I Want You to Be Nice Until It's Time to Not Be Nice.

January 30, 2016 12:22 AM

The Presidential Candidates Ranked By Their Usefulness In A Bar Fight: Kasich is the guy who shows up to the bar in business casual and turns out to be carrying a butterfly knife. He’s the guy who scares the piss out of everyone by wading into the deepest part of the fray while swinging double-fist thunderpunches and screaming an extemporaneous sermon. He’s the guy carving tattoos into his own arm with a broken bottle, the guy who palmed a handful of darts twenty freaking minutes before you even sensed there would be a fight, the guy who is slamming someone’s head into the bar long after the fight is over, screaming “Taste it! Taste it!” You do not want Kasich in any sort of a leadership position ever, but you definitely want him on your side in a bar fight.
posted by scaryblackdeath (86 comments total)

Amazing!
posted by foodgeek at 12:30 AM on January 30, 2016

The Rubio picture they chose is perfection.
posted by benito.strauss at 12:46 AM on January 30, 2016 [5 favorites]

Getting an endorsement from Lindsay Graham is about as helpful as being backed up in a bar fight by Lindsey Graham.

very helpful?
posted by the man of twists and turns at 12:50 AM on January 30, 2016

All the photos are great. Thanks for posting this!
posted by orrnyereg at 12:52 AM on January 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

I haven't been in a fight for like 20 years but surely it's not possible to whirl a bike chain.

Otherwise an excellent, useful and highly illuminating guide to form.
posted by howfar at 1:13 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

"[Rand Paul is] what we now call a Libertarian, but we used to call an asshole."

LOL

These are awesome. Thanks for posting.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 2:08 AM on January 30, 2016 [22 favorites]

Trump would probably get his driver to run you over after the bar fight so...
posted by lineofsight at 3:08 AM on January 30, 2016 [10 favorites]

[Lindsey Graham] will take on three guys if he has to. Hell, he may take on three guys just for the sheer pleasure of it.

He's the Gareth Keenan of the GOP — could kill a man with a single blow.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 3:14 AM on January 30, 2016

Lindsey Graham was ranked way too high. He would hide under a table at the first sign of trouble and yell out encouraging words to those actually doing the fighting. (As would most of the Republicans, now that I think about it.) Ben Carson is ranked too low. He actually has some experience and will stab anyone who doesn't have a belt on. Just one more reason not to wear suspenders.
posted by TedW at 3:27 AM on January 30, 2016 [8 favorites]

I would also have ranked Carson higher, just because he crazy.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:51 AM on January 30, 2016 [6 favorites]

Also, it's too bad Jim Webb withdrew from the race, because he was a decorated Marine.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:54 AM on January 30, 2016 [13 favorites]

For those who enjoyed this: In a Mass Knife Fight to the Death Between Every American President, Who Would Win and Why?
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 5:17 AM on January 30, 2016 [8 favorites]

Ben Carson might just try to convince the brawlers to turn their attention to you.
posted by drezdn at 5:20 AM on January 30, 2016 [6 favorites]

Metafilter: isn’t on your side in a bar fight. [Metafilter] is your side in a bar fight.
posted by blue_beetle at 5:23 AM on January 30, 2016 [5 favorites]

As one who avoids the whole political mess for the most part, will not watch debates, and will sadly vote for whomever the Dems end up with to avoid any clown coming out of the Republican clown car, this was refreshing fun. You have to laugh or else American politics are too pathetic and make you cry. I would like to see this bar fight, and smash some chairs over a few misogynist, homophobic , racist heads.
posted by mermayd at 5:33 AM on January 30, 2016 [6 favorites]

Please someone photoshop JEB in the "Victorian fisticuffs pose".
posted by octothorpe at 5:34 AM on January 30, 2016 [13 favorites]

I kind of feel like Ted Cruz should have been #1. I mean, he's so disliked that, in a barfight, everyone is likely to leave you alone and beat-up Ted, giving you ample opportunity to simply walk out of the bar and escape untouched.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:36 AM on January 30, 2016 [25 favorites]

That was just about perfect. Well, you can't whirl a bike chain, but the rest of it was perfect.
posted by Bringer Tom at 5:48 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

surely it's not possible to whirl a bike chain.
Well, you can't whirl a bike chain, but the rest of it was perfect.

