Way to give the people what they want, Connery

March 25, 2016 10:16 PM

Archer reviews every James Bond movie.
posted by jacquilynne (31 comments total)

Just fyi, only some of them are in the video -- the rest are just in the text below.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:19 PM on March 25, 2016

This was, as someone who just watched all the Bond movies in a delusional state, GREAT.

ALSO, I wrote an Archer Spec Script in a feverish rush cause that's what you do
posted by The Whelk at 10:25 PM on March 25, 2016 [12 favorites]

James Bond is so bad at his job like why isn't there a modern Bond movie where he actually has to follow guidelines and bring Moneyoenny and Q ;radio wise) and Felix on every mission and report to M and forced to act like an actual agent for AT LEAST THE FIRST 45 minutes OF A MOVIE.

Like that could be fun, Bond actually having to do his job describition with other people.
posted by The Whelk at 10:28 PM on March 25, 2016 [5 favorites]

George Lazenby!
posted by clavdivs at 10:43 PM on March 25, 2016 [2 favorites]

that could be fun

Citation, please.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:43 PM on March 25, 2016 [8 favorites]

why isn't there a modern Bond movie where he actually has to follow guidelines and bring Moneyoenny and Q ;radio wise) and Felix on every mission and report to M and forced to act like an actual agent for AT LEAST THE FIRST 45 minutes OF A MOVIE.

"Bond we're seconding you to a German domestic counter-terrorist task force - GTAZ - operating out of Hamburg. Any actual interceptions or arrests will be made by the Bundespolizei , so your duties will mainly consist of monitoring the social media activity of suspects, as well as their phone communication, text messages, and so on. It's painstaking, detail-oriented work, which is why the assignment will only be for 8 months."

"Eight bloody months? Well, at least I get to go to Germany."

"No need for that, you can remote into theïr systems securely from your workstation in Whitehall."

"You - fine. Where's my office then?"

"Uh, we hotdesk now."
posted by um at 11:30 PM on March 25, 2016 [61 favorites]

Ya I can't think of a job with a bigger disconnect between what people think the job entails and what the job actually entails.
posted by Mitheral at 11:43 PM on March 25, 2016 [4 favorites]

George Lazenby!

I know someone who went on a date with George Lazenby back in the 70s. She said he was incredibly boring, but she only went out with him so she could say she'd been on a date with (a) James Bond anyway. Worked out perfectly fine for her.
posted by teponaztli at 12:22 AM on March 26, 2016 [7 favorites]

I think here on MeFi I read something about James Bond being the distraction; works to distract the security forces while somebody quietly gets in through any security holes that are raised by this perceived spy threat.

This probably wouldn't work as a movie. But I'd like to see it anyway.
posted by solarion at 1:40 AM on March 26, 2016 [6 favorites]

Somehow, "I ended up grilling a cheese" is the most and least Archer-y thing ever said.
posted by Etrigan at 3:40 AM on March 26, 2016 [2 favorites]

Left out the 1967 Casino Royale.
posted by lordrunningclam at 5:13 AM on March 26, 2016

Thanks for the FYI--I watched this on YouTube this morning, and was, like, 'uh, I don't think that's all the movies' (I was still waking up).
posted by box at 5:52 AM on March 26, 2016

“This is how you get ants Blofeld.”
posted by Fizz at 6:13 AM on March 26, 2016 [3 favorites]

> James Bond is so bad at his job like why isn't there a modern Bond movie where he actually has to follow guidelines

I like to picture James Bond as the guy the Service uses for the high-risk low value missions on the hope that one of them will someday kill him. In James' delirium Goldfinger is a sociopathic arch-criminal attempting to control the global gold supply through nefarious means, even though he really is just a head of an investment bank that's had a stunning round of luck and he's let that luck go to his head and begun acting erratically, blinging up his digs and indulging in more mistresses than is considered seemly for a man of his position.

In other words, Archer is sufficiently like its inspiration that I'm willing to consider it an Americanized reboot rather than a parody.
posted by ardgedee at 6:16 AM on March 26, 2016 [4 favorites]

Could not help seeing Bob from Bob's Burgers reading these in my head.
posted by Splunge at 8:19 AM on March 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

And I couldn't help seeing a can of vegetables as I read them.
posted by deadaluspark at 8:28 AM on March 26, 2016 [5 favorites]

Splunge: I alternatively binge watch Archer and Bob's Burgers. The first episode is always really hard. The crossover episode blew my drug-addled gourd.

