The swingers, the fist fight, and other stories of holiday chaos
December 26, 2019 8:36 AM Subscribe
“We had an office fist fight over some particularly smelly cheese." Earlier this month, Alison Green of Ask a Manager invited readers to share their most amusing holiday office party stories. Here are ten of her favorites plus links to others.
Eight stories, not ten. I cannot count. Sorry! Office holiday parties should be illegal because entirely too often they are either a pain in the ass or an actual dumpster fire, IMHO.
posted by Bella Donna at 9:53 AM on December 26, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 9:53 AM on December 26, 2019 [8 favorites]
We had an office fist fight
I entered just in time to see Jim punch Bob on the arm
I seem to have had very different fistfights than these folk.
posted by Splunge at 9:53 AM on December 26, 2019 [30 favorites]
I entered just in time to see Jim punch Bob on the arm
I seem to have had very different fistfights than these folk.
posted by Splunge at 9:53 AM on December 26, 2019 [30 favorites]
These seemed mild? Has the internet jaded me?
posted by agregoli at 9:56 AM on December 26, 2019 [18 favorites]
posted by agregoli at 9:56 AM on December 26, 2019 [18 favorites]
The nun story is adorable, though.
posted by solotoro at 9:58 AM on December 26, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by solotoro at 9:58 AM on December 26, 2019 [8 favorites]
“A few years ago my husband was working for large domain company… to remain nameless.”
I mean, why not just say GoDaddy. There are YouTube videos of Snoop Dogg performing at the Christmas party.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 10:01 AM on December 26, 2019 [29 favorites]
I mean, why not just say GoDaddy. There are YouTube videos of Snoop Dogg performing at the Christmas party.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 10:01 AM on December 26, 2019 [29 favorites]
They are mild stories but to me that makes them all the more adorable. Especially the one about the Swinging Accountant Gal, because the letter writer is shocked, shocked to discover that a woman who was good with numbers could also be into BDSM, cages, nipple clamps, and hand-sewn baby quilts. That is my fav because the letter writer so obviously thinks that people into different kinds of sexy stuff must be under 50 and also cannot have any other interests whatsoever.
posted by Bella Donna at 10:08 AM on December 26, 2019 [35 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 10:08 AM on December 26, 2019 [35 favorites]
This is not a holiday party story. I was a recent hire at a high-tech startup. They had a monthly company party on a Friday afternoon, at which they would serve beer and wine labeled with the company name. At this party, an older employee was leaving, and as a joke, somebody gave him an inflatable party doll. A bunch of bigwigs were there: board members and investors. As they left the building with the CEO, they encountered the General Manager bouncing on the party doll in the street outside.
That was the last party they served alcohol at.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:13 AM on December 26, 2019 [7 favorites]
That was the last party they served alcohol at.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:13 AM on December 26, 2019 [7 favorites]
Almost all of the most boring, uneventful holiday parties I've been to were more interesting and scandalous than these. That is a very short list. I've been to some doozies, and as a general rule, do not participate in holiday parties anymore. Mostly because I don't want to be in a position, as a leader, where I have to fill out a police report or visit HR the next day to square away who on my team is not working for the company moving forward...
posted by Chuffy at 10:15 AM on December 26, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by Chuffy at 10:15 AM on December 26, 2019 [4 favorites]
I admit that a lot of these stories about work parties confuse me, not least because it was a truism as I was growing up that you never, ever drank more than a token amount around work colleagues, particularly bosses. You might order or accept a drink to be polite, but never two, and never enough to get tipsy.
I'm in a job where I like my co-workers and voluntarily socialize with them, sometimes at bars. They're nice, smart people with interesting things to say, and sometimes people do have actual parties to which they invite each other - but those are the pretty low-key parties. It just seems so intuitive that even when you really do like your colleagues, you don't all get really drunk together, that there are work friends and non-work friends and there's a difference, etc.
And if I worked in a very large organization where I'd be at a party with hundreds of people, most of whom I didn't really know...where would even be the fun in drinking or doing party things? Again, what I learned growing up was that if you worked at such a place, you put in a token appearance and took off as soon as decently possible so that you didn't spend fun, free time in a high-stress and high-stakes environment with drinking no less.
Ugh, Miss Manners always says that the best holiday present from your employer is a bonus, not a party.
posted by Frowner at 10:20 AM on December 26, 2019 [48 favorites]
I'm in a job where I like my co-workers and voluntarily socialize with them, sometimes at bars. They're nice, smart people with interesting things to say, and sometimes people do have actual parties to which they invite each other - but those are the pretty low-key parties. It just seems so intuitive that even when you really do like your colleagues, you don't all get really drunk together, that there are work friends and non-work friends and there's a difference, etc.
And if I worked in a very large organization where I'd be at a party with hundreds of people, most of whom I didn't really know...where would even be the fun in drinking or doing party things? Again, what I learned growing up was that if you worked at such a place, you put in a token appearance and took off as soon as decently possible so that you didn't spend fun, free time in a high-stress and high-stakes environment with drinking no less.
Ugh, Miss Manners always says that the best holiday present from your employer is a bonus, not a party.
posted by Frowner at 10:20 AM on December 26, 2019 [48 favorites]
Frowner, Miss Manners is so right! Also, the bonus should be money. At my first job, the holiday bonus was a brass belt buckle with the logo of the company. Because the publisher liked to wear cowboy boots and jeans. This guy was a Marin County type cowboy, so he was a progressive guy up to a point. Imagine his confusion when the entire staff was angry because our holiday bonus was a heavy brass belt buckle; virtually no one else wore shit like that; and I'm so old that the 25 bucks the buckle cost was real money to me then (no joke, it still is) and would have been an actual bonus rather than a joke if I had just gotten a check instead.
posted by Bella Donna at 10:26 AM on December 26, 2019 [15 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 10:26 AM on December 26, 2019 [15 favorites]
If we didn't have office holiday parties how would I have listened to my boss extoll the virtues of our 5 person team for 15 minutes and completely leave me out? Then my friend awkwardly talk about me after so everyone realized I was left out. Or have the owner of the company say how it was the best year in the company's history and everyone got raises and much bigger bonuses while you didn't?
That would be a tragedy.
Yeah, not a great year over here.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:27 AM on December 26, 2019 [20 favorites]
That would be a tragedy.
Yeah, not a great year over here.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:27 AM on December 26, 2019 [20 favorites]
I admit that a lot of these stories about work parties confuse me, not least because it was a truism as I was growing up that you never, ever drank more than a token amount around work colleagues, particularly bosses. You might order or accept a drink to be polite, but never two, and never enough to get tipsy.
My impression from quoted vocabulary is that several of these probably took place in the UK or AUS.
posted by PMdixon at 10:42 AM on December 26, 2019 [10 favorites]
My impression from quoted vocabulary is that several of these probably took place in the UK or AUS.
posted by PMdixon at 10:42 AM on December 26, 2019 [10 favorites]
It has been a long time since I worked somewhere with office parties, but when I did, they were epic. At one, a particularly inebriated coworker made kissing noises at me, to which I replied "You're cut off!" She took umbrage at my rejection and swung her purse at me, which I blocked using my karate training. The contents of the purse then flew all over the floor. I helped her put everything back in, with the addition of little bits of fuzz and detritus I found along the way. All of this transpired on the first floor of San Francisco's City Hall, giving it a classy backdrop.
