

As everyone and their womprat has pointed out, that shot in the teaser is too perfect a nod to Spaceballs to be unintentional. I think it's neat.

Neater still is if TFA or Rebels addresses why the Empire ditched the clones by the time of Rebels, and went instead for training up kids to be Stormtroopers.

(In part because it seemed Clone Wars was setting up some sort of clone rebellion, and I would dearly have loved to have seen that post Order 66.)
posted by Mezentian at 1:58 AM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

No, it's just a topic I know something about, I find the assertion dubious, and I want some evidence.

Yeah, sure, let's have a long protracted argument about swordfighting as a proxy about whether or not we like a fictional weapon used by aliens with psionic abilities in a far off fairy tale land. Let me get right on that.

[Re MA: I go to a different school with different teacher(s) and different sources of info. Surely it's quite conceivable that what I do is different and possibly unknown to you. I like what I do and it works for me. I don't practice for other people. Unless I'm teaching or working with others then their MA is their responsibility. In short, unfortunately for you, I have nothing to prove. By all means, consider yourself the winner here.]
posted by P.o.B. at 3:01 AM on December 1, 2014

You seem really invested in casting this as a lightsaber-measuring contest. I am sorry for making you uncomfortable by asking for evidence for a claim I've never heard before.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 6:44 AM on December 1, 2014

EmpressCallipygos: "And here I was coming in to suggest that Dune was the sci-fi film that y'all could unite against in your hatred because, seriously."

Wait, you think you're going to get Metafilter to unite *against* Dune? That's...not even wrong.
posted by Chrysostom at 6:53 AM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]

Yeah, sorry EmpressCallipygos, but the sleeper has AWAKENED!
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 8:37 AM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Okay, but is this, like, ironic "didja get a load of the pug bjorn lol" affection or serious fanhood here?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:06 AM on December 1, 2014

I love it, unironically. I'd quite like to see a version where the plot and exposition is cut out as much as possible, but it makes a lot more sense as a David Lynch film than as a science fiction film. Thirty years later and it's still beautiful.
posted by Grangousier at 9:48 AM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Although I always liked the the ironic recommendation that it's probably the only film you'll ever see where a bunch of guys in rubber suits ride a giant penis across the desert, although it's probably not by now. That's probably an entire genre these days.
posted by Grangousier at 9:50 AM on December 1, 2014

Okay, but is this, like, ironic "didja get a load of the pug bjorn lol" affection or serious fanhood here?

I don't like anything ironically. I love it at least in part because it's a beautiful disaster. It's hard to overestimate the influence of its production design, I think, although it's more like a music video than an actual feature film in terms of plot coherence.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 10:06 AM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Grangousier: "Although I always liked the the ironic recommendation that it's probably the only film you'll ever see where a bunch of guys in rubber suits ride a giant penis across the desert, although it's probably not by now. That's probably an entire genre these days."

also pages 347 through 62,812 on deviantart
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 10:09 AM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]

My take on the Dune film is, "deeply flawed but strangely compelling."
posted by Chrysostom at 11:07 AM on December 1, 2014 [4 favorites]

Well, huh.

I think with me, the thing was that I first saw DUNE right when I was entering puberty and Sting's pecs were pretty much my flavor of eye candy at that stage, so the rest of the film could have been stiflingly awful but I still would have loved it for that one scene alone. And then I re-watched it again a couple months ago for the first time, and I was too distracted by vicarious embarrassment for Patrick Stewart over some of his dialogue to really be able to keep watching.

But in retrospect, yeah, some of the art direction was impressive, and it was indeed definitely a sense of some very talented people reaching beyond their grasp, so yeah, "flawed but noteable" is a fair assessment.

And hey, look, it's bringing people around to agreement after all. Hee!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:04 PM on December 1, 2014

I just watched it again on Friday night with my girlfriend, and I was really struck by how Stage Actory both Stewart's and especially Brad Dourif's performances were.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 12:07 PM on December 1, 2014

Wait, Brad Dourif was in Dune???
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:08 PM on December 1, 2014

Previously
posted by kagredon at 12:10 PM on December 1, 2014

Brad Dourif was in Dune?