It's my understanding that bike chains are useful weapons in bar fights. Assume this is a length of bike chain and not a loop of bike chain. You can swing them like a whip in one direction, but turn them 90 degrees and you can swing them like a club.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 5:59 AM on January 30, 2016 [7 favorites]

I'm not sure why Ben Carson wasn't number one. Apparently these guys have not heard his stories about how as a teenager he was in fights with rocks, bricks, bats, and hammers, not to mention the time he tried to stab someone.
posted by blucevalo at 6:00 AM on January 30, 2016

Clicked to make sure Hilldawg was in the #1 spot. Left satisfied.
posted by spitefulcrow at 6:36 AM on January 30, 2016 [8 favorites]

If only Elizabeth Warren was running--# 1 all the way--agility, poise, knock out punches, a disarming smile before striking. I would go anywhere with her.
posted by rmhsinc at 6:36 AM on January 30, 2016 [6 favorites]

Some of the whimsical observations left me a little uncomfortable for reasons that touch on both my politically semi-liberal and religiously semi-conservative sides, but this was pretty funny, and somehow I knew when I saw Trump ranked low that Clinton would rank high, and I agree with both observations.

And for Trump, I think we have at least anecdotal evidence to back this up - the way the man has whined about metaphorical punches, real and imagined, thrown at him by people who can't really hurt him.
posted by randomkeystrike at 6:38 AM on January 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

For those who enjoyed this: In a Mass Knife Fight to the Death Between Every American President, Who Would Win and Why?

Have not read this but the only answer is Teddy F'ckn Roosevelt. Dude was shot in the chest -- finishes speech.
posted by sammyo at 6:41 AM on January 30, 2016 [13 favorites]

Enjoyed the article, but I got the sense the author had the list in the order they wanted before they figured out why to put them there.

I did somewhat enjoy the mental image of Hillary Clinton whirling a chain over her head, until Bringer Tom pointed out it was a bicycle chain. Ouch.
posted by Mooski at 6:47 AM on January 30, 2016

It's a whirlable bicycle chain, guys. Specially designed for whirling.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:55 AM on January 30, 2016 [7 favorites]

MetaFilter: Specially designed for whirling.
posted by spitefulcrow at 7:05 AM on January 30, 2016 [15 favorites]

You guys know that some motorcycles are driven by chains, right? And while I am about as far as anyone from being someone with biker bar brawl experience, Hunter Thompson talks about it a bit in Hell's Angels.
posted by indubitable at 7:06 AM on January 30, 2016 [5 favorites]

This is superb!

Paul claims to be a libertarian, but he’s not the old-fashioned kind who cares about individual freedoms on principle. He’s one of the new kind of “Libertarians” who care deeply about their own you’re-not-the-boss-of-me manbaby freedoms, but are fine with legislating women’s bodies and letting other people in general lose their voting rights and/or die horribly, right along with schools and sidewalks. Paul also got in hot water a few years ago for saying that he doesn’t think passing the Civil Rights Act was such a hot idea. So he’s what we now call a Libertarian, but we used to call an asshole.

Like rmhsinc, I'm sorry Elizabeth Warren isn't in the race only because I'd love to see where she'd rank in this list (otherwise, I'd lose all respect for her if she decided to leap into the pigsty, I mean ring).
posted by languagehat at 7:06 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

Always whirling, whirling, whirling toward freedom.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:22 AM on January 30, 2016 [12 favorites]

Hunter Thompson talks about it a bit in Hell's Angels

Now there's the voice of reason.
posted by peeedro at 7:23 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

Okay, so is "bar fight" a code for "fighting dirty is a-okay?"
posted by jfwlucy at 7:28 AM on January 30, 2016

Following this link on my phone delivers me to www.best-iphone6s.com which gives a browser alert with no alternative but to press OK. I can kill the browser, but when I restart it, it automatically goes to the same site before I have any opportunity to select a different destination. I rebooted my phone, but the browser remembers the URL through the reboot and still redirects.