These days, since I work remotely and for myself, I occasionally plant myself at a bar in midtown Manhattan and let everyone I know that I'll be there. They filter in and out over the evening. Drama is low to non-existent.
posted by grumpybear69 at 10:51 AM on December 26, 2019 [12 favorites]
These days, since I work remotely and for myself, I occasionally plant myself at a bar in midtown Manhattan and let everyone I know that I'll be there. They filter in and out over the evening. Drama is low to non-existent.
posted by grumpybear69 at 10:51 AM on December 26, 2019 [12 favorites]
My wife used to work for a personal injury lawyer who made attending the office Christmas party mandatory, and alse made it mandatory that everyone (including spouses) spend the evening kissing his ass, or you did not get a bonus. Most of the people who worked for him were serious drinkers, and they were more than willing to trade their dignity for an open bar, so it was a big drunken shitshow every year. After the first year, I refused to go to it again, and not long after my absence was noted by Himself, my wife left the firm for greener pastures. I do not go to office parties of any sort any more.
posted by briank at 11:10 AM on December 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by briank at 11:10 AM on December 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
I sometimes wish I worked in teams with stronger social drinking cultures, and then read stuff like this and am glad that I don't.
posted by codacorolla at 11:37 AM on December 26, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by codacorolla at 11:37 AM on December 26, 2019 [9 favorites]
That is my fav because the letter writer so obviously thinks that people into different kinds of sexy stuff must be under 50 and also cannot have any other interests whatsoever.
I read into it more just shock that someone's so open and out with it to coworkers. Most folks keep their kink and their work lives very separate.
The baby quilt thing I just chalk up to that many folks have one hobby, and The Lifestyle isn't exactly baby quilt territory.
posted by explosion at 11:48 AM on December 26, 2019 [11 favorites]
I read into it more just shock that someone's so open and out with it to coworkers. Most folks keep their kink and their work lives very separate.
The baby quilt thing I just chalk up to that many folks have one hobby, and The Lifestyle isn't exactly baby quilt territory.
posted by explosion at 11:48 AM on December 26, 2019 [11 favorites]
I wish more employers understood why drinking on a boat is such a Bad Idea (you get drunk faster on a boat and everbody is trapped till you get back to shore).
I especially wish one of my former employers had understood it before the HR guy took a swing at the CEO.
posted by emjaybee at 12:00 PM on December 26, 2019 [6 favorites]
I especially wish one of my former employers had understood it before the HR guy took a swing at the CEO.
posted by emjaybee at 12:00 PM on December 26, 2019 [6 favorites]
Jesus Chris, law firm parties are the worst.
Once upon a time, Mrs. Sauce had a support position at a local blue-chip law firm. Their xmas party was huge, like 200 people in smartest black-tie apparel at Mr. Partner's house, which had a gorgeous prestige view of the city. Beautiful servers circulated smoothly with champagne and appetizers, and Mrs. Partner was like a party stewardess, engaging each attendee as they arrived with thirty seconds of the most polished smalltalk I've ever experienced.
This was totally not my scene and I wasn't sure what to do, so at first I was kinda relieved when young wolfish associate-looking dudes (yes all dudes) kept approaching me to start conversations. But they were all running the exact same program: coming up, shaking hands, determining who I was, and then punching out gracelessly when they figured out I was no one of consequence.
After the third time, this got irritating so I started telling people that I was just a kid from Saskatoon engaged in extremely complex litigation with the National Hockey League and that Mr. Partner had just told me to drop in at the party if I was in town. Suddenly I was a star and it was a great pleasure to take their business cards, promise them I'd mention them by name to Mr. Partner, and vanish into the night. fucking jackals.
posted by Sauce Trough at 12:04 PM on December 26, 2019 [106 favorites]
Once upon a time, Mrs. Sauce had a support position at a local blue-chip law firm. Their xmas party was huge, like 200 people in smartest black-tie apparel at Mr. Partner's house, which had a gorgeous prestige view of the city. Beautiful servers circulated smoothly with champagne and appetizers, and Mrs. Partner was like a party stewardess, engaging each attendee as they arrived with thirty seconds of the most polished smalltalk I've ever experienced.
This was totally not my scene and I wasn't sure what to do, so at first I was kinda relieved when young wolfish associate-looking dudes (yes all dudes) kept approaching me to start conversations. But they were all running the exact same program: coming up, shaking hands, determining who I was, and then punching out gracelessly when they figured out I was no one of consequence.
After the third time, this got irritating so I started telling people that I was just a kid from Saskatoon engaged in extremely complex litigation with the National Hockey League and that Mr. Partner had just told me to drop in at the party if I was in town. Suddenly I was a star and it was a great pleasure to take their business cards, promise them I'd mention them by name to Mr. Partner, and vanish into the night. fucking jackals.
posted by Sauce Trough at 12:04 PM on December 26, 2019 [106 favorites]
and I gotta say that being hard of hearing with a bouquet of inner ear problems is the best for avoiding office social engagements, once you explain to people that you just can't function in a crowded noisy space and that booze triggers your puking vertigo.
No one gives me any static about not attending the office socials anymore. It's awesome.
posted by Sauce Trough at 12:13 PM on December 26, 2019 [11 favorites]
No one gives me any static about not attending the office socials anymore. It's awesome.
posted by Sauce Trough at 12:13 PM on December 26, 2019 [11 favorites]
I have a feeling someone has a story or two about me being the "lifestyle" over-sharer. Of course, times and norms are changing. When I first started attending office parties it felt like a big over-sharing risk to even mention I have a same sex partner. Now sometimes I mention my opposite sex partner too and I'm sure that's over-sharing to some of the people who've been in conversation range. But it's a real relationship that means the world to me and keeping it in the closet feels no better than calling my same sex partner "my friend" all those years ago.
posted by treepour at 12:16 PM on December 26, 2019 [18 favorites]
posted by treepour at 12:16 PM on December 26, 2019 [18 favorites]
aw man. i worked in event management for years. the holiday parties were INSANE. and fantastic. the company got banned from several local restaurants over successive years, hahaha.
posted by lapolla at 12:28 PM on December 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by lapolla at 12:28 PM on December 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
Metafilter: BDSM, cages, nipple clamps, and hand-sewn baby quilts.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:33 PM on December 26, 2019 [11 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:33 PM on December 26, 2019 [11 favorites]
I'm head of the Social committee; I plan and book the Christmas party. The boss likes to show how nice he is by paying for all the drinks, so people always drink to regrettable excess. Because our party is only allowed to be an hour long unless we have some "team building" aspect to it, we play this cruel gift exchange where you unwrap a gift and the next person can either choose a new gift or steal your gift and so on for the whole game. I have seen people cry during this game. I book the party, but I no longer attend.
posted by acrasis at 12:40 PM on December 26, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by acrasis at 12:40 PM on December 26, 2019 [8 favorites]
Treepour, I hear you there. I'm bi and polyamorous and there's definitely times where I wish I could feel more open to talk about partners aside from my spouse. But I'm also kinky, and I feel like that's just...different. One is talking about who you're with, and the other is talking about what you do.
posted by explosion at 12:48 PM on December 26, 2019 [15 favorites]
posted by explosion at 12:48 PM on December 26, 2019 [15 favorites]
My impression from quoted vocabulary is that several of these probably took place in the UK or AUS.
