Squirrel Holocaust
March 31, 2006 3:21 PM Subscribe
British government one step closer to Final Solution. The inferior race has taken over the great majority of our country, forcing out the decent natives, and must be exterminated. The £1 per confirmed kill bounty proved inadequate. Only through a mass poisoning campaign can our local boys gain deserved ascendance over the invaders. The plan has sterling supporters.
Aw shucks, idontlikewords, I had an albino squirrel in my neighborhood when I lived in the Upper Midwest — it was pretty good cover for him in the snowy months. Pretty surprising he got away from the hawks and owls year in and year out, though.
posted by Zurishaddai at 3:34 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by Zurishaddai at 3:34 PM on March 31, 2006
Squirrelpox. I'm sure it's probably a terrible, awful disease, but the name is somewhat comical. Squirrelpox, heh.
posted by schmedeman at 3:37 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by schmedeman at 3:37 PM on March 31, 2006
Die, alien tree rats, die... just to add to the post, this was actually debated in the Lords the other day. Try here for all sorts of amusement. My favorite quote:
Lady Saltoun of Abernethy: Red squirrels are rather like quiet, well-behaved people, who do not make a nuisance or an exhibition of themselves, or commit crimes, and so do not get themselves into the papers in the vulgar way grey squirrels do.
posted by greycap at 3:41 PM on March 31, 2006
Lady Saltoun of Abernethy: Red squirrels are rather like quiet, well-behaved people, who do not make a nuisance or an exhibition of themselves, or commit crimes, and so do not get themselves into the papers in the vulgar way grey squirrels do.
posted by greycap at 3:41 PM on March 31, 2006
First they came for the tree dwelling rodents, and I said nothing ...
posted by Blue Stone at 3:42 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by Blue Stone at 3:42 PM on March 31, 2006
Do they taste different?
posted by shnoz-gobblin at 3:45 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by shnoz-gobblin at 3:45 PM on March 31, 2006
Maybe one day England will have this much compassion for human beings.
posted by cell divide at 3:46 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by cell divide at 3:46 PM on March 31, 2006
schmedeman - wait till you hear about the deadly effects of Fluffythrax.
posted by Artw at 3:54 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by Artw at 3:54 PM on March 31, 2006
Please, don't try to tell me the British don't have a hidden agenda here. A succulent, mouthwatering agenda served with a side of foie gras torte with leek and dauphinoise potatoes.
posted by maryh at 4:04 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by maryh at 4:04 PM on March 31, 2006
This is a terrible idea. An oppressed squirrel will rise up, don a mask, and blow up Parliament.
posted by Justinian at 4:04 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by Justinian at 4:04 PM on March 31, 2006
I've never understood why they aren't as popular as other game - they're not too bad to eat (my grandfather shot and cooked a few for me in his time - I didn't have much time for infant anthropomorphism when staying at his house). Better than a crappy burger full of reclaimed meat, anyway.
posted by greycap at 4:11 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by greycap at 4:11 PM on March 31, 2006
I volunteer to start here in Florida if that helps....
It's the thought that counts right?
posted by photoslob at 4:16 PM on March 31, 2006
It's the thought that counts right?
posted by photoslob at 4:16 PM on March 31, 2006
Grey squirrels? In New York, all ours are grey. I'm sure the Bush Amdinistration is behind their introduction into Europe!
posted by ParisParamus at 4:24 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by ParisParamus at 4:24 PM on March 31, 2006
I will fucking eat you and your children. Don't not mess with me.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:35 PM on March 31, 2006
Of course, before you eat such a prime specimen, you must feed them with as many peanuts, walnuts, and acorns as thy can stomach (before they start hiding them), then a little garlic salt and a pinch of sage, (for a gamey taste)and you are eating GOOD!
posted by shnoz-gobblin at 4:49 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by shnoz-gobblin at 4:49 PM on March 31, 2006
In Toronto they have these black angus squirrels. They look a little skinny, but I hear the taste is sublime...
posted by Eekacat at 5:17 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by Eekacat at 5:17 PM on March 31, 2006
It is evident that the grays have what is popularly referred to as a fuzzy-wuzzy ickle tum-tum. I can find no pictorial evidence proving the same of the reds, and therefore I declare the grays to be the superior species.
