The locally-sourced seaweed bruschetta pairs well with a Double IPA
September 2, 2015 10:44 AM Subscribe
Have you recently purchased a bar in Brooklyn, but are completely bereft of original ideas? Firstly, congratulations on joining the thriving Brooklyn bar scene! Secondly, relax! You can use this handy tool to generate a name and menu for your fine establishment – absolutely no imagination neccessary!
sunflower 17
Distressingly accurate
posted by The Whelk at 10:45 AM on September 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
Distressingly accurate
posted by The Whelk at 10:45 AM on September 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
A brewery opened here with and had utterly cryptic menus. Just lists of words with no articles, conjunctions or adjectives.
That lasted about 3 weeks. I think the servers got sick of having to explain every single item on the menu.
posted by Ferreous at 10:49 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
That lasted about 3 weeks. I think the servers got sick of having to explain every single item on the menu.
posted by Ferreous at 10:49 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
"rustic eggplant platter with seasonal fennel surprise"
Um... I'll pass?
posted by 256 at 10:49 AM on September 2, 2015
Um... I'll pass?
posted by 256 at 10:49 AM on September 2, 2015
Now I'm craving tormented booze tacos with clam jam.
posted by sunset in snow country at 10:52 AM on September 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by sunset in snow country at 10:52 AM on September 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
As long as the sales rep is paying for the meal, sure, I'll go. Bring on the massaged butter frittata!
posted by clawsoon at 10:52 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by clawsoon at 10:52 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
(Also this reminds me a little of this)
posted by sunset in snow country at 10:52 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by sunset in snow country at 10:52 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
sunflower 17
But I got:
rustic sunflower 11
So careless. Clearly rustic sunflower should be at least 1.5x the price of regular sunflower.
posted by ssg at 10:52 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
But I got:
rustic sunflower 11
So careless. Clearly rustic sunflower should be at least 1.5x the price of regular sunflower.
posted by ssg at 10:52 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
"salt reduction" would just be, like...thick salt water, right?
posted by dismas at 10:53 AM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by dismas at 10:53 AM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
SEA-SALT GRAVLAX SLIDERS 18
can of salmon, couple ritz crackers, sprinkle some Morton salt on that shit. $18 Sorted.
posted by Chrischris at 10:54 AM on September 2, 2015 [8 favorites]
can of salmon, couple ritz crackers, sprinkle some Morton salt on that shit. $18 Sorted.
posted by Chrischris at 10:54 AM on September 2, 2015 [8 favorites]
Mmmm, artisanal lime disks with tormented acorns and expanded bone marrow? Delicious.
posted by Panjandrum at 10:55 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Panjandrum at 10:55 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
locally-sourced water skewers & sungold 17
this is so good, i'm so angry about this nonexistent item
posted by poffin boffin at 10:55 AM on September 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
this is so good, i'm so angry about this nonexistent item
posted by poffin boffin at 10:55 AM on September 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
BOOZE SURPRISE 9
Would order.
AWAKENED WATER PIE 10
Would definitely order, seems vaguely eldrich.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 10:57 AM on September 2, 2015 [22 favorites]
Would order.
AWAKENED WATER PIE 10
Would definitely order, seems vaguely eldrich.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 10:57 AM on September 2, 2015 [22 favorites]
They had me at: sublimated clam 12
posted by Captain_Science at 10:57 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Captain_Science at 10:57 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
needs more sea beans though.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:57 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 10:57 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would go to all of these places. Because I'm absolutely the worst.
posted by naju at 10:57 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by naju at 10:57 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
FRIGHTENED BUTTER JAM 17
And they laughed at me for screaming into the fridge.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:59 AM on September 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
And they laughed at me for screaming into the fridge.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:59 AM on September 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
"Rice & bison" is fun to say repeatedly.
