DO NOT ABUSE OR ENJOY THE BILL BELICHICK OFFSEASON SIMULATOR.

March 31, 2015 8:34 AM

BILL BELICHICK OFFSEASON SIMULATOR. "This must be emphasized from the outset: The Bill Belichick Offseason Simulator is a tool, and not a toy. It does not exist to amuse you. It is meant to train prospective football coaches in the art and science of managing the travails of the offseason. Any fun you may have, or amusement you may find, while piloting this simulator is purely accidental, and should be reported as a software bug." (From Jon Bois, in case it's not immediately apparent.)
posted by kmz (20 comments total)

This is amazing.
posted by kbanas at 8:54 AM on March 31, 2015

or, i suppose, you could shortcut this whole deal and just ask someone who has already beaten this game for the coordinates. that would certainly be consistent with the Bill Belichick system. in fact, yes, do that.

So... Ummm... what are the coordinates, guys? Don't make me videotape your practices.
posted by davros42 at 9:19 AM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm making progress in the playbook mines, expecting to achieve breakout sometime in 2019.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:27 AM on March 31, 2015

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at anything Belichick related.
posted by Joey Michaels at 9:30 AM on March 31, 2015

Tucson 18
14 across
13 down
posted by Poppa Bear at 9:36 AM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]

Roswell 68

9 Across
20 Down
posted by Earthtopus at 9:39 AM on March 31, 2015

I have utterly defeated football and received both the good endings. Well played, Jon Bois. Well played.
posted by majuju at 9:47 AM on March 31, 2015

Bremerton 17
2 Across
5 Down
posted by Bistle at 9:49 AM on March 31, 2015

Salina 18
11 across
1 down

Bessemer 34
4 across
15 down

But it's easier to just have Bo send you to your home planet, get sent to a "random" point in the game and move your smaller fleet into position. (Man does that sound like gibberish).
posted by lucasks at 9:57 AM on March 31, 2015

Bill Belichick fact: you bought a computer printer, had it print its pre-programmed test page, and framed it.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 10:25 AM on March 31, 2015 [1 favorite]

Also:
Junction City 28
3 Across
7 Down

Paducah 18
10 Across
14 Down
posted by everybody had matching towels at 10:27 AM on March 31, 2015

don't push the car into the river
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 10:40 AM on March 31, 2015

my understanding of "The Bill Belichick System" from this game:

• Don't give up
• never acquire talent from elsewhere when you can build it yourself
• NEVER admit that you're a wizard
• sacrifice of weaker assets is acceptable when world domination is on the line

posted by ArgentCorvid at 11:00 AM on March 31, 2015 [7 favorites]

Everything I dreamed of and more. Jon Bois is a national treasure.
posted by muddgirl at 11:11 AM on March 31, 2015 [2 favorites]

RANK ACHIEVED: POINDEXTER
posted by JHarris at 12:32 PM on March 31, 2015

I too have achieved POINDEXTER rank, and I have learned that the best song is 'Bluebeard' by Cocteau Twins (1993). My life will feel empty henceforth.
posted by languagehat at 12:58 PM on March 31, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'm pretty sure I may ACTUALLY live by the Bill Belichick system. Jon Bois has good taste in music.
posted by capricorn at 6:55 PM on March 31, 2015

THAT WAS GLORIOUS

I'LL SHOW YOU LOVE
I'LL SHOW YOU EVERYTHING
WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN
posted by zix at 8:00 PM on March 31, 2015

I ... think I won? I took over the universe after 2000 years in a hex navy battle? Is that winning?
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:56 PM on March 31, 2015 [2 favorites]

The Yeti's lair! And I didn't have a custard pie.
posted by Johnny Assay at 12:15 PM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]