Oh, are you brushing my cheeks now? Okay, that's fine.

August 21, 2015 8:33 AM

Monkey who looks like Van Pelt from Jumanji consents to be pampered.
posted by phunniemee (19 comments total)

this is the first ASMR video that worked for me
posted by mullacc at 8:40 AM on August 21, 2015

PSA: Don't ever keep primates as pets unless they're adult humans and into that sort of thing.
posted by BinaryApe at 8:42 AM on August 21, 2015 [12 favorites]

Please also enjoy this far less acceptable Monkey Putting On Makeup.

Do you want Planet of the Apes? Because this is how you get Planet of the Apes.
posted by phunniemee at 8:47 AM on August 21, 2015

Is this one of those things where we're going to find out later that the monkey is sedated or too scared to move or damaged from being taken away from its mother or something? What I'd like to think is that this person runs a monkey salon and the monkey made an appointment and came in all, "I know; It's been way too long! I should have been in months ago for an ear cleaning, but you would not believe how busy it's been."
posted by amarynth at 8:50 AM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

baby monkey baby monkey hunting the most dangerous game baby monkey
posted by poffin boffin at 8:51 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

A distinguished gentleman.
posted by Atom Eyes at 8:54 AM on August 21, 2015

Sorry, distinguished lady. (The whiskers threw me off.)
posted by Atom Eyes at 8:56 AM on August 21, 2015

PSA: Don't ever keep primates as pets unless they're adult humans and into that sort of thing.

posted by BinaryApe

Nope, you're definitely Homo sapiens.

(considers making an "animals came in two by two" joke, but it lacked byte)
posted by Devonian at 9:00 AM on August 21, 2015

People who think macaques make good pets are as baffling as people who think capuchins make good pets. That is a highly intelligent animal with large canines who really should be wandering around as part of a large, complex social group wreaking havoc in a forest or urban area somewhere, not having her cheeks combed in a bathtub. Looking at the descriptions on youtube, it looks like she has diabetes - because monkeys aren't made for the diet people generally feed them when they have them as pets. Fortunately, there are macaques in AZA-accredited zoos around the world doing relatively normal macaque things living much happier macaque lives! Go appreciate them and help fund wildlife conservation instead of giving attention to people who keep wild animals in their homes.
posted by ChuraChura at 9:02 AM on August 21, 2015 [8 favorites]

Devonian: It would have been a bit funny.
posted by BinaryApe at 9:04 AM on August 21, 2015

"I'm thinking about getting a pet monkey."
posted by phunniemee at 9:09 AM on August 21, 2015

This is unsettling and borderline abusive. Primates are not babydolls to be primped for one's amusement.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:25 AM on August 21, 2015

I would like to know what is in that drink. I think I might wants me some.
posted by srboisvert at 9:25 AM on August 21, 2015

Judging from the radio in the background, the poster is presumably in or near the Greater Cincinnati Area. Ohio and Kentucky both started restricting exotic pets fairly recently, the former due in no small part to this incident.

Nonhuman primates are prohibited in both states. I don't know what the exact situation is in this case; there are a few ways that could be a legal monkey, like if it predates the legislation (which is very likely) and they've jumped through all the right hoops to keep it. Still, though...
posted by Sys Rq at 9:27 AM on August 21, 2015

You can happily brush a cat just like in the video and not have to deal with creepy pink little monkey hands feverishly masturbating all day.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:37 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

I used to wake up in the morning to a huge macaque, matriarch of the local gang, sitting on the air-conditioning unit that protruded from the wall just beneath my bedroom window and banging on the bars for all she was worth. It only seemed to amuse her when I'd rush from the bed at her yelling and screaming in an effort to get her to shut up and go away.

I'd much rather have one more annoying as shit morning monkey out there raising hell in the a.m than one kept as a pet.
posted by dazed_one at 10:18 AM on August 21, 2015

Yeah, you don't have to do much to keep your exotic pets in Ohio. It really should be criminal.
posted by ChuraChura at 10:26 AM on August 21, 2015

Primates are not babydolls to be primped for one's amusement.

I'm not a primatologist (or any sort of biologist), but grooming is a social behavior among primates, so this type of activity might actually be beneficial if you're committed to keeping a monkey in your home and out of their natural social environment. I'll defer to the expert Mefites on that question.
posted by Existential Dread at 10:52 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

In Their Own Words: The Sad Story of Pet Primates and Their Owners
posted by ChuraChura at 11:05 AM on August 26, 2015 [2 favorites]