It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of sapho that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, the stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
posted by bonehead at 12:11 PM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Man gets Star Wars: The Force Awakens droid tattoo, prays droid doesn't turn out to be a Nazi
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:32 PM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]

A marginally different light-saber design
posted by nubs at 1:34 PM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]

EmpressCallipygos: "Wait, Brad Dourif was in Dune???"

EVERYONE was in Dune. Kyle Machlachlan! Linda Hunt! Sting! Brad Dourif! José Ferrer! Richard Jordan! Patrick Stewart! Jack Nance! Virginia Madsen! Jürgen Prochnow! Sean Young! Max von Sydow! Dean Stockwell!

Basically, it was the "Tributary to the Upper Amazon" sketch from MST3K brought to life.

Music by Brian Eno and Toto!
posted by Chrysostom at 2:10 PM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]

I just watched Johnny Mnemonic for the first time yesterday. Everyone was in that, too!
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 2:12 PM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Rolling Stone Nov. 28 article on the trailer didn't report on the real trailer but instead a fake trailer from YouTube.
posted by unliteral at 5:18 PM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]

EVERYONE was in Dune. Kyle Machlachlan! Linda Hunt! Sting! Brad Dourif! José Ferrer! Richard Jordan! Patrick Stewart! Jack Nance! Virginia Madsen! Jürgen Prochnow! Sean Young! Max von Sydow! Dean Stockwell!

Yeah, see, those people I knew about. Brad Dourif faded into the makeup.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:59 PM on December 1, 2014

s/makeup/eyebrows/
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:17 PM on December 1, 2014 [2 favorites]

Oh god, that ball droid tattoo. The ball droid might turn out to be this crop of film's Jar Jar Binks, and then he'll be sorry. And now I'm afraid to google "Jar Jar Binks tattoo"...
posted by Harald74 at 11:18 PM on December 1, 2014

But Jar Jar issa Bombad Jedi.

BOMBAD!
posted by Mezentian at 11:45 PM on December 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Everyone should a have a set of ball droids along with sensible leggings.
posted by clavdivs at 12:03 AM on December 2, 2014

I'm totally getting my niece a pair of ball droid earrings for Christmas.
Get on it, Lucasfilm.
posted by Mezentian at 1:33 AM on December 2, 2014

Rich Evans Star Wars: The Force Awakens Trailer Reaction
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:52 AM on December 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

Yeah, this Spaceballs remix was always going to happen.
posted by Mezentian at 5:15 AM on December 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

EVERYONE was in Dune. Kyle Machlachlan! Linda Hunt! Sting! Brad Dourif! José Ferrer! Richard Jordan! Patrick Stewart! Jack Nance! Virginia Madsen! Jürgen Prochnow! Sean Young! Max von Sydow! Dean Stockwell!

Alicia Witt!

Thanks to this thread, I watched Dune for the first time last night. I enjoyed the movie and appreciate the fact that I will be more conversant with the many Dune references that get dropped on MetaFilter from now on.

It also reminded me that I had a Dune coloring book when I was five. The 80s were a weird time to grow up in.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:22 AM on December 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

My girlfriend and I were just talking about weird 80s (though I think my memories are blurring into the 90s, too) inappropriate kid tie-ins, like the Aliens action figures. How timely!
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 9:37 AM on December 2, 2014

like the Aliens action figures.

It is rare that a thumbnail image is significantly smaller than an actual thumbnail.

As I understand it, the figures were never released in the 70s (and I would have been their perfect target market, so if they had been issued, I'd be astonished if they had evaded my notice). I can only imagine that someone somewhere at Kenner realized that trying to sell kid's toys based on a movie which was restricted those 18 and older was a less than maximally successful business plan. Nowadays, of course, the action figure purchaser is more likely than not to be over 18, so ReAction is making them available.

