Let Slip The Badgers of War

July 12, 2007 8:32 AM

Dateline Basra: "We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area."
posted by WPW (75 comments total)

Well, that's a relief!
posted by clevershark at 8:35 AM on July 12, 2007

mushroom, mushroom
posted by fleetmouse at 8:35 AM on July 12, 2007 [5 favorites]

Cry haddock!
posted by steef at 8:37 AM on July 12, 2007 [2 favorites]

"I did not have sex with that woman."
posted by hermitosis at 8:39 AM on July 12, 2007

Someone had to do it.
posted by miss lynnster at 8:39 AM on July 12, 2007

mushroom, mushroom

Damn you for making me have to watch that yet again!!!
posted by spotty_dog at 8:41 AM on July 12, 2007

We don't need no steenking badgers.
posted by MtDewd at 8:46 AM on July 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

Wife's reaction: "Oh, they're cute!"

Not if one of them kicks in your door at 3am, they ain't.
posted by WPW at 8:46 AM on July 12, 2007

Make friends with the Badger....


I think the Dead Milkmen did it.
posted by SaintCynr at 8:47 AM on July 12, 2007

Liars. Operation Snake, It's A Snake, Ohhhh, It's A Snaaaake! went off just as planned. Jason Leopold told me all about it.
posted by Pope Guilty at 8:51 AM on July 12, 2007

But several of the creatures, caught and killed by local farmers, have been identified by experts as honey badgers.

Oh, now the tables are turned! And just in time for lunch!
posted by NationalKato at 8:53 AM on July 12, 2007

I dunno, I remember reading an awful lot about Blue and Green Badgers lately.
posted by grobstein at 8:53 AM on July 12, 2007

This occasion calls for very special mushroom, befitting a man eating badger.
posted by prostyle at 8:54 AM on July 12, 2007

I think we can safely say Iraq surely is lost.
posted by PHINC at 8:57 AM on July 12, 2007 [2 favorites]

I have seen those fucking badgers & they are angry.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 8:57 AM on July 12, 2007

Metafilter: My husband hurried to shoot it but it was as swift as a deer. It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey.
posted by es_de_bah at 9:02 AM on July 12, 2007

I ahve just now decided that I am going to write a 1970s-style exploitation film called Kung Fu Bitches, and the main character is going to be named Honey Badger.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:05 AM on July 12, 2007

Go Badgers!
posted by caddis at 9:07 AM on July 12, 2007

I can categorically state that I have released a badger into my pants. Also, I am happy to see you.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 9:09 AM on July 12, 2007

The badgers are not in Baghdad. My initial assessment is that all the humans will die.
posted by DU at 9:09 AM on July 12, 2007

These little cuties are dangerous?

UH-OH.
posted by davy at 9:11 AM on July 12, 2007

Honey Badger
posted by caddis at 9:14 AM on July 12, 2007

Jesus, you can't even climb a tree to escape those fuckers! What chance do we have? Why isn't science addressing this threat? I want Badger Missile Defense NOW!
posted by NationalKato at 9:17 AM on July 12, 2007

I want one! I don't need any neighbors anyway!
posted by davy at 9:17 AM on July 12, 2007

At this point in the war, when every single coalition strategy has failed, why the hell not try badgers? Or spider monkeys? Or fill several million water balloons with potent deli mustard with which to bombard the Sunni triangle like one big, sandy pastrami sandwich?

Any of these plans makes about as much sense as standing in the middle of a civil war and asking everyone to settle down.
posted by EatTheWeek at 9:19 AM on July 12, 2007 [2 favorites]

potent deli mustard with which to bombard the Sunni triangle like one big, sandy pastrami sandwich?

Man, that would go great with some honey badgers right about now.
posted by NationalKato at 9:24 AM on July 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

I neither confirm nor deny my location.
posted by badger_flammable at 9:26 AM on July 12, 2007

Homer vs. Badger
posted by blaneyphoto at 9:29 AM on July 12, 2007

No, no, the plan was to make a huge wooden badger, then wait until they fall asleep...
posted by InfidelZombie at 9:29 AM on July 12, 2007

Badgers?

We didn't release no stinking badgers!
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:33 AM on July 12, 2007 [2 favorites]

Any of these plans makes about as much sense as standing in the middle of a civil war and asking everyone to settle down.

or better yet we could hang out in heavily armed forts, occasionally going out to blow shit up and give weapons and training to anyone that asks, while building massive strategic military bases and playing puppet-show with the "government."

and then send the badgers...

fucking badgers.
posted by geos at 9:35 AM on July 12, 2007

When will the cover-ups end???
posted by boo_radley at 9:39 AM on July 12, 2007

These badgers will kick your ass. They kick the ass of lions. They are unstoppable, people.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 9:41 AM on July 12, 2007

Badgers ripped my flesh!
posted by doctorschlock at 9:41 AM on July 12, 2007

"Look out! Those badgers are badgering!"