Can anybody tell me how to take back my phone from this site?
posted by rlk at 7:39 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

I had the same thing happen, rik, and just had to keep shutting down Safari and then going back into it until I could "catch" the moment where I could open a new window and close the old one with the redirect.
posted by PussKillian at 7:42 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

Oh, is Apple ever going to get their head out of their ass and fix this browser redirect bullshit?
posted by leotrotsky at 7:47 AM on January 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

Sad that Iraq war vet Tammy Duckworth isn't running this year. That would be awesome.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:55 AM on January 30, 2016 [5 favorites]

Sorry to further this super dorky derail, but we're talking about the chain *with which you lock up* a bike, not the chain running between the gears of a bike, right? Much more whirlable.
posted by ominous_paws at 8:00 AM on January 30, 2016 [21 favorites]

I'm sorry, Hil's tough and mean fer sure but well a girl and The Bern might have a moment of 'berserker oh shit', but he's like old man. Most of the grand old party guys would not be caught dead in that kind of a bar anyway. Jeb might be big but, wimp out, sheesh! So there's only one candidate to stand behind in a bar brawl and that's the guy from New Jersey. And I don't think he'd be carrying a chain...
posted by sammyo at 8:32 AM on January 30, 2016

Amongst previous candidates I think Senator Bill Bradley would have been an intimidating choice...
posted by jim in austin at 8:34 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

Okay but here's the thing, in the pic at the top I was like WTF IS GOING ON WITH RUBIO AND JEB AND O'MALLEY and then when I got to O'Malley in the list and could see a bit more of the picture I was like oh, I get it, they're going to make some point about his physique, and there's probably some relevance to Jeb and the hoodie too. BUT NO, THEY JUST CHOSE THOSE FOR NO REASON. What is even going ON in... I can't even.

This has in no way impeded my enjoyment of this excellent piece. The imagined bar fight genre is my favorite way to read about presidents and presidential candidates. More please.

Okay. I looked up the hoodie thing. It was worse than I imagined. I'm going back to bed.
posted by sunset in snow country at 8:35 AM on January 30, 2016

Yes, I am confused about the bike chain and am confused as to why it can't be whirled /knowsnothingaboutbikes.

Also, my contention has always been that there is a scary, sort of medieval madness lurking just beneath the surface of Ted Cruz, which would likely trump any of the bananapants moves that the other contenders might try to pull in a bar fight. Be very wary of him.
posted by triggerfinger at 8:36 AM on January 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

(I just realized I made it sound like there was something very sinister behind the hoodie thing, so I feel the need to clarify for those who, like me, immediately thought of Trayvon that there is nothing sinister going on in that video. It's just too awkward for life.)
posted by sunset in snow country at 8:37 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

So there's only one candidate to stand behind in a bar brawl and that's the guy from New Jersey.

I'm sorry, no. You're objectively wrong unless you're referring to Christie's value as a human shield. This article is 100% in its picks for the top three, and Hillary is irrefutably the one candidate in most need of a barfight.

Aside from that: aside from Graham and Paul, the entire GOP field is a bunch of people who want to talk tough and show how eager they are to send other people's kids off to war when they've never served in uniform in their lives. (Graham gets a shred of respect for having served, but only one shred.) That's exactly the kind of mindset you don't want on your side in a barfight. Those are the people who are looking to hide behind you.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 8:43 AM on January 30, 2016 [4 favorites]

He left out Jesse Ventura.
posted by bukvich at 8:52 AM on January 30, 2016

I don't think he's officially running.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 9:01 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

The one benefit of having Ben Carson in a bar fight is that yes, he'd probably convince the attackers to target you instead of him, but he could patch you up when it's over. Assuming, you know, he returns to the scene after he's fled.
posted by Dr. Zira at 9:02 AM on January 30, 2016