My recollection is that Kenner's sole stab at this at the time was an 18" tall xenomorph (a group is seen here at the water cooler catching up on Downton Abbey). I seem to recall that Kenner did produce at least a few large-size figures (12", maybe) which this thing could easily terrify. Hard to search for those, of course -- there area lot of oversized $400 figures available these days that were scanned from the little 3&3/4" ones and produced. The appeal of expensive goofily large reproductions of shoddy toys from my childhood escapes me.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:35 AM on December 2, 2014

Possibly I linked the wrong thing? I definitely remember commercials for Aliens action figures (I remember especially the "bull alien") and seeing them on the shelf when I was a kid in probably the late 80s, maybe early 90s. They were there...
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 10:43 AM on December 2, 2014

Since the thread has come around to discussing Alien I would like to remind people that Alien Isolation is in stores now for suitable PCs or gaming consolamatrons!

It's in the style of the original Alien, down to the retro-future green CRT computer displays, and it's really, really good.

the trailer implies that you get to shoot the alien but, no, you really don't. you don't want to shoot anything if you can avoid it. if you fire a gun, the alien will hear...
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 11:01 AM on December 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer set to be most popular of all-time after epic first week
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:00 PM on December 2, 2014

And if you have a 3-D printer you can get a jump on the action figure stampede.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:13 PM on December 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

Colbert weighs in on one of the more controversial aspects of the teaser.
posted by sparkletone at 2:54 PM on December 2, 2014

I was just going to post about the Colbert thing. I am pretty much where Colbert is after reading this thread for a few days.

you guys are such nerds

I love it
posted by littlesq at 8:38 PM on December 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

(I remember especially the "bull alien") and seeing them on the shelf when I was a kid in probably the late 80s, maybe early 90s. They were there...

My gut was that they were related to a toyline around Alien3 but...
The Bull Alien is the result of an alien finding a bull host. The Bull Alien is accompanied by his face hugger cohort. This figure may not be extremely poseable, but it is tough and play-ready.

Amazon seems to date it circa 1992, along with the Rhino Alien, Gorilla Alien and Scorpion Alien.

I guess the eggs hatched in a zoo?
posted by Mezentian at 11:42 PM on December 2, 2014

Wes Anderson Presents "Star Wars: Force Awakens" Trailer.
posted by mazola at 9:14 PM on December 7, 2014 [1 favorite]

George Lucas Hasn't Seen the New 'Star Wars' Trailer.
posted by mazola at 9:32 AM on December 8, 2014

Hate to read too much into it, but the trailer has been in some theaters and Lucas has his own big screen and access to several other big screens owned by major studios, so okay, I'm going to read way too much into that and also be encouraged by it.
posted by middleclasstool at 10:04 PM on December 8, 2014 [1 favorite]

Star War•s, a Star Wars/Wall•E mashup, made using the audio from the new Star Wars trailer, with footage from Wall•E.
posted by filthy light thief at 4:47 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

Some of the characters have names now.

And, of course, the accompanying Wookiepedia articles.

Finn^[2] was a Human male who lived approximately thirty years after the Battle of Endor.^[3] He wore stormtrooper armor in the desert of a planet. He was drenched in sweat while in the desert.^[1]

posted by sparklemotion at 2:17 PM on December 11, 2014 [6 favorites]

Pure speculation, he could have just poured some water on himself.
posted by Drinky Die at 5:20 PM on December 11, 2014 [6 favorites]

More speculation: he just came up from a swim in a small oasis wearing sunbleached Mandalorian armor
posted by P.o.B. at 6:09 PM on December 11, 2014 [4 favorites]

Finn[2] was a Human male who lived approximately thirty years after the Battle of Endor.[3] He wore stormtrooper armor in the desert of a planet. He was drenched in sweat while in the desert.[1]

I forgot which thread this was when I saw it in Recent Activity and thought it was some kind of Adventure Time fanfic headcannon thing.
posted by bleep at 6:49 PM on December 11, 2014 [4 favorites]

I'm glad it wasn't just me, bleep.
posted by NoraReed at 4:29 PM on December 12, 2014 [2 favorites]

Mark Hamill says the ball droid is a practical prop.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 1:17 AM on December 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

filthy light thief : a Star Wars/Wall•E mashup

I have no idea why, but that made me grin like an idiot. Whoever put that together has a really nice sense of shot choice to match up with the sound.
posted by quin at 10:39 AM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]