19 TripAdvisor User Who Are 100% Done with Scotland

February 25, 2017 4:58 AM

Edinburgh Dungeon: "I don't like it. The actors have Scottish accents and its very hard to understand." [SLBF]
posted by DarlingBri (63 comments total)

I still can't get over "the sea view is just sea"... that is surely the most beautiful and poetic tripadvisor trolling ever done. It's delicious.
posted by askmeaboutboardgames at 5:07 AM on February 25, 2017 [33 favorites]

20p is a pretty cheap poo, actually.
posted by Zeinab Badawi's Twenty Hotels at 5:23 AM on February 25, 2017 [10 favorites]

"Lough Ness is just a waste of money mongering. Just do not expect anything. Hole hole, despite what the hole."

I have read this like 17 times and I just cannot figure out what "Hole hole, despite what the hole." means. But "a waste of money mongering" is my new go-to bad review so there's that.
posted by billiebee at 5:26 AM on February 25, 2017 [17 favorites]

Oh man, this is why I started writing Trip Advisor entries. I was so tired of inane reviews that were basically "sucks". It isn't helpful to a fellow traveller.
posted by Calzephyr at 5:40 AM on February 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

Whit a boorichie ay whiners.
posted by srboisvert at 5:41 AM on February 25, 2017 [17 favorites]

Scotland's great. Just ask Full Frontal.
posted by Paul Slade at 5:54 AM on February 25, 2017 [4 favorites]

While most of these are just idiot Americans and idiot English being hilariously idiotic, a few of them center around accessibility features, which does kind of change the tone of the joke. The UK in general is a lot more shit with built environment accessibility than it should be, particularly compared to how great for example its communications accessibility infrastructure is. Things like benches and loos are aspects of Universal Accessibility that are honestly important.
posted by Blasdelb at 6:05 AM on February 25, 2017 [9 favorites]

Related: Patrick Stewart reads one-star reviews of world-famous monuments
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 6:08 AM on February 25, 2017 [12 favorites]

It's also eminently possible for a National War Museum to not be militaristic, unless you don't understand what the word "militaristic" means.

Sort of think that Hilary Mitchell has scraped this particular barrel bottom for long enough.
posted by howfar at 6:12 AM on February 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

Glasgow Necropolis is lovely and you should check out this museum if you are in the area.

Honestly, the Necropolis and Arthur's Seat listings both make me nostalgic for visiting those places. Edinborough Castle, OTOH, is a tourist trap.
posted by selfnoise at 6:13 AM on February 25, 2017 [3 favorites]

Would it help if I said I once spent a very pleasant couple of days doing various touristy things in Edinburgh? My favorite attraction was the Surgeons' Hall Museums, and the haggis our B&B landlady served us for breakfast was delicious.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:23 AM on February 25, 2017

> "Things like benches and loos are aspects of Universal Accessibility that are honestly important."

Yes, but for at least a couple of them, they were in reference to what are basically wilderness areas. There's a difference between pointing out inadequate facilities and complaining that there isn't any plumbing in the forest.
posted by kyrademon at 6:30 AM on February 25, 2017 [15 favorites]

> "[Edinburgh] Castle, OTOH, is a tourist trap."

Eh, the castle gets a bad rap because it's popular. It's not at the absolute top of the list of things I recommend to visitors, but it's definitely on there. St. Margaret's Chapel in the castle dates from the 12th century, and it was built in honor of Queen Margaret, King Malcolm's wife, by their son -- and King Malcolm is Malcolm, the character from Macbeth! He was a real guy who was walking around! And there's also a cemetery for soldiers' dogs on the grounds, how can you not love that? It's pretty cool.
posted by kyrademon at 6:42 AM on February 25, 2017 [19 favorites]

I would have paid 40p for that poo!
posted by blue_beetle at 6:47 AM on February 25, 2017 [5 favorites]

There is a reasonable discussion to be had about whether there should be benches in reasonable locations on Arthur's seat, or even whether it makes sense to dig a tasteful loo into it, but that's what it is a totally reasonable discussion about which visitors these monuments are actually for and what it would do to the site. That the dude also wanted a gift shop is hilarious, but those are reasonable complaints we shouldn't laugh at.
posted by Blasdelb at 6:47 AM on February 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I mean, it's funny because it gets at something true about stupid Trip Advisor reviews, but in context some of them are not so ridiculous. The Museum of Piping one ("You would need to be a piping enthusiast to get anything out of this.... they play bagpipe music 95% of the time"), for instance, is complaining that there's only music, and not much explication, on the audio guide that is provided to all visitors, and the other reviewers agree that the museum is mostly for people who are seriously into piping and not for the casual tourist. That's actually the kind of thing that people look at reviews to find out, I think.