"Someone should stop them, before they enter that building!"

"Stop them? Their teeth are so terrifying, the way they tear apart everything-"

"-Ooohhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!"
posted by Smart Dalek at 9:46 AM on July 12, 2007

Zappa ref. FTW
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 9:50 AM on July 12, 2007

"People think I have got the power cause I've got the badgers. Nope. I've got the power because I'll let the badgers loose... they don't understand. They goddamn don't understand THAT... and they goddamn don't understand me. But that's okay. That's all right, see... cause people... they understand badgers."

God, I love badgers.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:05 AM on July 12, 2007

The British Badger is much cuter
posted by zeoslap at 10:05 AM on July 12, 2007

"There is a bloody brave little animal in Africa called the honey badger. It may be the meanest animal in the world. It kills for malice and for sport and it does not go for the jugular--it goes straight for the groin. It has a lot in common with the modern American woman."
Robert Ruark

* Working from memory, I'm pretty sure this is paraphrased, but the book is out of print and this is the only quote I can find.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 10:05 AM on July 12, 2007

Man eating badgers causing controversy in New Jersey
posted by phaedon at 10:07 AM on July 12, 2007

Also: I never realized how well the Buffy theme song leant itself to a fast-paced chant of "Badgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadger, Badgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadger, Badgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadgerbadger..." so thanks for that, caddis!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:10 AM on July 12, 2007

There it is... my day is now made.
posted by AspectRatio at 10:11 AM on July 12, 2007

Those are the cutest badgers I have ever seen; my back yard longs for one of those badgers.
posted by jamjam at 10:25 AM on July 12, 2007

One housewife, Suad Hassan, 30, claimed she had been attacked by one of the badgers as she slept.

I object, your honor. She's witnessing the badger.
posted by pracowity at 10:27 AM on July 12, 2007 [19 favorites]

Finally, I get to deploy the dachshund assault team I've been training for the last three years.

I told you we'd need them! Who's crazy now?
posted by quin at 10:33 AM on July 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

This is the city: Basra, Iraq. I work here. My name's Friday. I carry a badger.
posted by cerebus19 at 10:35 AM on July 12, 2007

Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger...

Oh no, it's a mortar round!
posted by Anything at 10:39 AM on July 12, 2007

"We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area."

(What could that possibly mean? Well, let's see..)

* We can also categorically state that we have not released zombies, pirates, ninjas, furries, killer clowns, disgruntled mimes, Ridlin riddled children, B-list celebrities, or Don Johnson into the area. Oh, and most other zoo animals.

* Badger-eating men however...

* What about pointed sticks? (Shaddup!)

* ...and when we state categorically, that is to say we made a statement and then reserve the right later to categorically deny said statement.

* We didn't release them. They escaped.

* There is no cause for alarm. By the way, anyone who sees a man-eating badger should report it immediately to the Missing Man-Eating Badgers Bureau. The reports that there actually are Missing Man-Eating Badgers in the area are largely untrue.

* We released them into an adjacent area, and they migrated of their own free will.

* We had intended on releasing man-eating badgers into areas that contained only women and children, but someone miscalculated, and said person has been eaten. Thank you.
posted by ZachsMind at 10:54 AM on July 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

Buffalo badgers buffalo badgers badger badger buffalo badgers.
posted by empath at 10:59 AM on July 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

* We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers, because we speak English and have a functioning larynx. However, we are lying when we do so.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 10:59 AM on July 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

That's why you Brits lose every war—you are afraid to unleash badger power on your foes! Operation: VoleStorm was an abject failure, and the Stoat Bombardment of aught six killed more friendlies than baddies! Your rodent-based warfare tactics are still mired in the 19th century.
posted by Mister_A at 11:00 AM on July 12, 2007 [5 favorites]

Tsk, the BBC appears to be collective noun challenged. That would be, "Cete of Badgers." "Plague" = locusts.
posted by PhiBetaKappa at 11:06 AM on July 12, 2007

If you can't respect the man, at least respect the badger...
posted by 1f2frfbf at 11:09 AM on July 12, 2007

Remember, if you see a badger in the water, shout out "Cuidado! Alla es badgers!"
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:16 AM on July 12, 2007

If ever cut an album, I'm calling it VoleStorm.
posted by quin at 11:17 AM on July 12, 2007

My badgers, let me show you them.
posted by elfgirl at 11:53 AM on July 12, 2007

Remember the man-eating tigers of Vietnam?