When I last replaced my bike chain, I thought about how people talk about them as weapons, so I cleanup up the old one and played around with it just to see what the deal is. I can't see how they're any better than a regular metal chain. Yeah it's stiffer in one direction, but not enough to seem to do any good. Just enough to prevent it from twisting, which in turn means it tries to twist in your hand instead. It also has a tendency for waves to come back, along the bike chain, to your hand or whatever part of you your hand is near and you end up whapping yourself instead. And that same tendency often ends up putting loops in the chain, which because it can't twist, don't fall back out but tense up so you get little kinks all along the length of the chain; the longer you swing it around and hit things with it, the more those kinks accumulate.

So maybe there's some technique there I'm missing, or maybe it's just a story thing and not a real thing.
posted by traveler_ at 9:13 AM on January 30, 2016 [17 favorites]

The one benefit of having Ben Carson in a bar fight is that... he'll draw fire.

To quote Dr. Carson, "Not only would I probably not cooperate with him, I would not just stand there and let him shoot me. I would say 'Hey, guys, everybody attack him! He may shoot me but he can't get us all!'"

Given Dr. Carson's rate of speech, getting that sentence out is going to take him at least 20 seconds or so, during which time you'll be able to sneak around the distracted assailant and whack them with a pool cue or a chair or something.
posted by leotrotsky at 9:17 AM on January 30, 2016

Cracked.com appears to have some thoughts on bike chains as weapons.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 9:17 AM on January 30, 2016 [8 favorites]

Paul Ryan isn't running this year, but he's the guy who would get you into the fight in the first place because of some chest thumping frat bro idiocy over someone's spilled beer or some imagined "disrespect", and he'll only last until he runs into the first person who knows how to fight. He works out and he can probably do alright in a small scrap, but no way can he take a real punch.

Mittens... actually, I could see Mittens doing pretty well. He'll definitely pause for effect to roll up his shirt sleeves like he's going to work, which would look cool at least. And I feel like he'd be careful and take his shots when he sees opportunity. Dirty fighting would be his weakness, though. He'll fight like a TV dad.

If Boehner ever ran, he'd probably do alright! He's shown that he can stick it out under pressure but he also knows when to run. The important thing Boehner brings to the table is that he's the guy you keep your eyes on because he'll be paying attention and bolt at the first sound of sirens blocks away.

Al Gore is a fairly big dude with idealism and calm focus. Al Gore tries to end the fight before it spirals out of control by immediately walking up on the leader of the opponents - he'll try to buy him a drink and talk him down first, but if that doesn't work he'll propose a "let's you and me settle this ourselves" situation. Might not work, but he'll step up and try it.

Jim Webb would end anyone that steps to him and then calmly talk about it in front of a national audience between questions about healthcare and national security.
posted by jason_steakums at 9:19 AM on January 30, 2016 [12 favorites]

If Boehner ever ran, he'd probably do alright! He's shown that he can stick it out under pressure but he also knows when to run. The important thing Boehner brings to the table is that he's the guy you keep your eyes on because he'll be paying attention and bolt at the first sound of sirens blocks away.

Boehner started working in the family bar at eight. Boehner will do just fine.
posted by leotrotsky at 9:23 AM on January 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

I did not know that! He's got the look of a fighter. Softened over the years and turned orange, but it's there.
posted by jason_steakums at 9:24 AM on January 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

Wait, not to derail, but when people are talking about fighting with bike chains, they don't mean the kind used to lock up a bike?

I always imagined those would be the ones someone with a bike (at least in a city) would have handy to defend themselves with if needed. A regular bike chain seems rather inaccessible on short notice...
posted by Pryde at 9:28 AM on January 30, 2016 [4 favorites]

When I was young, before the arrival of the modern hardened steel bike lock, standard urban bike lock technology was a 3/8" case-hardened steel chain, about 5' long. (That is, the metal in the links was 3/8" thick). These weighed about 10 pounds. I would imagine they'd be useful in a bar fight, if you had the requisite upper body strength.
posted by mr vino at 9:49 AM on January 30, 2016

Been in a few of bar fights, all caused by democrats.

