Finally, A Bread Fit For The Kwisatz Haderach

December 4, 2015 8:25 AM

Dune Week: Spice Filled Sandworm. Now, you too can make a proud, impressive, spice-scented Great Maker of Arrakis. May his rising cleanse the world, or at least your kitchen. [Dune on Fanfare]
posted by gregglind (72 comments total)

I laud his creativity but I'd have a hard time eating something whose "face" looks like an anus with teeth.
posted by Kitteh at 8:32 AM on December 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

I will make this next week and report back.
posted by curious nu at 8:37 AM on December 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

THIS IS THE BEST PASTRY

kull wahad
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 8:37 AM on December 4, 2015 [11 favorites]

Kitteh, it's an anti-predatory adaptation. Just like star nosed mole rats, which no other animal will ever eat because, eww, gross.
posted by mccarty.tim at 8:38 AM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

i am profoundly moved
posted by poffin boffin at 8:39 AM on December 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

DAMMIT sandettie
posted by poffin boffin at 8:39 AM on December 4, 2015

From the bottom of that page: "It's Muad'delicious!"
posted by hototogisu at 8:40 AM on December 4, 2015 [23 favorites]

Awfully high hydration ratio, though.
posted by mccarty.tim at 8:42 AM on December 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

Desert Dessert!
posted by He Is Only The Imposter at 8:43 AM on December 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

In earlier days this was known among the malls and food courts of Poritrin, Salusa Secundus, and Rossak as a "Zensunnibon".
posted by cortex at 8:44 AM on December 4, 2015 [24 favorites]

This is great.
posted by OmieWise at 8:44 AM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

Well, that's the best thing ever.
posted by nzero at 8:45 AM on December 4, 2015

Kull wahad!
posted by Iridic at 8:45 AM on December 4, 2015

it's disappointing that none of these photos have a warpug in them
posted by rorgy at 8:45 AM on December 4, 2015 [4 favorites]

I must not gluten. Gluten is the mind-killer. Gluten is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my gluten. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the gluten has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

posted by Fizz at 8:46 AM on December 4, 2015 [7 favorites]

I have to take exception with the directions a little. The first step is, for some reason, "mix the yeast and warm water" when I'm pretty sure the proper form is "give water to the bread".
posted by cortex at 8:46 AM on December 4, 2015 [50 favorites]

[dammit]
posted by Iridic at 8:46 AM on December 4, 2015

Desert Dessert!

"Arrakis, the dessert planet..."

(OK, that's Doon, but still.)
posted by Four Ds at 8:49 AM on December 4, 2015 [5 favorites]

Kwheatsatz Haderye
posted by rorgy at 8:51 AM on December 4, 2015 [5 favorites]

I would be more enthusiastic about this if I had never seen a microphoto of a tapeworm head.
posted by aught at 8:52 AM on December 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Next step: Fill the inside with cinnamon whiskey jelly and pretend it's the Water of Life.
posted by Strange Interlude at 9:05 AM on December 4, 2015 [7 favorites]

Bless the Maker and His *mumph* water.
Bless the *nom* coming and going of Him.
May His passage cleanse the world.
May He keep the *chomp* world for His people.
*burp*
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:05 AM on December 4, 2015 [5 favorites]

Of course, you may have guests who need a gluten-free dessert, in which case it's polite to provide an alternative dish. Consider preparing a refreshing Frank Sherbert.
posted by cortex at 9:07 AM on December 4, 2015 [34 favorites]

Puns against humanity, cortex.
posted by tocts at 9:09 AM on December 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

I can see you are one who knows the yeasting way.

Of course, you may have guests who need a gluten-free dessert, in which case it's polite to provide an alternative dish. Consider preparing a refreshing Frank Sherbert.

Be sure to avoid the Brian Sherbert, though. So many disgusting artificial flavorings for a sugar-free dessert that fails to remotely resemble the thing people actually love.
posted by rorgy at 9:10 AM on December 4, 2015 [11 favorites]

Paul eats delicious spice cookies. They give him energy for his special training. You can make some cookies that will give you energy too.
posted by usonian at 9:12 AM on December 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Father! The starter has arisen!
posted by cortex at 9:15 AM on December 4, 2015 [20 favorites]

Tell me of the bakers of your homeworld.
posted by Songdog at 9:16 AM on December 4, 2015 [10 favorites]

Our fathers ate manna in the desert,
In the burning places we whirlwinds came.
Lord, save us from that horrible land!
Save us…Oh-H-H-H, save us
From the dry and thirsty land.