This tracks for me - one of the weirder things for me since moving to the USA is how much more serious and sober work culture is here. Not bad, just different. Working in Australia, it was expected you'd get drunk with your boss, and it was sort of accepted that shit happens but that's the price of comraderie, whereas everyone - almost without exception - has warned me off drinking at work over here, and to be honest in there years I've never seen anyone properly drunk at a work event here, when is super weird having spent the rest of my adult life having that be normal.
posted by jaymzjulian at 1:21 PM on December 26, 2019 [13 favorites]
This tracks for me - one of the weirder things for me since moving to the USA is how much more serious and sober work culture is here. Not bad, just different. Working in Australia, it was expected you'd get drunk with your boss, and it was sort of accepted that shit happens but that's the price of comraderie, whereas everyone - almost without exception - has warned me off drinking at work over here, and to be honest in there years I've never seen anyone properly drunk at a work event here, when is super weird having spent the rest of my adult life having that be normal.
posted by jaymzjulian at 1:21 PM on December 26, 2019 [13 favorites]
I admit that a lot of these stories about work parties confuse me, not least because it was a truism as I was growing up that you never, ever drank more than a token amount around work colleagues, particularly bosses.
Work drinking is ONE drink. I go with a bourbon rocks, then let the ice melt, and just keep getting it topped up with more ice.
posted by mikelieman at 1:29 PM on December 26, 2019 [5 favorites]
Work drinking is ONE drink. I go with a bourbon rocks, then let the ice melt, and just keep getting it topped up with more ice.
posted by mikelieman at 1:29 PM on December 26, 2019 [5 favorites]
The swingers, the fist fight, and me / la da da dee da da dum...
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:36 PM on December 26, 2019 [17 favorites]
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:36 PM on December 26, 2019 [17 favorites]
you get drunk faster on a boat
Eh? I'm used to "you get drunk faster at altitude," but unfamiliar with this handed-down lore of Boat Drinking.
posted by deludingmyself at 1:48 PM on December 26, 2019 [13 favorites]
Eh? I'm used to "you get drunk faster at altitude," but unfamiliar with this handed-down lore of Boat Drinking.
posted by deludingmyself at 1:48 PM on December 26, 2019 [13 favorites]
Make sure you read Ask a Manager's best office holiday party date story of all time, as it's better than any of her top eight stories.
I used to work for a publishing company that always had an annual Christmas dinner dance. It was always held at a nice hotel. There was red and white wine on the tables for us to have during dinner, but otherwise it was a cash bar. Everyone dressed like they were going to the Oscars. The DJs always sucked (I will never forget the sight of one DJ jiving to the sweet beat of Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers while he worked, but otherwise it was a nice time and things were on such a formal basis and liquor so expensive that it seemd to keep a lid on any potential bad behaviour. I don't remember anything other than minor misbehaviour.
But I remember one guy, John, who had been with the company for decades telling me about how the office Christmas party used to go. It was held in the office, and there was lots of alcohol provided. Everyone would get really drunk, and someone would always wind up walking up to the president and telling him off, then get fired the next morning. One year two women who worked in the mailroom got into a brawl over their rival claims to a male co-worker. John added, "I'm no judge, but I didn't think he was all that."
posted by orange swan at 1:50 PM on December 26, 2019 [23 favorites]
I used to work for a publishing company that always had an annual Christmas dinner dance. It was always held at a nice hotel. There was red and white wine on the tables for us to have during dinner, but otherwise it was a cash bar. Everyone dressed like they were going to the Oscars. The DJs always sucked (I will never forget the sight of one DJ jiving to the sweet beat of Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers while he worked, but otherwise it was a nice time and things were on such a formal basis and liquor so expensive that it seemd to keep a lid on any potential bad behaviour. I don't remember anything other than minor misbehaviour.
But I remember one guy, John, who had been with the company for decades telling me about how the office Christmas party used to go. It was held in the office, and there was lots of alcohol provided. Everyone would get really drunk, and someone would always wind up walking up to the president and telling him off, then get fired the next morning. One year two women who worked in the mailroom got into a brawl over their rival claims to a male co-worker. John added, "I'm no judge, but I didn't think he was all that."
posted by orange swan at 1:50 PM on December 26, 2019 [23 favorites]
Boat parties are the worst. You can't arrive late, and you can't leave early.
posted by ShooBoo at 1:53 PM on December 26, 2019 [22 favorites]
posted by ShooBoo at 1:53 PM on December 26, 2019 [22 favorites]
orange swan, I also immediately judge any DJ who plays Jive Bunny. And somehow they always want to play it right off the top at top volume. I just “welp I’m out” at the first few notes.
posted by some chick at 2:02 PM on December 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by some chick at 2:02 PM on December 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
you get drunk faster on a boat
Eh? I'm used to "you get drunk faster at altitude," but unfamiliar with this handed-down lore of Boat Drinking.
It's because you can't get away. There are not even enough bathrooms for all the introverts to hide in.
posted by srboisvert at 2:06 PM on December 26, 2019 [14 favorites]
Eh? I'm used to "you get drunk faster at altitude," but unfamiliar with this handed-down lore of Boat Drinking.
It's because you can't get away. There are not even enough bathrooms for all the introverts to hide in.
posted by srboisvert at 2:06 PM on December 26, 2019 [14 favorites]
I worked at a company where the worst drunken party offenders (not just at holiday bashes, but even at Friday afternoon beer:30 events) were the HR staff.
posted by matildaben at 2:08 PM on December 26, 2019
posted by matildaben at 2:08 PM on December 26, 2019
Boat parties are the worst. You can't arrive late, and you can't leave early.
Because of the implication.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:18 PM on December 26, 2019 [15 favorites]
Because of the implication.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:18 PM on December 26, 2019 [15 favorites]
All right, I have a story but I'm on an old phone so it'll be brief. Ten years back I'd just started my first "proper" job, and I felt kinda obliged to go to the Xmas party. I hate things like this and I really only intended to show my face and slink out.
By the time I showed up everyone was already off their heads. One guy, beefcake New Zealander, decided he'd prove his masculinity to everyone by lifting me, a scrawny 21 year old, very much not with my consent. And one colleague, for whatever reason, decided to expose his scrotum for the benefit of his coworkers. I got out of there, sharpish.
The story would end there except for the fact that the ball-exposer was put on my team soon after... And reader, we got on like a house on fire. When he left the company I went to his leaving do, and his missus persuaded me to join a theatre company she was starting up. Over the last decade I've done 7 or 8 plays with them, something I never thought I'd do in a million years.
So the moral of the story is: never judge a book by its cover, or a coworker by their willingness to expose their ballsack, I guess.
posted by Acey at 2:32 PM on December 26, 2019 [50 favorites]
By the time I showed up everyone was already off their heads. One guy, beefcake New Zealander, decided he'd prove his masculinity to everyone by lifting me, a scrawny 21 year old, very much not with my consent. And one colleague, for whatever reason, decided to expose his scrotum for the benefit of his coworkers. I got out of there, sharpish.