Enjoy your president trvmp
posted by clavdivs at 10:07 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

"Frequently they have been observed to wear belts made of a length of polished motorcycle drive chain which can be unhooked and used as a flexible bludgeon." -- Hunter Thompson, Hell's Angels
posted by valkane at 10:08 AM on January 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

I think Jeb! should be higher. He wouldn't throw the first punch, but after being hit he would completely lose his shit and start whaling on people, screaming obscenities the whole time.

On the money with Cruz, IMHO.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:27 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

I really can't imagine any bar fight in which Bernie Sanders would be anywhere near as high up as being the 2nd most useful. Carson might be higher up, since he claims to have tried to stab somebody, but I guess he kind of failed in that. Jeb should probably be last. He'd probably be cowering in a corner somewhere crying for daddy.
posted by gyc at 11:03 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

I think Jeb! should be higher. He wouldn't throw the first punch, but after being hit he would completely lose his shit and start whaling on people, screaming obscenities the whole time.

"I’ve got a five-point plan. . . . Core beliefs. . . . I don’t want to be the Insulter-in-Chief! I’m going to be the Commander-in-Chief, if that’s O.K. with everybody. . . . We can’t just be the old-white-guy party! We need young white guys, too, and their hot Mexican-American wives. . . . Look, I—I’m my own man! I answer all my own e-mails! No tutor! Jeb can fix it! I’m totally committed!”
posted by leotrotsky at 11:04 AM on January 30, 2016

I really can't imagine any bar fight in which Bernie Sanders would be anywhere near as high up as being the 2nd most useful.

Don't write off Bernie in a bar fight. There's angry, then there's old man angry. There's nothing more fearsome than a pissed off old guy who is out of fucks to give.
posted by bawanaal at 11:25 AM on January 30, 2016 [19 favorites]

Hunter Thompson talks about it a bit in Hell's Angels

Now there's the voice of reason.

If you haven't read it, Hell's Angels was written before Thompson developed his gonzo style, and is written in a pretty straightforward manner.

In the quote from the book above, you'll note that the chain is used as a bludgeon, not as a whip. The HA would probably be clubbing people with a doubled length of it, not whirling it around.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 11:29 AM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

Also, my contention has always been that there is a scary, sort of medieval madness lurking just beneath the surface of Ted Cruz


I think anything lurking beneath the surface of Ted Cruz would be more likely to drive you mad, should you happen to see it without its skin-suit.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:50 PM on January 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

Not entering a bar fight without Joe Biden.
posted by schmod at 12:52 PM on January 30, 2016 [26 favorites]

Thomas Jefferson'd be out right away. Dude famously ran away from all kinds of fights. He broke his hand trying to jump over a hedge to impress a lady! They're right about his dying words being quotable, though. He might last a little longer goading other people to fight... but probably him and Madison would team up and then die, immediately.

John Adams should be ranked higher. They're underestimating his sheer crazy. Too bad they can't team up husband-wife duos, 'cause Abigail would throw down.

Obama would absolutely kick ass once he rolled up his sleeves and accepted that the fight was inevitable.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 1:47 PM on January 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

+1 for the Dalton quote.
posted by sfts2 at 2:15 PM on January 30, 2016

I'm sorry, Hil's tough and mean fer sure but well a girl

Really? You want to pull your girls-can’t-fight nonsense with this one? She may not be great at those dumb campaign-trail talk-show things where she has to dance or laugh delightedly at silly anecdotes, but you’d better believe she’s going to be a natural at throwing a punch. Not to mention the fact that she’s had freaking decades of politely French-pressing rage over bullshit sexist coverage of her serious Presidential campaigns and the entire world’s media speculating on intimate details of her marriage. Hell, Hillary Clinton probably needs a bar fight.

posted by kirkaracha at 2:35 PM on January 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

In any bar fight assessment, a good understanding of the alcohol being consumed is important. 3-4 glasses of wine in Jeb Bush and I'm not concerned but 3-4 shots of Jack Daniels could turn him into the wild man of Borneo (well known in the Bush bloodline.)
Hillary Clinton drunk from mojitos could be quite different than one drunk from tequila where she becomes an angry wolverine tracking down Bill.
posted by Muncle at 2:49 PM on January 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

I thought I'd expand the field to the UK. Please excuse the crudity of this model. I didn't have time to build it to scale or paint it.