(was originally gonna grab a Gurney song and edit it, then realized that with this one I really didn't have to)
posted by rorgy at 9:17 AM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

May your baking stone chip and shatter.
posted by middleclasstool at 9:20 AM on December 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

OHHHH-H-H-H,
the Galacian rye works well in a pie,
and the Arrakeen as a soft roll!
But if you desire bread that'll rise like the dead,
Try to bake a Caladanian casserole!
posted by rorgy at 9:21 AM on December 4, 2015 [4 favorites]

The Imperium runs on Dunkin' Idaho.
posted by Songdog at 9:22 AM on December 4, 2015 [12 favorites]

You shall be known as Cereal, which is the strength of the base of the food pyramid.
posted by Songdog at 9:24 AM on December 4, 2015 [10 favorites]

can we just have one thread every month that is titled $TOPIC + DUNE PUNS
posted by poffin boffin at 9:28 AM on December 4, 2015 [27 favorites]

I dunno if we can convince the guy who runs the place to do something like th—WAIT A SECOND
posted by cortex at 9:29 AM on December 4, 2015 [19 favorites]

you're making a random topic generator right now aren't you.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:30 AM on December 4, 2015 [5 favorites]

gom jabbar, moar liek NOM jabbar, amirite guise?
posted by juv3nal at 9:30 AM on December 4, 2015 [11 favorites]

A loaf is supported by four things ... the leavening of the yeast, the protein of the wheat, the hydration of the water and the savor of the salt. But all of these are as nothing ... without a loafer who knows the art of pinching. Make that the science of your tradition!
posted by middleclasstool at 9:32 AM on December 4, 2015 [4 favorites]

This is forecasting about two years in advance, but I wouldn't mind a FanFare viewing of Twin Peaks that presupposes Agent Cooper and Big Ed are, in fact, Paul and Stilgar, brought here by some combination of spice overdose and demon mischief.
posted by rorgy at 9:32 AM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

I still return to The Big Atreides on roughly a monthly basis. *grabs popcorn, pulls up a chair*
posted by Eideteker at 9:38 AM on December 4, 2015

After your friends take their Pintrest shots, treat it like a baby worm you’re melting into the Water of Life. Wait, don’t. Soaking it in a puddle won’t help the flavor. Instead, cut it into rings and drizzle a little more glaze on each slice.

If only fat, sugar, and carbs could extend life and broaden the mind without an infusion of the spice melange.

The Force is strong in this one.
posted by theora55 at 9:44 AM on December 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

I laud his creativity but I'd have a hard time eating something whose "face" looks like an anus with teeth.

Then your really don't want to know about lamprey pie.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:46 AM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

If you need a beverage to pair with this, you can't go wrong with something piping hot from the Tleilaxu axolatte tanks.
posted by cortex at 9:49 AM on December 4, 2015 [7 favorites]

gom jabbar, moar liek NOM jabbar, amirite guise?

It's finger-prickin' good!
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 9:50 AM on December 4, 2015 [8 favorites]

What's in the box?

Pain
posted by cortex at 9:56 AM on December 4, 2015 [25 favorites]

There is a shop in my neighborhood that sells a pumpkin fudge around Thanksgiving. It's a sort of tan-orange, very chewy, and comes in chewing-tobacco like plugs. I feel like this is as close as I will ever get to eating the spice melange.


Now, if only they would take my advice and add hash to it, so I could actually see through time.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:56 AM on December 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

If you need a beverage to pair with this, you can't go wrong with something piping hot from the Tleilaxu axolatte tanks.

Might a suggest a lovely glass of your own condensation, freshly drawn from your stillsuit?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:57 AM on December 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

Of course, you may have guests who need a gluten-free dessert, in which case it's polite to provide an alternative dish. Consider preparing a refreshing Frank Sherbert.