Never having seen a red in the flesh, however, I am willing to be swayed on the basis of any further photographic evidence that may come to light.
Who 'as an ickle fuzzy-wuzzy tum-tum, den? Who does? Who does?
posted by booksandlibretti at 5:54 PM on March 31, 2006
Never having seen a red in the flesh, however, I am willing to be swayed on the basis of any further photographic evidence that may come to light.
Who 'as an ickle fuzzy-wuzzy tum-tum, den? Who does? Who does?
posted by booksandlibretti at 5:54 PM on March 31, 2006
G2 had a nice article a while back - Our hatred of certain furry foreigners - pointing out that some 30% of supposedly indigenous British mammals are imports, and suggesting an agenda of control fantasy: the idea that you can keep the ecosystem in stasis.
posted by raygirvan at 6:02 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by raygirvan at 6:02 PM on March 31, 2006
As long as they don't cull the precious albino squirrels!
posted by scblackman at 6:12 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by scblackman at 6:12 PM on March 31, 2006
This thread is absurdly funny, but at the same time, really not funny at all, in fact, kind of grim. Is there a word for that?
posted by psmealey at 6:28 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by psmealey at 6:28 PM on March 31, 2006
Grimmunny!
posted by shnoz-gobblin at 6:47 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by shnoz-gobblin at 6:47 PM on March 31, 2006
Um, I was always taught (by forest specialists, too) that reds and greys had lived in different habitats. Reds were pretty much coniferous forests only, while greys preferred deciduous, but could do coniferous too, if they had to. It was mostly down to loss of old-growth conifers (and none of your Shitka plantations, please) that caused the decline in reds.
UK squirrels are crap compared to Canadian ones. The greys around Toronto are mostly black, though there are local variations; some Grange Park squirrels are black with tan tails, and many around Queens Park are black with beige ears. The reds are tiny little things which have no idea of scale or fear; they'll run right down a branch and scold you from up close.
And don't get me started on chipmunks and groundhogs ...
posted by scruss at 7:13 PM on March 31, 2006
UK squirrels are crap compared to Canadian ones. The greys around Toronto are mostly black, though there are local variations; some Grange Park squirrels are black with tan tails, and many around Queens Park are black with beige ears. The reds are tiny little things which have no idea of scale or fear; they'll run right down a branch and scold you from up close.
And don't get me started on chipmunks and groundhogs ...
posted by scruss at 7:13 PM on March 31, 2006
UK and Canadian squirrels tremble in fear at the thought of the dreaded Kaibab Squirrel of the Grand Canyon, with its Tufty Ears of Transfinite Doom.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:22 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:22 PM on March 31, 2006
Scrumptious skwerl recipes are fine, but why not use this Watership Up occasion to acquire a few squirrely accessories like a decanter, lamp, flying squirrel, or punk rocker? Stylish squirrel coat prices will probably drop, or you could learn to tan their little hides yourself.
posted by cenoxo at 7:25 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by cenoxo at 7:25 PM on March 31, 2006
Keep yer eyes on the squirrels! They are crafty little buggers.
posted by malaprohibita at 7:25 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by malaprohibita at 7:25 PM on March 31, 2006
Yes, this is a terrific idea. Every time humans becomes involved with"managing" nature, the outcome is always good for both nature and for man.
