I ate the Pope
September 30, 2020 12:18 PM Subscribe
In a grand and sprawling strategy like Crusader Kings 3 (previously), it's important to have a personal goal along with the never-ending list of general objectives you want to accomplish. For one player, that personal goal came very quickly upon beginning the game.
His goal was to eat the Pope.
A real Popemurdered
posted by Going To Maine at 12:26 PM on September 30, 2020 [11 favorites]
posted by Going To Maine at 12:26 PM on September 30, 2020 [11 favorites]
In my last playthrough I was doing so well that I started a new religion that my kingdom enthusiastically embraced. But my player heir was OUT OF TOWN and didn't convert, so when he returned to inherit his kingdom he faced a revolt that fractured it into 8 pieces.
This game is insane and hilarious and fun and SO HARD but also SO GRATIFYING and I have Metafilter to thank for having heard about it and spending 80 hours on it. Total quarantine saver.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 12:30 PM on September 30, 2020 [7 favorites]
This game is insane and hilarious and fun and SO HARD but also SO GRATIFYING and I have Metafilter to thank for having heard about it and spending 80 hours on it. Total quarantine saver.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 12:30 PM on September 30, 2020 [7 favorites]
I'm assuming you pair Pope with ChĂąteauneuf-du-Pape instead of the usual Chianti and fava beans?
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:35 PM on September 30, 2020 [12 favorites]
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:35 PM on September 30, 2020 [12 favorites]
It's good to have a really concrete goal in life, like taking an infallible defecation.
posted by selfnoise at 12:43 PM on September 30, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by selfnoise at 12:43 PM on September 30, 2020 [7 favorites]
I started it a few days ago and am utterly lost on what to do, but hey, that's a form of doing something.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:45 PM on September 30, 2020
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:45 PM on September 30, 2020
I don't do a lot of gaming these days, but this takes me back to afternoons spent at my friend Mike's place trying to kill Lord British (we never actually managed it, although we came close a couple of times).
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:47 PM on September 30, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:47 PM on September 30, 2020 [6 favorites]
Chris Livingston (not the Papalphage, but the author of the article) is great; started following his work back in his Not My Desk age
Also I hope he made Pope-tarts with the leftovers
posted by The otter lady at 12:47 PM on September 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
Also I hope he made Pope-tarts with the leftovers
posted by The otter lady at 12:47 PM on September 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
It's good to have a really concrete goal in life, like taking an infallible defecation.
posted by selfnoise at 12:43 PM on
Poope
posted by The otter lady at 12:48 PM on September 30, 2020 [16 favorites]
It's good to have a really concrete goal in life, like taking an infallible defecation.
In the woods, I assume.
posted by zamboni at 1:09 PM on September 30, 2020 [10 favorites]
In the woods, I assume.
posted by zamboni at 1:09 PM on September 30, 2020 [10 favorites]
It's good to have a really concrete goal in life, like taking an infallible defecation.
In the woods, I assume.
A pope shat in the woods.
posted by Going To Maine at 1:14 PM on September 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
In the woods, I assume.
A pope shat in the woods.
posted by Going To Maine at 1:14 PM on September 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
I couldn't even make it through the tutorial of CK2 (not for lack of interest, I just couldn't figure out what the everliving fuck was going on), but I'm kinda tempted by the new version anyway. Maybe its UI will be a little less confusing.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:15 PM on September 30, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:15 PM on September 30, 2020 [4 favorites]
Same. I wish I could have even a tiny fraction of the fun other people are having with CK3. I understand how it works, but I have no idea how to accomplish anything in the game other than getting quickly conquered and forced out of the annals of history.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 1:18 PM on September 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 1:18 PM on September 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm in the same boat showbiz_liz. I've discovered during the pandemic that whatever executive function that made me able to play and enjoy strategy games like this in my youth is just gone now, which is a shame because everything I read or hear about this one lately makes it seem cool.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:26 PM on September 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:26 PM on September 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
*blows dust off book*
To serve⊠servus servorum Dei?
posted by zamboni at 1:28 PM on September 30, 2020 [5 favorites]
To serve⊠servus servorum Dei?
posted by zamboni at 1:28 PM on September 30, 2020 [5 favorites]
I started it a few days ago and am utterly lost on what to do, but hey, that's a form of doing something.