You might like it enough that you go back for more and find a recipe for Brian Sherbert, but don't be fooled: you'll end up with an ice cream dish full of ball bearings soaking in kerosene.
posted by Mayor West at 9:58 AM on December 4, 2015

If you need a beverage to pair with this, you can't go wrong with something piping hot from the Tleilaxu axolatte tanks.

Considering what axolotl tanks turn out to be... ew.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:00 AM on December 4, 2015 [4 favorites]

and how can this be?
posted by French Fry at 10:00 AM on December 4, 2015

It's good with a side of kumquat Haagen-Dazs.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:04 AM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

My NOM is a killing word
posted by French Fry at 10:05 AM on December 4, 2015 [9 favorites]

I suppose I'm going to have to make this now.....
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:09 AM on December 4, 2015 [4 favorites]

The proximity of a desirable thing tempts one to overindulgence. On that path lies danger. And deliciousness.
posted by nubs at 10:13 AM on December 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Anyone have a good recipe for Kwisatz Rugelach?
posted by zamboni at 10:21 AM on December 4, 2015 [14 favorites]

Anyone have a good recipe for Kwisatz Rugelach?

The key thing is you can't use butter; instead you need to substitute in a condensed oil made from the strained liquid of the milk of an Arrakeen goat.

That is to say, the shortening of the whey.
posted by cortex at 10:34 AM on December 4, 2015 [25 favorites]

Need more Dune recipes?

Why, yes. YES I DO!
posted by blurker at 10:34 AM on December 4, 2015

Also, I am losing my shit over here, cortex. Seriously.
posted by blurker at 10:35 AM on December 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

Coming to next year's April Fool's - DuneFilter. Professional tan background with an occasional sandworm.
posted by mogget at 10:57 AM on December 4, 2015 [6 favorites]

If you need a beverage to pair with this, you can't go wrong with something piping hot from the Tleilaxu axolatte tanks.

Considering what axolotl tanks turn out to be... ew.

It turns out that the Starbucks division of CHOAM has some rather eye-opening fine print on their offer of free college tuition for employees.
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:58 AM on December 4, 2015 [6 favorites]

"I've got a tall no-room Americano for...Gaius Karen Mohawk?"
posted by cortex at 11:05 AM on December 4, 2015 [6 favorites]

What's in the box?

Pain

Well, only in French, but OK.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:26 AM on December 4, 2015 [16 favorites]

Yeast. Dammit, yeast. That's what I forgot at the grocery store.

Man, I had plans! Plans within plans!
posted by nat at 11:41 AM on December 4, 2015

These Dune puns... I feel like my flesh (and awareness) has been sandblasted by a divine storm.

THANK YOU.
posted by LegallyBread at 11:55 AM on December 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

One thought remained to him. Leto saw it in formless light on rays of black: The bread the baker shapes and the baker the bread shapes. The thought struck him with a sense of fullness he knew he could never explain...
posted by Iridic at 12:10 PM on December 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

He who can overcook a thing, controls a thing.
posted by cortex at 12:13 PM on December 4, 2015 [6 favorites]

Tell me of your cornbread, Usul
posted by Auden at 12:36 PM on December 4, 2015 [5 favorites]

Whatever, they sell these at every Dunkin Idahos.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 12:43 PM on December 4, 2015 [6 favorites]

Paul: What do you call the mouse shadow on the second moon?

Stilgar: We call that one, Muad'Dib

Paul: Could I be known as Paul Muad'Dib?

Stilgar: No. Have a pastry. They're delicious.
posted by Auden at 1:14 PM on December 4, 2015 [7 favorites]

I love you guys so much. Anytime I see anything Dune-related, I know I can expect the most fabulous puns in the comments, and I will read them and laugh, and think to myself "Damn - I wish I'd thought of that one!"
posted by ninazer0 at 12:10 AM on December 5, 2015

Hrm. You could do a savoury version of this like the Chandu tiger tails at Disney Tokyo. Steamed dough, shredded chicken filling, oil and Sar'dukkah for dipping.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 3:06 AM on December 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

I made this last night and, misreading the directions, put the filling ingredients into the dough... and then had to make up more of the filling (using garam masala). Double spice + double butter = mind altering, mouth watering devotion. Plus a lemon glaze!
posted by mrcrow at 10:46 PM on December 12, 2015