posted by uosuaq at 11:00 AM on September 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by uosuaq at 11:00 AM on September 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
tormented gravlax
cool got a name for my trve kvlt black metal band
posted by griphus at 11:00 AM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
cool got a name for my trve kvlt black metal band
posted by griphus at 11:00 AM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also related (standard warning: Carles) - The Contemporary Conformist
posted by naju at 11:02 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by naju at 11:02 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
arugula salad 8
I broke it
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:02 AM on September 2, 2015 [19 favorites]
I broke it
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:02 AM on September 2, 2015 [19 favorites]
NAIIVE (sic) RICE PLATTER
Because those jaded, cynical rice platters can go fuck themselves
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 11:02 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Because those jaded, cynical rice platters can go fuck themselves
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 11:02 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
some of these do verge on Apple Cabin Foods territory
posted by dismas at 11:03 AM on September 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by dismas at 11:03 AM on September 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
Around here, bars are required to sell food. You can't just sell booze. So one of the best bars in this town - and no, not telling - has one of the best beer selections I've seen anywhere and a menu that consists entirely of:
Frozen Lean Cuisine Dinner - 40
I asked the owner if she'd heat it up, which earned me this magnificent, imperially dead-eyed fuck-you look before she said "...maybe."
It's one of my favorite places.
posted by mhoye at 11:05 AM on September 2, 2015 [39 favorites]
Frozen Lean Cuisine Dinner - 40
I asked the owner if she'd heat it up, which earned me this magnificent, imperially dead-eyed fuck-you look before she said "...maybe."
It's one of my favorite places.
posted by mhoye at 11:05 AM on September 2, 2015 [39 favorites]
BOOZE 14
Pretty sure this is a real menu. Actually that might be the happy hour price.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:06 AM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Pretty sure this is a real menu. Actually that might be the happy hour price.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:06 AM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Frightened water, 10 pairs nicely with Booze, 14
perhaps they even include Acorn, 10 and call it a "Less is More"
posted by a halcyon day at 11:06 AM on September 2, 2015
perhaps they even include Acorn, 10 and call it a "Less is More"
posted by a halcyon day at 11:06 AM on September 2, 2015
fig sliders with farfalle waffle 14
ngl i would eat this and clamor for more
posted by poffin boffin at 11:09 AM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
ngl i would eat this and clamor for more
posted by poffin boffin at 11:09 AM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yeah this was funny at first but now I'm just getting ideas
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:12 AM on September 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:12 AM on September 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
HUNGRY ideas
posted by poffin boffin at 11:13 AM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:13 AM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
It is a symptom of illness. Surfeit so outrageous as to defy language. Look, it is a nest of desperate baby birds, waiting for Gullet Ground Mullet.
posted by Oyéah at 11:14 AM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 11:14 AM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also related: Men under increasing pressure to have a craft ale brewery
posted by effbot at 11:16 AM on September 2, 2015
posted by effbot at 11:16 AM on September 2, 2015
Around here, bars are required to sell food. You can't just sell booze. So one of the best bars in this town - and no, not telling - has one of the best beer selections I've seen anywhere and a menu that consists entirely of:
Frozen Lean Cuisine Dinner - 40
Your attempt to obscure the identity of said establishment will no doubt be undone by some Yelper who will post something like "When boyfriend and I walked in, we were amazed by their beer selection. But I am giving it no stars because the only thing on the menu was Lean Cuisine!"
Back to the generator.
I now have:
TORMENTED SALT TOSS WITH SCRAPED RAMP BOMBS & WINTER SARDINE
and
FINGERLING RICE FRITTATA, which sounds a little racy.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:17 AM on September 2, 2015
Frozen Lean Cuisine Dinner - 40
Your attempt to obscure the identity of said establishment will no doubt be undone by some Yelper who will post something like "When boyfriend and I walked in, we were amazed by their beer selection. But I am giving it no stars because the only thing on the menu was Lean Cuisine!"
Back to the generator.
I now have:
TORMENTED SALT TOSS WITH SCRAPED RAMP BOMBS & WINTER SARDINE
and
FINGERLING RICE FRITTATA, which sounds a little racy.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:17 AM on September 2, 2015
i got rubbed clam and was scandalized
posted by poffin boffin at 11:19 AM on September 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:19 AM on September 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
I assume they're only generating food menus because the drink menu is already standardized.
posted by Mayor West at 11:21 AM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Mayor West at 11:21 AM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
distressed monkfish 9
Cheap for seafood.