I did like the one that complained about the lack of wi-fi at Arthur's Seat.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 6:48 AM on February 25, 2017 [6 favorites]

And yet these munchy boxes get five star reviews. Scotland, a land of contrasts.
posted by peeedro at 6:58 AM on February 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

Oh, I was so happy when I realized that most of these appeared to be stupid English reviews, and not stupid American reviews, for once.

you cannot believe how much I needed this one thing right now.
posted by Guy Smiley at 7:17 AM on February 25, 2017 [10 favorites]

Also, I've been to Meijer Gardens. A giant metal horse can be pretty...metal, dude.
posted by Guy Smiley at 7:20 AM on February 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

It's also eminently possible for a National War Museum to not be militaristic, unless you don't understand what the word "militaristic" means.

Yes. I suspect the comment author more precisely meant jingoistic, which would make that a relatively reflective review.
posted by jaduncan at 7:23 AM on February 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

Also, not to nitpick a dumb listicle, but she just made some shit up. Number 6 is Scotland Street Museum, and the review is "Disappointing", 3 out of 5 bubbles, Reviewed April 6, 2016. The supposed pull-quote is "It's supposed to be haunted but we didn't see any ghosts." Here's the actual review:

“Disappointing”
3 of 5 bubbles Reviewed April 6, 2016
I had visited this museum many years ago and thoroughly enjoyed it. However this visit was less enjoyable. The main feature of this school museum is the architecture but from the outside there is a lot of maintenance and repair needed. Inside there is limited catering, just vending machines. The old classrooms are interesting for older people as they bring back memories, but the younger members of our group got bored very quickly and they were ready to leave after a brief visit. The entrance via the old playground is quite shabby, with weeds growing in the roof of the small building at front. The rear playground is a mess and could have been restored to show the playground equipment from the past. Like all Glasgow museums, entrance is free which is good, but maybe this causes the lack of investment in the building.

Maybe there was another review that criticized the lack of ghosts?
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:52 AM on February 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

These may not be genuine, but I have with my own eyes read a review of the Quiraing complaining that there's sheep poop.
posted by The Gaffer at 7:56 AM on February 25, 2017 [4 favorites]

The 12 Apostles Stone Circle, on the other hand...there's no way to dress that turd up. Scotland owes me an apology for even wasting the time to click over and learn what it was.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:57 AM on February 25, 2017

The places to go in Edinburgh for a posh poo are the bogs in the National Museum and the National Gallery.
posted by gnuhavenpier at 7:58 AM on February 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

A posh free poo that is.
posted by gnuhavenpier at 8:02 AM on February 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

I just cannot figure out what "Hole hole, despite what the hole." means.

Shakespeare, when so pissed off he can't come up with a good insult
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:02 AM on February 25, 2017 [3 favorites]

Maybe there was another review that criticized the lack of ghosts?

“Trip to the school”
5 of 5 bubbles Reviewed October 22, 2016 via mobile
We went a trip to see the old school although there isn't any parking outside so had to park in the car park across the road (beware the car park will charge you a flat fee of £5). Although the school is awesome and it's so interesting on how the building has survived over the years. I love the fact that it's supposed to be haunted too although didn't see any ghosts (was hoping to )... although it's a great day out for the family ,couples.
posted by peeedro at 8:10 AM on February 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

For the 2016 winter break I burned all my sky miles from work on a once-in-a-lifetime trip to the U.K. and Germany. We even took our two kiddos (ages 6 and 8) with us. It was stressful, but amazing as we got to see all manner of amazing historical sites. Between England, Wales, and Germany we saw 10 castles and a bunch of other great sites. The kids, for the most part, had a blast. Of course their mental and physical stamina was less than ours and some tours were less interesting to them.