If Archer ever has Kristen Schall play a villain my brain will likely asplode.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 8:35 AM on March 26, 2016 [6 favorites]

If Archer ever has Kristen Schall play a villain my brain will likely asplode.

psst - not exactly a villain, but check out Sea Tunt part 1
posted by cobra_high_tigers at 8:40 AM on March 26, 2016 [5 favorites]

James Bond being the distraction; works to distract the security forces while somebody quietly gets in through any security holes that are raised by this perceived spy threat.

Spies Like Us did it better.
posted by achrise at 9:02 AM on March 26, 2016 [2 favorites]

why isn't there a modern Bond movie where he actually has to follow guidelines and bring Moneyoenny and Q ;radio wise) and Felix on every mission and report to M and forced to act like an actual agent for AT LEAST THE FIRST 45 minutes OF A MOVIE.

If James Bond did all that, he be George Smiley. Which would make for a number of smart, suspenseful adventures, albeit lacking in fancy gadgets, loud explosions, elaborately choreographed stunt sequences and double entendres that would be cringeworthy in most real-world situations.

In short, George Smiley adaptations are made to promote John Le Carré's works.

James Bond adaptations, meanwhile, are made to promote Ian Fleming's works sundry consumer products and exotic, faraway locations as a High Fantasy paen to modern success.
posted by Smart Dalek at 9:49 AM on March 26, 2016 [5 favorites]

He doesn't have to be George Smiley (although I would enjoy more Smiley adaptations thank you) but making him work with others for once in his damn life would be a nice change.
posted by The Whelk at 10:40 AM on March 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

But then it wouldn't be the Broccoli family's "James Bond" franchise any more, which they've very carefully and specifically crafted (for better or worse); it would be somebody else's franchise. Not that I'm against the idea of a less-Bondian spy series at all, mind you.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:08 AM on March 26, 2016

The James Bond (film) franchise has already made several fairly significant tonal and thematic shifts, generally conforming to changes in the actor playing Bond. A more Smiley-esque direction would be entirely possible even with Barbara still at the helm.
posted by Etrigan at 12:01 PM on March 26, 2016

Somehow, "I ended up grilling a cheese" is the most and least Archer-y thing ever said.

See the opening scene of S1, E10: "Dial M for Mother."
posted by Navelgazer at 12:22 PM on March 26, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'd like to point out that Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy with Gary Oldman as Smiley is a great great film. I'm going to watch it again tonight.
posted by Existential Dread at 1:18 PM on March 26, 2016 [5 favorites]

Archer is right! The high-stakes bobsled chase in On Her Majesty's Secret Service sounds insane in the abstract, but really works. (Film is underrated: great soundtrack, great location shots, well-edited fight scenes, Diana Rigg has a great performance, no over-emphasis on gadgets like the Moore years...)

Really looking forward to the new Archer season. The last Magnum PI reference they did when Archer had cancer was one of the better episodes—hoping the new season will be more like that and less "we have three jokes and we are going to run them all into the ground" like season before last.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 1:36 PM on March 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

I think here on MeFi I read something about James Bond being the distraction; works to distract the security forces while somebody quietly gets in through any security holes that are raised by this perceived spy threat.

This probably wouldn't work as a movie. But I'd like to see it anyway.

I once posited that he's the hand that keeps your attention while the other goes for your throat.
posted by Pope Guilty at 2:21 PM on March 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

Abehammerb Lincoln: "Splunge: I alternatively binge watch Archer and Bob's Burgers. The first episode is always really hard. The crossover episode blew my drug-addled gourd.

If Archer ever has Kristen Schall play a villain my brain will likely asplode."

That is probably the most awesome thing I have ever seen. I'm sitting here, headphones on, laughing like an idiot. Meanwhile my wife is shushing me because I'm too loud. Thank you so much for that.
posted by Splunge at 2:40 PM on March 26, 2016

I think here on MeFi I read something about James Bond being the distraction; works to distract the security forces while somebody quietly gets in through any security holes that are raised by this perceived spy threat.

That somebody is likely one of the Big Bad's key mooks; every movie features someone on the payroll who seems to be even more of a blunderer than Bond.
posted by randomkeystrike at 4:24 AM on March 27, 2016

fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit: "Really looking forward to the new Archer season. The last Magnum PI reference they did when Archer had cancer was one of the better episodes—hoping the new season will be more like that and less "we have three jokes and we are going to run them all into the ground" like season before last."

I am cautiously optimistic.
posted by Chrysostom at 7:05 AM on March 28, 2016

I'd like to point out that Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy with Gary Oldman as Smiley is a great great film. I'm going to watch it again tonight.
Yes! One of my favorite films of all time. I've probably seen it over 10 times.
posted by Green With You at 1:37 PM on March 28, 2016