The story would end there except for the fact that the ball-exposer was put on my team soon after... And reader, we got on like a house on fire. When he left the company I went to his leaving do, and his missus persuaded me to join a theatre company she was starting up. Over the last decade I've done 7 or 8 plays with them, something I never thought I'd do in a million years.
So the moral of the story is: never judge a book by its cover, or a coworker by their willingness to expose their ballsack, I guess.
posted by Acey at 2:32 PM on December 26, 2019 [50 favorites]
I’ve been deleting and rewriting my Worst Boat Party Story, basically for reasons of self-incrimination and identifying the organisation, but the key detail is a boat so low in the water that the chop washed ankle-high over the dance floor repeatedly during the evening, conveniently washing away the vomit. Boat Parties are the worst.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:01 PM on December 26, 2019 [11 favorites]
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:01 PM on December 26, 2019 [11 favorites]
The world needs more people like the "Very Social" accounts lady, frankly. I mean, your kink is not my kink, but also I would much rather sit at your table than those who shun you because of it.
posted by parm at 3:16 PM on December 26, 2019 [19 favorites]
posted by parm at 3:16 PM on December 26, 2019 [19 favorites]
Holiday parties on a boat can be anything from at best, a bad idea, to at worst, a living nightmare.
We went on a tour of the San Francisco Bay one year, which could potentially have been epic, so the nighttime tour along the shore of San Francisco, and under the Bay Bridge lit up at night sounds like a wonderful experience, and normally should be.
The reality is:
Everyone is dressed for a cocktail party. The only warm places to hang out are inside or below deck, where it is warm, cramped and a motion-sickness sufferer's worst possible scenario.
Add alcohol. Add the weed above decks. Add close quarters proximity to people you spend your days with, who are all "letting their hair down."
Then imagine that it's cold af up top, but if you happen to have that inner ear problem that makes you puke when reading in a car, good luck staying below deck.
There is no escape. You'd better hope you get along with someone really well, because your options for moving around easily to escape to another conversation are extremely limited. If you are having a dramatic relationship challenging event? Forget it, you're stuck. And everyone else is stuck with you.
There is a 100% chance that someone is going to vomit. You may or may not get to witness it, but there is a greater than zero percent chance that you are the one doing the vomiting...that person? Not getting off the boat until the cruise is over. Poor thing, no escape.
For holiday parties, the opposite of Apocalypse Now applies. Never get ON the boat...
posted by Chuffy at 3:19 PM on December 26, 2019 [5 favorites]
We went on a tour of the San Francisco Bay one year, which could potentially have been epic, so the nighttime tour along the shore of San Francisco, and under the Bay Bridge lit up at night sounds like a wonderful experience, and normally should be.
The reality is:
Everyone is dressed for a cocktail party. The only warm places to hang out are inside or below deck, where it is warm, cramped and a motion-sickness sufferer's worst possible scenario.
Add alcohol. Add the weed above decks. Add close quarters proximity to people you spend your days with, who are all "letting their hair down."
Then imagine that it's cold af up top, but if you happen to have that inner ear problem that makes you puke when reading in a car, good luck staying below deck.
There is no escape. You'd better hope you get along with someone really well, because your options for moving around easily to escape to another conversation are extremely limited. If you are having a dramatic relationship challenging event? Forget it, you're stuck. And everyone else is stuck with you.
There is a 100% chance that someone is going to vomit. You may or may not get to witness it, but there is a greater than zero percent chance that you are the one doing the vomiting...that person? Not getting off the boat until the cruise is over. Poor thing, no escape.
For holiday parties, the opposite of Apocalypse Now applies. Never get ON the boat...
posted by Chuffy at 3:19 PM on December 26, 2019 [5 favorites]
into BDSM, cages, nipple clamps, and hand-sewn baby quilts
MODS BAN THIS SICK FILTH
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:38 PM on December 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
MODS BAN THIS SICK FILTH
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:38 PM on December 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
My favorite boat party is the Staten Island Ferry at 3AM.
posted by grumpybear69 at 3:50 PM on December 26, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by grumpybear69 at 3:50 PM on December 26, 2019 [9 favorites]
Haha. I’ve just remembered a better Boat Party story. When I was 16 I had to do end of the year ‘work experience’ and while all my classmates went and did filing at offices or did a week’s work in their family businesses I hit up Sydney Ferries and sailed around on the Harbour for a week in December. Ten points me.
So at this stage the harbour is absolutely full of Boat Parties and yachts full of rich people getting loose and the ferry skippers are hard pressed to steer between sailing boats full of drunken barristers and dentists. Finally we get to a point where one yacht has drifted into the ferry’s path and the people aboard have absolutely no idea or control. We’re just creeping slowly towards it hoping they’ll notice a gigantic ferry, but they don’t. Finally the skipper says, fiasco I want you to press that button for three seconds, so I do, and the ferry’s horn goes BRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP and I watch two dozen super drunk people on an expensive yacht absolutely panic. While all the ferry passengers cackled laughing. A happy memory
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:51 PM on December 26, 2019 [62 favorites]
So at this stage the harbour is absolutely full of Boat Parties and yachts full of rich people getting loose and the ferry skippers are hard pressed to steer between sailing boats full of drunken barristers and dentists. Finally we get to a point where one yacht has drifted into the ferry’s path and the people aboard have absolutely no idea or control. We’re just creeping slowly towards it hoping they’ll notice a gigantic ferry, but they don’t. Finally the skipper says, fiasco I want you to press that button for three seconds, so I do, and the ferry’s horn goes BRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP and I watch two dozen super drunk people on an expensive yacht absolutely panic. While all the ferry passengers cackled laughing. A happy memory
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:51 PM on December 26, 2019 [62 favorites]
I can think of some stories, these are the relatively tame ones:
Drunken coworker assaults (pushes and threatens to punch) not one, but two of my employees for literally no discernible reason. One of the assaults took place because I asked him how he liked the shirt my employee was wearing (it was a silk shirt with a leopard pattern on it, oddball, but festive) and he grabbed the kid by the shirt with two hands and pushed him into a support column. Guess he didn't like the shirt. I have never engaged anyone in a fight before, but I came pretty close to getting down right there and then. I managed to keep my composure enough to kick him out, but he got into it with another coworker on his way out.
Head cheese of the office was hitting on a much younger, very pretty employee at the front bar while his wife was in the back of the restaurant we were at eating hors d'oeuvres. Classy.
I learned early on to stay as far away from the Human Resources people at holiday parties as possible. Not because you may get in trouble for something you did at the party, but because they were frequently at the epicenter of the incredible shitstorm themselves.
It is very easy to spot the people who are doing the most blow very early into the event, and even more obvious as the party continues. They are never at work the next day, but they also tend to be safe from losing their jobs because that extended group is frequently comprised of several high-level/leadership personnel...
I still can't get over how many people are sleeping with each other at work. I'm pretty sure I've been surprised by either a hookup at the party, or discovering that a couple has been hiding it. I've seen a few marriages get their start at holiday parties, and more than a few end as a result.
I am pretty sure I'm Mr. "Very Social" in most scenarios. Not really the type to go out on a limb about my proclivities in that setting, but certainly less inhibited about most things in life, and for people who don't get out much/are pretty straight and narrow, this can be a bit surprising. I'd probably be hanging out with Mrs. "Very Social" and her partner(s), socially. My own marriage doesn't allow for the kind of fun they're having, and that's just fine with me.