Then we took them to Stonehenge. Stonehenge was by far the highlight of the trip for me. We went on Winter Solstice! It was...almost spiritual for me. Just really incredible...but if my 6-year-old had the power to write a TripAdvisor review this would be the entirety of it, based on the conversation we had when we arrived:

So, it's a bunch of stones?! BORING.
posted by Doleful Creature at 8:13 AM on February 25, 2017 [5 favorites]

The places to go in Edinburgh for a posh poo are the bogs in the National Museum and the National Gallery.

If you're into pretending like you're staying at a fancy hotel, the facilities at The Balmoral will also suffice.

Also conveniently located!
posted by thivaia at 8:44 AM on February 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

So trip advisor isn't immune to trolling.
posted by Mitheral at 8:54 AM on February 25, 2017

Tourists gonna tour.
posted by randomkeystrike at 9:00 AM on February 25, 2017 [3 favorites]

You spend a week eating oat porridge, you want to know where the loo is.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:15 AM on February 25, 2017 [5 favorites]

I dunno, I went to Edinburgh and was all set to visit Arthur's Seat until I learned it was basically just a hill with nothing to do after a strenuous climb. Glad I skipped it. I mean there could at least be a magic sword or something.

A tourist site that was surprisingly good in Scotland was the Clan Donald Museum on the Isle of Skye. I find the clansman history sort of goofy and being a private family museum, was sure this was going to be silly goings-on about tartan patterns and brave pipers. But really it's a remarkably good Scottish history museum. Yes focused on the one family, but a balanced take on them, and the museum as a whole had significantly good scholarship behind it.
posted by Nelson at 9:23 AM on February 25, 2017 [5 favorites]

This is the first I've heard of munchy boxes and now I want a munchy box!
posted by moonmilk at 9:57 AM on February 25, 2017

Pro tip: If you want to see some fancy stuff for cheap, do an "H.E. Pennypacker, wealthy industrialist" at a big house or church that's been parted out into flats. Bored around Loch Ness? Here's one, and another, and another. Not even kidding. Just don't be tempted by the insanely reasonable prices to actually buy a gorgeous flat in a freaking (quasi-) castle, because, while I may not have the money or any of the legal requisites to buy them all up myself, I do have dibs.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:59 AM on February 25, 2017 [3 favorites]

I do understand some of the serious conversation that can be had around how some of these were taken out of context, and how some are trying to address accessibility issues.

However there is a certain type of Tripadvisor review that does make me wonder if people actually understand the purpose of reviews or even travelling for that matter. My favourite example was about a restaurant in Paris that said something like "We thought about eating here but it was tiny and looked like the servers would be snobby to us. So we didn't end up going in. 2 out of 5."
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:59 AM on February 25, 2017 [9 favorites]

You spend a week eating oat porridge, you want to know where the loo is.

posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:15 AM on February 25 [+] [!]

Ewwwwponysterical.
posted by Nerd of the North at 10:45 AM on February 25, 2017 [3 favorites]

"The Falkirk Wheel is the stupidest Ferris wheel ever, you don't even get to go all the way round." [fake, probably]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:16 AM on February 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

> "If you're into pretending like you're staying at a fancy hotel, the facilities at The Balmoral will also suffice."

They are godsends during Hogmanay.
posted by kyrademon at 11:19 AM on February 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

The Falkirk Wheel is fabulous. The only major civil project I know of where the first proposal was rejected by the local council for not being adventurous enough. Plus, sitting on a floating boat as you rise silently through the air is legit weird. Compared to ordinary locks, which are like being in a pub toilet cisten during flushing, it's awe to the s to the o to the me.
posted by Devonian at 11:34 AM on February 25, 2017 [6 favorites]

There was a recent askme thread about a first time visit to the U.K. In which most of the experienced U.K. hands shared your kid's view of Stonehenge.