But monkfish always look kind of panicked anyway, so...
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:25 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Cheap for seafood.
But monkfish always look kind of panicked anyway, so...
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:25 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Expanded Ham Bun... oh my.no.
posted by Laura in Canada at 11:26 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Laura in Canada at 11:26 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh, wait. This should relax the monkfish:
Dessert kind of went off the rails on this one, though:
kale with massaged monkfish 16It all evens out in the end.
Dessert kind of went off the rails on this one, though:
expanded clam crumble 14posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:29 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
For the "less is more" file, I got:
rice 11
corn 9
For that all-important ascetic anti-paleo market, I suppose.
posted by traveler_ at 11:29 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
rice 11
corn 9
For that all-important ascetic anti-paleo market, I suppose.
posted by traveler_ at 11:29 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Sublimated salt"
Watch out, the plate is hot.
posted by Kabanos at 11:30 AM on September 2, 2015 [11 favorites]
Watch out, the plate is hot.
posted by Kabanos at 11:30 AM on September 2, 2015 [11 favorites]
Oh, even less, for more:
pepper 16
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:31 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
pepper 16
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:31 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Awakened Bison - makes the meal a little more daring.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 11:39 AM on September 2, 2015
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 11:39 AM on September 2, 2015
water & folk booze 10
However, the listings for acorn bruschetta and beer-braised peach are giving me ideas.
hand-pulled bison & sublimated ramp 9
.... what part of the bison did they pull?
posted by anastasiav at 11:42 AM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
However, the listings for acorn bruschetta and beer-braised peach are giving me ideas.
hand-pulled bison & sublimated ramp 9
.... what part of the bison did they pull?
posted by anastasiav at 11:42 AM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
COUNTRY BOOZE BOWL, RYE PATE & FIG PANINI 16
Would order, I think.
SPICY ACORN JAM 15
That one sounds vaguely plausible.
posted by dnash at 11:47 AM on September 2, 2015
Would order, I think.
SPICY ACORN JAM 15
That one sounds vaguely plausible.
posted by dnash at 11:47 AM on September 2, 2015
Artichoke Pâté with Free-Range Marrow - 12
Lime & Pork Belly - 10
Yes, please.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:51 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Lime & Pork Belly - 10
Yes, please.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:51 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
FREE-RANGE WATER 17
Highly recommended to accompany your
SALT TARTARE 10
posted by beagle at 11:51 AM on September 2, 2015
Highly recommended to accompany your
SALT TARTARE 10
posted by beagle at 11:51 AM on September 2, 2015
What the heck is ACTIVATED WATERMELON? And why does it frighten me?
posted by blue_beetle at 12:01 PM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by blue_beetle at 12:01 PM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Salt 15
Good thing I have a groupon!!
posted by oceanjesse at 12:07 PM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Good thing I have a groupon!!
posted by oceanjesse at 12:07 PM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
If their bar names aren't quite right for you, here's another option.
posted by epersonae at 12:28 PM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by epersonae at 12:28 PM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
What used to be a half-hour's drive from Portland where the main and now perpetually congested road passes through wine country, there is a small town which had exactly one farm-to-fork restaurant. Because it was the only one and because it catered exclusively to retirees who discovered it while touring the wine country in their Cadillac Escalades by virtue of the fact that it sat on this main road and had an artfully rustic sign facing it, they were able to simply call it "Farm To Fork". I always found it amusing, as if you opened a fern bar in 1980s London or Manhattan and called it "Fern Bar", or a Brooklyn eatery called "Urban Design Vibe Cafe." Or something, and that's the problem: it's not "over" until there's a term for it. So can we agree on one?