Since this isn't the type of game I normally play (Civ and Cities Skylines are more my speed), I found the tutorial game not just useful but completely critical to me being able to play the game at all.
posted by tclark at 1:42 PM on September 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
Since this isn't the type of game I normally play (Civ and Cities Skylines are more my speed), I found the tutorial game not just useful but completely critical to me being able to play the game at all.
posted by tclark at 1:42 PM on September 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
Papalphage
Surely "pontiphage", no?
posted by mr_roboto at 1:42 PM on September 30, 2020 [11 favorites]
Surely "pontiphage", no?
posted by mr_roboto at 1:42 PM on September 30, 2020 [11 favorites]
The learning curve for this game is really steep and long (perhaps not if you have experience with CK2). After many hours of play I am slowly getting better. I'm not sure I would recommend buying the game to someone on the fence about it, but if you already have it, I find it gets more enjoyable once you have started to figure stuff out. The tutorial is helpful but only covers a small fraction of the useful info, and the same goes for the in-game help.
Other than grinding through multiple playthroughs to learn things the hard way (for example, my last one I married off my heir for alliance strength but I discovered much later he still had negative fame which was brutal to deal with after the transition), there are some other resources like the wiki and of course YouTube. For example, this video on money was pretty helpful.
posted by exogenous at 1:43 PM on September 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
Other than grinding through multiple playthroughs to learn things the hard way (for example, my last one I married off my heir for alliance strength but I discovered much later he still had negative fame which was brutal to deal with after the transition), there are some other resources like the wiki and of course YouTube. For example, this video on money was pretty helpful.
posted by exogenous at 1:43 PM on September 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
I remember sitting down to CK2 after it was on sale for very cheap and several friends had been all about it, and I was disappointed that the game wanted me to do, like, military tactics. I like tactics games sometimes but I wanted to do insane geopolitical soap operas, not manage battles! So I've stuck with enjoying other people's stories about the emergent narratives.
posted by cortex at 1:49 PM on September 30, 2020
posted by cortex at 1:49 PM on September 30, 2020
Surely "pontiphage", no?
I would have gone with âSoylent Green is papal! Itâs papal!â
posted by notoriety public at 1:49 PM on September 30, 2020 [44 favorites]
I would have gone with âSoylent Green is papal! Itâs papal!â
posted by notoriety public at 1:49 PM on September 30, 2020 [44 favorites]
Pappy Meal
posted by cortex at 1:51 PM on September 30, 2020 [11 favorites]
posted by cortex at 1:51 PM on September 30, 2020 [11 favorites]
I'm another person who enjoys hearing people talk about this game, while not quite having the wherewithal to play it myself. I spent many hours playing assorted Civ and Starcraft and SimCity games back in the day, but in my old age and also on account of These Times, I can't do it anymore. Stardew Valley and playing Rimworld on the easiest storyteller with god mode enabled are about my speed nowadays. That said, I'm delighted that CK3 exists and that it allows for such hilarious possibilities. Especially fun are those brief moments where you get confused about whether someone's talking about actual history or their bonkers CK2 or CK3 game.
posted by yasaman at 2:06 PM on September 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by yasaman at 2:06 PM on September 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
Reading this I laughed, I cried, I wanted a nice Chianti and some fava beans.
posted by GuyZero at 2:09 PM on September 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by GuyZero at 2:09 PM on September 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
Now... Can you become a jewish rabbi cannibal as a leader? I.E. CAN YOU MAKE THE POPE KOSHER?
(To be clear - <<--- former Catholic)
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:43 PM on September 30, 2020 [3 favorites]
(To be clear - <<--- former Catholic)
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:43 PM on September 30, 2020 [3 favorites]
Surely "pontiphage", no?
And then pontificating?
posted by The otter lady at 2:54 PM on September 30, 2020 [6 favorites]
And then pontificating?
posted by The otter lady at 2:54 PM on September 30, 2020 [6 favorites]
" like taking an infallible defecation."
Not to be That Guy, but the defecation is only infallible when shat upon the Papal throne and pertaining to a (fecal) matter of faith and morals.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:11 PM on September 30, 2020 [5 favorites]
Not to be That Guy, but the defecation is only infallible when shat upon the Papal throne and pertaining to a (fecal) matter of faith and morals.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:11 PM on September 30, 2020 [5 favorites]
something something crapal bull
posted by cortex at 3:12 PM on September 30, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by cortex at 3:12 PM on September 30, 2020 [4 favorites]
Exorcizo te, omnis immĂșnde stercore, in nomine intestinum, et in nomine rectum iri, et in nomine ano, ut descedas ab hoc plasmate carnes ...