It's not "just a bunch of stones". It's a bunch of stones that you can only get to along a single-carriageway road that also carries ALL TOURIST TRAFFIC for the ENTIRE SOUTH WEST OF ENGLAND, and everyone on that road SLOWS DOWN TO LOOK AT STONEHENGE. So you spend an absolute AGE to get there.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 11:40 AM on February 25, 2017 [5 favorites]

I loved Scotland when I visited (so much I've been back twice), but Loch Lomond was kinda meh. Between the Rennie Mackintosh house, the Necropolis & St. Mungos, the art school, wandering, the People's Palace, and nice people who want to be your friends in pubs, Glasgow is much better and I wished I'd just spent two more days there.
posted by dame at 11:50 AM on February 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

OTOH, dame, Skye and Glencoe were exactly as great as were advertised. And Stirling was charming as all hell, right down to the dogs.
posted by The Gaffer at 12:01 PM on February 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

Nelson: "I dunno, I went to Edinburgh and was all set to visit Arthur's Seat until I learned it was basically just a hill with nothing to do after a strenuous climb. Glad I skipped it. I mean there could at least be a magic sword or something."

Huh, we were there last summer, and Arthur's Seat was my 12 year old's favorite part of the trip. YMMV, I suppose.
posted by Chrysostom at 12:21 PM on February 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

> My favourite example was about a restaurant in Paris that said something like "We thought about eating here but it was tiny and looked like the servers would be snobby to us. So we didn't end up going in. 2 out of 5."

I remember one that was basically "we wanted to eat here but the restaurant was closed, 1/5".
posted by lucidium at 1:03 PM on February 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

This is the first I've heard of munchy boxes and now I want a munchy box!

Munchy boxes, previously.

(I've never heard of them before either, but my reaction was the opposite, just looking at the pictures made me consider skipping dinner. Guess they work better if it's dark and you're drunk..)
posted by effbot at 1:59 PM on February 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

It's not dark and I'm not drunk but I can fix both of those things.
posted by moonmilk at 3:15 PM on February 25, 2017 [4 favorites]

Nelson: "I dunno, I went to Edinburgh and was all set to visit Arthur's Seat until I learned it was basically just a hill with nothing to do after a strenuous climb. "

So hiking? What are people expecting when they are disappointed?
posted by Mitheral at 5:06 PM on February 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

I loved Scotland when I visited (so much I've been back twice), but Loch Lomond was kinda meh. Between the Rennie Mackintosh house, the Necropolis & St. Mungos, the art school, wandering, the People's Palace, and nice people who want to be your friends in pubs, Glasgow is much better and I wished I'd just spent two more days there.

"....these are a few of my favorite things..." Glasgow is THE BEST. Especially the cabbies.

I usually recommend Stirling Castle over Edinburgh, especially in peak tourist season. Not quite as crowded and, IMO, a better experience.
posted by Preserver at 6:13 PM on February 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

The east coast of Loch Lomond and the lower slopes of Ben Lomond are spectacular (the whole mountain is a fairly easy walk, assuming good weather. The west coast is dreary, nothing but the A82. The youth hostel on the west coast is much better, though.
posted by ambrosen at 7:44 PM on February 25, 2017

The best thing to do on Arthur's Seat after climbing it is to watch sunrise, in my experience. Although arguably the time I was at the top of Salisbury Crags at first light was more memorable.
posted by ambrosen at 7:46 PM on February 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

If it's wrong to laugh my ass off at a review that contains, "There was a guy outside the castle dressed as Mel Gibson who was talking nonsense to tourists," then I don't want to be right.
posted by holborne at 10:22 PM on February 25, 2017 [3 favorites]

So hiking? What are people expecting when they are disappointed?

Probably the kind of terrible tourist centre that's at the top of places like the Jungfraujoch. I know that when I summit I want someone to attempt to sell me a luxury watch.
posted by jaduncan at 11:30 PM on February 25, 2017 [6 favorites]

MetaFilter: better if it's dark and you're drunk.
posted by oheso at 6:12 AM on February 26, 2017 [3 favorites]

What are people expecting when they are disappointed?

A loo, some place to sit, OK. The one bitching that there's no cafe, though ...
posted by oheso at 6:14 AM on February 26, 2017

Mt Everest: basically just a hill with nothing to do after a strenuous climb.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:26 AM on February 26, 2017 [5 favorites]

Yeah, the ones about Arthur's Seat and Loch Lomond...well, the point of those is to take a pretty walk in pretty countryside to a pretty place. I guess if you'd...misunderstood the nature of the attraction...you'd be understandably disappointed.