Other things that trended ugly: you get to see racism, misogyny, homophobia and religious bigotry on full display. At least, you do if you hang out with POCs, LGBTQI folks, women who know you're not a knuckle dragger and I'll just leave the religious people out of it, but those are conversations I'm quick to ghost...
posted by Chuffy at 3:54 PM on December 26, 2019 [5 favorites]
Drunken coworker assaults (pushes and threatens to punch) not one, but two of my employees for literally no discernible reason. One of the assaults took place because I asked him how he liked the shirt my employee was wearing (it was a silk shirt with a leopard pattern on it, oddball, but festive) and he grabbed the kid by the shirt with two hands and pushed him into a support column. Guess he didn't like the shirt. I have never engaged anyone in a fight before, but I came pretty close to getting down right there and then. I managed to keep my composure enough to kick him out, but he got into it with another coworker on his way out.
Head cheese of the office was hitting on a much younger, very pretty employee at the front bar while his wife was in the back of the restaurant we were at eating hors d'oeuvres. Classy.
I learned early on to stay as far away from the Human Resources people at holiday parties as possible. Not because you may get in trouble for something you did at the party, but because they were frequently at the epicenter of the incredible shitstorm themselves.
It is very easy to spot the people who are doing the most blow very early into the event, and even more obvious as the party continues. They are never at work the next day, but they also tend to be safe from losing their jobs because that extended group is frequently comprised of several high-level/leadership personnel...
I still can't get over how many people are sleeping with each other at work. I'm pretty sure I've been surprised by either a hookup at the party, or discovering that a couple has been hiding it. I've seen a few marriages get their start at holiday parties, and more than a few end as a result.
I am pretty sure I'm Mr. "Very Social" in most scenarios. Not really the type to go out on a limb about my proclivities in that setting, but certainly less inhibited about most things in life, and for people who don't get out much/are pretty straight and narrow, this can be a bit surprising. I'd probably be hanging out with Mrs. "Very Social" and her partner(s), socially. My own marriage doesn't allow for the kind of fun they're having, and that's just fine with me.
Other things that trended ugly: you get to see racism, misogyny, homophobia and religious bigotry on full display. At least, you do if you hang out with POCs, LGBTQI folks, women who know you're not a knuckle dragger and I'll just leave the religious people out of it, but those are conversations I'm quick to ghost...
posted by Chuffy at 3:54 PM on December 26, 2019 [5 favorites]
you get drunk faster on a boat
Alcohol causes disequilibrium, apparently by messing with your inner ear (and that supposedly by decreasing the density of the fluid in the semicircular canals; Philip Morrison said heavy water also caused equilibrium problems by increasing that density, but I don't have a comparison to point to, unfortunately), as does being on a boat.
So if the disequilibrium itself is responsible for some aspects of drunkeness, then it would make sense that people might get drunk faster on a boat.
posted by jamjam at 4:10 PM on December 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
Alcohol causes disequilibrium, apparently by messing with your inner ear (and that supposedly by decreasing the density of the fluid in the semicircular canals; Philip Morrison said heavy water also caused equilibrium problems by increasing that density, but I don't have a comparison to point to, unfortunately), as does being on a boat.
So if the disequilibrium itself is responsible for some aspects of drunkeness, then it would make sense that people might get drunk faster on a boat.
posted by jamjam at 4:10 PM on December 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
Metafilter: BDSM, cages, nipple clamps, and hand-sewn baby quilts.
Isn't it a tad too late for the Xmas request lists?
posted by gtrwolf at 4:15 PM on December 26, 2019 [5 favorites]
Isn't it a tad too late for the Xmas request lists?
posted by gtrwolf at 4:15 PM on December 26, 2019 [5 favorites]
MetaFilter: just tacky enough to hold the dildo
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:23 PM on December 26, 2019 [16 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:23 PM on December 26, 2019 [16 favorites]
Jesus Chris
If I could double-fave, I woulda. Merry Chris! mas. I mean. Great story and well done.
posted by mwhybark at 5:11 PM on December 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
If I could double-fave, I woulda. Merry Chris! mas. I mean. Great story and well done.
posted by mwhybark at 5:11 PM on December 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
you get drunk faster on a boat
Haven't been on much boats. Thought it was a ref to the floor moving under your feet (smaller boats) and therefore feeling/acting more drunk. Now I know.
posted by aleph at 5:25 PM on December 26, 2019
Haven't been on much boats. Thought it was a ref to the floor moving under your feet (smaller boats) and therefore feeling/acting more drunk. Now I know.
posted by aleph at 5:25 PM on December 26, 2019
US work culture is very straight laced. I've been working for a Swedish company for a long time in many countries. The Dutch drink, but make a clear separation between work and private. The Swedish party hard (we dance our feet off every year at the November party, most of us tipsy), Hong Kong people don't drink so much. The British, Belgiums and French will drink at office lunches, which amazes me. And I don't know if it's representative, but after bad personal experience I have a rule about not drinking with my Japanese colleagues.
posted by frumiousb at 6:00 PM on December 26, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by frumiousb at 6:00 PM on December 26, 2019 [4 favorites]
In many ways I often feel quite alienated from mainstream US culture but in this regard, holy cats do we have it right. Don't shit where you eat, don't drink where you work. I genuinely like almost all the people I work with, and yet I have zero desire to see any of them drunk or to be drunk around them. Nada, zilch, zip. I did an escape room once with a few of them and that was the precise right amount of casual socializing with work peeps.
Fortunately, I work as staff for a public university and there's barely enough money for adequate staplers let alone a holiday party with booze. Our unit's holiday party consists of a lunch held in our building (years prior to this year in a literal hallway because we did not have jurisdiction over any parts of the building that can seat 65 people at card tables--this year someone apparently has an in with the department that has the nice big lounge area on another floor and we went there), catered by a grocery store hot food department. Dessert is pot luck. We spend an hour eating perogies and baked ziti and piles of homemade Christmas cookies and have a very nice, cordial time, then we all go back to our desks and work some more. It's nice. I like it. There was LaCroix this year. I got a mug in honor of my five year anniversary. I didn't see anyone's scrotum. I highly recommend this approach.
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:43 PM on December 26, 2019 [36 favorites]
Fortunately, I work as staff for a public university and there's barely enough money for adequate staplers let alone a holiday party with booze. Our unit's holiday party consists of a lunch held in our building (years prior to this year in a literal hallway because we did not have jurisdiction over any parts of the building that can seat 65 people at card tables--this year someone apparently has an in with the department that has the nice big lounge area on another floor and we went there), catered by a grocery store hot food department. Dessert is pot luck. We spend an hour eating perogies and baked ziti and piles of homemade Christmas cookies and have a very nice, cordial time, then we all go back to our desks and work some more. It's nice. I like it. There was LaCroix this year. I got a mug in honor of my five year anniversary. I didn't see anyone's scrotum. I highly recommend this approach.
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:43 PM on December 26, 2019 [36 favorites]
Our office (university department) Christmas party is subsidised at $10 a head so some years we get what $10 per person will buy (a small glass of cheap sparkling wine and a mince pie) and other years we get a proper party and a bill for $50. In both cases most people don't go. Last year it was just me, the Dean, and the prof who had been the subject of a recent formal complaint by me and others about sexual harassment. That was an awkward "party".
posted by lollusc at 7:52 PM on December 26, 2019 [11 favorites]
posted by lollusc at 7:52 PM on December 26, 2019 [11 favorites]
Chuffy, this boat party wouldn't happen to have included chocolate fondue, would it?
