I've got pieces that have never been close to one another

January 14, 2007 10:54 AM

Wo-wo-wo-windows wo-wo-windows windows/386 will pull these parts together and do it mighty quick. (Google video; start around minute 7) (via)
posted by klausness (64 comments total)

Is that Jan Smithers' cousin?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:03 AM on January 14, 2007

You know what is REALLY sad. Microsoft STILL uses the über hacky "Mission Impossible" theme to this fucking day. It comes up in one form or another in every god damned campaign I have EVER worked on. I shit you not.
posted by tkchrist at 11:14 AM on January 14, 2007

Wow! I’m getting my XT down from the attic and up-grading to 286 and then to 386. Then I can do all that cool stuff too—drawings, charts, more charts, go on-line, kick corporate ass, turn into a punked-out crack whore (or whatever that was). Oh my. Very funny.
posted by BillyElmore at 11:17 AM on January 14, 2007

And that was supposed to attract people? Holy hell.
posted by twine42 at 11:18 AM on January 14, 2007

My favorite parts are the way the boss congratulates her, which is damn near pornographic ("This is verrrry good!") and then how she walks out to a room full of applause, and she's only two feet tall.
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 11:25 AM on January 14, 2007

Metafilter: "WWWIIIILLLLLIAM!!!"

Uh oh. These are 1 2 3 files. That doesn't look like 1 2 3.

Just out of curiosity. Was that an attempt at rapping? Or just... being hip. or something.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 11:26 AM on January 14, 2007

Hey. My cousin wrote the Mission: Impossible theme.

Well, a distant cousin, but still.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:32 AM on January 14, 2007

What the holy ever living fuck was that.
posted by empath at 11:33 AM on January 14, 2007

Direct link to the 7 minute mark / hidden Google Video feature: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4915875929930836239#7m00s
posted by revgeorge at 11:42 AM on January 14, 2007 [12 favorites]

The Mission: Impossible theme is one of two songs I refuse to play on request on the piano. The second is Linus and Lucy (The Peanuts Theme).

This is because my classmates in elementary school made me play both of them after chorus practice. Every damn time. I'm scarred.

Thank your (distant) cousin for me, Astro Zombie.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 11:45 AM on January 14, 2007

This was worth it just to find out that hidden Google feature! Now I can jump to the 7 minute mark for any video! Thanks!
posted by bomeezy at 11:53 AM on January 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Wow, revgeorge, that hidden feature is going to come in handy sometime: good tip, thanks!
posted by imperium at 11:54 AM on January 14, 2007

That was horrendous, and yet I couldn't stop watching. I kept begging my computer to crash but it wouldn't. Too bad I am running Ta-Ta-Ta-Ta-Ta-Tiger!
posted by mds35 at 11:55 AM on January 14, 2007

Lalo Schifrin, Astro Zombie? Very cool, if for nothing else, then for the Eyewitness News theme.
posted by evilcolonel at 12:28 PM on January 14, 2007

I wish my computer had an ON/OFF switch in the back.
posted by furtive at 12:29 PM on January 14, 2007

Crack-smoking monkeys indeed.
posted by tommasz at 12:30 PM on January 14, 2007

Why did she use shuttle clip art on every page?
posted by drezdn at 12:33 PM on January 14, 2007

Yeah, I'm a Schifrin on my grandmother's side.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:35 PM on January 14, 2007

Now I'm really, really scared that running windows will turn me into a badly rapping, colorblind, sunglasses-wearing, hair-streaked, eighties pop-rock... thing with an alternate identity as a mild-mannered secretary with owlish glasses and a strange bow-tie.
They warn us about RSI as a danger of computer use, why not about something like this?
posted by PontifexPrimus at 12:37 PM on January 14, 2007

WHAT THE GIBBERING MONKEY FUCK WAS THAT
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:04 PM on January 14, 2007

This is only slightly related, but watching this brought a long-buried memory back to me: that of the Windows 95 introduction video starring Matthew Perry and Jennifer Aniston and featuring the "world's first cyber sitcom".
posted by chudmonkey at 1:11 PM on January 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

I refuse to believe that was real.
posted by leftoverboy at 1:15 PM on January 14, 2007

Old school.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 1:20 PM on January 14, 2007

Wow. Embarrassingly unwatchable even from a train wreck standpoint.

I wonder what Miss I'm Using Windows is doing these days? I mean besides trying to burn every tape, film, hard drive, network connection, etc. that that video touches.
posted by smallerdemon at 1:23 PM on January 14, 2007

Needs more shuttle.
posted by BaxterG4 at 1:29 PM on January 14, 2007 [2 favorites]

My eyes… the goggles do nothing!
posted by Grod at 1:39 PM on January 14, 2007

This is pretty much why I worked overtime for two years to be able to afford a Mac II (which turned out to be a IIcx by the time I had the bankroll collected).
posted by Heywood Mogroot at 1:40 PM on January 14, 2007

did anybody else notice that in the end, the big revelation was that she was only 3 feet tall?
posted by shmegegge at 1:47 PM on January 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

So, TGI Fridays is buying the space shuttle?