posted by aubin at 7:29 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by aubin at 7:29 PM on March 31, 2006
I love Squirrels. The look like they're smiling
posted by ParisParamus at 7:35 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by ParisParamus at 7:35 PM on March 31, 2006
(Truth, ROU_Xenophobe. Those Kaibob squirrels are tough customers. Halfway down a hike into the canyon, one jumped up on a rock next to me while I was spray misting myself with a water bottle, so of course I had to spray mist him, too. He stood up on his widdle hind legs and soaked it up. When I stopped and turned to a friend to point out his fizzy fuzzy timtum, I suddenly felt this hard slap on the nozzle- almost hard enough to knock the bottle out of my hand- and when I turned he was standing there, stock still, just glaring at me. I gave him a few more spritzes then backed away slowly... He followed me for quite a way, hissing and chittering. I think he was calling me a water-hoarding beeyotch in rodent argot.)
posted by maryh at 7:51 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by maryh at 7:51 PM on March 31, 2006
If we don't set up security fences and checkpoints now, the pesky furballs will make a run for it...
posted by cenoxo at 8:07 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by cenoxo at 8:07 PM on March 31, 2006
Um, I was always taught (by forest specialists, too) that reds and greys had lived in different habitats.
Perhaps that is the difference between American Greys/Reds and them poofy English Reds. Because I otherwise agree with your report.
(look at the English Reds. They look different than the American Reds.)
posted by rough ashlar at 8:20 PM on March 31, 2006
Perhaps that is the difference between American Greys/Reds and them poofy English Reds. Because I otherwise agree with your report.
(look at the English Reds. They look different than the American Reds.)
posted by rough ashlar at 8:20 PM on March 31, 2006
I love Squirrels. The look like they're smiling
posted by ParisParamus at 7:35 PM PST on March 31 [!]
Thank you for letting us know about your beastality issue.
posted by rough ashlar at 8:21 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by ParisParamus at 7:35 PM PST on March 31 [!]
Thank you for letting us know about your beastality issue.
posted by rough ashlar at 8:21 PM on March 31, 2006
On the subject of urban pests - pidgeons.
They're disgusting, hopping on tables looking for food scraps, nesting wherever they please and crapping all over. They're as bad as rats, even without the threat of bird flu.
posted by spazzm at 9:49 PM on March 31, 2006
They're disgusting, hopping on tables looking for food scraps, nesting wherever they please and crapping all over. They're as bad as rats, even without the threat of bird flu.
posted by spazzm at 9:49 PM on March 31, 2006
Squirrels are cute. Pigeons are cute too. But they both make great targets. Box of .22 ammo and a 6 pack of Rolling Rock, and it's on!
posted by drstein at 11:28 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by drstein at 11:28 PM on March 31, 2006
And then there's magpies, too, which scare off other birds and generally make a nuisance of themselves by eating fruit from trees and so on - I have seen neighbours use the tactic of shooting one and hanging it from a tree "pour encourager les autres"...
posted by greycap at 11:47 PM on March 31, 2006
posted by greycap at 11:47 PM on March 31, 2006
The Brits are such xenophobes
Ecosystems are symbolic!
/squirrel haiku
posted by mowglisambo at 1:40 AM on April 1, 2006
excuse me, it is late. that's not an actual haiku
posted by mowglisambo at 1:42 AM on April 1, 2006
posted by mowglisambo at 1:42 AM on April 1, 2006
Good. British red squirrels are so much cuter than those rough, ugly American ones. They have a better sense of irony, too. If it wasn't for their inferior teeth they'd definitely have done better in the nut shelling and squirrel scrapping stakes.
posted by Decani at 8:04 AM on April 1, 2006
posted by Decani at 8:04 AM on April 1, 2006
Anyone up for helping the squirrel working class unionise? I think there's a glorious Revolution waiting for the squirrel trade unionists and squirrel squatters and squirrel leftist intellectuals against the oppressive BU$$$HIT poodle, Blair and his so-called biodiversity minister.
posted by tommorris at 1:24 PM on April 1, 2006
posted by tommorris at 1:24 PM on April 1, 2006
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posted by idontlikewords at 3:30 PM on March 31, 2006