Been on two boat parties - one for an Xmas work party, the other back in '92 when my then-girlfriend won tix for Blur and Senseless Things (and Spent Poets?) on a KITS Cruise - and, yeah, one's ability to avoid awkward co-worker situations and/or crappy music (hate to say it but ST were past their prime by then) is limited in said circumstances.
posted by gtrwolf at 9:10 PM on December 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
Been on two boat parties - one for an Xmas work party, the other back in '92 when my then-girlfriend won tix for Blur and Senseless Things (and Spent Poets?) on a KITS Cruise - and, yeah, one's ability to avoid awkward co-worker situations and/or crappy music (hate to say it but ST were past their prime by then) is limited in said circumstances.
posted by gtrwolf at 9:10 PM on December 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
Soren_lorenson: you got a meeting space? We literally had our department holiday lunch in a classroom, all facing the white board at the front of the room.
posted by Valancy Rachel at 9:16 PM on December 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Valancy Rachel at 9:16 PM on December 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
That was an awkward "party".
Hmmm, a late but nevertheless very strong entry in our "The Understatement of the Year" competition.
I'd imagine he attended only to make sure you didn't have the ear of the Dean exclusively to yourself.
posted by jamjam at 9:16 PM on December 26, 2019 [3 favorites]
Hmmm, a late but nevertheless very strong entry in our "The Understatement of the Year" competition.
I'd imagine he attended only to make sure you didn't have the ear of the Dean exclusively to yourself.
posted by jamjam at 9:16 PM on December 26, 2019 [3 favorites]
So, not only has Ludacris made it so everybody forgets how to spell "ludicrous," but now they can't even spell "Ludacris" anymore.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:23 AM on December 27, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:23 AM on December 27, 2019 [7 favorites]
The Christmas party where I work isn't all that bad. It starts at around noon, when we all adjourn to a local hotel's ballroom. There commences four hours of decent food, wine, a too-expensive bar, and slightly cringey party games. It "officially" ends at four PM when the hotel turfs us out to clean up, but no one goes back to work.
Instead, the turfing-out marks the beginning of...the annual pub crawl. Some years have been more apocalyptic than others--this year I myself only hit two pubs before calling it a night (and my boss/coworker/other team member tapped out after one), but there've been four or five or six before. There haven't been any big scandals that I know of, but people have been made out with, others have gotten sick all over the street in front of the pub and had to be sent home in a cab, and still others have indulged in the time-honored UK tradition of getting a massive kebab on the way home and eating the entire goddamned thing before bed. I have been only one of these people. I think.
The smart people take the next day off. The rest of us wander in to work the next morning in varying states of being on time and hung over. Little to no work gets done. It's all a good time.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 5:14 AM on December 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
Instead, the turfing-out marks the beginning of...the annual pub crawl. Some years have been more apocalyptic than others--this year I myself only hit two pubs before calling it a night (and my boss/coworker/other team member tapped out after one), but there've been four or five or six before. There haven't been any big scandals that I know of, but people have been made out with, others have gotten sick all over the street in front of the pub and had to be sent home in a cab, and still others have indulged in the time-honored UK tradition of getting a massive kebab on the way home and eating the entire goddamned thing before bed. I have been only one of these people. I think.
The smart people take the next day off. The rest of us wander in to work the next morning in varying states of being on time and hung over. Little to no work gets done. It's all a good time.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 5:14 AM on December 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
^^^ Eponysterical?
posted by Grither at 6:42 AM on December 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by Grither at 6:42 AM on December 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
I admit that a lot of these stories about work parties confuse me, not least because it was a truism as I was growing up that you never, ever drank more than a token amount around work colleagues, particularly bosses. You might order or accept a drink to be polite, but never two, and never enough to get tipsy.
That's an excellent personal approach that minimizes any risk of drama and more people should follow it. But the expectations vary tremendously by workplace. I used to work at an agency, where all events were alcohol-free (and bringing booze would have been a firing offense). Even casual/unofficial get togethers after work would have most people drinking very little.
Where I work now, totally different story. The holiday party has an open bar, and most people drink a lot, some way to excess including the top management. People stay within the lanes, though, I've never seen any aggression or anyone getting inappropriately flirty/sexual. It's just an office culture of heavy drinking, with the holiday party as just one example.
I've never worked at one, but friends have told me startup stories where there is a wet bar in the office and a culture of daily drinking at the office bar. Another place, they would bring around drinks to everyone with a mobile drinks cart, but that was weekly, not daily. If that's the regular office culture, I can only imagine the poor choices that get made at the holiday party.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:22 AM on December 27, 2019
That's an excellent personal approach that minimizes any risk of drama and more people should follow it. But the expectations vary tremendously by workplace. I used to work at an agency, where all events were alcohol-free (and bringing booze would have been a firing offense). Even casual/unofficial get togethers after work would have most people drinking very little.
Where I work now, totally different story. The holiday party has an open bar, and most people drink a lot, some way to excess including the top management. People stay within the lanes, though, I've never seen any aggression or anyone getting inappropriately flirty/sexual. It's just an office culture of heavy drinking, with the holiday party as just one example.
I've never worked at one, but friends have told me startup stories where there is a wet bar in the office and a culture of daily drinking at the office bar. Another place, they would bring around drinks to everyone with a mobile drinks cart, but that was weekly, not daily. If that's the regular office culture, I can only imagine the poor choices that get made at the holiday party.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:22 AM on December 27, 2019
At a company party in the late 1990s at the New England Aquarium we had a private sea lion show...and an open bar. The performance ended and, thoroughly drunk and rowdy, we were promptly ejected onto the streets of Boston. The three young (maybe 30 years old?) partners were pissed about the party ending early so we all repaired to the nearest bar -- some Mexican-theme place adjacent to Feniueiuleluluil Hall.
The centerpieces of the buffet went with us, I believe: there was a pineapple and a sombrero (at the very least) which made the trip to the bar. My wife and I bailed before it ended, but there was shameful overindulgence.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:23 AM on December 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
The centerpieces of the buffet went with us, I believe: there was a pineapple and a sombrero (at the very least) which made the trip to the bar. My wife and I bailed before it ended, but there was shameful overindulgence.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:23 AM on December 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
Frowner: ...you never, ever drank more than a token amount around work colleagues, particularly bosses.
When I was a year or two out of college, one of the three owners I worked for saw me finish a beer at a drinks-after-work one day. As I lowered the glass he tut-tutted and said, "You always order another drink before you finish the one you've got" -- like it was a sign of wisdom or something.
Those things almost always went until bar time (2AM), and ended with a bread basket full of cash being collected to cover the tab. Even at age 25 I knew they were an anti-pattern for real life.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:27 AM on December 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
When I was a year or two out of college, one of the three owners I worked for saw me finish a beer at a drinks-after-work one day. As I lowered the glass he tut-tutted and said, "You always order another drink before you finish the one you've got" -- like it was a sign of wisdom or something.