More, from the fine lead actress.
posted by dirigibleman at 1:48 PM on January 14, 2007

THE GOGGLES THEY DO NOTHING!!!!!!
posted by localroger at 2:01 PM on January 14, 2007

Now I'm really, really scared that running windows will turn me into a badly rapping, colorblind, sunglasses-wearing, hair-streaked, eighties pop-rock... thing

Then you'd be the warrior, and victory would be yours.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:04 PM on January 14, 2007

PRINTING!

Hilarious stuff. I can't believe this was state of the art for Windows in 1988. Interesting that they consider their main competitor OS/2 rather than the Mac and System 6.

I just figured out that Microsoft and IBM were collaborating on OS/2 at the time - hence the mainframe guys referring to the platform "still being reviewed" and the heroine stating that she'll be "ahead of the curve" when it comes out.

The shuttle reference seems a bit strange, but recall that 1988 marked the first launch since the 1986 Challenger explosion.
posted by aladfar at 2:05 PM on January 14, 2007

I assume this is her?
posted by empath at 2:12 PM on January 14, 2007

CitrusFreak12 - I think they were refering to IBM Lotus 123 spreadsheet. It was ubiquitous during the pre-Windows 3.1 era. Wordperfect was the other "killer app."

Then somehow Microsoft Office became the norm (although I think that some law offices still use Wordperfect?).
posted by porpoise at 2:16 PM on January 14, 2007

So, we've come a long way from this to...


Welcome to the Social. I'm afraid it's utterly hopeless.
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:18 PM on January 14, 2007

porpoise: Lotus wasn't owned by IBM back then.
posted by grouse at 2:41 PM on January 14, 2007

the Windows 95 introduction video starring Matthew Perry and Jennifer Aniston and featuring the "world's first cyber sitcom"

Thank you so much for this. Seriously.
posted by chrismear at 2:43 PM on January 14, 2007

Thank you so much for this. Seriously.

No prob, Chris. You can buy me a Coke when I'm in London next week. =)

Watching the Windows 95 video today actually brought back some of the excitement I felt when I watched it the first time in 1995. That really help to offset the horror I felt earlier in the day while reading about how much Vista will suck.
posted by chudmonkey at 3:00 PM on January 14, 2007

Ooh, thanks for the factoid porpoise. I remember Wordperfect, but not that one.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 3:01 PM on January 14, 2007

Ah, grouse - you're correct, of course.

It's kind of interesting that they're referring to the spreadsheet software as 123, like saying 'Kleenex' to mean tissue paper. I guess 'Excel' is used to refer to a spreadsheet now regardless of which piece of software it is.

Funny, though - I hear 'Xerox' (to refer to photocopying something) much less now than when I was in undergrad in the 'States (it's just 'make a copy' or 'photocopy').

The Apple Macintosh superbowl ad has aged better than this promo video - I wonder if the Dell "Dude" commercials are going to get mocked in 10, 20 years time (well, even more ridiculed)?
posted by porpoise at 3:34 PM on January 14, 2007

so, basically, the message we get from this is simple ... windows will drive you crazy

got it
posted by pyramid termite at 3:49 PM on January 14, 2007

porpoise : "It's kind of interesting that they're referring to the spreadsheet software as 123"

I don't think it's that. The guy wasn't saying "That doesn't look like spreadsheet software" when he said "That doesn't look like 123". He was saying "That doesn't look like Lotus 123" when he said it...because he wasn't used to The Amazingness Of Multiple Applications, so you could have some non-123 application, and behind it, in another window, Lotus 123.
posted by Bugbread at 3:58 PM on January 14, 2007

What's sad is that I've got a pair of oldskool Gargoyles shades.
posted by Smart Dalek at 4:37 PM on January 14, 2007

I squirted.
posted by bhayes82 at 4:54 PM on January 14, 2007

Oh Victoria Carver, you make me so glad I've never had to act for a living.
posted by A dead Quaker at 5:05 PM on January 14, 2007

how much Vista will suck.

Interesting. I hadn't been keeping track of Microsoft lately. I was actually thinking about trying Vista until I started reading that. If a third of that stuff is true, it's like whoever was in charge of their marketing in 1988 has since moved on to being their chief systems architect or something.

...In order to demonstrate their commitment to the cause, Microsoft have recommended as part of their "robustness rules" that vendors license third-party code obfuscation tools to provide virus-like stealth capabilities for their device drivers in order to make it difficult to interfere with their operations or reverse-engineer them.