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:34 PM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:34 PM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
HAM TOSS 15
SPICY WATER SURPRISE 18
"it's soup, asshole!"
posted by boo_radley at 12:40 PM on September 2, 2015 [13 favorites]
SPICY WATER SURPRISE 18
"it's soup, asshole!"
posted by boo_radley at 12:40 PM on September 2, 2015 [13 favorites]
sea-salt pepper 11
That seems like a steal given the individual salt and pepper options above.
posted by bonje at 12:51 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
That seems like a steal given the individual salt and pepper options above.
posted by bonje at 12:51 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Now I'm hungry for HAND-PULLED PEACH TOSS (only $11!)
posted by Johnny Assay at 12:53 PM on September 2, 2015
posted by Johnny Assay at 12:53 PM on September 2, 2015
Please tell me Amy Sedaris is behind this. These are all dishes straight out of her cookbook I Like You.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 12:54 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by a lungful of dragon at 12:54 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Shared with my Brooklyn-based nephew.
posted by Mental Wimp at 12:58 PM on September 2, 2015
posted by Mental Wimp at 12:58 PM on September 2, 2015
homemade farfalle skewers, rice & frightened ramp croquettes 14
activated fig balls & clam 17
I think I've really eaten the watermelon bruschetta, somewhere, but it wasn't 13 bucks.
posted by answergrape at 1:00 PM on September 2, 2015
activated fig balls & clam 17
I think I've really eaten the watermelon bruschetta, somewhere, but it wasn't 13 bucks.
posted by answergrape at 1:00 PM on September 2, 2015
On the West Coast it's exactly the same except the food is 3D printed to a spec you upload to their mobile site from a wearable you keep on a chain strung between your genital piercing and your ear gauge.
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:00 PM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:00 PM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
activated fig balls ohhh myyyyyyyyy /George Takei voice
posted by supermedusa at 1:03 PM on September 2, 2015
posted by supermedusa at 1:03 PM on September 2, 2015
turned water bowl 11
At that price they damned well better turn it at my table.
posted by tommasz at 1:15 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
At that price they damned well better turn it at my table.
posted by tommasz at 1:15 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
tormented booze tacos with clam jam.
If you see any clam jam near your tormented booze taco, contact your gynecologist as soon as possible.
posted by Kibbutz at 1:24 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you see any clam jam near your tormented booze taco, contact your gynecologist as soon as possible.
posted by Kibbutz at 1:24 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I want to open a place that's just like these but cleverly inverted such that you wait inside at a tall narrow table until they call your name when your spot standing outside on the sidewalk is ready.
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:28 PM on September 2, 2015
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:28 PM on September 2, 2015
"salt with beer-braised booze" that's not really an entree, just kind of my lifestyle
posted by burgerrr at 1:34 PM on September 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by burgerrr at 1:34 PM on September 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
Hmm. I was just revisiting Posh Nosh yesterday...
posted by fredludd at 1:42 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by fredludd at 1:42 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Meanwhile, in the real world of hipster food and drink...
The Hottest Bar in Philly Is on Top of a Shuttered Public School
posted by neroli at 2:10 PM on September 2, 2015
The Hottest Bar in Philly Is on Top of a Shuttered Public School
posted by neroli at 2:10 PM on September 2, 2015
I'd wager there are more places in Brooklyn like this than Portland. Most of the "high end" bars in Portland that have food that is typically "poor people" food and their names aren't that ridiculous. For example, North Light, from the owners of Night Light on Clinton, have roasted pork belly w/ pickled green tomatoes, grilled toast, and peach jam for $9. An entree is Mustard Brined Pork Chop,
Cornbread, Baby Kale, Pickled Stone Fruit for $19. This is only one place, and the sister bar is much cheaper. Maybe it's because my friends and I don't eat at fancy bars though and I'm missing that stuff, but it doesn't really come off like Portland has many higher end bars like LA, Brooklyn, SF or Seattle do.
Best bar in Portland to get a great beer and some great food? Bailey's Tap Room off of Burnside, right next to Mary's Strip Club, but go to Santeria directly across the alley to buy an awesome burrito or some tacos and they'll bring your order to the bar for you. 25 taps of craft beers from around the nation and for not such a bad price ($4.50 for some 20oz pours).
posted by gucci mane at 3:31 PM on September 2, 2015
Cornbread, Baby Kale, Pickled Stone Fruit for $19. This is only one place, and the sister bar is much cheaper. Maybe it's because my friends and I don't eat at fancy bars though and I'm missing that stuff, but it doesn't really come off like Portland has many higher end bars like LA, Brooklyn, SF or Seattle do.