Those things almost always went until bar time (2AM), and ended with a bread basket full of cash being collected to cover the tab. Even at age 25 I knew they were an anti-pattern for real life.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:27 AM on December 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
I've been to wild, all-out holiday parties and the saddest one where we had insufficient buckets of KFC on card tables at the back of a call centre space where the President thanked, I kid you not, VERBATIM, "All the Little People" for their work over the year and everyone left after 20 minutes to go find some lunch.
I'm now responsible for my small company's party and I am keeping it on the 'plenty of food, but very low-key, ends with a DVD martial arts movie' end of things. This is a group of people where many won't put animal products, sugar, or any controlled substances in their bodies, so it works for us.
I'll still read these stories with mirth though.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:41 AM on December 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
I'm now responsible for my small company's party and I am keeping it on the 'plenty of food, but very low-key, ends with a DVD martial arts movie' end of things. This is a group of people where many won't put animal products, sugar, or any controlled substances in their bodies, so it works for us.
I'll still read these stories with mirth though.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:41 AM on December 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
I misbehaved A LOT when I was younger. Every day was a holiday party. If you waited for a "special" occasion, you were an amateur.
I lost lots of jobs.
I mostly don't miss it.
Happy holidays everybody.
posted by evilDoug at 8:50 AM on December 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
I lost lots of jobs.
I mostly don't miss it.
Happy holidays everybody.
posted by evilDoug at 8:50 AM on December 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
I have an exceptionally high tolerance to alcohol which makes company parties exceptionally painful.
A weird side effect from these parties involving alcohol - the embarrassment and guilt from what was said or done hangs heavily over certain colleagues and I feel like there's always this passive aggressiveness towards me that I didn't participate and usually head home early. There is no winning.
posted by hillabeans at 9:16 AM on December 27, 2019
A weird side effect from these parties involving alcohol - the embarrassment and guilt from what was said or done hangs heavily over certain colleagues and I feel like there's always this passive aggressiveness towards me that I didn't participate and usually head home early. There is no winning.
posted by hillabeans at 9:16 AM on December 27, 2019
My xmas party horror story is of a small dinner (we were a small law firm) at a very fancy restaurant. The food was lovely, people were reasonable about not getting plastered. Unfortunately for me, everyone else was straight, married, and having children, and my colleague's wife decided to harass me extensively about that I'm not doing this, going on and on about "oh, why not have just one? Oh, but the baby likes you!"
Please note: I am sterile, and this job meant constant travel for me. I couldn't have a baby if I wanted to, but if I did want to, it would be fucking mean to do this. It's still mean.
Give me the drunks. I would rather deal with that.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:16 AM on December 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
Please note: I am sterile, and this job meant constant travel for me. I couldn't have a baby if I wanted to, but if I did want to, it would be fucking mean to do this. It's still mean.
Give me the drunks. I would rather deal with that.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:16 AM on December 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
So we never get too raucous, but my office loves to hold holiday parties where instead of just socializing, eating and drinking in moderation we all have to do ACTIVITIES! There are a lot of companies that cater to this desire, so we've made crafts, built bicycles for underprivileged children, done a scavenger hunt at the science museum and this year, we went to one of those places that does a interactive cooking demonstration and at the end of it you've got a three course meal.
And that's all well and good, but it turns out that people really just want to socialize at these parties and turn off their brains and not try and figure out which way the handlebars are supposed to be pointed. At the cooking demonstration we were broken up into groups of fifteen supervised by a staff member of the venue and at first we all gamely chopped vegetables and followed instructions and made crab cake appetizers...and after the appetizers about six people came back to the demonstration...and by the end of it the lady that worked there was doing literally everything because everyone had dispersed around the room.
The food was delicious, though!
posted by zeusianfog at 9:28 AM on December 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
And that's all well and good, but it turns out that people really just want to socialize at these parties and turn off their brains and not try and figure out which way the handlebars are supposed to be pointed. At the cooking demonstration we were broken up into groups of fifteen supervised by a staff member of the venue and at first we all gamely chopped vegetables and followed instructions and made crab cake appetizers...and after the appetizers about six people came back to the demonstration...and by the end of it the lady that worked there was doing literally everything because everyone had dispersed around the room.
The food was delicious, though!
posted by zeusianfog at 9:28 AM on December 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
Boat parties are the worst.
Speaking of such, though nothing to do with Christmas ...
I distinctly remember having a sinking feeling the instant the boat left the dock along the lines of, "holy shit, I am now stuck with these people ... for the next three hours." Fortunately, it was only a party cruise, up an inlet, stop for a while, back down the inlet. Unfortunately, I'd dropped acid. I survived. But it was a prolonged and epic ordeal of containing one's higher self that kept wanting to jump ship and just go, go, go, away from all of these ... hydras, chimeras, charbydises, gorgons, ipotanes, manticores and other weird beasts out of antiquity. By the time we'd hit the dock again, they were all just people again, and say what you will of stupid drug-taking choices, I don't remember anything else I did that day in 1983, or week, the whole damned month probably. So here's to cruises!
posted by philip-random at 9:57 AM on December 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
Speaking of such, though nothing to do with Christmas ...
I distinctly remember having a sinking feeling the instant the boat left the dock along the lines of, "holy shit, I am now stuck with these people ... for the next three hours." Fortunately, it was only a party cruise, up an inlet, stop for a while, back down the inlet. Unfortunately, I'd dropped acid. I survived. But it was a prolonged and epic ordeal of containing one's higher self that kept wanting to jump ship and just go, go, go, away from all of these ... hydras, chimeras, charbydises, gorgons, ipotanes, manticores and other weird beasts out of antiquity. By the time we'd hit the dock again, they were all just people again, and say what you will of stupid drug-taking choices, I don't remember anything else I did that day in 1983, or week, the whole damned month probably. So here's to cruises!
posted by philip-random at 9:57 AM on December 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
Chuffy, this boat party wouldn't happen to have included chocolate fondue, would it?
Searches memory...state dependent...maybe? I have forgotten so many things in my lifetime...
posted by Chuffy at 2:54 PM on December 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
Searches memory...state dependent...maybe? I have forgotten so many things in my lifetime...
posted by Chuffy at 2:54 PM on December 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
My memories of office Christmas parties are fuzzy, when I worked at the place with an open bar.
posted by ovvl at 5:38 PM on December 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by ovvl at 5:38 PM on December 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
At a company party in the late 1990s at the New England Aquarium we had a private sea lion show...and an open bar.
I'm not going to lie I was really hoping this was going to end in an impromptu sealion heist.
posted by PMdixon at 5:41 PM on December 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
I'm not going to lie I was really hoping this was going to end in an impromptu sealion heist.
posted by PMdixon at 5:41 PM on December 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
...I was really hoping this was going to end in an impromptu sealion heist.
If the Aquarium had still been open, I think there are three or four guys (D***, M***, one of the owners, and probably that dumb guy in Proofing whose name I didn't learn in six years) who would have paid the admission to go back in and try to steal one of the big, wet things.
Unfortunately, the place was locked up and they turned us out into the dark -- and we had to run across the Big Dig to even find a bar that was open, if you can imagine.
posted by wenestvedt at 6:00 PM on December 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
If the Aquarium had still been open, I think there are three or four guys (D***, M***, one of the owners, and probably that dumb guy in Proofing whose name I didn't learn in six years) who would have paid the admission to go back in and try to steal one of the big, wet things.