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:27 PM on September 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:27 PM on September 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
Pope John Paul Deuce
posted by zippy at 5:17 PM on September 30, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by zippy at 5:17 PM on September 30, 2020 [5 favorites]
JARL BJORN: *burps up some white cloth*
ATTENDANT: sir, did you eat the Pope's hat
JARL BJORN: ...
JARL BJORN: might 'er
posted by cortex at 5:30 PM on September 30, 2020 [7 favorites]
ATTENDANT: sir, did you eat the Pope's hat
JARL BJORN: ...
JARL BJORN: might 'er
posted by cortex at 5:30 PM on September 30, 2020 [7 favorites]
I just made my first empire today. I'm so proud of it.
posted by Your Childhood Pet Rock at 6:33 PM on September 30, 2020
posted by Your Childhood Pet Rock at 6:33 PM on September 30, 2020
From what I hear, CK3 puts a lot more effort into exposing some of the game's decision-making processes compared to CK2, so if your experience of CK2 was 'this seems interesting but impenetrable' you may find the sequel less impenetrable.
posted by Merus at 7:49 PM on September 30, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by Merus at 7:49 PM on September 30, 2020 [3 favorites]
If you want a very forgiving start, try the Kyrgyz Khanate in 867. You can easily outdo Genghis, in fact when he showed up I just swatted him down like a fly. |"Sorry Bro, the Nomadic Horse Empire is already here, you are too late."
posted by Meatbomb at 8:35 PM on September 30, 2020
posted by Meatbomb at 8:35 PM on September 30, 2020
Yes, yes, yes, that's all well and good but the burning question is ...
... was it BBQ Pope?
(trigger warning: Butthole Surfers)
posted by ZenMasterThis at 9:22 PM on September 30, 2020
... was it BBQ Pope?
(trigger warning: Butthole Surfers)
posted by ZenMasterThis at 9:22 PM on September 30, 2020
Tired: Excommunication
Wired: Reverse communion
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 10:42 PM on September 30, 2020 [8 favorites]
Wired: Reverse communion
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 10:42 PM on September 30, 2020 [8 favorites]
Aed of Maeth in Ireland 867 is a fantastic start due to Insular Christianity in general and its polygamy in particular. No allegiance to the Pope, Catholics hate you way less than they do everyone else and they wonât Holy War you until after you reform (to which: lack of temporal clergy is the only real problem with Insular and itâs a pretty big one, TBH). Four wives per leader gives you such a massive, massive advantage in terms of both forging alliances with Wessex/Mercia and bootstrapping a multi-threaded eugenics program where different branches of the family are each assigned a different inheritable trait to maximize in order to ultimately produce the omni-gifted ubermensch necessary to unlock the Strengthen Bloodline decision (and basically turn your entire line into UBERMENSCHEN FUR ALLE ZEIT...[wipes spittle]).
Anyways, while tribal culture means no siege weapons/crap infrastructure it also means functionally unlimited wars of conquest. You do need to take a break every few years to chill your whining peasants out, but roughly around the time youâve finished uniting Ireland either Malcolm (Scots) or whatever Jarl leads the Isles will have the Kingdom of Alba neatly giftwrapped for you to subjugate in a single clean war (Kingdom conquest and subjugate ruler are both once-per-lifetime and you spend one of those here). If youâve marriage allianced the southern English powers this is a walk in the park compared to claiming Dublin while fighting off your greatest perpetual irritation: bored vikings. Theyâre a constant pain to everyone in the northwestern quadrant of the map for any early start, and Ireland is definitely no exception. You canât even marry your way out of this because Norse religion wonât give you the benefit of the doubt all Christians will.
Once youâve got all of Ireland/Alba united into two Kingdoms youâll be old enough to start thinking about succession, and this is where the second major advantage of the Irish kicks in: Tannistry Elective succession laws, which if youâre manipulating your vassals/title holdings correctly makes for probably the cleanest transfer of power/minimum fragmentation possible while enabling you to simply pick the best successor, primogeniture be damned (if youâve been breeding your immediate family for inheritable intelligence youâll probably want to go with your youngest uber-talented adult son/grandson). If youâre the sort of player that rerolls their starts until their chosen ruler begins with no traits in conflict with their religion: you donât need to worry about your eldest son having that as well because three smart secondary wives = at least ten kids to choose from, and youâll probably want to select a grandson anyway. By the time your first heir has finished cleaning up what little inevitable title/council/opinion mess was created in the transfer of power, you should have had sufficient time to murder your way out of any lingering alliances with the southern English powers and youâre ready to begin steamrolling your way to a united Britannia, and from there, the world. Enjoy.