The man-eating badgers of Basra are just another illustration of how the war in Iraq is like the Vietnam war, only with a disturbingly malignant streak of surreal silliness.
posted by jamjam at 11:53 AM on July 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

quin - that's going to need at least two umlauts.
posted by longbaugh at 12:08 PM on July 12, 2007

First California steals the dairy state title from us, now Iraq's becoming the Badger State! What does that leave for Wisconsin?
posted by drezdn at 12:19 PM on July 12, 2007

Beer and brats.
posted by caddis at 12:24 PM on July 12, 2007 [2 favorites]

"We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area."

That is a very specific denial, which does not preclude the possibility that:

- they were the ones to start the badger rumors, perhaps to cut down on local's mobility at night
- they released badgers in nearby areas, with badger scent trails leading back to Basra
posted by fairmettle at 12:28 PM on July 12, 2007

V214;LEST220;RM
When The Badgers Attack!

amazing guitar riff

'Twas Basra back in two thousand and seven,
That I first entered badger heaven,
Denied the chance to join the army,
The badgers rose up and went fucking barmy!

more wiggling guitar stuff

Erik, king of the honey badgers,
Kicked a terrorist in the nadgers,
Bit his wife and child as well,
Sent them all to badger hell!

pointless drum solo

Saddam was gone and the people riot,
The Army came to keep the quiet,
Americans stayed inside the bases,
Whilst badgers slashed Iraqi faces,

bassdriven headbanging bit

They nip your heels,
And slash your sack,
Watch your testes.....
When the baaaaaaaaaaaadgers attack
posted by longbaugh at 12:29 PM on July 12, 2007 [3 favorites]

shit... please to make the fixing of my umlauts. hope me I suck.
posted by longbaugh at 12:31 PM on July 12, 2007

Cry "havoc" and let slip the dog of war!

Cry "havoc" and categorically deny having let slip the badgers of war!
posted by lekvar at 12:38 PM on July 12, 2007

Longbaugh, you rule.
posted by WPW at 12:39 PM on July 12, 2007

I have no idea how to fixing your umlauts.
posted by cortex at 12:46 PM on July 12, 2007

Cortex, you did the rabbit song, are you up for this fresh challenge?
posted by WPW at 12:48 PM on July 12, 2007

I promise this is not any kind of a Corey.

TRFW (totally rad for work)
posted by Mister_A at 12:50 PM on July 12, 2007

VöleStörm?
posted by quin at 1:01 PM on July 12, 2007

And who knew there was a wikipedia article on Heavy Metal umlauts? AKA 'Rock Dots'.
posted by quin at 1:03 PM on July 12, 2007

Ümlaüts Röck!
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:05 PM on July 12, 2007

We remain firmly committed to clemency for badgers who have completed the "man-eating badger recovery program." The overall strategy cannot be judged by isolated incidents. It is important to stress that the general redicivism rate of this vital program is very low. This rehabilitation program has achieved "an acceptable level of violence," and is making satisfactory progress towards meeting the performance benchmarks that we have set.
posted by soda pop at 1:43 PM on July 12, 2007

Honey badgers defeat foxes and cobras.

That's why you Brits lose every war

Well, they did go, like, 5-4-6 against France.
posted by kirkaracha at 2:09 PM on July 12, 2007

So should I welcome our new man-eating badger overlords, or would that be just silly?
posted by No Mutant Enemy at 6:32 AM on July 13, 2007

I bet I am the only one here who has actually been chased by a honey badger. It's true!

I lived in Zimbabwe for a year. I went to a game preserve on a five day trip while I was there. I was at this permanent camp that had a cookhouse and camp houses, which were made up of a cement pad with a roof surronded with hurricane fence. You had to sleep in the fence because if you didn't the hyenas would eat your face. Anyway, my friends and I had dinner around the fire and then were going to bed when I realized that I had left something at the fire. I went back to get it and found a honey badger scrounging for scraps. He made a bee-line right for me! It's true! He chased me back to my camp house and I closed the door just in time. I told my friends and they all laughed at my near death by badger saying things like, oh what were you afraid of, that he would nip your ankles? The bastards. Well he was pretty short, but he made this creepy grunty noise like mmp, mmp, mmmp, mmp as he chased me.

Honey Badger!
posted by Belle O'Cosity at 5:01 PM on July 13, 2007 [1 favorite]