7) David Cameron (Conservatives)
David Cameron was born into wealth, attended a private primary school, another private primary school, Eton (an absurdly private secondary school), and then Oxford.
He is literally made of butter and would fold and run instantly, probably leaving a child behind.

6) Tim Farron (Liberal Democrats)
Farron has very little going for him in this fight, so little that I almost forgot to include him.
His university years spent in Newcastle suggests he's probably at least seen a bar fight, but that's about it.

5) Natalie Bennett (Green Party)
Originally from Australia she's married to a long time SWP activist so has been around enough "direct political action" to show she's no shrinking violet.
She'd make a reasonable go of fighting if called to it, but she's not a natural.

4) Jeremy Corbyn (Labour Party)
Avowed Pacifist, would absolutley try to find a peaceful solution, and would probably soak up a few punches to do that.
He claims that opposing violence and war has been "the whole purpose of his life".
When the loudmouth who wants to fight demands to know what circumstances would make him fight back Corbyn would reply
"I'm sure there are some but I can't think of them at the moment.", before turning back to his drink.
You won't win, but youmight avoid the fight altogether.

3) Nigel Farage (UKIP)
Famously comfortable in a bar, albeit usully more the horse brasses and ale variety than the brawling kind.
That said, he did survive a plane crash, a car crash and cancer, so he's clearly got some sticking power.
He could take a beating and survive, but the downside is that his opinionated braying would probably kick off the fight in the first place.
Also also be on his fourth pint and twentieth cigarette, so there'd be an element of wheezing and stumbling.
That said, last time he was in a bar in scotland he had to escape with a police escort.
Fittingly enough, next up is:

2) Nicola Sturgeon (Scottish National Party)
Sturgeon has a little bit of background experience in a bar brawl due to her early education in Glasgow university and her tenure as MP for Govan,
but avoided the worst of Glasgow brawls by supporting Ayr United instead of either of the two bitterly opposed local teams.
Sturgeon is not to be trifled with, she'd have your back and do some damage.

1) Leanne Wood (Plaidd Cymru)
Leanne worked as a Probation Officer in the Welsh valleys and her political heroes include Lewis Lewis, one of the leaders of the 1831 Merthyr Rising.
On her very first meeting of the Welsh Assembly she was thrown out for disrespecting the queen.
She would fight, eye gouging and biting if needs be, and if she were on your side she stick with you.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 3:00 PM on January 30, 2016 [14 favorites]

This is really clever. Thanks for posting!
posted by persona au gratin at 4:12 PM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

Actually Lincoln might beat all other presidents in a fight. He was a great athlete. Ford played college football, so he probably would be useful.

Though if you had Lincoln, he probably could talk his way out of most bar fights with funny anecdotes.
posted by persona au gratin at 4:20 PM on January 30, 2016

Ronald Reagan could land a punch on Angie Dickinson but folded pretty quickly after a right by John Cassavetes
posted by octothorpe at 4:30 PM on January 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

Here for the mad monkey terrordome crazy. Love it!
posted by Roger Pittman at 4:32 PM on January 30, 2016

Only in a Metafilter chain would you see debate about the type of bike chain that can be whirled, a locking chain or a drive chain being used by a presidential candidate in a bar fight.
posted by Muncle at 4:38 PM on January 30, 2016 [7 favorites]

It just dawned on me.

