Bae of Pigs
September 20, 2015 5:49 PM Subscribe

Sources can be tricky things. The Daily Mail doesn't have the greatest reputation. Lord Ashcroft is a Tory billionaire with a grudge against David Cameron. And so far they are the only sources for this one. That said, judge for yourself:

Prime Minister David Cameron ‘put a private part of his anatomy’ into a dead pig’s mouth .

(Over on Twitter, as you might have guessed, it's Christmas.)
posted by bonaldi (376 comments total) 62 users marked this as a favorite

Post title of the year
posted by blue t-shirt at 5:51 PM on September 20, 2015 [102 favorites]

Bless you for this title.
posted by bgal81 at 5:51 PM on September 20, 2015 [14 favorites]

Black Mirror viral marketing?
posted by Solon and Thanks at 5:55 PM on September 20, 2015 [77 favorites]

Man, Cameron is in a bad position. He can't ignore it and he can't deny it without feeding the flames of the story. I do think he needs to remember what they say about wrestling with pigs though.
posted by TwoWordReview at 5:55 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

what an amazing set of tags, what a world
posted by yasaman at 5:55 PM on September 20, 2015 [22 favorites]

Man, Cameron is in a bad position.

He's been in worse, evidently.
posted by brundlefly at 5:56 PM on September 20, 2015 [67 favorites]

Charlie Brooker is a god damn prophet.
posted by chimaera at 5:57 PM on September 20, 2015 [38 favorites]

Is this life imitating art or art imitating life? Because either the Black Mirror folks had this, whether it's true or not, years before the Mail, or they are far less creative than I thought.
posted by zachlipton at 5:57 PM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]

As a rule, I don't trust anyone with a title of peerage that isn't a dog, cat, or penguin.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 5:57 PM on September 20, 2015 [14 favorites]

I guess we know why Kermit and Miss Piggy called it quits.
posted by bgal81 at 5:58 PM on September 20, 2015 [19 favorites]

gives "toad in a hole" a brand new meaning
posted by pyramid termite at 5:59 PM on September 20, 2015 [12 favorites]

Treyf, surely.
posted by thomas j wise at 6:00 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

A medal for the photo editor there.
posted by Artw at 6:02 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

Further evidence for my theory that the initiation "ceremonies" for many if not most fraternities, college secret societies, eating clubs or whatever the fuck you want to call them are all about ensuring the loyalty and willingness to aid other members of the initiate by gathering potential future blackmail material.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:03 PM on September 20, 2015 [70 favorites]

Louise Mensch already out there saying 'probably untrue, but if true so what, BOYS WILL BE BOYS.'

Maybe Eton/Oxford boys will.
posted by taterpie at 6:04 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

I started typing a "oh come now, who amongst us hasn't-" comment and started cackling so hard I almost perished with an entire chicken tendy in my windpipe

THANKS CAMERON
posted by poffin boffin at 6:04 PM on September 20, 2015 [33 favorites]

This Wednesday's PMQ is going to be AMAZING.
posted by taterpie at 6:05 PM on September 20, 2015 [19 favorites]

I believe the title came from a retweet of jscalzi:

https://twitter.com/scalzi/status/645755627877306369
posted by sideshow at 6:07 PM on September 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

not as amazing as this friday's BBQ
posted by pyramid termite at 6:07 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

Can someone help me out with the punchline? I'm just too uninformed to get the 'bae' bit...
posted by not_that_epiphanius at 6:11 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

Is this life imitating art or art imitating life? Because either the Black Mirror folks had this, whether it's true or not, years before the Mail, or they are far less creative than I thought.

Charlie Brooker says its a coincidence.
posted by Pink Frost at 6:12 PM on September 20, 2015 [7 favorites]

I find the word bae to be really annoying for some reason (I'm generally "whatever" when it comes to new words like that), but I am glad that it exists for the sake of that wonderful post title,
posted by brundlefly at 6:13 PM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]

Can someone help me out with the punchline? I'm just too uninformed to get the 'bae' bit...

Something to do with British Aerospace presumably.
posted by dng at 6:14 PM on September 20, 2015 [16 favorites]

The British arse space of pigs.
posted by dng at 6:14 PM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]

Missing the tag "hameron"
posted by murphy slaw at 6:15 PM on September 20, 2015 [19 favorites]

and also PORCINEFELLATIO
posted by poffin boffin at 6:16 PM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]

i am with child to see how the pork marketing board handles this
posted by poffin boffin at 6:18 PM on September 20, 2015 [13 favorites]

four legs good, two legs bad, three legs WTF???
posted by pyramid termite at 6:19 PM on September 20, 2015 [8 favorites]

My favourite - "It was at this exact moment Ed Miliband was told where the bacon had come from"
posted by Flitcraft at 6:20 PM on September 20, 2015 [15 favorites]

Me from 2013...

(I think Black Mirror had just hit the UK)
posted by Artw at 6:20 PM on September 20, 2015 [9 favorites]

This is how Cameron got the idea for the Pig Society.
posted by motty at 6:20 PM on September 20, 2015

I laughed insanely hard about this. Then I realized that I had more of a sense of the fictional PM's wife on Black Mirror as a living, suffering person than I did of Samantha Cameron. I have no idea about her at all, really; I just looked up her name. Alas, I am one of the faceless social-media mob. Somewhere, a conceptual artist has hanged himself because I am a bad person. Phones, but too much.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:21 PM on September 20, 2015 [10 favorites]

in order to close this unacceptable bestial proliferation gap Obama is going to have to french kiss a turkey now
posted by poffin boffin at 6:22 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

        \   ,'|`-.   /
         \,' _|_  ','
         /'.' | `,' \
     -._/_/_S.O,ME\__\_,-
        | | ,-*." |  |
     ___|,+' PI\G.|  |
        \  \/ | \/`. |___
         \ /`.|,'\  /
          Y.  |   \/
          | `.|_,'
          |
          |
       __ |
       __\|,-
       ,-`=--.       
        /=8\

posted by cortex at 6:22 PM on September 20, 2015 [185 favorites]

Oh my god, he's also a literal pigfucker.
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:22 PM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]

bae means "your sweetie".

Bay of pigs was that pretty famous failed invasion that JFK led, that led to world staring down the abyss of nuclear war with russia over Cuba a year or so later.

So yeah, "sweetie of pigs", alluding to bay of pigs. Pretty damn good title, really.
posted by Annika Cicada at 6:23 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

Oh good lord, cortex, that looks like a target.
posted by maudlin at 6:24 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

i feel quite certain that putin has already had carnal knowledge of at least one bear
posted by poffin boffin at 6:24 PM on September 20, 2015 [18 favorites]

My favorite tweet so far:

MAIL: We're printing proof Cameron took drugs
TORY HQ: Shit, no. Can't you distract them somehow?
BALDRICK: I have a cunning plan, m'lord.
-- @AllyFogg
posted by wintersweet at 6:24 PM on September 20, 2015 [119 favorites]

At this moment in time, Obama, having been briefed, is feeling an odd sense of relief that (crazy, terrible) people think he's Muslim.
posted by taterpie at 6:25 PM on September 20, 2015 [14 favorites]

Could we take just a second from all the one-liners to consider that being pressured into a sex act constitutes harassment and/or assault? I'm no fan of David Cameron, but this story is a great example of how rape culture harms men and boys. I fail to see the humor in that.
posted by zebra at 6:25 PM on September 20, 2015 [47 favorites]

LBJ would be proud.
posted by dirigibleman at 6:25 PM on September 20, 2015 [8 favorites]

there was a PM called Cameron
who just had to get his hamer on
it leaked to the press
and turned into a mess
and now it's gotterhammerung
posted by pyramid termite at 6:29 PM on September 20, 2015 [7 favorites]

Honestly I do not believe this, given the sources. It should play out interestingly though.
posted by solarion at 6:30 PM on September 20, 2015

I mean, who hasn't, in a drunken moment of youthful, high-spirited debauch, temporarily rested their penis-tube and ball-gonads within the inside of the inviting, rigor-mortised mouth of a dead non-human animal that, were it still alive, would be possessed of greater intelligence, higher class, and more compassion than you or your contemporaries?
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:31 PM on September 20, 2015 [11 favorites]

this story is a great example of how rape culture harms men and boys

And pigs, don't forget pigs
posted by RogerB at 6:32 PM on September 20, 2015 [20 favorites]

I imagine this is like Bill Clinton and the joint he didn't inhale, we'll all talk about this a bunch now and there will be jokes on late night talk shows but then in 13 years someone in a primary debate will just offhandedly be like 'Yeah I fucked a couple swans in high school'
posted by shakespeherian at 6:33 PM on September 20, 2015 [74 favorites]

"Killed a swan yesterday. Did a shit on it. Right on it."
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:34 PM on September 20, 2015 [8 favorites]

I imagine this is like Bill Clinton and the joint he didn't inhale

i'm certain the pig didn't inhale the joint, either
posted by pyramid termite at 6:34 PM on September 20, 2015 [7 favorites]

That would be serious. Swans are the property of the Crown.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:35 PM on September 20, 2015 [10 favorites]

Good Lord, in my day, we stuck to goats.
posted by clavdivs at 6:35 PM on September 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

Look you got a dead pig and a penis, you work with what you have
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 6:37 PM on September 20, 2015 [7 favorites]

What’s the “debauched Oxford society that specialises in ‘bizarre rituals and sexual excess’” mentioned in the article? (Not the Oxford Revue, I assume.)
posted by Going To Maine at 6:37 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

What the...
The tories are having a coup? This Ashcroft chap has decided since the party's bought and paid for (by him) he'll do a bit of king unmaking?
From the Corbyn hate-on to this. Politics, why you so weird?
posted by glasseyes at 6:38 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

i feel quite certain that putin has already had carnal knowledge of at least one bear

Merely following in George Washington's footsteps, there.

I doubt Putin has, like, 30 goddamn dicks, though.
posted by asterix at 6:39 PM on September 20, 2015 [14 favorites]

What’s the “debauched Oxford society that specialises in ‘bizarre rituals and sexual excess’” mentioned in the article?

The Bullingdon Club.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 6:39 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

The seemingly informed speculation I've seen is pointing to the Piers Gaveston Society.
posted by RogerB at 6:41 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

Charlie Brooker says its a coincidence.

I will never believe that in a million years. He probably just doesn't want to have to say how he found out about it.
posted by fuse theorem at 6:44 PM on September 20, 2015 [9 favorites]

'Yeah I fucked a couple swans in high school'

Leda 2016.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:45 PM on September 20, 2015 [15 favorites]

So, if I'm getting this right, the unbelievable part of the Black Mirror premier was the level of enthusiasm of the PM?
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 6:48 PM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]

I've already seen some comments defending him that it's not bad because the pig was dead and cooked. If Jason Biggs is the "guy that fucked a pie on a movie", Cameron should go down in history as "the roasted pigfucker".
posted by lmfsilva at 6:50 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

i feel quite certain that putin has already had carnal knowledge of at least one bear

Not to mention the moose and the crocodile.

But who's counting . . .
posted by flug at 6:54 PM on September 20, 2015

From the Buzzfeed Twitter round-up:

David Cameron: "I wish I could just do one thing that would unite all sides of the political spectrum" *finger on monkeys paw curls*
posted by tickingclock at 6:56 PM on September 20, 2015 [83 favorites]

Damage control: "Well, in fact I have always felt shy about my index finger."
posted by sylvanshine at 6:58 PM on September 20, 2015

So, for a newspaper that endorsed Hitler and Mosley, apparently the line they will not cross is "once fucked a roast pig."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:01 PM on September 20, 2015 [15 favorites]

"My austerity plan severely damaged the British economy, but do they call me David Cameron the Economy-Ruiner? No! But you fuck one pig..."
posted by rifflesby at 7:02 PM on September 20, 2015 [96 favorites]

Well if it was roasted it was technically food

So what I'm saying is down with kink-shaming people
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:07 PM on September 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

Austere was he not if he did.
posted by y2karl at 7:08 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

Bullingdon Club: off topic, but isn't the young heir in "Barry Lyndon" Lord Bullingdon?
posted by hwestiii at 7:08 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy went to Oxford
And got fucked in the mouth
By the future prime minister
posted by Nelson at 7:18 PM on September 20, 2015 [31 favorites]

But that likely means everybody in that elite club fucked a pig, right? They're all pigfuckers, and things make much more sense now.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:21 PM on September 20, 2015 [14 favorites]

So what I'm saying is down with kink-shaming people

You ought to see how Steve Bell treats George Osborne!
posted by Nevin at 7:21 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

Miss Piggy is alive and well, thank you very much.
posted by allthinky at 7:22 PM on September 20, 2015

Oh yeah, ooohhh, piggy fellated the star
posted by a lungful of dragon at 7:24 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

I fail to see the humor in that.