Oh yes, that should certainly help make it "robust."
posted by sfenders at 5:54 PM on January 14, 2007

Ugggggh. Can we just agree that everything from the 80s should be forgotten and move on? I mean, as a society? As a race of people?

I guess not. If we forget, we are doomed to repeat.

It just depresses me though...
posted by jeffamaphone at 5:56 PM on January 14, 2007

bugbread, it wasn't even that. In those days being able to easily convert from one program file format to another was still relatively new and an important feature for offices that had already "standardized" on something was to sell them on interoperability. The pitch was "Windows/386 will not mean incompatibility with Lotus 1-2-3", even though Lotus 1-2-3 for Windows was still a few years off.
posted by dhartung at 5:59 PM on January 14, 2007

That was the scariest commercial I've seen in years. Especially the star's "business suit."
posted by davy at 6:13 PM on January 14, 2007

Sometimes kitsch is fun, sometimes it is not.....
posted by caddis at 6:21 PM on January 14, 2007

Oh, I see why I never heard of it: Windows/386 was a development of Windows 2.0. Way before my time. In those days I was still using a big manual typewriter; computers were expensive then.

Was anybody surprised when she went online -- AND found what she wanted right away? I had no idea AOL was so efficient!
posted by davy at 6:26 PM on January 14, 2007

WHAT, I say, WHAT the fucking hell?

That was the latest in a series of events that caused me to doubt my sanity today.
posted by Stunt at 6:27 PM on January 14, 2007

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4915875929930836239#7m00s

Is there a trick like this for Youtube?
posted by neuron at 6:33 PM on January 14, 2007

Squirting? Wow, what genius thought that up?
posted by bob sarabia at 6:52 PM on January 14, 2007

Mommy?
posted by nola at 7:01 PM on January 14, 2007

bugbread - "I can't believe it's not butter!"
posted by porpoise at 7:07 PM on January 14, 2007

That was WAY too much like a porn video..down to the ugly moustached guy, dim lighting, poor production, strange sexual tension, stilted dialogue, ridiculous plot...I got really nervous when she started taking off her shoes.

Her ersatz Madonna/Lauper/WTF ever act is no weirder than seeing a naked guy in a plastic cape declare himself "the black avenger" before going at it with a woman in a leopardskin teddy. Which I have seen.

Which also reminds me, it's been a long time since I owned a pair of cornflower blue pantyhose. Or anything with a floppy bow at the collar. Danke Gott.
posted by emjaybee at 7:49 PM on January 14, 2007

From what I've heard, industrials and softcore porn had a lot in common back in the 80s, mainly because often, independent production companies did both, sometimes even on the same stage. For example, here in SF, One Pass Video (my heritage), King Street and Third Street Studios (TRIVIA: where Behind the Green Door was shot) were somewhat open to that sort of thing if the money was right.

One of my friends who was a carpenter back in those days told me about one night, after a Ron Popeil ad for the slice-o-matic was done, the producer called in another set of people and had them making out on the set. The DP just moved the camera in.

Another time he was doing a "get rich through hedge funds" industrial and the set next to his was using an awful lot of red paint. He went over to get a bucket and had to do a double take at the couple screwing against a cross (the stage was owned by a couple religious freaks.) Somewhat shockingly, in his opinion, the set was painted red and they painted the cross silver and black.

I'd kill to have a time machine and work in 80s SF. As it is, there's no industry at all (aside from rig-light calls for MacWorld, IDC and various java/unix/.net/flavor-of-the-month things.)

And I thought the lighting was fine for a 1-hour prelight on a 2-day industrial job. I've done worse myself.
posted by electronslave at 10:12 PM on January 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Squirting? Wow, what genius thought that up?

That would be Charles Stross, believe it or not. He's a mefite, even.

And who helped popularize it? Boingboing's own Cory Doctorow, also a mefite of old.
posted by shmegegge at 10:16 PM on January 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Damn I'm going to open up an excel spreadsheet right now and go HOG WILD!!
posted by Skygazer at 10:28 PM on January 14, 2007

The music played at the start (before the MI theme) sounds a lot like incidental music used in the original Star Trek series.

Corporate raider "T-Bone Perkins" is a reference to T. Boone Pickens.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 1:40 PM on January 16, 2007

Also: Is the receptionist supposed to have a southern accent or a Noo Yawk accent?
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 1:43 PM on January 16, 2007

Microsoft: The Soul of the New Machines
posted by headless at 8:04 PM on January 16, 2007

Also: Is the receptionist supposed to have a southern accent or a Noo Yawk accent?

southern illinois ... maybe kentucky

by the way ... she's kinda hot
posted by pyramid termite at 10:04 PM on January 16, 2007