It's true that a lot of beauty spots in the UK have literally no amenities, which I can see coming as a shock to some non-Brits. (I myself recall a memorable trip to the Great Blasket in Ireland. Biggish island. Reachable only by boat. You aim to spend a day there. Does not contain a toilet.) But these reviewers were Brits! They have no excuse for being so utterly shocked. Plus, honestly, distances in the UK are small. You're rarely that far from a centre of population boasting cafes and toilets and stuff. You might have to hold it for a couple of miles, you're unlikely to have to frost a rock.
posted by BlueNorther at 12:50 PM on February 26, 2017

Exactly. Arthur's Seat is literally in the middle of Edinburgh, amenities are not far.
posted by Chrysostom at 2:32 PM on February 26, 2017 [1 favorite]

OK so everyone's had a good laugh at my comment about Arthur's Seat. I was a naive tourist. I thought there'd be some interesting historical buildings or something at the top. (Perhaps I had it mixed up with nearby Calton Hill, which has an excellent monument if I do say so eponysterically.) But no, Arthur's Seat is just a hill, I'm sure a very nice one with a lovely view.

Me, it was the end of the day and I was tired. So I read it was just a hill and decided I'd be happier having a pint or two at a Stockbridge pub instead. A+++ five stars would lift a pint again.
posted by Nelson at 4:03 PM on February 26, 2017 [1 favorite]

Oh, I'm not giving *you* a hard time, Nelson.
posted by Chrysostom at 4:22 PM on February 26, 2017 [1 favorite]

actually buy a gorgeous flat in a freaking (quasi-) castle

Have you considered Garth Castle? Spent a few good nights there as a youth (when it was slightly less dolled up), my mum was friends with the owner and got called in to house-sit now and then.

There are few experiences like spending an evening sitting in the big upstairs-room there by the standing-room open fire listening to some nice situation-appropriate Bach choral works.

Admittedly there is the slight eeek-factor in that one of the previous owners was The Wolf of Badenoch who had a novel approach to divorce that involved chucking (as in literally) his very shortly to be exes off the roof into the burn below (the video doesn't really do the location and the gorge alongside justice).

There's also the tiny cell on the ground floor in which it's not even possible to properly stand or even stretch out, where said wolf spent his last few decades. [word to the wise: don't go into the little room when your brother is on the outside].


I usually recommend Stirling Castle over Edinburgh, especially in peak tourist season. Not quite as crowded and, IMO, a better experience.

If you can get to Stirling Castle you can also get to Doune (as seen in Monty Python & The Holy Grail / Game of Thrones / W.H.Y. - but that aside it's still worth the visit) and even better Castle Gloom (situated between the Burn of Sorrow, and the Burn of Care) - which is surrounded by some of the most beautiful walks this side of eternity and is the castle you catch glimpses of through the forest in your dreams.
posted by Buntix at 4:55 PM on February 26, 2017

I can't believe that entire list doesn't include the Wallace Monument. Twenty pounds to climb six hundred claustrophobic stairs! We went to Scotland a couple of years ago and did a bunch of these touristy sights, they were all delightful. White knuckle driving along the side of Loch Lomond in torrential rain wasn't great for me, but my car mates said the views were lovely. I was just trying desperately to not drive us off the road. Loch Ness boat ride in the fog, A++ would do again; and Edinburgh, Stirling, and Doune Castles were amazing. The Glasgow Necropolis was great; Glasgow gets a bad rap, I wished we had more vacation days to spend there.
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 4:28 AM on February 27, 2017

I was a student in Edinburgh and Arthur's Seat was one of the highlights of the place. It's part of an extinct volcano; a huge wild area in the middle of the city, and with terrific views from the top. Salisbury Crags are beautiful and a good place to do some bouldering if you're a cheap student with some climbing shoes. Walking with a girlfriend in the middle of winter around the small loch near the summit was rather magical. Watching the New Year's Day triathlon competitors when you have a hangover is rather inspiring. But no toilets that I can remember!
posted by Stark at 6:34 AM on February 27, 2017