It's funny because David Cameron is a horrible human being.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 7:27 PM on September 20, 2015 [38 favorites]

Could be worse, it could have been a live mule.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 7:32 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

I don't see what the problem is with this. I mean, there's no way in hell you'd put your dick in the mouth of a live pig.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:36 PM on September 20, 2015 [9 favorites]

You know what they say about political debauchery. Don't get caught in bed with a dead girl, a live boy, or with your dick in a pig's mouth.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:38 PM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]

I fail to see the humor in that.

It's funny because David Cameron is a horrible human being.

Also a horrible human being who has been busy propagating the most spurious bullshit imaginable about others lately, so even if the story is a total bust it's still hugely hilarious.
posted by Artw at 7:41 PM on September 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

Cool Papa Bell: Or any other porcine orifice, for that matter.
posted by y2karl at 7:41 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

"Don't get your dick caught in a pig's mouth" sounds like a folksy aphorism.
posted by griphus at 7:42 PM on September 20, 2015 [19 favorites]

Metafilter: Or any other porcine orifice, for that matter.
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 7:43 PM on September 20, 2015 [7 favorites]

Similar to wintersweet's Blackadder-esque scenario, this could be Cameron stealing from the playbook of the Michigan State Rep who came up with an "outrageous" fake story to "inoculate" himself against a more conventional scandal. And since Cameron's Tories have zero creativity, of course they'd steal from Black Mirror.
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:44 PM on September 20, 2015 [7 favorites]

Still pretty much my favorite tweet about this.
posted by George_Spiggott at 7:45 PM on September 20, 2015 [8 favorites]

Ah, the BLT of it....
posted by y2karl at 7:55 PM on September 20, 2015

He was in a no-porking zone? I'M HERE ALL WEEK FOLKS!
posted by not_on_display at 7:58 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

Do we actually know it was his dick? I mean, isn't his entire self technically "private"?

But then, perhaps that's mooted by the fact that his entire self is a dick.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:58 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

"Don't get your dick caught in a pig's mouth" sounds like a folksy aphorism.

maybe this is where that old saying "Don't put your dick inside a dead pig" comes from!
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:04 PM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]

It's funny because David Cameron is a horrible human being.

Also a horrible human being who has been busy propagating the most spurious bullshit imaginable about others lately, so even if the story is a total bust it's still hugely hilarious.

I wouldn't describe a young, college-aged man being subjected to hazing rituals, up to and including sexual coercion, to be hilarious. I'd call that tragic.

If he did grow up to be a horrible human being, well gee, I wonder where he learned it from.
posted by zebra at 8:05 PM on September 20, 2015 [13 favorites]

Still pretty much my favorite tweet about this.

This is pretty awesome
posted by Nevin at 8:05 PM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]

If he did grow up to be a horrible human being, well gee, I wonder where he learned it from.

How much do you know about the government that David Cameron leads? Did you hear about the part about forcing people with severe disabilities to search for work?
posted by Nevin at 8:06 PM on September 20, 2015 [19 favorites]

It is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, and have been giggling intermittently since I first worked my way backwards through the relevant tweets. Not only is there a God, but he appears to be on our side.
posted by Grangousier at 8:08 PM on September 20, 2015 [4 favorites]

this story is a great example of how rape culture harms men and boys

And pigs, don't forget pigs

The pig was dead, so no. A waste of a meal, maybe.
posted by Going To Maine at 8:10 PM on September 20, 2015

How much do you know about the government that David Cameron leads? Did you hear about the part about forcing people with severe disabilities to search for work?

Are you suggesting there is a point at which people deserve to both 1) be hazed and subjected to sexual coercion, and 2) be mocked for it later in life?
posted by zebra at 8:10 PM on September 20, 2015 [9 favorites]

(And if you could arrange, God, for the general public to find out about George Osborne's predeliction for cocaine and being whipped by prostitutes I would probably convert to you. If you'd throw in Ian Duncan Smith being slowly dissolved in acid while still alive, I'd train for the priesthood.)
posted by Grangousier at 8:12 PM on September 20, 2015 [11 favorites]

NOW DO TRUMP.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 8:13 PM on September 20, 2015 [54 favorites]

Everything I post from now on will have the tags "bestiality" and "tories."

Everything.
posted by Naberius at 8:17 PM on September 20, 2015 [7 favorites]

Was it wearing lipstick? Was it a capitalist pig? So many questions.
posted by madamjujujive at 8:18 PM on September 20, 2015 [6 favorites]

My favourite thing about this: no one is surprised by the news. Of course David Cameron fucked a dead pig in the mouth. That's just the sort of thing he does. Fucking pigs. Dead ones. Right in the mouth.
posted by jack_mo at 8:22 PM on September 20, 2015 [22 favorites]

Are you suggesting there is a point at which people deserve to both 1) be hazed and subjected to sexual coercion, and 2) be mocked for it later in life?

Where's the bit about this being a hazing ritual coming from?
posted by Nevin at 8:25 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

Well this explains the unique taste of Boar's Head Ale.
posted by humanfont at 8:35 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

So, can this bring down his government?
posted by a lungful of dragon at 8:39 PM on September 20, 2015

They're probably not very happy about it.
posted by Grangousier at 8:40 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

My favourite thing about this: no one is surprised by the news.

Not surprised at all. This confirms all popular stereotypes about posh dining clubs, in fact, it fits the narrative a little too well. Speaking of wouldn't surprise me... Boris Johnson was supposedly a member of the Piers Gaveston Society - he's probably had a sleepless night.
posted by betweenthebars at 8:41 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

David Cameron secures £45m pig semen deal between UK and China.
posted by these are science wands at 8:41 PM on September 20, 2015 [11 favorites]

I think it may have brought down his efforts to make a big fucking deal of whatever the supposed Corbyn scandal of the week is.

The government, however, is pretty much in place for the next five years no matter what.
posted by Artw at 8:41 PM on September 20, 2015

Just for contrast, as Glenn Greenwald pointed out not so terribly unprophetically a week ago, Corbyn at the same point in his life.

They say the boy is father to the man.
posted by George_Spiggott at 8:43 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

This affair brings to mind the time Dick Cheney shot that guy in the face.
posted by Going To Maine at 8:44 PM on September 20, 2015 [7 favorites]

Also that Rand Paul “Aqua Buddha” thing.
posted by Going To Maine at 8:46 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

Honestly, it's kinda sad. I think we should take up a collection.
posted by madamjujujive at 8:50 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

This affair brings to mind the time Dick Cheney shot that guy in the face.

It sounds like the thing with the pig was a one-time encounter, I'm not sure that qualifies as an affair.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:00 PM on September 20, 2015 [10 favorites]

Boris Johnson was supposedly a member...

Ian Hislop (definitely wouldn't fuck a pig)
Tom Parker-Bowles (probably wouldn't fuck a pig)
Hugh Grant (probably would fuck a pig)
Darius Guppy (definitely would fuck a pig)
Count von Bismarck (deceased)
posted by jack_mo at 9:02 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

Where's the bit about this being a hazing ritual coming from?

I have zero concrete evidence; there's a whole lot of this story that isn't concretely proved (including whether or not it even happened). In the meantime, we have to consider the cultural context here: that hazing rituals have been widely used as "bonding exercises" during initiation ceremonies for centuries. I would not be surprised if we learn, as the story continues to unfold, that's exactly what this was.

Until we know one way or the other, I'd like us as a community to consider that we could easily be making fun of someone for being coerced into a sex act. The problem is, when you crack a joke at the expense of one person who's been victimized, because they've been victimized, you're not just hurting that one person you find so repugnant, who in your estimation might "deserve it." There are plenty of MeFites who, like me, have been through hazing, coercion, sexual assault, etc -- and these jokes hurt us, too.

I clicked into this thread this evening hoping for the kind of thoughtful discussion that brought me and has kept me here on MetaFilter for so long. (I lurked for years before I ever created an account, and still read exponentially more often than I post or comment.) Instead I was treated to dozens of shitty one-liners that triggered me all to hell and left me a sobbing mess on my couch. I know that's not what anybody intended, but that's what happened.

All I'm asking is for people to consider who they're hitting with their hot takes.
posted by zebra at 9:04 PM on September 20, 2015 [41 favorites]

For years, I've told my friends that if i had a penis, I would put it in everything. EVERYTHING. I would be the guy fucking his picnic table and his car's tailpipe and a warmed up canteloupe. And now I have yet more lost opportunities to mourn. I BETTA be reincarnated with a penis. I have such plans for it.
posted by janey47 at 9:06 PM on September 20, 2015 [12 favorites]

The Prosciutto Affair
posted by the duck by the oboe at 9:16 PM on September 20, 2015 [24 favorites]

They cured him, in the end.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 9:19 PM on September 20, 2015 [17 favorites]

Too late, the cat's out of the bag about the poke in the pig.
posted by y2karl at 9:35 PM on September 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

They're pretty fun little toys, yeah.

I suppose I am not a power user, since I have no idea how one would "fuck a picnic table."
posted by Nevin at 9:40 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

www.pigse.cx
posted by Sebmojo at 9:42 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

zebra: I'm terribly sorry to hear you were so badly affected by this story. I'm not sure how we can make you feel better. I would like to point out that, though, that the first assumption of many people here (knowing Oxbridge drinking clubs for rich students) is that this alleged incident was a matter of drunken debauchery rather than sexual coercion. I've had some opportunity to see elite British undergrads up close, and the narrative of heedless excess and blithe privilege is the one that immediately leaped to mind for me.

I'm sure that this idea won't make you feel much better, but perhaps it will go some way toward explaining why people are treating this so lightly. Also, of course, given the source this has maybe a 10% chance of being true.

At any rate, let me say how sorry I am that bad things happened to you and also that you're suffering again as they are dredged up anew. I hope you're ok.
posted by Dreadnought at 9:47 PM on September 20, 2015 [65 favorites]

a member of the Piers Gaveston Society

We're lords of the Boar's table,
We hump when'er we're able

We do routines and bawdy scenes
With dick work impecc-able

We live well here in Gaveston
We pork spam and lamb and ham a ton
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:50 PM on September 20, 2015 [11 favorites]

My first assumption was that this was from hazing bullshit. I'm laughing anyway, because DC is a horrible human being all these years later and my moral outrage is not so finely tuned that it kills inappropriate humor, but zebra's points are still completely solid.

I've never been subjected to anything like that. Every time I hear such a story and think of myself in such a situation, all I can imagine myself doing is saying, "Well, guess I'll be a pariah or we're enemies for life or whatever, but no fucking way." But that's 1) much easier to imagine than to actually live, and 2) I had the good fortune to be raised in a family & environment with no tolerance for that.

However, I'm a high school teacher in Seattle, and we're STILL discovering bullshit hazing rituals here (among both privileged and not-so privileged kids) where we thought they'd been stamped out. So you wanna tell me that something like this happened with super-privileged "elites" at Eton or Oxford or wherever? Nope. Not at all shocked.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 9:52 PM on September 20, 2015 [10 favorites]

[ok folks, let's wrap this up, first.]
posted by clavdivs at 9:59 PM on September 20, 2015

Maybe this is a British vs American thing. At Cambridge I never saw a drinking society hazing one another (although I admittedly kept my distance). I saw them acting drunk and ugly many, many times. That's the cultural frame of reference that a lot of Brits will be approaching these allegations with.
posted by Dreadnought at 10:07 PM on September 20, 2015 [14 favorites]

Do we actually know it was his dick? I mean, isn't his entire self technically "private"?--Sys Rq

Good point. He could just be a necro-beastial teabagger.
posted by Mad_Carew at 10:22 PM on September 20, 2015

Is that a truffle in my pocket, or are you happy to see me?
posted by not_on_display at 10:22 PM on September 20, 2015 [9 favorites]

Yeah, I admit I assumed this was like the UK version of "teabagging" (look it up if you like) where at least the victim was food (and by proxy whoever unknowingly eats the food).
posted by muddgirl at 10:40 PM on September 20, 2015

I suppose I am not a power user, since I have no idea how one would "fuck a picnic table."

Like this, but with a picnic table instead of an ottoman. (relevant thread from when dinosaurs ruled the earth)
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:41 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

It's cathartic for the masses of people who have, for years, felt powerless against Cameron's government, and the right-wing tide it's riding, to shame him for the very privilege that drove him to power. (On the reading most are taking from this story. The facts might say something else, but this is the living story now). As a public spectacle, it allows ordinary people a chance to at least momentarily enjoy a reversal more perfectly ironic than anything anyone (other than Charlie Brooker) could have dreamed up. If it helps, the mockery isn't about Cameron as a private individual, at all, it's a vehicle for something much bigger.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:54 PM on September 20, 2015 [20 favorites]

(Yeah I guess it is about him, as well.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:14 PM on September 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

Dreadnought: to be clear, it wasn't the overall story that affected me, it was the unexpected and overwhelming number of punch-downwards jokes in this thread. I am not triggered often, but I know how to take care of myself when I am, and I'm good now. I appreciate your kind thoughts!

