"...we think a detachable penis is for the best.”

May 7, 2016 4:35 PM

A French statue of Heracles, also known by his Roman name Hercules, has been suffering from a particularly invasive form of vandalism. But local authorities think they’ve come up with a solution: a prosthetic penis.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (33 comments total)

As I walked down Second Avenue toward St. Mark's Place
Where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street
I saw my penis lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven
Some guy was selling it

I had to buy it off him
He wanted 22 bucks but I talked him down to 17
I took it home, washed it off
And put it back on [NSFW]
posted by the return of the thin white sock at 4:45 PM on May 7, 2016 [34 favorites]

As I walked down Second Avenue tow--- DAMN IT!!!
posted by slkinsey at 4:51 PM on May 7, 2016 [23 favorites]

There was this song back in the 90s called Detach...aww, hell.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:58 PM on May 7, 2016 [16 favorites]

A detachable penis would be a fine thing - easier to clean, you could leave it at home if you were going to be in a situation where it might cause a problem, and there's always the option of an upgrade. Although I don't think the general tech arc of 'smaller and faster' would be for the best.
posted by Devonian at 5:00 PM on May 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

Huh. I'm the only person on MetaFilter who did not know about that song.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:00 PM on May 7, 2016 [10 favorites]

Huh, I had no idea Zach Galifianakis played keyboard for King Missile.
posted by not_the_water at 5:05 PM on May 7, 2016

Johnny Wallflower I'm the only person on MetaFilter who did not know about that song.

You are correct.
posted by yeolcoatl at 5:06 PM on May 7, 2016 [14 favorites]

A detachable penis would be a fine thing

Plus, there could be "penis timeouts" for the troublesome.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:10 PM on May 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

Or, like in that Greg Egan story, everyone has concave genitalia plus a “bridge”, which changes which partner it is attached to at each act of intercourse.
posted by acb at 5:13 PM on May 7, 2016

A detachable penis would be a fine thing - easier to clean, you could leave it at home if you were going to be in a situation where it might cause a problem

And you could rent it out when you don't need it.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 5:14 PM on May 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'm not keen on the idea; this marks Day 57 that I've not found my Bluetooth headphones.
posted by sebastienbailard at 5:29 PM on May 7, 2016 [15 favorites]

They should have just left it. "Whatever you have down there is fine if you're fine with it"; "Heracles doesn't need a traditional looking penis to be a great man" are great messages. "You have to make your genitalia look normal on special occasions" not so much.
posted by bleep at 6:12 PM on May 7, 2016 [5 favorites]

And you could rent it out when you don't need it.

Uber for the penis! I don't know if I want to borrow someone else's.
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:13 PM on May 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

There once was a man from Fort Dean
Who invented a fucking machine
Concave or convex
It could suit either sex
With attachments for those inbetween

(Limerick presented for entertainment and historical value only. No inference should be drawn about 'acceptable' gender definitions or forced categorisations. A binary or linear spectrum of sexuality is not required, recommended or implied in order to enjoy this limerick, and the publisher should in no way be considered to endorse or reflect such.)
posted by Devonian at 6:19 PM on May 7, 2016 [5 favorites]

So I did not read the French carefully so maybe I missed it, but what is the plan here? Do they take it off at night and put it back on in the morning?
posted by Tandem Affinity at 6:52 PM on May 7, 2016

High on my achievement list is when the band I was in opened for King Missle III
posted by wotsac at 7:19 PM on May 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

You have to make your genitalia look normal shiny and glitzy on special occasions"! not so much.

Glitter, bows, and dayglo are all popular with the party set.
posted by BlueHorse at 7:33 PM on May 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

And you could rent it out when you don't need it.

You could send it out and have it get a job, pay for it's own upkeep instead of being an expense and a burden. It could go back to school, work its way through college, get a degree. Maybe give a speech as a class valedictorian. Get a prestige job at a Fortune 500 firm, and eventually tell you that it's grown apart from you, that it needs so much more than what you can give it.
posted by happyroach at 7:37 PM on May 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

I'm trying to make a joke about "the beatings will continue until morale improves" but I can't so I'll just leave this here
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:43 PM on May 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

what is the plan here?

"From now on, Heracles will wear his own anatomy only during special park ceremonies. Afterwards, he will be once again dis-membered"
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:46 PM on May 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

One of the great curses of having been alive during the 90s is that I hear any sequence of six syllables with the right stress pattern to the melody of "Detachable Penis".
Adjustable waistband
Republican congress
Professional ethics
Ridiculous sweater
posted by Horace Rumpole at 7:46 PM on May 7, 2016 [25 favorites]

I saw my penis lying on a blanket... I took it home, washed it off
And put it back on -- by the return of the thin white sock

Eponysterical.
posted by rokusan at 8:19 PM on May 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

I sort of expect this won't help; I would expect a slightly different type of vandal to re adorn the statue with , e.g., banana, cucumber, eggplant..
posted by nat at 8:19 PM on May 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

There once was a man from Fort Dean
Who invented a fucking machine
Concave or convex
It could suit either sex
With attachments for those inbetween

I recall that last line as "...But it sure was a bastard to clean."
posted by Existential Dread at 9:07 PM on May 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

And you could rent it out when you don't need it.

Airpnp
posted by evidenceofabsence at 9:48 PM on May 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

This is just to say

I have detached
the penis
that was on
the Heracles statue

and which
you were probably
fond
of viewing

Forgive me
it was beautiful
so strong
and so hard
posted by bryon at 10:23 PM on May 7, 2016 [11 favorites]

It opens up the interesting possibility of a range of Herculean wedding tackle customised for different moods, occasions and audiences.
posted by Segundus at 12:15 AM on May 8, 2016

A stunt cock, if you will.
posted by a halcyon day at 12:35 AM on May 8, 2016

Which bathroom does it need to use though if it is in North Carolina?
posted by Nanukthedog at 1:16 AM on May 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

[It could] get a prestige job at a Fortune 500 firm

Why not? Plenty of other pricks have.
posted by Paul Slade at 1:25 AM on May 8, 2016 [5 favorites]

I have to point out to everyone that, if their suggestion holds out, it'll be a ceremonial detachable penis

a phrase somehow even more beautiful than the original
posted by flatluigi at 7:15 AM on May 8, 2016 [5 favorites]

From now on, Heracles will wear his own anatomy only during special park ceremonies.

as a trans guy, this is pretty much my SOP
posted by AFABulous at 8:32 AM on May 8, 2016 [7 favorites]

Usually I read something here and then hear it as an answer on "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell me". This time I heard this on WWDTM first. Try to keep up, Metafilter.
posted by acrasis at 8:56 AM on May 8, 2016 [2 favorites]