(Donât forget to convert all your conquests to Insular Christianity, btw. Missionary work means exhausting micromanagement but itâs essential for empire-scale cohesion.)
posted by Ryvar at 10:22 AM on October 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
Anyways, while tribal culture means no siege weapons/crap infrastructure it also means functionally unlimited wars of conquest. You do need to take a break every few years to chill your whining peasants out, but roughly around the time youâve finished uniting Ireland either Malcolm (Scots) or whatever Jarl leads the Isles will have the Kingdom of Alba neatly giftwrapped for you to subjugate in a single clean war (Kingdom conquest and subjugate ruler are both once-per-lifetime and you spend one of those here). If youâve marriage allianced the southern English powers this is a walk in the park compared to claiming Dublin while fighting off your greatest perpetual irritation: bored vikings. Theyâre a constant pain to everyone in the northwestern quadrant of the map for any early start, and Ireland is definitely no exception. You canât even marry your way out of this because Norse religion wonât give you the benefit of the doubt all Christians will.
Once youâve got all of Ireland/Alba united into two Kingdoms youâll be old enough to start thinking about succession, and this is where the second major advantage of the Irish kicks in: Tannistry Elective succession laws, which if youâre manipulating your vassals/title holdings correctly makes for probably the cleanest transfer of power/minimum fragmentation possible while enabling you to simply pick the best successor, primogeniture be damned (if youâve been breeding your immediate family for inheritable intelligence youâll probably want to go with your youngest uber-talented adult son/grandson). If youâre the sort of player that rerolls their starts until their chosen ruler begins with no traits in conflict with their religion: you donât need to worry about your eldest son having that as well because three smart secondary wives = at least ten kids to choose from, and youâll probably want to select a grandson anyway. By the time your first heir has finished cleaning up what little inevitable title/council/opinion mess was created in the transfer of power, you should have had sufficient time to murder your way out of any lingering alliances with the southern English powers and youâre ready to begin steamrolling your way to a united Britannia, and from there, the world. Enjoy.
(Donât forget to convert all your conquests to Insular Christianity, btw. Missionary work means exhausting micromanagement but itâs essential for empire-scale cohesion.)
posted by Ryvar at 10:22 AM on October 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
Not bad, Ryvar, but did you eat the Pope?
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:49 AM on October 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:49 AM on October 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
Currently dealing with the enormous micromanagement burden of implementing the so-called North Korean strategy (upon reaching multi-empire scale, revoke all titles until every last county is centralized under your direct, personal rule. Use building bonuses drawn from your 100+ counties to not only compensate for but eventually wildly overrun the -90% capped tax/levy penalty from personally holding too many territories). This is a bit of a rush job for me since I assume NK strategy is a prime target for future balance patches. I've already backed up my installation and disabled auto-updates so I have the time to thoroughly enjoy stomping the entire world flat in classic Civ 1/2 mechanized infantry vs club-wielding cavemen fashion.
Having my forthcoming Ahnold+Einstein heir torture and eat the Pope is next on the list.
posted by Ryvar at 11:48 AM on October 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
Having my forthcoming Ahnold+Einstein heir torture and eat the Pope is next on the list.
posted by Ryvar at 11:48 AM on October 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
I want to read an essay on "breaking the game" as a playstyle.
posted by GuyZero at 1:26 PM on October 1, 2020
posted by GuyZero at 1:26 PM on October 1, 2020
This is a bit of a rush job for me since I assume NK strategy is a prime target for future balance patches.
Already patched in the latest version - the penalty now goes to 100% when pushed far enough.
posted by NoxAeternum at 3:24 PM on October 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
Already patched in the latest version - the penalty now goes to 100% when pushed far enough.
posted by NoxAeternum at 3:24 PM on October 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
@guyzero Here you go: The Spiffing Brit's "⊠is a perfectly balanced game with no exploits" series.
posted by saizai at 3:49 PM on October 1, 2020
posted by saizai at 3:49 PM on October 1, 2020
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