Unfortunately, the place was locked up and they turned us out into the dark -- and we had to run across the Big Dig to even find a bar that was open, if you can imagine.
posted by wenestvedt at 6:00 PM on December 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
and my colleague's wife decided to harass me extensively about that I'm not doing this, going on and on about "oh, why not have just one? Oh, but the baby likes you!"
These people have always confused me. What are they thinking is going to happen here?
posted by bongo_x at 8:31 PM on December 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
These people have always confused me. What are they thinking is going to happen here?
posted by bongo_x at 8:31 PM on December 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
Spontaneous guilt-induced pregnancy.
posted by PMdixon at 9:14 PM on December 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by PMdixon at 9:14 PM on December 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
and my colleague's wife decided to harass me extensively about that I'm not doing this, going on and on about "oh, why not have just one? Oh, but the baby likes you!"
These people have always confused me. What are they thinking is going to happen here?
Next time this happens, leap up and announce in a loud voice, "You know what, you've convinced me! I'm off to have a baby right now!!" and stride out purposefully.
Then go somewhere where folks let you drink in peace.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:23 PM on December 27, 2019 [14 favorites]
These people have always confused me. What are they thinking is going to happen here?
Next time this happens, leap up and announce in a loud voice, "You know what, you've convinced me! I'm off to have a baby right now!!" and stride out purposefully.
Then go somewhere where folks let you drink in peace.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:23 PM on December 27, 2019 [14 favorites]
MetaFilter: a big drunken shitshow every year.
posted by kirkaracha at 10:20 PM on December 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by kirkaracha at 10:20 PM on December 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
you get drunk faster on a boat
My mom got remarried a couple of years after my dad died and she got married on a boat. On a Potomac River cruise. In winter.
My brother and sister and I weren't big fans of the groom, and that was before we had to wear boating outfits: polyester light blue Oxford button-downs, polyester khakis, polyester double-breasted brass-buttoned jackets, and penny loafers. (Hey, at least we were warm.) My sister had to wear a puffy floral prom dress. My sister is not a girly-girl.
The coping mechanism my brother and I used was Grand Marnier. Martini glasses of Grand Marnier. Lots of them.
We went down to the bar for more Grand Marnier and the bartender said he was out. We drank all the Grand Marnier on the boat.
And that's why I don't like parties on boats.
posted by kirkaracha at 10:29 PM on December 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
My mom got remarried a couple of years after my dad died and she got married on a boat. On a Potomac River cruise. In winter.
My brother and sister and I weren't big fans of the groom, and that was before we had to wear boating outfits: polyester light blue Oxford button-downs, polyester khakis, polyester double-breasted brass-buttoned jackets, and penny loafers. (Hey, at least we were warm.) My sister had to wear a puffy floral prom dress. My sister is not a girly-girl.
The coping mechanism my brother and I used was Grand Marnier. Martini glasses of Grand Marnier. Lots of them.
We went down to the bar for more Grand Marnier and the bartender said he was out. We drank all the Grand Marnier on the boat.
And that's why I don't like parties on boats.
posted by kirkaracha at 10:29 PM on December 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
Chuffy, this boat party wouldn't happen to have included chocolate fondue, would it?
My brother did an internship with Nestlé in college (Hotel Restaurant Management). They had a big party and my brother made chocolate fondue. With Hershey's, because it was cheaper. He got lots of compliments from the Nestlé execs. "Is this Nestlé?" "Of course!"
posted by kirkaracha at 10:36 PM on December 27, 2019 [8 favorites]
My brother did an internship with Nestlé in college (Hotel Restaurant Management). They had a big party and my brother made chocolate fondue. With Hershey's, because it was cheaper. He got lots of compliments from the Nestlé execs. "Is this Nestlé?" "Of course!"
posted by kirkaracha at 10:36 PM on December 27, 2019 [8 favorites]
Many years ago my partner and I were working overseas in a creative agency and they had their Christmas party. I was only a contract employee so I wasn’t invited but my boyfriend was permanent and he went so this story came from him.
The party was in full swing. It was a big firm with at least 300 staff. Once everyone was good and drunk, the head of the agency got some party supplies from an employee he was friends with and started handing them out to everyone, Oprah style. “Here’s an E for you, and an E for you, and E for you! Everybody gets an E!” That’s right, he had a bag of ecstasy with at least 100 pills and was handing them out to everyone. Did I mention we were in a country that had the death penalty for drugs? Never was I happier to skip an office party.
As a foot note, shortly after that we left the country but a few years later we heard that the employee who supplied him with the party favours got busted in a drug ring. The government drug squad had been keeping tabs on them for months. The employee wasn’t carrying but the other people in the group who actually had stuff on them got executed. If you gasped when you heard that, so did I.
posted by Jubey at 5:26 PM on December 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
The party was in full swing. It was a big firm with at least 300 staff. Once everyone was good and drunk, the head of the agency got some party supplies from an employee he was friends with and started handing them out to everyone, Oprah style. “Here’s an E for you, and an E for you, and E for you! Everybody gets an E!” That’s right, he had a bag of ecstasy with at least 100 pills and was handing them out to everyone. Did I mention we were in a country that had the death penalty for drugs? Never was I happier to skip an office party.
As a foot note, shortly after that we left the country but a few years later we heard that the employee who supplied him with the party favours got busted in a drug ring. The government drug squad had been keeping tabs on them for months. The employee wasn’t carrying but the other people in the group who actually had stuff on them got executed. If you gasped when you heard that, so did I.
posted by Jubey at 5:26 PM on December 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
you get drunk faster on a boat
Eh? I'm used to "you get drunk faster at altitude," but unfamiliar with this handed-down lore of Boat Drinking.
It's because you can't get away. There are not even enough bathrooms for all the introverts to hide in.
If it’s a big enough boat, and you have a big enough purse, you bring board games.
Sometimes it’s not a big enough boat and you are required to fish.
posted by tilde at 7:32 PM on December 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
This reminds me how much I like my colleagues.
There are very many bad things one can say about academia. But. . . it's still better than nearly every other job on the planet. At least until the revolution.
posted by eotvos at 5:28 PM on December 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
There are very many bad things one can say about academia. But. . . it's still better than nearly every other job on the planet. At least until the revolution.
posted by eotvos at 5:28 PM on December 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
we play this cruel gift exchange where you unwrap a gift and the next person can either choose a new gift or steal your gift and so on for the whole game. I have seen people cry during this game.
Because nothing says the holiday season and team-building like a co-worker grabbing your gift from your hands.
Can't say I was saddened when they stopped doing this kind of gift exchange at my office.
posted by gtrwolf at 8:35 AM on January 19, 2020
Because nothing says the holiday season and team-building like a co-worker grabbing your gift from your hands.
Can't say I was saddened when they stopped doing this kind of gift exchange at my office.
posted by gtrwolf at 8:35 AM on January 19, 2020
Whenever we did the cutthroat gift exchange, it was strictly gag gifts with a $5 limit, white elephants encouraged. There was a velvet Elvis painting that got passed around every year. It wouldn't have been fun with "real" gifts.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:58 PM on January 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:58 PM on January 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
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posted by East14thTaco at 9:04 AM on December 26, 2019 [3 favorites]