I understand why people are taking this lightly, I just think it's wrong to shame someone in a way that results in so much collateral damage. If DC is a terrible human being with terrible policies, use any of those to shame him and no one else gets hurt. But of course that's not as satisfying, or as easy, as a punny one-liner.

I could go on at length about how this whole mess is tied into societal expectations of masculinity and the policing of men's sexuality, but I'm tired. What I will do is bookmark this thread so that the next time feminism comes up and men wanna know why we don't talk more often about how hard they have it? This right here was a great opportunity to talk about how the patriarchy hurts men and boys, and turns some of them into monsters that make life hell for a whole lot of people. Instead, we got pig fucker jokes as far as the eye can see.
posted by zebra at 11:23 PM on September 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

A couple of comments deleted. Maybe we can take further meta discussion to the contact form (by preference at the moment) or Metatalk at a bit more of a remove. Thanks, all.
posted by taz (staff) at 11:26 PM on September 20, 2015

There is a PhD geneticist with a web page about homo sapiens as a chimpanzee -- pig hybrid species.

(Something not to think about when eating bacon)
posted by bukvich at 11:41 PM on September 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

i feel quite certain that putin has already had carnal knowledge of at least one bear

"Da Comrade! Now where is this beautiful woman I must wrestle?"
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:59 PM on September 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

The thing that I keep coming back to is the timing. When Cameron managed to win the 2015 general election, despite the efforts of Lord Ashcroft, this gets published. What does it mean to be so soon after May? Five years to the next general is a long time, but "the pig story" will probably have legs even then. Will the party replace him first? How soon? If they lose, will they blame "the pig story"? Who benefits, other than the disgruntled Lord Ashcroft?

I've been thinking about this kind of hazing ritual, and the bonding of the super-elite that it causes. "Now you're one of us, and you will be granted the power and privilege you desire, but if you step out of line, we could make this public. You will have the same power over future members, but it is a dangerous weapon, because once it is revealed, we will all be suspected of it." So, basically, it's the Dark Mark, but without the visible indicator.
posted by Mad_Carew at 12:03 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

Pigs are now a serious risk to our nation's security, our economy's security and your family's security.
posted by garius at 12:06 AM on September 21, 2015 [5 favorites]

Will the party replace him first?
Hadn't he already said he didn't plan to stand again?
posted by edd at 12:19 AM on September 21, 2015

I'll never look at pulled pork the same way again.
posted by octobersurprise at 12:23 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

I've no doubt at all that whoever is running the TfL (London Underground) Twitter feed this morning was practicing their innocent face when they tweeted this morning's network update
posted by garius at 12:28 AM on September 21, 2015

Hadn't he already said he didn't plan to stand again?

Yes. Which means we now have a number of senior Tory MP's who are treating their jobs as a long, drawn out rehearsal for the PM role. As conservative leaders are elected by the party membership (after the field has been reduced to two candidates by a series of votes by MPs), and the party membership skew rightwards with an emphasis on traditional values, this means that many cabinet ministers are keeping an eye on the future and conducting themselves like it's the 1950's, because the people standing between them and the prize generally wish it was. (Theresa May's a classic example and has been doing this ever since the Tories got back in power, hence the un-winnable court cases she likes to pursue, because it's more important to say the vile awful things and be seen to be tough than it is to actually achieve anything. )
posted by xchmp at 12:34 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

8.30 in the morning here, and no mention of any of this in the Guardian. I suppose they decided the story is too dubious/scandalous/spiteful etc. This after a week of Corbyn top button and Corbyn misogynist cabinet.

A lot of comment in the Guardian below every Corbyn article about how much the paper has declined - it's nice to see comments I agree with for a change.

My favorite tweet.
posted by glasseyes at 12:35 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

This story is going to hurt Cameron. The reason the majority of backbench tories used to idolise him is because they thought he fucked a dead *pauper*.
posted by Cantdosleepy at 12:53 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Radio 4 completely silent on the topic so far, which is unsurprising.

It's a good thing that Corbyn is so unlikely to say anything about this, because if he did, the story would instantly go from David Cameron, Pigfucker to Jeremy Corbyn Calls David Cameron a Pigfucker, at which point, the Beeb and the Guardian would suddenly find it worth reporting.
posted by skybluepink at 1:05 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

History.
posted by Wordshore at 1:20 AM on September 21, 2015

FTA: The story was recounted to them by a contemporary of Mr Cameron who went on to become an MP – and who claims that another member of the group has photographic evidence to prove it.

So, really, we can say "Pics, or it didn't happen"?

Lord Ashcroft later became resident in the UK for tax purposes after it was made a requirement for sitting in the House of Lords.

Amazing system you have there, UK.
posted by Mezentian at 1:33 AM on September 21, 2015

So, really, we can say "Pics, or it didn't happen"?

According to a lawyer specialising in obscenity, putting your penis in the mouth of a dead pig is not illegal but possessing a picture of someone putting their penis in the mouth of a dead pig is illegal. So they might want to keep those pictures hidden.
posted by penguinliz at 1:46 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

The seemingly informed speculation I've seen is pointing to the Piers Gaveston Society.
If we are to believe that this was the initiation rite for Piers Gaveston, then somebody also needs to talk to fellow aluminae such as Boris Johnson, Ian Hislop and Nat Rothschild. Hugh Grant would probably be the most candid.
posted by rongorongo at 2:01 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

The Guardian's picked it up now.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:02 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

And indeed has started a liveblog. Charlie Brooker must be so weirded out right now.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:04 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

A few more tweets. [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9]
posted by Wordshore at 2:06 AM on September 21, 2015

Okay, I've guiltily enjoyed the field day on this. When someone you see as an abuser of power and oppressor of the vulnerable is brought low, you always give a bit of a cheer. And really, I'd love to see the conservatives out as soon as possible! But wow, not like this...

But there's a good amount of this that worries me, because once again we're attacking a political leader for sexual practices. I find the boundary lines really uncomfortable in this rumour, and this comment gives me real pause for thought. Had the pig not been slaughtered, it would have been bestiality (which is widely objected to on æsthetic grounds, rather than the matter of consent, for some reason). And assuming Cameron's own consent wasn't violated, I can't really explain what the fundamental difference is between this and one of the risqué scenes in Tampopo.

That said, the power this hands to Corbyn is fascinating. All he needs to do is re-tell the story of his ethical awakening on a pig farm to conjure this image in the minds of the electorate. The story has gone too wild right now for anyone to be confused about the perpetrator, so any mention of pigs at this point in the news cycle will get readers giggling about Cameron.

But I want an electorate that is willing to vote for social justice and equality and protecting the vulnerable. I don't want to believe that our country will vote for the candidate who was found to have sex in the least controversial way.

So after laughing my head off, I'm now cradling a sore diaphragm and groaning "Really? We're doing this?"

I contain multitudes.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:07 AM on September 21, 2015 [12 favorites]

Well as publicity for a book goes this certainly beats CJ from Eggheads pushing someone in a river.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:16 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Interesting that the drugs thing seems to have been totally overlooked (probably because it's even more tenuios) and even the Supertramp thing would get a bit of (spare)ribbing (sorry) on a normal day... because pig
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:18 AM on September 21, 2015

The Guardian seem to be officially leading with the drugs thing, focusing on the Ashcroft/Cameron rivalry, and burying the pig story to a footnote. It feels more respectful, but I have no idea what their angle is right now.

What needs to be brought up more is that whatever he did for his initiation, this little club put Cameron in power. This is classic old-school-tie politics. That should be the shameful thing, here.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:21 AM on September 21, 2015 [7 favorites]

I never thought I would feel so conflicted about a politician-fucking-a-dead-pig story! On the one hand, I have no problem whatsoever with the act of putting one's dick in the mouth of a dead pig, in isolation. On the second, I know that lots of people do find it disgusting and inappropriate, and the political damage this might do to Cameron and his monstrous party is certainly a source of glee and catharsis. (The hypocrisy of Cameron's reported history with drugs and current stance is also a thing.) I'm also sick with a cold, and as such I've been sitting around in my pyjamas this morning, enjoying the bons mots here and on Twitter; that's about the peak intellectual level I'm at today.

I went to Cambridge, though I was never anywhere near the orbit of the drinking-club types, and honestly it never once occurred to me until reading zebra's comment that there might have been coercion involved in this pigfuckery. (Not even after I temporarily removed the Daily Mail from my Leechblock settings to read the original story.) Knowing what we do about these clubs, to me this is/was a story about the blithe and deliberate debauchery of the cliques that grew up to run our country, whose attitudes have obviously not changed much over the years. Thank you very much, zebra (and Annalee Flower Horne, who's mentioned this on Twitter) for bringing up that aspect. It is definitely important to be aware of that and I feel rather ashamed that I didn't think of it sooner.

My current thought is that this is a story about the blithe and deliberate debauchery and endorsement of sexually-abusive hazing of the cliques that grew up to run our country, whose attitudes have obviously not changed much over the years.
posted by daisyk at 2:22 AM on September 21, 2015 [9 favorites]

Charlie Brooker must be so weirded out right now.

Serves him right.
I had to watch seven (seven?) episodes of Black Mirror, and I have never gotten over the prime ministerial pig fuckery.
posted by Mezentian at 2:29 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

From the Guardian:

A friend from university also said Cameron smoked cannabis with him occasionally while listening to Supertramp

Talk about burying the lede! He can't possibly survive this
posted by bifter at 2:33 AM on September 21, 2015 [13 favorites]

Talk about burying the lede! He can't possibly survive this

I'm sure there's a logical explanation...

He was young, life was so wonderful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily
Joyfully, playfully watching him...

Allegedly fuck a dead pig's head.
posted by Mezentian at 2:37 AM on September 21, 2015 [13 favorites]

I can imagine this subtly changing the relationship of the British public to authority, especially the kind who went to elite universities and spent parts of their youth in the kinds of clubs for the young men born to rule. So every time somebody sees a High Court Justice, or a senior police officer talking about the need for new laws, or some representative of the Royal Family outlining some detail of royal protocol, the first thought that will occur will be “Did he...?”

Not coincidentally, the term “pigfucker” will become colloquially synonymous with authority and membership in the establishment. Pigfucking will become the new Freemasonry, at least in popular lore.
posted by acb at 2:37 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

The PM, the Pig and musings on Power

Interesting article covering elitism and initiation ceremonies as well as the main issue
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:38 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

Huh. Apparently LBJ went all the way ... with a pig. Allegedly,
posted by Mezentian at 2:39 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

The phrase 'initiation ceremony' has been used, so coercion is likely. In a perfect world the issues that Zebra has raised would take precedence. Adding to the shaming of a victim of sexual bullying is not showing respect to other victims of bullying.

This is exactly the kind of personality based politics that Corbyn has tried to make a stand against. Whether Cameron would ever see the irony in this and notch back his febrile ego for long enough to admit that Corbyn is correct and change his ways is unlikely.

Cameron is too invested in the pork porking posse to acknowledge that crapulent cronyism is damaging.
posted by asok at 2:46 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

Also, I wonder whether pig puns (“telling porkies”, “pig-headed”, and such) will become as much a feature of coverage of and/or references David Cameron as fluid-related terms have of discussion of Rick Santorum.
posted by acb at 2:49 AM on September 21, 2015

From the Guardian liveblog: 9.47am 09:47

Tim Farron, the Lib Dem leader, said this morning that the Ashcroft allegations were “extraordinary claims” but that they were “a bit of a sideshow”. He added:

The reality is we respect people’s right to a private life and a past. The critical thing in all of this is that those of us who are in politics mustn’t be hypocrites.

The sooner this also applies to Corbyn the better.

I've been appalled by the Guardian's Corbyn coverage.
posted by glasseyes at 2:51 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

Daily Mail readers justifying this as "what most young people do. At least we know he's 'normal' " has a beauty all of it's own.

Because they are right, but that goes against everything that the Daily Mail stands for.
posted by asok at 2:51 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Under cover of pig-gate, the Tories vote to starve poor children.

None of us will come away from this mess unscathed.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:52 AM on September 21, 2015 [10 favorites]

Daily Mail readers justifying this as "what most young people do. At least we know he's 'normal' " has a beauty all of it's own. Because they are right....

Maybe where you're from.
But where I am from we don't get drunk (or high) and fuck animals.
posted by Mezentian at 2:57 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

On the Labour Party.
posted by Wordshore at 3:03 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

Unfortunate diplomatic clash later today.
posted by Happy Dave at 3:15 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Time to update the advice given to all incoming US Congressmen, never get caught with a live boy or a dead...pig.
posted by Ber at 3:21 AM on September 21, 2015

The thing about the hazing angle is that this Piers Gaveston club seems by reputation to be largely *about* debauchery - including public sex acts. It's not a frat, it's a twelve member secret society named after a noble who supposed had a covert relationship with Edward II. Does one join because one is attracted by the exclusivity or because one feels the need to belong? Or does one join for the debauchery? Just because it's an initiation and pseudo-sexual in nature doesn't mean it's necessarily coercive. But on the other hand I do buy that quite a few such initiations are so I appreciate that it has been raised. Only David Cameron really gets to say.
posted by atoxyl at 3:22 AM on September 21, 2015 [9 favorites]

Nevin, a few years ago some guy was arrested for poking his penis in the hole where the umbrella goes in his own picnic table in his own backyard. I thought at the time that the real offender was the neighbor who filmed him but I guess I don't make the laws

Mother nature didn't put knotholes in picnic tables for no reason

I've been appalled by the Guardian's Corbyn coverage.