Nick Clegg is the last person you want to have on your side in a bar fight.
posted by schmod at 5:12 PM on January 30, 2016 [1 favorite]

Thatcher wouldn't just fight dirty, she'd enjoy it!
posted by blue_beetle at 5:50 PM on January 30, 2016 [2 favorites]

Not entering a bar fight without Hunter Thompson. Or Jim Harrison. So I got blue skies ahead of me. And most of my teeth.
posted by valkane at 6:26 PM on January 30, 2016

Thinking back on recent presidential hopefuls, Michele Bachmann would be goddamn terrifying in a bar fight because she could straight up filet some poor drunk with a broken bottle and never break her smile. It's that detachment in her eyes, it would be like fighting a Terminator.
posted by jason_steakums at 10:08 PM on January 30, 2016 [3 favorites]

If we're talking about locking chain, the sinister double benefit of a 4' length is it can be wrapped around your hands for grip and used to choke someone. It's also menacing enough to successfully use as a deterrent.
posted by a halcyon day at 11:57 PM on January 30, 2016

I'm wondering how often physical altercations happen at local bars around the ivy's

Come on dude, Ivy League undergrads don't go to local bars, they go to frat parties (Dartmouth, Penn, Yale, Cornell), or to weird-ass para-fraternities with weird-ass snooty names (Harvard, Princeton), or they do drugs alone in their dorm rooms and listen to Neutral Milk Hotel (Columbia, Brown)
posted by en forme de poire at 1:57 AM on January 31, 2016 [1 favorite]

Hunter Thompson walks into a bar

Is he a patron or a walker.

Jim Harrison would make a poor choice for a bar buddy fighty guy.
I suggest a fake democrat, they seem to destroy almost everything.
posted by clavdivs at 5:30 AM on January 31, 2016

Cruz would definitely be Walter Brennenesque in any saloon fisticuffs.

Donald as himself.

Jeb Bush Marshall Dillon.

Rand Paul as Doc Holiday.

Ben Carson as the cowboy poet

Chris Christie as Hoss

Marco Rubio as Dennis Weaver.

Special guest appearance:
Bob Dole as "the judge"
posted by clavdivs at 6:24 AM on January 31, 2016

If you needed a chain-of-bike to fight with, definitely go for the old school 3/8th links with a big heavy old lock on one end, not a drive chain. Makes a great flail, but remember, flails need to remain in motion.

You'll want to "choke up" on it for a shorter throw in a bar-fight situation. Maybe 6 - 8 inches from the lock, and hold the other end with your other hand. This opens up the option of grappling someone with a loose length of chain between your two hands. Garroting is perfectly legitimate but tangling up someone's art while bashing their brains in with the free-swinging lock is quite viable.

Another use for a locking-up-bike chain is to wrap it around your knuckles. Punching someone hurts; having a jury-rigged brass knuckles adds both total force (increased momentum) and you can punch harder without hurting yourself.

On the other hand, drive/motor chains can be forged into cool looking knives/daggers, too. But we digress further from swinging as an attack modality.
posted by porpoise at 4:05 PM on January 31, 2016

" I've seen lawyers, engineers, and even doctors get into brawls. BUT NEVER EVER EVER an Ivy League grad. I'm wondering how often physical altercations happen at local bars around the ivy's, but I'm guessing that:
1. They aren't very physical"

Time to mention this song.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:01 PM on January 31, 2016

Actually Lincoln might beat all other presidents in a fight. He was a great athlete. Ford played college football, so he probably would be useful.

Not just in a tavern brawl - Abe would be well prepared for any straight up dungeon crawl, broadsword in hand.
posted by FatherDagon at 1:37 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

Yeah, Lincoln would be by far the most terrifying. He had plenty of experience brawling in his youth and had legendary strength and vast reach. Teddy might be a stubborn little bugger but he'd never be able to close enough -- he'd end up with Lincoln holding him out by the scruff of his neck while Teddy flailed. Jackson's the only one big enough and mean enough to maybe take him down.
posted by tavella at 10:45 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

If only Elizabeth Warren was running--# 1 all the way--agility, poise, knock out punches, a disarming smile before striking.

The 2016 Campaign Is a Mess. Elizabeth Warren Is Playing This Thing Just Right.
posted by homunculus at 2:08 PM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]