Best bar in Portland to get a great beer and some great food? Bailey's Tap Room off of Burnside, right next to Mary's Strip Club, but go to Santeria directly across the alley to buy an awesome burrito or some tacos and they'll bring your order to the bar for you. 25 taps of craft beers from around the nation and for not such a bad price ($4.50 for some 20oz pours).
posted by gucci mane at 3:31 PM on September 2, 2015
Brooklyns hottest bar is KEVIN??
it has everything... activated ham, beer braised gin, hand pulled ice and awakened human gravlax
posted by boo_radley at 4:05 PM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
it has everything... activated ham, beer braised gin, hand pulled ice and awakened human gravlax
posted by boo_radley at 4:05 PM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
from a Santa Cruz County gastropub
Melted Leek Risotto
Chicken Liver Mousse On Toast
Dusty Trail Rooster-Stuffed Dumplings
Blistered Summer Peppers
How does one melt an allium?
posted by morganw at 6:59 PM on September 2, 2015
Melted Leek Risotto
Chicken Liver Mousse On Toast
Dusty Trail Rooster-Stuffed Dumplings
Blistered Summer Peppers
How does one melt an allium?
posted by morganw at 6:59 PM on September 2, 2015
> i got rubbed clam and was scandalized
"massaged chorizo", here. I think they'd go well together.
Although my favourite so far is "homespun lamb".
posted by nickzoic at 8:45 PM on September 2, 2015
"massaged chorizo", here. I think they'd go well together.
Although my favourite so far is "homespun lamb".
posted by nickzoic at 8:45 PM on September 2, 2015
I demand a heaping plate of scraped water with invigorated peach NOW!
posted by h00py at 11:04 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by h00py at 11:04 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
How does one melt an allium?
'Melting,' especially with leeks, usually means to cook very, very slowly in quite a lot of butter.
As to the FPP... I am in pain from giggling so hard. And yet every so often I've been like "hey that actually sounds like it could be good..."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:30 AM on September 3, 2015
'Melting,' especially with leeks, usually means to cook very, very slowly in quite a lot of butter.
As to the FPP... I am in pain from giggling so hard. And yet every so often I've been like "hey that actually sounds like it could be good..."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:30 AM on September 3, 2015
sea-salt farfalle with massaged booze 17
farfalle pasta (bow-tie pasta) can look like little hands, so if you drench the pasta in some kind of liquor reduction, this plate sounds entirely feasible to this alcoholic.
posted by numaner at 5:34 AM on September 3, 2015
farfalle pasta (bow-tie pasta) can look like little hands, so if you drench the pasta in some kind of liquor reduction, this plate sounds entirely feasible to this alcoholic.
posted by numaner at 5:34 AM on September 3, 2015
If their bar names aren't quite right for you, here's another option.
The day after this was posted I was up in the Kenton neighborhood (which "popped" a couple of years ago, in realtor's revolting jargon; i.e. became the latest hot place for gentrification and rising real estate prices) and in the space of one block I spotted three businesses that literally, without a hint of exaggeration, could have been generated with this: The business names were "[This] & [That]", in antiquarian lettering and a faux-masonic logo with crossed something or other and little sigils in the quadrants thus formed.
It was fucking surreal.
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:32 PM on September 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
The day after this was posted I was up in the Kenton neighborhood (which "popped" a couple of years ago, in realtor's revolting jargon; i.e. became the latest hot place for gentrification and rising real estate prices) and in the space of one block I spotted three businesses that literally, without a hint of exaggeration, could have been generated with this: The business names were "[This] & [That]", in antiquarian lettering and a faux-masonic logo with crossed something or other and little sigils in the quadrants thus formed.
It was fucking surreal.
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:32 PM on September 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
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