I thought the Guardian was the UK's good paper?
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 3:30 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

In any case I think there's more to serious discussion of the whole secret society milieu (to which many prominent figures belonged) than the incident itself. I've seen dudes pull some dumb stunts involving their penises too.
posted by atoxyl at 3:32 AM on September 21, 2015

I thought the Guardian was the UK's good paper?

Yeah that was before they went down the click-bait route like everyone else. And supported the Lib Dems.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:38 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

Yeah that was before they went down the click-bait route like everyone else. And supported the Lib Dems.

By that token, what constitutes the UK's good paper these days? The Morning Star?
posted by acb at 3:41 AM on September 21, 2015

Mezentian, perhaps I am suggesting that it is normal for people to submit to social coercion, to want to conform, to want to please 'authority' figures, to submit themselves to embarrassment in the hope that this will bring them some reward. Please see 'psychology' for more details.

Having said that, personally, any club that requires you to insert sex organs into the orifices of dead animals is not the club for me. YMMV

Good point atoxyl, we are talking about extremely privileged young men joining the booze and debauchery club. This is why it all sounds too perfect and surprises few!
posted by asok at 3:45 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

On this day of all days you'd think phone-in shows would be extra careful about who they let on line / have a delay + panic button running. But nooooo. (Vine)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:47 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

Hunter S. Thompson would have recognized this tactic immediately:

This is one of the oldest and most effective tricks in politics. Every hack in the business has used it in times of trouble, and it has even been elevated to the level of political mythology in a story about one of Lyndon Johnson’s early campaigns in Texas. The race was close and Johnson was getting worried. Finally he told his campaign manager to start a massive rumor campaign about his opponent’s life-long habit of enjoying carnal knowledge of his own barnyard sows.

“Christ, we can’t get a way calling him a pig-fucker,” the campaign manager protested. “Nobody’s going to believe a thing like that.”

“I know,” Johnson replied. “But let’s make the sonofabitch deny it.”

He didn't call it Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail for nothing.
posted by Doktor Zed at 4:01 AM on September 21, 2015 [17 favorites]

This really seems to be utter nonsense: the Daily Mail says someone who hates Cameron is claiming that they once spoke to someone who said they saw a picture that purported to be... I don't see why it's anything more than puerile libel.

It's not hurting Cameron, btw; in fact personally I'm feeling a small, unwanted degree of sympathy for him; and if you think Corbyn would attempt to use worthless crap like this politically I think you have a much lower opinion of him than I do.
posted by Segundus at 4:05 AM on September 21, 2015

Many years ago I was at a party in US where there were a lot of us foreigners from all over. Americans started asking us about the education systems in our respective countries. There were two guys from the UK. One of them did most of the talking. He'd studied at schools in his community. The other one had been at boarding schools, and since most everyone at the party had read the Harry Potter books, a lot of questions were directed towards him. The more he got asked about his experiences the more quiet he got. His answers were almost whispered by the end. He was pretty much as white as a sheet by the time the conversation moved elsewhere. He seemed to me like someone who'd been traumatized by his school days. I often think of him when I see discussions about elite educational institutions in Britain. And also the horrifying chapters in Stephen Fry's childhood and teen memoir, Moab Is My Washpot, where he recounts his sexual abuse by older children, especially how normalized it all was. I'm hoping that things are better now, but it seems to me that a lot of people come out horribly traumatized from their experiences of boarding schools.
posted by Kattullus at 4:12 AM on September 21, 2015 [10 favorites]

I'm hoping that things are better now, but it seems to me that a lot of people come out horribly traumatized from their experiences of boarding schools.
Reminds of the the article (which makes specific reference to Cameron) "Why boarding schools produce bad leaders".
posted by rongorongo at 4:23 AM on September 21, 2015 [5 favorites]

Cameron was in the Bullingdon Club, which has burning a £50 note in front of a homeless person as one of its initiation rituals. Better or worse than rubbing your todger on a bit of charcuterie?

In any case, the only really significant bit of this story is that it's a direct attack on the (like him or not) democratically-elected prime minister by a billionaire non-dom who is acting out of spite and self-interest*. It's pretty sinister really, and we'd be appalled if it was happening to a Labour PM.

* - Ashcroft was refused a job in the Tory government, and now faces plans to tighten up on tax breaks for non-doms. Both of these are actually rare good decisions by the Tories.

(I admit I had a fun pun-tastic evening though...)
posted by sobarel at 4:24 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

The sooner this also applies to Corbyn the better.

Corbyn's mostly been attacked for the stupid shit he's done and said as a politician, not as a kid. I'm sure some of his more zealous fans would like a lot of that to go away, but that's not going to happen.
posted by effbot at 4:29 AM on September 21, 2015

I'm hoping that things are better now, but it seems to me that a lot of people come out horribly traumatized from their experiences of boarding schools.

I'd recommend the very good Roald Dahln story, 'Galloping Foxley', which was later filmed as part of the Tales of The Unexpected
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:31 AM on September 21, 2015

I don't follow British politics very closely, but just in terms of human nature, I don't think this will qualitatively change anything. The similarities to the Rand Paul Aqua Buddha business are strong. Ultimately Cameron gets a free pass on this because it happened sufficiently far in the past. That person in the past is presumed to be a different person than this Cameron today. He can say now that, as he is today, he would have made different choices then, and who can prove it's untrue? It's a wonder anyone is ever guilty of anything in politics.
posted by newdaddy at 4:32 AM on September 21, 2015

Having said that, personally, any club that requires you to insert sex organs into the orifices of dead animals is not the club for me.

In which case, your future amongst the ruling elite would be very much limited.
posted by acb at 4:44 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

Evelyn Waugh's novel Decline and Fall (1928)... club members were:

"epileptic royalty from their villas of exile; uncouth peers from crumbling country seats; smooth young men of uncertain tastes from embassies and legations; illiterate lairds from wet granite hovels in the Highlands; ambitious young barristers and Conservative candidates torn from the London season and the indelicate advances of debutantes; all that was most sonorous of name and title”.

Plus ca change...

gruaniad: What’s the difference between Piers Gaveston and the Bullingdon Club?
posted by Mister Bijou at 4:54 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

In which case, your future amongst the ruling elite would be very much limited.

That's what you think! *Renews membership to Saurian Society*
posted by asok at 5:04 AM on September 21, 2015

Meanwhile, people are supplying soundtrack suggestions all over the place. Suede's Animal Nitrate, anyone? If I had more of a brain & still in a position where I could write about these things at great lengths, it's interesting to see a song written in the early 1990s about being young, poor & growing up under a Tory government have this sort of unexpected relevance in more ways than one.
posted by kariebookish at 5:11 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

ok, ok, the Russian Embassy in UK twitter account followed a parody account called "Cameron's Pig". this is oh so wonderful.
posted by numaner at 5:19 AM on September 21, 2015

> he needs to remember what they say about wrestling with pigs

Dead Pigs. Do They Still Like It?
posted by jfuller at 5:24 AM on September 21, 2015

I wish J Co could find some way to refer to anything to do with porcine matters in PMQ without compromising his ethics. I imagine turning the whole thing into a relentless pun fest would probably help his profile with some part of the electorate, but that wouldn't be his idea of political dialogue. Sometimes it really is difficult being the adult in the room.

It is much easier to knock people down than to build intelligent discourse.
posted by asok at 5:24 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Is it illegal to have sex with a dead pig in the UK? Here's what the law says about the allegations surrounding David Cameron's biography
posted by bukvich at 5:35 AM on September 21, 2015

Does one join because one is attracted by the exclusivity or because one feels the need to belong? Or does one join for the debauchery?

One joins when it is "Sausage time!"and not a moment before.
posted by octobersurprise at 5:54 AM on September 21, 2015

Google seems to indicate that this isn't called the "Porkfumo Affair" yet. If this ends up as "roast pig-gate" or "Bullingdon-gate" I'm going to be disappointed.
posted by the christopher hundreds at 6:16 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Even if the overall takeaway from this is that people who want to be our leaders decides that, no matter what the peer pressure, they shouldn't stick their cock in a pig unless they want to do so, I'm calling this a win.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:17 AM on September 21, 2015

Yeah, but asok that's why this is such an effective move by Ashcroft. It will never, ever go away; it's transcendent of circumstance.

Let's say Corbyn were to take an ultra mature approach; the opposite of the pig pun one. Spends time asking questions about the role of billionaire donations in modern politics, or the relationship between parties and the media. It would still be "a conscious decision not to mention the pig." to anyone who wanted it.

Cameron is dead within a year or two. This pig will be a liche on his authority.
posted by cromagnon at 6:20 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Dad, all those meats come from the same animal!"
"Right Lisa, some wonderful, magical animal!"

Now change one word.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:26 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Corbyn's been attacked for, among other things:

the way he dresses
not singing god saves the queen
not wearing a tie
misogynistically appointing a shadow cabinet consisting of 51% women
appointing a vegan as shadow environment secretary
supporting the rights of Palestinians
being 66
and having an affair in the 70's with Diane Abbott. Which is the one that puzzles me the most, as what is there to object about there unless to the sort of racist for whom 'miscegenation' is actually a thing? Please be aware I mention this as a bi-racial person. As a smear who's that going to work on and what is it going to convince them of? A thirty-year-old person had an affair with a work colleague that broke up his then marriage of five years. Yes, such a person must be so much more dodgy than a person - or 'kid' if you like - joining a secret society whose aim is drinking and debauchery.

The column inches - the smears by association - the exaggerations and downright lies - the focus on irrelevant trivia, erasing more important news from the airwaves - it's been incredible to watch and read this happening to Corbyn with so-called respectable papers joining the feeding frenzy. Personally I think the Guardian's done itself in over this. The comparative reticence over Ashcroft's memoirs stands in stark contrast.
posted by glasseyes at 6:32 AM on September 21, 2015 [15 favorites]

you forgot overspending by £3.45 in 1979
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 6:35 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

"..... I thought you said goat."
posted by h00py at 6:38 AM on September 21, 2015

I'm puzzled as to what's really going on though. Was it really a somewhat random act of revenge? What brought it on now? Why is the Mail running with this, is it purely for circulation figures? Is there a faction trying to give Cameron the push? Is anyone waiting in the wings?

Is it a ploy to obscure questions about when Cameron knew about the non-dom thing? And is it working?
posted by glasseyes at 6:46 AM on September 21, 2015

Corbyn's been attacked for, among other things...

For someone who is supposedly unelectable, people do seem to make a special point of going after him.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:48 AM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]

From a systems standpoint, I think that one reason folks are so gleeful over this is that the political system has ceased to be representative in any meaningful sense. There's no way to take someone down over his actual, criminal, violent social policy, so when the opportunity comes to take him down for being a pig-fucker, everyone loves the idea. (It's not that in a better democracy scandal would go unremarked, but this type of sexual scandal has become so much more powerful and pervasive in the last ten years, I think.)

I mean, would anyone here really care what Cameron might have done in his youth if he weren't an appalling one percenter advocate for the crony state?

There's a quite interesting article here about contemporary European political parties - it's lightweight, but said some things rather well, among them:

Mair’s book is a study of European political parties — and how they no longer play the role that they are supposed to. Once upon a time, political parties like Labour created a vital link between the public and political decision making. They were never perfect, but they allowed citizens to get involved in politics, and, when they didn’t like what the government was doing, to vote against the parties that run it.

Now, this is no longer true. Mair argues that a twofold process is taking place. First, European political elites — the people who really make decisions — are finding that they don’t really need the party rank and file as much as they needed. Parties are supported more by state funding than by members. Party leaders are more interested in their role as part of the government than in representing their voters. Second, the ordinary public is drifting away from parties. They are less likely to vote, and when they do vote, they are more likely to shift from party to party.

Mair argues that this is bad for democracy. Quoting another political scientist, Rudy Andeweg, who says that “the party … becomes the government’s representative in the society rather than the society’s bridgehead in the state,” Mair suggests that political parties are becoming glorified spin doctors for state power. The structures of power and decision making are increasingly “protected from the people and from excessive input.” As British sociologist Colin Crouch argues, this also means that political elites come to identify less and less with voters, and more and more with the representatives of special interests whom they socialize with, who provide them with financial support, and who shape their fundamental ideas about what policies are acceptable and what policies are unacceptable.

~~~
I am wary of narratives that create causeless political systems - Cameron as unfeeling moral monster because he was forced into an unpleasant hazing ritual as a young man, for instance. (Plus as far as I know, these drinking societies are much more like Skull and Bones or that weird society that Reagan was part of than like your average American frat) I don't think it's a good idea to understand or excuse sustained political action by powerful people as a mere symptom of their personal lives.

Also, I think there's a pretty substantial tradition of political elites doing weird and grotesque things precisely to flaunt the fact that ordinary middle class morality and law have no hold on them.
posted by Frowner at 6:56 AM on September 21, 2015 [18 favorites]

There's been suggestion that Ashcroft had been promised a political role that Cameron didn't give him.

Some suggestions were that Cameron said "Nick Clegg won't let me" and Ashcroft found out that was not true.
The timing suggests that he waited till safely after the election so as not to hurt the party and so that there were plenty of people vying for Cameron to take over.

Other people are suggesting that Cameron said he wouldn't seek a third term but may have reneged on that, so Ashcroft pushed.

If any of these are true (or to be honest even if they're not) the real disgusting thing about the story is nothing to do with pigs, but is to do with very rich people pulling strings to get their way.
That and the hypocrisy of the Conservative parties views on drugs (refusing even to debate it) whilst getting high themselves.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 6:57 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

No one's gone to Terrence and Phillip for comment yet?
posted by stevis23 at 6:59 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

Other than being killed first, the pig did not suffer harm (so no ethical violation unless you're a vegetarian).

Was Cameron coerced or did he just want badly to join an exclusive club and so agreed to do something gross and silly? What would the consequences have been if he had walked away? My assumption would be, he would not get to join the club and would have slightly (or a lot?) more difficulty becoming as powerful in politics. He would have remained comfortably wealthy, however. I have a hard time believing he was in fear for his safety. But maybe I'm wrong.
posted by emjaybee at 7:07 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

It is the fact that the newly democratic Labour party voting system resulted in such a resounding win for Corbyn that has upset the establishment. It is a timely reminder that the BBC and Guardian are part of that establishment, notwithstanding Owen Jones having an occasional podium.

Corbyn could easily galvanise the electorate specifically because he is not part of the establishment, and they don't like that one bit. All of that lobbying cash wasted! Which is probably what it says in Frowner's link, which I have not read yet.

Fair point cromagnon. 'No one mentioned the pig in the room. I mean elephant.'
posted by asok at 7:11 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

I just heard someone use the term 'pig-headed' on the radio news, referring to government policy on nuclear power stations. I think this might stick. But I am disappointed that nobody's started writing Pigmailion, the musical.
posted by Devonian at 7:15 AM on September 21, 2015

Although #baeofpigs and #snoutrage are good hashtags, my personal favourite (and perhaps the most tasteless - sorry!) was #swine11.
posted by imperium at 7:18 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

Lord Gardenstone can't see what all the fuss is about.
posted by Flitcraft at 7:19 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

You know the whole 'Poor Cameron, look what he was forced to do to join his rich club' isn't going to occur to most British readers. Toffs do this stuff because it's outrageous and they can, as Frowner said. Apparently the authors included the pig anecdote "bcos it's colourful and it made us laugh".
posted by glasseyes at 7:28 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Google seems to indicate that this isn't called the "Porkfumo Affair" yet.

The Prosciutto Affair, surely?
posted by acb at 7:29 AM on September 21, 2015 [9 favorites]

Corbyn's been attacked for, among other things...

For someone who is supposedly unelectable, people do seem to make a special point of going after him.

He's attacked for being unelectable. And vice versa.
posted by Celsius1414 at 7:33 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

The Prosciutto Affair

Wrong end ;)
posted by milnews.ca at 7:36 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Sorry for harping on but now that I've followed the Mail's link Jeremy Corbyn's first wife Jane Chapman tells MoS how their marriage ended after his lover Diane Abbott made a 'hostile' home visit and told her: 'Get out of town' and actually read the 'article', a correction is in order: the marriage was over well before the affair, and Jane Chapman is probably wondering how on earth the Mail managed to extract the quotes used from the interview she gave.
posted by glasseyes at 7:49 AM on September 21, 2015

"...but you fuck just one pig!"

(Did we really get this far into this thread without that or did I miss it?)
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 7:52 AM on September 21, 2015

You missed it.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:01 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

Given the darker news coming out of Scotland Yard about the abuses the British elite are associated with, we should be thankful it was a dead pig and not far, far worse.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:02 AM on September 21, 2015

Give it time. Give it time to gestate, a bit.
posted by jadepearl at 8:05 AM on September 21, 2015

Related fanfare The Riot Club ... well I'm going to watch it tonight anyway
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 8:07 AM on September 21, 2015

Someone mentioned needing a soundtrack?
posted by delfin at 8:15 AM on September 21, 2015 [7 favorites]

David Cameron pig allegations could harm UK productivity

I think we are officially through the looking glass
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 8:19 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

Also, I think there's a pretty substantial fee of political elites doing weird and grotesque things precisely to flaunt the fact that ordinary middle class morality and law have no hold on them.

Or, there's a long tradition of claiming the elite are doing weird and grotesque things in order to build up outrage against them. And it works, because people want to believe that when elites do something they object to, it's not just a case of power politics, it's because of a moral failing. "If we got our own guy in," the story goes, "He'd do what we want, because he's not a sexual deviant." I mean seriously, this has been doing on since Roman tones, if not earlier.
posted by happyroach at 8:22 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

This act was not primarily a "sexual practice" but the result of a group of evil people forcing each other to do evil things in order to bond each other together. Cameron deserves every bit of the mockery he's receiving and more, no matter how sex positive you are.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 8:27 AM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]

Or, there's a long tradition of claiming the elite are doing weird and grotesque things in order to build up outrage against them. And it works, because people want to believe that when elites do something they object to, it's not just a case of power politics, it's because of a moral failing. "If we got our own guy in," the story goes, "He'd do what we want, because he's not a sexual deviant." I mean seriously, this has been doing on since Roman tones, if not earlier.

And why not both? The Bohemian Grove is a bit odd, for instance, and the Wikipedia doesn't even cite some of the really odd anecdotes. And of course, the sorts of brothels and so on that cater to the very rich.

More, you don't have to read very many memoirs or histories of members of the upper classes to realize that clearly articulated contempt for footling middle class morality is a real thing. (Gore Vidal's memoir is a bit entertaining on this front.)

There's definitely a fascist side to the whole "look at the disgusting elites with their sexual perversions" business, which you can see clearly when by "disgusting" people just mean "homosexual" or "not getting married first", etc. But I think that's different from scandals that are mostly about ridicule, like this one, where the point is to laugh at and undercut the otherwise immune powerful.
posted by Frowner at 8:33 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

And I mean, I think "ha ha consider Cameron's dangly bits and a pig" is a bad thing, not because of Cameron but because it's testimony to how broken the actual political process is.

I suppose it's not yet as bad as the US, where we actually glorify the disgusting and unscrupulous actions of people like Donald Trump.
posted by Frowner at 8:35 AM on September 21, 2015

Metafilter: this has been doing on since Roman tones
posted by Sys Rq at 8:38 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Conclusion of an analysis by James Ross, doing the rounds:

It's difficult to sympathise with people who are collectively responsible, on the very same day, for defunding free school meals. We have a prime minister who would rather have sex with food than give it to poor children.
posted by Wordshore at 8:43 AM on September 21, 2015 [24 favorites]

Someone mentioned needing a soundtrack ?

How the hell does cassetteboy put those out so fast? He must have some insane word cloud database of indexed speeches to do it.
posted by Happy Dave at 8:47 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

To rip off (and lessen) Tina Fey's joke about Catherine the Great:

'You know, John F. Kennedy had extramarital affairs and no one says anything. But I bang one dead pig and now I'm a pig banger for all eternity? That's it? That's what I am?'
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:58 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

lupus_yonderboy: no matter how sex positive you are

In any sufficiently large group of humans there will be exceptions for anything, but I'm pretty sure that that the margin of error will stray into the negative when it comes to the number of sex positive people who are in favor of irrumating dead pigs.
posted by Kattullus at 8:58 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Sam Kriss in Vice: Is Britain Ruled by a Secret Pig Fucking Cabal?

Something very weird happened as soon as the allegations emerged in the Daily Mail that Prime Minister David Cameron had, during his student days at Oxford, stuck "a private part of his anatomy" in a dead pig's mouth – a story upon which Downing Street bascially declined to comment today. While most of us were laughing uncontrollably all evening, political and media figures across the Right, from Louise Mensch to James Delingpole, suddenly started insisting that it was no big deal, that he was just a student, that we've all done something embarrassing back in the day, so who cares?

This is true. There are certainly long and stupid years of my life that, whenever I'm reminded of them, make me want to dash my head bloody against the nearest wall. But even so, I never fucked a dead pig. So the question hangs in the air. Could it be that we're all being ruled by a secret pig fucking cabal? Some ancient society, devoted to the enjoyment of forbidden porcine pleasures, driven wild by its transgressions, with ambitions to take over the world?

This kind of idea is difficult to prove. But I want to suggest that, at the very least, we should take the proposition very seriously.

posted by Rustic Etruscan at 9:04 AM on September 21, 2015 [10 favorites]

I turned the television on and BBC 2 had the words SWINISH MULTITUDE running across the screen in huge letters, so I thought maybe things had escalated upwards since this morning. But it was just an antiques programme talking about Edmund Burke.
posted by dng at 9:09 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

Some ancient society, devoted to the enjoyment of forbidden porcine pleasures, driven wild by its transgressions, with ambitions to take over the world?

amongst the jews we simply call these trayf heretics "christians"
posted by poffin boffin at 9:14 AM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]

So he huffed, and he puffed, and he blew his COMMENT REDACTED?
posted by dr_dank at 9:17 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Finally, I can use this feature
posted by Wordshore at 9:18 AM on September 21, 2015 [13 favorites]

The inevitable tomonews animation (Taiwanese) is, unsurprisingly, NSFW. gif in tweet
posted by Wordshore at 9:23 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

> Google seems to indicate that this isn't called the "Porkfumo Affair" yet. If this ends up as "roast pig-gate" or "Bullingdon-gate" I'm going to be disappointed.

It's kind of a derail, but does the UK media really use the American -gate apellation for political scandals?
posted by indubitable at 9:43 AM on September 21, 2015

It's kind of a derail, but does the UK media really use the American -gate apellation for political scandals?

Yes, they do, unfortunately, to a frankly tedious extent.

Never underestimate how much our political and media classes are infatuated with the US. If I had a quid for how often something was described as a 'US-style initiative' in the Nineties, I wouldn't have had to take out a student loan.
posted by Happy Dave at 9:46 AM on September 21, 2015

All the time.
Hence the confusion over watergategate
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 9:51 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Piggy really wanged,
Screwed up mouth and screwed down club rites
Like some peer from Hotham,
He could lick 'em by defiling
He could leave 'em to hang
Cameron so loaded man,
Well hung and snow white tan.

/apologies to bowie
posted by a lungful of dragon at 10:17 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

See also the tedious 'gategate'.
posted by biffa at 10:25 AM on September 21, 2015

I'm reading this while drinking coffee out of my husband's Oxford mug and I have so many questions
posted by The Whelk at 10:26 AM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

I'm reading this while drinking coffee out of my husband's Oxford mug and I have so many questions

Your comment on mugs and drinking suddenly made me wonder about the alleged #piggate incident ... what happened immediately afterwards?

Overthinking is a curse. I should get back to work.
posted by Wordshore at 10:31 AM on September 21, 2015

I just noticed that the Channel 4 video-on-demand app has surfaced Black Mirror to its home screen. I wonder whether this is a coincidence.
posted by acb at 10:33 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

That'll do pig, that'll do.
posted by kirkaracha at 10:37 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

"Give me a pig! He looks you in the eye and treats you as an equal." -- Sir Winston Churchill

Churchill by Himself (2008), ed. Langworth, PublicAffairs, p. 535 ISBN 1586486381.
posted by MrJM at 10:43 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

David Cameron walked into the doctors...

DC: "Doctor my penis stinks of bacon."
Doctor: "And what would you like me to do?"
DC: "Well I was hoping to get it cured.."

- shamelessly ripped from a GU comment
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 10:58 AM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

bone-in ham? has anyone said that one yet? thanks

I believe the song you're looking for has been penned by the master artists GWAR.
posted by FatherDagon at 11:02 AM on September 21, 2015

Ctlr-F "porkbarrel". No results on this page.

Not sure how to feel about that.
posted by nubs at 11:03 AM on September 21, 2015

FYI, the new series of 'Have I got news for you' starts a week on Friday. Cameron chum Jeremy Clarkson will be hosting.
posted by biffa at 11:15 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Ctlr-F "porkbarrel". No results on this page.

Its not a widely used term in the UK.
posted by biffa at 11:17 AM on September 21, 2015

...until now.
posted by Chrysostom at 11:23 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Ctlr-F "porkbarrel". No results on this page.

Its not a widely used term in the UK.

Remember having to google it when was mentioned on The West Wing
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 11:24 AM on September 21, 2015

Is that where the phrase "shooting pork in a barrel" comes from?
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 11:58 AM on September 21, 2015

David Cameron pig allegations could harm UK productivity

Reminds me of this -- What happens when Queen Elizabeth dies?

For at least 12 days — between her passing, the funeral and beyond — Britain will grind to a halt. It'll cost the British economy billions in lost earnings. The stock markets and banks will close for an indefinite period. And both the funeral and the subsequent coronation will become formal national holidays, each with an estimated economic hit to GDP of between £1.2 and £6 billion, to say nothing of organisational costs.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:02 PM on September 21, 2015

Yes but what if she dies in a compromising position with a deceased farm animal
posted by poffin boffin at 12:05 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

That's no way to talk about the Duke Of Edinburgh.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 12:06 PM on September 21, 2015 [27 favorites]

Personally I'm more concerned with what will happen if she doesn't die.
posted by griphus at 12:13 PM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]

Elizabeth II Regina Aeterna
posted by griphus at 12:17 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

You and Prince Charles.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 12:19 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

Yes but what if she dies in a compromising position with a deceased farm animal

£10 billion, then.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:21 PM on September 21, 2015

I like to imagine the peerage collectively taking ownership, just for kicks. “Yep, we all did this. We all did this.” dealwithit.gif
posted by Going To Maine at 12:24 PM on September 21, 2015

having the world's first cyborg queen would be pretty progressive
posted by indubitable at 12:25 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

OH CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN

and then then stand up with their dick in a pig's mouth
posted by griphus at 12:25 PM on September 21, 2015

having the world's first cyborg queen would be pretty progressive

America’s already got Janelle Monae.
posted by Going To Maine at 12:27 PM on September 21, 2015 [9 favorites]

Personally I'm more concerned with what will happen if she doesn't die.

Anno Dracula was a fucking good book...
posted by Pope Guilty at 12:28 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

All the time.
Hence the confusion over watergategate

Water's gonna gate gate gate gate
posted by stevis23 at 12:29 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

What happens when Queen Elizabeth dies?

There will be an Are You Being Served? marathon, followed by another Are You Being Served? marathon, and then a pledge drive.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 12:49 PM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

I'd like to imagine the BBC being left in the hands of a bunch of mid-level functionaries who didn't take the day off because they grew up listening to Crass and knew this would be the one time they could pull off some Revolution Action but then they just get drunk and force the nation to binge-watch Blackadder.
posted by griphus at 12:54 PM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

Actually when she dies Britain will slowly sink beneath the sea, everyone standing and stoically singing her praises till their lungs are finally filled with brine.
posted by dng at 12:55 PM on September 21, 2015 [12 favorites]

mustn't grumble
posted by poffin boffin at 1:37 PM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

"Laws are like sausages. It’s better not to see them being made."
posted by kirkaracha at 1:38 PM on September 21, 2015

British Constitutional Law 401: Death of the Monarch

Upon the occasion of the utterly unthinkable and tragic demise of the Monarch, British Constitutional Law mandates the following procedures to be followed precisely and absolutely, on pain of the Monarch's death being ruled void.

1. The alleged Monarchic corpse is ritually inspected by the High Chamber of the Privy Notary, a body consisting of the Royal Colonel of the Order of St. Duran, the Lord Lieutenant of Ipswich and the Comptroller of the Beatles. The Monarch's pulse is interrogated by a gold ear-trumpet, and if no sound is heard the High Chamber issues a writ of putrefaction to be hung from the lower coat hook of Jesus College, Oxford.

2. The Signeur of St Archibald-on-the-Nonce, a church in Fleet Street, cries twelve times from the Cheese Tower, alerting the Freemen of the City of London that: "the Majestic blip, so regular of oldentemps, hath silenced!" and the eating of pudding is henceforth banned within the City walls.

3. The County of Surrey is declared ended, and all her tennis courts given as alms to the poor. The Bishop of London is executed and mock-buried before being trampled into scum by the Horseguards. Eton scholars are dispatched to Blackpool to shiver.

4. The Prince of Wales, or, if there is no such, the Molly of Dalston Junction, is declared Sovereign. All men of legal age in the City of Leicester are painted orange and carry melons to and fro for a mourning period of twelve Wednesdays.

5. The Duchy of Wimbledon is raised from the Thames, where it was secreted by the Garter King-at-Arms, and the First Lord of the Treasury is charged with drying it out. Traditionally, the High Commissioners of all Commonwealth nations bring beach-towels or (in the case of Canada) a hair-dryer.

6. Public Holidays are declared for all right-handed subjects and their left-handed countrymen are given one bus pass to share. The Bank of England prints a red, £6 banknote which is rolled up and blown from London to Windsor by the Deputy Governor using a straw, which she must purchase from her own funds.

7. Northern Ireland, the Personal Time-Share of the Duke of Ellington, is rotated 90 degrees and becomes Western Ireland. The First Ministers of Scotland and Wales are warned to look away by Letters Patent. A large pie is brought forth, then discarded.

8. The British Broadcasting Corporation is sent overseas for nine months to think about it. In this interregnum, all news is gazetted in Viz and Beano by the Lords of the Admiralty. Bath, a Royal city, elects a Petty Sheriff who is empowered to arrest anyone French and remove them. Russell Brand is melted down into his base metals.

9. The Royal Dukes gather in chapel to whistle. The Earl Presumptive is allocated the duty of recording the Top 40 on cassette from the radio. He must complete that Constitutional task by Michaelmas, or the Master of the Rolls becomes inflamed and must be twitched by commoners.

10. Hairdressers are closed and the Worshipful Company of Scriveners do not fish, twirl or eBay for a month. The Deputy Prime Minister is allowed off, but the Privy Council are lured into a cupboard. The Crown Dependencies present their reasons and a tribute of jelly. Dame Judy Dench is legalized.

11. Bus Route 38 is commandeered to carry the Monarch's corpse from Buckingham Palace to Southwark Recycling Centre where the Archbishop of York buries himself in light clay. Four and twelve minutes of silence are announced by the Master of Christ's, and millions of ordinary Britons file past the Morrisons at the Arndale Centre to pay their respects.

12. Gary Lineker is promoted to Neville Lineker and leads the Maundy Prayer. Staff at Cadbury's do not stir any chocolate for a fortnight. Wales, once so proud and free, is thanked nine times and asked to resign. Cornishmen throw off all their glue and stomp. Jeremy Paxman is sold.

13. New Dukes: D. Beckham, D. Miliband, D. Rascal, A. Pond. Sir Angus Deaton, Sir George Galloway. Lady Gaga embossed, becoming Countess Lady. Earl Ringo Starr, but Marquess Martin Clunes. Cockfighting is given equal time. All peers of the realm are knitted together in the Courtyard of St James Palace for luncheon.

14. The twelve Doctors Who carry the new Sovereign to the Chemist of Barnes, and annoint her with linseed oil. The Deacon of St Giles-in-the-Fields unlocks his Wheelbarrow and flaunts the Royal Mistress with due unction. One coconut is sounded.

15. A cheese rolls away. Tissues become legal and darts is replaced. The Prime Minister is stretched between the Foreign Office and Currys/PC World. Brighton is folded in two.

Slowly, life returns to normal, but nothing will ever taste so fruity nor have protruding staples ever again.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 1:43 PM on September 21, 2015 [92 favorites]

tell me more about this cheese
posted by poffin boffin at 1:53 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

What really happens when the queen dies is that we change the words to the national anthem from "God save the Queen" to "God save the King", and the name of the country is changed henceforth from "The United Queendom" to "The United Kingdom".

The cheese stands alone.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:06 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

At least until we pair it with the right wine. And maybe get some crackers. And one of those little tiny cheese knives.
posted by nubs at 2:08 PM on September 21, 2015

> British Constitutional Law 401: Death of the Monarch

Didn't you miss the Mornington Crescent clause, or has that been repealed?
posted by languagehat at 2:32 PM on September 21, 2015 [5 favorites]

The cheese stands alone.

Omar comin’.
posted by Going To Maine at 2:41 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

For those of you unfamiliar with British politics, the party's actual name is "The Conservative Party"; "The Pigfuckers" is just a nickname
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:51 PM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

languagehat: "> British Constitutional Law 401: Death of the Monarch

Didn't you miss the Mornington Crescent clause, or has that been repealed?"

Obviated by the Treaty of St Swithins on the Wold, I mean really.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:55 PM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

The boar's head in hand bear I
Bedeck'd with bays and rosemary
And I pray you, my masters, be merry
Quod estes in convivOH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DAVID!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:58 PM on September 21, 2015 [11 favorites]

Breaking News: David Cameron denies ever having had sexual relations with that dead pig.
posted by dng at 2:58 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

David Cameron denies ever having had sexual relations with that dead pig.

That's not what it actually says; sources within the Conservative Party say that he didn't do it, without giving a reason for why they're certain of this fact.
posted by acb at 3:13 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

What about the coke binges?
posted by Artw at 3:13 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Day 2:

PM savaged by top brass: Ashcroft book reveals leading general, Tory grandee and the U.S. accuse him of ineptitude over Libya and Syria
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:13 PM on September 21, 2015

Reading some speculation that the 'establishment' want him out so Gideon can be the true blue leader and kick us out of Europe.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:15 PM on September 21, 2015

Reading some speculation that the 'establishment' want him out so Gideon can be the true blue leader

May god have mercy on our souls.
posted by dng at 3:17 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

The pig stuff opened up his defences... but all this stuff claiming Cameron was utterly incompetent at military and defense policy could be a knock-out blow
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:21 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Reading some speculation that the 'establishment' want him out

We might not be hearing about any of this if the establishment did not want him out. They had him pretend-fuck the pig corpse twenty years ago so that they could drop him like a hot potato if they ever felt like doing so. That is precisely the function of these orders' perverted initiations.

Haven't you guys read David Icke?
posted by bukvich at 3:24 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

could be a knock-out blow

This was apparently also the pitch that Cameron fell for
posted by RogerB at 3:32 PM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

So am I the only one who does not consider "putting one's penis inside a roasted pig" sex? True I have no information on the penis itself, whether there was arousal or not, yet I still come away with the feeling that a flaccid penis stuffed inside something inanimate is more of a lark or a jape.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:37 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm now wondering whether the tabloids are switching targets because they consider Corbyn invulnerable or inherently doomed and not worth bothering with... Or they just think everyone is bored of that nonsense and want to mix things up.
posted by Artw at 3:38 PM on September 21, 2015

Knock-out blow

Actually I hear it kind of wakes you up.
posted by Artw at 3:39 PM on September 21, 2015

By the way to the person asking way up at the top of the comments, Bae is short hand for Babe or so I am told. Although why Babe needs a shorthand form, that is another question. It is also slang for poop.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:40 PM on September 21, 2015

(just the intro:)

Right now...
Right now...
It's time to...
FUCK ALL THE HAMS, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

*guitar riff kicks in*

Hal Duncan, "with apologies to the MC5".
posted by hap_hazard at 3:40 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Babe the blown pig?
posted by Dip Flash at 3:45 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Artw, how could they resist? An actual political pigfucker story only comes along once in a lifetime. If you are lucky.
posted by madamjujujive at 3:51 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

So am I the only one who does not consider "putting one's penis inside a roasted pig" sex?

tbh I don't think most people really consider it sex either. it's just that gleeful bellowing of TORY PIGFUCKERS is too good to pass up.
posted by poffin boffin at 4:09 PM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

Well it could be just a clusterfuck of obliviousness illustrating the old 'never impute to malice what may be explained by stupidity'. After all Ashcroft's co-writer tweeted they put the pig bit in the book because they thought it was funny. And I don't think the original story says anything about yer actual fucking, rather it says 'placed.'

But if it is the long knives being out for Cameron, well, it's incredibly spiteful, intimate and somehow almost magically well-timed with official unrelated pig-based publicity. Cameron seems to have had a lot of photo ops with pigs lately. As a stab in the back this thing is particularly vicious, coming as it must from someone quite close. The Osbourne suggestion upthread makes sense to me.

When the news broke I was all schadenfreudy because of last week's Corbyn coverage, but on thinking more about it, it's rather unsettlingly awful. As the rum-soaked space hobo said above But I want an electorate that is willing to vote for social justice and equality and protecting the vulnerable. I don't want to believe that our country will vote for the candidate who was found to have sex in the least controversial way.
posted by glasseyes at 4:13 PM on September 21, 2015

British Constitutional Law 401: Death of the Monarch

Since the UK has an unwritten constitution (and, yes, the Brits will insist that they do have a constitution, and it's unwritten), this has as good a chance of being true as anything else you might come up with.
posted by klausness at 4:22 PM on September 21, 2015

Party sources initially said they did not recognise any of the allegations revealed by the Daily Mail, which is serialising the book, Call Me Dave. On Monday afternoon the same sources were more specific in their denial, saying the story about the pig head was “not true” and “nonsense” as Cameron was never a member of the Piers Gaveston club.

Oh my word they actually asked him.
I would love to know who posed the question.
If it was Gideon the smugness must have been unbearable.

So, do they throw him to the wolves now to get it over with or wait until a more palatable reason for his resignation and risk a moment of fatal ridicule.
posted by fullerine at 4:24 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Looks like Murdoch is joining in the cam kicking tomorrow?
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 4:59 PM on September 21, 2015

“Black Mirror” Creator On David Cameron’s PigGate: “I Didn’t Try To Predict This”
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 5:12 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

what a time to be alive
posted by poffin boffin at 7:41 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

“I Didn’t Try To Predict This”

Well, no, of course not, reporting events in the past is not prediction.
posted by mwhybark at 8:07 PM on September 21, 2015

If for nothing else, this gave me a legitimate excuse to tweet some nsfw stills from Zéno's amazing Vase de Noces. Thanks #Hameron!
posted by meehawl at 8:23 PM on September 21, 2015

klausness: the UK has an unwritten constitution

That is truthy, but not actually true: "What Britain lacks is not a written constitution, but a codified one. "
posted by meehawl at 8:50 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

On recollection, it seems like Chris Morris was even ahead of Charlie Brooker.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 11:16 PM on September 21, 2015

I guess this is a case of a poke in a pig.

There is something, erm, deliciously just in slime like Cameron being unable to stop the world from laughing at his (supposed) baser incidents from the past, while busy trying to screw over everyone not part of his elitist world and at the same time pretending to be on a moral high horse. (While sexual assault is of course absolutely no laughing matter, I don't see any evidence of abuse here; rather it is another example of how hypocritical and parasitical the elite are - that is where the outrage should be.)
posted by blue shadows at 11:40 PM on September 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

There's no evidence of anything. What's happening is that the man who forced his party to legalise gay marriage (we may have forgotten; the Daily Mail has not) is being mocked as a supposed pervert. And boy, are we loving it!
posted by Segundus at 1:06 AM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

the UK has an unwritten constitution
That is truthy, but not actually true: "What Britain lacks is not a written constitution, but a codified one. "

Interesting, thanks. But I'll stick with truthiness, since it matches what all the pundits have told me. Why should I listen to some Cambridge professor? I'll bet he's never even fucked a dead pig, so what does he know?
posted by klausness at 1:58 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

The BBC have still have not covered the scandal.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 2:24 AM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

David Cameron says he 'will not dignify' claims he put his genitals in the mouth of a dead pig

So, not a 'no' then.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:13 AM on September 22, 2015 [5 favorites]

We have to see the pig's birth certificate in order to establish it was an Englsh pig. If it wasn't a natural born English pig then Cameron is not eligible to be Prime Minister under the Thrombotic Waggle act of 1725.
posted by humanfont at 3:40 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

This is a good summary, especially for those who haven't been gently simmered in the UK's class politics their entire lives.
posted by Happy Dave at 4:09 AM on September 22, 2015 [13 favorites]

The last few months have been a bleak reminder of who really rules Britain. The contrast between the 24/7 Corbyn character assassination, from the self-described liberals at the Guardian as much as anyone else, and the virtual BBC news blackout about this story testifies to this. To me, it backs up the conclusions of this recent Slate piece. You can't trust hereditary and moneyed elites, even if you agree with them on "soft" social or cultural issues. At the level of economics and practical politics—the things that actually matter—their interests are diametrically opposed to yours. Any Oxford- or Cambridge-educated journalist, comedian, or broadcaster should therefore be treated with fundamental distrust. When the interests of the public clash with those of the establishment, they can be expected to back the establishment's side, because that, ultimately, is what they're there for. They are sleeper agents, waiting for the moment when they can amplify the official story or block out narratives that don't fit. While all the time believing that they are just doing the "sensible" thing and what's more, are Good People, because of their social liberalism.

Perhaps the best bit of commentary I've read about how #Hameron fits into this Lawrence Richards's recent piece at The Leveller:

The pig scandal that now has the world laughing at Cameron wasn’t from the Bullingdon Club but the Piers Gaverston, less well-known (until this week), but with a reputation for bizarre sexual rituals and initiation rites. Where the Bullingdon boys built their fraternity around shared values of hating the poor, the Piers Gaverston was about sexual humiliation and the creation of shared secrets. Its structural function is as an agreement of mutually assured destruction between the rulers of tomorrow – I know your secret and you know mine, so let’s stay on the same side, yeah?

This forms one of the core mechanics of the British ruling class – why reveal someone’s dirty little secret when you can keep schtum about it and control them? This forms the basis of the parliamentary whipping system, where the Chief Whip of each respective party is expected to have an arsenal of dirt locked away in their office so that when the time comes, their party leader can ‘whip’ rebellious backbenchers with threats that sometimes include leaking that story about you that you really don’t want to be leaked.

In this elite culture not all corruption is financial. When it comes to the top of British politics, sound character and a clean record do not make you an asset. You’ll have a hard time joining unless they can confirm that you are scum – and can make sure that the public don’t know about it.

The elites really are different from the rest of us, in other words. They are more corrupt, because power itself selects for corruptibility. It's for breaking this vow of silence and revealing just one hint of the corruption at the heart of the British establishment (and the hazing rituals and decades of socialization that maintain it) that Ashcroft has to be punished.

** On preview: beaten to it by three minutes. Still: read the piece. It's good. **
posted by Sonny Jim at 4:12 AM on September 22, 2015 [22 favorites]

Heh. Glad I hit preview, because I was going to link that piece, too. It's good.
posted by skybluepink at 4:18 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

Happy Dave, your link is down. Is another link available?
posted by jadepearl at 5:43 AM on September 22, 2015

That link has been getting heavy Twitter promotion all morning.
posted by skybluepink at 6:06 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

So one thing I've learned over the last couple of days is basically Tom Sharpe's novels featuring the upper classes were documentaries. Underplayed documentaries.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:04 AM on September 22, 2015

From that Leveller link:

When Cameron was at Oxford, he was a member of several secret societies of rich young men. The most famous of these is the Bullingdon Club, after which Yale’s infamous Skull and Bones is fashioned. The aim of the Bullingdon Club is ostensibly to dress up fancy with the chaps, get blind drunk at an expensive restaurant or private dining room, and trash the place – because they can afford to pay for the damages without doing a day’s work. Among their known initiation rites, they are said to have to burn a £50 bill in front of a homeless person.

[That this does not strike us as obviously untrue says something about British elites.]

....Burning money in front of a homeless person isn’t just intended to be a nasty prank, it serves to train a Bullingdon boy’s senses, to make other humans seem somehow less. That David Cameron and his allies George Osborne and Boris Johnson have all done this, and that they have all presided over a sharp spike in homelessness in London and throughout the UK, are not coincidental. The MP who provided Lord Ashcroft with the details of the pig story attended one meeting of the expensive club but left in disgust because ‘it was all about despising poor people’.

About Thatcher's probable cover-up of abuse scandals among her administration/advisors:

In each case, Thatcher is now thought to have been warned by security services about the deviancy of these men, but is alleged to have studiously ignored it. When it comes to secret-keeping and elite power, it is not out of the question that in knowing they were child abusers, Thatcher would have had political leverage over these allies of hers, and so promoting them would have helped her strengthen her own power while in office.

Last week I was reading a little bit of Frederic Jameson (Progress Versus Utopia, if you want to read it) and he observes that a function of science fiction is to give us a sidelong glance at capitalism - that postmodern capitalism is so complex, so vile and so well-mystified that we can only perceive its true daily operations by looking, as it were, out of the corner of our eye.

I think that this Cameron scandal operates like Jamesonian science fiction - it enables us to glimpse, momentarily, the true world of elite rule, where people who rape children are actually handy cabinet members because they're easy to keep in line; and where the ruling class is consolidated through both disgusting and ridiculous rituals and through personalized violence against the poor. There is no dignity of office; "dignity of office" is a fiction kept up to appease the middle class.

The world is a violent and terrible place, and its violence and terror are consciously propagated by our rulers in their own interest. We are constantly trying to weave a comforting scrim over this horrible and terrifying fact.
posted by Frowner at 7:06 AM on September 22, 2015 [34 favorites]

it enables us to glimpse, momentarily, the true world of elite rule, where people who rape children are actually handy cabinet members because they're easy to keep in line

The article fails to mention an important corollary of this: people with dark secrets are vulnerable to co-option not just from their elite colleagues, but from anybody else who knows their skeletons in the cupboard: intelligence services, media controllers and corporate lobbyists spring to mind. In bygone days the dark secret would often be homosexuality or an affair; now that this is accepted in society then we are left with pederasty, bestiality, fraud and gross hypocrisy as the weapons of choice.
posted by rongorongo at 7:51 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

Among their known initiation rites, they are said to have to burn a £50 bill in front of a homeless person.

[That this does not strike us as obviously untrue says something about British elites.]

From the Thatcherite 1980s, I dimly remember working-class London loadsamoney football fans waving five pound notes at working-class football fans from the Midlands and North of England, the latter laid off as the direct result of the economic policies of St Margaret.
posted by Mister Bijou at 7:55 AM on September 22, 2015 [8 favorites]

Homo homini lupus.
posted by acb at 8:09 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

I hope that all the little Crabbes, Goyles, and Malfoys who are currently in these Oxford criminal societies are right now being mocked and shunned by everyone else at the school. I hope that they can't go a single minute without hearing someone whisper something like "pigfucker hey look at that pigfucker over there that guy's a literal pigfucker." I hope their fancy cars get "pigfucker" scratched into them and I hope that someone breaks into their closets to spraypaint "pigfucker" on all of their fancy clothes. Anyone who says that actions along these lines count as "bullying" are willfully failing to acknowledge power relations. these thugs didn't choose to be born privileged, but they did choose to abuse their privilege in the shittiest possible way, and to willingly associate with the absolute worst members of their class. Because their wealth and connections put them above the law, they must be suppressed by extralegal means.
The insight into the real workings of parliamentary "democracy" granted by the combination of this story and the story of parliament and the press utterly losing their shit over Corbyn overspending by 30 pounds — 20 less than your average Bullingdon boy literally burns in a literal night — has me for the first time in my life unironically shouting "ALL POWER TO THE SOVIETS."

posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 8:49 AM on September 22, 2015 [13 favorites]

Corbyn overspending by 30 pounds

£3.45. And that earns him a damning story in the Sun. You really couldn't make this up.
posted by Sonny Jim at 9:42 AM on September 22, 2015 [11 favorites]

I dunno how you missed Rowling's compassion, You Can't Tip A .
posted by hawthorne at 9:57 AM on September 22, 2015

there is a difference between "nice" and "good," Hawthorne. some good acts aren't nice at all. some nice acts are bad.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 11:06 AM on September 22, 2015

I had to read the Corbyn-overspends-by-£3.45 story three times to understand it: it's very carefully written so that a quick skim gives the impression there was a £2-3 thousand discrepancy. Neatly done, actually.

The thing about the current Oxbridge elite is that the press was never part of it until about 15-20 years ago. Up until then journalists had to come up through the industry, starting their career covering fete openings, lost cats, marriages and funerals for local papers, getting gradually promoted, acquiring experience and nous along the way till they were in a position to work on major stories. The profession was as open to someone joining the paper as a 16 year old as to a graduate - and the newly hired graduate and the newly hired school leaver would both begin their professional lives covering the same little local stories. It's striking, reading obituaries of respected octogenarian journalists, how most of them came up through the industry. I am very vague in my brain and never remember names - but it is striking. Never a degree among them.

The contemporary newspaper-based Oxbridge-educated press is massively more homogeneous than it has ever been I think. Which may be why the establishment has been able to consolidate itself so securely these past 20 years without hardly attracting attention. But having been through the fiercely contested mechanical print revolution of the 70-80s, now that we're in the middle of social media-based change I doubt if we're more than halfway through the process: who knows what will be left at the end. Maybe pervasive distrust of official news sources?* I mean, from everybody, not just mefi-like clevers.

About Thatcher and having something on her ministers - really I don't think so. For one thing she didn't go through the public school system: she couldn't have, as a woman. She was always an outsider, never in the clique, never part of the network. Which actually, and there's an odd similarity with Corbyn here, took her to the leadership of the party while the big wigs were doing their infighting.

Also, there was so much sexual naivety in mainstream life in those days. My mother was born in the same year as Thatcher, she had the attitudes of her generation and she was, to me, extraordinarily innocent. As I am to my own children no doubt. But I bet Thatcher would have had to have had anything other than missionary position sex explained to her with diagrams.

*Then in Britain we'll all be like people in most other countries who didn't grow up with Auntie and don't extend the warm comfort and trust of listening to the Shipping Forecast etc to the rest of the national broadcaster's output.
posted by glasseyes at 11:16 AM on September 22, 2015 [7 favorites]

One of the first things I wondered upon reading about this was "What would Malcolm Tucker do?". And I guess this is about as close as we'll get to knowing.
posted by doop at 12:08 PM on September 22, 2015

About Thatcher and having something on her ministers - really I don't think so. For one thing she didn't go through the public school system: she couldn't have, as a woman. She was always an outsider, never in the clique, never part of the network.

Which probably goes some way towards explaining her rapport with Rupert Murdoch.
posted by acb at 2:34 PM on September 22, 2015

One of the first things I wondered upon reading about this was "What would Malcolm Tucker do?". And I guess this is about as close as we'll get to knowing.

Except that the Tucker character was supposed to be based on Alastair Campbell's persona (not Brown's spinmeister Damian McBride). Campbell was fairly restrained on Twitter.
posted by Nevin at 5:39 PM on September 22, 2015

I've always hoped that someone would find an excuse to revive Jesse Armstrong's 2010 election column written in the voice of Malcolm Tucker. Fingers crossed!
posted by figurant at 8:44 PM on September 22, 2015

control-f fuckingham palace oh well
posted by nom de poop at 11:19 PM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

taterpie: "This Wednesday's PMQ is going to be AMAZING."

Tragically, the House of Commons adjourned last Thursday for one of its scheduled recesses and will not return until October 12th.
posted by Rhaomi at 12:13 AM on September 23, 2015

Watching that Black Mirror on 4OD, be amazing if David Cameron fucked a pig, the dirt— Daniel Holmes (@DannyHolmes93) December 20, 2011

@DannyHolmes93 this is going to get about 15k retweets, prepare yourself lad.— Brad III (@bradcuhz) September 20, 2015

@bradcuhz the fucks going on? Has he fucked a pig?— Daniel Holmes (@DannyHolmes93) September 20, 2015

The whole conversation is delightful tbh
posted by Elementary Penguin at 5:15 AM on September 23, 2015 [5 favorites]

Unfortunate timing is unfortunate.
posted by Wordshore at 6:12 AM on September 23, 2015

Nick Richardson, head of the Piers Gaveston Society in the early 2000s, explains what it's all about.

tl;dr Young people doing drugs, dancing and having sex, and being very boastful about it.
posted by Kattullus at 2:55 PM on September 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

From Richardson's article, regarding a post-Cameron party that sounds like the kind of thing you'd like if you like that sort of thing - that is, much better to read about than to attend, unless you have a quick ride home when everyone else is too smashed/high/creepy to be fun:

No one, as far as I know, fucked a pig’s head. But if they had it wouldn’t have mattered (provided it was consensual). Fucking a pig’s head is not what makes David Cameron a rubbish prime minister.

Which seems like a reasonable statement.

I give him points for actually saying "fucked a pig's head", which most people writing on this subject in respectable places have not.
posted by Frowner at 3:07 PM on September 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

If Porkergate happened at all, it was almost certainly at a party and not at dinner

This seems like a strange distinction to me. I dunno, I went to college at the height of the mainstreaming of rave culture, so I understand it's difficult to imagine a drunken, drug-fueled bacchanalia that doesn't involve a secret location and, like, tree people on stilts and dudes in latex body suits and Acid House music, but the fact that the alleged dead pig in question was cooked leads to the rational conclusion that it was a dinner table centerpiece. WTF other kind of party features a cooked pigs head?
posted by muddgirl at 4:11 PM on September 23, 2015

It's not like they were having tea with the queen or anything. Probably.
posted by Artw at 4:14 PM on September 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

Had it been cooked recently, or had it been preserved and used as a mask or prop for some time beforehand (which would suggest an established ritual)?
posted by acb at 4:21 PM on September 23, 2015

Well according to Nick Richardson, they're not a secret society so much as a party hosting committee without rituals or initiation ceremonies.
posted by muddgirl at 4:23 PM on September 23, 2015

Richardson wasn't a contemporary of Cameron, though - he's younger by a good bit and says himself that he took things over when a bunch of people left at once. (Also, he obviously has an interest, as a presumed upper-class twat, in making the whole thing look more egalitarian and less hateful than it probably is...note all the emphasis on how one "didn't have to be posh", etc.) Cameron would have been in the society in the eighties, twenty years ago, well pre-rave culture. Posh dinner with cocaine and a little pig-head fucking in 1985 is completely compatible with ravey parties at someone's decayed country place in the late 2000s.
posted by Frowner at 4:32 PM on September 23, 2015 [8 favorites]

thirty years ago

(you old)
posted by Sys Rq at 5:00 PM on September 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

Cameron would have been in the society in the eighties, twenty years ago, well pre-rave culture.

Although he seems older, he apparently graduated in 1988, right at the start of rave culture. In fact, can we say for certain that David Cameron wasn't a key figure in the Second Summer of Love? Could he be the "Sleezy D" responsible for that year's big hit I've Lost Control?

He's not denied it.
posted by Pink Frost at 5:16 PM on September 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

The pig has gone on record as saying it was young and needed the money, but even after all these years it still feels filthy for letting itself be touched by a Cameron.
posted by happyroach at 5:20 PM on September 23, 2015 [5 favorites]

(you old)

I was nowhere near old enough to be snorting cocaine and fucking pigs' heads in the eighties, I'll have you know.
posted by Frowner at 5:27 PM on September 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

Frowner: Although he seems older, he apparently graduated in 1988, right at the start of rave culture. In fact, can we say for certain that David Cameron wasn't a key figure in the Second Summer of Love?

So what you're saying is that the tail end of his time at Oxford coincided with the Second Summer of Love?
posted by Len at 10:54 AM on September 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

Labour deputy leader Tom Watson is asked the question (among many others)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 5:49 AM on September 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

Cameron’s piggy is in the middle of a question we’re not asking

Stewart Lee, brilliant as ever, on Piggate
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 11:42 AM on September 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

Laurie Penny: What David Cameron did to the pig, his party is now doing to the country. There is a reason David Cameron is allowed to hold office when everyone assumes he spent the 1980s getting up to weird things with pork, but Jeremy Corbyn is considered unelectable because he didn’t sing the national anthem last week.
posted by homunculus at 7:11 PM on September 27, 2015 [4 favorites]

So the atheist didn't fuck the pig and the nut did. Now what?
posted by five fresh fish at 7:25 PM on September 27, 2015

Cameron’s piggy is in the middle of a question we’re not asking

"[Cameron] was always just a useful plasticine man with no real opinions, and no vision, remorphed periodically to fit the shape of prevailing trends."

Although this possibly comes from Stew's occasionally inscrutable meta-irony, I came to a similar conclusion during the last general election - that Dave wasn't so much a Tory Prime Minister, as someone who had been hired to perform the role of Prime Minister. I generally invoke Trevor from Iron Man 3, here, but a surprisingly small number of people have seen it (sad, really, because I think it might be the best of the three. Anyway...) Cameron's job was to provide a plausible cover for a number of ideological fetishists. Perhaps he's outlived his usefulness in that department, now.
posted by Grangousier at 3:38 AM on September 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

tbh, that could be said of pretty much any mainstream politician these days. They're puppets for the financial markets, and this is why outsiders like Corbyn are so viciously attacked. He doesn't have a hole they can stick their hand in (and speaking of holes, no pictures of him going all Sexy Losers, so, easy to blackmail) and must be made "unelectable" even by the puppets in their own party.
posted by lmfsilva at 4:14 AM on September 29, 2015

No, I don't think it could, actually. It's not true of Blair, definitely not Brown. It's probably true of Bush II, possibly post-senility Reagan. But I think most politicians who reach the position of leader of their parties are politicians first, who have had a makeover (and the spectre of "electability" is hung over them to make them conform to the Standard IMF Economic Plan). What sets Cameron apart is that he is, first and foremost, a public image who has been engaged by the Tory party to perform the role of leader. His only aim was to enter Downing Street, and I'm now convinced that he didn't have any pressing need to do anything when he'd got there. Becoming Prime Minister was his endgame, and he's now living out the statutory period until he can retire and pick up directorships.

It must be said it's worked quite well for him, and may well continue to do so until the point shortly before the next general election when he gives the job up to spend more time with his money. It very much depends on whether Corbyn (who is literally his opposite in this regard) takes off in any significant way.
posted by Grangousier at 4:27 AM on September 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Ah, yes, I kind of misinterpreted what you said.
posted by lmfsilva at 4:39 AM on September 29, 2015

I think Blair was that manufactured public image, it's just he did it himself then latched on to whatever ideology would give him the best chance at being in power.

It's funny how much Corbyn really is the complete opposite of this.
I remember many times throughout the 90s where he was used as the prime example of a constituency MP who had no designs on power or national exposure.
Watching the establishment trying to deal with him is like watching an ED-209 encountering stairs.
posted by fullerine at 5:18 AM on September 29, 2015 [6 favorites]

The BBC coverage of the Labour Party conference on the News at 10 last night devolved into a journalist practically shouting at John McDonnell, using the kind of stern, othering tone usually reserved for inscrutable orientals or Middle Eastern militias. Masks of journalistic objectivity: they are well and truly lying on the ground.
posted by Sonny Jim at 5:41 AM on September 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Speaking of Corbyn, I just threw together this stupid and very rusty bot to make up attack headlines, because the hyperbole of their attacks made me laugh.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 5:43 AM on September 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Those are good, but after the Jeremy Corbyn Sex Dwarf Eaten by Otters front-page splash [Sunday Sport link advisory], satire seems somehow redundant.
posted by Sonny Jim at 5:49 AM on September 29, 2015 [8 favorites]

I somehow missed that headline, I've added it to the section which just prints out real, but absurd headlines.

I was briefly concerned that it was lazy and easy satire, but then I realised that I was very lazy and it was easy, so I went for it anyway.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 5:58 AM on September 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

Sonny Jim, the worst part of that cover to me is that the doppelganger was marching with the EDL!

In which case, otters is too good for 'im!
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 10:20 AM on September 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

all of my hopes and dreams for the future of masked british government protests have come to glorious fruition
posted by poffin boffin at 7:55 AM on October 7, 2015 [5 favorites]

Cameron's Pig on Twitter.
posted by homunculus at 5:27 PM on October 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

I don't know if this is the best place for it, but... did it strike anyone else that the anti-Corbyn bit of Cameron's speech ("anti-British ... terrorist-loving" etc) was just desperate? One of the most desperate things I've ever heard come out of a politician's mouth, in its sheer over-the-topness. Given that I agree with the notion that the broad swathe of middle England voters are probably out of sympathy with Corbyn anyway, I can't see why such a cartoon rant was even necessary.
posted by Grangousier at 5:01 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]

Oh, it's all increasingly desperate.
posted by Artw at 5:08 PM on October 10, 2015

I'll summarize the story here for anyone who missed it :

England nobility had always abused the common folk, including sexually of course. I donno if they were worse than nobles elsewhere in Europe, but blow back created the Puritans. Of course, the Puritans were kicked out and sent to America by these same nobles, influencing America's prudishness and class attitudes.

France executed their royalty, inventing more benign class games. England stayed the course, eventually developing this "We shall rule together because we could destroy one another" Eaton-Bombardier culture.

Margaret Thatcher intentionally appointed some pedophiles to important positions in her government because she knew they would be more loyal since she could destroy them easily. Apparently this continued after Thatcher, hence Ben Fellows' story, OpDeathEaters, etc.

Also, Charlie Brooker makes Black Mirror after hearing about a typical team building exercise amongst the Eaton-Bombardier set.

Now Lord Ashcroft knows all about the pig fucking. Yet, he bought into this American-Puritan idea that your social class is your net worth, not your willingness to fuck pigs or kids with your Eaton pals. Ashcroft gets mad at David Cameron, ultimately because Cameron has this different view of social class. Ashcroft tells the press greater specifics he knows about something he imagine everyone knows by now.

And that's why today we give all right wing MPs the honorific "Pig Fucker".
posted by jeffburdges at 8:47 PM on October 10, 2015

Eaton?
posted by Grangousier at 12:21 AM on October 11, 2015

PSA: The House of Commons is back in session, and Jeremy Corbyn's second go at PMQs will be today at noon London time. He'll be drawing on questions from the public again, but doing so to foster a spirit of civility, so unless John Oliver's #RespectfulInterspeciesFacefuck campaign turns up an impossibly polite turn of phrase, there will be no porcine queries from Jez in this brave post-Hameron world. (No promises about the backbenchers, tho).
posted by Rhaomi at 12:45 AM on October 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

Oh snap.

"Will the Prime Minister confirm today that Scotland will receive our fair share of this funding, or are we seeing another 'pig in a poke' from this supposed 'One Nation' government?"

Bit on the nose, but good work.
posted by Happy Dave at 8:08 AM on October 14, 2015 [7 favorites]

If you want a blast from he past, I recommend reading Chicken George by PooptyPeanutz on kur05hin.org way back in 2005.
posted by jeffburdges at 3:16 PM on October 14, 2015

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Bae of Pigs
September 20, 2015 5:49 PM Subscribe